(upbeat folk music) (gentle thoughtful music) (waves lapping) - [Alex] So, this is my island.

What do you think of it?

- [Hamish] (sighs) It's stunning.

There's really nobody else here?

- There was a base on the island during the war.

Radar or something.

Now there's just the sea, the sand, and the birds.

- And us.

Still, it's a long way to come just to teach me how to sail.

- You really think that's why I brought you here?

Are you thick or what, Hamish Macbeth?

(gentle thoughtful music continues) (sinister music) - Well, it's dinnertime.

Come and get it.

(gun clicking) ♪ Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside ♪ ♪ Oh, I do like to be beside the sea ♪ ♪ Oh, I do like to stroll along the prom, prom, prom ♪ ♪ Hear the brass band play, tiddly-om-pom-pom ♪ ♪ So just let me be beside the seaside ♪ ♪ I'll be beside myself with glee ♪ ♪ And there's lots of girls besides ♪ ♪ I should like to be beside ♪ ♪ Beside the seaside ♪ (pages rustling) - [Douglas] This is terrible.

Terrible!

- What is, Douglas?

Or do you prefer Dougie?

- I prefer Constable, actually, Mr. McIver.

There is no crime.

According to the logbook, this man Macbeth has barely made an arrest since he got here.

They've sent me to a place with no crime.

- It is only for the month, Constable.

Until Macbeth gets back.

- He will be coming back, won't he?

What did you say was wrong with him?

- Depression, brought on by- - Depression?

Oh, well surprise, surprise, Mr. McIver.

What's a crime fighter supposed to do in a place with no crime but get depressed?

No, I don't believe it.

No disrespect to Macbeth, but there has to be crime in that street and I'm gonna find it.

- Oh, God.

- What?

- I said, "Thank God," Constable Duggan.

When Macbeth started to crack, I began to worry.

Could I hope to find another one like him?

I feared not.

I feared the worst.

But then you walked through that door, a man parched with the thirst for justice.

A man I could work on, with!

A man I could work with, just like I worked with Macbeth.

You're right, Constable Duggan, there is crime here and Macbeth about broke himself in two tryin' to fight it.

You forget about Chicago, and Detroit, and Philly.

This is the crime capital of the world.

- (scoffs) Here?

- Relatively speakin', I mean.

Crimes per head of population.

- Here?

- You go and unpack your bags, Constable, and I'll work us up a strategy.

But remember one thing.

This is not going to be easy.

(gentle mysterious music) - [Belle] Stop!

Please, come no further.

Do you have a radio on your boat?

- [Hamish] Uh, my boat caught fire, it sank.

I heard you singin', from up there.

- [Belle] I hope I didn't sound too bad.

Well, it's difficult to whistle in the dark when there's no dark, so I thought I'd sing.

What's your name?

- It's Macbeth, Hamish.

- I'm Belle Carter, Mr. Macbeth.

Can you see what's under my left foot?

- [Hamish] Yeah, it's a rock.

- It's a landmine, Mr. Macbeth.

- I've walked this beach a half a dozen times at least- - Oh, no, please!

For God's sake.

It's a relic from the war.

There was a radar station here.

- Yeah, I know.

- [Belle] I guess that when they swept the beach this one got away.

Probably been unearthed by the winter storms.

- Yeah, but if it had been live, it would've went off.

It'd have blown up.

- It's been here for over half a century, Mr. Macbeth.

Who's to say what it'll do?

Especially if I take my foot off it.

- How are you feeling?

You okay?

- I've been here about two hours.

My back hurts and I'm getting numbness in my legs.

I hired a boatman from the mainland to drop me off.

He's due back in three days.

Mr. Macbeth, you should get to a safe distance.

- You got a camp?

- A tent.

Back along the shore.

- I'll go and I'll bring back what I can, okay?

Don't go wanderin' off.

- Now, you go to it, Constable.

- I don't want to appear ungrateful, Mr. McIver, but sausages?

- The sausages are just the start.

Trust me.

- Mr. McIver.

Is that the relief constable?

- Aye, the very man, Major.

And keen as mustard, too.

He wants to go around arresting people.

