(lively folk music) (bird cawing) (brooding music) - [Malachi] Jubel.

(ominous music) (eerie music) (tranquil sitar playing) (bird cawing) (ominous music) - What shall we do now, Malachi?

- This paint is quick-drying as well as non-drip.

We'll praise the Lord while we wait.

♪ A safe stronghold our God ♪ (ominous music swells) (breezy tropical music) (gulls cawing) (crowd chattering) - [Barney] Just one, do you think?

- [Hamish] Two bits?

Yeah, you think so?

Aye, and maybe another sausage.

That's better.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

The waistline, man.

- Aw, come on, Barney.

Sure I can't tempt you with something else?

- Maybe just a smidgen of chutney if there's any going, Hamish.

- No going, coming.

Lachlan's bringing a batch of his homemade.

- For Lachlan's homemade chutney, Hamish, I'd wait forever.

Whoa, whoa!

Alex, is that the red?

- No, just mineral water, Alex.

- What?

- You know wine makes you lethargic, dearest.

Tired.

Liable to fall asleep later on.

(chuckles) - I'll get a mineral water.

- What have I told you?

- Check the oil.

- Check the oil, and now look at us.

That's supposed to be served slightly chilled, you know.

- It's only chutney.

- Only chutney?

That is my chutney.

That's our entry to every barbie in Lochdubh, boy.

- Well, I'd like to think I was invited for my personality, not your chutney.

- Bethsheba.

It's a fine evening for a prayer meeting.

- Mr. McCrae.

You're welcome to join in if you'd like.

- [Lachlan] Aw, I don't think so, Bethsheba.

♪ Full soon were we down-ridden ♪ - So, uh, what's he making you wear all this stuff for?

- To deter vanity, he says.

The only thing this deters is the babes.

Lachie, man, I'm at the height of my sexual powers, just like you.

- Sounds awful, right enough.

No babes, I mean.

I don't think I could handle that, Jubel.

- Tell me about it.

So you're seeing some at the moment then?

- Oh, one or two irons in the fire, yeah.

♪ His name, the Lord Sabaoth's Son ♪ - [Lachlan] Shouldn't that say Lochdubh there, Mr. McBean?

- My husband is going about the Lord's work, Mr. McCrae.

- The Lord's work?

I thought road signs was the council's business.

I'll be reporting this, you know.

Come on, Lachie Jr. - We're just off to Hamish's barbie.

- (growling) What?

(ominous music) You would take your son into that house, McCrae?

You would let your boy sup with Satan?

- Satan?

I didn't see any Satan on the guest list.

Did you, Lachie Jr.?

- No, no Satan.

- Get a life, McBean.

Come on, son.

(Malachi speaking in tongues) (breezy tropical music) - (laughs) It's going well, don't you think?

- Aw, well, good wine, good company, brilliant cooking.

- Ooh!

(laughs) - Why shouldn't it go well?

(chuckles) - You know what?

I've been a complete idiot, haven't I?

- Mm-hmm.

- I could have had all this long ago, hmm?

- [Lachlan] Has Lachie told you about McBean?

He painted out the road sign.

The man has clearly lost the plot.

- You see a lot more of Alex and Hamish than I do, Mr. McIver.

Do they seem happy?

- Well, they seem to be, Major.

- Then why don't they just get married, hmm?

I don't understand it.

It'd get that McBean off their backs at the very least.

- Well, marriage is a great responsibility, Major.

- All I'm saying is it's a damn disgrace.

I mean, who does that McBean think he is?

Lots of couples live together, for heaven's sake.

He- - Agnes, dear, the reverend might not see things in quite that light.

- Oh, I'm not that far apart from Agnes.

If God is love, then where there's love, there's God.

We must believe that, mustn't we?

(Alan laughs) - See?

Another glass of wine, Alan?

- No, no.

I won't, if you don't mind it.

Makes me feel lethargic.

- Do you hear that, Barney?

