Peter, I was touched by your wishing you had made a death mask of your Dad. I carved the gravestone for my parents. A traditional "joined hands," and the wreath around them was oak leaves with six acorns for their children. I brought the wood "plug" to the interment of the ashes, and I was so proud of it it overrode any feeling of grief. When I cast the gravestone in bronze, I inscribed on the back of it "with gratitude."

I've been a little ashamed that I had more pride than grief and more gratitude than love, and now I'm not so sure it is as simple and damning as all that. I'm an artist. It consoles me.

Sylvia
CA

Death has been part of my life for a good 3 years now. I caregave my father for 2 1/2 years, at home, until he died on March 10th. I had to give up my business, savings and an 8 1/2 relationship to do it.

Three weeks ago my ex mother in law died and the day after, a very dear, close friend of mine suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack. Then, last Monday I had to put my 2 year old Terrier down because of a long, difficult battle with an 'idiopathic' condition.

I am no longer afraid of death. I'm numb. My only concern is not to suffer when my time comes. I watched my father die a slow painful death while hanging on to life for all it was worth. It was awful, but, I would take care of him again if he needed me.

I don't believe in letting people die alone. I stood by my father and helped him in the last part of his journey. I believe it was the right thing to do.

I, however, do have a difficult time with our health care industry and the way they treat the dying as well as the caregivers and their families. It's, for the most part, disgraceful.

I truly believe they are keeping corpses alive because they are making a ton of money off of these poor, suffering people. Each day they can keep them alive Medicare and insurance co's pay various industries beau coup bucks. That includes, the doctors, hospitals, pharmacutical companies, all the suppliers of everything from bandages, to food, clothing, toilet paper, ambulances, techs, PT's, etc. It's disgusting.

I'm glad that Bill Moyer is exploring this subject. It is something we will all go through and if we don't want to suffer like our parents, then we had better start a frank, open discussion about this subject before it's too late, for us.

Death is an important part of life. It's taught me to value each day of my life and not to put up with anything that I don't feel is right for me. Taking care of my father gave both of us the chance to get to know each other as I had been disowned and disinherited for 18 years. I often told him that G-d was keeping him alive so he could see I had turned out alright.

My father taught me, and my daughter, many things during the last part of his life. But, truly the most important 2 things were how to be brave and courageous in the face of a completely horrible situation as well as how to face death. I held his hand and told him that many times before he died. Our home healthcare assistant told me that, when I left the room, my father always cried.

Ellie
CA

When my husband died in 1974 there was no hospice and the Dr.s wanted to put him in a home to die..I am so glad I took him home and even tho' I was his nurse, dr. and had a nurse that came in one hour a day to bathe and check his I.V. I did everyhing else for him including going to get medecines etc. as I had no one else..and two children..13 and 11..It was very difficult for all of us..but I would not have done anything else..he was so grateful and uncomplaining..a wonderful patient!! I did not believe he was going to die until the last three weeks. Our minds help to block that out and won't let us believe what we see..How could i ever believe he was not going to die when he went from 180 pounds to skin and bones..but i could do anything.

My husband at 27 soon after we were married had cancer and 18 years later a new kind made him ill again..we had many good years after that awful 5 year period..He never let it get to him..that first time..went to college..and taught school for ten after graduation before we both quit in 72 and he lived two more years..

It is amazing how much illness does for your view of life. I almost died in that same honeymoon period and it made us realize how wonderful life was and we lived it to the max.

We adpted two children..and they lucked out because our daughter had 5 congental defects, and our son had reoccuring tumors on his foot..In a ten year period one or other of the three was in the hosp. with operations every six months. They were lucky they had found parents that knew what being ill was all about.

I asked my daughter if she was unhappy that her daddy was in the house when he died, "No," she said, "I knew where he was.

Jo-Ann
CA

Forgot a very important matter.

Bill Moyer is an alumni of my college U. North Texas. I always when I would regale my husband with all of the wonderful people who attended that college..He was always included. I am very proud of him for he is a sterling representative of our college.

I'm from Longview, Texas..twenty miles from his home town..and my uncle was a Dr. in Marshall..so as is so often I feel like I know him but he does not know me..but we share a lot of past.

