[ Birds chirping ] [ Vehicle door closes ] [ Engine turns over ] [ Vehicle departs ] I'm house-sitting.

Until the auction next week.

Looking after potential house buyers.

They grunt.

You show them things, and they just grunt.

"Hmm."

You show them a unique marble fireplace.

"Hmm."

You show them some Bossányi armorial stained glass.

"Hmm."

You show them a statue of Diana and Actaeon, some Vassalli rococo plasterwork, Elizabethan oak paneling with linenfold decoration.

They just grunt.

Suppose you're wondering what's in it for me, eh?

A value-added scam.

Yeah, but he doesn't pay VAT.

We're taking other dealers' stock and showing it in Felsham Hall.

Thereby adding value.

Yeah, but the auction's in a few days.

-Jane wouldn't mind, Eric.

-No, but the auctioneers might.

What, Cavendish & Son?

For a crate of whiskey, old Sam Cavendish would let you stable a herd of elephants in the master bedroom.

Yeah, but the question is, can he sell Felsham Interiors as a going concern?

Course, I blame you, Lovejoy.

You should never have let Jane go in the first place.

-[ Knocking on door ] -MAN: Hello?

You should have talked to her, tried to stop her.

-Eric.

-Excuse me.

Yes?

You say you have this table here for generations?

Yes.

It was a gift to the family from Beau Brummell.

Hmm.

I'll take it.

Now, is that 800 marks or £800, Lord Felsham?

ERIC: [ Clears throat ] Guineas, actually.

LOVEJOY: And here, Mr. Crawley, from the drawing room, you have a magnificent view of the great copper beech and... -CRAWLEY: Huh?

-LOVEJOY: You grunted.

Huh?

You grunted at the view.

Sorry.

You also grunted at the unique marble fireplace and the armorial glass.

Sorry.

You won't like the statue of Diana and Actaeon or the Vassalli plasterwork.

What do you like?

Attics.

Oh.

Come on, then.

You wouldn't like to grunt at some Elizabethan oak paneling on the way, would you?

No, I just want to see whether it's suitable for loft conversion.

Why would anyone want to do that to a beautiful Queen Anne house?

Increase office space, of course.

If Felsham Hall's gonna be my company's new headquarters, I'll need all the office space I can get.

-What business are you in?

-Loft conversion.

I'm the biggest loft converter in East Anglia, not to mention stone cladding or double glazing.

This is a listed building, you know?

It's not what you know, it's who you know.

TINKER: This isn't a display.

It's a jumble sale.

ERIC: I mean, what goes with a Queen Anne chair?

Well, those don't, for a start.

We should spread it around a little.

ERIC: It's still got to be in sympathy with the decor, though, hasn't it?

I mean, you can't have a Regency desk up against rococo boiserie, can you?

It's a type of wall paneling.

Oh, yes, I-I know what it is, Eric.

There just isn't any of it in this house.

You didn't tell me it had been converted already.

In 1790, when they added the cornice.

Hmm!

There were some cowboys about in the 18th century.

You call these dormer windows?

Take out the solid parapet, you'd get another hundred square foot of space.

-[ Knocking on door ] -Tinker!

Oh, struth!

I'll do it myself.

All right, all right!

-Yes?

-Mr. Lovejoy?

Uh, no, I'm Eric Catchpole.

I'm his interior-design consultant.

Camilla Alfreston.

I've come about a commode.

R-- Eh?

CRAWLEY: Yes, well... LOVEJOY: "I knew you'd find this eventually.

Don't forget me.

Love, Jane."

-[ Glass clinking ] -[ Chuckling ] Good Lord.

We've done a whole Moet.

ALEXANDER: Jane?

What are you doing?

I'm in the attic, Alexander.

Drinking champagne with a total stranger.

Funny place to keep champagne, in the attic.

It's a gift from a friend.

Well, it's a bit early in the day, but I think I could force something down.

I think I can too.

The stairs are this way.

Louis XVI.

Ormolu.

Some kind of veneer.

Flaking with age.

Marble top.

Probably not Riesener.

Possibly Foulet.

Well, it's the funniest-looking commode I've ever seen.

"Commode" is French for "convenient."

It just means a useful piece of furniture.

Oh, right.

Like when we use the word "convenience."

[ Laughing ] Convenience.

Sorry.

[ Laughs ] There's one thing I can't quite place.