I think Alan and I see things in entirely the same light.

- There it was, in big red letters: "Gomorrah."

I tell you, if it hadn't been for the presence of Lachie Jr. here, I'd have banjoed that McBean right there and then.

I kid you not, Rory.

- Gomorrah, eh?

Well, well, well.

That was a biblical city, Lachlan, that God destroyed on account of the goings on there.

- I know that, Rory Campbell.

What do you take me for, an ignoramus or what?

- I was just pointing out- - Of course, contemporary geologists, they think that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by natural disasters, such as earthquakes.

(Lachlan scoffs) Oh, I just thought I'd throw that in.

- Anyway, anyway, the next thing is McBean starts speaking in tongues.

- Speaking in tongues, eh?

You'd know a lot about that sort of thing, Lachie Jr. - I've seen it before.

- And where was that?

- "Cape Fear."

- There you go, you see?

Saw it himself, up in Cape Fear.

- I think he means the film, Lachlan.

"Cape Fear."

- That's right.

It's at the end.

And Robert De Niro, he's this religious maniac.

He's chained to this sinking boat, and just as the boat's going under, he starts speaking in tongues.

(Lachie babbling) It was really brilliant the way that he did it.

(gulls cawing) (tranquil Indian folk music) - Oh, no.

(sighs) - Lachlan!

My man!

Lookin' good, Lachlan!

Lookin' good!

- Feelin' good, Zoot!

feelin' good!

- Hambo!

- Zoot.

How are we?

- Only wonderful, Hambo.

Only wonderful.

- Well, Zoot, you know you're always welcome here, but there's some pretty solid citizens in the company, so nothing aromatic.

- Nothing?

- Nothing.

- What have I stumbled in on here, Hambo?

A Victorian theme evening?

- No, no, no.

Just try looking on it as a new experience.

- (laughing) A new experience.

(Hamish chuckles) I like that.

- Aye.

- Better tell my fellow risk-takers.

- Good man.

Hello.

- Ooh-ah.

Well, Zoot's been spending a lot of time round Lochdubh these days.

What's the attraction, I wonder.

- Open your hearts, dear friends.

Open your minds and hearts, and together we shall know the infinite.

(bright Indian folk music) (music tempo quickens) (hippies chanting serenely) (airy music) (Zoot vocalizes joyously) (Zoot laughing) - Lord!

Cleanse this house of sin with a foam of thy most sacred blood!

- Cleanse it, cleanse it.

(tambourine rattles) - [Malachi] Turn thy back on Satan now!

- Alarm call, madam.

- I heard them.

- Lay waste this vile den, O Lord!

Visit thy vengeance on this stinking cesspool of sin!

- Cesspool of sin!

- Bethsheba, another fine day.

- It is indeed, Mr. McIver.

- Be warned!

And stay back from this wicked abode, John McIver!

- Wicked abode?

That's the police house, man.

Now get out of my way before I lose my temper.

"Wicked abode."

- He that succors sin himself sins!

- Himself sins.

(tambourine rattling) - I don't understand it, you know.

- What?

- The Church of the Stony Path sets out strict codes for the brethren, but they've never behaved like this before.

And those clothes, they look ridiculous.

- Yes, well.

Maybe it took us to bring out the worst in them.

- No, no, they've been like this since before you moved in with Hamish.

But you do seem to have given them a focus.

(Jock barking) - [Hamish] That's me off then.

- You take care.

- Take care?

(chuckles) This is Lochdubh, Alex.

(tambourine rattling) (Jock barks) - [Malachi] God curse that man.

- Curse him.

Curse him!

- Think he means me, love.

- Fornicator.

- Definitely means me.

- Do you think you can scoff at us, Macbeth?

His ministers!

His elect!

- Oh, his elect, is it?

Well, tell me this, Mr. McBean.

If the Lord thinks so much of you, how come he's just let my dog piss up your trouser leg?

(Jock barks) Jock.

- Dog of Dionysus!

