5 Ways to Help Kids Be Flexible When Plans Change

One sunny afternoon this past summer, my three kids did something miraculous. Together, without any help from me, they hatched a plan that they all agreed on: a trip to our neighborhood pool. Minutes after receiving my approval, my 4-year-old stood at the front door, towel draped around his neck, twirling his goggles and asking in a sing-songy voice what was taking everyone else so long.

As the rest of us flip-flopped our way down the sidewalk, he sprinted gleefully ahead to the corner. Until BOOM. A clap of thunder.

My son’s face fell as he looked up toward the sky. “But it’s sunny,” he declared, as his bottom lip started to quiver. I braced myself for a flash of temper.

But before he could melt down, my 6-year-old shrugged and said, “I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles. That’s what my kindergarten teacher used to say.”

Wait. What?!

Sometimes, when we think they aren’t, these kids really are paying attention. So it’s up to us as parents (and family, teachers, and friends) to show our children what to do when things don’t go according to plan.

Here are five ways to build flexible thinking skills and help your kids go with the flow when plans change:

In the story “Camp Buddy Buddy” from the PBS KIDS series “Donkey Hodie,” the wind ruins all of Donkey and Panda’s plans for a fun day. When the wind blows Donkey and Panda’s pom-poms away and they can’t do their Camp Buddy Buddy cheer, they improvise by grabbing twigs instead. When wind gusts blow their basketball hoop away, they take turns shooting the ball into each other’s hats. If your child was really hoping to color with crayons, but they’re all broken, brainstorm what else they might be able to use. They might like “drawing” with sticks in dirt even more!

As adults, we are constantly adjusting our own plans — but our kids don’t know what we don’t tell them! Narrate your thought process to let your child know just how often you use flexible thinking. “I was planning on wearing my blue shirt today, but I just realized it’s dirty. I really wanted to wear it! Hmm. What should I do? I guess I’ll wear this red one instead and do the laundry today.” Sharing your flexible thoughts out loud is a useful way to model adaptability for your child.

Whenever something goes wrong at Camp Buddy Buddy, Donkey and Panda sing their catchy tune: “We can do it, yes we can, we can change the plan!” Don’t want to break out in song and dance? No problem. Choose a phrase to use with your kids when you need them to go with the flow. I often tell mine to “put on their flexible pants” and then mime pulling on tight pants. This makes them laugh and reminds them to stay calm and come up with a new idea. It is also helpful to repeat that “Sometimes things change that we can’t control — and that’s okay.” Or my son’s go-to saying these days: “That’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

When I know a situation might arise that my kids won’t love, I try to bring it up ahead of time and talk through ways we can handle it. “What if the grocery store doesn’t have cookie dough ice cream? Let’s come up with a second choice flavor, and even a third, just in case.” At the beginning of the school year, as class lists come out, we talk through different scenarios, like, what if their best friend is in a different class? “How will you feel? What are some things we can do to make sure you still get to play together?” Talking about things before they happen helps kids to envision multiple outcomes, prepare for big emotions, and come up with a plan for handling them.

When Donkey and Panda watch their camp flag blow away, they paint a rock to represent Camp Buddy Buddy instead. Then they cheer, “We saved Camp Buddy Buddy!” Be your child’s flexibility cheerleader — a bit of praise can go a long way. Compliment your child when you catch them being flexible. Recognize their accomplishment out loud: “I love the way you paused, stayed calm, and picked a new plan.”

As kids navigate changes in a new school year, flexible thinking is high on the priority list. Help your child prepare for all of the possible scenarios. Remind them that adults have to be flexible too, and that when plans change, you’re here to listen to their feelings and help. And that best of all, their brains have a super power: the ability to adapt when plans change.