THREAT KPBS PARTNERSHIP SAN DIEGO OPERA, H STORY, AND FORGIVING ONESELF IN GETTING WORLD.

PROVIDED BY UNION BANK,, AND FUN, THESE ARE MADE POSSIBLE BY.

, SAN DIEGO COMMISSION FOR ART CULTURE, YOU REFLECT THAT THANK YOU.

>>> WELCOME TO THIS LIVE BROADCAST OF AS ONE, IT IS AN OPERA LIKE NO OTHER.

CHALLENGES TRADITIONS AND ASSUMPTIONS.

ART OFTEN TACKLES IMPORTANT SOCIETAL ISSUES, AND PROVIDES A WAY TO TALK ABOUT THEM, KPBS ARTS IS BROADCASTING LIVE TONIGHT, SHE SHOWCASED -- SHOWCASED THE CRAFT OF ART AND OPERA, AND TO START A CONVERSATION.

BEFORE TONIGHT'S PERFORMANCE, WE ARE SPEAKING WITH DAVID BENNETT, AND OUR ARTS EDITOR, ABOUT THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS COMPELLING WORK.

GOOD EVENING TO BOTH OF YOU.

DAVID, AS ONE IS A COMING OF AGE STORY ABOUT GENDER IDENTITY, AND LEARNING TO LOVE ONESELF, IN WHAT CAN BE AN UNFORGIVING WORLD.

WHAT CAN YOU SHARE WITH US ABOUT THIS?>> IF WE TALK ABOUT THAT FIRST ITEM, A COMING OF AGE STORY, A STORY ABOUT ONE INDIVIDUAL, THE BRINGS TOGETHER DISCORDANT PARTS OF THEIR LIFE.

I CAN RELATE TO THAT, WE CAN ALL FIND WAYS THAT WE RELATE TO THAT STORY.

IS ALSO CHAMBER MUSIC, WHICH IS REMARKABLE, WHEN WE THINK ABOUT OUR EXPECTATIONS OF OPERA, IT IS A WORK THAT HAS TWO VOICES, AND A STRING QUARTET, THAT MAKES UP THE ENTIRE FORCES OF THE OPERA, AND OFTEN TIMES WE THINK OF THE ORCHESTRA BEING IN SERVICE OF THE SINGERS, BUT IT IS REALLY NOT THE CASE HERE, IT IS ONE MUSICAL GESTURE, AND TRULY CHAMBER MUSIC.>> WHAT MADE YOU CHOOSE TO BRING THIS CHAMBER OPERA TO SAN DIEGO, AND TELL US MORE ABOUT THE SERIES IT IS FEATURED IN?

>> IT OPENS THE SECOND YEAR OF OUR D TOUR SERIES, EVERYTHING OTHER THAN GRAND OPERA -- DETOUR .

WE TRY TO SPEAK TO THE EXPERIENCES AND ISSUES OF SOME OF THE SMALLER COMMUNITIES WITHIN THE LARGER COMMUNITY OF SAN DIEGO, WE HOPE THIS WILL FIND RESIDENCE IN THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY.

THIS OPERA IS THE MOST PRODUCED CONTEMPORARY OPERA TODAY, WE ARE THE 11th COMPANY TO PRODUCE IT IN IT SHORT THREE YEAR HISTORY, AND THERE ARE FIVE OR SIX OTHER COMPANIES THAT ARE SLATED TO DO IT IN SAN DIEGO, SO PRODUCERS OF OPERA ANY WIDE VARIETY OF CITIES ACROSS THIS COUNTRY FROM LOS ANGELES TO NEW YORK, TO HONOLULU, IN DENVER, AND DES MOINES, IOWA, HAVE FOUND THIS TO BE A WORK THAT THEY THINK WILL BE RESIDENT WITH THEIR COMMUNITIES, AND AUDIENCES HAVE RESPONDED TO A.

>> IT'S EXCITING.

FROM A COMMUNITY PERSPECTIVE, WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR SAN DIEGO OPERA TO DO THIS KIND OF WORK, AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR KPBS TO DO A LIVE BROADCAST?