- You'll put him right, of course.

- That's in hand, Major.

- Good, good.

- How are things?

- Oh, trying to get back on an even keel.

- If there's anything I can do.

Oh, Isobel.

- [Isobel] Is Hamish still around?

- Oh, I saw him off about four this morning.

- Oh.

Um, I got the Glasgow job.

- [John] Ah.

- They've asked me to start earlier.

- [John] When?

- Two weeks.

Do you suppose he'll be back by then?

- Well, I honestly don't know, Isobel.

I couldn't get a lot out of him.

Maybe he'll call us.

- Yeah, sure.

(birds cawing) - Are you Lachlan McCrae, Senior?

- [Lachlan] That's me.

- And are these sausages homemade?

- Certainty are.

- [Douglas] I.e., made in your own home?

- That's right.

Why, what's wrong?

- I have reason to believe these sausages were made in conditions which contravene health and safety legislation.

- I've been makin' these sausages for years, boy.

(chuckles) You know?

- "I have been making these sausages for years, boy."

- Is this some sort of joke-a-gram or somethin'?

- Are you Bernard Meldon, alias Barney Meldon?

- That's right.

Look, there's nothin' wrong with these sausages.

As any of my customers will tell you.

- "As any of my customers will tell you."

- Right, gentlemen.

- I don't believe this.

Why am I here?

- [Lachlan] What on earth's going on, TV John?

- The relief man's determined to shine.

Now, despite the fact that he's a grade-A nutter, I'm sure that even he could make a few arrests in the month we've got him for.

- Oh, and you think the brass'll be impressed?

So impressed they'll maybe keep him here permanently?

And shift Hamish elsewhere?

- Well, it's a possibility, Lachlan.

So, I thought I'd better keep him busy.

- [Lachie] Doing what?

- [John] Makin' arrests.

- But you just said, we need to get rid of him, because he wants to make arrests.

- Tell Barney about you and PC McCulloch they sent us.

- (sighs) You mean the man before the man before Hamish?

- That's the one.

(door clunking) - Right.

Right!

Who was PC McCulloch?

(typewriter clacking) - Can I ask what you're doing, sir?

- I'm typin' up the charge sheet, Mr. McIver.

The sooner we formalize things, the sooner we can let those three out.

- Ah, I see.

Well, let's hope that word of your first arrest doesn't reach the five families otherwise it'll cost us a major pinch.

- Uh, the five families?

- Aye.

There's the Camerons, Big Alec and his boys, there's the McGirks, the McFees, the McGraws.

And the McLopez clan.

- McLopez, is that Sicilian?

- Half-Scottish, half-Spanish.

You see, when the Armada was scattered, those poor Spanish boys, they ended up all over the place.

- Ah, ah, ah.

What about these five families, Mr. McIver?

- Each and every one of them keeps an illicit still.

- Illicit whiskey?

- And a kind of ersatz sherry that the McLopez clan has perfected over the centuries.

- This is heavy-duty stuff, Mr. McIver.

- Oh, I can tell you where you're to find the lot of them.

You bring them in, and I'll bang them up.

- That's it, that's it.

That's it.

You got a good grip?

Okay?

You okay?

- Yes.

Thanks.

- There you are.

(Belle sighs) (gentle pensive music) Look up.

I'll get you cleaned up, get a fire going, and I'll get you something to eat.

- You're very kind, Mr. Macbeth.

- Aye.

Listen, I hope you don't mind me sayin' this, but you're now a wee bit on the mature side to be out here on your own.

- (chuckling) Believe me, I've been places a lot rougher than this.

A lot rougher.

- This is you taking things easy then?

Coming out here?

- Not exactly.

I was a nurse on the station here.

In 1945.

It's where I met my husband.

I was 19.

He was a lieutenant.

- Handsome, was he?

- Oh, yes.

Very, Mr. Macbeth.

We always had it in mind to come back to this place someday.

But we never did.

He died three months ago.

For some reason, I wanted to come here more than ever.

I felt compelled to, almost.

(chuckling) Crazy.

- No.

Can understand that.

- What brought you here?

- I told you, my boat sank.

