Solving Sleep Problems: Tips for Helping Your Child Become a Good Sleeper

Sleep challenges come in all shapes and sizes. And, like most childrearing challenges, a one-size-fits-all approach to helping children become good sleepers does not exist. Every child and family is different. The underlying cause of the trouble can vary significantly. One child struggles with separation anxiety, another tests limits, another doesn’t know how to fall asleep on his own.

Having a set of guiding principles can help as you develop your own path to help you and your child get a good night’s sleep. These are not solutions to specific sleep challenges, but rather overarching strategies and mindset shifts that empower you to come up with an approach that meets your specific needs.

Sleep is just another limit in a long list of limits you will have to set to help your child thrive. It’s helpful to keep this in mind because, if your child is like most, he will not go down without a fight. In order to set and enforce the clear limits kids need to learn to sleep independently, you will need to keep reminding yourself that limits are loving, even in the face of your child’s objections.

Learning to sleep independently is a skill. Learning any new skill entails some period of discomfort. None of us would have learned to ride a bike if our parents hadn’t allowed us to experience the wobbling (and occasional fall) that leads to balancing on our own. The same is true when it comes to sleep. The best way for your child to master sleeping independently and manage stress is by working through it and learning that he can soothe himself without a parent coming to comfort him. This is what we consider “positive” stress — discomfort that isn’t harmful, but leads to growth.

The power of routine. A bedtime routine can ease your child's nighttime stress and help him trust know what's going to come next. Walking through the same actions every night - such as taking a bath, reading a story, and singing a bedtime song from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood - is a sign to your child that everything is okay and he is safe. Having a routine helps your child wind down in order to get his mind and body ready for sleep.

It’s all about associations. In order to make sense of this big, complex world, children are constantly trying to put two and two together. When it comes to going to sleep, if your child associates sleep with being held, rocked or lying next to someone, he comes to depend on these experiences to doze off. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, he will need the support he’s used to in order to fall back to sleep. Changing these associations means going through a period of discomfort until your child learns he will be okay and can fall asleep on his own.

Less is more. When devising a sleep strategy, keep in mind that the more you emotionally and physically engage with your child after lights out, the harder it will be for him to get back to a calm place. Interaction equals stimulation, which makes it harder for children to get back to sleep. Instead of making physical contact by holding or rocking your child, peek into the room to whisper a loving mantra to him from the doorway (“Goodnight, sleep tight, everything is alright, I love you”) and then leave. It will feel awful when he starts crying out for you to come back — how could it not? This is when you’ll have to keep reminding yourself that while he wants connection with you, engagement is not helping him adapt to the fact that nighttime is for sleep, not interaction.

Be sure that the plan you come up with is one you can realistically implement. There is no right or wrong plan. Some parents decide going cold turkey is the best approach. They say goodnight, put up a gate, so their child cannot come out of the room, and don’t come back until morning no matter how much their child protests. Others decide to take a more incremental approach, such as sitting by the child’s bed and moving the chair further back each night until they’re out of the room. Whatever you decide, it’s important that you can enforce the limits you are setting. For example, telling a child to stay in his room is useless because you can’t actually make him do that. That is where a gate or monkey lock can be very useful. While creating boundaries may feel uncomfortable, it is much more loving than engaging in the tug of war that can take place when children repeatedly come out of their rooms after bedtime.

It’s all in the execution. When your child knows you aren’t afraid of him melting down, it diffuses the power of the protest. Explain calmly and matter-of-factly: “The rule at bedtime is you stay in your room so you sleep. If you choose to come out, we will bring you back and put up the gate to help you stay in your room.” It is important and helpful to acknowledge you understand that he may not like the new rule and you don’t expect him to. You’re setting this limit because it’s your job as a parent to keep him healthy and safe.

Let your child know exactly what the plan will be. Children thrive when they know what to expect. Devise a plan that you feel is loving and appropriate, and that you can follow through on no matter how much pushback you get. Then, clearly lay it out for your child. If/when he protests any part of the plan, reiterate that you understand how he feels, but you will still be following through on it. Expect that it will get worse before it gets better. Many kids up the ante to see if their parents are really going to stick to the limits. Once they see that you are not changing your mind, the adaptation and coping begins.

Whatever plan you come up with, what’s most important is that you are loving, clear and consistent. Take the time you need to develop a plan that you feel you can successfully put into place.