>> From WXXI News.

This is Connections.

I'm Evan Dawson.

Our connection this hour was made with a conversation between two family members, one a younger adult and the other an older adult who is reluctant to talk about something sensitive.

In this case, it's a conversation about end of life issues, preparing a last will or a living will.

Estate planning.

Advanced directives.

I've been in those conversations.

I know how challenging it can be.

I know that hesitation.

For me, it was the fear of pushing someone I loved into feeling depressed.

But the AARP conducted a 2024 end of life survey titled Thoughts and Attitudes on Death and Dying A survey of adults age 45 and older.

And here's what they found.

They found that concerns generally do not translate into action.

63% of older adults say they have had an end of life conversation with a loved one, but far fewer have made any end of life preparations like preparing a last will and testament.

Only 36% or living will 33%.

Less than half of adults age 45 and older who have not made these or similar preparations say that it is very likely they never will.

So there is a there is a more hopeful finding in all of this, which is this.

83% of older adults say they understand the end of life.

Transition is an important part of life, and they have positive attitudes related to the transition.

But most don't really get follow through.

And sometimes the scenario I described at the beginning gets flipped on its head.

Sometimes it's not.

The older person in a family who won't talk about it.

Sometimes it's a younger person who is afraid to bring it up at all.

And so no conversation ever happens.

New York State Assembly member Sarah Clark is working with lifespan to host an Empowered Aging Forum.

It's coming up next week, but first they are on Connections, talking about all of this and more.

Assemblymember Clark is from district number 136.

Welcome back to the program.

>> Thanks for having me.

>> Anna Stetzel is Director of Training and Education at Lifespan.

Welcome.

Great to have you.

>> So happy to be here, Evan.

Thank you.

>> And I want to say, Assemblymember Clark, isn't it nice to be here on an election day and talking about something besides elections?

>> I was just saying that in the elevator.

>> You've got your I voted sticker on today.

>> I do polls open till nine.

Don't forget to vote.

Vote early.

I almost did, but I. I had to vote with my husband because it helps motivate him to remember.

And so I waited till he was ready and went today.

>> Throwing you under the bus?

>> Yes.

>> your husband, that is.

But we're going to talk tomorrow on this program.

It's going to be the election.

recap for those who are tuning in today.

Wondering today's they're voting today.

Well, there's nothing to talk about until we get results.

wxxinews.org.

For all your results, all of our platforms will be there with you.

And then tomorrow on this program, we'll break it all down.

But looking ahead to next weekend, it's the Empowered Aging Forum.

It's next Saturday, two Saturdays from now.

November 15th.

It's happening from 9 a.m.

to 2 p.m.

at Monroe Community College.

Why did you want to do this?

>> Assemblymember Clark.

So you know, one of the things I care a lot about in my position in the assembly is child care, right?

I ran on it.

It's a big thing, but I feel like I'm of the age now where my three kids are.

Two are in college, one's in high school, and I'm watching now.

My parents age and some of the same issues are coming up.

I feel like when you're pregnant and you're getting ready to go get child care, you have nine months to sort of think of things, plan things.

It's on your mind.

You know, you have to have a a room ready for your soon to be child.

You have to make sure you have child care locked in early all these things.

You're sort of given the time to do that when it comes to our parents, when our parents age, when we age, when family members and loved ones age, we're often not confronting the the choices that need to be made or the decisions that have to be made until it's a crisis, until there's a moment where a decision has to be made quickly and it's not maybe the best one.

People are emotionally unprepared for it.

There's so many different reasons.

And you know, one of my colleagues, former colleagues in the Assembly, did a similar event in Buffalo, and she said it was her most sold out, like it was bursting at the seams in terms of attendance.

people need to know, want to know, and sometimes they just don't know where to go to get the information they need.

>> I think it's interesting comparing it to the planning that you can do around a birth, because you're right, there's a finite timeline during a pregnancy.

I think with families, the easy thing to convince yourself is that it's so far in the future that, well, all right, let's not talk about it now.

That's down the line.

There is no set horizon, and you don't know when these issues may hit you.

And so you wait and you put it off and you put it off.

I've been there myself.

I will say that.

I mean, I think it's very human, don't you?

>> Absolutely.

it is very human, and it's often a fall or or a diagnosis or something that all of a sudden puts everything into a full zoom motion.

And again, it is emotional.

It's so emotional.

And so making those decisions when you're in that emotional moment is hard, number one, and may not be the best that the best plan for that person, your family, your loved one, whatever it may be.

I also think as a society, we're not great at dying.

We don't like to talk about it.

We have a lot of different feelings and emotions about it.

And so often it just goes unsaid.

And then we're in a predicament down the road.

>> Briefly.

Do you expect to be bursting at the seams at your event, just as Buffalo was?

>> I hope so.

You know, we've we've got great attendance now.

we're we're providing lunch, if that's, you know, an incentive to get you to come out to MCH on the 15th.

so I hope we're bursting at the seams.

You know, we really targeted those who are aging.

It's an empowered aging event.

But I also am using this show to talk about people who have loved, ones who are aging and maybe making sure that they're aware, too, because it's important for everyone to have the information.

>> You want to jump in here.

>> Yeah.

And that's a huge component of what we focus on at lifespan is not just offering this education to older adults, but to caregivers, you know, loved ones.

And I think what you brought up, Evan, in the beginning about younger adults often having hesitation at having these conversations with their loved ones, their aging parents.

And I think older adults don't want to burden their their children with this conversation.

They don't want to have to put that emotional weight.

