Why Kids Fall Apart After School and How to Help

Shira and Jed get reports from school that their 4-year-old, Eva, is a superstar in the classroom. She is cooperative, empathetic, and a great helper. She is kind to her friends and is good at sharing. However, Eva’s self-control seems to run out when she gets home, ignoring her parents’ requests and having meltdowns.

This experience of kids being well-behaved at school and showing more difficult behavior at home is actually very common. While it feels confusing, it can help to look at things through your child’s eyes. Here are some ways to think about what your child is experiencing and how to help.

School is stressful. But it’s positive stress! Think of all the tasks and new skills children do during the school day: follow directions, handle transitions, deal with frustrations and disappointments (like when Daniel Tiger didn’t get to be the line leader!). This is a lot to manage for a young child whose brain is in the early stages of development. By the time they get home, they are exhausted and have little energy left to self-regulate. Plus, this year there is the COVID-19 effect. Returning to school after such a long hiatus and after so much change has made this transition back to school tough for many kids. The energy it has taken for them to make yet another big transition is bound to put them over the edge at home.

School tends to be more structured than home. In order to run a safe and calm classroom, teachers have many rules and boundaries. This lets the kids know exactly what to expect: enter class, put a backpack in cubby, sit in a circle, put the blocks in size order on the shelf, stop playing when the lights go on and off… and so on. The expectations are clear and children know what to expect, which is comforting to children and helps them prepare for following the rules.

Young children know home is their safest place. Many of us are our best selves at work. We manage our emotions, we are cooperative, and we communicate with respect. Then we get home and dump all of our stress onto the people we care about and love the most. While this may not be healthy, and something many of us need to work on, we feel free to do this because we know our family will accept us and be there for us. The same is true for kids. Home is their safe space. It is because they trust you that they are free to fall apart with family.

Young children are testing out different roles. Because home is their safe space, it is also where kids are able to express themselves in ways they may not feel comfortable doing at school. Take 5-year-old Junie, who is very obedient at school. She puts others’ needs ahead of her own. At home, Junie feels freer to test out her power, to be more assertive. It may be in ways that are not acceptable, like demanding that her mom only read to her and not her little sister, but that’s where setting loving limits come in.

Don’t take it personally. Your child isn’t being defiant on purpose. They are just having a hard time coping. What your child needs in their difficult moments is for you to be their rock — to acknowledge they’re having a hard time and to show them you can tolerate their distress. When your child says, “I am never going to wash my hands before dinner,” you might respond: “I know you don’t want to stop playing, but it’s time to get ready for dinner. You have two great choices: you can pick any sink to wash your hands, or I can be a helper and use a wipe to get them clean before dinner.” Most important is that you don’t get drawn into a power struggle, which only increases stress.

Acknowledge and show empathy for how hard your child is working to be a good citizen at school. “We know it takes a lot of energy to follow all the rules, make so many transitions from one activity to another, and share and take turns with friends. That’s a lot! By the time you get home, I bet you are really tired, which makes it hard to follow the rules at home. We understand.”

Avoid making negative comparisons between your child’s behavior at home and school. Instead of: “Ms. Tiffany says you are the best helper and listener at school. Why can’t you do that at home?” Think: “You are doing such a great job following directions and being a good friend at school! That’s awesome. Now Mommy and Daddy are going to work on how to help you follow directions at home, too. We know you can do it.”. Building on the positive leads to more cooperation.

Include time for connection when you're back together. While this may seem impossible when trying to get through the nightly routine, the payoff can be big. Filling your child’s (and your) cup after a long day apart can result in less overall stress and more cooperation. Making it a ritual is even better, like reading a chapter of a book as you cuddle together. Connection is about the quality of the interaction, not the amount of time spent. When kids can count on this ritual, it can reduce stress for everyone and result in more cooperation. If your child is out of sorts and not ready to reconnect when you get home, give them time and space. Create a cozy corner in your home where they can go to relax until they’re ready to engage. Let them show you when they’re ready to connect.

Maintain important limits. Boundaries are even more important for kids when they are spiraling out of control. Letting go of important limits ultimately leads to more power struggles and therefore more stress for all. Think: “I know it’s hard to say goodnight and you don’t like that there is a limit on books at bedtime. But our rule is three stories and then lights out. I can’t wait to see you in the morning.” You can fill your child's cup while also setting limits. These are not mutually exclusive. It is not love or limits. Limits are loving.

Keep in mind that if your child is thriving in a group setting, you should be giving yourself a good, strong pat on the back. It means you have given them the tools to get along in the real world: being flexible, patient, listening to others, and coping when things go wrong. These are all skills children need to have to be effective in a group and that you have instilled in your child.