Hound from Hades!

(ominous music) Infest that beast with fleas, Lord!

- Come on, Jock.

- Send down a plague upon his foul master's house, and let thy wrath be felt by the Jezebel that lives in sin within its unholy walls!

- [Bethsheba] Within its walls!

- [Malachi] Woe is the temptress who leads man into sin!

- Into sin.

- Alan.

- Isn't that just such a stooshie?

I suppose I should apologize for him since he is a member of the cloth.

- Och, nonsense.

- You're very kind, Hamish, but tell me, do you think that man's insane?

- Well, I think he's just daft.

- What, not dangerous then?

- Naw, just daft.

- I see.

I'll say good day to you, Hamish.

Thank you so very much.

(Malachi ranting furiously) - For what?

- [Malachi] Repent!

- He preaches with a lot of passion, don't you think?

- Well, it sounds like a lot of abuse to me.

- Sure, but remember, Hambo, they say the Lord works in wondrous ways.

- Is that right?

- Flora, it occurred to me that it might be worthwhile having a look at the McBeans.

You know, at the Church of the Stony Path as a whole.

- Oh, yes?

- Yes.

- Well, one never knows what a good journo might find there if he, or she, was to dig deep enough.

- Oh, you surprise me, Flora.

I half thought you might've agreed with the McBeans.

Hamish and Alex aren't married, after all.

- Neither am I, Isobel.

And who can blame Alexandra?

I mean, that Macbeth.

Wouldn't you just know he'd be a dirty boy?

(Malachi ranting) (tambourine rattles) (wind howling) (both grunt) (Bethsheba panting) (pebbles rattle) - [Bethsheba] Oh, Malachi.

- [Malachi] Put the pebbles back, wife.

- But you'll cripple yourself.

Why are you doing these things?

- The struggle with Lucifer is arduous.

- But this?

- (chuckling) Oh, sweet Bethsheba.

Your concern does you credit.

Yet more proof that you are the Lord's greatest gift to this humble servant.

- Please, Malachi.

I don't deserve.

(Malachi grunts) - I think it's deserved.

And that is why, in my own way, I have always loved you.

And why, in my own way, I always will.

But I've begun to chart a difficult course for the church, Bethsheba.

And if you came to feel that the burden of leadership was too great for you to share with me, then I assure you, I'd understand.

I want you to know that.

(haunting music) Bethsheba.

(Malachi moaning in agony) - Shall I make you a sleeping draft?

(Malachi moans) To shut out the hiss of the serpent's tongue.

(Malachi moans weakly) (ominous music) (Malachi snoring) - [Hamish] That Reverend Snow.

- He's a nice man.

- He asked me if I thought McBean was insane.

You know, dangerous.

- [Alex] I've been wondering the very same thing.

- No, no.

I mean, it's the way he asked.

Alan Snow.

(Hamish chuckles softly) Kinda odd.

- We could get shut of McBean if we'd just get married.

- I'm not giving into that clown.

Are you joking?

- I was thinking we might do it for our own sakes, Hamish.

- Alex, I want to get married.

But I want to do it right.

And that costs a lot more than we've got, basically.

Just wait 'til we get some cash put by.

- Well, who'd have thought of that?

You wanting a proper wedding.

- No, no.

I mean I just, uh...

I just want to do things right, that's all.

(sheep bleating) (chickens squawk) - What are they doing?

- That patch has been set aside for hand-tilling, the theory being that after a day in there you're too knackered to sin.

It doesn't work though.

Not when you're at the height of your sexual powers.

Like me, Isobel.

- Jubel.

I'm here to do a story.

- Jubel!

- See you.

- Yeah.

- What can we do for you, Ms. Sutherland?

- Well, I was, um...

I was thinking of doing a piece for the Religious Affairs column.

- We've been here a long time, Ms. Sutherland.

Why the sudden interest?

- Well, this persecution of Hamish.

- Your choice of words betrays you, miss.

