Jeni Stepanek on Faith and Grief


BOB ABERNETHY, anchor: In 2002, we aired a profile of the young, bestselling poet Mattie Stepanek and his mother Jeni. They both suffered from a rare form of muscular dystrophy. The messages of hope and peace in Mattie’s writings inspired millions of people around the world. Mattie died in 2004, but Jeni is working to keep his memory alive. She talked with Kim Lawton about how her faith gives her the strength to move forward.

KIM LAWTON, correspondent: It’s standing room only at the Border’s Bookstore in Bethesda, Maryland, where Jeni Stepanek is talking about her new book called Messenger. The book is about her son Mattie, the New York Times bestselling inspirational poet who died five years ago at the age of 13. Mattie had a rare form of muscular dystrophy, the same disease that afflicts Jeni. This is the store where Mattie had launched his books, too, and the fact that he’s not here tonight highlights the loss that’s still raw.

JENI STEPANEK: Since he died, I’ve hit some very, very low points. I have had mornings where I’m not quite sure what the sane reason is to bother getting out of bed. I always find one, and if I can’t find one, what I’ve learned is to allow other people to give me a sane reason to get out of bed.

post01LAWTON: One of Jeni’s biggest reasons for getting out of bed every day is her quest to keep Mattie’s legacy alive. In his short life Mattie wrote six books of poetry and a collection of essays that he collaborated on with Jimmy Carter. He became a friend to the rich and famous and touched millions of people around the world with his message of hope and peace.

MATTIE STEPANEK: God gives me hope that there is something greater than us, something better and bigger than the here and now that can help us live.

LAWTON: Mattie told us in an interview seven years ago that he believed God had a plan for his life.

MATTIE STEPANEK: I feel that God has given me a very special opportunity that I should not let go to waste. I use the gift he has given me.

LAWTON: Jeni says from the time he was just a little boy, Mattie told her God was putting messages in his heart.

JENI STEPANEK: And I began to get concerned, actually, and ask him questions like, “Are you hearing voices? Is God’s voice a man’s voice or a woman’s voice?” And he looked at me like I had lost my mind, and he said, “Mommy, God’s voice is not like this. It’s a message in my heart.”

LAWTON: Mattie believed God wanted him to give voice to those messages, and he did that through his poems, which he called his “heartsongs.” Jeni says there were several basic themes.

JENI STEPANEK: Hope is real, peace is possible, and life is worthy. The best I can understand it is that it really is the universal truth. It’s what Jesus Christ taught us, it’s what Gandhi teaches us, it’s what Martin Luther King teaches us, it’s what any good speaker, any peacemaker teaches us: In giving we shall receive, in doing good, good happens.

LAWTON: Since Mattie died, Jeni has gotten thousands of letters and emails from people who say he continues to inspire them. There’s even a grassroots movement of people who want the Roman Catholic Church to open an official investigation into whether Mattie should be recognized as a saint.

post04JENI STEPANEK: I have had people who have contacted me to say they believe Mattie has interceded in their lives. They believe that Mattie has healed their child, or touched their spirit, or turned them back to God, or prevented them from suicide.

LAWTON: As the mom of a kid who loved practical jokes and didn’t always make his bed, she finds it all humbling and, a bit overwhelming.

JENI STEPANEK: I feel the responsibility to share with people the truth of my son’s life. What I don’t want people doing is thinking, oh Mattie, you know, and putting him up on a pedestal: he’s a little guru, he was perfect, he never got angry, he never got sad, he only spoke bits of wisdom. I mean, he wasn’t. That’s not who Mattie was.

LAWTON: Jeni chairs a foundation named for Mattie that tries to make his message as accessible as possible. There are school curriculum projects based on Mattie’s writings, and parks like this one in Rockville, Maryland, that has a life-sized statue of Mattie and his beloved service dog, Micah, who is now Jeni’s. Jeni herself has also become an inspiration to many. Mattie was her fourth child to die of the disease that she didn’t even know she was carrying.

JENI STEPANEK: When I was having these children, I did not know I was going to give birth to children with this condition. When I was having children I was apparently healthy, active, running two to five miles a day, coaching and playing sports, working on my first doctoral degree.

LAWTON: She was diagnosed when Mattie was nearly two, after her oldest two children had already died and her third child was also dying from the disease. She and her husband divorced, so her focus became being a single mom.

JENI STEPANEK: So even though you grieve the loss of your child, when there’s still another living child, not that the grief isn’t there, but you have to focus on celebrating life with that child, with the one that’s still alive. When Mattie died, that’s when the grief became so overwhelming, because where do you put your mommy role?