The color of this veneer.

Well, perhaps it's ebony.

But ebony doesn't fade to brown.

Well, perhaps it isn't wood veneer at all.

Perhaps it's something completely different, like horn.

TINKER: There's an easy way to find out.

How?

Well, horn gives off a terrible smell when you burn it.

Oh!

Struth!

There's your proof.

Ha.

-So it is ebony.

-Eh?

What about the smell?

Varnish.

That would account for the color.

Yeah, but you can't prove it's not horn, can you?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, yes, I can.

In two ways.

One, it isn't a snuffbox.

It would take a whole herd of rhinoceros to cover a thing this size with horn.

-And two... -It's a reproduction.

Precisely.

-[ Dogs barking ] -MAN: You'll get your money.

I'm about to come into a sizable fortune.

Of course I'm not betting with anyone else.

-I can't afford it.

-[ Barking continues ] It's the family business.

We're disposing of assets.

[ Dog yelping ] Honestly!

Did it sound like a greyhound?

Camilla!

Can you do something about those damn dogs?!

Um, Camilla's gone out, dear.

It's her day for antiques.

-Then why didn't she take you?

-No, I'm all right.

My son-in-law's around here somewhere.

I'm right here.

Uh, sorry about this, Tommy.

You'll have to wait, I'm afraid.

Um, he's on the telephone.

What the hell are you doing?

There's a man for you.

Rather coarse.

Yes.

Yes, it's me.

No, just my mother-in-law.

Have you been listening to this?

One of them's a bookmaker.

Uh, look, I'll -- I'll have to get back to you.

Do you realize what you've done?

That bloodsucking swine could ruin me!

MAN ON TELEPHONE: Who are you calling a bloodsucking swine?!

[ Shouting indistinctly ] Yes, well, I once knew a Lady Alfreston.

She organized the local Land Girls during the war.

-That's Mummy.

-Really?

You must have been a late baby, Camilla.

Maybe I'm just older than I look.

Unlike your furniture.

How did you know it's a reproduction so quickly?

The top matches the base.

It's still a beautiful piece, though.

What's it modeled on?

An Antoine Foulet at the Wallace Collection.

-Did you make it yourself?

-I run my own workshop.

I was hoping you could show a few pieces for me.

Sale or return.

We take 20%.

Fine.

I'll deliver in the morning.

Hang on.

Haven't we got enough to deal with as it is?

TINKER: Yes, but you've got to admit it does add something to the room.

It's a fake.

Reproduction, Eric.

Well, how does that add value?

I don't see the attraction.

And you ruin the whole display if one piece is out of place.

You're right.

Would you like to make a cup of tea, Eric?

TINKER: [ Chuckles ] CAMILLA: We agreed sale or return.

Lovejoy did the deal himself.

[ Laughs ] Hook, line, and sinker.

LOVEJOY: You didn't grunt.

Huh?

You didn't grunt at the façade.

Are you kidding?

It is magnificent.

It'd be a real honor to own a piece of genuine heritage like this.

I just, uh, worry about the auction.

Eh, think of it as a poker game.

With higher stakes.

I'm just a farm boy from Wyoming, Lovejoy.

I -- I never did ride the poker trail.

LOVEJOY: You really like it, don't you?

EWELL: Mm.

It's all I could ever want.

-Wait till you see inside.

-I don't want to see inside.

Why not?

'Cause all I want's the façade.

Don't tell me you're gonna ship it back to your ranch in Wyoming.

No.

I'm gonna bring my ranch here.

Ormolu.

On some kind of veneer.

Yes.

Ah.

Yeah, flaking with age.

Oh, marble top.

Matching base.

How much?

It's not a Riesener, Charlie.

Horn?

No, no.

Varnish.

Of course.

The original finish would have been marquetry.

Huh?

But this piece has obviously been reveneered in ebony to suit the, uh, fashion of the 19th century.

Yes, the varnish has yellowed with age, and the veneer's turned brown.

Restored to its original black and gold, I would say this piece would fetch a nice price in New York.

CHARLOTTE: Except the top matches the base.

And what's wrong with that?

Why go to all the trouble of getting a beautiful black finish if you're going to spoil it with a brown marble top?

I'll be damned.

They would have replaced that too.

In black.

Or white.

Marquetry is hard to fake, but ebony is easy.