I'll not talk with an ally of sinners!

Now out of my way!

- [Isobel] But if you'll just listen, Mr. McBean- - Out of my way!

Now!

Out!

- Mr. McBean!

No!

(Isobel shrieks) - [Bethsheba] Oh, my God.

(Isobel wails) - Lie still.

You'll be fine.

Just lie still.

- What happened, Malachi?

- It was an accident.

- Get your car.

She'll need to see the doctor.

- She stepped under the wheel.

- Oh, dear.

Oh, my God.

- It was an accident!

- [Man] I'll get a stretcher.

- It was an accident.

It was an accident.

- He did apologize, Hamish.

- No, no, no, no.

The damage is already done.

- [Doc] Will you calm down, Hamish?

- Look what he did to her!

- It's only bruising.

- The ground was soft.

- You go home and you tell that badly put-together mankit that I've seen this.

I have seen what he did to her.

And you tell him his turn is coming.

- But it was an accident, Mr. Macbeth.

Malachi wouldn't tell a lie.

- Hamish.

- Excuse me!

do I get to know what's going on here?

- You saw what he did to her.

- Yes.

And I saw what that did to you, Hamish.

Now, that man has been standing out here for weeks!

Every day, he's called me names, and I've been so- - Och, look, Alex.

He never touched you!

- You did nothing!

- If he touched you it would be a different story, okay?

- [Alex] Would it, Hamish?

- Yeah.

(huffs) I'm surprised you even have to ask that.

- Dinner for one then?

(pensive pipe music) (Jock barking) (man screaming) (ominous music) - Malachi?

Oh, my God.

Malachi!

(Malachi roaring) Malachi!

(Bethsheba yelps) - No!

- Malachi!

- Don't look upon him!

He is the beast!

Look away from his face, Bethsheba!

Look away from his face!

(Bethsheba groaning) - Malach- - One look, and he'll wither your soul.

(Bethsheba whimpers) Bethsheba.

Oh, Bethsheba.

I saw him!

He is the beast!

Get away from the barn!

It is the beast!

- Get back!

- Stay away!

- I'll call the fire brigade.

- No!

(Bethsheba yelps) (Malachi growls) Malachi!

(Malachi groaning) (Bethsheba grunts) - Well, he could be mad.

Or then again, he might just be embarked on some kind of back-to-basics campaign.

(laughs) Which would make him mad in my book, anyway.

Did I not say keep the weight off that foot, Isobel?

- I'll be all right.

How is he?

- He'll live, unfortunately.

Minor burns to his lower legs.

- He's in there talking to John at the moment.

And refuses to speak to me.

- So, this noise.

You say you went to investigate, and then what?

- It was horrible.

I went into the barn, and there was this sudden stench of sulfur.

And then I heard a low, infernal laugh.

(haunting music) When I raised my lantern, (inhales sharply) I saw it was the beast!

And his name (beast laughing) was Macbeth!

(flames roaring) (beast cackles) - I mean, he actually said it was me in the barn.

And you should've seen that TV John.

Did he enjoy telling me or what?

I mean, apparently he had these rather piercing green eyes.

Cat's, I think they were.

And then there was mention of this low kinda chuckle.

Aye.

Oh, aye, aye.

And there was definitely hooves, you know.

And a tail.

But no horns.

He was quite clear on that point.

- You were out last night.

Where did you go?

- Well, I was... Hey, wait a minute.

You don't think it was me in there, do you?

Alex!

Look, there's a perfectly simple explanation for all of this.

I mean, there has to be.

Right, I'll prove it to you.

A perfectly simple explanation.

- [Alex] Okay, prove it!

- [Hamish] I mean, I cannot believe you.

I can't even believe we're having this conversation.

(sheep bleating) (pensive pipe music) - You're late, Hamish.

- Peter, please.

Any ideas?

- The man dropped a lamp, Hamish.

That's about it.

We were on our way back from another call when this one came through, so we got here a bit sharpish.