But reframing that and thinking about kind of what a gift it is to have your plans in place and to be having these conversations so that your adult children, you know, later when you're at that stage, can feel empowered, that they're making decisions that you would want to make.

So I think, you know, we're all aging.

You know, we don't have to think about this just through the context of older adults.

and yeah, we're we're looking at 100 plus people that are signed up for this event so far, and we've got a couple weeks left.

So we're really excited about it.

>> What's your max that you could take?

>> It's we were initially trying for 100.

I think the room holds more.

so if we could get more, we will make more.

150 yeah.

Okay.

See?

>> There you go.

So if you want to attend listeners, how do you do that?

What do you need to do?

>> Oh, there's so many different ways.

>> So many.

So you can go to Lifespan's website, which is WW Rochester.

Go to our events classes page and you can find the registration link.

And I know Sarah and her team have it on their website as.

>> Well, so you can get it at the assembly.

Oh my gosh.

NY assembly.gov website and look up me Sarah Clark and you will see it right there as a button on my website first page.

>> We'll put a link in our show notes as well for people.

But again this is probably going to get packed and I want to share a story that relates to my own experience as a way of saying to our listeners today, if you're watching on YouTube, if you're listening and you want to share via email or phone call, we'd love to hear from you about what you have experienced with either having these conversations or issues that popped up.

So here's an example for me.

My stepfather passed away a year ago, and he was pretty significantly older than my mother.

But the kind of joke in our family was that he was indestructible.

He had in the last ten, 15 years of his life, he had almost everything.

And I say that with love and admiration.

He's gone now.

We love him.

We miss him.

But, I mean, it was amazing.

He was the best patient you ever met.

He had merkel cell carcinoma.

It's the first time I've heard of that.

It's the most serious kind of skin cancer.

he didn't want chemo in his 80s for that.

you know, had to stop radiation halfway through because of issues with that, then just kept.

Never complained, kept going.

Had a stage four bowel cancer, short diagnosis of survival surgery.

Didn't want any other treatment.

You know, lived another nine years after that.

I mean, amazing.

It's such a long list.

And it was like we admired him because he was he just didn't complain.

He loved life and he didn't complain.

Well, my mother, we would try to talk to her and say, look, you know, he's been through a lot and we love him and we think that he is indestructible, but he's probably not.

He'll probably be gone someday.

And she would say, don't, don't, don't talk about that.

Don't.

She would say, I need him for my date nights like and their date nights.

So they'd watch survivor and they'd bet a quarter and they'd have these little bets on these silly shows, and they'd watch The Bachelorette and they'd bet.

And she would say, don't, don't talk about this now.

And I would just say, like, well, what's going on with your finances?

Like, how intertwined?

I know he did a lot of it.

Like, are you up to it?

And she would say, don't.

And I was too scared to say more because I didn't want her to be sad.

And so when he died, here's an example.

He had a retirement account or a a capital funds account.

Not a huge one, but a significant one for my mother.

And she thought that they co-owned it and they didn't.

And so I've spent the better part of the last year trying to navigate getting that in her name so she can get access to it.

She was baffled about why she didn't or couldn't.

She still had to get the tax form associated with it and get a six month extension.

And we went right to the deadline a month ago, trying to chase down that form, because I wasn't technically the executor of the estate and all of this stuff that you learn about the hoops that you have to jump through.

She was worried about getting in trouble with her taxes.

She was worried about ever getting access to this money, and she didn't want to have those conversations when he was alive and she never did.

And I wish that she did.

And I love her.

And I, you know, she's the center of my world.

But we didn't do well as a family with this.

I feel responsible, partially because every time I would push and she'd push back, I'd I'd give.

So first of all, I hope Anna will tell me that this is common.

>> Very, very.

>> Yeah.

My mom's amazing, and I just I hate seeing her go through this because losing someone is hard enough and then having the uncertainty of, wait, I thought this money was our money.

I thought this account was our account.

How do I get at it?

I'm not good at technology.

All these questions or I threw out these documents I thought I wouldn't need.

That happened.

That happened to her.

And I'm like, oh, my God.

So I'm not alone there at least.

Right?

>> You are not alone.

No.

And I mean, listen, I'm putting my social worker hat on right now, but to try to to validate some of your guilt around that, the two things we don't like talking about are money and death.

I mean, you know, so to approach those conversations with your mom from both angles, it's yeah, you don't want to push back.

You want to kind of preserve her.

There's some self-preservation in that.

But we hear from families all the time.

at Lifespan no matter what the reason was that we became involved with them in their families that these are conversations that are really hard to have.

And we actually have a workshop that we offer at lifespan around the pitfalls of legal elder care planning, like the the top ten mistakes that people make around these sorts of conversations and what they should be considering that they aren't.

because it's it's common.

And you know, I think a lot of what we do at lifespan and the conversations that we have with our clients are really just around, let's plant the seed, let's start kind of making it more the norm to have these conversations, because again, let's not try to, you know, go to the, to the to the end here and try to get people involved in advanced care planning process, end of life planning process.

If you haven't even had conversations with your family about it, let's start there and identify your support system and start to have those conversations.

>> Yeah, the way I would put it is having gone through the last year is end of life is not the time to do end of life planning.

it's so much harder.

It is.

You want to know that things are set so that you can grieve, or that you can say goodbye, or that you can pull family together.

That is just the worst time for it.

And you know, God love my mother.

She would say that, you know, she never thought she would lose him.

She didn't want to ever think about losing him.

They'd go on vacation and they'd come back.