Jo-Ann
CA

I watched the "eyes wide open" document tonight and it stirred up alot of deeply buried feelings inside me that I didn't know I had and never faced when she did die. My mom died in 1993..... and it was a VERY hard day :( as it came as a shock as my mother was in denial and beacause she was in denial....she never gave me ample warning or me a chance to prepare. Although I know now she KNEW she was dying..... but it was a BIG secret. and that ANGERS me to no end.As she robbed me of the opportunity to tell her things I would have liked to share before she died. Umm, And as a result of that I try rto be sure I tell those who are important and special to me in my life today that I love them as I would never see them again.

Tia
CT

I received a new liver Aug. 3, 2000. I feel like my recovery is slow and being compromised by the fact that my left hand is numb and very painful, from having the circulation cut off during 10 hrs. on the operating table. I'm truly greatful for the new lease on life, having only 3 months left to live. But at what price? Half of my life was totally consumed by music and playing the 5 string banjo,dobro and guitar. That is now a thing of the past. My doctor is very unsympathetic and always says 'If that's your only complaint, you're lucky'.I don't get it - half of my life is gone and I can't do much of the things I used to or would like to do. I'm very frustrated and depressed by this situation.

Greg
Hawaii

When my father was diagnosed with prostate and bone cancer, and was given only one year to live. I think I went through the morning prosess at that time. And at some times early on I was in denial. Dad was to young, and hadn't yet had a chance to retire, or do the things he had planed to do. Dad was in good health, and didn't smoke or drink. He was a happy man with an active life, and this just wasn't suposed to happen to him. My mother was allways the sick one, being handycabted all of her life. And we my two brothers and I , allways expected mom to die first.

As time went on and the pain became intence. They put dad into the hospital. He was druged with morifeen and was in such cronic pain that you couldn't even hug him, or even touch him. The cancer had envaded every bone in his body. I greaved the most at that time. I prayed to God to release him from this expereance. And when the day came, I and the hole famaly felt such joy and peace, that it was finaly over for him. And the greaving stoped. I still think of him everyday. But the things that I remember are the good times. Dad was a happy man and loved people. Sure I miss him. It is hard not to. But I have faith that I will be with him again, and thats what I look forward to.

Diane
Idaho

We watched the first shows last night. No one mentiond the shock that a sudden death has on a family. We received the phone call that our youngest son had been killed in a motercycle accident at 12:15 A.M. It has been 7 years ago on July 16. He was 21, five weeks before his 22 birthday. And we did not even know that he had a motercycle. He was attending college in San Francisco. 250 miles from our home. The police report said that the accident was his fault. We later learned that this may not have been the case. However, we chose not to persue this as it would have been difficult to prove and we all believed that it was important to forgive. I know that the youg woman driving the car has had her own heavy load to carry. It is interesting how people who have not lost someone close react. They are so imbarresd by grief. Even after seven years if we mention Mike they get imbarresd and quickly change the subject. They do not realize that he is still a major part of our lives and that

Shannon
California

I have been a Hospice volunteer for nearly 3 years and have enjoyed each person I have been with. Each one brings a different story and life into my world. At times I wished that I would have met them sooner but then the meaning would not be the same. I got started with Hospice of Midland when my daughter-inlaw mother was dying of cancer. I saw first hand how these nurses and caregivers open their hearts to you no matter who you were or what you have done in your life. I ended up setting with her and my daughter-inlaw until the end. That is when I decided to go through the volunteer training. I never thought of how much it would enriched my life being with these people who know they may not be here the next day. I also volunteer as an Obudsman in two nursing homes and Hospice will give the names of whom to see during my visits. So I get to see things in different ways. One who is lucky enough to stay home to die or the one put in the nursing home. If I could have my way all would die