Could've saved more of the place if it hadn't been for that damned holdup.

- What was that?

- Some hippy in a hurry.

First of all, he nearly rammed us.

Then we had to wait for him to back up so we could get by him.

- Tattoo on his forehead?

Blue BMW?

- Aye, that's him.

- Zoot McPherrin.

I'll have a word with him, tell him to check his speed.

Surprising though.

Zoot generally does everything in a kind of, uh... A kind of sedate manner, you know?

- [Man] (whispering) Hamish.

(pensive music) (whispering) Hamish!

- [Peter] Okay, lads.

Let's finish this off, right?

- Hamish, what's happening here?

I knew nothing but happiness here till all this started.

What's going on?

- I don't know, Jubel.

I don't know.

- So, what do you reckon then, Minister?

Did McBean see Old Nick or what?

- Nick?

What?

- The devil, man.

- There's no such thing.

It's a myth, that's all.

- So you're saying McBean's gone bananas?

Well, it has to be one or the other, doesn't it?

- Would you please excuse me?

- That is a worried man.

- I'm with you, Lachie Jr. That man knows a thing about this devil business, you mark my words.

- Well, my brave husband's taking no chances, are you, Barney?

- Don't start, Agnes.

Just don't start.

- What do you mean, Agnes?

- Use your nose, Lachlan.

Or if not that, your eyes.

Look.

Garlic.

To ward off evil spirits.

- [Barney] I just thought I'd give the bar a more, uh- - [Lachlan] A kind of a Continental feel.

- [Barney] Exactly, Lachlan.

- And how does this lend itself to the general ambience of the place?

Sometimes I wish I'd listened to my mother.

- You wouldn't have any more of these, would you, Barney?

- You winding me up, Lachlan?

- Nope!

If there's any protecting to be done, I want some for me and the boy here.

- Actually, against forces of this magnitude, the old garlic is pretty puny stuff.

What we need is something far more potent.

- What about chilies?

- Heads up.

- John.

- Hamish.

- (whispering) Did you see that?

- I saw it, all right.

Ah!

Hamish, lad!

- [Hamish] All right.

- (exhales) That's it for me, boys.

If TV John McIver's worried, that's it for me.

- Nice shot, Isobel.

How's the foot?

- It's fine.

Bit sore, that's all.

- Good.

- So how are things with you?

- Not good.

Alex thinks I was in the barn.

Not with the horns and the tail, of course, but she thinks I was there.

She thinks I went for McBean because of what he did to you, actually.

Because of what I feel for... Because of what Alex thinks I might feel for- - I see.

- You.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Anyway, if I can just prove I wasn't in the barn, find out what happened, then everything'll be okay.

She has to be able to trust me, Isobel, you know?

It's the least she deserves.

(pensive music) After all, I did ask her to come back to Lochdubh.

- Hamish, why are you telling me all this?

- Why?

Well, because we've never talked about us.

That's why.

And I just wanted you to know why I did what I did.

- Us?

- Yeah.

- There's no us.

You live with Alex.

That's that, as far as I'm concerned.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

It's not a problem, Hamish.

So what are you going to do?

- Oh, I don't know.

I'm not sure.

If I can just get a starting point, then everything'll be fine.

Come on, Isobel, please?

(Isobel sighs) - There might be something going on at the McBean farm.

It's just gossip, Flora says, but... Well, something Esme Murray hinted at.

(wind rushing) (cow moos) - [Barney] The only one we know there.

He's the only one who could do it.

- Come on, keep up, boy!

Keep up now!

- [Barney] There's no point in discussing it with Agnes.

- [Lachlan] No point at all.

- You're sure?

- We didn't come here for tea, TV John.

- We want protection.

- Spiritual protection.

Is there anything we can do, TV John?

- Well, there is, as a matter of fact.

It's an old Aztec ceremony.

- [Lachlan] Aztec?

- Oh, yes.

I learned it down in Veracruz, you see.