>> I THINK OF ALL THE ART FORMS, OPERA MIGHT COME ACROSS AS KIND OF THE HARDEST TO ACCESS, AND KIND OF ELITE, PEOPLE THINK IT IS ELITE, I THINK FOR THE SAN DIEGO OPERA TO DO A SHOW IN ENGLISH, AND ABOUT HEADLINES, THINGS THAT WE SEE ON TV, AND THE MOVIES, IT SHOWS THAT OPERAS ARE ABOUT ANYTHING, AND IT IS ACCESSIBLE TO EVERYONE.

AND I ALSO THINK THAT HAVING IT BROADCAST ON KPBS , IT WIDENS THAT AUDIENCE, BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE CAN AFFORD A TICKET TO THE THEATER, AND NOT EVERYONE CAN HAVE THE TIME TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS, AND SO HAVING IT DONE TELEVISION ALLOWS EVEN MORE PEOPLE TO SEE IT, AND YOU CAN BE IN YOUR PAJAMAS AND GO TO THE OPERA.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> IT IS UNEXPECTED, THE CHAMBER OPERA ID ITSELF, THERE IS SIGNIFICANCE IN BRINGING THAT TO THE COMMUNITY, AND CHALLENGING WITH THE OPERA IN THE STORY.

>> YES, AND THE OPERA IS GREAT FOR TELLING STORIES, OF 100 YEARS AGO, AND WHAT WE WENT THROUGH 100 YEARS AGO, AND WHAT WE WERE LIKE THEN, BUT THIS OPERA SHOWS WHERE WE ARE NOW, WHERE WE ARE GOING, AND THAT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT.

>> JUST AS POWERFUL.

DAVID, WHAT HAS BEEN THE REACTION TO BRINGING THE WORK TO SAN DIEGO?

>> IT IS SELLING VERY WELL, AND WE ARE EXCITED TO SEE WHAT THE AUDIENCES REACTIONS ARE, I THINK THE AUDIENCE WILL RESPOND WELL.

>> WERE THERE ANY CHALLENGES OR CHALLENGES WITH THE IDEAS OF BRINGING IT TO THE AREA?>> BRING IT DOWNTOWN, IN DIFFERENT SPACES, A BEAUTIFUL VENUE, WE WERE INTERESTED IN PRODUCING IT IN THIS THEATER, BUT AS WE BEGAN TO HAVE DISCUSSIONS, PART OF A SALVATION ARMY FACILITY, WE WERE SURPRISED AT HOW STRONGLY THEY EMBRACED THIS WORK.

AND READ THE LIBRETTO, AND THEY WANTED US TO PRODUCE IT HERE, WHICH WE ARE VERY EXCITED ABOUT.

>> IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF COMMUNITY BUILDING CAN COME FROM PRODUCING A SHOW IN AN UNEXPECTED VENUE?>> WHAT I LOVE IS THAT IT IS NOT DOWNTOWN, IT IS AN PART OF THE TOWN WHERE PEOPLE LIVE, I GREW UP IN CHULA VISTA, AND WE HAD TO TRAVEL FOR OUR ART, IT CAN BE VERY INSPIRING, IF YOU ARE IN A COMMUNITY TO SEE THE OPERA, THEY FEEL YOUR COMMUNITY IS IMPORTANT, THEY ARE REPRESENTING, AND YOU MIGHT INSPIRE SOME KID DRIVING BY WHO SEES THE TRUCKS, THE COSTUMES, THE ACTORS, YOU MIGHT BE CREATING AN ACTOR OR AN ARTIST, YOU DON'T KNOW.>> WHAT DO YOU HOPE AUDIENCES WOULD TAKE AWAY FROM THIS PRODUCTION?

>> IF WE GO BACK TO WHAT WE STARTED WITH, THE IDEA OF A COMING-OF-AGE STORY, AND THAT PEOPLE FIND UNIVERSAL EXPERIENCES THAT ARE IN THE STORY THAT THEY CAN RELATE TO, HOPEFULLY BY SEEING SOMETHING LIKE THIS, WE CAN DEVELOP A GREATER SENSE OF EMPATHY, AND FIND OUT THAT PEOPLE THAT HAVE LIVES THAT THEY THINK ARE VERY DIFFERENT FROM THEIRS, ARE ACTUALLY NOT AS DIFFERENT.