- You also told me you'd been here before, several times.

- Did I?

- You say your boat sank.

And yet you've come ashore almost dry.

You brought no food or water.

Only that pistol.

And then you find me standing on a mine, and you don't seem to care.

- Look, I did what I could for you, Mrs. Carter.

- [Belle] You know what I mean.

You don't care for your own safety.

- So, what does that tell you?

- I'm almost 70 years old, Mr. Macbeth.

I've no family, and I've just lost the man I loved.

It could be argued that I should just step off this thing.

You know?

But I won't.

How could I, amidst such beauty?

- It's only sea and sand.

- And you, Mr. Macbeth?

- I'll start the fire, I think.

- [Belle] You could start it over there somewhere, where it's safe.

- No, no, I think I'll stay close by, just in case you need me.

- I got the last of them, Mr. McIver.

The McLopez family.

Out!

(Douglas speaks in foreign language) (Ferdinand speaks in foreign language) - What are they doin' here?

- When I arrived, they were picking up a shipment of sherry, Mr. McIver.

- For medicinal purposes only, John.

I mean, it's not as if I were going to sell it on or anything.

- I can vouch for that.

We've bought this sherry for its medicinal properties.

- Oh, yes?

And what were you gonna do with this medicine?

Drink it or swim in it?

- Who is this clown, TV John?

- I'd keep a civil tongue in my head if I were you, Ferdinand.

This is Constable Duggan, the relief man.

And doesn't he put you in mind of yon PC McCulloch we once had?

- You mean the man before the man before Macbeth?

Now, that you've pointed it out, there is a resemblance, TV John.

I take it the rest of them are inside, then?

- They're all in there.

Now.

(men shouting in foreign language) - Shh, shh, shh.

Hey!

(people murmuring) - [Woman] You're pushing me.

Stop pushing me for goodness sake.

(door clunking) - In.

- In where?

- In there.

- [Ferdinand] Where, in there?

- Uh, there's a man at the back, needin' the toilet.

How shall we handle it?

(crowd chuckles) (door slamming) - Never thought...

I just never thought- - I know.

Would you like me to lock this lot up in the bedroom just now?

(door clunking) - That's an excellent idea, Mr. McIver.

I'll get ripped into the paperwork and thin them out a bit.

- Paperwork?

You can't do that.

You have to feed them first.

- [Man] Haggis and chips.

- Some of them have been here all day.

(crowd chattering) - [Man] Steak and kidney puddin'.

- [Man] Give me some porridge!

- [Man] Black puddin' and chips.

- [Man] Haggis and chips!

- Evening.

Doc Brown, local GP.

- Ah, Doctor.

Always nice to meet a fellow professional man.

Constable Duggan.

- Agnes!

Is there something wrong?

- Can you smell an illegal substance in here, Doctor?

- (exhales) No.

But then, I guess, I've just gotten used to it over the years.

- Yes, can I help you?

- I hope so.

Do you do bar food?

(crate clanks) - Yes.

- Good.

I'd like 36 plowman's lunches, please, to take away.

- To take away where?

- To the jail.

I've been lifting crooks since the crack of dawn.

- I'm sorry, we don't do takeaways.

We don't have a license.

And I'm sure you wouldn't like us breaking the law.

Oh!

And we're the only place in town.

(chuckling) - You know, you remind me of another constable we had here.

McCulloch.

The man before the man before Macbeth.

As a matter of fact, you're beginning to look more like him by the minute.

I'm in here most afternoons if you should need me for anything.

(wind whistling) (fire crackling) - Mr. Macbeth.

I feel faint.

- You've gotta try and stay on your feet.

- I don't think I can.

- Well, do something.

Sing.

- I'm too tired.

- Well try, come on.

- I can't.

- Well, talk, then.

Talk to me!

- Tell me about this place you live in.

- Ah.

Lochdubh.

You okay?

You gonna be okay?

It's called Lochdubh.

- Is it a big place?

- No, it's small.

It's just one street.

- Would I like it there?

- Aye, you would love it there.

- Tell me about the people.

Your friends.

- My friends?

Well, there's Doc Brown.

Barney and Agnes from the hotel.

