- Major funding for the series I Am More Than was provided by Caring for Denver Foundation.

Additional support for this program was provided by the Colorado Health Foundation and DEMI FUND.

♪ (Music playing) ♪ - My name is Aspen Wright I would say I am more than strong.

I am vulnerable, I can just want somebody else to do it, sometimes.

I am more than just the strong being that I want to always be.

♪ (Music playing) ♪ - The dried flowers and I would say even in the last maybe three or four years I feel like I have really come into myself and who I am and on this journey that I'm on, really stepping into it, to I guess kind of unleash that piece of me and being the very gentle and kind spirit but also very direct and know what I want to get it done.

So how to blend those two things together for my own benefit.

My name is Aspen Wright, I am a registered nurse, oncology nurse and long-term care nurse.

A long-term care is like the side hustle my full-time job I am an oncology nurse I work specifically with breast cancer patients and so I am what's called a nurse navigators I am your direct link and your resource to make sure that your care is moving smoothly and you have everything you need under the sun.

I'm also an educator in the breast cancer space as well.

And I wear a lot of other hats as far as like dog mom, plant mom, daughter, great aunts, I am a caretaker, I'm a leader in a lot of the spaces that I am, I am optimistic, grounded.

I had a good childhood I had a lot of arms around me too.

Between my parents and my brother and my grandma, my cousins, like we just had a big family and that's just what it was.

Holidays were always busy and full and family would come over to grandma's house and kids are outside playing like I had that very chill upbringing.

One memory that stands out the most for me as a child really is like sitting on being a little kid at night and sitting on my grandma's front porch with her.

We would sit on her porch and water the grass.

Very simple, very just being.

I love those moments so much because I love family.

I love those moments that those are the core memories you weren't doing anything but you were doing so much.

Sitting with my grandma, with a water hose and I just watering the grass or sitting in the daytime on her porch looking at the clouds making shapes I love those moments.

She was the caretaker of the family and also the babysitter, and the cook and the hostess, she was all of those things and I spent a lot of time with her when I was young.

I took on a lot of those pieces even with like my baby dolls when I was little we have to make baby dolls clothes, and put their diapers on and feed them.

It's just innate in me.

It's who I am I like to help wherever I can, I like to just be there.

- I honestly don't know if she took care of herself enough and I think that that's more of a generational thing, she was the matriarch of the family at the time, and old black mentality you just kinda keep going.

I know when she was younger she loved her garden so that would be one thing that was like her outlet, she liked to cook so that could've been a way of her taking care of herself and everybody else.

I feel like she just took on and took on and took on.

So if I could just go back and sit with her and talk to her I would definitely find those moments to pamper her.

When my grandma was going through her lung cancer diagnosis when it was diagnosed it had already metastasized to her brain so she lived for about three months or so.

I was about 23 at the time and so I was already in school and working on another degree, something just shifted in me and I was like you know what I really do like being hands on taking care patients or her offer comes, I really like taking care of people.

My job is the most rewarding when when they are like I made it through my cancer treatment journey.

And it's the tears and the high-fives and the hugs and it's all of the celebration of being like I made it through something that you know six months ago or year ago I cannot even see a year from now, and what that was going to look like but I'm here.

My nursing journey through Covid there was so much unknown, but so much of the things that still had to happen because healthcare does not stop otherwise because people are still getting into car accidents, and need to go to the emergency room in the operating room to be worked on and taking care of or people still have cancer or are still having a baby, and now you're adding in this layer of Covid and people are dying from it and how is that going to show up in my other healthcare space.

So it definitely ensued this fear and panic, amongst everybody.

It tested your desire to show up and be that caretaker because now not only do you have to think about your job and function, but what am I bringing home to like my family it gave me that dynamic, it was not what we call like a floor nurse or in the hospitals at the time I was able to work from home.

What it actually kinda gave me was like this light switch to kind of turn on other parts of my brain, to kind of dive into well what else can I do, how can I give back in the space because I am not a floor nurse and I'm not in the trenches of nursing during that time, and so I was like okay I'll go work for the vaccine clinics how can I help even still with this major global thing, how can I show up and be present?

A time in life that bias was shown towards me, was entering into nursing school, was one of two black women in our cohort.

From one particular instructor almost feeling like I wasn't going to show up or wasn't going to get through for whatever reason, and I don't actually know why she had that bias, but she definitely did I remember having a conversation with a black woman who was in our cohort as well, and we did our thing, and also came out on top of our class in the space.

And so it is important for me to kind of look back and recognize that I am in the room because I'm supposed to be in the room.

And not to meet somebody's quota and not to be, I can show you what I can tell you I'm here.