He'd come back in a wheelchair and I'd say, what happened on your vacation?

She said, well, the there was a lot of humidity.

And he slipped in the middle of the night going to the bathroom, but his face broke the fall, you know, and I'm like, his face broke the fall, mom.

Well, he was still flirting with the girls at the pool, so he was fine.

I mean, like, he was a cartoon character and he was the best.

But nobody lives forever.

That's just the reality that we are all going to face someday.

And the advantage is that Sarah that we know at least.

Right?

I mean, like, as hard as it is, that's a certainty that we have.

>> Along with taxes.

Yes.

and I think there's.

>> The I think you said Texas.

>> No.

>> No taxes.

>> Taxes.

>> Taxes.

I do think that there's obviously the ability to grieve and not worry is is helpful.

But I also think there's so much that can go in.

It's not just ensuring that that there are things taken care of, but that it's taken care of for the as the wishes of the person.

Right?

I mean, there's so many different ways that we, particularly those who are surviving the death, who may fight, who may be emotional, may all these other things and some of it is around finances and money, which is difficult, but also other things around people's wishes.

At end of life.

And what do medical terminology mean?

What does hospice versus palliative care?

I am the granddaughter of my grandfather, who is probably one of the few people that went to hospice and came out of hospice and then lived another year.

I think his body just needed like a full blown rest, and he got it.

And he he kind of perked up and spent another year with us and then went back to hospice and ultimately passed at the ripe old age of 97.

So but it is the medical terminology is crazy at the end of life, what choices you have.

What does it mean to be a health care proxy?

End of life directives?

What do what are your wishes?

what does power of attorney mean?

You said the bank account, like my mom, just put me on her bank account because this is an issue, right?

If something were to happen to her, I. You can't just automatically go get someone's account.

Even if they've passed.

There is a huge legal process through all of that by which you need to be more ready for.

So there are a lot of questions, and it is our goal not only to present information, but to really give lots of opportunity for people to ask questions.

>> On the money thing.

By the way, I absolutely understand why there's a lot of hoops to jump through because if someone dies, you don't want just anybody to walk and be like, well, that money would have been mine or I'm, I'm a so-and-so, so I'll take it.

I get it, but it gets to be infuriating how hard it can be when I'm going, like, you know, this, I've been at this for months here, just trying to establish that my mother is it's a long I mean, like, it's just it's so frustrating.

So.

>> And then.

>> Kudos to you for getting ahead of that.

>> And what goes through a will, what doesn't go through a will.

What pots of money.

You know we had you know a tragedy with my husband's sister many years ago.

And there was a she had the understanding on her pension that if she put two beneficiaries that it would be split.

But what she did was put a primary and a secondary, and it went all to the primary because and those, you know, those are things that are complicated at the end of life, like you don't.

And that didn't go through probate.

It didn't go through the will process that went direct to the beneficiary.

And these are just things people don't know or understand necessarily.

And I think we need to really be better prepared.

>> And, you know, I like to believe that people are well intentioned.

But when you think about, again, you have the emotional toll that that you're feeling when you are grieving the loss of someone or at end of life with someone and then inundated with, like you were saying, the medical terminology, the financial terminology, having to make those decisions without really understanding maybe what your loved one would have wanted.

It's no wonder that people sometimes are acting in a way that maybe you've never seen before.

It's just you're flooded with.

With so much on both sides and having to make decisions when you're in a crisis is never is never a good, a good choice.

But the reality is it's really common.

So I think this event, you know, workshops that we it's really exciting to be part of this event because we offer workshops around these topics.

at Lifespan a lot, but we've never done it in a forum capacity.

We've never done it as a conference.

So it's really exciting to go from, you know, our typical attendance of 3540 people for a workshop to 100 plus people attending this event.

and really making sure that people are getting access to credible information and really having a chance to absorb this information so that they can start their planning if they haven't already.

>> So listeners, I want to hear from you at Connections at wxxi.org.

If you've had either similar experiences or just basic questions or concerns about having these conversations or ideas on what you want yourself, you can email us at wxxi.org.

You can join the chat.

If you're on YouTube, watch it on the WXXI News YouTube channel.

You can call the program toll free.

844295 talk.

It's 8442958255263 WXXI.

If you call from Rochester 2639994 Anna what could I and my brothers have done differently?

Would the parent saying, I don't want to have this conversation.

I don't want to do this now and deflect, deflect, deflect.

>> Oh, Evan, we do.

We have all day.

you know, I think starting small, I think sometimes we feel like we have to have all of the answers, and we have to really, you know, have this comprehensive conversation.

And I think, you know, again, it's about planting the seed.

It's trying to find light hearted opportunities to to ask simple questions.

You know, have you thought about burial?

Have you thought about whether you want to be buried in a casket or cremated?

Have you thought about CPR treatment?

You know, would you want CPR someday?

You know, let's talking about what it looks like on the movies versus what it looks like in real life.

Trying to just make and again, avoiding these, waiting until there's a crisis before having these conversations, but also seeking out help, you know, so I think my two biggest pieces of advice starting small and asking for help, you know, knowing what resources are available in the community, you know, of course, a plug for lifespan where I work, you know, we have an incredible staff at lifespan that are dedicated to helping people navigate these conversations on top of many other services that we provide.

But, you know, we don't have to do this alone.

So but it's hard to say what you could have done differently because, again, it's so individualized.

And it there is that emotional component that I think is really hard for people to get over that hurdle.

>> I think looking.

Oh, go ahead Sarah.