I HOPE THAT IS SOMETHING THEY WOULD TAKE AWAY.>> DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SCENE OR MUSICAL MOMENT?

>> THERE ARE MANY, AND OPERA FULL OF BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS GOT THERE IS ONE WHERE HANNAH FIRST HERE'S THE WORD TRANSGENDER, AND FINDS THE WORD, -- HEARS, AND REALIZES SHE IS NOT ALONE.>> DAVID BENNETT IS GENERAL DIRECTOR OF THE SAN DIEGO OPERA.

THANK YOU BOTH FOR JOINING US TONIGHT.

>>> AND NOW, STAY TUNED FOR A LIVE BROADCAST OF AS ONE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>>PAPER ROUTE >> LIKE EVERY OTHER BOY I HAVE A PAPER ROUTE.

AND LIKE EVERY GOOD BOY I WAKE EACH MORNING, RIDE MY BIKE AROUND, WITH MY JACKET ON ND ENJOY THE "THUMP" OF A WELL-AIMED PAPER AS IT LANDS.

HOWEVER, UNLIKE EVERY OTHER BOY, I SOMETIMES WAKE EXTRA EARLY, WHILE EVERYONE'S ASLEEP IDE MY BIKE AROUND WITH MY JACKET ON AND A BLOUSE UNDERNEATH.

(THE BLOUSE I STOLE FROM A NEIGHBOR'S CLOTHESLINE.

IT ISN'T MUCH, BUT FITS MY TWELVE-YEAR-OLD FRAME.)

AND JUST FEELS SO RIGHT.

AND THE PAPERS STILL GET DELIVERED.

THE PAPERS STILL GET DELIVERED.

I'M HOME.

BEFORE ANYONE SEES ME, BEFORE ANYONE WAKES UP, REMOVE THE BLOUSE AND HIDE IT WHERE IT WILL NEVER BE FOUND.

I BUTTON UP A THICK FLANNEL SHIRT, PUT MY JACKET BACK ON AND GET READY FOR SCHOOL.

ONE DAY I'M BRAVER AND TUCK TWO ROLLED-UP SOCK NSIDE THE DARTS OF THE BLOUSE.

WHAT COULD BE A BREAST IS GENTLY GRAZED BY MY THROWING ARM.

OTHER GIRLS ARE GETTING THEIRS, TOO.

IT ALL JUST FEELS SO RIGHT >>> IT JUST FEELS SO RIGHT.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>>CURSIVE CONTROLLED... CONSTRAINED... IT CANNOT BETRAY ME.

MY TEACHERS,Y CLASSMATES Y FAMILY CANNOT KNOW.

[ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>A FIRM GRIP,... TAUT WRIST, WATCHFUL EYE, MAINTAIN A CONTROLLED, CONSTRAINED, CONSTRICTED, CURSIVE.

AS IT SHOULD BE.

BUT [ MUSIC ] -->> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>I WILL NOT REPEAT MY MISTAKE.

THE ONE I MADE IN THE SECOND GRADE.

FOR ONE ASSIGNMENT, I WROTE LIKE MY COUSIN ANNIE.

I LET THE PEN GUIDE ME.

MY WRITING LIKE A GIRL'S: GENEROUS LOOPS >>> [ MUSIC ] >>RACEFUL SWIRLS, EXPANSIVE ASCENDERS, CROSSES WITH CURLS.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>WHEN I GET THE PAPER BACK FROM THE TEACHER, SHE HAS ORDERED ME TO REDO IT.

AND WRITTEN IN BIG RED LETTERS: "THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WERE TAUGHT."

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>A FIRM GRIP,... TAUT WRIST,...A WATCHFUL EYE,ONTROLLED, CONSTRAINED, CONSTRICTED, CONFINED.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ]SEX ED >>THE BOYS STAND IN ONE LINE;... >>HE GIRLS IN ANOTHER.

THE BOYS GO TO ONE ROOM;... >>HE GIRLS TO ANOTHER.

THE BOYS HEAR ONE TEACHER;... >>...THE GIRLS HEAR ANOTHER.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>WE HAVE BEEN SEPARATED, BY GENDER,... O LEARN ABOUT... EX.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>"IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM, THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENDERS: MALE AND FEMALE."

