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Share Your Story
Set #3
Posted December 13, 2000
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I had an eating disorder with severe bulimia for eight
years. Four of those years I spent in recovery. It was
very hard work but I have been recovered for over 12
years. I earned my M.S. in Counseling and I am now
finishing my Ph.D. I am a therapist who works with
eating-disordered clients, and I also speak as much as I
can to local schools to help people find the courage to
ask for help. I would just like to tell people not to be
afraid to let someone know how you are feeling and to ask
for help in finding a therapist. I was so ashamed to admit
that I had bulimia and that I couldn't solve the problem
by myself. I know now that no one can do it on her or his
own. It is not a weakness, it is a disease. There are
reasons people develop their disorders. Allow your
disorder to help you find your true self, the self hiding
under the mask of perfection and thinness.
Katie from Connecticut
My very first doll was Twiggy. I got her when I was about
eight years old, and I never had a doll after that. Later,
I remember that I desperately wanted to fit in among my
peers and be popular, but coming from a military family,
that was virtually impossible because we kept moving. I
started my period pretty late, at 14-1/2 and boom, I went
from flat-chested to a C-cup, etc. Cheerleaders were all
the rage in high school, and I was determined to become
one. But they were all thin, pretty, and sooo confident. I
spent most of my time fantasizing a life where I was
special and that meant being thin. I dieted, even though I
wasn't fat at all.
My father was obsessed with body weight. He always asked
How much do you weigh? and add that he had to lose 10 lbs.
himself, that he was so fat—at 5'11" 165 lbs. (I
didn't notice that he was where it started, but I did know
that thin was where it was at for him.) My mother smoked
to lose weight, even though she was always very thin.
There are pictures of her in which she looks totally
anorexic: gaunt and skeletal, even though she had had
eight children. (You would have never guessed, she was
gorgeous!) I started smoking at 16, also to lose
weight.
I finally made the cheerleading squad at my high school in
Florida, only to be told in July that we were moving
again, for the tenth time and my fourth high school. I was
really depressed, and I stopped eating, at the same time
my brother who was 16 was diagnosed with cancer. We moved
to Arizona. I continued to starve and lost a lot of weight
fast. I looked great, and I received a lot of praise. I
was obsessed. I would get up in the middle of the night
and work out, and I would even think of cutting off the
excess flesh on my belly and inner thighs. I was nuts! At
the same time I would drive my brother to treatment at the
University of Arizona Cancer research center and he would
come home and vomit (the after effects of chemo). I would
start to eat and panic that I would gain weight, and I too
would begin to vomit. We were losing weight together. My
weight loss was socially life-affirming (or so I thought),
while his was clearly a sign of death.
My self-loathing about my weight was so great that I
couldn't enjoy a natural sexual experential progression. I
hated my breasts because of the stretch marks (which I
later found out are hormonal for some women). I was
scared. I had been fondled or trespassed on since I was
about 14 by teachers, boys, the dean at my high school,
and even two fathers of the children I babysat. I didn't
know what was going on.
I became an extremely vivacious young woman. My own mother
thought I was having sex at 16. I was a virgin until I was
raped at the age of 21 in New York City.
I was bulimic from the age of 17 until 25. I want to share
with you my recovery. It took from about 23 to 27 to
transition into developing normal eating habits, and
really good eating habits took longer. The following are
the tools that helped me with this process:
-
First, I was blessed to have a loving friend (who
happened to come from another culture) who could show
me a different perspective.
- Stopped reading magazines
- Stopped dieting
- Therapy
- Learned about nutrition
- Took medication
- Stopped drinking and taking amphetamines
-
Finished college and did other estimable acts
- Stopped smoking
-
Developed a philosophy of acceptance not perfection
You are not how thin you are, absolutely not.
Beauty is when your insides match your outsides.
That is my goal everyday. Try it!
In our culture, the struggle to accept yourself as you are
is endless. I want you to know, whoever you are, wherever
you are, you are not alone.
