When Your Family Includes an Imaginary Friend

If your family includes an imaginary friend, you are in good company — in more way than one. Nearly half of young children in the U.S. have an imaginary companion, and many children in other countries do, too. For example, in Japan, although invisible friends are rare, lots of children create personalities for their stuffed animals and toys. And a recent study of parents in the United Kingdom found that there are at least a million imaginary companions roaming that country’s streets and hanging out in bedrooms!

So what should you do if your child mentions an imaginary friend? The short answer is: encourage it. But sometimes these friends bring up complicated situations. Here are some insights from the experts about how to handle them.

Imaginary friends fill a lot of roles in children’s lives, and one of them is to help children work through behaviors. For example, one in five parents in the U.K. study reported that their child blamed misbehavior on their imaginary friend, and one in twenty heard their child say the imaginary friend made her do it.

This is not cause for alarm, according to psychologist Tracy Gleason, who studies imaginary friends, but was not involved in the study. She says that when children know they shouldn’t be doing something, they often try to distance themselves from the behavior. They’re actually showing that they understand right from wrong, even if they can’t resist the impulse to misbehave.

That doesn’t mean you should go along with the excuse, she’s quick to point out. Children usually know their imaginary friend is not real, and you can remind them that invisible people cannot draw on walls with real crayons. Gleason also says you can use this as a teaching moment by “empowering your child to be the one in control of the situation. For example, you can say, “Please remind Monkey that we draw on paper, not on walls,” or “Tell Monkey, no, that’s not okay, I won’t do that.” She says this is a great way for kids to practice self-control, because young children can hold others accountable for rules before they can internalize and follow them. (That’s one of the reasons young children tattle so often.)

Some imaginary friends never misbehave. And some even encourage positive behavior. One parent in the survey mentioned above reported that her daughter’s imaginary friend reminded her to cross roads safely and another said the imaginary friend watched over her at night. It’s also common for children to take the protector or teacher role for their imaginary friends, especially girls, the study found. That can be good practice for acting as a kind and caring friend or sibling. You can reinforce these messages when your child is interacting with friends and family members, knowing that you are building on a foundation that’s already being built. And you can remind your child to cross the street only at crosswalks and after looking both ways, “just like your friend Ella Elephant reminded us.”

Gleason fields a lot of questions from parents whose children report the death of an imaginary friend. Don’t worry, she says, this is usually a normal part of figuring out what death means. And sometimes it simply means the child is ready to move on from the friend. But most imaginary companions simply fade away over time. That may be sad for us grown-ups (surely I was not the only one who cried during the movie Inside Out when the imaginary friend Bing Bong was lost from the main character’s memory?). But children tend to hold onto their companions as long as they need to.

Similarly, if your child is having a social struggle with an imaginary friend — say, the friend is too busy to play with him or is hogging all the toys — it’s usually a safe way for your child to figure out these situations. You or your child’s older siblings can help out by modeling how to express feelings, share and engage in other socially appropriate behaviors.

Studies suggest there are benefits to having imaginary companions – for example, children who have them tend to be very social and creative, as I have written about before. In the U.K. study, 75% of parents whose children had one said the companion had made their child more creative. And other studies show there is no increase in mental health problems, social skills problems, or loneliness among children who have imaginary companions.

This doesn’t mean you should try to introduce an imaginary friend to your child; just be open to them and try not to be discouraging if your child tells you his friend has an invisible sloth for a buddy. The study mentioned above suggests that many parents might be discouraging their children’s imaginations, because they don’t realize the benefits. Among parents whose child didn’t have an imaginary friend (or didn’t know about it), half said they’d be concerned if their child introduced one. But all parents should rest assured that an imaginary friend is not an indicator of a problem.

Make sure your child has plenty of time for pretend play — whether or not this includes an imaginary friend — because studies show this is important for children’s development. Many children simply aren’t getting enough time to use their imaginations and create their own play. According to the new study, young children (ages one to four) who spent more than two hours per day in front of a TV or other screen were 3.5 times less likely to have an imaginary friend than those who had less than one hour of screen time. If kids don’t have the time or mental space to create imaginary friends, what other creative opportunities might they be missing — drawing, fort-making, stories?

That might worry Daniel Tiger, whose TV show and games remind children that pretending can help them wait, develop social skills and have fun anywhere. And he might remind parents that a friend like Tigey is a good friend to have — even if he is, technically speaking, imaginary.