Then you just sit back and wait for someone clever enough to come along and make the right wrong connections.

So this piece is a... -A reproduction.

-Mm.

Fresh out of the workshop.

Flaking with age, eh, Lovejoy?

Lovejoy?

This is a Regency rosewood card table, madam, with guinea pockets.

A gift to the 14th earl from Beau Brummell.

WOMAN: What about the organ?

Ah, yes, the organ.

Now, that has been in the family for generations.

Handel himself used to give Lady Fitzpercy lessons.

Do they have provenances?

Only their long association with the hall itself.

Ah, excuse me.

-What are you doing?

-Valuing it.

-For what?

-For the inventory, of course.

-What inventory?

-The inventory for the auction.

I thought Cavendish & Son were handling the sale.

-We are.

-So where's Sam?

My father has retired.

And if he's sloppy enough to leave a house full of furniture off the inventory, it's not a moment too soon.

It says Cavendish & Son.

Where's the son?

I'm the daughter.

Who's this?

Beau Brummell?

This furniture is not part of the house.

CHARLOTTE: What?

When he implied that it was, he -- He was lying?

Look, I'm warehousing it for a friend for a few days.

You're running a value-added scam.

It's an empty house.

Sam wouldn't have minded.

But I do.

And I'm the auctioneer.

I want this furniture out.

And then I want you out.

[ Laughing ] They say she's a first-rate auctioneer.

And what would you expect from a daughter of Sam Cavendish?

TINKER: An open palm.

CHARLIE: Oh, that's true.

Sam was always prepared to listen to reason, providing it crackled.

LOVEJOY: Do you think it's in the blood?

CHARLIE: Only if you can freeze it.

She trained at Christie's, you know, Lovejoy.

How long was she there?

Just long enough to get snapped up by the New York branch of Sotheby's.

TINKER: You mean we're taking on the fine-art establishment of the entire Western world?

CHARLIE: I predict a knockout in round three.

-LOVEJOY: To who?

-The one with the gavel.

Your interior-design consultant won't take any more of my stock.

-My who?

-ERIC: Lovejoy!

Oh.

Look, I can't take any more of this stuff.

I haven't got time to check it over.

What for?

Woodworm?

It's only 20 minutes old, Eric.

Yeah, but we've got enough on our hands with the real stuff.

I-I can't be bothering with reproductions.

Eric, I made a deal with this lady, and I'm gonna stick to it.

Yeah, but it'll be out of place, Lovejoy.

It isn't even distressed.

They're not doing business with you, Eric.

But... Camilla, sorry to keep you.

It will not happen again.

Oh, that's quite all right.

I wasn't doing anything for dinner anyway.

It's not even lunchtime.

I'm still not doing anything for dinner.

Kate.

Don't tell me they're changing secretaries as well.

Lovejoy.

Haven't seen you for years.

No, darling, they had to keep me.

I'm the only one who understands Sam's accounts.

So Miss Moneypenny survives even though old 0077's retired.

Lovejoy, if Sam were James Bond, the KGB would have taken over years ago.

They've recruited his daughter, though.

Charlotte's a lovely, hardworking girl.

She's just what this firm needs.

Of course, she's still finding her feet.

Oh, I found them.

Right there.

Is Rosa Klebb in, by the way?

Oh, I wouldn't go in just now.

Don't worry about me, Kate.

Peace offering.

CHARLOTTE ON P.A.

: £300.

-Do I hear £300?

-[ Soft music playing ] 300.

350?

400.

450?

500.

550?

600.

650?

700.

750?

800.

Done.

Lot number 12.

Staffordshire lion under a flowering tree.

Formerly one of a pair.

Who'll start me off at £300?

Done!

How about the other one?

Lovejoy.

And what brings you here?

[ Sighs ] I can't resist a bargain.

I take it you heard what was going on?

Yeah.

Don't be shy on my account.

Practice makes perfect.

We're testing the acoustics.

[ Music volume increases ] Are you gonna auction to music?

[ Volume decreases ] What did you say?

I said, are you going to auction to music?

It's very popular in the States.

Aren't you thinking of supermarkets?

I'm thinking of sales.

If we had a loading bay and another two floors we could take delivery of antiques from all over Europe.

Here's one from France.

I don't take bribes.

Thank you, Barry.

I'm at Felsham Hall with Jane Felsham's permission.

