Why and How to Talk to Your Child About Racism

Some parents worry about exposing their children to issues like racism and discrimination too early. However, the science is clear that the earlier parents start the conversation with their children the better.

Your child will learn and hear about race and racism whether or not you expose them to these topics. Babies have the ability to recognize racial differences from as early as 3 months. Research has also shown that preschool- and elementary- aged children can show biases for or against different race groups. So despite the saying “children don’t see color,” they actually do see skin color, just like they see other physical characteristics such as height, weight, and hair color.

Children learn to assign value to skin color and physical attributes by internalizing the messages received by their family, media programming and/or wider surroundings in their community. When parents stay silent, children may get the message that race and racism are unimportant. Children need to recognize that there is a long and hurtful history of people being treated differently because of their skin color, and that this is especially true for Black people. Children also need to recognize that racism is not a thing of the past, but a real and present danger to people of color.

Some parents have reservations talking about race and racism because they feel they may not fully understand the topic themselves. For parents to effectively talk with their children, they need to first educate themselves on what racism is — it is using race to create and support beliefs and systems that discriminate against some people and give privileges to other people. Racism comes in several forms including:

• Institutionalized Racism: Existence of unfair policies and practices across various systems (such as housing, banking, education, criminal justice, healthcare) that routinely provide unequal access to goods, services and opportunities for people of color and advantages for white people.
• Interpersonal Racism: Intentional or unintentional behaviors that result in the mistreatment of people of color due to racial prejudice.
• Cultural Racism: Representations and messages that behaviors and values associated with whiteness are “better” or “normal” compared to those associated with other racial groups.

There is no perfect way to talk to your child about race and racism. Because these topics are complex issues that can be hard for younger children to grasp, parents should speak in simple terms and use age-appropriate language. As young children learn about right and wrong, they also learn about fairness and develop the ability to recognize when being unfair is hurtful.

If parents want to address something that’s happened in the news, they should be honest about what happened without overwhelming their child with too much information. “George Floyd was a Black man who was killed by someone who was supposed to protect him. It’s unfair that sometimes the people who are supposed to keep us safe, don’t do a fair job of keeping everyone safe. That’s why not all people may feel safe calling the police for help.”

It’s also important to acknowledge white privilege — the advantages enjoyed by white people, though not acquired through their own actions and often at the expense of people of color. Parents should share that white privilege doesn’t mean white families do not experience struggles in life. Instead, white privilege means that white people do not struggle with being treated unfairly because of their race or skin color. An example of an opportunity to point to white privilege might be adding to a news story on police violence against Black Americans, the ways in which white people have received fairer treatment by law enforcement.

And these conversations are influenced by a family’s racial/ethnic makeup, socioeconomic class, or neighborhood.

For white families, conversations about race and racism may not come up naturally. These discussions may be uncomfortable because they require white people to acknowledge they are advantaged by a system that simultaneously disadvantages people of color. However, white parents must show their child it is important to discuss race, racism, and white privilege by starting the conversation and acknowledging racial injustice. “In the past, certain opportunities were only created for white people (like us) and this was unfair to people who were not white. This is called racism. There are still a lot of unfair things that happen to people because of their skin color.”

Rather than focusing solely on what to say to their child about racism, white parents should also think more critically and carefully about how what they do on an everyday basis may reproduce the very racist ideas and beliefs they seek to challenge. Everyday behaviors such as reactions to news headlines, responses to overly racist remarks made by family members, and where leisure time is spent (in racially diverse or predominantly white spaces) matter.

Children of color may learn about race and racism by confronting racism in their everyday lives. This often makes conversations about race painful for families of color because they involve explaining to children they may be more likely to be hurt or treated unfairly by certain people because of their skin color. Families of color should provide ways for their children to stay safe when interacting with an authority figure, how to cope when they feel they are being treated unfairly, and promote positive racial identity.

For any parent, it’s okay not to have all the answers to your child’s questions. If you don't know how to answer something, be honest and say so. Tell your child that you'll try to find out the answer and then share findings.

Ultimately, it is important for parents to consistently discuss race and racism as children mature and develop the cognitive ability to better process and help dismantle racial injustices — because building an anti-racist society depends on it.