(bright music) (gunshot fires) (glass shatters) - [Eric] Morning, Tinker!

- Good morning to you, sir!

- [Eric] Beautiful day.

(bicycle bell dings) - God's in his heaven and all is right with the world!

(Eric laughs) Stick the cattle on.

- [Eric] Lovejoy!

♪ DayO ♪ ♪ DayO ♪ ♪ Daylight come and you gotta g♪ (off-tune bugle sounds) - Shut up, Eric!

(loud bang on door) - Come on, Lovejoy, rise and sh!

- Oft when the white still dawn lifted the skies and pushed the hills apart, I have felt the newborn morning like a glory in my heart!

(off-tune bugle sounds) - [Lovejoy] Shut up, Tinker!

- Come on, Lovejoy, shake a leg.

We're supposed to be at the Kiveton mega antique and auto jumble sale, and they're letting the trade in at nine o'clock.

- [Lovejoy] I don't wanna go, go without me!

Take Miriam, the cash is in the toilet roll dispenser!

I never wanna see another mega antique fair as long as I live!

- I know how you feel, Lovejoy.

Sleep, it is gentle thing beloved from pole to pole.

- And Hungarian to Hungarian and Czech to Czech.

And me, I'm depressed, Tinker.

I like it here, I want to stay d for the rest of my life, good n. (birds chirp) - Ah, you're just in time 'cause Lovejoy's taken to his bed and he won't get up.

- [Janey] Good morning, Eric.

- [Eric] Oh sorry, good morning.

(Tinker hums) (Lovejoy grumbles) - Morning, Lovejoy!

(Lovejoy grumbles) Listen, I have to go to Portsmo.

I promised Vera I'd take her th.

You remember my old housekeeper.

She's a widow and she'd never get there on her own, and so I thought perhaps you mie to drive us down there.

You can't stay here all day.

- Come on, Lovejoy!

A day at the seaside will do you the world of good.

- Yeah, go on, Lovejoy.

See the Victory, plate of whelks, kiss me quick at- - [Lovejoy] I hate whelks!

- It's just that Vera is a bit d and I really would prefer to sit in the back with her.

It's lovely day out there.

(loud bugle tune) (Lovejoy yells in fright) - Your call, sir!

(whimsical music) (Vera sniffles) (indistinct chatter) (men laugh) (gulls cawing) (car door slams shut) - Janey.

What's going on?

- Vera's brother was a submarin, Terrence Bucknell.

He's being buried at sea.

- A funeral?

You got me to drive all the way down here for a fun?

How could you do this to me, Ja?

- You're not going to the funer.

You were kind enough to drive us down here.

Now, look, it's a beautiful day.

You can spend the next two hours doing whatever you want.

There's stacks to see here.

You can even go for a paddle.

(Lovejoy chuckles) (bouquet wrapper crinkles) - This is Lady Jane Felsham.

- Hello.

- And Lovejoy.

(footsteps walking) This is Harry Mackie, Ivan and .

They served in my brother's crew during the War.

- Pleased to meet you, my lady.

- Jane's fine by me.

- Ivan!

- Don!

(men chuckle) - I am very pleased to meet you.

- Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

No sirs, I'm just staff.

- Oh, don't worry.

We're all working class as well.

(men chuckle) - Ladies and gentlemen.

You may board whenever you wish.

(men mumble) - [Vera] You all right, Don?

- Janey.

These fellas are drunk as skunk.

If you're not careful, Captain Bucknell one won't the only one over the side.

(Janey chuckles) - This way, sir.

- Oh, thanks very much.

Thanks a lot.

Here, Vera, darling.

- [Vera] Thank you.

Thanks.

- [Harry] My lady.

- [Janey] Thank you.

- [Harry] Here, Ivan.

- [Ivan] Officer ready.

(Harry chuckles) (men grumble) (whimsical music) - Oh!

That's very good of you, sir.

Very noble, if I may say so.

(Don yells) (Don thudding down) - Don?

Don?

- [Don] (groaning) I don't know.

I never saw anything there.

- Don.

- Somebody pushed the lift.

- [Lovejoy] You all right?

- Yes, I'm fine.

Would you just have a check in ?

Make sure the bloody bottle's still in one piece.

- No leaks.

- Me neither!

(both laugh) - [Lovejoy] Come on.

Now, watch your head.

- Oh Lovejoy, don't bother a bit, Don.

You'll get his sea legs back in a wee while (chuckles).

- It's these bloody plastic kne.

You can't oil than damn things.

- If you asked me there's too much oil in you already.

(Lovejoy chuckles) - Janey.

I'll be off now, so I'll wait on the quay, okay?

- Okay.

- Thank you, Lovejoy.

You're very kind.

(men shouting) - [Ivan] Come on Harry, don't start arguing, for god's sake.

(drunken shouting) Harry!

(feet shuffling) (ship engine puffing) (whimsical music) - Stop the ship!

Stop the ship!

