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Stephen Colbert, Tim Cook, George W. Bush crack jokes for Class of 2015

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  • JUDY WOODRUFF:

    Finally tonight: It’s commencement season, and that means graduates, their families and friends are hearing a lot of speeches.

    Many universities book high-profile alumni or big names to mark the occasion.

    Here are a few funny moments from some of 2015’s graduations.

  • MAYA RUDOLPH, Comedian:

    Well, well, well. Here we are. Look at all these beautiful faces and iPhones.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • TIM COOK, CEO, Apple:

    Before I begin today, they asked me to make a standard announcement — you have heard this before — about silencing your phones.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • TIM COOK:

    So, those of you with an iPhone, just place it in silent mode. If you don’t have an iPhone, please pass it to the center aisle.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • TIM COOK:

    Apple has a world-class recycling program.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • STEPHEN COLBERT, Comedian:

    It’s a pleasure to be addressing the Wake Forest graduating class of 2015. I want to start by thanking the administration and the trustees for inviting me to speak. I want to thank them for giving me an honorary doctorate of humanities. I’m a huge fan of humans.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • STEPHEN COLBERT:

    Of course, for you grads, the future is a dark chasm of yawning uncertainty.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • STEPHEN COLBERT:

    But don’t worry. You don’t have to face the future for, like, two hours.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • STEPHEN COLBERT:

    First brunch, then yawning uncertainty.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • STEPHEN COLBERT:

    In the late 19th century, this was among the first Southern schools to teach biology in a lab. Before then, you weren’t supposed to learn biology until marriage.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • STEPHEN COLBERT:

    In 1962, Wake Forest had the proud distinction of being the South’s first major private school to integrate. And, yes, they have kept it up. All right.

    (LAUGHTER)

  • KEN BURNS, Documentary Filmmaker:

    It had been my intention this morning to parcel out some good advice at the end of these remarks, the goodness of that being of course subjective in the extreme.

  • But then I realized that this is the land of Mark Twain, and I came to the conclusion that any commentary today ought to be framed in the sublime shadow of this quote of his:

    “It’s not that the world is filled with fools. It’s just that lightning isn’t distributed right.”

    (LAUGHTER)

  • GEORGE W. BUSH, Former President of the United States:

    Those of you graduating this afternoon with high honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done.

    And as I like to tell the C-students, you, too, can be president.

    (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

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