Karen
I am a Black woman who was and still is a mentor to young
black and Latina girls. To them I project a strong mask of
an otherwise insecure weight-obsessed woman. Eating is my
drug, and sometimes, at 27, I wonder if my bingeing is a
way to reach out to my thin mother so she will intervene
and say "stop doing this to yourself." I know she loves me
but I can't help thinking she, my dad (a drug addict),
and my feelings of inadequacy are at the root of my
bingeing.
Anonymous
Hi my name is Nicole. For four years now, I have struggled
with bulimia. It all started by me wanting to be perfect
and accepted for who I was. I couple of people I knew
started calling me fat. I felt that I had to lose weight
and starve and throw up to be accepted. I was soon
excercising to become thinner and throwing up even more. I
needed that perfection in my life. Everything soon began
to spin out of control. So many people tried to help me,
and I refused it. They warned me and warned, but I didn't
seem to listen. I thought that I didn't need anybody's
help, that I could do everything on my own. I was wrong.
It almost cost me my life. I was hospitalized, and then I
thought that that would teach me a lesson about my life,
but I still wasn't "perfect." I am still struggling with
it, and I hope that one day I will get over it and be
happy again.
Nicole from Arizona
Hello. My name is Trisha and I am 15. For the past couple
of years I have been struggling with many eating
disorders. I have gone from starving my self for days on
and off (anorexia) to protruding my food (bulimia). Not
only that, I also went to the extreme with exercising. For
about a month I was attending my track practices five days
a week running about three miles during practice, then
going home each day running another four miles. There is
not one minute of the day that I cannot think about losing
weight. Many people tell me over and over that I am not
overweight, but I do not believe them. I know that I am
damaging my body, but it seems to me that I am totally
miserable if I am not doing something to lose weight.
Trisha from Maryland
I used to watch my fat intake like a Nazi. I was 5'10" and
110 lbs. Then I learned that I had low-blood sugar. I was
told that the only recourse I had to battle my problem was
to gain 15-20 lbs. I resisted initially but realized that
the more weight I gained, the less "drowsy" I felt. I was
often misdiagnosed as having tapeworm (because I followed
such a strict low-fat, high-fiber diet). Lo and behold I
would take the advice of the doctors and dieticians....
I eventually learned that the more I weighed, the better I
felt, initially. Also, I did not realize that I had an
issue with scoliosis and whiplash until I had sessions
with a chiropractor... I have since gained 40 lbs. and no
longer suffer problems with low blood sugar (periods of
incoherence), but now my back and neck hurt, and the
doctors say that it is due to my excessive weight and lack
of excersice. You decide.
"Lisa"
My name is Anne. I am a 14-year-old freshman high-school
student from Central California. My family and I do not
get along very well. I go my seperate ways from them as
they do from me. I am the oldest, and my younger brother,
to me, seems to receive too much attention. My family does
not know it, although some close friends do, but I have
bulimia and anorexia. It seems odd to have both disorders,
it is true.
Over a year ago I started to starve myself. I did this
until I lost only 15 pounds. After that my guy friend
found out and forced me to stop. He told me many things
that could happen, and my love for him was so strong I
decided to do it for him. Less than three months later, I
began to starve myself again. This time, I did not lose as
much weight as I did the first time. I had weighed in at
120 pounds, with a 5'2" body. I was disgusted.
Soon enough I began to watch movies about eating
disorders. More than what I learned that was bad about
these complex disorders, I got tips and ideas. In a movie
called "Dying To Be Perfect," the woman the story was
about was bulimic. Throughout the entire movie they showed
her throwing up, running, bingeing, and throwing up even
more. I thought that is exactly what I could do to lose
weight and have a better, more hidden secret. Instantly I
went into the bathroom and purged. The amazing thing was
it did not hurt. Most girls say it causes pain in your
throat. I felt special because it did not happen. It still
hasn't. From that day on I have not stopped or seeked
help. I guess it is because in some way I don't want to
get better. I want to get worse, thinner, prettier, more
perfect. The only thing that scares me is, I know I am
dying.