- Hey, hey, hey, you cannot just stop a ship just like that, man.

If we miss this tide from behin, we'll be here til midnight.

- No, no, no, you don't underst.

You see, I'm not supposed to be.

I'm a driver.

I hate ships.

- What do you mean a driver?

Thought you was a sky pilot.

- What's that?

- A padre, you know.

The man who's come to say a fews over poor old Buck 'fore we see.

- This was all her idea, wasn't?

You planned this, didn't you?!

Why, oh why, didn't you let me stay in bed?!

- Hey.

Hey, don't you worry about him,.

He'll be all right.

Come on, come on, you'll be fin.

Lovejoy, may I introduce Captain Terry Bucknell?

Hey, come here!

One of the greatest submarine captains ever lived.

Sank half the Italian Navy (chu.

(soft murmuring) - Excuse me, you're trade, aren?

- Yeah, how'd you know?

- Takes one to know one.

Bet you've never seen this befo.

Not just state of the art, this is the art.

The latest catalytic polymer acrylic resin, just arrived from the States.

- Glue, you mean?

- Not glue, this is not glue.

This stuff will bind anything t, and I mean anything.

That's why it says in the instr, always go the loo before you us.

(Eric chuckles) - Yeah, well that's magic glue.

We've got some of it.

- Not this, you haven't.

Look at this.

Woodworm excrement.

Fine as snuff, look at it, totally knackered.

Here we go.

Hard as bell metal, that is.

And all I did was mix a little of the resin with water, paint it over the piece, injectt and let science do the rest.

Miracle, isn't it?

Don't know how it works.

Some boffin told me it was someg to do with rearranging molecule.

Whatever it is, it's all cash t. - What?

And you just mix it with water and paint it on?

- Simple as that.

Your average punter could do it blindfolded.

This is one little item which Ik should be kept in the trade, do?

- Yeah.

How much is it?

- It don't come cheap.

50 quid a tube.

- 50 quid!

You must be joking.

- 40 for every trade.

If you don't want it, there's a few out there who will.

Just trying to do you a favor.

- Go on then.

- You won't regret it, believe .

- Yeah, well, if I do, you will.

- [Harry] And then we sunk an Italian cruiser, the Michelangelo.

- [Ivan] That was off Elba.

- Correct, and later the same dt to the bottom an armed tugboat.

- [Ivan] The Lecce!

- The Lecce, you're right Ivan!

Yes, yes.

- And what did you do?

- Me?

Oh, I was just a diver and the outside tiffy.

- Outside what?

- Tiffy.

- Tiffy.

- [Ivan] Artificer!

- Pardon?

- Engineer!

- Oh!

- I was personally responsible for everything mechanical outside the engine room.

And that man there, signaler, and Ivan, stoker.

- What is this with this gianti?

Have you got shares in it or so?

- No, no, no.

This was Buck's favorite tipple.

To Buck!

- To Buck.

- To Buck!

God bless him.

- If you care to step outside, please, we've arrived.

(boat engine rumbling) Perhaps someone would like to say a few words before we can make Captain Bucknell's remains to the deep.

- I wouldn't know what to say.

I just can't think of anything off the top of my head like tha.

This is awful.

- Oh, I cannot.

I couldn't do that.

I'm not good at that sort of th.

- Me neither.

- This is terrible.

- We can't stay here all day, s. Can't you say something?

- Look.

The only thing the deceased and I have in common is that we both wanna get off this bloody boat.

- Then it appears to be down to.

(foghorn blares distantly) - Farewell poor world, I must b. Thou art no home, no rest to me.

I take my ship and travel on 'til I a better world do see.

Into the ocean where there's re, I go, I leave, I part with spee.

The way is long, the end is swe.

Once more, poor world, farewell indeed.

In leaving thee, the sea I meet.

(emotional music) We commit the body of Captain Terrence Bucknell to the deep.

(emotional music) (water splashes) - [Don, Harry And Harry] Viva, the Buck brigatta!

Viva!

- [Harry] Rest in peace, Buck!

- [Don] Rest in peace, Buck!

- Viva!

- [All] Viva!

(man sobs) - [Ivan] Bucknell's brigatta!

- That was very touching, you k?

You're a sensitive old soul at heart, aren't you?

- Yeah, it was from a school play when I was 14.

It was a boys school, but I always played the girls part.

I was a pretty youth.

- That dagger there represents secret agents landed in the south of France, and then the poor buggers got caught and shot.

And that dagger represents agents landed in Sardinia.

- That's where we got shot and .

- Yeah, I mean Buck his best to get us out of it, all right, but no way, no way.

I will wash the boat down, my b.

- God bless his heart.

- Where's Don?

Where's Don?!

(pebbles crunching underfoot) - I'll have to sit down, fellas.

- Come and see here, you silly !

- [Don] Over there?

- Look, it was Don and they'd jd his two agents near Elba, that's on the east coast.

