(film reel clicks) (peaceful instrumental music) (man speaking foreign language) (dramatic, brassy instrumental music) >> Man Voiceover: These are four brilliant criminals at the climax of their most magnificent effort.

This effort began six months ago in Porto Verto, where we were all to board the ship for Africa.

They were my associates in a quest for uranium, an element not one of them knew the first thing about except that they'd heard you could get dough for it.

Big dough.

>> Who, I mean what, do you suppose they are?

>> Businessmen, does it matter?

>> Well, if we're going to be on a small boat with them for weeks and weeks.

>> I only said they might be fellow passengers.

>> Harry, we must beware of those men.

They're desperate characters.

>> What makes you say that?

>> Not one of them looked at my legs.

(marching instrumental music) >> Good morning, Mrs. Dannreuther.

Good morning, Billy-Boy.

Care to join us in a stroll?

Stir up the liver, sweat out the toxins, help nature to help you.

>> Billy: Wouldn't dream of it.

>> Really, Billy, you mustn't be so offhand with Mr. Peterson.

>> If I were to treat him with more than common politeness, he'd misunderstand and try to push me around.

Mr. Peterson is a bully.

>> Billy.

>> Huh?

>> Did you see this?

That man in London has been killed.

>> What man?

>> "Paul Vanmeer, high ranking official "in the Colonial Office, was stabbed to death "early this morning by an unknown assailant "outside a club in Soho.

"This is the third crime of violence "to occur in this vicinity within the past month."

What is it, Billy?

In heaven's name, Billy, say something!

>> You understand, of course, that Peterson arranged this.

>> It seems there's been a lot of violence around there lately.

>> Don't pretend to be a fool.

>> But look, Billy, this happened early Tuesday morning.

We'd all left London right before that.

>> What about Jack Ross, what about the Galloping Major?

>> But I thought he only stayed behind to get that phone call from Mombasa, if it came through.

He'll be here this morning.

>> Well?

>> Don't get so excited!

Don't jump to unpleasant conclusions.

>> Jump, they might as well have drawn a map.

>> Why was Peterson worried about Vanmeer?

What made him think he was dangerous?

>> He was afraid Vanmeer wouldn't stay bought, afraid he'd get the wind up after we'd gone.

He had visions of him trotting upstairs to his superiors, announcing, "I have certain information "that certain persons are paid certain sums of money-- >> Don't talk so loud, Billy.

>> "To obtain illegal rights to certain mineral supplies."

>> That Indian, that rajah or whatever he was, that you worked for in the old days, he killed a lot of people, didn't he?

>> Ah, but he had a better style.

Besides, he was out for a kingdom, half the size of France.

>> What's the difference between that and millions of dollars?

We must think of the future, Billy.

This is our big chance.

It may be our last.

Except for Mr. Peterson, we couldn't even pay last night's hotel bill.

Where are you going?

>> I'm going to the cafe, drink a lot of Pernod, and listen to the band.

>> You won't make a fuss, will you?

It doesn't do to make a fuss.

You have to think of the main objective.

>> Naturally, it doesn't do to be fussy.

(brassy instrumental music) >> It's your move, Gwendolyn.

(Billy speaking foreign language) (brassy instrumental music) >> The luggage is in there.

Bring it up.

(brassy instrumental music) >> Harry, look, the desperadoes!

>> Harry: Shh!

>> Not quite in our contract, Billy, hard liquor before noon.

>> I'm celebrating.

>> Celebrating what?

>> The safe arrival of the major.

He came galloping in a minute ago, looking tired but satisfied.

I take it his mission was accomplished?

>> Yes, well, it's getting on to lunchtime, gentlemen.

I'll see you later, Billy.

>> Your move, Gwendolyn.

Gwendolyn, it's your move.

>> Oh.

Check.

>> Blast!

>> Are you sailing on the Nyanga?

>> Africa bound.

>> So are we.

>> My name is Chelm, this is my wife.

>> Billy: How do you do, my name's Dannreuther.

>> Chelm: How do you do?

>> Are your friends sailing, too?

>> Billy: The whole kit and caboodle.

>> You're a very mysterious group, I must say.

>> Really, Gwendolyn!

>> How so mysterious?

>> Well, for one thing, you all appear to be of different nationalities.

>> Your move, Gwendolyn.

>> Check.

