How to Support Your Highly Sensitive Child

My son is 8 years old and is a sensitive child. He can smell my cooking and know exactly what it is. He can hear a character’s voice in a movie and know what other movies he has heard that same voice. He will notice when I have a new outfit, if we change something in the house, and keenly picks up on the emotions of others. As young as an infant, his child care providers loved it when he arrived because he gave the warmest hugs. He gives amazing compliments because he notices the smallest details. Ever since he was 3, he would listen to a song and ask what it was about, then think about how it applies to his life. He is deep… deep, I tell you!

However, the very things that make him so uniquely special also cause him a great deal of distress. If he perceives feeling left out of a game or a conversation, he takes it very personally. It can be a struggle.

Similar to my son, one in five children has a highly sensitive temperament. A highly sensitive person is very in tune with their environment. They are often deeply empathic, intuitive, and good at reading others. They are highly observant, thoughtful, and intentional. They think about, process, and feel things deeply.

Highly sensitive children also may become overstimulated by their environment or by having a busy schedule. Strong smells, textures, or intense individuals can be overwhelming. Time constraints and transitions can feel pressuring or difficult. They also feel body sensations at a deeper level and may make complaints about body aches and pains. As you can imagine, feeling all the feelings at once both outside and inside the body can lead to meltdowns as the body attempts to balance itself out.

Highly sensitive children are amazing when we can fully understand their temperament. Here are some common traits:

• Empathy. Because they are empathic, they tend to be great friends. Why? They are in tune with the needs of others, those subtle, unspoken needs that others cannot see. They pick up on the nonverbal cues and changes in a person’s tone when speaking. Because of this, they are highly attuned listeners. On the flip side, they will also be more sensitive to your overly harsh tone or overcorrection. This may lead to feelings of rejection or not feeling good enough.
• Attentive and thoughtful. Because they are highly observant, they notice changes in their environment and in the individuals around them. For these reasons, your highly sensitive child may compliment you on something no one else in your home noticed. On the flip slide, they may hyperfocus on a detail in an attempt to get it just right, which may lead to perfectionistic thinking.
• Inquisitive. Because they are curious about others and their surroundings, they can be amazing conversationalists, have varied interests, and are curious students. On the flip side, they can need a great deal of your time and attention. Parents may feel like all the time they spend is never enough for their highly sensitive child.
• Creative. Because of their appreciation for beauty, highly sensitive kids love activities where they can tap into their creative side. Activities such as art, music, dancing, video editing, design, and fashion may be areas they show an interest. On the flip side, they may have little interest in exploring things where they perceive they may not be good at right away. They may shy away from activities if they sense it may be too big of a challenge for them or if they sense the risk of failure is too great.

Here are seven ways you can support and nurture your highly sensitive child:

1. Educate your child on their temperament. Start the conversation from a strengths-based perspective. Discuss how their temperament is truly a superpower.
2. Seek out support for yourself. If you are also a highly sensitive adult, you might be overly attuned to your child’s emotional needs. You might want to meet their needs and protect them from harm in the same way you wished others did for you when you were a child. This will burn you out. It will also prevent your child from developing their own way in handling tough situations. If you are not a highly sensitive person, you might feel frustrated and challenged to understand your child’s struggles and perspective. Seeking out support from a trusted friend or professional can be very helpful.
3. Build them up. You might have heard from family and friends to “toughen them up.” This, in fact, doesn’t work. Being overly hard on a highly sensitive child actually creates the opposite effect. It tears them down, leads to them second-guessing their decisions, causes them to feel overly sensitive to criticism, and can lead to anxiety or depression.
4. Create a supportive friend network. Your child will value friends who value them too. Since they are naturally empathic individuals, having shallow conversations with friends who come and go is not what they are looking for. Deep and meaningful connections will fill their tank.
5. Involve them in meaningful activities. Activities that tap into their creative side will typically be of interest to them. If they are also introverted, it may be more challenging for them to take that step. Staying caught up in that which is most familiar will be easier for them to do than taking risks. Encourage them along the way. Start slow and then challenge them to step outside their comfort zone.
6. Be collaborative. Engage your child’s teachers, coaches, babysitters, and family members in understanding your child’s temperament. A gentle, but firm and collaborative problem-solving approach is best for these children.
7. Consider quiet spaces. Since these children have brains and bodies that are so in tune with their environment, they often feel overwhelmed when overly busy. Creating time to unwind from their day and having a quiet space to read, play, and do homework allows their brain to reset.

If you are interested in learning more about the unique parenting approach for your highly sensitive child, check out “Parenting the Highly Sensitive Child.”