And suddenly they were spotted.

Look!

It's a night type C plane!

- Radio the opposition back to a shore battery!

Lucky bastards!

They couldn't hit the ground if they were shooting out of a .

(Don laughs) One stray shell.

- Stray shell after everything , old Buck immediately got everybf and then he went back and tried to save them, but no, they were supposed to s. - And then we were picked up by a patrol boat, put into a stinking dungeon.

And straight back in Naples in a prisoner of war camp.

- [Ivan] Do you know what happe?

- Mussolini popped in for tea?

(men laugh) - No, he did not!

The very next day, the Italians, they're kaput.

They surrender, gave in, you know, chucked in the towel.

- No stomach for it, Harry.

Never have had.

- We were obviously very sharp, straight up the mountains we go, joined up with the partisans, fought the Germans.

Know what they called us?

Bucknell's brigatta!

- [Don And Ivan] Bucknell's bri!

- Will you have a look at that,!

That's Buck in the middle and te just beside him.

There Ivan, and there Don!

(lau) (jolly chatter) (tense military music) - [Harry] We came across this v, which had been used as a love nest, would you believe by Mussolini and his mistress, Clara Petacci.

The place is guarded by half a t and the toughest-looking Blackshirts we'd ever laid eyes.

Dug in 10 deep behind sandbags, barbed wire.

Fought like bloody tigers, they.

Well, they would not give an in.

Made us sweat blood that day for every foot of ground we too.

I remember the bullets whizzing around like wasps, and grenades popping as everybody (indistinct) what was left of them and you could've counted them on the fingers of one hand.

Did pull out in the end, but not before the buggers had taken us down to our last 1.

Blood, sweat and tears, the man.

That's what we got.

We came across all this gianti, got a bottle each.

We could hardly stand by the time we finished (laughs).

Buck told us, take anything we .

I remember that he took a picture of Mussolini.

Don't know why, he didn't like .

Then Don had the bottle of gianti, but not for long.

Buck shot it clean out of his h. (glass shatters) Two bottles, two bullets!

(Harry laughs) And then he shot his granite bust of ol' Musso staring down them and he hit th.

He'd always held Mussolini personally responsible for sinking his boat.

Ran up to him, whacked him in th and the nose blew right off!

(sculpture shatters) ♪ My story ♪ ♪ This is my song ♪ - I hope they're not annoying y.

There's no stopping them when they've got a full head of.

♪ Too bloody long ♪ ♪ So roll on the Rodney ♪ ♪ The Howl and Renown ♪ - Vera would like to ask you something, Lovejoy.

- You ask him, Jane.

- Vera's brother left a few this and she wondered if you'd sell them for her.

- He didn't leave much.

He lived here for nothing, and all that's left is his cap and his medals and his flag.

By rights, they should all realo to the Submarine Museum in Gosp.

I know they'd like them.

But... Well, you know how it is.

- Yeah.

Yes, Vera, I know how it is.

Well, I'll do my best.

- Missus, Don and Ivan are leavg while they can still sing.

I've ordered a taxi for them, but I'll wait on and give you a hand in the kitchen, if that's okay with you, Vera.

- That's very kind of you, Harr.

Lovejoy's going to find a good home for Terry's things.

- You.

You did better than any padre.

Thank you.

That goes in Buck's box.

Excuse me.

- May I share a thought with yo.

So far today, I've been dragged out of bed, press ganged into a funeral at a and the only antiques I've seen all day are these three.

Who really ought to be certified as national living treasures.

And what do I finish up with?

10% of a box of bits, which I don't think is gonna tut to be Blackbeard's treasure.

♪ So roll on the Rodney ♪ ♪ The Howl and the now ♪ ♪ There's no funnel bastard is getting me down ♪ ♪ Heave away ♪ ♪ Heave away ♪ ♪ The queen of society ♪ (men laugh) - [Eric] I mean look at that, T, my Windsor armchair.

You'd be looking at 1,400 if that was all in one piece.

- I'd be looking at 14 pence.

The restoration labor costs alot would come to a 1,000 quid.

- But not with this.

Because this is the latest catalytic polymer acrylic resin from the United States of Ameri.

It rearranges the molecules, turns termite crap back into wo.

(Tinker chuckles) I got it from this bloke I know.

- You got it from Ted the polis.

Hasn't come from the United States of America at all, it comes from the gas board.

- Hey?

- It's emergency joint sealant!

(chuckling) His brother-in-law t for about two quid a gallon.

(Lovejoy sniffs) - Gas board joint sealant?

- [Tinker] Yeah, Ted the polishd a tube of it out to Eric.

- Ah, how much did he sting you for, a fiver?

- [Eric] Yeah, something like t. - [Tinker] And the rest.

- What's in the box?

- The estate of the late Captain Terrence Bucknell, submarine commander.

Eric, you get this for sinking an Italian cruiser.

- How do I look?

- About as Naval as a belly but.

