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CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS
BY RICK GREEN
RED GREEN
(STEVE SMITH)
is the leader of Possum Lodge, Chapter 13, a northern Ontario eyesore who's motto is, Quondo Omni Flunkus Mortati (When All Else Fails, Play Dead.)  Red has the down home wisdon of Will Rogers, the rural charm of Garrison Keillor, and about 18 times as much handyman inventiveness as the entire cast of Home Improvement.  Married to the ever-understanding and never seen Bernice, Red has no children, just a television show that's a fishing show, a fix-it show, and a men's advice program all rolled into about 3/4.  Red is the glue that holds the lodge together.  He is friendly, inventive, cheap, and as honest as the day is long, which means he's the least honest on December 21st.  When he works on his Handyman projects, Red is not stupid, he's just sort of lazy, impatient, and prone to subsitute sub-standard items (such as usiing duct tape instead of nails, screws, bolts, glass, glue, rivets, solder, or welding) so Red's projects are  always less than reliable and more than butt ugly.  Red is deeply respectful of his wife Bernice, and quite the opposite of Harold.  Viewers trust Red.  He is sensible.  He scorns fads and fancies.  He cuts through the crap.  He is everyone's friend and confident, because he is very tolerant.  With friends like he has, he has to be.

HAROLD GREEN
(PAT MCKENNA)
is Red's nerdy, nebbish, nasal nephew--the son Red never had, and no wonder.  Harold is gawky, over eager, over bite, and overly sensitive.  He is appalled by most of the behaviour of the lodge members, especially when he is excluded from the fun.  Harold is the voice of sanity, of moderation, and of politically correct sentiments--naturally the lodge members hate him.  Unfortunately for Red, Harold actually knows a lot about television and computers and technology, so he needs the geek to produce and direct the show.  Harold fancies himself the next  Spielberg.  But the only people who are calling from Hollywood are Fredericks.  Harold is an 8 year old trapped in the body of an 18 year old person, possibly male.  Harold thinks the show could be great, and is constantly pushing for Red to raise the production standards, improve the quality of guests, and the up the pace.  Red suggest Up Yours.

BILL SMITH:
(RICK GREEN) is an outdoorsman with a difference--he's a walking disaster area, a complete physical klutz.  The good news is he's also indestructible... no, wait that's bad news cause it means he keeps coming back and hurting Red.  The good news is that he's a complete optimist and laughs in the face of danger... no, come to think of it, that's bad news too, cause it means he always does things the hard way.  Bill will try any sport, activity, or challenge, and with such enthusiasm, anyone with twenty feet will also end up being hurt.  Bill doesn't really understand the laws of physics, and so sometimes he breaks them accidently.  His weekly Adventure films are like Road Runner cartoons, only in black and white.  And slower music.  And not quite as believable.

BUZZ SHERWOOD
(PETER WILDMAN)
is a burnout from the 60's, a bush pilot who believes in free love, free lunch, and free falling.  Yes, he's a speed-freak in that he flies and drives way to fast for his abilities.  He's a self taught pilot, who missed most of the classes.  After every crash, he asks the same quesiton, "Wow, that was cool!  Did you get that on film?"  He's an anacrhonism in terms of musical tastes, fashion sense, and vocabularly.   Buzz thinks women are still into open relationships--he's stuck in the summer of love in the autumn of life.  He's scared of commitment, and of government conspiracies.

BOB STUYVESTANT
(BRUCE HUNTER)
works for the Ministry of Natural Resources when he isn't playing golf.  Even when he is.  "I"m not golfing Red, I'm uh, checking the gradient of this land by watching how these balls roll.... Boy, this is some gradient..."  If golf is supposed to relax you, then you might well ask, "Why is Bob about to have a stroke?"  It's because he's a terrible golfer.  He losses ever game, dozens of balls and one or two clubs every time he goes out.  Which is four or five times a day.  He tries to keep his hips loose, his head down, his arms straight, but then he lashes the ball with his club like someone with a lot of frustration.  Bob knows everything there is to know about golf but can't seem to apply it to his own game.  Same with women--Bob has been married 4 times.  Bob comes from a well to do family, who have cut him off because he has wasted his life with golf.  They think he has ruined his life, not to mention 3920 perfectly good golf clubs and an equal number of innocent trees.  Bob is an example of how guys can take something fun and ruin it.  Did I mention he was married 4 times?