I have a theory about you and your friends.

>> Correction, my associates.

>> As a matter of fact, I think you're doctors, evil ones, I mean.

You're going to the heart of the jungle, where human life is cheap, to perform ghastly experiments, which require the sacrifice of thousands on the altar of science.

>> You must excuse my wife.

She has a very lively imagination.

(chuckles) (Billy chuckles) >> Gwendolyn: Checkmate.

>> I don't know how you expect me to play a decent game when you keep talking all the time.

>> Harry's been all out of sorts today.

Usually, he's a wonderful loser.

>> Good morning, Mr. Dannreuther.

I bring you the captain's compliments, along with the sad news that the sailing of the S.S. Nayanga has been postponed.

>> Now look here, this boat is definitely, most definitely scheduled to sail at 2400 hours.

>> Scheduled, Mr. Chelm, but not, I fear, destined to do so.

>> Propeller gone, or is the captain drunk?

>> Of course the captain is drunk, but the real trouble is with the oil pump.

>> Well, it's not good enough.

Simply not good enough.

>> Quite right, sir.

But you're putting it too mildly.

The present oil pump is no good at all.

>> Harry: Well, how much delay does this mean?

>> To locate, bargain for, purchase, and install a new one will require, I should say, more than a day, less than a fortnight.

>> Utter, hopeless inefficiency.

Probably isn't the oil pump at all.

Just making it an excuse to hang about and pick up extra cargo.

>> Guns or opium?

I wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to be a smuggler.

>> What a miserable place to be stuck in.

A squalid fifth-rate port.

>> Never been in Porto Verto before?

>> Harry: No, I don't know this part of the world at all.

>> I thought not, otherwise, you wouldn't be so upset about staying.

Magnificent country!

Ruins to visit by moonlight, fine stretch of beach.

Back there in the hills, one of the few spots left in the world where you can get decent food and drink.

It's called the Blue Pavilion.

I insist you give me the pleasure of having dinner with us tonight.

>> Oh, that's awfully kind of you but-- >> Us, you and your associates?

>> My wife and me.

>> The committee?

>> Oh, Mr. Chelm, I want you to meet a friend of mine.

This is the Galloping Major.

>> The committee wants you to toddle 'round.

>> Okay.

>> Right away.

>> I'll be along.

>> Better toddle.

>> Billy: I said I'd be along.

>> They don't like to be kept waiting.

>> I'll lay on a car.

We'll meet in front of the hotel at six.

(Billy speaking foreign language) >> Dannreuther, an American, I suppose.

Anyway, I quite like him.

>> Time, 24 hours in a day, 1,440 minutes, for somebody else to get busy on the same idea as ours.

>> We ought to have got a plane and flown out, as I said from the start.

You remember I said it, O'Horror?

>> My name is not O'Horror, it is O'Hara, you hear?

Mr. O'Hara.

>> Yes, Mr. O'Horror.

But you remember I said it?

I said we ought to take a plane.

>> Time, time, what is time?

Swiss manufacture it, the French hoard it, Italians squander it, Americans say it is money, Hindus say it does not exist.

You know what I say?

I say time is a crook.

>> If we took a plane, we'd be there inside 15 hours instead of who knows when.

>> I don't want any more talk about flying.

The sky is for the birds.

My feet are on the ground, both of them.

Come in Billy-Boy.

>> Billy: What's all the fuss about?

>> No fuss, Billy, we're merely wondering what course to pursue in view of this unfortunate delay.

>> Join the peasants in their revels, go to church, write your memoirs.

(Peterson laughs) >> Very funny, I like an associate of mine to have a sense of humor.

Good laugh does more for the stomach muscles than five minutes setting-up exercises.

(laughs) And now that we've had our moment of fun, and all the better for it, let's get back to the question.

Doesn't this delay call for a cable to your friend in British East?

>> Mustn't send cables.

Can't you get it through your head that the population down there has trained noses?

They can smell a uranium deal like a cat smells fish.

>> But aren't you afraid, Billy, that when our little party doesn't show up on the date you said, aren't you a teeny bit afraid that your friend might use that as an excuse to begin negotiations elsewhere?

>> If my friend were looking for an excuse, he'd find a better one in the morning papers.

>> What do you eman?

>> I'm talking about the untimely demise of Paul Vanmeer.