Anne from California
Hello, my name is Jen, and I suffered from anorexia for
over eight years. My mission and passion in life is to
reach out to others who are also suffering from eating
disorders. Thank goodness that we have resources like the
Internet, which allows us to connect with so many others
who are like us. Although my battle for recovery was the
toughest journey of my life, I consider it a blessing.
It's a blessing because it has made me realize that one of
the most precious gifts in life is to be able to help
others and connect with them. For me, having had anorexia,
I have been able to meet some wonderfully talented and
creative women who shouldn't suffer in their minds as they
do. We are all on this journey together, and I pray for
all of us to never go it alone.
Jen from California
Last March a new college student started working at my
health club. I had noticed how skinny she was and was
quite confident she had anorexia. I was concerned for her
every time I saw her. She died in July from anorexia. She
was a beautiful, intelligent, athletic woman. It's so
awful that the desire to be thin can truly kill us.
Nancy from California
I am a 35-year-old mother of three who battled with an
eating disorder for 19 years. Through my teenage years, I
alternated between bulimia and dieting. In 1997 I finally
sought help and was admitted into an eating-disorder
clinic. Because I never looked "too thin," my illness was
well hidden for many years. While in treatment, others
felt I was not a true bulimic because I am of normal
weight (132lbs. and 5'8"). This is a myth I haven't see
published in statistics. I now suffer from many
complications from the binge-and-purge cycle. I have holes
in my teeth, incontinence, chronic kidney infections,
spastic colon, irritable bowel syndrome and have recently
been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I have not been able to
have a bowel movement without the use of excessive
laxatives in 10 years. I am also a recovering alcoholic;
statistics will show that many alcoholic woman also suffer
from untreated eating discorders.
Kim from Illinois
I have been suffering from one type of eating disorder or
another since I was nine years old. I am now 32. Right now
I am in a treatment program for bulimia and anorexic
behaviors. I have to agree that the vomiting and
starvation are ways of not feeling, or numbing out. I was
physically and emotionally abused at home as well as
sexually abused by a friend of the family. All of the
secrecy became self hate, self loathing, and the eating
disorder became a way of punishment for myself also. A
feeling of unworthiness, being dirty, disgusting, fat,
ugly, not good enough.
No matter how 'good' or kind and loving everyone else said
(or says) I am, I cannot look past my failure at lack of
control where food is concerned. The thought of death
seems much better than life as being fat, which my reason
or logic tells me is absurd. But there is no logic in this
disorder. When it rules, it's the only thing that matters.
I have the thought that nothing bad will ever happen to me
physically, that I will stop this just before something
devastating happens. But will I??? How will I really know
when that will be??? Who is to say??? I know that my
behaviors could kill me in an instant, my heart could
stop, a number of things can go wrong, and I am
frightened, but it still does not stop.
The doctor at the treatment center I am attending several
times a week, for both group and one-on-one therapy, as
well as the nutritionist believe that I need more intense
treatment, possibly even a residential home for awhile,
with hospital treatment, where I can learn to eat, and
that it is okay to eat, and it's okay to actually keep the
food.
This all frightens me very much, but for the sake of my
family, friends, myself even, maybe this is what I need to
relearn to feel, and not use food and vomiting as ways out
of feeling or for self-punishment. I think that it is very
important to educate people about eating disorders, to
help them understand. This is a very lonely place to be,
very vulnerable to talk about and admit, but when you hear
of others who suffer also, it makes you feel a little less
insane at times. So thank you for this information.
Sincerely,
Angel from British Columbia, Canada
I have had anorexia on and off for the last four years,
ever since I was 14. For a time I turned to bulimia but
found that it wasn't as fulfilling. I think that no matter
how smart you are or how aware you are of the
repercussions of this disorder, once you turn to it you
can never look at food in the same way. I now hate food
and will never see it in the same way I used to. And I
feel as though I don't need it at all to live, although I
know that is not true. The best way to treat this disease
is to prevent it, because once you get anorexia, you will
never look at life in the same way again.