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>"THESE TWO GENDERS HAVE VERY DISTINCT DIFFERENCES...AND THESE BECOME MOST APPARENT DURING PUBERTY."

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>- AND SO ON, THROUGH... >>- ESTOSTERONE, VOICE DEEPENING, ACNE, FACIAL HAIR,... >>ASTURBATION.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>- AND THE REST,... >>- ...ALL DELIVERED IN A COMMANDINGUT DETACHED VOICE WITHOUT LOOKING ANYONE IN THE EYE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>MOST OF THE BOYS KNOW THESE THINGS.

MOST OF THE BOYS STIFLE THEIR LAUGHTER.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>BUT THIS BOY ONLY WANTS TO BE IN THE OTHER ROOM.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>ENTIRE OF ITSELF >>NO MAN IS AN ISLAND ENTIRE OF ITSELF VERY MAN IS A PIECE OF THE CONTINENT, A PART OF THE MAIN ...IF A CLOD BE WASHED AWAY BY THE SEA, EUROPE IS THE LESS >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>IN JUNIOR HIGH, WE ARE ASSIGNED "NO MAN IS AN ISLAND," BY JOHN DONNE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>WE READ THE POEM, TOGETHER, THEN DISCUSS.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>NY MAN'S DEATH DIMINISHES ME, BECAUSE I AM INVOLVED IN MANKIN >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>L AM THE LONE DISSENTING VOICE IN THE CLASSROOM.

I RISE AND DECLARE TO A SEA OF NON-ISLANDERS: >>> [ MUSIC ] >>"IT ISN'T TRUE ...I AM AN ISLAND."

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>WITH ALL THE EXPERIENCE OF MY 14 YEARS, I SEE NO OTHER LIFE THAN ONE APART: >>> [ MUSIC ] >>ALONE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>L NEED NO ONE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>NO ONE NEEDS ME.

i CONSIGNED MYSELF TO MY OWN ISLAND LONG AGO.

LONG AGO.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>I ARGUE, AND SATISFIED BY MY BRILLIANT DISCOURSE... ...ON INDEPENDENCE, SIT BACK DOWN.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>THE CLASSROOM IS SILENT.

THE TEACHER SEEMS IMPRESSED.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>(OR WAS SHE/HE CONCERNED?)

USE >>> [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>I MUST BE THE PERFECT BOY: THE FASTEST, THE SMARTEST, THE STRONGEST, THE BEST, THE PERFECT BOY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I NEED TO OUT-ACHIEVE, OUT- ACCOMPLISH, OUT-PERFORM, OUT- RUN, OUT-SCRAMBLE ...OUT-DO EVERYONE; THE PERFECT BOY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>CLASS PRESIDENT, STRAIGHT "A'S," STAR QUARTERBACK, HONOR ROLL, ALL OF IT.

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED, WIN THE GAME, SCORE THE POINT, MAKE THE GRADE,... EVER GET IN TROUBLE, NEVER DO WRONG, EVER UPSTANDING, ALWAYS THE BEST: PERFECT, PERFECT.

AND NO ONE WILL KNOW.

>>> NEWS [ MUSIC ] >>I MUST RUN SO FAST, SUCCEED SO MUCH, DO SO WELL, NO ONE WILL KNOW.

>>> [ MUSIC ]>>CLASS PRESIDENT, STRAIGHT "A'S," STAR QUARTERBACK, HONOR ROLL, ALL OF IT.

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED, WIN THE GAME, SCORE THE POINT, MAKE THE GRADE,... EVER GET IN TROUBLE, NEVER DO WRONG, EVER UPSTANDING, ALWAYS THE BEST: PERFECT, PERFECT.

ACHIEVE, ACCOMPLISH, PERFORM RUN, SCRAMBLE, RUN, SCRAMBLE, PERFECT GAME, RUN,...POINT, RUN, GRADE, RUN, AND NO ONE WILL KNOW.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I WILL RUN SO FAST, SUCCEED SO MUCH, DO SO WELL; NO ONE WILL KNOW.

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>NOT EVEN ME.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>THEN I SEE HER ON TV.

THERE SHE IS... AND I HEAR THE WORD, THE REAL WORD.