Send her the champagne, then.

She gave it me.

So you even deal in secondhand bribes.

Was there anything else?

You've, um, got a fax here, you know?

Junk mail.

Definitely male.

Definitely junked.

I know how he feels.

What did he do?

Squeeze from the wrong end of the tube?

It's none of your business.

Nothing is where you're concerned, not even my own business.

Look, if you're auctioning a house and you find it's full of rubbish, you put the rubbish out.

Well, lucky old Jonathan.

When do I get the chance to "miss you madly"?

Soon!

Fax me.

Look at these homes in Southwold.

Look at this lovely house by the sea.

Mm.

Who lives there?

You could.

That's what I'm telling you.

No, dear.

No.

I live here with you and Camilla.

I bet you don't know who you live with half the time.

I don't gamble.

This house is too big for you!

You get lost going from the sofa to the coffee table!

-I can't remember that.

-You don't remember anything!

At least at those places you'd have a trained staff.

They know how to deal with people like you!

What, people that don't like Southwold?

I wonder if they have old people's homes in the Orkneys.

But who would manage this estate?

I would.

In that case, I don't think you should bother with these.

It's not a good time to buy, dear.

We don't want you to buy it.

Just move in.

[ Laughs ] Oh, no.

I'm much too old to be a squatter.

It's a retirement home, for God's sake!

If you won't do it for me, do it for Camilla.

Has Camilla retired?

Oh, dear.

It seems only yesterday I was at her wedding.

Not to me.

Were you there too?

Of course I was there too.

I'm her husband!

Well, why do you want to move to Southwold?

[ Doorbell rings ] [ Vehicle approaching ] Customs and Excise.

We've had an anonymous tip that somebody's using this building for business.

We'd like to inspect the premises and see the books.

We think it might be a VAT scam.

You know, I've just come to collect a bill.

What, is he still away, is he?

Either that or he's out in his pickup.

Yeah.

If you see him, tell him we'll be back tomorrow!

We've got to move all the stuff out of the house.

What?

The charming Miss Cavendish has shopped us to the VAT.

They're coming back tomorrow.

Yeah, but where are we supposed to put it?!

Now what?

Yeah.

Love to help you guys.

-Well, where are you going?

-I've got a dinner date.

[ Chamber music playing ] MAN: Madam.

Good evening.

CAMILLA: No more wine for me.

I have an important delivery tomorrow to Felsham Hall.

I'd have a lie-in if I was you.

I've got to be out all morning.

VAT people want to see me.

It'd be so much more convenient if they came to you, wouldn't it?

Well, they are.

[ Both laugh ] Lovejoy.

Twice in one day.

What a delight.

Ah.

Um, Charlotte Cavendish, this is a business associate of mine.

Now, now, Lovejoy.

We agreed we wouldn't discuss business over dinner.

By "associate," I take it you mean someone who dumps furniture at my client's house?

You must be the auctioneer Lovejoy's been talking to me about.

If you've any property at Felsham Hall, you might like to reclaim it before the bailiffs do.

Would you excuse me?

Miss Cavendish, may I see you a moment, please?

Excuse us, sir, just a moment.

Thank you.

-Is everything all right?

-Everything is fine, Tom.

You reported me to the VAT.

Sorry.

Had to think of the firm's reputation.

What about my reputation?

No problem.

They'd never heard of you.

You could have put me out of business.

Now, I could understand if there was a reason, but we are total strangers.

Not quite, Lovejoy.

I've been finding out a few things about you.

You've no bank account, no fixed abode, and no visible means of support.

So you found out a load of nothings.

And you've got a criminal record.

Well, so?

You've got five A levels, a Cambridge First, a degree from the Courtauld Institute, a New York apartment, and you speak five languages.

So?

So we're not total strangers.

I hear you claim to be a bit of a divvy.

I don't claim it.

It's a fact.

Prove it to me.

Divvy something.

-Oh, om-ni-om-ni -- We're in a restaurant!

What do you need?

A crystal ball and a pair of gypsy earrings?

I'll tell you something about your earrings.

24-karat gold, English, about 1890, with a single Burmese pearl.

Did they come in a leather pouch about the size of a matchbox?

Where did you get them from?

I inherited them from my grandmother.

Ah.

Any fool can recognize Victorian jewelry.

Except they're not earrings.

So, what are they?