- Photograph of Mussolini and anonymous man.

Might be worth something, Tink?

- [Eric] And what's this?

- Who knows?

- Ah, look at this group.

OBE, Distinguished Service Cros, Naval General Service Medal with Palestine clasp.

It's even got his name on it, look at that.

Sub-lieutenant T.H.

Bucknell RN.

Named medals always notch up the value a pound or two.

'39-45 Star, Atlantic Star, Africa Star, Ita, Defense Medal and his War Medal.

There's even a DSO and bar to g. Well, look at that.

What a man.

- I thought you were in the arm.

- There's a citation from Buckingham Palace!

- How much do you reckon, Tink?

- Oh, thousands.

But you know, it's a terrible tt stone bravery should be reduced to hard cash.

(birds chirping) (engine rumbling) (whimsical music) - Janey!

Glad I caught you while you're .

I want you to stop off in Toni'a at Noel Street behind Liberties.

- Who's Toni?

- He's a second generation Ital.

Deals in SS uniforms, thumb scr, deactivated hand grenades, whatever your bag is.

- I don't think I like the soun.

- Oh, he's all right.

I just want you to see what he'll cough up for this, okay?

Toni's Militaria, Noel Street.

Vera could do very, very nicely out of this, Janey!

(engine revs) - [Harry] Oh, hello there.

Harry Mackie.

- [Eric] Eric Catchpole, financ.

- [Harry] Oh, is Lovejoy about?

- [Eric] This way, sir.

Lovejoy, Harry's here!

- [Lovejoy] Hello, Harry!

- Hello!

- I've spoken to Commander Joy.

He sends his best and he's looking forward to seeing us.

(Harry chuckles) - Hope he don't keep your valuables in here.

- Oh, why is that?

- Oh come on, a kid could open .

- How do you know?

- 'Cause I used to be a very successful burglar.

That's how.

(car horns honk distantly) - [Toni] Where'd you get it fro?

- It belonged to a submarine captain called Bucknell.

I believe he took it from a villa once owned by Mussolini and Clara Petacci during the War.

I think it's called booty.

- [Toni] Yeah?

But how did you come across it?

- Lovejoy asked me to pop in wi.

- Oh, Lovejoy!

I haven't seen him for ages.

How is the old fruit?

- He's fine.

It's not quite the description I would've used, but- - Look- - Jane Felsham.

- Look, Lady Felsham, these sorts of things are very hard to place.

Now, to get the best deal, I'll need to have talked to a few serious collectors.

It's gonna take a couple of day, so why don't I photocopy it and get back to you?

- Yes, all right, that's fine b.

(copying machine hums) - Twenty-five.

But seeing it's your trade, 20.

- No, thank you very much.

I'm not that kind of trade.

(doorbell jingles) (phone rings) (Italian chatter) (Toni speaks Italian) (chaotic chatter) (chef speaks Italian) (man speaks Italian) (chaotic chatter) (man speaks Italian) - [Man On Phone] Four, private , maybe four and a half.

- It's thousands, right?

- [Man On Phone] Naturally.

There is someone I have in mind, a Naval medal collector.

I'll put you in touch if you li.

Ten percent sound fine?

- Yeah, let me think about it.

(phone clunks) (Lovejoy sniffs) - Come here, Lovejoy!

Come here!

Come here!

There she is, that's her!

Had surge.

Wait, see this, look.

There is the actual signal form us to HMS Midgeton in Algiers telling them we had sunk the Michelangelo, eh.

Fifty years ago, eh?

See what I mean, Lovejoy?

Do you not think old Buck's stuff should be here?

- You should discuss it with Ve.

- Well, I already have done.

I mean, Vera's just like all the rest of us.

She needs the money.

- Hey, Lovejoy, look at this.

There's an antique Christmas ca.

- Baked in 1942 for a submariner who was due home for Christmas.

He never made it.

There were a lot like that.

The family presented it to us.

Still edible as the day it was .

Lovejoy.

Jolly, museum director.

We spoke on the phone.

(Lovejoy chuckles) - This is my associate, Eric Ca.

- Pleased to meet you, um, sir.

- And of course, this reprobate I know very well indeed.

How are you keeping, Harry?

- [Harry] Oh, I cannot complain.

Yourself, sir?

- Oh, much the same.

Tin leg giving me gyp, going bl.

I didn't even know Bucknell wasd 'til I read it in the newspaper.

How come no one was asked to go to the funeral?

- That's how he wanted it, sir.

He put it in his will, said it was to be a private affair.

I suppose he just didn't want to bother anybody.

You know what he was like, sir.

- Harry, would you show Eric a few of the things you showed ?

Commander, could I have a word ?

I thought you might like to see Captain Bucknell's medals.

- Oh, it's all right, Lovejoy.

I think I know what they look l. - I've had a pretty firm offer .

- Well, then I'd take it if I w. Your brief is to sell those medals for Bucknell's sister for as much as you can make.