>> Oh, I was just going to jump in and say, you know, one of the biggest things I find about it all is that you don't know what you don't know, as in many things.

And so part of the reason why we're also trying to get to caregivers is that in terms of starting small made me think like maybe there's instead of saying, you know, this larger question like, have you planned or are you ready or whatever?

It's like, are you on all his accounts?

And but you don't know how to answer that question because you don't know that's an issue until you it all of a sudden is an issue.

Right?

So it sometimes it's just we need to be empowered with the right way, the right info that we need to be ready for.

And then we can find ways to maybe ask some of the more simple questions to start or just, you know, really black and white questions that have very easy answers to them so that we can start building on that.

As we as you start planning for bigger things.

>> Yeah.

Looking back, I will say, you know, as I mentioned, he had so many different health issues over the years.

And when he would have another is when we would kind of say like, well, maybe we should talk about this.

That's not the best time for I look back and say, we really need it to be like a very healthy day.

Like everybody's great.

We're doing great.

You know, you're probably invincible.

But just in case you're not, you know, let's talk about and what happens next.

Let's talk about we would kind of it would hit us at these times where it's like, oh boy, we should have been talking about this.

And it didn't really work well.

>> And I think that points to also why we need to be having these conversations with people of all ages.

I mean, the reality is, as you said, you know, two things certain in life death and taxes.

We none of us know.

You know, not not to be morbid, but none of us know when we will die.

as a new mom myself, I have an 18 month old.

I just, for the first time thought like, gosh, I should have life insurance.

I should have a will, you know, I should talk to my husband and to my parents and other family members about, God forbid, if something happened to me, what I would want and what I would want for my daughter.

And I'm 33, so, you know, like, yes, I think it becomes more common to start thinking about these things as we are older and maybe faced with older family members who are, you know, have illnesses or disabilities or at end of life, but it I think we also need to be more intentional about targeting this to people of all ages and having these conversations when you're not at crisis, when you're not, you know, having a bad day, just bring it up, you know, in a conversation with your family.

>> Well, Thanksgiving's around the corner.

You know, Christmas, the holidays.

so there's there are some opportunities to maybe, if anyone's feeling brave and ready to, to start maybe laying some of those seeds.

>> There's also a lot of free tools and resources online.

There are games, card games, conversation starter games that you can again, as another lighthearted way to start talking about some of these things.

It doesn't have to be related to.

Let's sit down and look at this advanced care directive.

Have you thought about executing a power of attorney?

there's a lot of a lot of great information online that can help you think about the questions you need to be asking.

>> Is there a most commonly, most common mistake that people make?

Is there one that stands out.

>> While waiting for crisis?

I mean, as we've been talking about, I think that is the most common mistake.

>> I think there's also and I don't want to get too in the weeds on this because it's really not my scope of expertise.

But there is this misconception that Medicare pays for long term care, and that is not the case which is one of the reasons that we are bringing in an attorney to talk about Medicaid planning for long term care, because Medicaid is the primary payer for long term supports and services.

Whether you are living in a nursing home or whether you are living in your home or in the community.

So I think just the lack of education and waiting for a crisis are really the two more kind of global broad mistakes that we make, really societally, when it comes to this sort of thing.

>> So the Medicare thing surprises people.

>> It does.

Yes.

as many as 60% of people believe that Medicare is the primary payer for long term care.

Medicare, they will pay for up to 100 days of a skilled nursing facility stay following a qualifying hospital stay there is significant eligibility criteria for Medicare.

Paying for in-home care services.

That is complex.

It varies by state.

but private pay and Medicaid are the primary payers for long term care, and that is a huge misconception for people.

>> And I would say it's hard because it one of the reasons we don't want to know is it's expensive.

I mean, there are real problems with long term care in our country and the way we pay for a lot of things.

but and so I don't want to say that we should know and that it's all going to be wonderful if, you know, because it's actually going to be quite terrifying in some ways, because it is expensive.

There is no easy way.

But if you're planning for it at moment of crisis, there are many things, including the all encompassing five five year look back period with Medicaid that.

So if you're day one, trying to become Medicaid eligible for your long term care, there's going to be this window that looks back at your finances for five years.

>> They don't look at it on that day only.

Right.

The five year lookback is meant to do what.

>> to ensure that if there are resources that you had or have, that those will go towards covering your pay, your, your portion of what is going to be paid for that long term.

>> So your bill may end up bigger than you expect.

Is that correct?

>> Which is why you need to be armed with the information well ahead of crisis so that you understand what it's going to look like for you and your family.

in terms of your care in those moments.

>> And again, if you're applying for Medicaid, when you are going into a nursing home and you go through that five year look back period, and again, it's really to ensure that you're not hiding assets or that you haven't transferred assets in the last five years to make you Medicaid eligible.

That delays Medicaid paying for your long term care.

So then you're in a nursing home for months, maybe even longer, having to pay for your stay because you don't.

You're not you don't have Medicaid yet.

so, you know, we we have a team at lifespan that really helps people through that process.

It is, again, it's complex.

It's cumbersome.

And you know, we never know when we may need to be in a nursing home.

so at least knowing what that process looks like and knowing what you should plan for is a is a crucial first step.

>> And I think, you know, even something as thing.

I mean, I guess it's not that simple, but a funeral, like you're usually walking into a funeral home to prepare for a funeral for a loved one at that moment.

And when you get a price, when you get you know, something outlined for you, and you get to choose.

Are you really out there shopping around, comparing to know if this is the price that's normal, not normal.

you know, should we have saved a little more for this?