>> Well, I'm appalled, Billy.

What an unwholesome opinion you must have of your colleagues to imagine that we-- >> Look here, Peterson, you don't have to convince me of anything.

You don't care what I think as long as I don't do anything about it, and I won't, unless you ever decide to sic that knife-happy little junkie on me.

>> Watch yourself, laddie.

>> Now, Jack, behave yourself.

Sit down.

For shame, Billy.

I think you owe an apology to everybody in this room.

And, if you're half the gentleman I know you are, I'm sure you'll make it.

>> As I was saying, Peterson, you've nothing to worry about.

My friend won't pull out unless I tell him to, and, for purely venal reasons, that's the last thing I have in mind.

>> Jack, give Billy a light.

(light instrumental music) >> What a wonderful car.

It looks as if it won the Gran Prix d'Elegance many years ago.

>> Oh, it did.

It was built for Oriposo, you know, the bullfighter.

He had it made this way so he could stand up and take bows.

He only got one ride in it, and bequeathed it to me on his deathbed.

Well, here's to Oriposo.

Hope you like champagne.

>> You mean it's yours?

>> Well, I gave it to my former chauffeur, the fat bandit in the front seat.

>> Harry, look at that wonderful villa.

>> Billy: Oh, that was Bertie Crampton's.

>> Oh, you mean Lord Crampton in Gloucestershire?

His family acres marched hand-in-hand with ours.

>> Gloucestershire, the cathedral town, trout fishing, garden parties, what a beautiful life.

>> You know England well?

>> Emotionally, I am English.

I serve tea every afternoon with crumpets, and I've always kept up my subscription to Country Life and to Tattler.

>> The trouble with England, it's all pomp and no circumstance.

You're very wise to get out of it, escape while you can.

>> Well, I'd hardly describe myself as escaping.

It simply so happens that a relative of mine, first cousin, actually, who died recently, happened to be the owner of a coffee plantation.

>> Africa's the place now.

You talk about the diamond boys, the gold boys, they just skimmed a little off the top.

Potential mineral wealth of Africa's hardly been scratched.

>> Now there is a villa.

>> Big.

>> That's the Villa Capriccio, famed in song and story, a three star attraction in Baedeker.

>> Whose is it?

>> The banks own it now.

Used to be mine.

>> Yours?

>> Yes, I brought old Charles over from Fouquet's, you know, the old Fouquet's, to run it for me.

Then, when I decided to pull up stakes, I bought him this restaurant we're going to.

Least I could do to show my appreciation.

Well, here we are.

Charles, Charles!

Wait here a minute while I round ole Charles out.

He doesn't even know we're in this neck of the woods.

Charles, Charles!

>> He must think we're extraordinarily naive.

Knew all those people, owned that vast villa, bought this place because he liked the fella's cooking.

What a lot of balderdash.

>> Oh, perhaps he did.

>> I beg leave to doubt it.

Did you notice his wife?

She seemed to me a rather sensitive little woman, really embarrassed by all that rot.

>> I am sorry, signor, as you see, we are closed.

We do not open for another two months.

>> Billy: Charles, what the devil's going on here?

This place is falling to rack and ruin.

>> The place is closed.

We'll have to dine in the hotel, after all.

>> Monsieur Dann.

(laughs) Monsieur Dann.

(laughs) Madame.

Why did you not let me know you were coming?

You did not say you were with Mr. Dann.

Nothing is closed to Mr. Dannreuther.

>> Good to see you again, Charles.

>> It's been too long, Monsieur Dann, not since the night you left the villa.

Remember your farewell party?

>> I've tried ever since to forget it.

>> Remember how, in the morning, we escorted you to the train with violins playing, and everybody cried like when a king you love very much leaves his country.

>> Aren't you dressed yet?

>> Do I appear to be dressed?

>> Do dress, do hurry.

It's a most wonderful day, and Billy wants us to ride out and see his villa.

>> His former villa.

Obviously, I can't go, I've got a chill on my liver.

What a miserable place to be ill. And you forgot to pack my hot water bottle.

>> You packed it.

>> Gwendolyn, I distinctly remember.

(phone rings) >> Hello.

Oh, hello.

No, I'm afraid we can't.

Harry has this wretched chill-- >> Give me the telephone.

Chelm here, yes.

Quite, absolutely.

A hot water bottle.