They're a nice couple.

Wee Agnes.

Uh, there's the McCraes.

Lachlan and Lachie Jr. (chuckling) Actually, they're the boys we could be doing with, right here and now.

They'd have that mine out from under your feet in five seconds flat, and you wouldn't even feel it going.

- What do you mean?

- Well, it's made of metal, you see, and it has to have some kind of scrap value.

That's how the boys would see this situation.

(Belle chuckling) And there's John.

TV John McIver.

He's like my right-hand man.

He's even got the second sight.

- Tell me more.

- More?

(clears throat) There's Esme Murray.

She's a schoolteacher.

And local sex symbol.

And her intended, I think, Rory Campbell, he's a storekeeper.

And the best damn salesman you're ever likely to meet.

(Hamish chuckling) Tell you, I was out there one day, right, and Flora, she works at the Listener, which is the newspaper.

And she's browsing amongst the shelves and stuff, and suddenly she lets out a scream.

She says, "Two pounds 20 for a tin furniture polish?

"That's a damn disgrace!"

So, Rory, he steps out from behind the counter.

And you have to understand, Rory's not exactly like laugh-a-minute kind of guy, he's straight-faced, and he says, "Look."

He says, "That's beeswax, Flora.

"And naturally the price reflects "the great efforts put in by the polish makers."

I mean, Flora's looking completely bemused.

And he says, "Look, all the bees have to be rounded up.

"And then the polish-makers have to spend "hours and hours on end trying to get the cotton buds "into those tiny wee holes."

Flora's completely flummoxed, she says, "Cotton buds?

Wee holes?

"What wee holes?"

And he says, "The bees' ear-holes, Flora."

(laughing) And she buys it!

The story and the polish, two tins.

And she's never bought another brand since.

(laughing) Do you not get it?

I mean...

Right, cotton buds, bees' ear-holes, beeswax.

- (laughing) I do get the point, Mr. Macbeth.

But you'll appreciate, I've no wish to die laughing.

- Aye.

I'm sorry.

(Belle chuckles) (gentle thoughtful music) - It helped, Mr. Macbeth.

You speak about them with great affection.

You must've been happy there.

- Aye.

- [Belle] Then why?

- Don't.

- But, if you talk about it, Mr. Macbeth.

- Look, Mrs. Carter, given your current situation, your concern for me does you credit, but, really, this is none of your business.

- Then you leave me no choice but to resort to moral blackmail, Mr. Macbeth.

Could be my last request.

(chuckles) And no one's supposed to be denied that.

Are they?

- I first came here with my partner.

Alex.

She was teaching me how to sail.

We hadn't known each other that long.

In fact, we hadn't even, you know, till we came here.

See, this is where the lying started.

The deceit.

This is where I first told her what I thought of her, and how I'd want her forever.

And I guess she must've believed me because, eventually, she came back to the village to stay.

To stay with me.

But things had changed.

Someone else had caught my eye.

Someone else was about to be told what I thought of her.

And how I'd want her forever.

Problem?

No.

Not for me.

I'd just tell her it had all been a big mistake.

Too bad that she'd come back for me.

For me.

For me.

I changed my mind, so what?

But I never actually got round to telling her she was surplus the requirements.

So, she stayed.

And she got herself killed.

(sobbing) She got herself killed.

(gentle somber music) - Mr. Macbeth.

- Now, if you've gonna any concerns, it should be about dying in such lousy company.

- We're none of us saints.

But that doesn't mean to say we should go around killing ourselves.

Please.

Won't you move to a safer place?

- No, I'm afraid you're stuck with me, Mrs. Carter.

- Then I'll have to make sure I don't fall off this mine, Mr. Macbeth.

(people chattering) (cutlery clattering) - Excuse me.

- What?

- Did you put salt on these tatties?

- What?

- Salt?

On the tatties?

- I don't think he did.

I can't taste it.

- No!

- I don't!

- I put salt on the tatties!

I put salt on the tatties!

Mr. McIver!

Mr. McIver, didn't I put salt on those tatties?

- I don't honestly know, Constable.

- He didn't, John.

If he'd put it in, I'd taste it.