So no one's burdened by it at the end?

I mean, we have knowledge is, you know, key here so that people are there's not unexpected things.

in these moments.

And truly, I don't know anyone that sort of shops around for funeral homes or anything.

At the end, it's usually pre prescribed based on some relationship or whatever.

But but then you just don't know.

You don't know what things cost because it's not something you've looked at before.

>> Yeah.

And we'll have someone from the Rochester chapter of the Funeral Consumers Alliance talking about what you should know before going to a funeral home to really help with some of that preparation.

>> The event that we're talking about is the Empowered Aging Forum that's happening in two Saturdays from now, next Saturday, November 15th, from 9 a.m.

to 2 p.m.

at Monroe Community College.

There are some slots still available.

They are probably going to fill up, and there is a tremendous amount of interest in these subjects.

For all of the reasons we've been talking about.

If you want to sign up, you can go to Lifespan's website.

You can go to Assemblymember Clark website.

You can find it later today on our platforms here that we will post with the show notes.

For this program you can call lifespan.

So lots of ways that you can get hooked up.

You can call some member clerk's office.

But I would not wait around too much for that.

Before we go to break, let me just read an email from Dr.

Jeffrey Allen, who's listening.

He says, good afternoon.

This is a wonderful discussion, so important to our community.

I am a palliative care physician and I deal with these issues daily.

One thing your listeners may want to know is that documentation of health care proxy or advanced directives do not require a lawyer.

he says, I found this can be an impediment or at least delay to having these discussions or completing these forms.

It's certainly important to have discussions with your family and your primary care provider, and online resources can be helpful, including the New York State Department of Health website, but they do not require a lawyer.

>> They do not know.

Health care proxy is a form that you can find online.

You can find it at your doctor's office.

everyone should have a health care proxy, and you should also know if you are someone's health care proxy.

I was just talking to a colleague of mine whose husband was designated as a health care proxy for a loved one, and never knew it until they were in a position of having to make that decision.

So, again, important to have those conversations with family members.

But no, you do not need an attorney to be involved in that process.

That is a conversation you should have with your primary care physician and whomever it is that you're designated as your health care proxy.

>> And for the end of life care for the advanced directives.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong here.

I am going to speak maybe a little out of turn, but that it's not cut and dry in terms of resuscitation, not resuscitation.

Right.

You can be a little more specific.

And in that kind of care, because obviously we all want to live if we can.

but there are, you know, there's nuances to it, but again, doesn't require a lawyer conversations.

You don't need to go to a specialist in palliative care, whatever.

It's a conversation you can have with just your primary care physician or whoever it is that you see on a regular basis for care.

Or if you don't know, you know, we can always help find someone for you.

>> So so let's at the other side of this break, let's take some phone calls.

Let's take some more emails.

A lot of good questions out there that are coming in and indication of the interest.

And as we go to break, just consider these numbers from AARP survey.

The top concern that people express about death and dying is they say they don't want to become a physical or financial burden on family and friends.

That's the number one.

And I totally understand that any human being would never want to be a burden in any way on your kids, on your family.

But you know what?

Your family doesn't think of you as a burden.

Your family loves you and wants you to be able to talk about this.

I have been there myself.

I have experienced this with my family.

Trust me, communication is better.

58% said that they worried about how their elderly care recipient would get the care needed.

So yeah, big questions about what to do, how long someone lives, what, what pays for what, and 56% with spouses or partners say they worry about how that person would manage in general, all of these concerns can be better alleviated with better communication and better knowledge.

So the Empowered Aging Forum is going to be a big part of that.

That's two Saturdays from now, the 15th of November, 9 to 2 at Monroe Community College.

And the people behind that are with us this hour, Assembly member Sarah Clark from district 136 of the New York State Assembly.

Anna Stetzel is director of Training and education at Lifespan.

They'll be there next Saturday as well.

Let's get more of your calls and emails on the other side of this break.

Coming up in our second hour, do you think you'd be able to tell the difference between an actual news story and a piece of foreign propaganda that used A.I.?

New studies indicate we are not great at knowing the difference and we're getting worse.

Or maybe foreign governments.

Governments around the world are getting better at using A.I.

for the purpose of propaganda.

So what are the risks and what can we do about this?

We'll discuss it next hour.

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>> This is Connections.

I'm Evan Dawson.

All right, let me get Jean in Penfield first on the phone.

Hey, Jean, go ahead.

>> Yes.

just a point.

I'd like to make.

It may be that the family is not really the proper party or parties to deal with these things with parents.

it may be that there may be a number of reasons why.

For example, a parent may not feel it's proper and appropriate to divide his or her estate equally among their children.

There may be a child who has contributed more to them in terms of their care.

There may be a child who has a greater need than another child, and I would suggest that the proper attitude of the family would be to try to encourage the parents to talk to an attorney and or financial adviser, and to have these kinds of discussions be between the parent.

>> Oh, we lost you, Jean.

>> Involving the children.

>> Oh, yeah.

There you are.

Okay I think we got it, Jean.

Thank you for that.

A lot of really good stuff.

Assemblymember Clark you want to start?

>> Yeah, I think that.

I mean, we're going to have both at the, at the forum to get conversations started.

I do think there some, some conversations are sensitive and I don't you know, I am my mom's power of attorney, my parents power of attorney.

My sister is a health proxy.

So but at the same time, in terms of their will, their estate planning, I don't know any details and I don't want to know any details.

And they've had those conversations with an attorney and a financial planner.

because I do think it is sensitive and I but the only way your wishes are going to be met is if you plan.