That's very, very good of you, old boy.

Now look here, Dannreuther, would you mind very much if my wife went alone?

She enjoys the sightseeing sort of stuff, you know?

Splendid, splendid, I'll send her along.

You know, Gwendolyn, nowadays, you simply cannot afford to dismiss people just because they're not one's sort.

One has to try and bridge the gulf.

After all, it's a new world we're going into.

One's got to take it as one finds it.

Face it, use it, master it!

(gentle instrumental music) >> You know, I've seen Americans on the street and in the cinema, of course, but I've never talked to one before.

Are you a typical American?

I think it's important that I should know.

>> Why important?

>> There are two good reasons for falling in love.

One is that the object of your affections is unlike anyone else, a rare spirit, such as Lord Byron.

The other is that he's like everybody else, only superior.

Harry, for instance, is the very best of a type.

>> Well, if you must know, I'm a typical rare spirit.

>> How long did you live here?

>> Well, the longest I've ever lived anywhere.

Two years.

>> But when you were a child, didn't you ever have a mother and a father and a house and a street and a town?

>> No, I was an orphan until I was 20, and then a rich and beautiful lady adopted me.

>> You know, I've changed my mind about you being an evil doctor.

You're off to keep a rendezvous some place in Africa sacred to the tribesmen.

You're going to found a new empire and make yourself master of the riches of the world.

But you need a beautiful blonde queen to impress the natives, as the incarnation of the Queen of Sheba.

That's why you're making a pass at me.

>> Am I?

>> Of course.

I don't generally go sightseeing with strange men.

You don't believe that, do you?

>> Oh, I believe anything you say.

>> Do you?

Well, you shouldn't, you know, you really shouldn't.

>> Mr. Chelm.

>> Yes?

>> Maria: It's I, Mrs. Dannreuther, Maria.

>> Oh, come in.

>> Tea for two, and two for tea.

>> Now, that's mostly awfully kind of you.

You shouldn't have troubled, really.

>> Billy told me you had a chill.

>> Bit of one, on the liver, too tiresome.

>> Milk, of course?

>> Of course.

>> I feel I should like somehow to do him a good turn of some kind.

>> You do?

>> Well, naturally.

>> Oh, I see, naturally.

>> I think it would be nice if you were able to do something for him, help him along, give him the benefit of your advice.

>> Delighted, of course.

For instance?

>> Oh, something with business.

He was very pleased with that tip you gave him on the way home last night about the gold shares.

>> I've forgotten what I told him.

What was it?

>> I don't remember either.

I was listening to your voice, I wasn't listening to what you said.

You see, if you were helping him, it would be so much easier for us to be together a lot out there in Africa.

>> Well, has he any head for business?

>> Why, he's simply brilliant.

>> Well, I wouldn't have thought it.

>> But of course he is!

You don't suppose I'd marry a ninny, do you?

If you imagine that Harry's simply going to Africa to plant coffee, you're very much mistaken.

In point of fact, in point of fact, coffee is the least of Harry's interests.

In point of fact, the land he is acquiring is extremely rich in certain minerals, minerals which are indispensable to the production of atomic energy.

Harry's land simply teems with uranium.

Wouldn't surprise me to see him become a uranium king.

So you see, my husband isn't such a ninny as you may have imagined.

It might very well be worth your while to go in with him.

The potential mineral wealth of Africa's hardly been scratched.

>> Billy: So I was telling you last night.

>> Gwendolyn: Well, of course, it's a well known fact.

(comical instrumental music) (car rumbles) >> Peterson: Billy-Boy.

Have a happy day?

>> Very.

>> I'm so glad.

What an attractive woman Mrs. Chelm is.

>> Is that what you called me over to tell me?

>> Who are the Chelms?

>> They're English, going on to British East.

They have a coffee plantation.

>> Any money in coffee?

>> No, but there's a type of Englishman who goes off to coffee plantations without carrying whether there's any money in it or not.

Relatives leave them coffee plantations, and they go out to them.

But why this sudden interest in the Chelms?

>> I just like to know who's making friends with my friends.

(chuckles) >> Now you know.

(gentle instrumental music) >> Maria: You know, if I ever leave you, it will be for someone of the type of Harry Chelm.

>> Well, bully for you.

>> I suppose that type of Englishman is like a story I once heard.