Anonymous
Hi, I am 31 years old and recovering from bulimia. It all
started with a contest to see who could lose the most
weight in a month. I was 18 years old and not really
overweight. I won the contest by throwing up everything I
put into my mouth. I honestly thought it was just a
weight-control issue and nothing else, but realized later
that it was more than that, it was a way to make my self
feel better. I stopped going out, and if I did I was
always worried that I might not meet up to people's
standards. If I was feeling sad, throwing up always made
me feel just a little bit better. I wasted many years of
my life living in secret, and at the age of 29, I decided
it was a time to put a stop to it. At the age of 31, I can
honestly say that food doesn't control my life (thank
God). I still have moments when I do revert back to my old
ways, but they are getting fewer and far between. I still
have days when I don't feel good enough or pretty enough,
but I have learned to realize that who I am is good
enough!
Leanne from British Columbia, Canada
Hi, my name is Niya, and I have been struggiling with
anorexia for a year and a half. I was overweight for most
of my childhood, and when I entered high school I cracked.
I suffered from Major Depressive disorder and my hatred
towards myself led into anorexia. I can't remember a time
that I was comfortable with my body. People used to make
jokes about my weight all the time.
Last November is when I got really bad. I lost 45 lbs., I
was only eating half an apple a day and drinking nothing
but diet pop and water. Oftentimes at night I would binge
and than spend hours in the bathroom throwing up.
Sometimes I would get large amounts of food and chew it up
and then spit it out.
I started getting chest pains, and that's when I knew I
had to get help, otherwise I was going to die. I told my
mom, and she took me to the hospital. For the next three
months I was hospitalized off and on. I had several
relapses, but somehow I made it through. I found my inner
strength.
I'm 18 and a senior in high school now, and I am in
recovery. I have reached my healthy weight and have
maintained it. I never thought I would ever be this happy.
It is a constant struggle that I'm sure I'm going to have
to deal with for a long time, but I know I can overcome. I
have the strength. I will beat this.
To anyone out there who is suffering, get help as soon as
possible. It's not worth it. It's hell. I wouldn't wish
this on anyone. Thank you :)
Niya from Iowa
I am 42 now, but I can remember with clarity the summer my
eating disorder began. It was the summer I turned 14 and
would be entering ninth grade. I remember I weighed 114
pounds at the time and was 5'2" or so. I remember thinking
that if I weighed less and looked better, my life would be
better.
We had moved the year before from Illinois to Washington
State, and I was still adjusting from the move. I had gone
back that summer to Illinois to visit relatives and
friends, and I really did not want to come back to
Washington.
My eating disorder continued all through my freshman,
sophomore, and junior years of high school. My lowest
weight was 93 pounds. At that point I remember my father
telling me that if I lost any more weight, he would take
me to the hospital. I think at that point something
clicked in my brain and by the time I graduated from high
school I weighed 120 pounds. I was not starving myself any
longer, but I was bingeing. I remember I was never able to
throw up on demand. Another girl told me about syrup of
Iepitac, which induced vomiting. That is what I used to
vomit.
I remember dragging myself through school because I had no
energy. I remember never feeling thin enough (good
enough), and my periods ceased for 10 or 11 months. My
mother took me to the doctor at one point because I was
cold and tired all the time. The docter told her I was
underweight and needed to gain weight, but that nothing
was wrong with me.
Feeling like I did not belong, feeling lost—being
thin was my way of being successful at something. A way of
not dealing with my feelings and not knowing how to deal
with my feelings and having no one to express those
feeling to.
Only recently do I feel comfortable admitting to having
had an eating disorder if the subject comes up. As always,
I am uncomfortable admitting that "I am not perfect." I
was always striving to appear perfect and in control at
all times. I am trying to enjoy and learn from my mistakes
in life. To realize I am entitled to mistakes, it is part
of life, and it's a learning process.
Anonymous from Florida
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