If you don't plan, you're leaving it in the hands of whoever is left behind.

so, again, I agree that we should encourage these conversations with experts outside of the family.

I do think it's a great place to start for so many people, but I also, you know, really trying to figure out ways to make sure those conversations happen is important.

>> Yeah.

And I think it's important, too, to recognize that the conversation you have with family members is, is, yes, about what your wishes are.

And it's about what's realistic for your family members, what responsibilities they're comfortable taking over, what their capabilities are.

So you're totally right, Jean, that this you know, it does need to be a two way conversation with with family.

But as Sarah said, involving other experts in that conversation or just other people, you feel comfortable having these conversations with, whether it's, you know, a professional that works in the social work field or care management.

you know, if conversations with your family are difficult, there are services out there to help with supportive decision making environments and mediation and conflict resolution, because sometimes it can get it can get heated, it can get difficult.

>> Yeah.

I don't want to just frame it like, well, if everybody talks, everything will be easy, right?

I mean, fine, Jean is not wrong.

That family dynamics can make this hard, correct?

Yes.

But I'm glad that there are other services outside of that family structure available.

Anna.

>> So yes.

And if I can just speak on that super briefly.

So one of our newest program, at Lifespan is called Family Matters.

It's went through a couple of name changes over the last few years, but that program started because of this exact conversation we were hearing from our clients and their family members that they were not able to have productive conversations around end of life planning.

You know, adult children and their parents sometimes have different opinions about what should or shouldn't happen, what someone can or cannot do.

and we wanted to provide an opportunity for families to have a productive and supportive conversation where all members can have an opportunity to have their voices heard.

So yes, there are there are people out there.

There are programs out there that can help with some of those conversations, because family dynamics are a huge part of it.

>> And that's even things, you know, when you think about taking away independence from our parents in ways that you may have to at end of life or as they age in terms of driving, in terms of paying bills, in terms of being the person in charge of your finances on a day to day basis.

you know, these are things that lifespan we are so blessed to have these services here.

But they, you know, you think about, you know, you're not the one that paid the bills for 30 years.

And then all of a sudden you have to.

Are you ready?

Do you know how to can you get help?

but then also, I think as, as kids to our parents, if, if keys have to be taken.

These are very, very hard conversations to have.

And we need to know what resources are out there to help.

>> All right.

Back to your phone calls, Joel in Rochester next.

Hi, Joel.

Go ahead.

>> Yeah.

Hi.

Thanks for taking my call.

I want to mention something about pet trusts.

I've had a lot of.

Well, first of all, let me say that I've had a lot of friends and family pass away without a will or any kind of a plan.

And like you all have been saying, unfortunately, what happens is people come on board and come to the scene and you know, the wishes of the person that's passed are oftentimes not carried out as a result.

So, you know, I think to avoid some of those things, it's great that you're talking about planning and what to do in these situations.

Having said that one of the things that also happens when people pass is that they leave animals or animal children, and there's oftentimes no plan for those cats, dogs and other creatures.

And so what I've been encouraging a lot of people, including folks who I know who do fostering and folks who have cats and dogs and other animals is to create a pet pet trust.

And that enables, you know, people who are who are left behind to have a plan.

Oftentimes, if there's money available for what to do with those critters, and it's oftentimes easier to find a home for those animals, then, because there's a plan and there's money then available to make sure that those animals needs are met for the rest of their lives.

So one of the things that's great is AARP has a form online.

there's some other information online about pet trusts.

But everybody I've talked to who's thinking about these issues has been super appreciative of the fact that, you know, sometimes our most important creatures in our lives are our animals and not other humans.

So thank you.

>> Yeah.

Joel, I want to say this for anybody who's hearing, like, well, that's got to be down the list.

It may not be the number one, but I'll say this.

Since my stepfather died, I was really worried about my mom.

I thought, you know, living alone.

He was kind of her life.

I've been worried about her for years, about facing when this eventually came.

And now he's been gone for a year, and she got two cats, and she is the most delightful cat lady.

She loves them.

She talks about, I said, like, do you want to come to Rochester for Christmas?

She's like, I could not leave flesh and Jenna, you know, like, that's like, that's the thing in her life.

And she loves them.

They have sustained a level of interest, care, love for her.

That's different.

But really, really important.

And so, Joel, right now, I've never had a conversation of what happens to Flash and Jenna if anything happens to you, mom.

But we should.

We really should because she cares and we should care.

And people worry about that, too.

So what would you want to know their Anna.

>> Well, I will say that one of the top concerns of older adults we look, we work with who are having to leave their home for whatever reason is what is going to happen to my pet.

Yeah.

and we know that especially for older adults who are particularly isolated or lonely, pets provide a great sense of comfort and support.

so, Joel, I so appreciate that.

I, I did not know that there was a formal pet trust document.

so I am going to go back to my office and look into that and share that with my coworkers.

>> I was just about to say, we should definitely have those printed out for the forum on the 15th.

I did not know that there was an exact form, and I do think having resources even if it's temporary, like if you're doing rehab, I know that, you know, for some parents who have or for my parents who have a pet, that's a big issue if you have to go and even short term rehab and there's great fosters out there that will take temporarily.

But again, if there are resources, it makes some of that transition easier.

and planning for it again, name of the game.

>> so many, so many good emails.

I'm just going to keep going as fast as I can.

Joel, thank you for that great phone call.

two very similar ones.

the first comes from Jennifer, who says my mom is in her 80s and starting to develop memory and dementia issues.