So let's do the thing I think having enough grace to be able to get through it, and not being soft enough to crumble and be like oh she doesn't like me.

Or what's wrong, why am I here?

Having the imposter syndrome to be like no, I'm here because I am supposed to be here and this is where I want to be at that.

If we just knew more about people as they are and where they are and where they've been, we probably would find out that we have so much more in common than not, that would solve so many of our problems if we just talk to each other and not make assumptions and put people in boxes.

You know look at children, you can throw whole bunch of different kids together and they are going to play together.

It's not until we start feeding them differences, that they become different.

So I think we learn from children and watch how they move it would be a happier place.

I think being a caretaker and being a leader is one thing but it comes with the level of sternness, you still had to be that direct person.

I think a lot of people don't recognize that I am actually very tenderhearted.

I think that's what really pushes that caretaker out of me.

My heart is very soft and mushy like I cry at commercials.

I don't know if that this comes out enough I think people know that I care, but I'm a little soft.

It's a matter of being around me too, me being comfortable enough to let down that wall I guess, it's not like a negative wall which is there.

So I guess if you're with me and I happen to be like oh dear, whatever, I think it's more of me who has to be comfortable enough to express that, to whoever else, it's just I need to feel that I'm in a safe space to do that.

I like one thing that did really shift my perspective on life and that gave me my own personal paradigm shift, was the brink of like am I going to have kids or not.

As a little kid I was like I want all the kids, and as I got older that changed and looks different for me, if I had to set up my life by the age of 30 I would have four kids and married and like I have 35 and I have a dog, and life is beautiful and I love that.

Motherhood might look different for me.

I think it took me time to actually be comfortable even saying that.

And it may come back around and look different 10 years ago, that would look a lot different if that was a part of Aspen and a lot less optimistic in that season of life, a lot less I would not say depression because I don't think I was depressed in a space, maybe saddened in the space.

And about five years into that journey is when I have been like life is fine.

Life is good.

That took a lots of talking to God and allowing myself to lean into allowing things to be taken off of my heart.

I feel like when you're so hard-pressed about things nothing is going my way and I want it to be like this but it's not, it's weighing on you.

And so I would say through prayer and leaning into other aspects in me it allowed me to free things thinking of that and saying that in feeling that in breathing God being intentional about that, mindset, does take work, it does take those conversations with friends or family, or if you have a therapist like having those conversations, and knowing it's going to be okay.

You know whatever it looks like it's going to be fine.

And then say okay but what else about life?

What else can you do where else can you be, if not a mother to your own children, what else can you nurture and grow?

I have three nieces, three nieces and six great nieces and nephews.

I love walking in the door and they just come up and are like auntie, and they are so excited and so I feel like I'm definitely that Jay Cole said it best like I'm definitely that middle child where it's like yes I'm an adult and I'm older but I resonate with those who are younger than me too and like to be a caretaker however I can to them they're not my kids but my only kids.

That's how I say that.

I don't have any of my own, I'll do my auntie duties.

I love them for that.

I was thinking about this I want to kind of... Get comfortable.

- That's why I am here right.

- We live in so much of more of a world now where mental health is not this taboo word, it's okay to say I have a therapist, or it is okay to say no I need a moment for myself.

I feel like that was not something that generations past had.

So I definitely know that having those tools now and the level of comfortability that I think so many of us have we have to.

Especially when you are caretaker because if you are not taking care of you then you don't have enough of you to take care of somebody else.

I cannot pour from an empty cup I cannot do it, I tried as best as I could to be in tune with my own personal needs and say what is it that I need today, do I need quiet today?

Do I need to just check out?

Or do I need to go on a hike, be in nature, or do I need my friends or family or go see my little people?

Because they fill me up.

A lot of times actually what I need after a long stressful day is not to have communication because I do communicate so much during the day, I'm like phones off phones down put it away.

And go do some yoga.

Meditate, be in my space, what can I eat?

As far as and that can be anything as far as something healthy, or something not, walking my dog actually and that just gives me a very peaceful be outside, just be outside be silent.

And then when I am ready to come back out, and say I do want to have a phone conversation with somebody or text message being selective, of whose energy I'm bringing because although all of my friends are friends, are my friends and I love them each individually and they're all different, sometimes you need different pieces from them, being able to recognize who you need and what you need and how it's going to show up for you, within you is important for me.