RANGER GORD
(PETER KELLEGHAN)
is a Fire Warden who has been manning his Fire Watch Tower for 16 years without a vacation, a professional development day, or more than five minutes sleep.  Naturally this lack of rest has somewhat lowered Ranger Gord's efficiency--he once mistook a log for a naked woman.  He's also had no pay cheque for the last 15 years, but when Red suggests head office may have forgotten him he poo-poos the idea with a kind of desperate look in his eyes.  Gord has had no visitors, male or especially female, so he's somewhat needy and desperate when anyone shows up.  So no one does.  Except Red.  Ranger Gord is eager to please, "Look Red I opened five cans of creamed corn in honour of your visit."  Red never stays long, and Gord tries not to cry or screeam when Red goes...."Come back soon.  Good to see you... See you soon.  Tomorrow maybe?"   Gords only friends are the animals. And the bugs.  And the plants.  And many rocks.  Well, actually the rocks think he's a bit wearing and annoying.

DALTON HUMPRHIES
(BOB BAINBOROUGH)
The owner of Dalton Humphries Everything Store has developed incredible fine motor skills from penny pinching.  His junk store is filled with crap that's only worth something if you want to buy it.  Curmudgeonly Dalton laughs himself silly over Yuppies who pay for crap just cause it has character, but he's delighted to oblige them, and isn't above making things more "antique" with his hammer.  Dalton's marriage is like the favourite cardigan he wears--old, stuff, too tight, and unfit for anyone else.  The biggest problem in his life is his daughter who spends money like water, "30 doollars for a pair of jeans!  Can you beleive it?!"  Even more infuriating is his daughter's boyfriend, a layabout of the first order.  Dalton is dour, sour, but prone to fits of laughter over other people's misery.  He doesn't mean to be insensitive, but he tells people exactly what he thinks of them, because they deserve the benefit of his wisdom.

GLEN BRAXTON
(MARK WILSON)
owns Braxton's Marina, which sells, but doesn't service, whatever you want, expecially unseaworthy boats or expensive gadgets.  He lives at the marina but apparently doesn't work there.  Other mechanics stand behind their products, Glen stands behind the shed, hiding, until you leave.  He is the world's laziest human being.  Makes you wonder how he managed to find the energy to father six girls.  Six big strapping girls.  They take after Glen's side of the family.   A regular WWF card of ladies.  The only thing that gets Glen excited is his R.V..  He's put hundreds of hours into fixing it up, pausing only to tell customers the part for their boat hasn't come in yet, (Cause it hasnt' been ordered yet.)  Glen's R.V. is huge.  It's spic and span and ready to go... whenever and wherever you want to go.  Glen is looking for any excuse to hit the open road, just ready to go.... To get away... from here....

HAP SHAUGHNESSY
(GORDON PINSENT)
runs the local ferry boat.  That much is true.  Everything else he says is pure hooey.  But he says it with such aplomb, and he can calmly answers any question, any nitpicker, any naysayer, that he should really be in politics.  But then he was, "I used to be King of England...."  Spy.  Astronaut.  Inventor.  President.  Race car driver.  Brain surgeon.  No matter what you've done, he's done it better, bigger, and with more beautiful women.  He knows his stories sound amazing, "If I hadn't seen me kill that rhino with that spoon, I wouldn't have believed it could be done."  He doesn't tell tall tales, these are