Candlesticks?

Nipple rings.

All the rage in the 1890s.

My grandmother didn't mention anything about that.

Would you wear them if she had?

I suddenly feel everyone's looking at me.

Well, they probably are.

I mean, they're extremely valuable.

Complete pair of sleepers and pearls.

Adds thousands to the value.

Perhaps now you'll stop trying to bankrupt me, hmm?

Let's not rush things.

-Who was your friend?

-Was?

[ Sighs ] Bring me the bill, Tom.

The lady paid on her way out.

-Oh.

-She didn't leave a tip.

Hmm!

[ Sighs ] [ Snoring ] [ Knock on door ] [ Knocking ] I was just passing, and I thought I'd check up on a few -- I could call 'round tomorrow if it's not inconvenient.

[ Birds chirping ] [ Knocking on door ] WOMAN ON RADIO: ...usual traffic building up on the M25 between junction 28, that's the A12... We have an appointment to see the house.

LOVEJOY: And this is the yellow room.

Notice how empty it is.

[ Both inhale and exhale slowly ] You seem very proud of the place's emptiness.

Yes, it is.

It is very empty, isn't it?

Make sure you tell that to Miss Cavendish when you see her.

Still, all this emptiness is an advantage to us.

There's no better way to assess a building's karma.

-Oh, karma?

-Absolutely.

If we're going to make Felsham Hall our new meditation center, we want to be sure that it has the right karma.

The wrong karma, you see, could interfere with our yogic flying.

Oh, yogic flying.

[ Both inhale deeply ] [ Knocking on door ] LOVEJOY: All right!

How dare you shut the door in the face of a buyer?

You've gone too far this time, Lovejoy!

I hope all your stock's gone.

You're not wearing your earrings.

John?

Bill?

We'll leave that in here till the auction.

Thank you.

Just a minute.

You're the VAT men.

Pity you can't divvy people, Lovejoy.

That bloody auctioneer woman's here again.

She's got a nerve, seeing as she shopped you to the VAT men.

That's just it.

She didn't shop me to the VAT men, did she?

-Eh?

-No, she scammed me.

There never were any VAT men.

It was just to get us to clear the house, wasn't it?

-Us?

-But it's not gonna work, is it?

No, because you are gonna fill it up again, and I'm gonna get some more stuff.

What?

Ow.

[ Cat meows ] Oh, God.

Tinker!

Tinker!

Tinker!

Thanks, guys.

[ Spits ] [ Groans ] [ Sighs ] Ah, Lovejoy.

That Alfreston woman's just dropped off another load!

-Is that one of the pieces?

-Yeah, yeah.

Look at it all.

I don't know what they see in it.

It's only reproduction.

And it's not up to the standard of her other work, if you ask me.

I mean, look at this veneer.

It doesn't even reach the edge.

Camilla sent all this?

Yeah.

Well, don't you recognize it?

This is just like the other one.

Well, not quite, Eric.

This one's 200 years old.

Eh?

But you said that 'cause the top matched the base it was a repro.

In that case it was.

This stuff... ...is the real thing.

What, all of it's genuine?

[ Laughs ] Well, no wonder it's selling well.

[ Laughs ] You sold some of it?

How much is gone?

Well, about this much again.

Eric, you idiot!

You have just lost a fortune.

Hey, don't blame me.

It was all priced up when it arrived, and I didn't have time to check it.

Anyway, you told me not to.

I didn't know she was sending us half the Palace of Versailles, did I?

Well, you shouldn't be so trusting.

Maybe she was using these to copy from and got 'em mixed up.

Nobody would be that stupid, would they?

Nobody except you.

You better phone the dealers who bought the stuff and tell them there's been a mistake.

Oh, thanks a bunch.

And they're gonna say, "Have it back," aren't they?

If they don't, I'll send you to work for them.

Ha ha ha.

And what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna tell Camilla about the mistake.

Hello, Lovejoy.

Are you back?

So, it lives.

Lovely Empire chairs.

Oh, God.

-[ Birds chirping ] -[ Dogs barking ] GEOFFREY: Chairs!

Chairs!

There used to be chairs here!

Surely you remember that?

10 of them!

Eight singles and two Carvers!

They were here this morning!

Yes, 'round the table.

Right.

We're getting somewhere.

If we could find the bloody table!

Do you realize how long those chairs have been in your family?

