Talking with Preschoolers About the Death of a Pet

Our beloved dog, Sasha, was not herself. Part Malamute, she was never a fan of summer weather but that particular July, we could barely get her out for a walk. Then one day, in the midst of a belly-scratch, my husband found a lump in her armpit. It turned out to be advanced cancer, and she died a few weeks later. With two small children in the house (ages four and seven), we struggled with how to talk about Sasha’s illness and death in ways that were truthful, but not scary. Here are some hints that can help.

Match your information about death to your child’s development. Babies and toddlers do not understand death, but they can sense your feelings as young as three months old. If you are sad and grieving, they will feel out of sorts as well. Toddlers who loved cuddling with a favorite dog or cat will notice its absence and may ask about where it’s gone, but not understand that death is permanent.

Preschoolers understand that death changes someone or something, but also struggle with the idea that death is permanent. (Think about the cartoons that show characters leaping up after being run over by a train!) Because preschoolers take your words at face value, it’s important to use simple, accurate language: “Sasha’s heart stopped beating. Her body didn’t work anymore and she died. That means we will not see her or pet her again.”

Let your child know it’s okay to be sad. Depending on their age and temperament, some children may show deep sadness over the loss of a pet while others may not seem to be very affected. Both are normal responses. Let your child know that his feelings are okay and offer ways to cope: “You’re sad that Sasha died. I’m sad too. Would you like to cuddle with me and read a story? Do you think that might help you with your sadness?”

Avoid using phrases like the dog “passed away,” “got a really bad owie,” “went to Heaven” or “has gone to sleep and won’t wake up.” Children’s thinking in the first five years is very simple and direct. They can’t yet understand these sayings. They may develop fears of getting normal bumps and “owies,” or become frightened of trips and traveling, or falling asleep. Telling a child that their pet is “watching over them” may also be confusing. They may wonder, from where? Is my pet hiding in the house?

Provide just enough answers to children’s questions. It’s likely your older preschooler may ask a question like, “So where did Sasha go when she died?” We decided to go with a very simple, medical answer to help the kids understand: “Sasha’s body doesn’t work anymore. Her heart doesn’t beat. Her eyes don’t open. She cannot run and bark anymore. The vet has her body now and will keep it safe.” We worried the kids would ask follow-up questions (Where is it? Can we visit?), but they didn’t. Our answer was just enough.

Be a role model for managing emotions. Explain your own grief. You may be sad too! It’s okay to cry or feel sad, but explain why to your child: “I’m crying because I’m sad that Sasha died.” If parents don’t provide explanations, children may guess (wrong!) about why we’re upset. Daniel Tiger and his dad also model talking about the death of his pet fish in this clip from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.

Be prepared to talk about your pet’s death for a while. My son, who was only four when Sasha died, asked me to “tell the story of how Sasha’s heart stopped” frequently over the next six months. At first, it felt, well, a little creepy and uncomfortable. But over time, I realized that hearing this explanation again and again helped him understand what it meant for Sasha to die.

If you’re hearing similar requests (driving in traffic when your preschooler yells from the backseat, “Remember when Sasha died?”), try to be patient and compassionate. Provide clear, consistent explanations… again. Share great memories of your pet as well — celebrating her life is a great way to manage grief. You can also post photos or ask your preschooler to draw a picture of your pet as a remembrance. And if your family holds strong religious beliefs, offering these can be comforting — though keep in mind that young children may need more concrete explanations in order to understand.

Don’t freak out if your child’s “play” includes themes of dying. You may see your child acting out your pet’s death in their play — pretending, for example, that their teddy bear died. The son of a friend asked for a cat costume for Halloween so he could go as his pet cat that had died a few months earlier. Play tells us what children are thinking about. These examples are normal, short-term responses to the death of a much-loved pet.

When to worry? Reach out to your health care provider if your child appears to be particularly upset by the loss, talks about or acts out the pet’s death repeatedly, or reports physical symptoms like stomach aches or headaches. Some short-term support may help your child with grieving.

And be ready for, “When can we get another dog/cat/etc.?” One of the greatest gifts we give children with a pet is the experience of loving another being. While we grieve a pet’s loss, our children also quite naturally seek that love again, even when it seems a little too soon for us . The timetable will be different for each family, and it’s ok to say, “Not yet.” (About five months after Sasha died, we welcomed Lila, a gentle German Shepherd to our family.)

Looking for age-appropriate books to share about losing a pet? Check out ZERO TO THREE’s booklist on grieving and loss for young children.