What to Say When Your Child Feels Disappointed

When we’re young, disappointments might start small. (Have you ever eaten your ice cream too slow and come to regret it?) Disappointment can happen on any day for a variety of reasons. A child might be disappointed about not getting a favorite snack or about missing out on play time with a friend. But learning to cope with those little disappointments builds resilience, and can help children tackle future problems and let downs with confidence.

We can help our children practice handling disappointment by simply asking questions, sharing our experiences, and talking about what we can do when we feel mad, sad, or angry. Here are a few tips for helping your child work through disappointment, based on an episode of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.

In the episode “Daniel’s Birthday,” Daniel is disappointed when his birthday cake gets smooshed. Mom and Dad Tiger teach Daniel the “Turn It Around” strategy song (“When something seems bad, turn it around and find something good”). And while Daniel is still sad about his cake, he realizes that a messy cake tastes good anyway! Use Daniel’s example to talk to your child about what to do when they feel disappointed. (“Daniel learned that even when the cake is smooshed, it still tastes good. Let’s go back to what you were disappointed about. Can you think of something good that you learned?”)

It helps us all to know that others understand our emotions — and older children in particular might feel better hearing that Mom, Dad, grandparents, aunts, and uncles feel disappointed sometimes, too. Share your disappointing moments, and talk about how you eventually felt better. (“Let’s call Aunt Misha. She found a hole in her very favorite shirt yesterday and she was so disappointed. I bet she has good advice for us. We can ask her if she feels better today.”)

Encourage your child to tell you about a time when they hoped something would happen and then felt sad or mad when it didn’t. Be sure to listen until they are done talking and let them know that you hear what they are saying. Keep in mind that sometimes children might say something that makes you feel upset or hurt. Let your child know that it’s okay to tell you anyway, because it could help you learn and grow. (“Did you ever really wish for something to happen and then it didn’t happen? What did you wish for? How did you feel when it didn’t happen? Angry? Sad? Mad? Maybe the feeling you were having was disappointment. That’s how Daniel Tiger felt when his birthday cake was smooshed!”)

Learning to cope with disappointment takes time. There will always be moments when children feel sad, mad, or angry when something doesn’t go the way they wanted. That’s okay! What’s important is to remind children that disappointment is normal, that everyone feels disappointed sometimes, and that together we can get through it.