LAWTON: Jeni says her Catholic faith helped her cope, and she says despite some times of questioning God, her faith has grown dramatically.

post02JENI STEPANEK: I’m very good at, through prayer, giving God a to-do list, all right? Dear God, this is where I need you, and this is how you can meet my needs, and I give God the little to-do list, and I think I began to realize towards the end of Mattie’s life prayer is not just giving God your wishes. It’s asking to bring God into whatever the moments are in my day.

LAWTON: She also has a close circle of friends, chief among them her roommate, Sandy Newcomb, and Sandy’s extended family, whom Mattie called their “kin family.” Jeni says they’ve made all the difference in her life.

SANDY NEWCOMB: I’d like to think in some way that my support of Jeni and Mattie has helped them to be able to do what God wants them to do.

LAWTON: Jeni’s own health continues to deteriorate. She says the most difficult thing is giving up independence and control.

JENI STEPANEK: It’s really hard knowing I will always be the passenger in a car. I will never be driving again. That’s a really, really tough thing when I’m a doer, a giver, a be-er, and you have to be the recipient and call someone and ask them to do something for you. That’s a tough lesson for me.

LAWTON: Although people tell her they’ve felt Mattie’s spirit, Jeni never has.

JENI STEPANEK: And what I would give to have my son come and stand and just say “hi” or “yo,” just say anything, just touch me. But I know that that would be wrong, and I think that my son is wiser than that, because if my son came and spoke to me or touched me, and I knew without doubt this is my son, I so miss him that I’m afraid I’d never emotionally or physically be able to move from that spot.

LAWTON: She says near the end of his life Mattie knew he was dying and tried to prepare her. But she couldn’t accept it.

JENI STEPANEK: It was one of my mommy decisions that I regret. You know, I should’ve just put my arm around him and said that must be really difficult. You must feel very alone. I just, I couldn’t tend to it, and I feel very badly. I will forever feel badly about that. But I don’t think he holds that against me. I think he knew that I was being a mommy.

LAWTON: Still, she says Mattie gave her the hope and faith to move forward.

JENI STEPANEK: He said when I’m gone promise me you will choose to inhale, not breathe merely to exist, and that means finding some worthy reason to move into each next moment, and that’s the most difficult choice I face every single day. But it’s the most worthy choice.

LAWTON: She says she’s learned that it’s not how long you live that matters, but the depth with which you live those days. I’m Kim Lawton in Rockville, Maryland.

  • Gloria Jackson

    I was up at 4:00am Nov 14 2009 to give my terminally ill son medication for pain and the tv was on channel 2pbs about your story and I was very moved and inspired.I also am struggling with my faith.and why this cancer has infected his body,and when his pain gets so bad he asks me to end his life.I just want to say I’m glad I was watching the program and he caught a portion of it before he went back to sleep from the heavy medications he’s on.when I saw you I really knew we weren’t going through our struggles alone and we should stay strong and never give up. Thank you

  • Jeni Stepanek

    Thank you, Judy Reynolds and PBS, for such a beautiful interview that really shares who my son is as a messenger, and who I am as a messenger too. I hope that the Messenger book inspires people to believe, as Mattie did, that ‘hope is real, peace is possible, and life is worthy!’ I look forward to reader feedback. Also, I love the ‘Mattie clips’ you have included. This as the first time I ever saw my son ‘teaching!’ You have a clip of him with the sixth grade class he taught in Sunday School, and that was such a gift for me to see. A new treasure!
    Thank you,
    Jeni Stepanek, Ph.D. (“Mattie’s mom”)

  • Gloria Jackson

    Id like to make another comment if I may. I hadn’t read the article when I posted my first comment, after I read the article I cried uncontrollably because as I read Jeni had lost 4 children to the disease she didn’t know she had.My only son is dying and there are no words to describe the pain,as I see him suffer everyday I feel like I’m dying and I’m not going to get through this,but as I read the article I feel like I can make it.This is the very first I ever heard about Mattie& Jeni’s story so I’m believing it must have been a message from God for me to have had my TV on Pbs

  • DouglasMiller

    Your story has touched my heart. God is with you I know this deep in my heart. God Bless you for everything that you do. And may God continue to guild you to be a great inspiration for others as you are now to me.