THE MAGIC WORD.

FINALLY, A NAME FOR THIS.

THAT IS ME.

THAT IS MY WORD.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I REPEAT IT, OVER AND OVER.

AS SOON AS I CAN, I GO TO THE LIBRARY,...THE LEWIS AND CLARK LIBRARY, NAMED FOR EXPLORERS.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>WHEN THE COAST IS CLEAR, I CREEP TO THE CARD CATALOG, ...THUMB THROUGH THE CARDS, MY HANDS TREMBLING.

"TRANSATLANTIC TRAVEL."

FARTHE "TRANSFIGURATION, THE."

FARTHE "TRANSYLVANIA."

TOO FA >>> [ MUSIC ] >>AND THERE IT IS, THE MAGIC WORD TYPED ON A YELLOWING CARD.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ]"NEED HELP, YOUNG MAN?"

I SLAM THE DRAWER SHUT AND COME FACE TO FACE...WITH THE BEADY EYES OF A STEALTH LIBRARIAN.

"NO THANK YOU, SIR."

HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?

HOW COULD I HAVE LET DOWN MY GUARD?

>>> [ MUSIC ]NEVER AGAIN!

LATER, I GRAB A BOOK WITH THE MAGIC WORD AND HIDE IT IN ANOTHER BOOK.

AND SLIP TO THE DARKEST CORNER OF LEWIS AND CLARK.

AND I READ.

AND LEARN.

READ.

AND I LEARN.

THERE ARE OTHERS.

THERE ARE OTHERS.

TO LEARN I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>THE RELIEF.

THE POWER.

THE POWER.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>JUST TO KNOW.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I RETURN TO THE LEWIS AND CLARK MANY TIMES AND HIDE NEW BOOKS IN THE SAME OLD ONE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>(TO THE WORLD, IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE I'M BECOMING AN EXPERT ...ON THE TRANSVAAL WAR.)

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>>PART II >> TWO CITIES >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>NOW I LIVE IN TWO CITIES ADJACENT TO EACH OTHER.

TO ONE I BRING THE OUTWARD TRAPPINGS OF FEMININITY IN A SMALL BA ...AND DRIVE ACROSS THE BRIDGE THAT CONNECTS THEM.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>THE BRIDGE ITSELF IS VERY HIGH, SUSPENDED, AGLOW IN LIGHT WITH A LOVELY VIEW.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>ONCE IN MY OTHER CITY I PUT ON MY THINGS AND AM OVERCOME WITH JOY.

I GLIDE, I FLY SUSPENDED, FREE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >> THREE!

-- >>>TOO SOON I HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY OTHER CITY.

I CROSS THE BRIDGE NOW CHOKED BY FOG.

MY SMALL BAG GROWS.

SO DOES THE FREQUENCY OF MY TRIPS ACROSS THE BRIDGE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>IT FEELS LIKE COMPULSION, SOMETHING I SHOULD CONTROL.

NOT ALLOW.

HOW DO I CONTAIN IT?

SUBDUE IT?

END IT?

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>AND YET I STILL DRIVE TO MY OTHER CITY.

DRIVE ACROSS THE BRIDGE-- VERY HIGH, SUSPENDED- GLOW IN LIGHT, WITH A LOVELY VIEW.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>!

GLIDE, I FLY SUSPENDED.

FREE!

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>"PARDON ME, MISS."

I HEAR THREE WORDS.

"PARDON ME, MISS."

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>THREE WORDS.

PRETTY DULL AS WORDS GO.

BUT THEY MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME.

EVERYTHING.

FOR I HAVE PASSED TO THE MAN WHO SAID THOSE WORDS IN PASSING.

THREE SMALL WORDS.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>JUST THREE WORDS.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>AND I FEEL A RUSH OF CONTENTMENT FOR ONCE, ALL THE JARRING VOICESESOLVE IN HARMONY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>ALL THE WARRING VOICES ARE AT PEACE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>BECAUSE I AM PERCEIVED ...FINALLY PERCEIVED ...FINALLY SEEN: FINALLY, AS L AM.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>AS I AM.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>AS I AM.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>SOME YELLOW PILLS, A STIFF MARTINI TO WASH THEM DOWN >>> [ MUSIC ] >>...AND IT IS DONE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I WAIT.

