How to Support Emotionally Sensitive Boys

A mom of a five-year-old boy shared her concerns about her son’s tendency to play alone and engage in a lot of quiet time activities. While his peers were enrolling in soccer programs and taking karate after school, her son preferred to stay close to home and do his own thing. She also worried that he seems to take everything very personally. One day, his close friend didn’t leave room for him at the lunch table. He cried after school that day.

It isn’t just school that affects her son. His mom finds that he feels criticized often. When she redirected him to focus on his chores (cleaning up his toys), he became tearful and worried that he had disappointed her.

Sensitive children tend to read emotions, facial expressions and voice tone better than other kids, and react accordingly. Where another child might simply continue to ignore the request until a parent completely loses patience, a sensitive child reads the reaction of the parent and internalizes those feelings.

Some children are highly sensitive to both their own feelings and the feelings of those around them. Some seem not to notice feelings much at all as they go about their days. And many fall somewhere in between.

Emotional sensitivity refers to the ease or difficulty with which children respond to various situations from an emotional perspective, and how they cope with them.

Your son might be emotionally sensitive if you notice the following:

• His emotional reactions seem disproportionate to the event/trigger.
• He notices details and can spot even small changes.
• He struggles with transitions.
• He is aware of other people’s discomfort and might even mirror it (crying when someone else cries).
• He startles if a voice is raised.
• He doesn’t enjoy large, loud gatherings.
• He takes a while to warm up.
• He has meltdowns with no known cause, particularly after school or after a busy day.
• He prefers routine.
• He can be perfectionistic at times and has difficulty when things don’t go as planned or when he makes mistakes.
• He displays a lot of emotion.

Societal pressure expects boys to be emotionally resilient and avoid expression of feelings. Boys hear this message from a variety of sources, and often learn to stuff their emotions and downplay their reactions. This tough-it-out culture can be challenging for anyone, but particularly emotionally sensitive boys.

There are steps parents can take to help sensitive boys feel heard and understood while building coping skills and resilience:

The preschool or school day can feel long for emotionally sensitive boys. Even under the best circumstances, the day can be loud, busy, and involve a lot of moving around. Home is the safe space for these kids.

Emotionally sensitive boys are quick to pick up on the stress in the room and are likely to have big reactions to sibling arguments. To that end, it’s important to build a family culture where conflict is mitigated using problem solving skills:

• Practice working through disagreements using role play.
• Brainstorm ways to solve a problem together.
• Encourage family members to build each other up, not compete.
• Create a stress-free zone complete with art supplies, books, music, Play Doh and other calming activities.
• Factor in plenty of downtime and family playtime to reconnect.

If you swoop in to help each time your emotionally sensitive boy stumbles, he won’t learn how to cope with his big feelings when he’s out in the world. If you help build a coping toolkit, however, he will know exactly what to do when he feels overwhelmed with emotion.

• Teach deep breathing. When kids learn the art of proper deep breathing (in for four, hold for four, out for four — it can help to visualize something calming when doing this), they learn to calm their nervous systems.
• Practice mindful thoughts. Teach your son to notice three things he can see, three things he can hear, three things he can smell, and three things he can feel when he’s upset. This will help him stay grounded in the present.
• Create a worry/feelings box. Have your son decorate a small box and use it to put away his big feelings at night by writing (or drawing) them on slips of paper.
• Color your world. Encourage your son to get his feelings (positive and negative) out each day by coloring a paper with different colors to represent how he felt throughout the day (yellow for happy, green for calm, red for frustrated, etc.).

Emotionally sensitive boys are likely to have big reactions to changes in voice tone or feedback that might be interpreted as critical, but that doesn’t mean that parents should avoid giving them feedback when they push boundaries or make mistakes.

To help sensitive boys thrive, it’s important to set clear and consistent boundaries and expectations. When something changes (like the daily schedule or how the family will handle chores, for example) provide plenty of warning. Knowing what to expect and being able to count on consistency helps sensitive boys feel safe and secure.

All kids make mistakes and push boundaries at times. That’s a healthy part of growing up. Take a gentle but clear approach to intervening when your sensitive boy makes an error, complete with a discussion about how to change the outcome or resolve the issue.

You can expect your emotionally sensitive boy to feel overwhelmed at times, and that can mean big meltdowns when the going gets tough. Stay calm. Your son counts on you to help him through these emotionally taxing experiences by using a calm voice and providing unconditional love and support.