(STEVE SMITH) is the leader of Possum Lodge, Chapter 13, a northern Ontario eyesore who's
motto is, Quondo Omni Flunkus Mortati (When All Else Fails, Play Dead.)
Red has the down home wisdon of Will Rogers, the rural charm of Garrison
Keillor, and about 18 times as much handyman inventiveness as the entire
cast of Home Improvement. Married to the ever-understanding and never
seen Bernice, Red has no children, just a television show that's a fishing
show, a fix-it show, and a men's advice program all rolled into about 3/4.
Red is the glue that holds the lodge together. He is friendly, inventive,
cheap, and as honest as the day is long, which means he's the least honest
on December 21st. When he works on his Handyman projects, Red is
not stupid, he's just sort of lazy, impatient, and prone to subsitute sub-standard
items (such as usiing duct tape instead of nails, screws, bolts, glass,
glue, rivets, solder, or welding) so Red's projects are always less
than reliable and more than butt ugly. Red is deeply respectful of
his wife Bernice, and quite the opposite of Harold. Viewers trust
Red. He is sensible. He scorns fads and fancies. He cuts
through the crap. He is everyone's friend and confident, because
he is very tolerant. With friends like he has, he has to be.
(PAT MCKENNA) is Red's nerdy, nebbish, nasal nephew--the son Red never had, and no wonder.
Harold is gawky, over eager, over bite, and overly sensitive. He
is appalled by most of the behaviour of the lodge members, especially when
he is excluded from the fun. Harold is the voice of sanity, of moderation,
and of politically correct sentiments--naturally the lodge members hate
him. Unfortunately for Red, Harold actually knows a lot about television
and computers and technology, so he needs the geek to produce and direct
the show. Harold fancies himself the next Spielberg.
But the only people who are calling from Hollywood are Fredericks.
Harold is an 8 year old trapped in the body of an 18 year old person, possibly
male. Harold thinks the show could be great, and is constantly pushing
for Red to raise the production standards, improve the quality of guests,
and the up the pace. Red suggest Up Yours.
(RICK GREEN) is an
outdoorsman with a difference--he's a walking disaster area, a complete
physical klutz. The good news is he's also indestructible... no,
wait that's bad news cause it means he keeps coming back and hurting Red.
The good news is that he's a complete optimist and laughs in the face of
danger... no, come to think of it, that's bad news too, cause it means
he always does things the hard way. Bill will try any sport, activity,
or challenge, and with such enthusiasm, anyone with twenty feet will also
end up being hurt. Bill doesn't really understand the laws of physics,
and so sometimes he breaks them accidently. His weekly Adventure
films are like Road Runner cartoons, only in black and white. And
slower music. And not quite as believable.
is a burnout from the 60's, a bush pilot who believes in free love, free
lunch, and free falling. Yes, he's a speed-freak in that he flies
and drives way to fast for his abilities. He's a self taught pilot,
who missed most of the classes. After every crash, he asks the same
quesiton, "Wow, that was cool! Did you get that on film?" He's
an anacrhonism in terms of musical tastes, fashion sense, and vocabularly.
Buzz thinks women are still into open relationships--he's stuck in the
summer of love in the autumn of life. He's scared of commitment,
and of government conspiracies.
works for the Ministry of Natural Resources when he isn't playing golf.
Even when he is. "I"m not golfing Red, I'm uh, checking the gradient
of this land by watching how these balls roll.... Boy, this is some gradient..."
If golf is supposed to relax you, then you might well ask, "Why is Bob
about to have a stroke?" It's because he's a terrible golfer.
He losses ever game, dozens of balls and one or two clubs every time he
goes out. Which is four or five times a day. He tries to keep
his hips loose, his head down, his arms straight, but then he lashes the
ball with his club like someone with a lot of frustration. Bob knows
everything there is to know about golf but can't seem to apply it to his
own game. Same with women--Bob has been married 4 times. Bob
comes from a well to do family, who have cut him off because he has wasted
his life with golf. They think he has ruined his life, not to mention
3920 perfectly good golf clubs and an equal number of innocent trees.
Bob is an example of how guys can take something fun and ruin it.
Did I mention he was married 4 times?
is a Fire Warden who has been manning his Fire Watch Tower for 16 years
without a vacation, a professional development day, or more than five minutes
sleep. Naturally this lack of rest has somewhat lowered Ranger Gord's
efficiency--he once mistook a log for a naked woman. He's also had
no pay cheque for the last 15 years, but when Red suggests head office
may have forgotten him he poo-poos the idea with a kind of desperate look
in his eyes. Gord has had no visitors, male or especially female,
so he's somewhat needy and desperate when anyone shows up. So no
one does. Except Red. Ranger Gord is eager to please, "Look
Red I opened five cans of creamed corn in honour of your visit."
Red never stays long, and Gord tries not to cry or screeam when Red goes...."Come
back soon. Good to see you... See you soon. Tomorrow maybe?"
Gords only friends are the animals. And the bugs. And the plants.
And many rocks. Well, actually the rocks think he's a bit wearing
The owner of Dalton Humphries Everything Store has developed incredible
fine motor skills from penny pinching. His junk store is filled with
crap that's only worth something if you want to buy it. Curmudgeonly
Dalton laughs himself silly over Yuppies who pay for crap just cause it
has character, but he's delighted to oblige them, and isn't above making
things more "antique" with his hammer. Dalton's marriage is like
the favourite cardigan he wears--old, stuff, too tight, and unfit for anyone
else. The biggest problem in his life is his daughter who spends
money like water, "30 doollars for a pair of jeans! Can you beleive
it?!" Even more infuriating is his daughter's boyfriend, a layabout
of the first order. Dalton is dour, sour, but prone to fits of laughter
over other people's misery. He doesn't mean to be insensitive, but
he tells people exactly what he thinks of them, because they deserve the
benefit of his wisdom.
owns Braxton's Marina, which sells, but doesn't service, whatever you want,
expecially unseaworthy boats or expensive gadgets. He lives at the
marina but apparently doesn't work there. Other mechanics stand behind
their products, Glen stands behind the shed, hiding, until you leave.