I was warned to get her paperwork in order before it gets worse.

Can she add my name to her bank account so I have access to pay bills when she can no longer do it herself?

Is it as simple as walking into the bank with her, or do I have to get a financial power of attorney document.

>> So it to be added as a joint account owner, it is as simple as going to the bank.

My understanding with your mother and adding her to the account.

however, I would also advise that there is a power of attorney document put in place.

I don't want to provide any legal advice, and that's certainly not, again, my expertise.

But being a joint account owner and being power of attorney are two different two different things.

but both really should be considered.

>> Yeah.

And I again, I'm both for my, my family.

And that was a you know, it makes things a little easier.

But you can become a joint account owner by just showing up at the both in person with proper I.D.

and all of that to make that happen.

But again, I don't know if it's going to give you everything you need without the full power of attorney.

>> So do both and do it now.

Yes.

Get out.

>> Of things.

>> Yes.

So, Jennifer thank you.

Similar Joe has a similar question Joe emailed to ask how easy is it to just transfer ownership of a house?

So again, a legal issue that Anna Stetzel is not here with an attorney hat on providing legal advice.

Lifespan will tell you, they'll hook you up with people who can answer those questions.

Assemblymember Clark, do you want to take a.

>> I was just going to say.

Sounds like a lot of people need to sign up for this forum next Saturday.

and get their questions answered because these are they do get very technical, and I don't think either of us want to give full financial or legal expertise advice because we don't want to get it wrong and point anyone in the wrong direction.

So definitely show up.

But again, these are all the exact questions is, you know, the five book look, period.

You can't transfer a house within those five years because it's going to have a different effect.

If you're looking for Medicaid down the road.

upon the death of somebody, is it going through probate or not going through probate?

Those are questions that have to be answered in terms of how easy some of these situations are, or what happens, because each one is individual will have its own ramifications.

>> I do want to point out one of the partners that we work with very closely at lifespan, the legal assistance of Western New York law, New York, they will be doing the presentation about estate planning at the event on Saturday, November 15th.

but they also have a free senior legal services hotline that you can call 3252520.

And just ask basic questions around legal issues such as the one that our the recent email that you read, Evan, came through as.

So you know, you can call lifespan, but we oftentimes point people to seeking out legal services and law.

New York has a great free resource for that.

>> All right.

On we go.

Here, Kathy and Chilly says beneficiary on everything checking account, savings accounts, investment accounts, retirement accounts, CDs, life insurance.

Then it doesn't go through probate but passes automatically to the beneficiary.

Start conversations by talking about someone else like, gee, Mr.

Smith is in the hospital and his daughter needed to get some important papers out of his safe deposit box, but she can't because her name is not on it, or Mr.

Smith is in the hospital and Mr.

Smith can't pay the county taxes because her name is not on the checking account.

My kids have known for 20 years.

I'm unequivocally a DNR, DNI, no feeding tube, no chemo, and I'm checking out at 80.

Cathy and Kylie.

>> Cathy, Cathy, Cathy and Kylie is ready and she knows her stuff.

>> That is a prepared person with a prepared family.

>> Yes.

And I will say too, I. I thought of something when when you were reading that, Evan, that, you know, it's it's not sometimes just about these legal documents.

It's knowing the safe code.

It's knowing passwords.

If you need to access information.

>> Documents are.

>> Yeah.

so, yeah, it sounds like Cathy is in a great place.

We could probably use her to have some help, have some conversations with folks that we work with.

But yeah, it great work, Cathy, on that.

>> And I was just saying my mom was just calling, just so everyone knows.

I don't know if she's listening to me on the radio or just wanted to check in, so who knows.

but I also, I do think the idea, even if there fictitious using stories can sometimes help break those conversations of of another scenario in which you're trying to get to, you know, we use it with our teenagers now in terms of starting conversations instead of just out of nowhere saying, hey, you know, what's your passcode to your safe?

But again, broaching it by saying, this has happened to someone else and it's put them in a real difficult situation, you know, what should we do?

Or can we talk about it or whatever does help?

So that was actually great advice.

>> Oh, so much feedback.

We just we could have done both hours on this.

Let's just keep going.

Jane and Bloomfield.

Hey, Jane, go ahead on the phone.

Hey, Jane.

Go ahead.

Yep.

>> Hi.

Can you hear me?

>> Yep.

Go ahead.

>> Okay, good.

I was wondering, we have a relative who is showing signs of mental failing, not knowing what day it is, but it doesn't happen all the time.

They're also very stubborn, so I don't know that they would take feedback.

I don't know if we should do a wellness check because I don't think they would respond well to that.

I don't know what other options exist to get this person who won't go see their doctor to be evaluated.

>> Wu Fei Anna you want to.

>> So, I mean, one thing that we have to remember when it comes to adults is the right to self-determination, right?

We all have the ability to make decisions for ourselves that we may agree or disagree with.

you know, it sounds like this person you're concerned about, Jane, you're concerned for valid reasons.

I think, you know, I hate to keep using this term, but planting the seed about resources and services that are out there, for her to take advantage of if and when she's ready these things are really hard because as concerned people you know, we often have a an opinion or a thought about what we think someone should be doing to better take care of themselves, especially when capacity comes into play.

You're concerned that she might not have the capacity to be making decisions that are good for her?

but I would.

It's a friend.

A concerned friend, like, express those concerns to her as best you can and encourage her to, to take advantage of resources that are out there.

to help her better care for herself.

That's that's a tough situation.

>> okay.

Thank you.

