Helping Children With Autism Connect With Emotions

I always tell my children that feeling your feelings is OK. If our goal is to raise adults who are able to use coping skills and regulate their emotions, we must start helping them with strategies when they are children.

When it comes to having a child who is autistic or who may have a developmental delay, we may get caught up in the stereotype that they don’t or can’t express emotion. And I am here to tell you: That’s a myth.

I am raising two autistic children — my 9-year-old daughter and my 6-year-old son. Like a lot of the things we do when parenting a child with a disability, we have to watch for different clues and be flexible in our expectation of what that expression may look like. For example, my oldest daughter uses a certain stim when excited — she will flap her hands. This is how I know she is enjoying whatever she is doing. Stimming is self-regulation and there are many different types of stims that an individual may use as a coping skill. When my son is feeling overwhelmed, he will get on his spin disc and spin in circles or ask for a tight pressure hug. Having these ways for my kids to regulate and express their emotions helps them to feel more self-confident and also helps with interpersonal and social relationships.

Here are some tips to help you and your child identify and express emotions.

Watch for facial expressions, behavior, and play. Our children may not have the words to express what they’re feeling, so those feelings may occur through other means. In the examples above, both of my children are not verbally expressing their emotion, but their body language is giving me the context clues. In order to be sure I am reading those context clues correctly, I will do a follow up with them. I will say, “Are you enjoying that show (video, book, etc.)?” or have them point to a feeling word that expresses how they are feeling. At times children will act out their feelings in play. Your child may be playing with dolls and acting out a “scene,” but it's really something they may be experiencing. When my children do this, I will play along with them and walk them through it. For example, if we are playing with dolls and my child is saying the other doll did something he didn’t like and hit the doll, I would model what we could do instead of hitting.

Watch how you express and react to emotion. Our children are constantly watching us and will imitate what they see. If I am demonstrating that certain feelings are not acceptable (frustration, anger, etc.), they can internalize that and begin to feel like they cannot express those emotions freely.

Educate your child about the different types of emotions and let them know that they can feel emotions in their body. I use feelings cards so they can look and identify with the feeling. I follow up by asking them where they feel that emotion in their body. For example, when I feel nervous I can feel flips in my stomach. For an example of how we use these feeling cards, check out the Autism: Connecting with Emotions Parenting Minutes video.

Encourage and support all forms of communication. Your child may not like to verbally express, but may like the use of visuals, journaling, drawing, etc.

Provide validation to their feelings and let them know that you hear them. Make it a practice to check in with them daily about their feelings. Conversation starters can include: What was your favorite part of your day? Did you have a least favorite part of your day? For older children, you can ask: What was a high moment for you today? What was a low moment for you today? Provide pictures or emotion cards for children to communicate their feelings, as needed.

As parents we need to take time out for ourselves and intentionally check in with our own emotions. Take a break and have some moments of silence to be alone with your thoughts and acknowledge your feelings. We can’t have the expectation for our kids to be able to process their emotions if we as parents are not processing our own. Using these skills and many others that work for you and your child can help everyone be better advocates for themselves.