MIKE HAMMER
(WAYNE ROBSON)
is a local handyman with a past.  Mike is on probation, and is trying desperately to break his old criminal habits.  With Red's help Mike is on the straight and narrow, always promising that "I don't do that no more, Mr Green."  Mike's life has been difficult even by the standards of most white-trash, jail-bird, drop-out, trailer-park, tattoed, morons.  He's small and scrawny, but so sweet and sincere, you can't help but root for him.  Everyone wants to help Mike be successful, but it's hard cause he does everything wrong.  And when Red points out what he did wrong, Mike loses all his self confidence, "I'm no good, I'm a loser.  The judge was right.  Big loser."  He's so hard on himself, Red ends up trying to cheer him up again, "No, that's okay Mike.  The wall looks good with the hole in it."  Mike is not dangerous, there's not a mean bone in his body.  The problem is that the only thing he's ever come by honestly is his criminal tendencies, being the product of a long line of felons, jailbirds, scam artists, and biker chicks.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN
(IAN THOMAS)
If he didn't own a Monster Truck, he'd be dead by now.  Luckily every time he crashes into another vehicle, or building, or roadside attraction, he wins.  He only drives a big truck because he knows what kind of message it sends to the ladies.  "Women love big trucks, Red."  This good old boy from the Deep South moved to Canada cause he thought the speed limits were a 100 miles per hour.  Opinionated and smug, he thinks Canadians are a bunch of wimps, sissies, and worst of all bad drivers.  "Why do you know how many of em I've crashed into since I moved here?"   Everything he owns is the best, at least in terms of his vehicles, no expense is spared even if it means foregoing luxuries like a house, or a shed, or clothing.  Dougie is an exerpt in two areas of life, Cars and women.  "What else is there, really, when you think about it?"

EDGAR MONTROSE
(GRAHAM GREENE)
believes that all of life's problems, big and small can be solved with several well-placed sticks of dynamite.  "Your wife left you?  Blow up the stove.  Otherwise you'll start cooking for yourself and that's dangerous."  Edgar is hard of hearing, short several fingers, and not really big on safety, but he remains confident that with enough explosive you can overcome anything life throws at you.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD III
(JEFF LUMBY)
is into Tony Robbin's-style motivational courses, self-improvement, self-help, self-starting, entreprenerial courses, business trends, laptops, cel-phones, franchising, disversifying, and all the latest management fads.  He is geared to success, and has made it big, as the C.E.O. of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.  Winston has made it to the top of the sewage pile thanks to his father, "He taught me how drink and women and gambling will ruin you, he was great that way."  The idea that Winston's life stinks, his job stinks, his family was stinky, and that he is a small town hoser just never crosses his mind, "After all, as my personal motivational guru Anthony Anthony says, 'Think it big and make it big.'"

ARNIE DOOGEN
is a roofer by trade, and constantly in casts and bandages by default.  But working for his dad's roofing company is just his day job till his coutnry and western singing career catches on.  Having written 13,000 songs, Arnie knows it's just a matter of time before he's the next Garth Brooks.  Red feels that learning to play the guitar well and taking some singing lessons might speed up the process, but laconic Arnie knows it's really a matter of just writing a hit, "like this latest song I've written about a guy who's written a lot of songs and it goes like this..."

KEVIN BLACK
(PAUL GROSS)
is a yuppie developer from the big city who's using his contacts to try and make a bundle by wheeling and dealing around Possum Lake.  Unfortunately he's learning that there are reasons why the land here is so cheap--problems you don't have int he city like mosquitoes, swamp, sinkholes, bogs, lack of water service, phone lines, power service or road access.  Poor ___ is constantly losing out to these rubes and slowing discovering that simple people aren't necessarily stupid or naive.



MYTHICAL CHARACTERS:

BERNICE GREEN is Red's wife.  We've never seen her but she sounds like the sweetest woman, and obviously the most tolerant.  Red loves her very much, but like Fred had his Wilma, Red knows she doesn't always approve of his shenanigans.  At the end of each show Red promises Bernice he's on his way home and drops a double entendre which suggests that despite years of marriage they are still very active romantically.  Not to mention lots of sex.,

OLD MAN SEDGEWICK is very very very old.  He's cranky, sour, semi senile, and mean.  And in bad health.

MOOSE THOMPSON is very large and stupid and strong.

STINKY PETERSON is very very smelly and unclean.

JUNIOR SINGLETON is very unlucky with women.


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