- [All] Aye!

- Can I say something?

- [Douglas] What?

- Well, stew, Constable.

I mean, it's hardly what you'd call healthy eating, is it?

I mean, I thought, well, what about some pasta pesto, somethin' like that?

- Aye.

- Quite right.

- [Ferdinand] Which raises another issue, by the way.

- Oh?

What?

- Stew.

You're hardly bendin' over backwards to accommodate the ethnic minority here, are you?

There should have been a choice.

Paella or something Spanish, with me and my boys here.

- Spanish?

Spanish?

listen to you.

You're no Spanish.

You're as Scottish as haggis, you old bastard.

(all gasping) - Manuel.

Jesus, sit down.

Sit down!

You as well, Treenie.

- Haggis, that's a great meal.

Plenty of roughage for the bowels.

- [All] Aye.

- And that's very important.

- Yes, there's even a vegetarian variety over at the hotel, isn't that right, Barney?

- Aye.

It goes down very well with Swedes, strangely enough.

- Swedes?

Ah, no, no, Barney.

Barney, surely, you mean turnips.

Haggis and turnips.

Never heard of haggis and swedes.

Have you, Ferdinand?

- Not swedes, no, that's a new one on me.

- I doubt they're even compatible.

Gastronomically speaking, like.

- No, I don't mean swedes.

I mean Swedes.

- [All] Oh!

Swedes he means.

(all mimicking speaking in foreign language) - Shut up!

Shut up!

All of you, shut up!

Mr. McIver, I'd like a word, please.

- [All] Ooh.

(Douglas sighs) - Mr. McIver, what am I gonna do?

- Well, the dishes, first of all.

And then you're going out after the night people.

- Night people?

- Yes.

There's poachers, after-hours drinkers, et cetera, et cetera.

Huh, over at Cnothan there's a pub called the Craic Na Duich.

And in there, they think the last orders were what Custer called at the Little Bighorn.

- What about that lot in there?

- Oh, you'll have to let them go to accommodate the night people.

- But I haven't processed them yet.

What with all the cookin' and stuff, not one of them.

- Don't worry.

They'll be doing exactly the same things tomorrow as they were doing today.

Barring Rory and Esme, of course.

Now, you can lift the night people, process them, let them out, or make them breakfast.

If you haven't processed them, then let them out.

Then you start with that lot again.

- Mr. McIver, I don't understand.

- Constable Duggan, you're involved in a war of attrition here.

They'll continue to flaunt the law just as long as they think you're not able to do the arresting, the processing, and the cooking and the washing up.

And, at the moment, they're right.

Now, what you have to do is get it down to a fine art, so that one day, you'll be able to arrest that lot, process them, get them out, get the night people in, process them, and get them out.

(Douglas gasps) Now, when you go into that Craic Na Duich at four, no, 4:30 in the morning, don't go in with handcuffs, Constable.

You go in there with a net.

Because there'll be dozens of them in there.

- Mr. McIver?

Do I have to do this every day, is that what happened to Macbeth?

- [John] I did say it wasn't going to be easy, Constable.

(door slamming) (all cheering) (gentle mysterious music) - No one's going to come in time, are they?

- No, somebody'll come.

- Optimism, Mr. Macbeth?

- Aye.

No, wait a minute, somebody will come!

(laughing) Aye.

Somebody'll come.

I'm sorry.

You just need to hang on.

(door clunking) (men snoring) (typewriter dings) - You're under arrest, and there will be no paella.

- Constable Duggan.

- Mr. McIver, what time is it?

- Oh, it's time you were makin' these people their breakfasts.

I'll go and get some eggs and stuff from Rory Campbell.

(dog barking) (tense music) - I'm looking for a man called John McIver.

- Aye, that's me.

(chuckles) Where did you come from?

Eh?

Where did you get this dog?

- From his owner.

I sold him a boat.

He also paid me to keep the dog overnight then bring him to you.

- He said he was heading due west.

- West?

Well, he could have changed course.

Especially if he wanted to keep his destination- - But if he didn't change course, Major.

(sheep bleating) I think he went to White Island.