An English gardener in England was showing some Americans one of those wonderful English lawns, and, of course, they wanted to know how to make a lawn like that, and this English gardener said-- >> He said all you have to do is get some good grass and roll it every day for 600 years.

I heard that story before you were born.

Englishmen tell it when they're feeling down in the mouth.

>> You just don't understand the Chelm type.

(Billy hums) You're not even listening, you never do!

Some day, I'll say goodbye, and you won't hear that, either.

One day, I shall really meet my type and run off with him, and you'll be simply amazed.

>> It's possible.

>> George Moore said, I learned it by heart years ago, he said that each great passion is the fruit of many fruitless years.

George Moore was a very distinguished English writer, you know.

>> Except that he was Irish.

Cheer up, sugar.

If I make a million on this deal, I'll buy you an old English lawn, one we can roll up and take with us.

>> Billy, good morning.

>> Billy: What's our wide-eyed Irish leprechaun doing outside my door?

>> Why do you always make jokes about my name, huh?

In Chile, the name of O'Hara is a tip top name.

Many Germans in Chile have become to be called O'Hara.

>> Maria: Good morning, Mr. O'Hara.

>> Madame, my respects.

>> Perhaps Mr. O'Hara would like something to drink.

>> Yes, maybe perhaps a little whisky, huh?

Very weak, please.

>> What's this visit in honor of?

>> O'Hara: Oh, just wanted to have a little talk with you.

>> Okay, but make it fast.

>> Fast?

I give you my word, Billy, I give you my word, I feel to you like an older brother.

Oh, it's not so much the difference of age, it's probably, yes, the reason is because I come from a culture which is so much older than yours.

In my country, a child, six years old, is older in his heart than you'll be at 60.

>> It smokes, it drinks, it philosophizes.

At this rate, I'll be 60 before you get to the point.

>> The point, the point is that Peterson, Ravello, and myself, we are the principals in this case.

We are in with the money.

We cannot switch around and turn, but an agent, it's easy to imagine that he could conceivably, doesn't feel himself quite as irrevocably committed as Peterson or (speaker drowned out by bell tolling).

>> We're fellow passengers, I believe.

>> Gwendolyn: Not quite yet, would you say?

>> Too sadly true.

>> By any chance, you don't happen to have seen your Mr. Dannreuther about?

>> I don't think Billy's up it.

It's not 11, he's rather a late riser.

>> But he said... Well, anyway.

>> I wouldn't put too much stock into what Billy said, particularly when he's had a few drinks.

It's not that he means to break his word, he just forgets that he's given it.

Charm and dependability so seldom go in one package.

There are exceptions, of course.

Your husband, I imagine, from his manner and behavior, is one.

>> Oh, yes, very.

Well, quite, I mean.

>> I'm so looking forward to meeting your husband and having a chat about Africa.

>> By all means.

>> I understand he's in coffee?

>> Gwendolyn: You make it sound like a total immersion.

>> (chuckles) The part of Africa we're going to is due for some pretty important changes.

In my opinion, things will be booming out there before you can say Jack Robinson.

>> I do hope there won't be too many changes.

It's completely unspoiled, I hear, with some of the loveliest scenery in the world.

>> I can't imagine anything more lovely in the way of scenery than to have a few acres of gold and diamonds cropping up on a piece of land I'd bought for a song.

>> Heaven forbid.

Next thing, there'd be big, ugly holes everywhere and great horrid machines instead of lovely scenery.

Anyway, I don't think my husband worries much about money and business, that sort of thing.

>> Really?

>> I mean, to appreciate my husband's point of view, one has to understand his background.

Those lawns, hundreds of years in the making.

Those immemorial elms.

Those walls hung with family portraits.

Generations of them.

Those great, echoing galleries, where so much of English history has been made.

>> Taxes must be terrific on a place like that.

>> What would people like the Chelms care about taxes with their kind of money?

I mean, when a family has been a power in the city of London for so long, one of the great financial families.

>> Power in the city?

You mean, oh, yes, of course, one of those Chelms.

>> I'm surprised you know about them at all.

Very few people do.

They prefer to work behind the scenes.

>> I find it rather hard to believe that a man in your husband's position would go to Africa just for the coffee planting.

>> You're very quick, aren't you.

In point of fact, he isn't.

In point of fact, he has a very special reason.

>> Peterson: So I suspected.