I-I think Father had them.

130 years!

Even longer than you, you crazy old bat.

How would you like it if we sold you to a rag-and-bone man?

No need to shout at the lady, you know?

Who the hell are you?

Think I might be able to help you.

Not unless you can cure senility.

This daft old woman's just sold the finest collection of family furniture in England!

For next to nothing.

To some crook called Lovejoy.

I keep telling you, Godfrey... Geoffrey.

My name is Geoffrey!

I've been married to your daughter for 15 years, and you can't even remember my name!

I keep telling you I don't know any... Who?

Lovejoy!

Lovejoy?

I'm Lovejoy.

Oh!

Hello!

We've just been talking about you.

I don't know how you've got the damn nerve to show your face in this house after what you've done!

I suppose it's some sort of accomplishment in your business, is it?!

What do you call it, a sting?!

A mistake.

Now, if I could just speak to Camilla...

Yes, of course!

Camilla will explain everything.

Camilla!

[ Dogs barking ] Camilla!

Yes?

MAN: Just run this past me one more time.

Let's get this straight.

You say the furniture was delivered by Lady Alfreston's daughter?

No, no.

By someone I thought was Lady Alfreston's daughter.

Because you'd never seen the real Camilla before in your life.

That's right.

This other Camilla just happened to have a truckload of Lady Alfreston's belongings.

No, I didn't know that either.

All right, then.

A truckload of 18th-century antiques which you, hmm, bought -- -Was that a grunt?

-I'm sorry?

[ Chuckles ] No.

I didn't buy them.

I took 'em on sale or return.

At less than 1% of their value.

I thought they were reproductions.

Then I realized they weren't reproductions, so I gave them back.

To the same Lady Alfreston whom you had no idea was the owner.

-No, her daughter.

-Who didn't know you from Adam.

That's right.

How much have you made out of all of this?

Nothing.

Lady Alfreston's lost her furniture, the insurance company's lost a fortune.

Even the mysterious Camilla who is not Camilla has lost if these were your sale prices.

No "if" about them.

There's no truth in it either, is there?

According to you, no one's made a penny out of all this.

You've just disappeared a lot of priceless goods to keep your saleroom ticking over.

What were they?

A loss leader?

You bought the stuff direct from the old lady.

You ripped her off and then flogged them on at a huge profit and then invented this fake daughter to cover your tracks!

-You gonna charge me?

-I have a witness.

Are you gonna charge me?

Just as soon as I can get Lady Alfreston to remember who you are and who she is... ...you'll be back.

Tom, the woman who didn't give you a tip... Huh?

You forgot to give me her credit card slip.

-Did I?

-Yeah.

-What do you want that for?

-Her name.

You should get 'em to wear a badge, Lovejoy.

-[ Dogs barking ] -LOVEJOY: Camilla!

Camilla!

I brought some of your furniture back.

I'm not sure I should accept it after what you did to Mummy.

I explained to the police -- I'm as much a victim as you are.

How do I know it's ours?

Do you think I make a habit of giving away other people's Louis XVI furniture?

All right.

I'll take it.

Only don't tell Geoffrey.

Camilla, do you know a Mrs. Webb?

I don't think so.

She's the woman who gave me your mother's furniture.

It still doesn't ring a bell.

Well, could she have worked for the estate?

You'd have to ask Geoffrey.

My husband's in charge of everything now.

But he's out.

Do you think your mother would know?

-Well, that's... -Could I ask her?

...a little difficult, I'm afraid.

She's not here anymore.

Where is she?

Lady Alfreston?

Hello!

Lovejoy!

Lady Alfreston, you remembered.

No.

No, I can't remember anything.

I just knew.

I'm senile, you see?

That is why I'm here.

Well, you seem perfectly rational to me.

Hmm.

But I don't let it show in front of other people.

Well, not so far, anyway.

Touch wood.

[ Both chuckle ] Come in!

I don't think anyone's there, Lady Alfreston.

Ah, but I can't trust what you say.

You swindled me, didn't you?

Are you sure that's what really happened?

Of course I am.

Camilla told me.

Am I in the wrong room?

No, no, no.

This is your room.

Then why did I knock?

Lady Alfreston, do you remember selling me any furniture?

No, I do not.

I wouldn't dream of doing business with a swindler.

The police think you did.

Oh, I've no memory of that.

But then [Chuckles] I'm senile, you see?

Oh, dear.

I think I've told you that already, haven't I?

Lady Alfreston, do you know any friends of Camilla's or -- or Geoffrey's?

Let me think.

Geoffrey, Geoffrey, Geoffrey.

-Geoffrey... -Your son-in-law.

[ Chuckles ] Yes.

Yes, of course.

Oh, how stupid of me.

Do -- Do you know if he knew a Mrs. Webb?

Mrs. Webb?

Missus... Well, you know, it's all so difficult with these names when you're 85.

And you say that, um... Who is this Lovejoy?

Oh, no, no.

That's my name.

Oh, yes, yes.

And I just wondered if Geoffrey, your son-in-law, had ever mentioned a Mrs. Webb.

Oh, dear me.

Webb.

-Mrs. Webb.

-No, no, Lady Alfreston.

I'm sorry I disturbed you.

Please, please, forget I said anything.

Um, just a minute.

Just a minute, Mr. Lovejoy.

Yeah?

What was Geoffrey's mistress' name, hmm?

Mrs. Webb?

Geoffrey's been carrying on for years.

Lady Alfreston knew all about it but didn't want to say anything to her daughter because she thought it would break her heart.

That doesn't prove he stole the furniture.

She gave me a description of who he'd been carrying on with.

TINKER: Camilla?

No, no, Mrs. Webb.

A description?

Well, she can't be that gaga, then.

Lady Alfreston is as sane... ...as she ever was.

She didn't give her furniture away.

No, but if her son-in-law could make out that she had, he could claim that she was senile.

And spend all her money on his mistress.

And his gambling debts.

I couldn't figure out who profited.

-But now I know.

-[ Vehicle approaching ] Geoffrey doesn't mind giving away antique furniture as long as he gets control of the estate.

The only one who loses out is poor old Lady Alfreston.

Well, and her daughter.

And me.

You'll have to go to the police, Lovejoy.

-[ Vehicle door closes ] -No, you won't.

Got a fatal attraction to other people's houses, haven't we, Lovejoy?

-What do you mean?

-The retirement home.

A man answering to your description was seen entering Lady Alfreston's room.

If you're not gonna charge me, you're wasting your time.

If you weren't so guilty, you wouldn't try to nobble my chief witness.

Has Lady Alfreston made a complaint?

She's too gone in the head.

You know that better than I do.

I went to see Lady Alfreston to see if she knew a Mrs. Webb.

-Who?

-Mrs. Webb.

That's the name the woman used who impersonated Camilla.

Oh, she's gone alias now, has she?

I bet you and Lady Alfreston had a high old time.

You see people who don't exist.

She can't see the ones who do.

She's sane.

Yeah, well, it's perfectly logical, isn't it?

A woman with no face and two names.

She describes her face perfectly.

It belongs to her son-in-law's mistress.

Well, why would he want to convince people that his mother-in-law was selling furniture off for next to nothing?

To convince people like you that she's insane so he can get control of the estate.

Assuming this reproduction Camilla really exists.

-Yeah, Mrs. Webb.

-Hmm.

Yeah, well, are you gonna charge me?

Hmm?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm moving all this furniture into storage.

You can't be trusted.

It was you that lied to me.

You never set the VAT on me.

-I was doing you a favor.

-Well, don't do me any more.

Where have you been all day?

You've found out everything else about me.

Work it out for yourself.

I see.

In trouble with the police.

Well, you needn't think I'm paying to store your goods.

I shall bill you.

In that case, hold everything, lads!

I'll store it myself.

-Won't we?

-We?

Just make sure they're gone by this time tomorrow.

This time tomorrow I could be in jail.

It won't help.

I shall just bill your suppliers.

I have a friend in the police who's traced them all from their license plates.

I'm sure they're not registered for VAT.

All?

Yes.

Traced them all?

Including your charming dinner companion with her tasteful Louis XVI reproductions.

Terrific!

GEOFFREY: Power of attorney.

-So the estate's yours.

-Ours!

Now I can sign the checks.

You're my sleeping partner.

I even got the furniture back.

That only leaves your divorce.

Be suspicious to rush things.

And you're sure the old lady's past caring?

She's not gonna get lonely or anything?

Course not.

Couple of years, I'll stick the wife in with her.

To premature senility.

To us.

Camilla.

