Build Your Child’s Confidence to Try New Things

Max was having difficulty participating in activities, even those he typically enjoys, such as swimming and soccer. He would purposefully act-up and get sidelined, claim he was bored or refuse to engage. His parents had tried cheerleading (“But you’re great at swimming!” “You love soccer!”), offering rewards (taking Max out for ice cream if he would get in the pool), and comparing him to his peers to try to motivate him (“Look at Joey having so much fun splashing around!”). Nothing worked. His parents felt sad that Max was missing out on experiences they knew he would enjoy. They also worried about what it would mean for him to only stick to things he felt totally safe doing, and not take any risks.

Children resisting to try new things or engage in activities that they haven’t fully mastered is not uncommon. It’s also not uncommon for parents to try a whole range of strategies to get their children to participate. The reason they often don't work well is because they don’t address the underlying issue — what is causing the child’s discomfort and thus his resistance.

For many children, the root cause has to do with their temperament. They are wired to be intensely tuned in to their experiences in the world. They are “processors” — keenly focused on and absorbing everything they see and experience. It’s like their brains don’t have an off button. They wonder: “What is this place? Who are these people? What am I expected to do here? Will I be successful at it?” This is in contrast to children who don’t process their experiences as deeply and will jump right in to new experiences.

The intensity with which more sensitive kids process their experiences can result in being more fearful, cautious and self-conscious, especially in new or group situations in which there is a performance component. If they face a challenge — something they don’t fully understand or a skill they haven’t mastered — they can feel out of control and vulnerable. This is a very uncomfortable feeling. To avoid it, children might complain they don’t feel well, say they don’t like the activity (even when they do), or simply refuse to try. They prefer to stick to what’s comfortable — activities that they have completely mastered and excel in.

Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Resist the temptation to jump in with reassurance (“But you’re going to be great at this!”) or by minimizing (“There’s nothing to be scared of.”). When we avoid or try to talk children out of their feelings, the feelings don’t go away, no matter how irrational you think they might be. Instead, children pick up on the fact that we are uncomfortable with their emotions and they learn to hold them in.

Show your child that you understand and accept her emotions, that you aren’t judging them as right or wrong, good or bad. Let her know that you totally get that new experiences can feel very uncomfortable or scary to her.“I know you are hesitant to join the swim class. And at the same time, you love swimming. Let’s think about how to help you feel comfortable in the group.”

Talk to your child about his “worry” versus his “thinking” brain. Explain that there are different parts of our brains. We all have a “worry” brain that makes us focus on and think about things that could go wrong or that might be scary. We also have a “thinking” part of our brain that lets our worry brains know that we can handle and master those fears.

Max’s parents used this strategy to help him, guiding him to think about what his brain was telling him. He said his worry brain was saying that he might not be able to do all the swimming moves correctly and that he might sink. His parents asked if all the kids were perfect swimmers, and Max said, no, the teacher has to help everyone. And she’s always there to keep the kids safe — no one sinks. Guiding children to look at their fears through this lens helps them make sense of and feel more in control of their complex feelings, making them more manageable.

Engage your child’s “thinking brain” to recall times when he was anxious about a situation that he muscled through successfully. Max’s parents reminded him of how nervous he’d been when he started at his new school. He worried about how the teachers would act, what the other kids would be like, and how it would be different from his other school. He clung to his parents at drop-off and most mornings begged not to go to school, saying that he didn’t like it or he wasn’t feeling well. She recalled how once he became more familiar with the new school, and his thinking brain helped him see that his worries were unfounded, he loved school. It can also be helpful for you to share a time when you were anxious about trying something new and how muscling through it led to a positive outcome.

Practice in advance. Go to the pool before class. Kick the soccer ball around the backyard. This can make your child feel more in control and competent once she joins the group. As Daniel Tiger says, “When we do something new, let’s talk about what we’ll do!”

Some children might have difficulty participating in activities due to fear or worry. But with you by their side, tuning in to the cause of their struggle and providing them with tools and support, children can persevere. Helping them make these decisions is a gift you can give your child.