We would love to have them here, but the best we could do would be 2,000, maybe 2,500, and even that would be after an.

- Well, you see the predicament I'm in, Commander.

- Oh, absolutely.

It happens to us all the time.

All museums are the same.

We're all in the same boat, so .

There's more of our history in e safe deposit boxes than on disp.

Might I ask what Harry Mackie's role is in all this?

- Well, nothing apart from being instrumental in us being here.

- Ah, I see.

(metal door clunks) - Oh, welcome to home, sweet ho!

- I can't stand confined spaces.

Even my car's a convertible.

- And it stinks.

- It's like being in a coffin with the handles on the inside.

- Oh, great.

(Harry chuckles) It's...

It's a bit claustrophobic, isn't it, Harry?

- Claustrophobic?!

The place is deserted.

If you think this is claustroph, what do you think it was like when there were 70 other jacks in here along with you?

- [Eric And Lovejoy] Seventy?!

(Harry chuckles) - [Harry] All right.

- Harry.

Harry, is there any chance of any fresh air?

It's a bit close in here.

(Harry chuckles) You see you, you would not have lasted five minutes in real action.

In fact, you haven't even looked through the periscope yet.

- Well, I saw John Mills doing "Above Us the Waves."

(Harry laughs) (siren blares) - [Announcer] Emergency station!

Emergency stations!

All hands above deck!

(chaotic chatter) Doors up, doors up!

Prepare to dive, prepare to div!

Check our bow head!

Roger!

(indistinct) Doors shut!

Doors shut!

Dive!

Dive!

Dive!

- Harry, I'm going to faint!

- That's locked!

(radio static) (siren blares) (siren blares) (footsteps walking) (Lovejoy breathes deeply) (Harry laughs) - What a right pair of lubbers !

It's your fault you pulled that.

You set off all the sound effecs we kept for the tourists (laugh.

(Lovejoy inhales deeply) (whimsical music) - Hi.

Is that Lovejoy?

Well, who are you?

Eric who?

Catch what?

Auction rooms?

Which auction ro?

Well, how long's he gonna be th?

Great, thanks.

- With the best will in the wor, I can't sell the stuff to the Submarine Museum.

- Well, she can't sell it herse.

She'd probably end up owing the buyer money, knowing Vera.

(muffled chatter) - Hi, I'm Fiona.

Jeremy Prince's PA. You're Lovejoy, right?

I understand you're selling Bucknell's gongs.

Well, I'm here to see them, hel.

- Hello.

Looks like your prayers have been answered.

- Have you got them with you?

Hi, Lucy, it's Fiona for Jeremy?

- Who's Jeremy?

- Just tell him I'm in the sticks with this dealer guy.

Prince, the fashion photographe.

"Vogue", "Elle", the Zerba jean?

No, god, we really are in the elephant grass today.

Tell him to hurry up.

Anyone ever told you, you look like the guy who plays for Chelsea?

- What?

The football team?

- No, the band.

Come on, Lucy, really.

I'm waiting here, come on, hurr!

- Fiona, who sent you?

- Penskin.

Listen, when can I see this stuff?

I've got a casting session back in town at five.

You do take credit cards?

It's a nice jacket, I like it a.

Yes, I'm still here.

- Fiona, this is an auction.

I'll be here 'til five o'clock with my associate.

My place, five-30.

- Jeremy!

Darling, yes, I'm with him now.

No, I haven't seen them.

Yes, yes, I've told him.

Yes, Jeremy I've told him I was casting at five.

He wants me to come back at fiv.

- Fiona, I'm trying to be polit.

- Yes, Jeremy, I'll tell him.

Listen, he wants to speak to yo.

He's in a real hurry, okay, rig?

- Hold on Jeremy.

Five-30.

We close at five-30.

(phone clatters) - Fiona?

Fiona!

- Uh, Jeremy, small problem.

I can't get to the phone.

- [Jeremy] What's happening?

It sounds like you're in the loo!

- Eric, I reckon if Lovejoy wasu the proper rate for restoring t, you could afford a set of six b.

- Have you ever heard of the san in a job well done, Tinker?

Hm?

(alarm bell rings) - What on earth's going on?

- Alarm went off at the station about 10 minutes ago.

- [Janey] Have we been burgled?

- Not as far as we can see.

Someone's had to go at what loos like the downstairs toilet wind, but I'm pretty sure they leggedt when the alarm went off.

I'll have a look around inside.

(alarm bell cuts) - I'm on my own.

My husband's in Hong Kong.

You don't suppose they'll come back, do you?

- No, I wouldn't have thought s. - Yes, he's taken them out of tw and I'm about to have a look at.

Could I have that magnifying glass?

Thank you.

Could you hold them up for me?

Okay, I'm looking at a DSO and , an OBE, a DSC, and an NGS with a Palestine clasp.

Bit higher, can you hold it so I can read it please?

Jeremy, you still there?