The support systems I have are in my life are huge, I feel like I have so many that are new and I have grown from, I love able to connect with my friends and go do different things with my friends, and they support me however I need it, I can bring any issues to them, or grievances or I need to vent and they are like oh yeah I'm listening, just actually genuinely just listen, that is huge I would say my boyfriend too, he's actually very helpful, he's a person that will say like do you want a suggestion for how I can help you or do you want me to just listen and sometimes that's just what you need because sometimes I just want to yell and be upset and I don't need a suggestion about anything, so that support as well, between family friends and relationships those are probably my biggest support systems there, they are all solid.

If you don't have enough people in your corner, and you are trying to take on and do everything by yourself, I feel like you are almost setting yourself up for disaster you need to be able to bounce ideas off of other people or share your issues with other people to get feedback sometimes because as much as we need to be individuals, and have a mind of our own, we are not made to live in a silo you need your tribe so to speak to be able to flourish.

Really difficult day, was when someone really close to me was diagnosed.

And I recognized I've been doing my job for five years and very well versed in breast cancer I know my stuff.

When this individual was diagnosed it rocked me.

I was like am I losing, I don't know how to educate you what do I do I'm almost flustered and flustered because she's flustered, the family around her is flustered and you are all close in that was hard too.

Because you have to find that dynamic an element to separate your feelings from the job.

But when they are so blended and to be able to separate your emotions is not easy.

And that was not something that I had previously ever had to do in any of my nursing, I had to really dive deep within myself and say okay Aspen, you know how to help, you know what you need to do, get it done.

Feel your emotions and do what you need to do check in with yourself, but also help them, and so having that conversation with myself and again the split of work versus emotions was hard, it is a fine line, and you have to also kind of go back to those moments and that question, do you need support from me right now, and to talk about this or do you want to totally check out and we not talk about it at all because that's also fine, I feel like finding that balance with people that are close to you and when you're going through that, is so important and asking and not ever assuming how to show up for them because I think sometimes when you're really close to people, we assume to a certain degree that we know how they may- what they may want or how they may want you to show up or whatever it is, but being transparent, and just being available but don't be too overbearing, finding that and having conversations.

She's doing well and at the tail end of her journey, and we are all excited and happy and she's making it through and she will be fine.

It's still a tough avenue and I almost found myself treading lightly because you know as much as your lives are blended so to speak, you don't also want to feel like you are overstepping your boundaries.

I meet a lot of patients at least 30 patients a month, and keep them for six months to a year so it's a lot of stress that comes in and wears on my shoulder but it's also I feel like I'm also really good about leaving work at work and not bring it home with me, that's something that I also have to be mindful with the level of autonomy that I do in have my job it's easy for me I could work 24 hours a day if I wanted to, just helping them do this or need to call this patient back, but knowing also that the day is done.

And setting it down.

And saying okay, we can do this tomorrow.

I always like to say that's tomorrow Aspen's problem, today Aspen is going to go do whatever she wants to do today.

You have to be able to ebb and flow in life, you have to be able to move with whatever life is going to throw at you, and be comfortable with whatever is going to come because you don't know, nobody knows what tomorrow holds.

And as scary as that is, I guess trust the process you know, trust the process.

If you could at least do that much, it will lead you to the next step, the next step, the next step if you start to be too rigid, or too hard on yourself, you will never really move, you will never get anywhere.

So I would say yeah trust the process.

- I like it.

I do.

- No.

I like just the ease of it.

Definitely.

I'm happy.

I am.

There's nothing that I feel like I'm missing or need more of or anything like that.

I will talk about the colors because I feel like that's an important piece of it all the yellow going back to the optimism, and the component, the openness and the freedom that freedom ties into the bird and being able to soar and just be free.

Sail off into the bliss, very intentionally though with the cage being at the bottom, just a reminder to not be a caged bird and to you know go out and spread your wings and go where you want to go, the reason why I chose a stream is even though it is a path it is fluid.

So with the bird flying over its path, and still understanding that even with the current and changes in the water it still moves even though that's your path.

And then the trees are representative of being grounded and being sturdy and strong, and ever changing and growing.

Those are all the dynamics tied into one.

I love sunsets.

It feels vulnerable actually which is a good thing because it's all way to kind of shed some own enlightenment over yourself and so the process it was I would say that my work would be just vulnerable, different components of yourself and bringing them into the surface and explaining why that is very comfortable at the same time.

I really love this experience I do it is not often that I get to really you think about your thoughts and how you feel but to actually share them outwardly and hopefully be affected and help somebody else do that, has been a really cool experience and like I said I feel like even from again our first encounter altogether even till now, I feel like I've grown just because nearly speaking about myself and even asking those questions to other people and being life how do you feel about that question in regards to me or even about yourself.

It's been a growth phase so I would like to thank you guys.

♪ (Music playing) ♪