DAYS.

A WEEK.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>WEEKS.

I DEVISE CORPOREAL VARIATIONS ON "A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS."

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>IS MY SKIN REALLY SOFTER?

IS MY FACE REALLY FULLER?

AM I JUST IMAGINING IT?

MORE PILLS.

MONTHS!

NO, I'M NOT IMAGINING IT.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I KNEW ABOUT THE OUTER CHANGES: WEIGHT MIGRATING, EDGES ROUNDING AIR SOFTENING, BUT I AM NOT PREPARED FOR THE INNER CHANGES: THESE ARE INTENSE!

SUDDEN, DISORIENTING EMOTIONAL VERTIGO.

>>- HYPERSENSITIVITY - >>CRYING AT THE WEIRDEST THINGS - ...BURNT SOUP, DUMB POP LYRICS - IAMOND COMMERCIALS.

>>I FIGHT IT.

WHAT AM I FIGHTING?

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>WHO AM I?

THE NEW ME?

THE OLD?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>AND THEN I LEARN TO STOP FIGHTING,... O ACCEPT THE CHANGES, TO TRUST.

TO SEE THEM AS INTEGRAL, NATURAL.

>>AND THAT'S WHEN A TREMENDOUS EUPHORIA TAKES OVER.

JOY!

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>AT FEELING ALIGNED.

AT PEACE.

AS ONE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I SEE MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND THINK: >>> [ MUSIC ] >>CLOSE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>DEAR MOM,... (AND DAD!

): I WANTED TO CALL YOU, BUT THOUGHT IT BETTER TO WRITE.

I'M SORRY, BUT L DON'T THINK I'LL MAKE IT >>> [ MUSIC ] >>HOME FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO, AND SO MUCH GOING ON.

AND I REALLY CAN'T AFFORD A PLANE TICKET AT THIS LATE DATE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>IT WILL BE MY FIRST CHRISTMAS AWAY AND I'LL MISS YOU GUYS >>> [ MUSIC ] >>ND THE TREE, AND THE HOUSE ALL DONE UP FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AND THE SNOW.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED.

AT ANY RATE, I MIGHT GET HOME THIS SPRING,ND THAT'S JUST AROUND THE CORNER.

BUT I'LL CALL YOU ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>IN THE MEANTIME, I SEND YOU BOTH A LOT OF LOVE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>-- H .

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>"SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT, ALL IS CALM, ALL IS BRIGHT" >>CHRISTMAS DAY, LATE AFTERNOON AT A COFFEE SHOP, BLESSEDLY OPEN.

>>> NEWS -- [ MUSIC ] >>I SIT WITH THE OTHERS EXILED BY THE HOLIDAYS, SELF-IMPOSED OR OTHERWISE.

I'M WRITING AND LOOK UP TO SEE A GUY SMILING AT ME.

A VERY SWEET SMILE, THE KIND THAT YOU CAN'T HELP BUT SMILE BACK AT.

AND SOON HE'S AT MY RICKETY TABLE, ASKING IF HE CAN JOIN ME.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>A MOMENTARY PANIC!

NO ONE TOLD ME HOW TO DO THIS!

HOW TO FLIRT!

IS THIS HOW IT STARTS?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

!

SAY "YES."

HE ASKS WHAT I'M WRITING.

I SAY "I'M NOT SURE."

WE TALK AND TALK.

HE'S VERY CUTE.

PIERCED AND INKED, BUT NOT OVERLY SO.

I LIKE BEING ON THIS SIDE OF THE TABLE.

BUT FLIRTING THIS WAY IS A NEW THING.

(AS IF ONE PUBERTY WEREN'T AWKWARD ENOUGH.)

BUT SOON WE'RE JUST TWO EXILED PEOPLE DENYING OUR EXILES AND CONNECTING.

THE SUN IS SETTING, AND WE NOTICE THE FOG COME IN.

FOR ALL THE FLIRTING WE ACKNOWLEDGE, ...SILENTLY AND SWEETLY,...THAT THIS WILL NOT GO ANY FURTHER.

THAT THIS CONNECTION SUFFICES.

AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT, ...THE BEAUTY I FEEL WHEN HE KISSES ME >>> [ MUSIC ] >>LIGHTLY ON THE CHEEK.

A BEAUTY I FEEL IN THE WARMTH OF HIS HAND AS HE PLACES IT IN MINE...AND SAYS, "GOOD NIGHT."

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>DEAR SON: IT SNOWED ALL DAY.

THE COOPERS DROPPED BY LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO.

EVERYONE ASKED ABOUT YOU.

I LOVE THE NEW SWEATER AND AM WEARING IT NOW.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>AND YOUR DAD THANKS YOU FOR THE BOX SET OF CLASSIC MOVIES.

THANKS, ALSO, FOR YOUR CALL ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >> YOU SOUNDED QUIET.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>WE LOVE YOU.

-- MOM .

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>OUT OF NOWHERE HE STICKS OUT HIS ARM TO BLOCK ME FROM GETTING IN MY CAR.

HE SNARLS, "WHAT ARE YOU?"

HIS BREACHING IS HARD, HIS EYES ARE INFLAMED.

THERE'S NO ONE AROUND.

THE LOT IS NOT LIT.

HE SHOUTS IT.

HE SHOUTS IT THIS TIME: "WHAT ARE YOU?"

I ASK HIM TO STOP, TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

WHERE'S A WEAPON?

ANYTHING!

"WHAT THE -- ARE YOU?"

KEYS?

ANYTHING?

AND SUDDENLY HE CLUTCHES MY NECK E TIGHTENS HIS GRASP.

WITH ALL OF MY STRENGTH I LEVERAGE A KICK.

I JUMP IN THE CAR.

HE REACHES FOR ME.

I SLAM THE DOOR.

START, CAR!

CAR, START!

HE POUNDS AT THE WINDOW.

START, START, PLEASE, GOD.

O GOD.

"YOU B---."

POUND.

POUND.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

I'LL KILL YOUÃ >>> [ MUSIC ] >>I DRIVE OFF.

HE CHASES, STILL SHOUTING.

I DRIVE AND DRIVE; MY HEART IS POUNDING; I HAVE ESCAPED.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>I AM SAFE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>LATER, ALONE AT HOME, I LOOK ONLINE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >> I LOOKED ONLINE.

THERE ARE OTHERS.

I AM NOT SAFE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>EMANUELL COLACO TABORDA, PARANA, BRAZIL-- STRANGLED.

PATRICIA MURPHY, ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO-- SHOT SEVERAL TIMES IN THE HEAD.

MENAKSHIAMMAL, KRISHNAGIRI, INDIA-- BURNED AND THROAT SLIT.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>KAMILIA, VOLGOGRAD, RUSSIA-- SHOT TO DEATH.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>AMANDA GONZALEZ ANDUJAR, QUEENS, NEW YORK.

UNIDENTIFIED, GUAYAQUIL, ECUADOR.

UNKNOWN, MILAN, ITALY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>I AM NOT AN ISLAND.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >> UNIDENTIFIED...UNKNOWNNIDENTI FIED... >>> [ MUSIC ] UNIDENTIFIED, UNKNOWN.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>THEY CONTINUE.

THE VOICES IN MY HEAD.

YOU WON'T BE HAPPY.

>> YOU WON'T BE HAPPY.

>>YOU CAN'T GO BACK.

IT IS WRONG.

- WHAT ARE YOU DONG - WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

THE NOISE IS TOO LOUD.

I CANNOT GO ON.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>BUT SOMEHOW, SOMEHOW >>> [ MUSIC ] >>...I MUST GO O >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>O NORWAY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>>NORWAY!

WHERE ELSE?

NORWAY!

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>A FRIEND OF A FRIEND RENTS OUT A CABIN IN NORWAY, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE,UST ME AND THE NORTHERN LIGHTS, WHICH I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE.

JUST ME.

THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.

PERFECT.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>SOON, I'M LURCHING PAST FJORDS AND ROAD SIGNS WITH SLASHED "O'S."

I ATTEMPT A YODEL, THEN REMEMBER THAT YODELING ISN'T NORWEGIAN.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>A FJORD.