Okay, it reads Sub-lieutenant T.H.

Bucknell RN.

Yes, that looks like the only n. Then there's four Stars, including Africa and Atlantic, and a Defense and War medal.

Yes, they're all in fine condit.

You can put them down now, than.

What is that awful smell in her?

Glue or something?

Three and a half K cash, now.

375.

He's stalling.

Do you know who you're dealing ?

- At the moment, a smart ass with an aerial in her ear.

- Jeremy Prince happens to be oe of the world's greatest photogrs and he also has one of the finest collections of Naval decorations in the whole wide world, including a Victoria Cross.

If he wants Bucknell's medals, he'll have them.

Don't you understand that?

- Not at 3,750, he won't.

Leave your phone number, I'll tell you when the auction .

- Look, Lovejoy.

I know this jup isn't exactly Bond Street- - Ooh, you are treading on very dangerous ground now, F. - Look, what I'm trying to say is that I am authorized to go up to four grand max, but that's only if I can take Bucknell's medals back to town with me right now,?

- I've told you, leave your pho, I'll be in touch.

- Look, don't you realize I could lose my job over this?

- So what?

They always need another witch in "Macbeth."

(whimsical music) - Lovejoy!

- What?

- [Eric] Lady Jane on the phone.

- Right!

- [Fiona] Listen, Lovejoy, let's try this another way, sha?

Jeremy's very used to negotiati.

He's got clients worldwide!

Don't you realize I'm trying to do my best here?

(meerkats chirping) - Are you sure a cheese and pickle sandwich is all you want?

There's some cold pheasant in t. - Cheese and pickle's perfect.

- I've made up a spare bedroom.

- Oh, the sofa's fine.

I doubt if anybody will be back.

- There wasn't anyone else I co. Couldn't face spending the night here alone.

- Well, the white knight's here with this trusty baseball bat.

(meerkats chirping) - [Janey] I heard from Victoria.

- [Lovejoy] Yeah?

- Want to talk about it?

- Nope.

(Lovejoy chuckles) (whimsical music) - Yeah, I get around.

Tahiti one week, LA the next.

I go to Paris so often, I've got a season ticket with Air France.

- So you get to meet a lot of the models then, do you?

- Some of my best friends are m. Where is he?

- No, he is probably in Rome or Helsinki or somewhere.

He gets around, but he'll be here, don't worry.

- So...

So what are they like in real life then, you know?

- Oh, hi, Lovejoy, glad you sho.

Jeremy sends his love.

- His love?

- Yes, and he wonders if you could pop up to town today with Bucknell's medals for him to have a look at.

- Why can't he pop up here?

- Well, he can't, he's really by and he's off to Albania next we.

You know, it's really dusty in .

You ought to get an ionizer.

He's got a mega yogurt shoot on and he's up to here, right?

- Well, I'm up to here too.

- Well, I don't mind going.

I'll go.

I mean, I'll take them down.

- Yeah, and I'll navigate.

Otherwise he'll be away all mon.

- Yeah, all right.

Somehow I don't think it's medals you got in mind though.

- Hi, Lucy, it's me.

Listen, can you tell Jeremy I'm on my way home?

Have you ever tried hair gel?

- I beg your pardon?

- You should.

Yeah, tell him I'll check in the minute I hit the north circular.

- That's it!

Lovely smile, bigger smile!

Great!

Fantastic!

Jesus, where did we get her fro?

Battersea Dogs Home?

- Jeremy Prince?

- Lovejoy and Associates.

- Oh yeah, the guy with the fru.

- Beg your pardon?

- The gongs.

- Hey?

- Bucknell's gongs.

Come on, follow me.

Okay, everyone, take five.

Not now, darling, later.

- [Model] What time are you gon?

- [Jeremy] Excuse me, Trudy.

(footsteps shuffling) (funk music) (footsteps walking) - This is yours, I believe.

- Oh, just stick in the corner .

And don't touch anything!

Now then, let's have a look at .

And everything's here?

The name medal too?

- There's also a Jolly Roger.

- No thanks, I'm not into flags.

- This is a bit tasteless, aint?

- Good god!

VC.

- It's only a repro.

The real thing is locked in the.

Now then, this lot.

Four and a half Ks, cash.

All right?

That's it.

You cream off whatever you want.

- We still have to consult our .

- And who's your client?

- Bucknell's sister, Vera... - Hi, guys.

Where's Lovejoy?

- You mean neither of these blokes is Lovejoy?

- Well, no, of course not, they're just the monkeys.

The organ grinder's obviously stayed in the sticks.

- Then you can't negotiate, can?

Sorry, fellas, but this is really wasting my time.

(case snaps shut) I wouldn't have let you in had .

Give them some yogurts to take back with them.

- Oh right.

What flavor would you like?

- Butterscotch, please.

- What did you say that for?

- 'Cause I like butterscotch.

(glass clinks) - This photographer that Tinker, he offered four and a half gran.