(sheep bleating) He and Alex went sailing there sometimes, didn't they?

- Yes, yes.

So?

- Well, I think Macbeth intends doing himself harm there, Major.

- He'll have been there since yesterday, John.

- You'll have to trust me, Major.

But if Macbeth was dead, I think I would know.

- (sighs) John, I don't doubt your psychic talents, but it does seem questionable to me, the idea that Hamish intends to do himself in.

Isn't it just as likely that he's gone out there for some peace and quiet?

- And Wee Jock?

Why would he pay that man to bring the dog back here?

It makes no sense.

I'd like you to go there and bring him back if you can, Major.

- Me?

I've sold my boat, you know that.

- I've spoken to Barney Meldon.

He's discreet and he'll let you have his.

- You'll come with me, of course?

- Well, I've got my hands full- - Come on, John.

- With this relief man, Major.

But I'll make sure you have somebody with you.

- You are arrested for making sausages.

(truck engine rumbling) (Douglas sighs) You're nicked for the sausages.

- That's right.

And uh, what about him?

- Seems to me there's a two-tier legal system in operation here.

- Aye, if they're breakin' the law then so am I.

We'll see ourselves over to the station.

- Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Mr. McIver!

Mr. McIver!

(boat engine whirring) (gentle thoughtful music) - [Isobel] I thought it would be you.

- [John] I know, but I've got that Duggan to see to.

- [Isobel] John, the Major.

- Isobel.

- It'll be all right, Major.

It'll be all right.

In you go.

(gentle contemplative music) - [Major] Is John right, do you think?

About why Hamish went to the island?

- [Isobel] Yes.

- I feel so ashamed, Isobel.

- [Isobel] Of what?

(waves lapping) - Of not feeling as deeply as he does.

I was her father.

I should have felt her loss more than anyone.

- No, this isn't about loss, Major.

Hamish... Hamish began to see things differently.

He wanted to tell Alex, but didn't, or he couldn't.

Maybe if she'd known how he felt.

- How do you know all this?

How long had it been going on?

- It wasn't quite like that.

Though I do know his feelings had changed before Alex came back to Lochdubh.

He thought he owed it to her to make things work.

(sighs) If he made a mistake, it was that.

Was trying to be loyal.

Trying not to hurt her.

- [Douglas] Doctor!

- Constable.

You're looking a bit peaky.

Is there something I can do for you?

- Could you get me some Benzedrine, Doctor?

- I don't actually have any Benzedrine, Constable.

But if it's a wee lift you're looking for.

- Mrs. Carter, wake up!

(water splashing) (Belle gasps) You have got to stay awake.

Come on!

- Please, leave me.

I beg you.

- Waken up.

(gun blasting) Waken up!

(gun blasting) (belle gasps) - Well, if he is trying to kill himself, he must be an awful bad shot.

- Hurry, Major!

(gun blasting) - Do you wanna kill us?

Do you wanna kill us both?

Look, I am not gonna leave you.

You said you would hang on for us.

You said you would hang on for us both!

- [Isobel] Hamish!

Hamish!

- Do you hear that, Mrs. Carter?

They're here.

I said they would come and they did.

- [Isobel] Hamish!

- Stay there!

Where's your boat?

- It's back along the beach.

- Go back to it, get on the radio!

- We came in Barney's boat, Hamish.

No radio.

- Ba... Barney's boat, you stupid git.

- No, Hamish.

We've come to take you home.

- Isobel, look under the lady's foot, please.

- Are we going to be saved, Mr. Macbeth?

- Yeah, we are.

You just hang on.

You two might as well go.

- Hamish, you should get away from there.

- No.

I'm no' leavin' her.

- [Major] Look at her.

Even if we went for help now, it's too late, man.

- Oh, please.

Take him away from me.

- No!

No!

- Take him.

- Somethin'll turn up.

Somebody's gonna come.

- He won't leave her.

- [Major] Help will have to come sooner rather than later.

Isobel.

Go to the boat.

There's a tool chest in the stern.

Bring back the oil funnel and the basin bit, that's- - I know what it is.

- So.

What is the lady's name?

- It's Belle.

- Belle.

Belle.