>> It has to do with sin.

>> Sin?

>> Since the war, my husband has been almost exclusively concerned with spiritual values.

He feels that if he can get away there in the heart of Africa, he will come face to face with essentials.

He wants to work out the problem of sin.

>> Sin?

>> Why, yes, of course.

Isn't that we are all most concerned with?

Sin.

>> Gwendolyn, what are you doing here?

I thought we were supposed to meet on the beach.

>> Gwendolyn: Harry, I want you to meet Mr.-- >> My name is Peterson.

I've been having the most delightful talk to your wife.

She tells me you're interested in spiritual values.

I myself am vastly concerned-- >> Harry, we really better be going.

You will excuse us, Mr. Peterson.

>> What have you been telling that man?

>> Why, nothing, Harry.

He got onto the subject of religion, and I just happened to mention that we usually go to church on Sunday.

>> Billy, I think it's high time you took stock of yourself.

Can you truthfully say about yourself, I, Billy Dannreuther, have acted fairly and squarely to my associates, huh?

>> But of course he can, Mr. O'Hara.

Everybody knows Billy's the soul of honor.

>> Shut up, sugar.

>> Perhaps he is the soul of honor and perhaps appearances are deceiving.

>> Billy: You mind telling me what it is I'm supposed to have done?

>> Nothing.

Your conduct, your conduct does not inspire confidence, and confidence, Billy, is the most important necessity in an undertaking of our kind.

One may be completely innocent, but if one's actions invites suspicions, one might as well be guilty.

To be trustworthy is not more important than to seem to be trustworthy.

>> Billy, have you done something you shouldn't have?

Tell me, Billy, tell me the truth.

>> My conduct.

Who do they think I am, their hired man?

>> But you are, you know, you are the hired man.

>> How good and kind of you to remind me.

How good, how true, how kind.

(bells ring) >> Oh, I say, Dannreuther, good to see you.

How about a drink?

>> Well, I-- >> Oh, come on, my dear fellow, let me buy you a drink.

Oh, Gwendolyn, don't forget to send one to Aunt Beatrice.

(chuckles) Can't understand it.

Gwendolyn distinctly said she'd join me on the beach, then I come back and find her sitting there in that cafe.

Extraordinary creatures, women.

>> Well, let's drink to them.

Pernod.

>> Scotch.

>> Come on, you tiny little wreck, have a drink.

We're drinking to women.

>> I'll take the drink, but won't join you in the toast.

Glass of Irish.

Women!

Hitler had the right idea, keep them in their place.

(speaking foreign language) Babies and the kitchen.

Say what you want to about Hitler, he had his points.

>> Come, come, look here.

>> Each generation's had its chance.

Hitler and Mussolini, those were the men.

Now it's the age of barbarians.

The world's going up in smoke.

I say, let it come, get it over with.

>> Well, if you don't mind, I'd like another year or so of worrying.

>> Worrying?

Just one minute, laddies.

I've just two or three words to say to you, laddies, and that's don't worry, don't ever worry.

I'm in the position to know, secret information, the Rosicrucians, the Great White Brotherhood, the high secret orders.

But you've no faith, you must have faith, faith in power, secret power, men who guard the trust from the deepest insides of the whatchamacallit, mystic rulers, all one club, chained together by one purpose, one idea, mankind's champions, follow me, Billy?

>> Oh, of course.

>> This generation's had its chance.

Hitler, Mussolini.

>> I can't stand here and permit you-- >> Are you interrupting me?

>> Billy: Relax, Jack, have another drink.

>> I simply want to state that things don't happen to be what certain people imagine.

An officer may find himself strapped for money and he may undertake certain things which in other circumstances, no, absolutely no.

>> Absolutely, I mean, absolutely no.

>> In the old days, I should have simply told people of your ilk to buy their own drinks!

>> Poor old Jack.

>> I'll teach you.

I'll teach you to insult an ex-officer of the Indian Army.

Well, are you yellow?

(phone rings) >> The bar.

You're Major Ross?

>> Right.

Ross here.

Right.

Right again.

Come along, the committee.

>> Saved by the bell.

>> I've never heard such rot in my life.

Sin, oh, sin.

All I could was to keep a straight face.

No, I'm certain of it now.

These are two very clever and dangerous antagonists.

Here, help me close this.

>> But how would they possibly know what we're up to?

>> Great interests like the Chelms have ways and means.

>> Yes, and I'm convinced they're out to get us even before we get started.

>> We must get ahead of them.

Time has entered the picture in a new way.

Never forget the time factor, gentlemen.

It always enters the picture in the end.

>> I'm sending a cable to London.

I want full information on those Chelm interests.

>> British Africa, too.

Check up on his interests there.

Every time the plane lands, I'll try and reach you by telephone.

Keep me informed of the latest developments.

Dannreuther, that lying, swinish, rum-swilling double-crosser, what pleasure it would give me-- >> No, you can't at the moment.

We need him, right now we need that swinish, lying, double-- >> Did I hear my name?

Rub-a-dub, three men in a tub.

>> Tub?

Oh.

(laughs) Been a change of plan, Billy-Boy.

You and I are leaving for Africa.

>> How's that?

>> Peterson: You and I are flying to Africa by the next plane.

>> What's happened, Peterson?

Must be something important to get you on a plane.

>> Perfectly simple, Billy-Boy.

The trouble with the oil pump and the general uncertainty about when the Nyanga will sail forces me to sacrifice my personal comfort.

I prefer to fly rather than run the risk of arriving too late.

>> There's also such a thing as arriving too early.

>> What do you mean by that?

>> Well, the land doesn't come up for auction for a couple of weeks.

My friend can't make his move until then.

If we sit around British East all that time, somebody's gonna start wondering who we are and ask questions.

>> Is that your real opinion, Billy, or are you just looking forward to a long sea voyage with the attractive Mrs. Chelm as your companion?

Or, perhaps, you have even other reasons.

>> Billy: Such as?

>> That's for you to know and for us to find out.

You better get your packing done.

>> Billy, where are you going?

>> Billy: Off to Africa, flying.

>> Just like that?

Weren't you even going to kiss me goodbye?

I wish-- >> Don't say it.

>> What?

>> That you wish we'd never met.

You'll be coming on the boat, and, in Africa, we'll get together and-- >> I think I hate you, letting those revolting men order you about.

Don't deny it, I've watched them.

They treat you like a servant.

They say "hop it," and off you hop.

I know what it is.

They have a hold on you, some black secret that could ruin you.

>> Billy: What makes you think that?

>> Oh, it happens all the time.

My old Spanish nurse told me that half the people in the world would be ruined at once if everyone told what they knew.

But couldn't you have them done away with?

You must know plenty of people who could bump them off.

(Billy chuckles) Probably cost a good deal, but it'd be worth it, certainly.

>> Well, it's not impossible, except that afterwards, I wouldn't have any money.

This way, I stand to make a lot.

>> Millions?

>> Maybe.

>> Then perhaps your connection with those men isn't quite so undignified as I thought.

Those millions, will they be pounds or dollars?

>> Either way suits me.

>> No, that's very careless of you.

The state of the pound is so uncertain.

You must think in terms of hard currency.

>> Billy: Maybe I should hire you to handle my affairs.

>> You could do worse.

I'm awfully intelligent, really.

>> Come along, Billy-Boy, the car's waiting.

(dramatic instrumental music) If we can't go faster than this, we'll miss the plane.

Press on, press on!

(dramatic instrumental music) >> Try posting.

(dramatic instrumental music) (driver sighs) (driver speaking foreign language) >> Push, push.

Come on.

One, two, three!

(grunting) (comical instrumental music) >> Driver, driver!

(comical instrumental music) (horn honks) (shuddering crash) (comically morose instrumental music) (people shouting) >> My car, my car, my beautiful car!

>> You did that on purpose!

>> What?

>> You planned it that way!

I know what you're up to, I know everything!

I know about the uranium on the Chelms' land, the Chelm interests in the city of London.

>> The what?

>> You heard me!

The Chelm interests!

>> I take it your information comes from a reliable source.

>> It does!

From Mrs. Chelm herself, in fact!

>> Magnificent!

Simply magnificent!

>> You must pay me back for the loss of my beautiful car.

>> If you weren't a benighted jackass that could see as far as you could spit, you'd know there's not such thing as the Chelm interests.

>> You'll have to do better than that, Mr. Dannreuther, very much better than that!

>> Don't believe me, check with London!

If you find out he's anything more than a down-at-the-heel Gloucestershire squire, you can have my services for nothing.