FIELDS, MOUNTAINS FAR OFF, AND THE CABIN, WHICH IS REALLY UST A SHACK WITH CABIN ASPIRATIONS.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>NO ONE AROUND FOR MILES, AND I THINK: >>> [ MUSIC ] >>HERE IS A SETTING FOR A MOMENT OF TRANSCENDENCE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>OR MURDER.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I GO INSIDE THE SHACK.

IT SMELLS OF GOAT.

I THROW DOWN MY BAG AND WEEP.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>THAT NIGHT, I DON'T SLEEP.

GRIEF.

LONELINESS.

DOUBT.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>WHY AM I HERE?

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>THE FOLLOWING DAY, I DECIDE TO MAKE JAM.

I GATHER BERRIES.

IT TAKES FOREVER AND TASTES AWFUL.

I THROW OUT THE BITTER FRUIT.

A FEW MORE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>ONE DAY I TAKE THE WOODEN SKIFF OUT ON THE WATER.

CALM, DEEP.

CLEAR, CALM, DEEP.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>HALFWAY OUT, I REALIZE IT HAS A LEAK, >>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>BUT MAKE IT BACK IN TIME ...WITH A BOAT HALF-FILLED OF ICY WATER, AND SIT ON THE SHORE OUT OF BREATH.

WHY AM L HERE?

>>> [ MUSIC ] >> WHY AM I HERE?

I REALIZE THAT I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO ANYONE IN DAYS.

I AM ALARMED BECAUSE I HAVE THIS REALIZATION OUT LOUD.

I ALSO REALIZE THAT I'VE SPENT FOUR DAYS AS I AM.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ SINGING ] [ MUSIC ] >>AS I AM, WITHOUT REGARD TO ANYONE ELSE, OR WHAT THEY THINK.

I ONLY CARE IF I PASS TO MYSELF.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>EVERY NIGHT I GO TO THE WATER AND SIT BENEATH THE SHUDDERING STARS.

AND WAIT FOR THE NORTHERN LIGHTS TO MAKE IN APPEARANCE IN THE SKY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>A GLOWING, GLIMMERING SHIMMERING IN THE SKY.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

EVERY NIGHT: NOTHING.

NOT EVEN THE FAINTEST GLOW.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I THINK: NATURE DOESN'T ALWAYS COMPLY >>> [ MUSIC ] >>WITH OUR WISHES, NATURE JUST IS.

NATURE ALSO DOESN'T WORK IN METAPHORS LIKE LEAKING BOATS, OR BITTER FRUIT.

IT JUST IS.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>AND HERE, ON MY SELF-IMPOSED ISLAND, I CONNECT WITH THE UNIVERSE AND THE UNIVERSE TELLS ME: "YOU ARE AN IDIOT."

IT'S A VERY SIMPLE EQUATION: YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.

YOU CAN BE HAPPY.

THERE IS AN ECHO...AND IT REPEATS: "YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.

YOU CAN BE HAPPY."

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>AND SO I RESOLVE TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY.

AND THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT IS SIMPLE.

AND NATURAL.

NO METAPHORS.

I SLEEP THAT NIGHT LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>THE NEXT MORNING I RISE AND MAKE JAM AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH BETTER BERRIES.

I FIX THE HOLE IN THE BOAT, AND EVEN TRY A YODEL.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>AND I WRITE A DOZEN POSTCARDS, MY FIRST COMMUNICATIO ...WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD IN A WEEK.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>I LET MY HAND GUIDE ME AS I WRIT ND SIGN EACH CARD WITH MY NEW NAME.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>I LOOK AT THE HANDWRITING.

MY TEACHER WOULD NOT HAVE APPROVED.

GRACEFUL SWIRLS, EXPANSIVE ASCENDERS, CROSSES WITH CURLS.

MY WRITING IS NOT LIKE A GIRL'S, OR LIKE A BOY'S.

IT IS MINE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] >>IT IS FREE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ MUSIC ] >>FREE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>GLIMMERING >>> [ MUSIC ] >>SHIMMERINGNORTHERN LIGHTS.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>AND I GO HOME.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>AS ONE.

>>> [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] >>> [ APPLAUSE ] >>> [ APPLAUSE ] >>> [ APPLAUSE ] >>> [ APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERING ] >>> [ APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERING ]