(thunder crashes) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ ♪ On Nightmare Theatre ♪ No no Mittens- in the movies had it all wrong.

They made cowboy life look exciting and thrilling.

Cattle drives and saloons and spittoons, oiled up leather spurs.

That jingle jangle jingle chaps!

Yeah, yeah.

Like those pants Sapo wears once in a while.

There was land, Lots of land and starry skies above.

The movies made it look so wonderful.

But it wasn't.

It wasn't at all.

Minton's It was often a lawless hellscape, and there weren't enough sheriffs or marshals.

So the law of the land was frontier justice, and it was swift.

Let me paint this horrifying scene for you.

Picture a ragtag band of tired cowpokes, weary and beaten down by the events of the day.

Each day was a fight for survival in every sense of the word.

The only thing they had to look forward to at the end of the day was their meager evening meal.

A meal with simple beans, maybe some dried meat.

The only luxury was the sauce to cook, made from scratch to go with the meal.

That night, when the cook delivered the food and passed around the sauce bottle, the tired cattlemen immediately noticed something had gone terribly, terribly wrong.

The sauce wasn't good.

It was bland and watery.

It wasn't homemade.

One of the men grabbed the bottle and noticed it said Made in New York City.

And collectively, the men said.

New York City.

Get a rope.

Business was handled and justice was delivered.

Oh, shoot.

We're on.

Later, I'll show you that video of that time, that cowgirl lassoed El Sapo and hogtied him.

It was great.

Hello and welcome to Nightmare Theatre.

I am your host.

I am very of Van Doren.

And here with me is Mittens, the Werewolf.

And we were just discussing Crime and Punishment as we wait for the biggest criminal of all, El Centro de Tempesta to show up with tonight's movie.

I was listening to the police scanner earlier and they still haven't picked him up yet.

What?

Oh, no.

They'll get them.

Artists will pay off.

They will get him, and we will split the reward right down the middle.

But until they do, we have enough to continue the charade of pretending to like him.

Folks, as I was saying, we are, as always, waiting for El Sapo to show up with tonight's movie.

Oh, here I am, fellas.

I'm glad you saw fit to join us.

I get so worried when we are well into the show.

And you haven't shown up yet.

Well, it wasn't my fault this time.

Oh, of course not.

I heard there was some kind of carnival or carnival in town.

Then you join the freak show.

That's great news.

Is it a traveling carnival?

Will you be gone long?

No, I did not join their freak show.

I tried, but they said no holiday.

So when I was there, I decided I wanted to try my hand at writing one of those donkeys.

They got down there.

They do not have donkey rides.

Pony rides, maybe, but no, no.

Donkey donkeys.

Zebra, pony, aardvark, mule hippo.

I might not know their names, but I know their games and I wanted to try my hand at writing one.

And did you.

Know they said the pony rides were only for kids and they wouldn't let me?

That's right.

Everyone knows that a grown man can't ride the ponies at the carnival.

Well, I wasn't about to take no for an answer, so I tried.

I tried to pretend I was a kid.

You're, what, like 84?

No one is going to believe you're a child unless you talk to them.

Maybe that might make them think you're a child, but.

But there's no way you can pass for 12.

I found that out.

I also found out where they keep the extra ponies.

So I jumped the fence and climbed into the corral and hopped on one.

And how'd that go?

Ponies bite, boss.

Did you know that?

I did know that.

And they kicked, too.

And they work as a well coordinated team.

They surely.

Do.

So one pony had my hand in his teeth.

Right.

And he was biting real hard.

Another one was kicking me in the head, and the rest were making these angry pony sounds.

Which.

Which I don't think we're greetings or compliments.

And I was screaming my head off, and I looked up to the left, and then I saw a whole bunch of carnies, you know, who up to this point I'd always been told were nature's noblemen.

And I thought they were coming to save my hide.

And how'd that work out?

Oh, no.

They were there to protect those taking in biting wild beasts who, believe me, did not need protection from me.

Not against you.

That's exactly right.

So I tried my hand out of a donkey's mouth.

Ponies, My Little pony.

And I took off a run, and I had to knock down the bearded lady because she bought my path.

She said to tell you Hello, Mittens.

And she used to ask me why you never write to her.

But luckily, I got away with all of my life and half of my hide.

So you got away.

But do you have a move?

I'm lucky to be alive and in one piece.

So we got nothing to.

Show.

We have something to show.

The guy who barks for the yap woman was chasing me.

He can run very, very fast for a man with one leg.

And I was running for my life.

And I saw an opening between the fences.

And I knew.

I knew right then and there.

I was home free.

No man alive can outrun me when I see an escape.

And I also saw this little film community, I guess my weight booth lodged in between the Molly Hatchet.

Brandon is on the Cheryl Ladd poster, so I grabbed it as I ran by.

Just to put it on the table.

Maybe you could.

Maybe you could show it.

When I go scour the complex for a movie.

I guess I'll have to honor.

I'll go find It's a good one.

Geez, you'd think at least one of those ponies would have landed a kick hard enough to knock some sense into that head of his.

Oh, well, I'm sure this time tomorrow, some other animal will be kicking him or biting them.

Maybe that'll be my lucky day.

Let me see what he gave us.

Of course.

The Undersea Kingdom.

Chapter seven, The Submarine Trap.

Now, I've always enjoyed submarines.

I like that Captain Nemo fell on 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

If I could get on a submarine and spend the rest of my days under the way as well, that'd be fine with me.

However, if I were in a sub at the bottom of the sea, even six miles down and this was all I had to watch, I'd take a deep breath, wiggle my way through a porthole, and swim my way to the surface.

I'm sure I can hold my breath for that long.

After all, I've ridden in a lot of elevators with all SAPO folks.

Here's yet another chapter in the never ending saga that is the undersea colony now.

Oh, right, Right.

The Undersea Kingdom.

I really can't see what difference it makes this awful, no matter what we call it.

We're stuck with it.

So sit back, relax, and take a look at chapter seven, The submarine trap here on Nightmare Theatre.

- Look, they're getting away!

- Start the projector, we'll blow them to pieces!

- Hold on tight!

- We'll have no more trouble from Corrigan!

- I'm gonna jump!

- Billy!

Billy!

- We can't send out a rescue party.

The juggernaut is at our gates.

- But Crash and the others are at the mercy of that madman, Unga Kahn!

- I think I know a way of tricking them.

- Unga Kahn's orders are that no white robe shall enter or leave the city.

- Look, the gates are opening!

- We've been tricked!

It's a dummy!

- I can walk all right, Crash, let me down.

- You sure?

Take it easy, now.

- There's our chariot!

- Ha!

Hurry!

Someone may see us from the tower!

- An enemy chariot!

- Turn out the pursuit chariots!

Bring them back, they must be captured!

(charioteers yelling) - Maybe you better take the reins!

- They're gaining on us!

- Keep driving!

- We'll never make it!

- We will if we beat them to that gap!

- Whoa!

- Quick, Billy!

- Our commander approaches!

Turn out the guards!

- Turn out the guards!

- They're expecting us, alright!

- Guard, salute!

- Too bad Crash wasn't able to rescue Professor Norton from the tower.

- He could have.

Dad didn't want to be rescued.

- Unga Kahn has transformed his mind and is forcing him to build rocket motors.

- What does Unga Kahn propose to do with rocket motors down here in Atlantis?

- He plans to raise his metal tower to the upper world to conquer or destroy our civilization.

- Impossible!

You can't start rocket motors without priming powder, and there isn't any here in Atlantis.

- Well, maybe he's going to get some from the submarine.

- We'll soon put a stop to that!

Come on, Billy.

- These are the exhaust tubes, Master.

When the rocket motors are started, the tremendous heat will melt the tower from its base, and start it up.

- How long will I have to wait before you start the full size motors?

- They're practically ready now, Master!

I have but one more test to make.

- Your Imperial Majesty.

Crash Corrigan is headed to the inland sea to get the priming powder from Professor Norton's submarine.

- Priming powder?

- Yes, Master.

I'll need it to start the rocket motors.

- Why haven't you brought it here before this?

- It's safe on the submarine.

- Nothing is safe with Crash Corrigan around!

Order Captain Hakur to get that priming powder at all costs!

- Whoa Too bad for us your dad told Unga Kahn where he hid that control box.

Come on, Billy.

It's here, alright.

- Gee, I hope it still works.

Yep, there she comes!

- Stay with the chariot, Billy, I'll go down to the submarine and get the priming powder.

Be careful with these, Billy.

They go off like dynamite!

- Soldiers!

- Duck deeper in those trees and keep out of sight, I'll get the rest of the powder!

- He must've brought the powder ashore.

We'll surprise him.

Spread out!

Guardsmen!

- This'll blow up the priming powder!

(explosion) Well, hello and welcome back.

That was chapter seven of the Undersea Kingdom.

And that my friends, is how you end things.

A big explosion with a sky full of smoke.

However, I have no hopes or dreams.

That explosion actually ended things.

I'm Ben Crash flapped his arms and flew away.

Or something equally ridiculous.

And speaking of ridiculous, I wonder where El Sapo is with tonight's movie.

I'm not sure what could be keeping him.

He's really not.

Here I am, boss.

Here I am, Mittens.

Yes, there you are.

Was there anything good on that?

Can I give you?

No.

Well, maybe next time.

Maybe I'll find something good.

Next?

Yeah, Yeah.

Maybe next time.

Let me ask the eternal question.

Did you find a movie?

I surely did.

What do you think?

You could show it to me.

Here you go, boss.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

This.

This is Attack of the Giant Leeches.

Oh, that sounds great.

Leeches are great when they are small.

I can't imagine how great a giant leech would be.

And a whole movie about an attack.

A giant leeches.

That's going to be great.

Great TV.

Great.

It's not great.

It's awful.

Wait.

Which version is this?

What do you mean, boss?

Well, there are two movies with this name.

One was made in 1959, and there was a remake in 2008.

Is one better than the other, Mary?

I found the good one.

No.

Both are awful.

Simply awful.

Let me look at the can again.

Yeah.

Looks like this is a 1959 one directed by Bernard Kowalski and starring Ken Clarke.

This is bad.

This is really.

Bad.

It can't be that bad.

Oh, yes, it is.

In fact, I'm going to do something I seldom do, and I'm going to make a direct appeal to the audience.

My friends, I am appealing to your senses of justice, sanity and decency.

Please help me on the northeast corner of our building, about six feet off the ground is a red fuze box.

Please, someone, anyone.

Open that box and remove the three green fuzes that will take us all fine long enough for us to find another movie.

What?

There ain't no other movies.

This is the only one we have.

Then we won't show anything.

Call the affiliates, tell them to dig up some old episodes of Justin Wilson.

Like that one race tells the Is You the Widow Boudreaux joke, or maybe the McLaughlin Group Show.

So that one where the host yells wrong every time somebody says something he disagrees with.

Heck, you can even show an old episode of Inspector Morse or Zoom for all I care.

I'm not showing this.

It's bad.

Oh, come on, Come on.

There has to be something good in this movie.

No, no, there's nothing.

Something.

No going to be something.

One thing.

One good little peanut butter cooking that dirty box of orange chocolate creams.

There's got to be something.

Are you not listening to me?

Do you hear me?

There is nothing at all good here.

Nothing.

Well.

Hi there, hot dog.

There it is.

There it is.

John.

See, Charlie was the assistant director, but he was uncredited.

It was one of his first jobs in the industry.

And he's not a bad guy.

Well, what else did he do?

That was good.

He was the assistant director on some great movies, Blazing Saddles, Kelly's Heroes, as well as several episodes of The Dick Van Dike Show.

He was also the production manager on the Breakfast Club.

Oh, that.

What was that?

A good movie.

I liked it.

And that means it's good.

Good music, good actors, good writing.

I remember that movie now.

Judd Hirsch was great in that movie.

That was Judd.

Nelson.

You know, I kind of like those movies in the eighties about the Troubled teen.

I myself was a bit of a troubled teen.

Yeah, I'm sure you were a troubled teen and a troubled baby and a troubled toddler and a troubled middle aged man.

A troubled elderly man.

Just troubled, Troubled man.

It's not easy.

I'm here to tell you.

Well, you do bring a lot of it on yourself.

You know, maybe I ought to make a list of things that I can approve, improve upon.

Well, clear your calendar for the next five years.

That ought to be enough time, folks.

Sit back, relax.

As we present Attack of the Giant Leeches here on Nightmare Theatre.

(gunshot) (screeching) (theme music) (record playing) (cheering) - Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- Just hold it a second, Lem.

Liz?

You hear me, girl?

- What do you want now?

- Gotta play that thing so loud?

What you come out like this for?

- Oh, don't bother me.

- Liz!

Someday, I'm gonna give that she-cat the whoppin' she's been asking for.

- Sure, you will, Dave.

Lay the law down to her.

Let her know who wears the pants around here.

- I'll be back in a minute.

- Any whoopin's done back there, I'll lay you a jug she'll be doing it.

- Come on now, Lem, and tell us about that thing you killed out there at the swamp.

- Yeah, Lem.

Let's hear the rest of that.

- Like I was saying, I put five slugs into that critter before it went under!

Doggonest thing I ever seen.

Had regular arms on it like a man!

But it was sorta different-looking.

Had suckers on 'em.

Like one of them-- like one of them octopuses things!

Oh, it was plumb awful.

- Lem, you sure that critter wasn't pink?

- Naw!

I told you before it was sorta gray-looking.

Well, laugh if you want.

But that thing weren't nothing nature put out there!

No, sir.

And it weren't no freak gator, neither!

I been poaching this country for 40 years, and I ain't never seen nothing like it!

- Well, too bad you didn't bring it back.

Steve Benton'd probably pay a fair bounty for whatever it was.

- Bounty?

I wouldn't touch that critter for all the money ever made!

And if you'd seen it, you wouldn't neither!

- You better take it easy on that stuff, you looking kinda peaked.

- Aw.

I'm gonna clean my otter lines out before morning.

- Lem, I think that critter's a ghost of one of those otters you been poaching all these years, coming back to haunt you.

- Well, if that's so, you fellers will see it right quick yourselves!

(men laughing) - Boy, he's lost it.

(record playing) (bluesy music plays) - Now look, it's not like I wanna be mean or anything like that, Liz baby.

I got a reputation around here.

These folks have no respect for a man who lets his woman boss him.

Why, next thing you know, they'll be laughing at me, and they'll be telling all the rest of the-- won't you please listen to me, Liz baby?

Liz?

- Stop looking at me like that.

- I'll look at you any way I want!

You're my wife.

- Don't touch me!

- Who do you think you're talking to?

"Don't touch me."

You're my wife!

I'll touch you any time I feel like it!

Where you going?

Where you going?

- I'm going out.

Maybe I'll be back.

Maybe I won't.

- Look, Liz baby, I didn't mean nothing!

Well, hello and welcome back.

Boy, this is some movie tonight, huh?

Nope, nope.

I tell you, there sure are some weird looking people in this here movie.

Yeah, I'm rooting for the leeches myself.

Yeah, me too.

But, boss, boss, who are the people in this movie?

Mostly bad actors.

You'll never find a more wretched hive of ham fisted bad actors.

Sapo I ask you this.

Who is that pretty lady?

There's no pretty lady in this movie.

You know the one I mean, a pretty lady married to that great big boy.

Oh, her.

Her name is a vet, Vickers.

I like her.

She reminds me of my mom.

I bet she does.

What else with you?

Well, she portrayed Honey Parker in Attack of the 50 foot Woman.

She was in a lot of other bad movies.

But believe it or not, she was in Billy Wilder's classic Sunset Boulevard.

But she ended up being uncredited.

Well, she should get credit because I like the way she looks.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but there's a very sad story about.

Her rather than being in this movie.

Yes.

I mean, she was a cult icon and was very popular in sci fi conventions.

Stephen King wrote about her in one of his books and she was once a Playmate of the Month.

She was very well liked, but she was a deeply troubled person.

She became very paranoid and sealed herself in her house, and she lived like a recluse for 20 years.

In 2011, her body was found in the house and the coroner estimated she'd been dead for a year.

She was 82.

It was very sad.

That's awful.

Yes.

So glad you brought us this movie.

No, I'm not.

Is there any anyone else in this movie I should know about?

Well, it also stars Bruno Soto.

He looks like a dollar store.

Dan Blocker in this movie.

I think he plays the sweaty est oil iest man.

Alive next to me.

Yeah, well, the soda was in a literal galaxy of bad movies.

He was in Daddio creature of the walking Dead.

And I swear, I'm not making this up.

Hells Angels on Wheels, just to name a few.

I'd like to say this is his best performance, but that implies there's some sort of linear progression in the Soto's acting abilities.

And there.

Isn't.

Is there anyone else I should know about?

Well, there are a lot of people in the movie, just as Hamilton and George are in it.

Those two boys were stock characters on The Andy Griffith Show.

It also stars Jan Sheppard.

She played Nan Grayson.

I have nothing untoward to say about her.

She was in this movie and I imagine she deeply, deeply regretted it.

We all make bad decisions once in a while, but it usually doesn't make us bad people.

Except in your case.

Well, what else was she in?

Oh, a couple of Elvis movies.

King Creole and Paradise, Hawaiian style.

Other than that, it was largely TV roles and nationwide apology territories for being in this movie.

Oh, and get this, this movie was produced by Gene Corman, who was Roger Corman's brother.

Ooh.

So I bet it comes with the famous Corman feel of high quality.

Yeah, More like the infamous Corman stain of incompetent Blueberry.

Was Gene Corman as hippies.

Now it's happened as fresh, as wild, as cool, as well as his brother Roger.

He was worse, and Gene Corman was even cheaper than his brother, if you can believe that in this particular movie, Gene didn't want to pay the camera guys any extra money to film in the water.

So he strapped on a bathing suit and did it himself.

I don't blame him.

You should have fired those ingrates.

Did he do a good job of filming in the water?

No, he didn't.

But he made his point.

Of course, later that week, he caught pneumonia and spent several days in the hospital.

Serves him right.

He should have treated his employees better.

Now, employees are a dime for three dozen.

One things that Corman's got right, employees are lucky to be working at all.

If any employee doesn't want to do a job, he should be fired.

Oh, I wouldn't want to go splashing around in the swamp, be the boss.

Even if I was working on a big time movie with a big guy like The Corman's.

But luckily for me, Minton's is our swamp and deep water guy.

Oh, buddy, I know you don't care for the water.

I know it makes your fur look wild, stringy and unmanageable, like McNulty's hair.

No conditioner made by the hand.

A man can tame that fur once it gets wet.

I'll see what I can do about finding someone else to take your place in the swamps, ponds, creeks, ditches and lakes.

Like maybe over here.

Don't, don't.

Don't look at me.

I hate the water.

I'm scared of what's down there.

I just don't like getting in, in or even near the water.

One time I went in a wading down by the creek and a hobo stole my shoes.

I bet he regretted.

That his feature did.

Folks, I don't.

I don't want to talk anymore about some hobos feet sliding into Sappho's shoes.

And I'm sure you don't want to hear about them either.

So let's get back to attacking the giant leeches here on Nightmare Theatre.

And by the way, I am aware of that.

Sapo Feet and this movie are equal on their impulsiveness meter, so you need not send me a card or letter telling me so.

- Well, there was a young one in that last trap.

I had to kill it.

- Oh, poor thing!

- Told you you shouldn't have come along.

Well, I can understand hunting an animal, but making it suffer in those traps.

Horrible.

- Well, these poachers know the swamps like the back of their hands.

But I'll catch one of them in the act some night and put him away for six months.

In the meantime, I'll have to be satisfied confiscating their trap lines.

They lose enough traps, it won't pay them to keep trying.

- Well, be careful, darling.

These people aren't like other folks.

You know, they'll try and get back at you.

- Let 'em try.

- Steve, you're a stranger here.

They've lived this way for generations.

One man isn't gonna change them overnight.

- You're a real worrywort.

- Oh, I'm serious, Steve.

They can be dangerous.

- OK.

I'll be careful.

You just stop worrying.

- Oh, Steve, I love you.

I love you so much.

(man screams) What was that?

- I don't know.

You get in the truck and lock it up.

(woman screams) - Listen, Benton.

The coroner ruled that Sawyer died in a misadventure.

Now as far as this office is concerned, that's the end of it.

- But, Sheriff, I can't see why there-- - Look, if Lem was killed by anything human, I wouldn't need you to tell me my job.

But I'm not about to go tromping through the swamp looking for an overgrowed gator!

- Sawyer wasn't killed by an alligator.

- Is that so?

Did you hear that, Morton?

Game Warden Benton says it wasn't a gator killed Lem.

Well then, what was it?

You know so much, go on, tell me.

What killed him?

- Doc Greyson said the wounds were the kind a squid or a large octopus might cause.

- Oh, sure.

And did Greyson explain how a saltwater creature happened to be 30 miles inland, living in Clearwater?

- Stranger things have happened.

I know of-- - Look here, Benton.

You work for the state.

Now why don't you keep your nose out of county business?

Is that clear enough for you?

- Oh, go soak your fat head.

- What was that you said?

- I said, go soak your fat head!

- That boy's looking for bad trouble.

And he's sure gonna get it!

You can bet on that!

- You see, the octopi uses its suction disks to hold its prey.

Now in itself, the disk will not inflict a wound.

Same is true of the squid.

Now both creatures have a parrot-like beak as their primary offensive and defensive weapon.

- Well, maybe the Sheriff was right, Dad.

Could be a freak or a malformed alligator.

- No.

No, I'm afraid it wasn't.

- Well, where does that leave us, Doc?

- I wish I knew.

You know, I'm beginning to think Lem was telling the truth in Walker's store.

He did see something that night.

Something that had intelligence enough to seek him out and destroy him later.

- But Sawyer claims to have killed the thing he saw, put a halfa dozen rifle bullets into it.

I've seen that old .44-40 he used.

Nothing could live after being hit with those slugs.

- Well, conceding the possibility of one such creature, we must also concede the possibility of others.

- Well, there's one sure way of finding out.

Go in and search every backwater, channel, and wet spot in the swamp.

If it's there, I'll find it.

Hello and welcome back.

We hope you're enjoying the Attack of the Giant Leeches for my money.

So long as the leeches confine their attacks to order poachers and rednecks.

They're okay.

In my book.

I just noticed something about this movie.

It has things that live under the water in it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

And so there's the undersea kingdom.

And your point.

Is that there have been a lot of movies and shows about what happens underwater.

Yep, There have been many movies about the Briny Deep, The Ocean holds lots of mysteries.

In fact, we know more about the surface of the moon than we do about the bottom of the ocean.

I bet there is all kinds of neat stuff down there.

You know, there's probably neat stuff on the moon, too.

Well, you should visit one of those places.

Or maybe both.

You know, I've been thinking about that.

Yeah, me too.

Me, too.

I would love to go on a vacation somewhere someday.

Somehow I'll help you pack.

When I don't have any vacation or sick.

Days.

Oh, that is typical.

I wish my contract had sick days and vacation days.

Well, unfortunately, it doesn't.

It just seems like I do a lot of work around here.

You do?

I mean.

I mean, I'm assigned.

I'm assigned a lot of work around here.

Which you don't do.

Well, maybe if I get some, you know, some recognition once in a while or maybe some vacation or sick days.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

Is there any way we can change that contract to include vacation and sick days?

Not that I can think of.

I'll tell you the same thing.

Jean Korman should have said to those disloyal employees he had.

You're lucky to have a job.

Folks, let's watch just a little bit more of Attack of the Giant Leeches here on Nightmare Theatre.

- Sure is quiet around here.

(loud splashing) - Did you hear something?

- Yes.

- Well, whatever it was, it's not here anymore.

(bubbling) - Did you want some coffee?

- Yeah.

Thanks, hun.

- An army could hide in here and never be noticed.

- Well, one did.

- What?

- The Seminoles under Osceola in the 1830s.

Took the US Army two years to round them up.

- Oh, I remember reading about Osceola in high school.

Two years.

We've only been at it two days and I feel worn out.

- Well, we might as well keep on looking around.

Well, I guess we may as well give up for the day.

- You won't get any arguments from me.

- I'm asking you for the last time, Dave Walker.

Will you answer me, you dirty old man?

- I ain't dirty, Liz baby.

- "Liz baby."

"Liz honey."

Can't you think of anything else to say, stupid?

- I gotta get this order over to Ms. Showby.

She's one of my better customers.

Can't keep her waiting.

I love you, Liz baby.

- Get out!

Get out, you fat pig!

- Did you, um, have some trouble, Dave?

- You know women, Cal.

Gotta get their hair down every now and then.

- You sure do know an awful lot about females.

I gotta hand it to you.

- I can't stand here jawing, Cal.

Gotta get this order over to Ms. Showby.

- What she letting her hair down about this time?

- Well, Ever since Lem got hisself killed, she wants me to sell out and move into town.

- Don't you let her bamboozle you, Dave.

Keep her right here in the store.

After all, place wouldn't be the same without you around.

- Thanks, Cal.

I better get going.

See you when I get back.

- Yeah, I'll be around.

(record playing) Liz, baby.

It's Cal, honey.

- You want something, Cal?

- I sure do, honey.

- Tired?

- Oh, I'm dead.

- Me too.

Come on over here.

Seems kind of silly knocking ourselves out looking for something we aren't even sure exists.

- What do you mean?

- You know, we've covered miles of back channel and haven't come across anything to support your father's theory of an alien creature.

Not so much as a mud print we couldn't identify.

- I know.

You're not gonna give up, are you, Steve?

- Well, I can't waste anymore time on a wild goose chase.

With all respect to your father's ideas.

- But Dad seemed so sure.

Welcome back, folks.

The Attack of the Giant Leeches is every bit as bad as I said it was, isn't it, Sappho?

Would you like to take a moment to apologize to the good people at home for what you've subjected them to?

I said, Sappho, would you like that one?

What?

Oh, wow, you're right.

I didn't even notice he wasn't there.

Folks, this is a rare treat.

He's not here.

And that means I have time to have an intelligent, if one sided conversation with you folks about the world we live in and life in general.

Those are the conversations I like best.

Now, first off.

Territory or territory or.

I know it shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

He's.

He's coming back.

It's here.

It's here.

It's here.

Hot diggity dog.

It is here.

Why are you shrieking like a hopped up fish?

Here?

I want here.

What's gotten you so riled up, boss?

Today is the greatest day we've ever known.

Or at least at least one of the best days of the year.

Okay.

Okay.

I should be used to this by now.

You see the camera?

You see that red light?

You know what?

You know this is a workday, right?

You do realize we're in the middle of something here?

We're right in the middle of showing a terrible movie.

A movie you brought us, I might add.

So what is so great about this terrible, terrible day?

Oh, come on.

You both know what today is.

Not only do I not know, I don't care.

But I'll tell you what.

I'll play along If it means we don't have to watch any more of this movie, Say, SAPO.

Tell us what day is today.

I'm glad you asked, Bosses.

One of the most important days for the employees and associates of Condor and global industries.

It's the day we look forward to all You know what?

You know what I mean?

I have literally no idea what you mean.

The only day I'm looking forward to is the day.

Good people at Yield Nut House come in and cart you off.

Oh, come on.

You both know what day today is.

I do not.

And my patience is wearing thin.

So if I were you and thank goodness I'm not, I would get to the point and quick.

Let me get into to give you a hint, it only happens three times a year and it's today.

Oh, is it your birthday again already?

I better warn the affiliates to keep the Killswitch ready in case you try to film yourself bathing again.

No, no, no, no, no.

Bath aid for a few more weeks.

Today is one of the three best days of the year.

I mean.

You hang out with them all the time.

You speak his language.

Do you know what he's talking about?

You know what?

Today is?

Hmm.

Maybe so.

Let's see.

Is it the birthday of some washed up TV star no one has heard of in decades yet you still make a big deal about, I don't know, Lonnie Donegan or maybe Joey Ross.

What has been was born today.

Well, who's part of you're going to waste your time with?

You had a good time at that party for Richard Klein we had the other day.

Yes.

That regal beagle shaped cake was good, but I've had enough of this tomfoolery.

Tell me what day it is.

And let's get this over and done with.

It's the day of the tri annual Van Doren Global Industries employee newsletter comes out.

We still.

Do that.

Oh, indeed we do.

And I just got my copy in the mail.

We mail them out.

How much does that cost?

No, nothing.

I stole a bunch of stamps that day.

Mittens chased a mailman into the next town.

Good.

Yes.

You know, I always looked forward to this particular issue of the newsletter.

It's when we published the Employee of the Year.

They only give that out once a year.

Oh, really?

Yeah, And it's got tons of other neat stuff in it.

Look, look.

Oh, the Cure Readers recipe for baked egg.

I can't wait to try that.

And Mittens has his recommendations for the best summertime sombreros.

There is just lots of stuff here in this newsletter.

You got anything in there?

Well, no.

My articles are rejected because when they ran up through the spell checker on a computer, fire burned down the fifth level.

No surprise.

There.

But the employee of the year ought to be in here somewhere.

It really ought to be in here.

So you have money better on or something.

Why are you so interested?

I just.

I just have a feeling about this year.

I had a feeling we were going to get a good movie tonight.

I was wrong.

Don't put too much stock in feelings.

I'll Saffo.

They will always disappoint you, folks.

Let's get back to Attack of the Giant Leeches here on Nightmare Theatre.

Got to be in here somewhere.

Maybe somewhere near the back.

(crickets chirping) - You're some woman, Liz.

I reckon I never met a woman like you before.

- You really like me, Cal?

- Are you kidding?

Oh, no.

I didn't hurt you now, did I?

- It's just that you're so strong.

I-- I like a man who's strong.

(Cal laughs) - You sure picked a doozy, that man Dave.

I don't think he's got a muscle in him.

Just a big piece of flab.

Oh, now, I didn't mean anything against you.

Just that I can't see a-- a real woman like you tying in with a tub of lard like him.

- You wouldn't understand, Cal.

You know, I-- I wanted to tell you.

You just wouldn't understand.

- Try me.

Come on, you tell old Cal all about it.

- You wouldn't think bad of me?

- Crazy!

You could tell me you killed your pa, and your ma, and your whole family, I'd fight to protect you.

- My first husband was a no-good bum.

Couldn't keep a job more than a week.

Used to get lushed up, come home and beat up on me.

- He must have been a prize pig.

- One night, he tried to hold up a gas station.

He was so drunk, he couldn't even run.

They caught him less than a mile away.

Got sent up.

I got a divorce.

- That's rough.

- After three years working in a lousy beanery I was ready for the first guy that said a nice word to me.

It was Dave.

That's it.

- God, I wish it had been me.

I'd know how to take care of a woman like you, Liz.

- You maybe a little too late, Cal.

- You're wrong, woman.

It's too late for the both of you.

Get up.

Come on, get up!

- Now look, Dave.

I-- I know what you're thinking, but-- - I got double large shot in this here thing.

You got two seconds before I pull the trigger.

- No point getting riled, Dave.

Wasn't my fault.

Why, she's been pestering me for months to take her out.

- Sure, Cal.

I understand.

Get her up so I can get a better look at the lying little tramp.

Come on, get her up.

- Come on, get up.

- No, Cal.

No!

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me!

- (whispers) We'll jump him.

Your husband wants to take a look at you.

You-- you walk all the way, Dave?

- One more step and I'll blow you plumb in two.

Get over there!

- Now-- now, Dave, it ain't as bad as you think.

- Shut up!

Tramp.

- What are you gonna do?

- You'll find out soon enough.

- Dave, you put down that gun before I get mad and make you eat it!

- You go ahead and try, Cal.

Go right ahead and try.

(gunshot) Move.

Move!

(gunshot) (gunshot) - Come on!

Come on!

(gunshot) - I can't go any further!

No.

- Come on.

Come on!

- Go on, run!

Run till you drop!

(gunshot) (gunshot) - I'm telling you, I can't go anymore.

I can't.

You gotta let me stop running!

- Shut up!

(gunshot) If we keep moving we gotta full shot!

- I can't go on.

Cal?

(gunshot) - Come on, keep going.

- Dave, please, you gotta listen!

It wasn't my fault, honest!

She kept playing up to me every time you turned your back.

It wasn't my fault!

- You call yourself a man!

You and your muscles!

- Shut up, you tramp!

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be in this fix, and my old friend Dave wouldn't be doing this thing to me.

It's all your fault!

- Oh!

- Get going.

- But-- but, Dave-- Dave, we been friends, we been friends a long time, Dave!

You wouldn't-- you wouldn't kill an old friend, Dave?

- If you don't move, I'll kill you where you stand.

- But, Dave-- (gunshot) - You brave, big man.

- Keep going.

- I didn't mean it, Dave!

I swear, I didn't mean it!

Dave, they'll kill us out here!

Please, Dave!

- I'm sorry, hon, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

(Liz sobs) Please, I'm sorry, honey.

I'm sorry, Dave!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!

I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry.

- You think you've learned enough to stay away from my woman, Cal?

- Oh!

Oh!

Anything, Dave!

- I'll move out of the county, I'll do anything you say, Dave!

Anything!

- All right.

Come on outta there.

(bubbling) - Dave!

Dave!

Give me a hand!

Dave!

- My god.

Look out.

Look out!

Behind you!

(Liz screams) Hello and welcome back.

My goodness.

This movie is filled with some truly sweaty and grimy people, isn't it?

You know something, Saffo?

These guys make you look like Tyrone Power.

I don't know who that is.

Besides, I have been watching.

I've been looking through this thing, trying to find the a bit about the employee of the year.

You know, I did some checking with the boys down in record management.

You have one at 34 times.

Men's is one at 5059 times.

The guy down the sub sub sub sub basement he is went 28 times and Leonard Abernathy has won it three times.

How many times have you won?

But this is my year.

I can feel.

It.

Oh, you think so?

What did I tell you about feeling Sapo?

Wait, wait.

I found it.

Here goes.

Van Doren Industries is proud to present its Employee of the Year to.

Do you need help reading some of the bigger words or.

No, I think I got it.

Well, who wanted this year?

You did.

Oh, good for me.

I'll get the best parking spot in the 35% off coupon to use at the Corndog Castle.

Oh, well, SAPO, better luck next year.

That's it.

That's the straw that broke the camel's back.

The straw that brought the camel back.

What does that even mean?

For far too long, I have been unappreciated and ignored.

No sick days, no vacation days, no recognition.

I am going on strike.

All right.

Have a good time there.

Norma Rae.

I'm on strike.

I am done now.

Where are.

You?

Nope, not at all.

I mean it.

Strike, Esther.

Right.

Strike.

Good for you.

But shouldn't you be getting out to the picket line right about now?

You can't have a good strike without a picket line.

Oh, and you'll need signs and something to chant while you're marching on the picket line.

Get going.

Get out there and do it.

Well, what are you going to do without me?

How are you going to get by?

I'll grow, I'll survive.

I'll thrive, succeed, Prevail, Excel.

I'm going to be fine.

What?

What?

Oh, yeah, right.

We will be.

Fine.

Oh, yeah.

Smart guys.

Well, who's going to cook dinner for you all?

Did you ever think about that?

You are never going to replace a man like me with my great skills in the kitchen.

Listen, I know how to burn chicken and potatoes.

I know how to operate a can opener and push a button on a microwave.

How can it be to work an air fryer and mittens here can run out for chicken and waffles.

If things get bad, go stick it to the man.

Which in this case is me.

By the way, enjoy your strike.

We'll be fine.

We'll just see about that.

Workers of the world unite.

Come with me.

Shoplifters of the world.

You can come along to join me.

All you layabouts and slugging badge.

We have nothing to lose but our chains.

It's true.

You have nothing to lose.

You past rock bottom decades.

This is our time.

Strike!

Strike!

Strike!

Strike!

Strike!

And you join me.

Strike!

Strike!

Folks.

While Eugene Debs here goes off to march on this picket line.

Let's get back to Attack of the Giant Leeches here on Nightmare Theatre.

You heard me say I'm on strike, right?

I sure did.

- There ain't nothing down here, Sheriff.

- Well, I'm getting tired of this.

Come on in, boys.

Well, if there was any bodies out there, we'd have found them.

I want some straight answers, Walker.

And don't give me any more of that crud about monsters either.

Where'd you hide them after you killed them?

- I told you the truth, Sheriff.

I didn't kill them.

I just wanted to scare them good.

I loved my Liz.

I wouldn't do anything to hurt her!

I loved her.

- Sure.

You loved her.

That's why you chased her through the swamp with a shotgun.

Come on, Walker.

Where'd you hide the bodies?

- Won't you believe me?

It was some monsters.

They-- - Take him outta here before I lose my temper!

- My Liz.

- County pay a reward if'n someone finds the body, Sheriff?

- Fifty dollars.

- Each?

- Yeah.

- You know, I never though that of old Dave.

Course, everybody knowed that Cal and Liz had a hankering for each other, everybody but old Dave.

- Durn fools.

Grappling out there in the middle of the water.

If'n them bodies are still in there, you can bet some old bull gator's got them stuffed in his cave under the bank, letting them ripen up for a few days.

- Yeah, well, what we need now is some long Cypress poles to go in there and pole them gator caves.

- Heh!

- I'm sorry, Doc.

I can't do it.

- I'll have to do it myself.

- I wouldn't want to have to arrest you, Doc, but I will if I find you near the preserve with any explosives.

- Steve!

- Sorry, Nan.

That's the way it's gotta be.

- Steve's right, Nan.

It's his job to protect wildlife - What about human life?

Three people have been killed in that game preserve!

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

- Nan, try to understand.

If I could be sure something in the swamp was responsible for those deaths, I wouldn't hesitate a minute.

We've been together the last three days.

We didn't see a trace of anything unusual.

Not so much as a suggestion of any form of life unknown to us.

- Steve, something killed those people.

- All right, I'll admit Sawyer's death left a lot of questions unanswered.

But you can bet your bottom dollar the other two died from Dave Walker's shotgun.

- Do you really believe that?

- Figure it out, Nan.

Walker admitted chasing his wife and Cal into the swamps after he found them together.

He shot them and he tried to place the blame on Sawyer's DTs.

If Sawyer had told us he'd seen purple giraffes with polka dot tails, Walker would've claimed they did it.

- There's one argument against that, Steve.

Dave Walker wasn't the kind of a man to hang himself, not even with two murder charges against him.

Now I talked with Dave less than an hour before he killed himself.

That man was in a state of shock.

I've seen frightened men before, terrified men.

But I've never seen anything to compare with the horror and the fear in Walker's eyes.

- Well, he realized what he'd done.

He killed two people, and one his wife.

Look, Doc, Nan and I were all over that swamp.

Why didn't these monsters attack us?

- I've been thinking about that.

They're probably night creatures They can't stand the light.

They stay down near the bottom during the day.

A small charge would stun them, bring them to the surface.

- Can't buy it, Doc.

- You're pig-headed, Steve Benton!

Stubborn and pig-headed!

- You just don't understand, do you?

Good night, Doc.

Hello and welcome back.

I hope you're finding something to enjoy in this awful movie.

Minions and I are having a great time, aren't we, Boy?

Al Sapo has gone on strike, which means he's not here.

I wonder where he is.

Oh, he'll be back.

He'll give up eventually.

Well, I bet it'll be back any minute now.

Hey, hey, Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, Ho ho, Hey, hey, Ho ho, Hey, hey, Ho ho!

Hey, hey!

Ho ho!

Hey, hey!

Ho ho!

Oh, look at that.

You got your chance, did you?

Oh, that's as far as I've gotten so far, honestly.

Well, maybe I can help you with it.

I wrote hundreds of advertising jingles back in the 1950s.

I bet I can help you say that part again.

Hey, hey, Ho ho!

El Sapo has got to go try that.

Hey, hey, Ho ho!

Oh, SAPO has got to go.

Wait, wait.

That sounds like.

That sounds like I'm picking on myself.

That's a good.

Lesson.

That's the best thing I've ever heard.

Why?

Why would could put.

Hey, hey, Ho ho!

L Sapo I got to go on a T-shirt and sell 10 million of them in a week.

The global cotton supply would dry up in a week because everyone would want one of those shirts.

People all over the world will be chanting in the streets.

It'll be as popular as the Macarena.

Popular, huh?

I could sure use some help out there on the picket line.

It's lonely out there, isn't it?

A little bit.

I got a.

Couple.

Let me tell you a little bit about strikes and labor relations, their strength and numbers.

Have you ever thought of forming a union?

It might be better if you had some other people out there with you.

Good point.

Maybe I could get millions to join my union.

That's a good idea.

Hey, Mittens, how about it?

There must be some things you'd like to change around here.

Like things in your job you don't like.

Like going in the water.

Right?

See, Simmons has a few issues, too.

He would make a fine addition to your union, I think.

Would make a fine of union president.

In fact.

Well, I'm kind of the president of the union.

And how is that going for you?

Not going too good.

Well, maybe Mittens can help.

He apparently has demands.

You have demands working together.

You both might be able to convince me to give you what you want.

I don't know, boss.

Sapo this has gone on long.

What is it that you want?

I don't know.

Already Told you what I want.

I want to be considered for the employee of the year.

That's it.

And maybe an extra dessert once in a while.

Those are your sold the man?

Yes.

And some vacation and sick days.

Well, what about the things Mittens wants?

He said a word to me.

Well, he has told me in secret what he wants, and I agree to his term.

Good I have a few counter demands.

Some things that I want.

Like what?

I want you to at least try to find a good movie once in a while.

And I want you to once and for all, honor any and all terms we may come in to in future contracts.

Those are my demands.

Who and what are some pretty tall orders?

Are you going to go on strike against me if I don't do them?

That's not how it works.

Labor relations are given get situation.

What does that mean?

It means I'll give you what you want.

And then.

You'll get what's coming to you folks while I type up the final contracts.

Why don't you watch a little bit more of Attack of the Giant Leeches here on Nightmare Theatre.

- Right over there in them reeds.

You know, I just can't figure old Dave out.

- If you was caught like Cal, what would you do?

- I hadn't thought of that.

Right over there in them reeds is where that big'un used to be.

- Yeah.

- Caught some great catfish in that hole.

Boy...

This is sure a hot one.

- Right unseasonable.

Sure is funny.

- Huh?

- Ain't you noticed anything?

- No, what?

- We been prodding around here all morning.

Ain't run across a single gator.

By rights, this pool should be crawling with them.

It's sure funny.

- Yeah, that is funny.

- I don't like the looks of things.

Let's call it a day.

- Well now, wait a minute.

We ain't poled the gator holes around the bend yet.

- You do what you wanna do, boy.

Just get me on dry land, and right quick!

- All right.

Now ain't no use getting all head up!

Let's go.

You gotta quit drinking that moonshine.

- Eh.

- That's why you're so wrinkled and ugly.

Coming all the way out here on a wild goose chase.

(scream) (scream) (screaming) - We've been calling, but there's been no answer.

- Oh, I just got back.

What seems to be the trouble?

- Well, haven't you heard?

- Old Sam Peters and Porky Reed have disappeared.

- Come on inside.

And even the.

So you know how the match works.

Everybody, when it comes out, every couple of minutes.

Every couple of.

Minutes.

First of all, he came out as mankind.

Came.

To be his main character.

And then later on in the Rumble, he came out as another character.

He came out as Cactus Jack.

Is Jack?

Yeah, he came in as Cactus Jack.

And then finally he came in an unprecedented third time into the Rumble as Dude love.

Oh, mercy.

Yeah.

Oh, hello and welcome back.

We're back here in the sub sub sub sub basement of the television studio with a mysterious curator from the Merrill Movie Museum.

And he appears to have brought something related to our film tonight.

Oh, yeah.

So this is a movie poster for the film that we're seeing tonight, Attack of the Giant Leeches, or as it was originally going to be titled The Giant Leeches.

At some point in the filmmaking process, they changed their mind and decided to call it Attack of the Giant Leeches.

They didn't bother to create a new poster with the new title.

They just left the the poster out with the giant leeches.

But this is just such a great example of the type of movie posters you got in that era of filmmaking, right?

These great, you know, painted works of art and works of art with that, with this really lurid copy and a great big, bold logo.

And it's just such a such a difference from the posters that we get today that kind of all look like the same.

There's all big pharma heads, it's orange and blue and yeah, that's kind of every movie poster anymore pretty much.

Because this really is a work of art.

I mean, it's a really beautiful poster, you know, even though it's, you know, pretty lurid and pretty wild, it's still just beautiful.

The colors are great, the artwork is amazing.

The even the even down to the type that they use with the giant leeches really stands out.

It does.

Well.

And the other thing I think is really interesting about this is, again, you know, you had the title change, right?

There's a lot of movies that have come out under multiple titles or during the course of filming.

They have decided to change the name of the film, but usually they will then change the poster or correct the poster.

But we have a poster.

Yeah, this is one of the few that I can think of where they'd never bothered to issue another poster.

Right.

But you want me just to write a tackle?

That would not be a good idea.

But, you know, very famously, I think probably the famous example of that is in the making of Return of the Jedi, which were originally going to be called Revenge of the Jedi and was filmed under that name.

There were posters, there was merchandise out under that name.

And then George Lucas decided that Jedi don't get revenge.

All right.

Somewhere along the course of the movie.

So they had to reissue all the posters.

And now all of those original posters with Revenge of the Jedi are very valuable because there was only a limited number.

The actual action.

We actually do have one in the Merrill Movie Museum collection as well.

There's been a couple other things like that.

There's a couple other examples of things changing the movie.

Sometimes it's even just the release date and sometimes the movie.

The version of the poster with the incorrect release date becomes a collectible because of the release date changing.

That's the case of the the double feature Grindhouse that Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino did together.

They initially issued posters with an April 5th date.

Then they ended up changing the release date and they were they put out the new poster.

It actually didn't have a date on it right?

So the dated poster on that one is the one that's more collectible.

We actually have an example of that in the Marilyn Museum collection as well.

And I have the one that's undated and the van Doren collection.

So yeah, it's a nice thing.

To have out of Savannah Smiles poster.

Oh, do you really?

Wow, that was quite a film.

So movie posters, obviously, as we're watching this film tonight, we can tell they don't always represent what's in the film.

So the poster would have you believe that this is a much more elaborate, scary, well-done film than it is.

And that was a lot of what these posters were meant to do.

They were supposed to sell people on these terrible movies to go to your Drive-In, go to your Grindhouse, go and see these things on a Saturday afternoon matinee.

Go see them on a late night show.

And that's what these posters were meant to do, Right?

Right.

And that's why these classic posters are so great.

A lot of times they are better than the film themselves, and they are these great works of art that really do hold up.

And that's why they're so collectible and so prized, even when the movies themselves aren't necessarily.

There are some really great ones in our collection of four films that even this show wouldn't show.

Yeah, and yes, we would.

Go in there.

And a lot of times these artists were very unheralded for doing this work.

I mean, there are notable exceptions, you know, I know that I have in my collection a poster from The Legend of Boggy Creek, which turned out to be the first poster that Ralph McQuarrie did.

And Rafael Correa first went on to be famous for doing a lot of the art for Star Wars and that whole series of films.

So it's really interesting because it does show that there's this whole, you know, people think about movies, they think about this is the movie and this is it.

But there's so many ancillary parts and so many different industries that have sprung up around Hollywood and around that moviemaking machine.

It's really fascinating.

So I want to thank you again for bringing this piece.

And let's get back to Attack of the Giant Leeches here, or as it was called, the giant leeches here on Nightmare Theatre.

You must see the giant leech.

- You know Kovis.

Nothing would please him more than to have all the swamp people disappear.

Swamp trash, he calls them.

- I know.

- They have about as much regard for him as he has for them.

When they're worried enough to go to him, you know something's wrong.

- Mrs. Reed said the men went searching for Cal and Mrs. Walker's bodies, and they never returned.

- Kovis says he'll get up a search party if they don't show up in a couple of days.

- Doc, you and Nan take your car and get as many volunteers as you can.

Tell them to meet me at the Old Wagon Road.

I'll call Doake Evans and have him bring his dogs.

Either they're lost or they've had an accident.

- I hope to heaven you're right.

(dogs barking) - Well, they picked up the scent, anyway.

- Dad, do you think they'll find them?

- Only the good Lord can answer that.

- Well, at least we know they got this far.

All right, let's split up into two parties and circle the lake.

Keep your eyes open.

Let's move out.

(bubbling) - All clear!

- It's clear over here.

(dog growling) - All right, let's keep moving.

Well, we can't do anything more tonight.

Might as well start back.

- I reckon ain't no use hurrying now, Mr. Benton.

If Reed and old Sam was alive, they'da let us known with a holler or something.

- Yeah, it kinda looks that way.

- You fellas notice anything about this lake?

I mean, the gators.

- What about them?

- They ain't!

Piece of water this size usually has maybe 50, 60 big'uns around and a whole lotta little'uns.

It's real unnatural.

- Well, maybe our torches scared them away.

- Nothing scares gators.

Nothing, animal or human.

- Well, we might as well get outta here.

Hello, and welcome back.

The negotiations were hard and Sapo here is a worthy adversary.

Thank you very much.

But he and I have reached an accord.

I think we have.

All you need to do is sign here or we put your mark here.

And we'll do, I suppose.

And.

And we'll be done.

I'll think about making you Employee of the Year, and you'll get that dessert.

Then.

You want to read that?

No, I trust you.

Press all the bit about the dessert.

You told me about it.

I think I got what I wanted.

Well, I guess the strike is over.

The strike is over.

Yes, it is.

So I'm happy with how things turned out.

So, SAPO, I think it's probably time for you to go out in the ditch and clean out the leech pit.

What?

What did you say?

I have to clean out the leech pit.

Yeah.

It's a part of what you agreed to.

I don't remember anything about that.

It's all in the contract you just signed.

I agreed to give you an additional dessert every 16th meal and to consider you for employee of the year.

And in return, you agreed to do all of the chores Mittens does in addition to your own.

That's called a compromise.

We all get something.

That's right.

Boy, you got out of doing all the hard work.

You deserve some rest.

Sapo will do it all from now on.

Well, that doesn't seem fair to me.

Oh, sure it does.

You got what you wanted, Mittens.

Got what he wanted.

What did you get?

More time away from you.

Now get out there to those leeches.

Take this snorkel and get to work.

Dive in there and clean out that leech pit folks.

While he does that, why don't we get back to Attack of the Giant Leeches here on Nightmare Theatre?

These leeches aren't going to attack me, are they?

I hope so.

Oh, my goodness.

- You got something in mind, Steve?

- I keep thinking of what Evans said about the gators.

Nothing scares them, animal or human.

And yet, something made them leave.

Maybe a-- maybe a mineral contamination.

Guess I better run some water samples.

- Come on, you two, drink your coffee.

- And supposing there is no contamination?

- Well then, I'll send over to Eastport for a diving rig and go down to look for this monster of yours.

- No, Steve, don't even joke like that.

- I'm not joking, Nan.

I had some training with an Aqua-Lung while I was in the Navy.

- But, Steve-- - Look, there are two bodies we know for sure are down there, maybe four.

They've got to be brought up.

- Wait a minute.

There are no alligators in that part of the swamp, right?

- So?

- No sign of any fish or snakes?

- No.

What are you getting at, Doc?

- Well, there goes your argument about setting off a dynamite charge under water.

It'd bring the bodies to the surface.

- Get it out of your mind, Doc.

I'm not using any explosives as long as there's another way.

- Why must you be such a-- - Stubborn pighead?

- Exactly.

- I'll tell you why.

Number one, there's bound to be some aquarian life in that section, even if the bigger forms have abandoned it.

Explosion under water would destroy every living thing and wreck what nature took years to build up.

Number two, I'm paid to prevent the useless slaughter of wildlife.

Number three, I'd have to get authorization.

And to get that authorization, I'd have to come up with a heck of a good reason.

Satisfied?

- Finish up, Dad.

I want to go home.

- Uh, Steve.

How long will it take to get this diving equipment from Eastport?

- Oh, A couple of days.

Why?

- Oh, nothing.

Take care of yourself, Steve.

- Well, here's hoping.

- Dad.

Can't you throw the dynamite in from here?

- No.

I want to get it out into the middle, in the deepest part.

- All right.

(bubbling) (groaning) - Stop!

- It should go any minute.

(explosion) Well, hello and welcome back.

SAPO is still neck deep in leeches, so Mittens are enjoying a nice mai tai.

You make a good drink, mittens.

Too bad we don't have any remark that would hit the spot right about now.

Oh, boy, was that hard work.

Good.

I got all the leeches out of that leech.

Well, that's good.

Sad thing is, most of them wound up on me.

Good.

But I got a few of them here in this jar.

Look at this, boss.

Good Lord.

Get those filthy things.

Out of here.

There's got to be something we can do with these things to make money.

We have literally hundreds of them.

I can tell you right now.

We can rule out eating them.

These things taste awful.

Wait a minute.

You ate them?

I eat ten of them, and they were awful.

But maybe you know what?

Some soy sauce and bacon, maybe some chestnuts...Good Lord!

What is the deal with these leech things, boss?

Well, leeches have been used in medicine since the days of the ancient Greeks and Egyptians.

Some of the ancient Egyptian tombs have paintings of leeches on the walls.

What did they do with them?

Well, they certainly didn't need them.

Back in the old days, bloodletting was a way to make people healthy.

Why?

If you were feeling sick, the doctor was likely to prescribe a handful of leeches.

He'd say, Put these things in a tub and hop in with them.

The leech would attach itself to the person and slowly drain their blood, just like they're draining blood from the morons.

And Cretans in this movie, The Leech was huge and very, very little.

They had to stop it.

It was huge centuries ago.

People barely use them today, but sure they did.

In the old days in 1827, France alone went through 33 million leeches.

How did they collect that many?

How leech farming was big business, but it was hard work.

They usually made some sap roll up his pant leg and wade into the water using his own legs.

That's what I did, boss.

They also use horses.

Sometimes we got no horse.

Oh.

If we had a horse, I'd get on ride away into the sunset.

Folks, this movie has got to be close to the end.

You stuck with this for this long?

What's a few more minutes?

- I just can't figure it out.

Walker's wife, why didn't her body come to the surface?

- I don't know.

- I think I better walk over to the coroner's office.

- What's the matter, Mr. Benton?

You feel awkward about arresting my father in his own home?

I warned him I'd arrest him if he used dynamite.

That's nice of you.

- Well, the autopsy should be over by now.

- Oh, Steve.

I thought you'd be here.

- I don't like to have to do this, Doctor.

- Do we have time for a cup of coffee first?

- Sure.

- Do you mind, honey?

- No.

I'll make some sandwiches.

- One thing is certain, for all the good it'll do now.

Dave Walker didn't shoot Cal.

I've just come from the autopsies.

Kovis tried to keep me out.

But I told him I'd raise a stink they'd smell all the way to the capital if he did.

- Well, what killed them, Doc?

- Not drowning.

And Cal wasn't shot either.

Every drop of blood was drained out of their bodies.

And they had wounds on their throats, suction wounds, like a-- like a gigantic leech might make.

And there's something even more incredible.

Now Cal was supposed to have been killed several days ago.

Sam and Reed had been missing a matter of 48 hours.

All three of them, as far as we know, were in that lake a minimum of two days.

Now I'd stake my reputation as a doctor that Cal hadn't been dead more than two or three hours when we found him.

And the other two, less than that.

First stage rigor mortis started in during the autopsy.

- But how could that be, Doc?

It's impossible!

- The coroner will confirm it.

Whatever killed them is still in that lake.

And it's gonna take more than dynamite to get it out!

- Concussion from those charges would've killed a full grown whale.

That explains how Cal and the others lived after they were supposed to be drowned.

- What do you mean?

- Well, this whole region is riddled by caves and caverns cut out by the ocean thousands of years ago.

If there are caves above the water, then there must be caves under the water.

- Go on.

- Mike and I had a chance to fool around with some frogman equipment captured from the Italian Navy.

We sort of prowled through a sunken transport off Salerno.

When a ship went down, it trapped some air inside the hull.

We'd go down, come up inside the officer's lounge, take off our face masks, and sort of sample some of the bottles floating around.

We drove the guys crazy trying to figure out how we were getting the stuff.

- You mean you think that there's an air pocket or a cave underneath the lake?

- Right, gotta be.

How else could those people have lived down there?

Not only that, it explains how whatever it is down there lived through the concussions.

- Steve!

Liz Walker.

She might still be down there.

Alive!

(groaning) - No.

No.

No!

- Comfortable?

- Yeah.

- You sure you don't want me to go down for you, mate?

You haven't had one of these things on for a long time, while me, every other day, I've been playing fish.

- Not this time, Mike.

- If you ask me, they oughtta have their heads examined.

Giant leeches!

Hmph.

I'm willing to bet a month's pay they don't come up with nothing more than excuses.

He's crazy!

Him, the Doc, and his brat too.

Just wait till I get on the phone to the capital!

I'll guarantee somebody will wish they had kept their nose out of other people's business.

I'll guarantee that!

- Let's go, Mike.

- Steve.

Be careful, please.

- Don't worry, Mike will be ready if anything goes wrong.

- Don't worry about Steve.

Now if he were going after a barracuda, you might have a tiny bit to worry about.

- Ready, Mike?

- No, no, please stay away.

Please.

- Not exactly inviting, is it?

- It sure isn't.

Hold her steady, Mike.

- It'll stop anything up to a tiger shark.

But you gotta hit.

Misses don't count.

Now anything goes wrong, just yank on the line.

I'll be down in a hurry.

You sure you don't want me to go down and finish it off for you, Steve?

- No thanks, Mike.

I-- I think I hurt it pretty bad.

- Careful now.

Anything hurt's 10 times as dangerous.

He's wounded it.

He's gonna finish it off.

- Does he have to go under again?

- He's got to make sure, honey.

- Where could it have come from?

- I wish I knew.

We'll have to make some tests.

Maybe the proximity of Cape Canaveral has got something to do with it.

- The rocket station?

- They use atomic energy in the first stages of launching.

Not all of them have been successful.

- You think that it's an animal life that was close by, not close enough to be killed, but close enough to feel the effects of a radioactive energy that-- - A mutation.

A type of gigantism of some common animal.

Whatever it is, I hope he's able to bring it up.

Oh, well, hello and welcome back.

Good news, folks.

Now that the labor strife is over and all disputes have been settled and we're just worming our way back into that rut we all know and love hearts of mended and everyone is happy.

In fact, Sapo was kind enough to make that stop, played a remark we wanted earlier and boy, was it tasty.

The movie is almost over and when it is, we will never have to speak of leeches again.

Oh, well, I don't know about that, boss.

Lots of people out there want leeches.

No, they don't.

I heard a lot of people saying they wish they could find a place to sow leeches.

Who are these people?

What?

People said they want leeches.

Name these people right now.

I flew through so many circles of society.

One day I'm up in the sky with the snakes, and the next day I'm crawling around on the ground with the pigeons.

I'm alone in the outhouse and in the penthouse and everywhere in between the world wants leeches.

But no, they don't.

You're making that up.

And I think I know why.

So whatever crazy leech based scam you have.

It's not a scam.

But then leeches are very real.

Whatever leech base plan you're cooking up in that empty head of yours, just forget about it.

We are not going into the leech business.

Oh, yes, we are.

We have a pit full of leeches just going to waste.

So let's share our glorious bounty with the world.

No one wants or needs.

Leeches.

You've got to sell it to a boss.

You've got to sell it to them.

You don't sell the leech.

You sell the squiggle.

Yes, folks, leeches have been used for a variety of reasons, going back as far as 1970 to Oh, stop it.

But the number one question on all of America's my mind right now is this where can I get me some cheap leeches?

How can I avoid those crazy gas station prices?

I wonder what I should do.

Well, wonder no more.

Sweet Lord.

Yes.

All your leech needs can be fulfilled with one quick visit to all the man.

Sapo Leech Farm and petting Zoo.

People today do not have any leech.

Needs.

And we are not going to start raising leeches.

We already have.

We already have.

Yes, that old man.

Sapo we turn around petting zoo.

We are prepared to offer you as many leeches as you want or as meaty as my legs can hold.

That's enough about all of this.

We are ready to satisfy all your leeches.

He's used it for bloodletting.

Raised us pets, make them into beautiful, high fashion, drooling that should become a treasured family heirloom or use them as an expensive remark.

You substitute.

Wait, What did you say?

You can use them as fish speak, form a neighborhood leech Racing league and bet on the winners.

Whatever you want to do with the leeches, we provide them.

What you do with them is your business and your alone.

No.

What was that you said about Romano?

If you need one leech, ten leeches or 100 leeches, your only limit is your imagination and the length of my legs.

So just drive one way past the edge of town and look for the ditch by the busted water tower.

I'm there most days.

Seriously, What was that you said about Room mucky folks?

I'm going to have to beat answer out of Sapo here while I'm doing that.

Here's the nail biting conclusion of Attack of the Giant Leeches here on Nightmare Theatre.

If you fed me leeches, I swear to goodness, I'm going to be.

(moaning) - That-- that can't be Liz!

What could have done that?

Look at her face.

What's that?

Look at that thing!

I've been around here for years.

I never saw nothing like that before.

- There was no sign of them this time.

They must be licking their wounds.

- Are you sure you used enough stuff to do the job, Mike?

- I used 100 sticks of 40%.

Oughtta blow the bottom right out.

- All right.

Let her go.

- Oh, no.

I've done enough of your dirty work.

Help yourself.

(explosion) Well, that's the end of that.

Tonight was a wild ride, and we've had quite an adventure.

We had a real bad movie.

Sapo went on strike and he fell asleep through Monkey.

Which you both really enjoyed.

I mean, I got to admit, they tasted better than I thought they would.

But let us never, ever speak of it again.

I still have another pan down in the oven cooking.

Let us never speak of it again.

After what's in the oven is finished.

I guess the next time I round up those leeches, I'll just set them free somewhere.

The Leech Farm business isn't doing as well as I thought it would, but it seems like just a waste to let them go.

Maybe I could drop them off at the old folks home when they retire, etc.

I could chuck them into the pool when no one is looking.

That ought to be funny.

That's a horrible idea.

Sapo the chlorine would kill all the leeches.

All right.

Well, what you say you just box them up and send them to bury Sobol.

What does he do with them?

You know what?

I don't care.

Sapo, With all the duties you've taken over from Mittens, I doubt you'll have much in the way of spare time for Leech Farm.

And that's true.

I did have a lot on my plate tonight.

I was barely able to finish the junior jumble in the newsletter.

Turns out the secret word was kept all this time.

And up to now, I thought that word started with a K. Listen, your newsletter reading days are over, my friend.

I'm going to hold you to that contract and you're going to do everything it says.

Speaking of that, what do we have slated for next week?

Our CFO.

We have this boss.

(Narrtor) The sight of it will live with you or die with you, but you will never forget "The Shriek of the Mutilated"!

The abominable Snowman.

The Yeti.

Or is it?

A scientific expedition that turns into a nightmare for all but a few with the surprise ending of the year!

- Sometimes it almost sounds like something human.

- Come on, Keith, you don't really believe we're gonna find anything out there?

- Well, Dr. Prell thinks we might.

- Oh, Prell's got a thing about snowmen.

Trouble is that people believe that garbage of his can get themselves in trouble.

- It's the damnedest thing, Ernst.

If it isn't a yeti, I can't imagine what it could be.

(yeti growling) - I could see it as it was chewing the flesh of Tom's leg!

(screams) (yeti growling) - Honey!

- Stop treating me like a child!

- Stop acting like one!

Dr. Prell brought you on this mission for a reason!

(Narrator) This is not for the weak.

(screams) This is truly "The Shriek of the Mutilated"!

SAPO.

Does that newsletter have an obituary column?

I don't think so.

Well, the next one will.

You can bet on it and we'll only have one name.

Folks.

Thanks for joining us tonight.

And until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.