- My goodness, Lovejoy.

(Vera gasps) That is a lot, isn't it?

- Four and a half grand, you sa?

- Hey, that's great!

- I'm sorry, Vera, but we don'tk this photographer is worthy of .

- Ah, but he's got the money!

- Don't you think we should takt before he changes his mind?

- Listen, give me a little moree and I think I might be able to get another buyer and maybe get more money.

- What do you think, Harry?

- I think Lovejoy's right.

I think you should give him a wee bit more time.

- And a named medal, the NGS with the Palestine clasp.

Yes.

Mr. O'Neil, I've informed Jeremy Prince, but I thought other collectors might like to have a crack.

Yes, yes, I've spoken to him and the Submarine Museum.

Yep, yep, okay, thank you.

Thank you, Mr. O'Neil, bye.

He'll only go to four.

Is that it?

- Yes, well, one of the numbers was out of order.

- Uh-oh, trick and treat.

- Hi, Lovejoy.

This is Jeremy Prince.

- Hi.

- [Lovejoy] Hi.

- [Fiona] Hi, guys.

Tried the hair gel yet?

(Tinker splutters) - No, I haven't.

I couldn't get any around here.

- [Fiona] Well, that doesn't su.

I'll send you a tub.

- [Jeremy] I've come for Bucknell's medals.

- Don't jump the gun, all the bids aren't in yet.

- [Jeremy] They are now.

(paper crinkles) - [Tinker] Not now.

- Iris, listen, I really can't .

He's wheeling.

- Bucknell's sister signed it.

Here's the cash, subject to vie.

- Get her on the phone, Tink.

Why are you so interested in Bucknell's metals?

- I don't give a damn about Buc.

I'm a Naval medal collector.

If they don't belong to me, they belong to the competition.

- There's no reply.

- You have a deep connection with the sea, is it?

- The sea?

No, I hate it.

Ah, look, come on, Lovejoy, you're stalling.

You got the bill of sale.

The medals are as good as mine, let's have them.

- I think we should check with our client first.

(engine rumbles) - Shouldn't be too difficult.

- [Lovejoy] Vera!

- [Vera] Hello, Lovejoy.

- [Lovejoy] Nice to see you.

- I tried calling you, but your phone was always engaged.

- I know.

- Mr.

Prince showed me all the y and promised that he'd never se.

- It's probably for the best, V. - So, can we do the business or?

Look, Lovejoy, I've come a long.

- Eric, would you get the medals for Mr.

Prince, and Jeremy, would you give the money to Tinker so he can count it?

And Vera, come with me.

I'm going to sit you down and get you a nice glass of Pim.

- Oh, Lovejoy, that would be very welcome, thank you.

- [Eric] They're not here!

- [Lovejoy] What?

- [Eric] Someone's hacked the back of a safe off!

- They've chisel through the back like butter.

Trust you to buy a cheap safe, .

- The only chiseling that's been done around here is by you bunch of crooks.

- [Eric] What's that supposed t?

- This is all a bloody con!

They've robbed it themselves, V. They're just playing for time until they can find some other punter, that's all.

- Hold on, Jeremy, we're not a .

Our percentage just went out th.

- She knew where they were.

- Don't point, it's rude.

- And she had the opportunity!

- Oh, don't be so ridiculous and put that finger away!

- (mumbling) Sorry.

- Keep your medals in a vault, don't you Jeremy?

Never to see the light of day a, just between you and a flashlig?

(Eric grunts) - You know, Lovejoy, you've got really nice teeth.

Say that again and you'll be carrying them around in your wallet!

- Oh yeah?

And you'll be eating your next l through a straw, mate.

- Oh yeah?

Just do what you're saying and .

- What about me?

They were my brother's medals (.

Doesn't anybody care about me? )

- Oh, Vera.

It'll be all right.

I'll get the police round.

Then I'll file a claim with the.

(engine rumbles) (whimsical music) Janey!

(gravel crunches) Janey!

My insurance has run out, and I'm four and a half grand adrift.

- Any idea who stole them?

- Nope.

(hurried footsteps) - That's right, a smart-looking Scotsman with a blazer.

Said he was in submarines in th.

- You didn't happen to catch his name, did you, Xanthe?

- Afraid not.

There must've been eight or nin?

I said I was into glass, told her to try the auction rooms.

- And when was this?

- [Xanthe] This morning.

- And they don't open 'til this.

- Xanthe, you are an absolute d!

(engine rumbles) He went in a couple of minutes .

- Carrying a plastic bag.

- Yeah, old habits die hard, eh?

(car door slams) - That's the Atlantic Star, the Africa Star, the Italy Star- - Peter!

- [Peter] What's going on?

- I think you'll find Mr. Mackie has been trying to offload something that he shouldn't.

- What are you talking about?

- [Lovejoy] We'll just keep this in the family, okay?

Come on, Harry.

- What the hell is going on here?