He is the world's laziest human being. Makes you wonder how he managed
to find the energy to father six girls. Six big strapping girls.
They take after Glen's side of the family. A regular WWF card
of ladies. The only thing that gets Glen excited is his R.V..
He's put hundreds of hours into fixing it up, pausing only to tell customers
the part for their boat hasn't come in yet, (Cause it hasnt' been ordered
yet.) Glen's R.V. is huge. It's spic and span and ready to
go... whenever and wherever you want to go. Glen is looking for any
excuse to hit the open road, just ready to go.... To get away... from here....
runs the local ferry boat. That much is true. Everything else
he says is pure hooey. But he says it with such aplomb, and he can
calmly answers any question, any nitpicker, any naysayer, that he should
really be in politics. But then he was, "I used to be King of England...."
Spy. Astronaut. Inventor. President. Race car driver.
Brain surgeon. No matter what you've done, he's done it better, bigger,
and with more beautiful women. He knows his stories sound amazing,
"If I hadn't seen me kill that rhino with that spoon, I wouldn't have believed
it could be done." He doesn't tell tall tales, these are
is a local handyman with a past. Mike is on probation, and is trying
desperately to break his old criminal habits. With Red's help Mike
is on the straight and narrow, always promising that "I don't do that no
more, Mr Green." Mike's life has been difficult even by the standards
of most white-trash, jail-bird, drop-out, trailer-park, tattoed, morons.
He's small and scrawny, but so sweet and sincere, you can't help but root
for him. Everyone wants to help Mike be successful, but it's hard
cause he does everything wrong. And when Red points out what he did
wrong, Mike loses all his self confidence, "I'm no good, I'm a loser.
The judge was right. Big loser." He's so hard on himself, Red
ends up trying to cheer him up again, "No, that's okay Mike. The
wall looks good with the hole in it." Mike is not dangerous, there's
not a mean bone in his body. The problem is that the only thing he's
ever come by honestly is his criminal tendencies, being the product of
a long line of felons, jailbirds, scam artists, and biker chicks.
If he didn't own a Monster Truck, he'd be dead by now. Luckily every
time he crashes into another vehicle, or building, or roadside attraction,
he wins. He only drives a big truck because he knows what kind of
message it sends to the ladies. "Women love big trucks, Red."
This good old boy from the Deep South moved to Canada cause he thought
the speed limits were a 100 miles per hour. Opinionated and smug,
he thinks Canadians are a bunch of wimps, sissies, and worst of all bad
drivers. "Why do you know how many of em I've crashed into since
I moved here?" Everything he owns is the best, at least in
terms of his vehicles, no expense is spared even if it means foregoing
luxuries like a house, or a shed, or clothing. Dougie is an exerpt
in two areas of life, Cars and women. "What else is there, really,
when you think about it?"
believes that all of life's problems, big and small can be solved with
several well-placed sticks of dynamite. "Your wife left you?
Blow up the stove. Otherwise you'll start cooking for yourself and
that's dangerous." Edgar is hard of hearing, short several fingers,
and not really big on safety, but he remains confident that with enough
explosive you can overcome anything life throws at you.
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD III
is into Tony Robbin's-style motivational courses, self-improvement, self-help,
self-starting, entreprenerial courses, business trends, laptops, cel-phones,
franchising, disversifying, and all the latest management fads. He
is geared to success, and has made it big, as the C.E.O. of Rothschild's
Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Winston has made it to the top
of the sewage pile thanks to his father, "He taught me how drink and women
and gambling will ruin you, he was great that way." The idea that
Winston's life stinks, his job stinks, his family was stinky, and that
he is a small town hoser just never crosses his mind, "After all, as my
personal motivational guru Anthony Anthony says, 'Think it big and make
is a roofer by trade, and constantly in casts and bandages by default.
But working for his dad's roofing company is just his day job till his
coutnry and western singing career catches on. Having written 13,000
songs, Arnie knows it's just a matter of time before he's the next Garth
Brooks. Red feels that learning to play the guitar well and taking
some singing lessons might speed up the process, but laconic Arnie knows
it's really a matter of just writing a hit, "like this latest song I've
written about a guy who's written a lot of songs and it goes like this..."
is a yuppie developer from the big city who's using his contacts to try
and make a bundle by wheeling and dealing around Possum Lake. Unfortunately
he's learning that there are reasons why the land here is so cheap--problems
you don't have int he city like mosquitoes, swamp, sinkholes, bogs, lack
of water service, phone lines, power service or road access. Poor
___ is constantly losing out to these rubes and slowing discovering that
simple people aren't necessarily stupid or naive.
BERNICE GREEN is Red's
wife. We've never seen her but she sounds like the sweetest woman,
and obviously the most tolerant. Red loves her very much, but like
Fred had his Wilma, Red knows she doesn't always approve of his shenanigans.
At the end of each show Red promises Bernice he's on his way home and drops
a double entendre which suggests that despite years of marriage they are
still very active romantically. Not to mention lots of sex.,
OLD MAN SEDGEWICK is very very very old. He's cranky, sour, semi
senile, and mean. And in bad health.
MOOSE THOMPSON is very large and stupid and strong.