Setting Up a Healthy Media Relationship With Your Child

An episode of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood sadly comes to an end on screen. I look at my son, hand him the remote control, and say, “It’s time for lunch, please turn off the TV. We’ll be sure to watch more shows after naptime,” followed by an encouraging thumbs up that he in fact can turn off the TV even though it’s tough. He dawdles for another minute, then, as slow as a sloth, he presses the off button squeezing every last nanosecond out of the experience. Just this step has taken tons of practice, and of course it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes my son needs a friendly reminder and help to follow through, just as we all do!

Navigating technology in our homes has certainly become more interesting during the COVID-19 pandemic (insert deep breath and sigh). Our work and play, as my son’s school likes to call, has been altered along with our relationship with technology.

I remember glancing at the remote control one morning, early in the pandemic and our new work and learn at home situation, thinking, “Do I want to be in a daily battle over technology, or is this an opportunity to create a healthy relationship with it? How can I partner with my son to have technology be a part of his life, yet not take it over?”

Here are some ideas based on what I decided to do and why I chose to give my 4-year-old son control over the remote.

Ask your child questions about their favorite shows and games. “What do you like about watching Curious George?” “What about the game feels exciting?” “What’s it like to play on your tablet?” Their answers offer clues about what’s important to them and what needs technology may be meeting, such as relaxation, connecting with friends, or avoiding challenging things.

Notice what technology habits you’re modeling. Do you take technology breaks during your day, or is the phone always by your side? Check in with yourself and perhaps pick one small thing you’d like to change. Model the relationship you’d like your child to have with technology.

It’s tough for young children to grasp, “You already watched your shows earlier today.” It leaves them hanging and wanting more. They live in the here and now. Creating a picture schedule so your child can see exactly when they can watch TV plus anchoring screen time to familiar activities can help orient them, such as “You can watch a show before lunch.”

Start and end the day technology-free. A dose of human-to-human connection first thing in the morning and at bedtime can help soothe and ease your child’s brain and body. Think about when technology works best for your child. For example, some children like to rest and relax after waking up from a nap while others prefer movement and play.

When your child is watching a show, join them and express curiosity about what’s happening or sit next to them quietly. Joining and watching together is impactful because:

• You’re showing interest in what they care about,
• It helps their brain and body not get too over or under stimulated, which can make transitioning off electronics smoother, and
• You can monitor what your child’s watching and how it impacts them.

So when your child asks you questions about what they’ve seen, you can help them process things.

Some of our parent language creates more tension, which can lead to children clinging to technology. Shift your mindset from “No more” and “That’s enough” to “Here’s when it’s available next,” such as:

• Instead of “No more shows after this one,” try “Enjoy your last show, you can watch more after dinner.”
• Instead of “Don’t ask me for any more computer time,” try “The next time you can hop on the computer is…”

Show your child how to turn electronics on and off and store them safely. This will take practice, and it will be well worth it. Allowing your child to take ownership can build mutual trust, healthy independence, and lead to less arguments. Encourage them to look at their daily schedule when they ask, “When can I watch more shows?” Reassure them their technology is valued and will be protected. If you adopt a neutral, matter-of fact relationship with technology, then your child will too.