The problem with how we look at fatness, in one poem

Poet and body positive activist Rachel Wiley wants to change the way we look at fatness.

For years as a performer and poet, Wiley did not address this topic, she said. “I shied away from writing about my body for a long time because I didn’t want to be the fat poet,” she said. “I think I subconsciously thought, ‘Oh, if I don’t talk about my fat, nobody else will notice my fat.'”

But in 2010, she was spurred to write in response to two incidents that highlighted negative treatment of fat people in the U.S.

In October 2009, designer Karl Lagerfeld drew bad press for telling a German news magazine that “No one wants to see curvy women” on the runway. Several months later, the director Kevin Smith live-tweeted his experience getting kicked off a Southwest flight after being told his size was a “safety risk.”

Wiley said she wrote “Gorgon,” her first piece about fatness, “out of anger” at these incidents. She continued to write about herself and fat positivity, in part to examine the damaging effect of unrealistic body expectations that permeate mass media in the U.S., she said.

“The more I dove into body positivity, I think the sort of core of it has been wanting to undo the damage that made me anxious about somebody noticing or calling out my fat,” Wiley said.

Her poems were bold, bombastic and inspired emails from fans who asked how to achieve her confidence. But she also wanted to write about how she arrived at that confidence, she said.

The result was “For Fat Girls Who Considered Starvation When Bulimia Wasn’t Enough,” a piece that looks at the physical and emotional effects of bulimia.

“A lot of people in the body positivity movement, and more specifically in the fat positivity movement, we tried all those things. We tried dieting. We tried bulimia. We tried the eating disorders. We submitted to this idea of what we’re supposed to be and nearly ruined ourselves,” she said. “I wanted to show people that I had been there too, that I wasn’t always confident.”

The act of writing about fat bodies as attractive and worthy is still a radical act in a literary environment that often treats fatness as shorthand for a person’s negative qualities, she said.

“They’re talked about these grotesque things. It’s often used as a way for you to dislike a character before they tell you anything about the character. That, to me, is incredibly lazy,” she said. “I hope to build refuge in my work for people who feel targeted by body shame in that hopes that enough of us can rally and push back.”

You can watch Wiley perform the poem above or read it below.

For Fat Girls Who Considered Starvation When Bulimia Wasn’t Enough

Mom says that my teeth are perfect
Perfect brother has just gotten braces on his top four front teeth
A tiny railroad bridge connecting nothing
And mom says that my teeth are perfect.
At last my quiet mouth, the overlook, the swallowed feelings have all paid off
and cultured something perfect and mine.
My mouth is a music box
stuffed with pearls.

Perfect brother is tall
And lean eats whatever he wants
One time a whole box of oatmeal cream pies.
but it is more clear each day that my baby fat is no longer baby fat
but just fat
It is more clear each day that I will not be a ballerina
I had wanted to be a ballerina.
My mouth is a music box
A small girl spins gracefully at the back of my throat
On point
I am sure if I can just reach far enough back I could still have her grace
I reach for her every night after dinner while the bathtub fills.

Until one day the health teacher shows us a photo
of a mouth crammed full of broken, yellowed dishes
says that a side effect of Bulimia
is ruined teeth
but Mom said that my teeth were perfect
And my perfect is a ransom I cannot bring myself to pay for the spinning girl
SoI swallow her
and then nothing more for 4 whole days
My mouth is a music box, plays a low gear grinding that puts me to sleep.

When I do not wake up any closer to the spinning girl encircled in pink tulle
but rather still a ravenous hollow encircled in overgrowth
I sneak down to the pantry and devour an entire box of oatmeal cream pies in the dark
before going upstairs to brush my perfect teeth 1 at a time.

Rachel Wiley is a performer, poet, and body positive activist from Columbus, Ohio. She has a BA in Theatre Studies from Capital University. Rachel has represented Columbus in multiple National Poetry Slam Competitions and was a finalist twice in 2011. She has toured nationally performing at slam venues, colleges and festivals (notably the 2014 Geraldine R Dodge Poetry Festival). She is the author of “Fat Girl Finishing School” (Timber Mouse Publishing 2014). Her work has appeared on Upworthy, The Huffington Post and Everyday Feminism. This poem was previously published in “Drunk in a Midnight Choir.”