- But these are not Buck's meda!

- Of course they're not Buck's !

They're my bloody medals!

- Why are you trying to sell yo?

- Think about it.

I was just trying to make up a difference between what the museum can afford and r from your bloody photographer p. - I wish you'd told us, Harry.

- Why'd I have to tell anybody?

It was personal.

It was between me and Buck.

I owed that man a hell of a lot.

He spoke up for me in court onc.

I was definitely down for a 10 , but because of what he said, I only got five.

But I did tell you about your bloody safe, didn't I?!

- Why don't we buy a set of odds with no history and string them?

- Definitely not a professional.

I mean, they didn't try to open, he just attacked it with a blunt instrument.

- Old Popov would make us up a .

I mean, he'll make the Magna Cau if you give him enough time.

(intruder yells in Italian) (speaks Italian) - His name is Angel Trousers.

- Angel Trousers?

(speaks Italian) - I am son of protectors of the glorious name of Il Duce, Benito Mussolini.

For 50 years, we have... (speaks Italian) - To search for.

- Yes, yes, we have searched for this Capitano Bucknell and .

(speaks Italian) - Crew.

(speaks Italian) (speaks Italian) (speaks Italian) (speaks Italian) (speaks Italian) (speaks Italian) We can sit down and lower our arms, but no tricks.

(speaks Italian) - We search for this Capitano Bl and his crew of (speaks Italian) - Killers.

- Yes, his killers.

These sinkers of Italian ships .

- My god, he's come take revenge because we sank the Michelangel.

- [Lovejoy] Shut up, Harry, kee.

- 'Til one day, (speaks Italian) (speaks Italian) I am sent this.

Il Duce with a man.

This man (speaks Italian) was my father.

And this picture was took.

- Taken.

- Taken (speaks Italian) My father was... (speaks Italian) - Bodyguard.

- Bodyguard of Il Duce and of this beautiful villa that was completely destroyed by this capitano and his crew!

- That's a lie!

The place was like a midden when we arrived there!

- [Tinker] Shut up, Harry!

If Angel Trousers says Captain l destroyed the Villa, then Capitano Bucknell destroyed the villa!

Sorry, Trousers.

- Capitano Bucknell strike this (speaks Italian) - Sculpture.

- Strike the sculpture of Il Duce and mutilate it!

Mutilate it!

(yells in Italian) (speaks Italian) We have this sculpture, yes, we.

I am here for one thing, and the one thing only.

(speaks Italian) To stick back onto the sculpture and make it whole again.

- He wants Mussolini's glorious and imperial nose.

- Mussolini's nose?

Oh, that stone hooter that was in Bucknell's belongings!

Ah.

Angelo.

(speaks Italian) (Angelo whimpers) (speaks Italian) - He's thanking god for finding.

(Lovejoy chuckles) - If I had not to find this nos, I throw these into the Mediterr!

Now, I make you an offer you cannot refuse.

- Don't do it as good as Brando.

- In this packet, 5 million lir.

You take it or leave it.

If you leave it, you all die, every one of you!

(speaks Italian) - A bill of sale.

- And no retribution.

Nothing, (speaks Italian), unde?

- Oh, sure, sounds good to me.

What about you fellas, hm?

- Great!

- Yeah, yeah.

- Five million lire, how much is that, Tink?

- About 2,400 pounds.

- Hey, that's just what we need to make up the difference!

- Janey, would you ask him if we can sit down and do this like gentlemen.

(speaks Italian) - Now, bill of sale.

- Freeze!

The bloody thing's plastic.

(Angelo chuckles) - Sorry.

So sorry, I...

I beg you forgive me, please.

No call the police.

I beg you, I only wanted the no!

(Angelo whimpers) - Will you stop whimpering?

You want the nose, right?

- Sure, I do (speaks Italian).

- Five million lire.

Tell him it'll be another 250 quid for the safe.

(Janey speaks Italian) - You take credit cards?

- Courage is something that we never know we have until the time comes.

And those who have it in the fil can never be sure it will be there the second or third time.

Captain Bucknell clearly passed this test on every occasion.

And the Submarine Museum is very grateful to his sister, Mrs Monkwell, for allowing us to purchase his medals, where they will be displayed among those of his peers with all the prestige and promie they so rightly deserve.

Thank you.

(everyone applauds) (clapping drowns out speaker) That's the case there.

Oh, chop-chop, chaps, come on.

It's all yours, gents.

- Hi, Jeremy.

Listen, hang on a sec.

(muffled chattering) Listen, there's a conspicuous Gallantry Medal, there's a British Empire Medal, there's a 1939-45 Star, there's four Stars in all; 39 to 45, Atlantic, Africa, Ita, and then of course there's the Defense Medal and then after that- - Excuse me, would you mind?

- Just a sec?

- Please.

I would just like to say goodby.

Goodbye.

(muffled chatter) (water splashes) (group laughs) (bright music) (light atmospheric jingle)