“Thanks, daughter. This is helping.”: A Mother’s Day Reflection on Being Present

“Thanks, Mom. This is helping.”

I was holding my daughter in my lap one particularly challenging afternoon. She was tired and not feeling well. Finally, on the verge of tears, she asked me to hold her and so I did. We held one another and slowly rocked back and forth.

After about 10 minutes, my anxiety started to rise as I thought about all of the other things I could or should be doing in that quiet moment. I instinctively looked around for my phone to check email and felt disappointed when I saw it was just out of my reach.

As I started turning my body in the direction of my phone, my daughter let out a sigh. “Thanks, Mom. This is helping.”

With her words, my daughter reminded me to stay where I was — that I was exactly where I should be. And so we continued holding one another. Taking a deep breath, I put my anxiety aside and reminded myself how important it was to be there — not just for her, but for me too.

As a parent, there have been countless moments with my daughter, like this one, that have taught me the importance of being present. Reminding ourselves to focus on our children when we have time together, rather than letting other distractions creep in, is a challenge, especially given the number of demands parents have on their time and the technology that allows us to stay connected with work or social media any time, any place.

When we set aside distractions and give children our full attention, it allows us to:

• Feel connected with our children and build a trusting, caring bond,
• Get to know our children’s emotion cues and respond to those cues sensitively,
• Keep up with our children’s interests as they grow and change,
• Build our children’s vocabulary so that they have the words they need to express themselves and their feelings,
• Help our children learn important skills like how to pay attention, hold a conversation and take turns, and
• Teach our children how to value relationships.

Importantly, the time we spend with our children and the relationships that result, show them how to treat others and how they should expect to be treated. In honor of Mother’s Day, here are a few strategies for turning everyday moments with our children into quality time.

Get creative about quality time. Quality time can be planned or unplanned, for a long period of time or just a few minutes, in the car or in the bath. During moments with your child, show them that you are focused on them. Make eye contact and practice taking turns in your conversation, even if your child is pre-verbal or nonverbal. Make space for their babbles and coos as well as quiet time to just be together.

Spend time doing things your child enjoys. For some children, this might include quiet activities like snuggling and cuddling, reading or working on art activities. For others, it might include more active pursuits like playing at the park or exploring. Follow your child’s lead and show them that you value them by spending time doing the things they like to do.

Let your inner voice come out. When spending time with your children, share your thoughts out loud. This helps children learn that you have feelings too and shapes their critical thinking skills. Practicing this strategy can help you be more intentional about the words and actions you choose as you strive to be the role model you want to be for your children.

Recognize that quality time happens during tough moments too. Showing children that you are there to listen and offer support when they are experiencing challenging emotions is just as important as during moments when everyone is happy and getting along. During challenging moments, stay calm and show your child that you are there to support them no matter what.

Recognize that being present all the time is hard. When you find yourself struggling to focus on your child, share those struggles out loud. “I really want to play right now, but I’m worrying about all the work I need to do later. Do you have any ideas for what I could do to feel less worried?” Modeling your own challenges with your child and involving them in problem solving not only helps you in the moment, but gives children strategies they can use if they have those same feelings later on.

Take quality time for yourself too. Finding time to take care of yourself is a challenge most parents face. Look for big and little ways to meet your own needs whether that means getting a little more sleep, taking deep breaths throughout the day, or spending a few extra minutes in the shower. Most parents find it’s easier to be present when their needs are met too.

As my daughter gets older, I realize that she will turn to me less and less often to comfort her through holding and rocking. And that’s how it should be as she learns skills and strategies to manage her feelings in other ways, builds meaningful friendships and eventually creates her own family.

For now, I strive to make the most of the time we have together. In the moments when we hold each other tightly, I try to stay where I am and remind myself how fortunate I am to be there. I often think to myself, “Thanks, daughter. This is helping.”