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Men perform a traditional dance at a village in northern Pakistan.

The bride decoratively dressed with a relative.

The groom in traditional wedding clothes looking pensive.

Bride and groom sit uncomfortably together.

Rough Cut
Pakistan: This Is Your Wife
Invitation to an arranged marriage

BY Kim Perry
December 19, 2006

Background Facts and Related Links
Learn more about the culture of arranged marriage, and follow links to books, films, and articles about the tradition.

Credits

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About Rough Cut

Kim Perry recently earned a master's degree in journalism from the University of California Berkeley. Perry has worked on projects for the washingtonpost.com and has reported on stories from China, South Korea and Pakistan. She works for SignOnSanDiego, the Web site of The San Diego Union-Tribune.

Length: 11:52

In the past, we've reported from Pakistan about political conflicts and natural disasters, but in this week's "Rough Cut," we travel there to celebrate a wedding.

FRONTLINE/World reporter Kim Perry first met the Asghars, a well-to-do Pakistani-American family, while she was reporting on immigrant communities in California. When family matriarch Robina Asghar told Perry that her eldest son Tabriz was about to go to Pakistan to marry a woman he barely knew, she invited Perry to film the occasion.

In Perry's affectionate portrait, we first meet Tabriz at his parents' home in Stockton, California, as he prepares to leave. Wearing a T-shirt and a baseball cap, the 27-year-old law student looks every bit the relaxed Californian and admits that he hasn't given much thought to his pending nuptials. "Right now, there's nothing running through my head about it. There should be, but there's not," he shrugs.

He just knows that it's part of his family's culture and he doesn't want to let them down.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not going to force my kids to do what I'm supposed to do," he tells Perry. "But for me, this is what I was taught to do, so I'm going to do it this way."

A deer caught in the headlights doesn't begin to describe the groom's expression of bewilderment once he and the rest of the family arrive in Islamabad for five days of hectic wedding celebrations. The festivities begin at his father's village in the northern frontier, where Tabriz gamely dances in traditional dress with a group of men from the village.

Then it's back to the city for a series of receptions, where the parade of dazzling outfits and decorations make the story such a visual delight.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, a piece of paper is signed and the bemused bride and groom are officially married.

The affable Tabriz, who teaches elementary school back in Stockton, does his best to guide us through the occasion and share how it feels to be caught between his parents' cultural expectations and his own sense of himself as a 21st century American. He admits that during the prolonged wedding ceremonies his mind was blank for much of the time. "I am thinking of Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes, then Lucky Charms," he says sheepishly. "My mind just drifts off."

Even when the camera settles quietly on Tabriz and his lovely bride as they are groomed and coiffed for the next event, their body language speaks volumes about their unease. Before the wedding, they had only met three times, and never alone. It's the couple's complete lack of familiarity that makes Perry's story so absorbing to watch.

"For me, the nine days I spent with the Asghar family in Pakistan," Perry says, "watching Tabriz adjust to the culture and customs was life-changing. He's just as American as I am."

When Perry asks Sumra, the bride, how she feels about the marriage, she simply replies, "It is what it is." The 22-year-old was planning to go to law school, but since the engagement, she says her parents have told her there's little point in pursuing her degree as it would be in Islamic law and take her four years to complete.

As the two were married in late 2005, we were curious to know how they are getting along now. Perry reports that once Sumra's visa was cleared in September, she arrived in the United States. She and Tabriz are currently living with his parents. Tabriz says he still questions being married, but he's OK with it. As for his wife, he says, "She's very patient with me."

Jackie Bennion
Senior Interactive Producer

(anonymous)
Hello,I would like to thank you for this report. Recently I've been experiencing something very difficult: I am in love with a Pakistani-American who cannot be with me because of the marriage traditions he is bound to. This video helped me learn more about their culture. Actually it has helped me in more ways than I can explain. Thank you very, very much.

(anonymous)
As a Pakistani-American who grew up in the West, I can not understand how one can let the parents decide who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Because of limited communication with the to-be spouse before marriage, you are almost in the dark as to what to expect from your spouse. No matter what happens after marriage, you will always have that doubt whether you would have married this person had it been a love marriage. I just feel that in an arranged marriage, it is extremely hard to have a sense of appreciation for each other while knowing deep down inside that the only reason you're with your spouse is because of your parents. In addition, if an arranged- marriage doesn't work out, you can not even hold yourself accountable for saying yes to her in the first place. After all, it was your parents who set you up with her. In contrast, in a love marriage, if things work out, there is a sense of appreciation for each other. If things don't work out, you can at least hold your self accountable. Some would point to the divorce rate among arranged and love-marriages to point out why arranged marriages are better (love marriages have a greater than 50% chance of ending up in a divorce). A fallacy in that theory is that some arranged marriages are dysfunctional from the get-go. Yet, because of social reasons and the fact may traditional families consider divorce to be a taboo, spouses would rather spend the rest of their lives unhappy with each other than get a divorce.--Asher

(anonymous)
Excellent, being an Australian Pakistani, I can imagine how that guy would be feeling at the time of the marriage. It reflects the sub continental culture, however. There are pros and cons of these arranged marriages.

(anonymous)
I grew up in India and arranged marriage is actually a preferred way by the society at large. Marriage is considered to be the merging of two families rather than two individuals. I dont know what good and what bad lies in arranged marriages. But to the west I pose this question, isnt dating also prearranged? For example, a friend set up with her single friend...

Mel Flu - Allen, TX
The idea of an arranged marriage seems very odd to me as an American teen, who is used to the concept of marriage for love and has already witnessed several weddings of various relatives. This was definitely a new look at marriage--to marry someone who is almost a stranger simply because it is tradition or your family tells you to. I find it rather distressing that both bride and groom reported that no one had really asked them what they thought of the proceedings, though I suppose it might be easier to get through such a marriage if you didn't think of it too much at the time. But both Tabriz and Sumra seemed hopeful about the outcome of such a marriage, even though they were very awkward with each other during the celebrations. After the marriage they seemed more relaxed sitting by each other, which seems to express successful bonding. It would take a great deal of courage to deal with your new spouse after the wedding, which I believe they both display. They display wonderful values of loyalty to family. I hope they are happy together.

Lincoln, CA
I am sorry I missed this program.

FRONTLINE/World's editors respond:
You did not miss it. You can watch it right here online. Just press play.

(anonymous)
Thanks for a great little film. I loved how you captured the uncertainty this guy was feeling, how he tried to inch toward the bride when they were sitting together and she immediately inched away from him. And I love the last shot of them walking together, she carrying her heavy dress...

Amin Ali - Sugar Land, TX
I am happy that Mrs. Kim Perry chose to document a report on this subject. Even though Pakistan and India are modernizing and many citizens are letting go of past traditions such as sati (widow burning), etc. some issues remain such as marrying girls aged 15 to men who are 20-30 years older than them, women being forced to marry men that end up leaving them, and dowry laws which continue to lead many women to suicide and death by in-laws. Thanks Mrs. Perry and please continue your work!

A Jensen - New York, NY
Very, very interesting- waiting for the follow up!

Waheed Shams - Elmhurst, NY
I've been in US for last fifteen or so years. My views have changed dramatically towards arranged marriage even though it's part of our family tradition and national culture. My cousins who were born and raised in US were also married in similar fashion. I have also seen cousins back home (in Pakistan) getting married to their choice of brides as well. I guess there are all kind of possibilities and most of them depend on personal choices.

Paul Deyerle - Belgrade, MT
I understand more now than I did before. Thanks.

David Castle - Front Royal, VA
What a great production. Miss Perry should continue to produce these kinds of productions. Great job keep up the good work.