Now, that's in Mexico, Lachie Jr. - Uh, Veracruz, TV John?

- Oh, yes.

I had spent all but my last few pesos on bad rum, and I woke up in an alley with a tongue on me like Gandhi's flip-flop.

So I went for a hair of the dog.

I went into this small, cool cantina, and as I was sitting there sipping my cure, I saw this very beautiful young girl.

We were about the same age, and she was staring at me.

I couldn't think why, for I'd never been much to look at.

But it transpired that it was my aura she could see.

When we eventually spoke, she told me that she was directly descended from Aztec royalty.

Maybe even Atahualpa himself.

Anyway, over the next few days, she taught me a great deal about my psychic gifts, as well as her own.

She told me how her people had traditionally protected themselves from the forces of darkness.

(distant thunder cracks) Ah, but you boys would never be up for something like that.

- Try us.

- "Geranium."

That's, uh, four syllables, I believe.

- I can count, Rory.

(knock at door) (Rory exhales deeply) - But I don't have anything to go on.

I mean, I'm desperate, Esme.

- Join the club.

- Well, it's...

It's a bit delicate.

But since you're the law, Hamish.

It was a couple of months back.

I was coming off the bus from Inverness, having just visited a sick friend, when I noticed Bethsheba.

She was getting off in front of me and she dropped her shoulder bag, so I gave her a hand to gather up her things.

- Go on.

- That's when I saw it.

Black underwear.

Oh, and then I saw her eyes, and I knew for certain she'd had a good time.

(Hamish chuckles) See, women can't hide that kind of thing from each other, Hamish.

(Hamish and Rory chuckle) - Was Malachi there?

- Hamish, you're not listening.

I said she'd had a good time.

- Uh-huh.

- Right.

(laughs) Right.

Okay.

(chuckles) - Hamish.

(grunts) (Hamish chuckles) (Rory grunting) (Rory whispers indistinctly) Go.

(hippies chanting solemnly) (chimes ring) (bells jingling) (cymbals clap) (cymbals clap) (chimes ring) - Hambo.

(Zoot laughs) (waterbed gurgles) You'll forgive my friends if they seem a wee bit skittish, Hambo, but we've had reports of a certain manifestation.

Of a certain VIP from the nether regions showing up on your patch.

- Bollocks.

(chimes ring) (cymbals clapping) - This cat in the car, you haven't got any description?

- No, the firemen were too busy trying to get to the fire.

- Ah, that is unfortunate, Hambo.

Oh, but you can rule me out.

Last night I was a million miles from Lochdubh, metaphysically speaking.

No, I was surfing the astral waves.

A kaleidoscope of the exquisite hues.

Indigoes, violets, the most magnificent crimson.

- Yeah, I think I know the spot.

D'oh, jeez.

(cymbals clap) - I hope you can believe me when I say this, Hambo.

I'm really sorry I can't help you.

(Hamish sighs) - You got the birch twigs?

- I've got them!

One each.

- Have you got them?

- I've got it, I've got it.

- [Lachlan] Hey, come on, I don't want to be out here a minute longer than is necessary, right?

- [Barney] Yeah.

(hippies chanting solemnly) (ominous music) - "Flowers by Bethsheba."

- [All] He-ya, hi-ya, ho-ya, ha.

He-ya, hi-ya, ho-ya, ha.

He-ya, hi-ya, ho-ya, ha.

He-ya, hi-ya, ho-ya, hi-ya, he-ya, hi-ya- (John snickering) - John!

(John shushes) - Keep down, keep down.

- [Boys] He-ya, hi-ya, ho-ya, ah.

- Oh my god!

- He-ya, hi-ya, ho-ya, ah.

- Doesn't it make you think though, Agnes, that civilization is such a thin veneer?

(both laugh softly) - [Agnes] My god, you've done it, John.

- [John] You did say free beer for a month.

- [Agnes] They've gone absolutely daft!

