Why a growing number of American men say they are in a ‘friendship recession’

Geoff Bennett:

American men are stuck in what's been dubbed a friendship recession, with 20 percent of single men now saying they don't have any close friends, and more than half of all men report feeling unsatisfied with the size of their friend groups.

I recently traveled to Phoenix to take a closer look at the implications of male loneliness and how some men are confronting it.

Quincy Winston, Professional Black Men’s Friends Group:

A great way to start off 2024, just another meet-up.

Geoff Bennett:

On a recent night in Phoenix, a group of men gathered on a rooftop bar to talk about their goals for the new year.

Man:

I am training for a half-marathon.

Quincy Winston:

Oh, good.

Man:

My first one ever.

Man:

Spend more time with family. I have my godparents. My grandfather, he will be 91 this year.

Quincy Winston:

Make moments like this, where I can sit and talk and look for mentorship and even offer it.

Geoff Bennett:

This friends group was started by 38-year-old Quincy Winston.

After leaving the military in 2015, Winston moved to Arizona with his wife, LaToya, and started working as an I.T. specialist. But for years, he says he struggled to make friends here.

Were you feeling lonely and disconnected?

Quincy Winston:

Definitely, especially when it came to having male friends. I didn't have any. And that lack of connection put me in a place where I didn't know exactly what to do about it.

Geoff Bennett:

So, in March of 2022, Winston turned to the social media platform Meetup and decided to invite other men to a local restaurant.

Quincy Winston:

I think we went to a restaurant called Pappadeaux's, and I didn't know who would show up or if anybody would show up.

Geoff Bennett:

Sounds nerve-racking.

Quincy Winston:

And it was. It was awkward. But once the guys came in and hearing some of their explanations and what they were looking for, I found out we had a lot more coming in I thought.

Geoff Bennett:

Seven men showed up for that first event.

Man:

Are you guys warm?

Geoff Bennett:

Which Winston says only happened because of his wife.

You encouraged him to form this group.

Latoya Winston, Wife of Quincy Winston: Yes. I wanted him to have a social life, like, outside of just us doing things together all the time, which was great, but I still felt like he needed to have guy time and guy friends.

Quincy Winston:

Yes, she made it very evident that I need to go make some friends.

Geoff Bennett:

Go disappear for a little bit.

(Laughter)

Quincy Winston:

Go disappear. Now you have some friends, yes. Come back, but go.

Yes, the chicken needs a little bit more time. I'm just grabbing the hot dogs right now.

Geoff Bennett:

The men still meet up about once a week for activities like this backyard barbecue. Winston's Meetup group now has nearly 130 members.

It speaks to the need for connection that your group is that big. I mean, is that how you see it?

Quincy Winston:

Yes, it does.

And with all the technology that we have to keep us more connected, to where we can communicate instantly with anyone anywhere, but, if you notice, we don't talk as much. We text more. A lot gets lost in translation, because we just don't have that physical connection.

Robert Montgomery, Professional Black Men’s Friends Group:

I'm the newest member of the group, but I'm also one of the oldest members of the group.

Geoff Bennett:

Connection is what 61-year-old Robert Montgomery was looking for.

What motivated you to join this group?

Robert Montgomery:

My whole thing was, I said I needed friends, because I didn't have any. I got tired of being basically isolated at home all the time. And I spent my birthday at home by myself. And I got — and I didn't — I didn't like that. I was like, OK, no, I can't do this anymore.

(Laughter)

Geoff Bennett:

Montgomery is certainly not alone. Only 21 percent of men in the U.S. say they get emotional support from friends every week. That's compared to 41 percent of women.

Richard Reeves, Author, "Of Boys and Men": Sometimes, as men, we struggle to say, I need you.

Geoff Bennett:

Richard Reeves is the author of "Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It."

What is driving male loneliness? Why do men have such a hard time forming friendships and keeping them as they progress through life?

Richard Reeves:

You can't neglect a friendship and expect it to just grow. You have to work at it. You have to find the time. And my observation is that many women are just better at doing that and building it into their lives.

So, it's like a purpose.

Geoff Bennett:

Reeves also says over the last four decades, there's been a steady deterioration of male friendships.

Richard Reeves:

But men under the age of 30, 15 percent say they don't have a close friend. And that's up from 3 percent in 1990. So we have a really difficult challenge now of helping men to find places, spaces and ways to be with other men and to sustain those male friendships.

Geoff Bennett:

Last year, the U.S. surgeon general issued an advisory outlining the devastating health effects of loneliness and isolation, including increased risks for heart disease, strokes and dementia.

And while men make up slightly less than 50 percent of the U.S. population, they now account for nearly 80 percent of all suicides.

Richard Reeves:

I think these statistics on young male isolation and, relatedly, of suicide rates is part and parcel of this displacement that we see of time away from friendship.

Geoff Bennett:

What should we be doing to reverse these trends?

Richard Reeves:

We do need to be intentional about male friendship. We need to be intentional about combating against male loneliness, and that we have to create spaces that are not going to create themselves.

Geoff Bennett:

That's at the heart of Men's Sheds, a nonprofit that began in Australia in the 1990s and now has 27 locations across the country, the goal here, to reach older men, who now have the highest rate of suicides in the U.S.

Phil Johnson, U.S. Men’s Sheds Association:

I had no idea other men like myself, when they retire from work, they lose their work friends, and then most men struggle to get a circle of new friends.

Geoff Bennett:

Seventy-four-year-old Phil Johnson has helped start several Men's Sheds around Minneapolis. A couple of times a month, these mostly retired men come together to both work on projects and to simply sit around and chat.

Phil Johnson:

Men feel more open about talking to guys like themselves about health concerns they may have. So the research shows over and over again that men do best when they're doing something and they can do it together.

Geoff Bennett:

It's a chance for men to share a laugh, but also seek advice.

Phil Johnson:

We tackle some tough problems, like suicide, which is higher in retired men. We have had three men that I know of that have lost their spouses, and there's always going to be somebody else in the group who can say, hey, here's how I did it, here's some ideas, here's something you should try to do.

Quincy Winston:

And know you're not alone.

Man:

Yes.

Quincy Winston:

You have brothers. You have a pack. You have a tribe. You have a family away from home.

Geoff Bennett:

Back in Arizona, I was invited on a morning hike with Quincy Winston's friend group, an outing organized by 29-year-old Nick Crum, who says joining the group has exceeded his expectations.

Nick Crum, Professional Black Men’s Friends Group:

It's just grown so much. And we have been able to meet so many quality people, so many people who actually want to be vulnerable, talk about things that we like to talk about, talk about our life, build that genuine connection with one another.

Geoff Bennett:

That's exactly what Winston says he hoped for when he created the group.

Quincy Winston:

We need each other, and we need to support, uplift, encourage and motivate other men to seek friendship.

Geoff Bennett:

Quincy Winston now wants to expand his friend group beyond the Phoenix area, so meet-ups like this one can become more common for men across the country.

Quincy Winston:

Figure out what we can do to bring people together.

Geoff Bennett:

For the "PBS NewsHour," I'm Geoff Bennett in Phoenix.