Sharon
Texas

me again..I kind of dumped last nite after watching the show..We had the doctors making home visits for the last 6 weeks, at first 2xs a day then once a day then only twice a week, they did not seem to know how long he had left. My daughter who helped me with the nursing stayed here most of the time and brought her 6 yr. old and 8 yr.old daughters as well as her 16 yr old son, who helped me when his Mom had to go home to her husband to smooth over his hurt feelings. When the kids were here they played normally,made kid noises and came in at nite ,climbed up on the bed to give Grampa a hug and kiss goodnite,which he seemed to enjoy to still be part of life. But I noticed when one is dying,they also start to withdraw inward and start to leave us . My husbands cancer (tumor) started on the top and outside of his right lung..when he died I could feel the tumor protruding out below his lower left rib cage. He could not talk for the last week . We both accepted "thy will be done" but he still had

Bonnie
B.C. Canada

MY SON WAS KILLED IN TRUCK ACCIDENT JULY 30 1999

HE WAS 14 YEARS OLD HIS BEST FRIEND WAS KILLED TOO.

HE WAS 13 YEARS OLD . THE MAN THAT RUN OVER THE CAR WAS NOT EVEN GAVE A TICKET. THEY WERE STOP BECAUSE OF A ACCIDENT IN FRONT OF THEM. THE TRASH TRUCK HAD NO BRAKES AND THE TRUCK WAS NOT SERVICE RIGHT. SO WHY DID THIS MAN AND COMPANY GET AWAY WITH THIS.IF YOU KNOW OF ANYTHING I CAN DO TO GET THEM TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. THANK YOU

Johnny
Mississippi

I want to let you know about another resource. Former staff of the Elisabeth Kuber-Ross Center present workshops throughout the US and elsewhere. These workshops are designed to give people the opportunity to safely express the full range of feelings associated with grief in a supportive and non-judgmental atmosphere. These workshops are useful to people dealing with any kind of loss including terminal diagnoses, caregivers, and professionals. They are based on the idea that by working to resolve our unfinished business we can live more fully, beof more effective support to others and die with fewer regrets. For more information about workshops in the San Francisco Bay Area call 415-263-4822.

Roz
CA

My six year-old daughter died 13 years ago after being struck by a car driven by a drunk driver. Nothing in my life has come close to having the impact this did, and what my wife, other daughters and I live now is a new life. It took a long time to reach the point where that felt OK...where laughing and having fun and not thinking about her every minute no longer brought on feelings of guilt. But I don't understand the need so many people feel to use the word "heal." After our daughter died we struggled and grieved and functioned at minimal level for months. We didn't care if we lived or died, and continued to get up and do things each day out of habit and because of the needs of our other girls. Without any landmark declaration that we were going to "move on" or "heal," eventually we began to function in a way that was a little bit like the way things had been. We slowly returned to choosing to eat and work and play. We were able to read and go to movies, and exercise, and do the thing

But it happened automatically. Time didn't "heal," but time began to dull the intensity of the pain, and leave in its wake the events and new people that were the foundation of what our unwanted but inevitable new life would become.

The awareness that our daughter is gone...that we can never share beautiful sunsets and magical days and so many other things with her...never leaves us. That's why it truly is a new and different life. What's missing is that sense of being "carefree," a word I'd used but never really thought about until this happened. My life is good and filled with the joys and sorrows that any life has, but I can't forget what I had when that other life, however briefly, was as perfect as it would ever be.

Dick
Colorado

My 21 year old son died very suddenly July 12, 2000. I am looking for guidance. I am searching for support in my area, either an individual or group approach that might help me be able to live with this. I liked the philosophies and Buddist approach that I heard last night. Is anyone aware of anything/anyone similar to Frank in the Seattle area. I would email him directly but could not access his email off the web site.

Thank you,

Debbie
Washington

My mother passed away in June at the Hospice unit at Deconess Hospital in Cincinnati, Ohio.....She had been diagnosed with Leukemia only 5 days before she died and she asked me" How did I get here???I thought I was doing so well".......Everything from that point on was a blur from family and friends rushing in and out to planning her funeral and cleaning out and leaving her apartment, where I stayed when I visited. I've cried and I know she is with God and pain free but I am still very overwhelmed with grief...everytime I see an older person, I can't help but stop and make sure I'm breathing...there are two other siblings older than me(I'm the baby....at age 46) and I'm just numb....Help Me!!!!

Nellie
Kentucky

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