(boys vocalizing in harmony) (Agnes and John laughing) (Hamish sighs) - Ask me who's a clever boy then.

- Who?

- Me.

I know what happened.

Now, I told you there'd be a perfectly simple explanation for this, didn't I?

Bethsheba McBean is having an affair with Zoot McPherrin.

Now, this I know because she was spotted coming off a bus from Inverness with black underwear and a certain look.

This I know because Zoot was seen later driving fast away from the McBean house on the night of the fire, a fact he subsequently denied.

Now, why would he do that?

- I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

- I am.

Zoot's in the barn.

He's waiting for Bethsheba, but it's Malachi who happens along.

Zoot jumps up, yeah?

Gives him a fright.

Uh, McBean drops the lamp, the fire starts, and what with the smoke, the flames, the confusion, and that maniac's obsession with the devil, he sees what he wants to see.

(scoffs) What he's wanted to see all his life, probably.

- It's ridiculous.

Zoot McPherrin?

He'd never look at Bethsheba.

- [Hamish] Isn't that just a tad sexist?

- There's no need for that.

There's no need for any of this.

If you say you weren't in the barn, you weren't in the barn, okay.

- No, not okay.

- Hamish, I'm tired.

I want to go to bed.

Are you coming?

Or do you intend continuing with your inquiries?

- Not tonight.

At least Isobel was trying to help.

- I'm sure you'll make a great team.

(cows mooing) (haunting music) (runner grunting in pain) (pensive pipe music) (footsteps approach) - What happened between them, John?

- Well, whatever it was, can you not see that he's trying to reassure you about it?

- Well, how long was he there?

- Just a couple of minutes.

- Talking to Malachi?

- Mm-hmm.

(Hamish sighs) - Okay, but why?

It doesn't make sense.

(Isobel sighs) Huh?

- Maybe Esme's wrong, and Bethsheba's not having an affair at all.

- [Hamish] Hey there, Neil.

- Well, Hamish, it's yourself.

It is yourself, I hope.

- Aye, it's me, Neil.

Listen, uh, I'm looking for a bit of information of a rather sensitive nature here.

Bethsheba McBean.

- Aye?

- Do you think she's, uh- - Oh!

Very definitely, Hamish.

- Good, good.

- With the minister.

The Reverend Snow.

- What?

- Aye.

I noticed it after about the third trip.

He would sit at the back, she at the front, studiously ignoring each other.

- Hamish, is that you?

(haunting music) - Yeah, it's me.

Reverend Snow around?

- He got a phone call from Malachi.

- [Hamish] From Malachi?

What's he saying?

(Jimmy speaking in tongues) Very good, Jimmy.

- Just that much.

You move that much, I get by without you noticing.

(cows moo) (groaning) Please?

(bull grunts) (tense music) - And the Lord spake unto this humble servant, and he said, "Malachi, doth thou really think that Macbeth could assume the guise of the fallen one without help?

No, no, no," he said.

"Seek ye out he who claims to walk in my light, and there shall ye find your tormentor."

"The one who claims to walk in my light."

(ominous music) Well, it was obvious who he meant.

- What have you done with Bethsheba?

- Done with her?

Well, she's gone to the shops.

It's Thursday, man.

And I've sent the brethren up Ben Bheinnie to meditate, so it's just you and me.

(vehicle approaches) So I said to the Lord, "Lord, how shall I dispatch the fallen one's disciple?"

And the Lord said, "In the usual way, Malachi.

In the usual way."

(dramatic music swells) (Malachi groans) (Malachi speaking in tongues) - You're not yourself!

(metal clangs) (stake clatters) - That felt so good.

- Hambo!

What have you done?

- You phone Alex, tell her to bring Doc Brown up here.

- Are we meant to continue wondering why you've gathered us all here, Hamish?

I for one would like to know what happened to Malachi's head.

- It's perfectly simple, Doc.

He was having an affair with her.

But so was he.

And you see, he must have wanted to have a clear field, so he told him about these two.