Meet Camilla.

I'm impressed.

To clear a house this big, that's a lot of work for three people.

-Three?!

-Yeah, it would have been.

You sure it's empty?

To the floorboards.

So don't try claiming anything after the new owners move in.

Thanks for clearing out.

What did you do with it all?

I didn't ask you what you've done with your earrings, did I?

No.

-Wouldn't tell you anyway.

-No?

Neither will I.

Thanks for helping trace Camilla.

You got me out of a lot of trouble.

It won't happen again.

I, uh, wouldn't be too sure about that.

HM Customs and Excise.

We hear there's an unregistered business in these premises.

This house is empty.

Down to the floorboards.

[ Engine turns over ] [ Birds chirping ] Oh, the flowers are beautiful, Godfrey.

Thank you so much.

Mummy, this is Lovejoy.

Geoffrey's going to prison.

Whatever you think best, dear.

I'm divorcing him.

Well, he was having an affair, you know?

I know, Mummy.

He was trying to have you declared unfit to manage the estate.

I love dogs!

I've always loved them.

I used to have some.

I don't know what became of them.

Mummy, they're yours.

I think we should find them a good home.

Yes, but don't send them here, dear.

They don't even take us for walks.

Come on, Mummy, let's go.

-Yes, I'd like that.

-Thank you, Lovejoy.

LADY ALFRESTON: Oh, there is one thing I'd like to ask you, Mr. Lovejoy.

What's that, Lady Alfreston?

Um, why did you steal my furniture?

Hmm?

CHARLOTTE: I'm pleased to announce the sale of Felsham Hall, built in 1720 by Sir William Cordell, seat of the Lords Felsham since 1721 and lovingly maintained by them until recently.

ERIC: Well, look on the bright side.

Some of those loft conversions these days can be very stylish.

I'll convert your loft in a minute.

A Queen Anne period house of rich red brick, believed to be Dutch.

Walling is of cream-colored stock.

[ Jackhammer pounding ] Pilaster strips alternate with downpipes bearing the family crest.

TINKER: What if that terrible American buys it?

Well, at least we'll know the façade's safe.

A great copper beech, one of the largest in the county, stands to the right of the front gates.

At one end of the terrace an old ruined folly stands on a mound which is currently being replanted.

Mind you, those yogic fliers are nice guys, you know?

They say they're gonna put the house back to its original condition.

Yes, with a landing pad for UFOs.

[ Laughs ] Ladies and gentlemen, who will open the bidding for me at £700,000?

Do I have £700,000?

Thank you, sir.

Do I have 750?

750.

800.

850.

Do I have £900,000, ladies and gentlemen?

900.

1 million.

CHARLOTTE: 1 million.

1.1.

1.2.

Thank you, sir.

1.3.

I have 1.3 bidding against you, sir.

£1.5 million.

CHARLOTTE: Any advance on £1,500,000?

I have £1,750,000 on the telephone at the back.

Bidding against you, sir.

I am selling, ladies and gentlemen, at £1,750,000.

Going once.

Twice.

Sold to the gentleman at the back on the telephone.

Thank you.

Oh, I hope it's an aristocrat.

Well?

CHARLIE: Oh, yes, Miss Cavendish, I've got big, big plans for Felsham Hall.

Ah!

Lovejoy.

You play your cards right, you can be part of them.

I'd rather take up yogic flying.

That's a great pity.

That's a great shame.

It makes me very sad.

However, my sadness is tinged with some pleasure.

You're fired.

-What?

-You can't sack us!

Felsham Interiors was sold as a going concern.

That's right.

And you're going.

But you can't just chuck us out of our workshops!

Where are we gonna put our stock?

Where did you put the stuff you had in the house?

LOVEJOY: It's in storage.

Charlie, you cannot kick them out.

All right, Lovejoy.

I'll do you a deal.

If you pay rent -- if you pay rent -- I might give you use of, um...

The stables might make a good antiques warehouse.

If they're in good condition.

CHARLIE: Yes.

And if you lend me use of the boys whenever I need them.

And don't use the front entrance.

It's a deal, Charlie.

This calls for champagne.

Yes.

Mm.

JANE: I think I like you, Lovejoy.

We were wondering where you had got to.

CHARLIE: Lovejoy?

What are you doing up there?

Drinking champagne, Charlie.

With a total stranger.