Making Father's Day About Real Fatherhood

My daughter, who is “four and three fifths” — we decided if she was going to do fractions we should be accurate about it — was recently asking me why Father’s Day is “so much littler than Mother’s Day.” I paused.

As she so often does, she did the speaking for me: “Did I even make you a Father’s Day present before? Why not?”

“I can’t remember,” I said. She didn’t either. But she did remember the various gifts she’d made for my wife. She sighed and said, “Father’s Day is… not a big day. Not like Mother’s Day.”

It’s hard to argue:

• 113 million Mother’s Day cards are exchanged each year, compared to 72 million Father’s Day cards.
• Mother’s Day is during the academic year when gifts are made in schools; Father’s Day is typically at the beginning of summer break.
• When I’m in public with my kids on Mother’s Day I’m commended for “giving mom time to herself.” When we’re out on Father’s Day, I’m often treated as a hero.

It may feel like us fathers are getting the short end of the stick, but it’s complicated. We’re celebrated every day. I’ve been blessed by perfect strangers for caring for two kids at once and for changing a diaper. The fact that my wife is never called “supermom” in public makes it clear: we live in a society that still expects women to bear the responsibilities of child-rearing. Mothers are caretakers, fathers are providers.

However, Father’s Day is still a day of love, joy and a celebration of what it means to be a father. How best can we celebrate fathers and honor all caregivers?

For many, the joy of Father’s Day comes when fatherhood is celebrated genuinely. Honor the work of being a dad, the important roles that we play, and tell the stories of fatherhood in your family. Tell sons and dads and brothers you love them, be vulnerable and show affection. Share examples of fathers who go against stereotypes to care for kids, do emotional labor, and advocate for inclusivity, feminism and equality. Actively counter the “babysitting dad” stereotype. Respect the fact for those with complex relationships with fatherhood, it may be a difficult day. Ask yourself: What do you want fatherhood to be?

Kids are observant, and they wonder about gender differences from a very early age as they develop their own gender identities. Fathers take on all sorts of roles, including primary — or only — caregivers, but moms still stay at home far more. Be honest about the fact that women comprise the vast majority of teachers, daycare providers and other jobs that involve children. Father’s Day can be a time to celebrate dads while recognizing that women are expected to do more with a fraction of the recognition.

In addition to being honest about expectations placed on men and women, showing truly equal parenting can help tell a child a new story. Fathers who clean, pack lunches, cuddle their kids through nightmares and hold an emotional stake in parenting show their kids they value work that has traditionally been viewed as female. Maybe even on Father’s Day.

Father’s Day is modeled after Mother’s Day, so they share some issues: commercialization, the “one-and-done” disappointment of being celebrated for just a day, and a lack of acknowledgment that parenting is hard. It’s beautiful but it’s also messy, and when we include and honor mothers in our celebration, we show that we share this gorgeous chaos that is raising kids. Thank a mother, a grandmother, a sister, and other women whose actions have partnered with yours.

Fathers and mothers are not the only people raising children. A true celebration of fatherhood isn’t complete without acknowledgment that it’s one type of parenting among many, and that all family structures are valid and beautiful. We can celebrate what it means to be a father while, at the same time, lifting up grandparents, aunts and uncles, foster parents, siblings, trans and gender-nonconforming parents, and all the people who raise the children in our world. If we’ve gotten the short end of the stick, let’s raise up the others who’ve gotten even less recognition than us.

Since becoming a dad myself, Father’s Day has meant more and more as my kids have gotten old enough to scribble on a cut-out heart and tape it onto a piece of paper that says “papa” on it. But to really make Father’s Day be about fatherhood, I’ve needed to think about what that actually means and looks like. Fathers have depended on mothers and other caregivers for a long time; recognizing everyone who do so much of the work of raising kids can easily be a part of our own celebration.