>> Jane.

Thank you.

I mean, that really is so hard.

And I, you know, I mean, my own father has a a diagnosis similar to what Jane's talking about.

And every case is different, and it's hard to watch someone change and go through that.

but it definitely has sharpened for me my desire to have not only planning, but the the kinds of conversations that you don't want to wait to have about a lot of different things, I would say.

>> And I would say whether a friend or family, I mean, if people aren't ready to receive information, there are also support groups for people who are family members who are going through the same thing.

And lifespan does a great job with those as well.

to to also ask and have a group of people that you can reach out to who are going through similar things in terms of how to approach difficult subjects and those things.

So lots of resources out there.

Getting to them is is key.

>> Yeah.

All right.

A lot of love for lifespan.

Julian Brighton says our family only realized that my late father's Alzheimer's was a huge issue when he fell for a few big scams.

We contacted lifespan and they were such a huge help in figuring out what to do and how to handle things.

They assisted us in taking his keys away, which was incredibly difficult.

I'm not sure how we would have done this without them or without the respite care that they helped us get.

That's from Julie and Sheila says first, it's great to hear people from lifespan because they are a valuable source of information on all things.

Elder.

After our family met with lifespan, we actually sat down with our 90 plus year old parents and went over the advanced directives, medical proxy forms with them.

It took a couple of hours each, but it was worth it in the long run to know exactly what each of them wanted in their end of days.

I would also say that anyone who wants to start some of these difficult conversations with their parents should read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.

The book gives you a set of questions you can ask your parents or loved ones as they get into the later stages of life.

For example, what would be the deal breaker where you would no longer want medical intervention?

For some, it's just being able to watch football in an easy chair.

For others, it's having to use a feeding tube.

It's a lot easier to go through these things before the elder has reached that stage, or developed dementia.

And she says, speaking as someone who lost their father recently, I would say this has made the difference between second guessing what my father wanted and how we did proceed in his last days.

It also helped us prepare ourselves for our final stages.

So great endorsement there from Sheila as well.

Great advice.

And I've heard people talk about Atul Gawande's book.

so that's another great endorsement there.

John in Rochester, briefly, he says if coworkers that passed away were later found to have stolen large amounts of money from your father's retirement while they worked together, can the attorneys from lifespan help with that?

I hope.

>> So, we attorneys can help with that lifespan.

We do not have attorneys.

We do not provide legal services, but we have a great elder law attorney resource list on our website.

We partner with legal services like the legal assistance of Western New York law, New York.

so there definitely are resources that we can provide to you to, to get to the right place for that.

>> Okay.

Hope that helps there.

John.

Alicia wants to know if Sarah briefly can speak to supporting.

136 medical aid and dying bill here.

>> well, I was a co-sponsor of it and voted in the affirmative.

Obviously, it passed both the Senate and the Assembly this year.

It was a tough vote for many.

I mean, there's a lot of different but all the doctors that I've spoken to, those in the medical community say this bill was designed as probably one of the best in the country as a model in terms of really empowering people's choices.

and even doctors who I've talked to who said not only does it empower your choice, but often it flags a problem and people don't even end up using medical aid in dying because they've now flagged that there's something painful in their life that's really happening, and it can get addressed because it is a tool to move forward, to say, you know, whatever it may be, that that it prompts that outreach.

But like we said, it has passed both the Senate and the Assembly.

It has not been signed by the governor.

We have not really gotten an indication either way.

>> Do you expect the governor to sign it?

>> It's really hard to get a read.

you know, I thought it would happen right as we passed it.

You know, I didn't think it would sort of wait this long.

so I have heard nothing in terms of which way she's leaning on it, but it is really an empowering tool.

So.

>> And if you don't mind, when the last 45 seconds, I'm going to go a little outside of the scope here and just ask you briefly.

the R Genie rate case, you've signed on as an intervenor in the Public Service Commission regarding delivery rates for Genie Gas and Electric service.

>> I sure have, and honestly, this is something when we talk about aging that is affecting mostly older New Yorkers in my district utility bills have really become a point of contention and really struggling for so many families to pay them and really trying to figure out what we can do to ensure ratepayers aren't getting this extra burden put on them.

So please reach out if you have any thoughts about the Genie rate case.

>> Okay.

What do you expect to come next there.

>> On the rate case?

well, so we go through this process and then basically it's decided whether it's a yes or no on their current ask.

And if it's a no, does it go before a judge?

Does it go to negotiation?

this will take many more months, as we assume the last one took, I think 18 months.

but they can take anywhere from 11 to 18, so stay tuned.

But please reach out if you're having any concerns.

We need to do more.

Affordability is a real issue.

>> I want to thank our guests for telling us about the Empowered Aging Forum.

It's coming up at two Saturdays next Saturday, November 15th, 9 a.m.

to 2 p.m.

Monroe Community College.

They are providing lunch, but that probably shouldn't be what gets you there.

You know what should get you there?

If you care about these issues and you don't want to miss out because these events across the country get a lot of attention, they already have 100 people signed up.

They've got some spots for you.

If you sign up now and we'll have links, you can check out links at Lifespan or Assemblymember Clark site, or on the Connections platforms later today when we post the show.

Notes.

Anna Stetzel at Lifespan.

Thank you for your expertise.

>> Thank you.

This has been great.

Really appreciate it.

>> Assembly member Sarah Clark, thank you for being here.

>> On Election Day.

Polls close at nine.

Don't forget to vote.

>> I knew you were going to say that.

more Connections coming up in a moment.

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