Halloween Dream

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• ROGER ROSENBLATT:

  I'm a little old for trick-or-treating, so I dream my Halloweens. Every year, I save up all the things that scare me, and convene them in a single dream that has the effect of the original Halloween; it gets them out of my system. I dream, and they are all together in one place, and then they are dispelled. And so, last night I dreamed…

  Of billionaire balloonists attempting to circumnavigate the world for their own amusement, and then explaining how close they came. I dreamed of the cast of "Riverdance," dancing and dancing. I dreamed of all the Christmas movies that might have been made for television: Whoopi Goldberg as Scrooge; the bad little boy who was eaten by Santa Claus, with Anthony Hopkins as Santa.

• ANTHONY HOPKINS:

  I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. (Makes slurping sound )

• ROGER ROSENBLATT:

  I dreamed of people who use words like "brio" and "scenario," and songs that rhyme "hand" and "understand." I dreamed of reggae music, endless reggae music playing as I was strolling into a bookstore stocked entirely with biographies of dead U.S. Presidents.

  And as I am staring at the biographies of dead Presidents, a motorcycle gang thunders in wearing souvenir Nazi helmets and shouting such things as, "let's get on with our lives," and, "no problem." I dreamed of the U.N.– the entire U.N.– meeting and talking and talking and talking and meeting. I dreamed of Attorney General John Ashcroft and stared at his face and I asked him why "Law & Order" was the only show on television. He told me to mind my own business, and then he marched me into my house and sat me down in front of the TV and forced me to watch tapes of "the wisdom of Joseph Campbell…"

• SPOKESMAN:

  We've got a present for you.

• ROGER ROSENBLATT:

  And of America's home videos. He made me watch Survivor.

• SINGER:

  You call my name…

• ROGER ROSENBLATT:

  He made me watch the preliminary rounds of American Idol. No sooner did he leave my house, then entered the Boston Red Sox, followed by the fans of the Boston Red Sox, followed by an even larger group of writers who write poems about the Boston Red Sox. They, in turn, were followed by French intellectuals and then by French non-intellectuals, and mimes, and French mimes. I dreamed of university professors lecturing on the meaning of Alfred Hitchcock movies.

• ACTRESS:

  How's your leg?

• ROGER ROSENBLATT:

  TV judges– Judge Judy and the rest. They were announcing what was coming up on Meet the Press. I dreamed of economy experts and shark experts and food experts; and of Dr. Phil, who was yelling at me to straighten up and fly right, while in the background I heard someone singing, "and I, yi, yi…"

• SINGING:

  And I will always love you…

• ROGER ROSENBLATT:

  It was Moammar Qaddafi. And just when I thought things could not get more frightening, I dreamed of game four of the Yankee-Angels playoff series, and I saw that fly ball drop between Bernie Williams and Alfonso Soriano, saw it drop over and over and over. And then it was over, or almost over; for the last thing I saw was me, myself, and I was saying the words that frighten me most:

  I'm Roger Rosenblatt.