  • Cathy Gomez

    I saw Mattie for the first time on Oprah and was so inspired and in awe of him, that I ran out to buy his books, “Heartsongs” & “Journey Through Heartsongs”, which I absolutely love. I felt deep pain when I heard of his passing. I knew he had been a gift sent by God. I have often wondered about his intimate life and about the extraordinary mother who raised him. I was so happy to see the book “Messenger” one day while shopping at Costco. I couldn’t believe I would get to read more about this little Angel. I finished the book last night. I don’t think I have ever cried so much in my life. Every pent up feeling I have ever had, came out in one night. It changed my life forever. I know Mattie’s words will always be part of my heartsongs. Thank you Jeni for this book, for inspiring and sharing with the world Mattie’s legacy of hope and peace, but most of all for celebrating life and choosing to inhale.
    P.S You mention in the book that Mattie had said he saw heaven and hell. I’m curious to know if he ever gave you a more detailed description. I truly believe he was a messenger of God.

  • paul eichperger

    my family and i have been deeply moved by Jeni and Mattie stories. Would like to know how to purchase the books relating to Mattie,s journey. Also could you please advise me if it is possible to purchase a copy of the interviews of Jeni and Mattie ? Is it permitted to download the interviews, as my Sister is giving a retreat on Faith and Hope on December 4 as a preparation for Christmas.

    If I am unable to record the interviews could you please advise me ASAP. Thanking you in anticipation for your reply to this request.

    Yours faithfully,

    Paul Eichperger.

  • Alba Romero

    Dearest Jeni,
    I finished reading “Messenger” about two weeks ago and my heart broke for you and your family. I first “met” Mattie through the Oprah show and have adored his spirit ever since. I purchased his books and use them in my classes to inspire my students (currently 6th grade) not only to write their own poetry, but to do the right thing and not make excuses for themselves as they strive to reach their goals. He was an AMAZING little boy with a heart of gold and has touched millions with his messages of peace and love. I’m not a religious person, but he gave me hope that there is something/someplace bigger than us where he is resting peacefully. As a fellow mom, my heart goes out to you for your unimaginable losses and your continuing struggle with your own health. Nevertheless, you choose to inhale every single day as you keep his memory alive in our hearts. Thank you for raising and guiding Mattie to be the way he was and for your own strength and bravery.
    P.S. Have you ever thought of turning his life into a movie? I think it would be a huge success! =)
    With admiration,
    Alba Romero

  • Barbara

    Dear Jeni,

    Courageous does not come close to the word that I would choose for you and your family. Years ago, I watched as your young son, Mattie made his television debut.

    So very wise for someone so young in years.

    Peace to you.

    With love,

  • Merilyn Smith

    Dear Jeni,

    Since I first saw Mattie on Oprah I felt a piece of God broke off and was named Mattie Stepanek thankyou for the privelege for sharing him with us God bless always xxxxx

  • Theresa

    Dear Jen,

    how does a person live joyfully and always with each moment? Mattie knew how. You taught and nurtured so much in him… you must know how….
    you provided him the open door to the world…. a heroic mother….
    but how did you not get overwhelmed with everything? I guess I am asking how a person puts God’s grace to work…. I am a Catholic and wish to live a life fully for the Lord…. for his glory…. but i haven’t learned how to get action and joy and results..

  • Judy M Holmes

    Every time I have seen and heard Mattie and Jeni speak about the gift that life is and the grace that God gives every person, I have been touched and grown in understanding a bit more about life. I’ve been also challenged to examine what I am doing to contribute to the fabric of life. Simple words like “thank you” do not communicate what is in my heart. When I first read Mattie’s heartsongs, I’d check his age and found it difficult to believe that such insight could come from one so young. He is God’s messenger, an angel in our midst. When I pray, I ask Mattie to help me understand what God asks of me. May God continue to bless others, Jeni, through you, especially in the New Year! With love, prayers and gratitude,

  • Deborah Bodnar

    God bless you for the courage you have and the comfort you have given countless others. Mattie and you Jeni are my inspiration.

  • Catherine Runnals

    Mattie, to be so priviledge to be his mother. He truly was God sent. Jen, you too will see the face of God. I know that in this world we can not comprehend all the suffering one family has to endure. I only know that even Saint Bernadette was told by Our Blessed Mother, “I cannot promise you happiness in this world but only in the next.”. You too will find this happiness Jen. God has a bigger plan for you. Keep that faith, and it is ok to get mad, or question why? God will keep you in the palms of His hands. I truly envy you, because you have been chosen.
    God loves you.

  • Leah O’Kelly

    I wish I had Mattie’s heart.