Upshot is, Doc, when you've fixed him up, I'm lifting him for attempted murder.

And I'm sorry, Zoot.

I'm going to have to lift you for conspiracy.

- I'm sorry, Hambo.

That's not how it was.

- Okay, Zoot, you tell me how it was.

- Well, I was meant to come in and rescue Alan, but one of these Highland cows- - Zoot's telling the truth.

He was out here late one night and he saw Bethsheba and the Reverend Snow together.

- Mr. McPherrin!

You told Malachi?

- Och, straight away.

- After all those long talks we'd had?

- What long talks?

- Well, I advised Bethsheba to do her own thing, to leave Malachi and move off with the Reverend Snow.

- And she would have, Mr. Macbeth, but Alan here respected me, and he was worried about what the community might think about a minister who took another man's wife.

- How do you know these things?

- Zoot told me.

- Bethsheba told me.

- The long talks.

- Right, Doc.

- We decided to force Alan's hand, Mr. Macbeth.

I became such an ogre he would be forced to take Bethsheba away.

- Hence the religious mania?

The clothes and things?

- Correct, Doc.

Malachi the Good became Malachi the Mad and the Bad.

- And this also had the effect of turning the community away from you so they'd support Alan if and when he tried to take Bethsheba from you.

- Doc.

Can I ask the questions?

- Sorry, Hamish.

- But despite everything I did, Alan wouldn't budge.

And my feet were killing me.

- Now, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If you wanted her and him to get it together, then why didn't you just tell her and him?

- Yes, why didn't you?

- Hamish... Hamish, man, that would never do.

That would be Malachi the Good, the Ultra-Good, and sooner or later, Alan's feelings of guilt for having hurt Malachi would have destroyed his relationship with Bethsheba.

- [Malachi] That's what Zoot said.

- It's basic psychology, Hambo.

Really very simple.

- (murmuring) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(Hamish claps) Right then.

And this had better be good.

Why would you want Bethsheba to leave you?

- So that she could enjoy the love she'd found.

And so that I might be free to enjoy mine.

- Malachi?

(Hamish laughs) - No.

- I thought you might've had a wee inkling.

I'm sure Alex did.

See, a wee while back, some friends and I arranged a weekend of perception development in Applecross.

Malachi came up to remonstrate with us, but when our eyes met, there was to be no remonstrance.

- You two were in the barn.

- I dropped the lamp.

When I heard Bethsheba coming, I had to think of something.

I am still a minister in the Church of the Stony Path.

(Alan clears throat) - I am sure that the people in this room can keep a confidence if you consider it necessary for the good of your church, Malachi.

(gentle music) - But, uh...

But what are we going to do?

- Well, I think you should move in with Alan.

- Now?

- We can say that I'm giving you refuge.

The community has turned against Malachi, Bethsheba.

- And meanwhile, you file for a divorce.

- Yeah, and when young Jubel's old enough, then he can take over and Malachi can move in with me.

- I'm outta here, you coming?

- Are you kidding?

- And what will you and Zoot do in the meantime?

- Well, we can continue to meet.

We can time it so that our holidays coincide.

- I have a substantial villa in the Algarve.

- Oh, the Algarve?

Oh, aye, that's wonderful!

(jaunty music) (Alex laughs) - Just like I said, a perfectly simple explanation.

- Oh, it was, just exactly like you said.

- Oh, well, thanks very much, Alex.

I went out and I proved that I wasn't in the barn, and I did that for you.

- Hamish, all you had to do was say that you had no feelings for Isobel.

Well, are you coming?

- Yeah, later.

Doc will be needing a lift.

♪ A trusty shield and weapon ♪ (pensive pipe music) ♪ He'll help us clear of all the ill ♪ ♪ That hath us now o'ertaken ♪ ♪ The ancient prince of hell ♪ ♪ Hath risen with purpose fell ♪ ♪ Strong mail of craft and power ♪ (lively folk music)