I am Major Peregrine McLean, retired.

And I met this major once in the officers' mess, in, uh, Aden, I think it was.

And the point is, this major knew a great deal about mines.

In fact, Belle, this major was a bit of mine bore.

But he did tell me how to deal with a mine in terrain like this.

Now, are you with me?

Huh?

- Yes.

- Good, good.

Now, if I can drill a hole in the casing and pour in some sand, I can, perhaps, gum up the works, as it were.

But there are serious risks involved, Belle.

And what I have to know from you is, are you prepared to take 'em?

- If Mr. Macbeth agrees.

- You sure about this?

- Absolutely, I can give as much chance as Bomb Disposal.

- Okay then, do it.

- Good man.

Right.

Here we are.

(Douglas sniffing) - (laughing) Mr. McIver, come away here, my man.

Come in and check this stew-di-do-di-do.

(laughing) - You've seen the doc, then?

- A gentleman of the first water, Mr. McIver.

And Mr. McIver, looky here, in this wee potty.

That's paella.

Yes, sir.

Paella made by this here fella.

(laughing) I give you the rhyming policeman.

- [John] Is there something wrong, Constable?

- Ah, no, no, Mr. McIver.

Which is Spanish for no.

Nothing wrong except a strange desire to grind my teeth.

Well, make way, Mr. McIver.

Make way for the cooking policeman.

(sniffing) (Belle gasping) - Right.

- You do know that's a wood drill?

- It's all there is.

(tense music) - Well, it seems to be making an impression.

Peregrine.

- All right.

- Mm-hmm.

- [Major] Yes.

Right.

- [Hamish] Huh?

- Right.

- Okay?

- Right, that should do it.

- You better move away, Major.

- No, no, no.

No need, it's safe.

And anyway, you'll need a hand with her, Hamish.

- Okay.

- All right.

Right.

Mrs. Carter, (Belle whimpers) you can step off now.

Come on.

(Belle gasps) (Hamish yells) Wow.

There we are then.

That seems to be that.

- Well done, Major.

- Hamish, shall we?

Shall we?

- [Hamish] Yeah.

(Belle moaning) - You saved my life.

- Both our lives.

- Huh?

Yes, yes.

- You okay?

- Just very stiff.

- Hamish, could we hurry it up, please?

- Oh, what's the rush?

You've done it, man!

- Hamish, at the double.

- Wait a minute.

There wasnae any other major, was there?

- No.

- In any officers' mess?

- No.

- And you don't know anything about mines?

- Nothing.

- You're crazy... Get back!

- What, what is it?

- Get back!

(mine exploding) (Belle whimpers) - [Hamish] You could've been killed.

- Yeah, well.

I had to get you away from there.

- You could've been killed!

Oh, my God, you could've been killed.

- But I wasn't.

And neither were you.

Thank God.

And Hamish, there's nothing you can tell me that'll change my mind about that.

Now, will you come home with us, man?

(gentle sparse music) (birds squawking) - Mr. McIver!

Mr. McIver, they're saying it again.

- What's that, Constable?

- The Caucasians are saying I didn't put salt in the tatties.

The Spanish are saying there aren't enough prawns in the paella.

- You can forget all that now, Constable.

Macbeth's in that wee boat out there.

And something tells me that when he steps ashore, he's gonna be raring to go.

- Oh, hurray for Hamish Macbeth.

What about me?

I've failed here.

- Well, we won't say anything if you don't.

And you know, it's the wise man that learns by his mistakes, Constable Duggan.

Have you ever heard of Duncan McCulloch, MBE?

He's an assistant commissioner with the Metropolitan Police now.

- Well, of course, I've heard of him.

He's number one man in community relations.

He's written books on the subject.

Mr. McIver.

He's not?

- The man before the man- - [Both] Before Macbeth.

- Come away and I'll tell you all about him, Douglas.

(gentle thoughtful music) - [Belle] Tell me about this place you live in.

- [Hamish] It's called Lochdubh.

- [Belle] Would I like it there?

- Aye, you would love it there.

You would love it.

Thank God for you, Belle Carter.

(birds cawing) (upbeat folk music)