>> You mean Mrs. Chelm is an unqualified liar?

>> Well, let's say she uses her imagination rather than her memory.

>> You will make restitution, will you no, Mr. Dann?

Either money or a new car.

>> Billy: Why, you fat bandit, I gave you the car in the first place.

>> How I came by it is beside the point.

The fact you gave it to me doesn't make it any the less mine.

>> Shut up!

>> That's right, threaten me.

It is not enough that you destroy my beautiful car.

Now you.

(horn honks) (horn honks) (shouting) >> More than anything, I want Billy to make a grand success out there.

>> As you care so much about money, I should've thought you would have left Billy for some rich man.

I shouldn't think Billy would mind, really.

I mean, neither of you are in love or anything.

>> You are a strange girl.

Of course I love Billy.

Actually, I adore him, and Billy loves me, very, very, but, very much.

That's why I trust him with his little, unimportant amours.

>> What does he say about yours?

>> But, darling, all husbands like their wives to seem attractive to other men.

>> Be sure you explain that to Harry.

I'm going back to the hotel.

>> Mrs. Dannreuther, Maria, I have, I'm afraid, I have some shocking news for you.

>> The boat is not going at all?

>> There's been a terrible accident.

Your husband's car drove over a cliff.

People on the bus saw it fall into the sea.

It seems almost certain that-- >> What is it, what are you trying to say?

>> He's saying that Billy is dead.

>> It's become necessary to redistribute the stock in our company.

>> Stock, stock, what good is the stock now?

We can't deal with Dannreuther's friend, not without Dannreuther.

All the effort, the money, everything went over the cliff with that car.

>> Ravello, you forget, the English are very sentimental people.

I tell you, there is nothing that Billy's friend will not do for his widow, and, in black, she's a very touching figure.

>> Poor Maria, you really have had a wretched time of it.

>> You are very understanding.

>> If only there was something I could do.

>> Just now if you could bring me an aspirin.

I have a headache.

>> Don't move, just you wait there.

I'll be back in a moment.

>> Mussolini, Hitler, and now Peterson.

>> A great man, a great loss.

>> I'm going upstairs and read my Bible.

>> Harry: Why all the gloom?

Maria has a headache.

(Gwendolyn sobs) What's the matter with you?

>> Go away.

>> My dear girl, I'm as sorry about Dannreuther as you are, but, after all, it isn't as if he was one of our oldest friends.

>> I was in love with him.

>> He was a very pleasant acquaintance.

What did you say?

>> Gwendolyn: I was in love with him.

>> Really, darling, have you no control over your romantic fantasies?

>> I loved him!

Can't you hear me?

I loved him, I loved him!

>> Oh, rot!

You're just dramatizing again.

By George, you were right, after all.

I did pack it.

>> Oh, what shall I do?

I feel as though I were drowning.

He's dead.

He's dead and I'm left with a fool like you.

>> I'll tell you what to do, have a bit of shuteye.

You'll wake up in an hour, feeling your old self again, and there'll be no more silly stories about falling for a middle-aged roustabout, rest his soul.

>> Oh, please, go away!

>> I'll just take these to Maria.

(Gwendolyn sobs) >> Mr. Chelm, this is very important, for you as well as for myself.

>> Yes, well, get on with it.

>> There is now an opportunity for you to secure enormous profits with virtually no risk.

I won't beat about the bush.

Our purpose in going to (speaker fades out).

>> For you, as Billy's widow, it will be very easy to persuade his friend in British East, and, for capital, we have Chelm.

>> Quite evidently you've been misinformed as to my interests.

(Maria screams) >> What's the matter with all of you?

Is somebody dead?

>> The car, it went over a cliff.

>> We thought you'd both been killed.

>> Dannreuther, I'm delighted to see you're alive, but your wife is in a fainting condition.

>> Ravello: You mean you're not dead at all?

>> Peterson: Obviously I'm not dead.

>> I knew you weren't dead, I knew it.

I counted 13 backwards 13 times.

My old Spanish nurse said that if you did that, a miracle would happen, and, you see, it has.

>> Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the glad tidings.

The captain is sober and the S.S. Nyanga will sail at midnight.

>> Captain: Now pull, pull!

(shouting) (shouting in foreign language) >> I can't see it anywhere.

What can have happened to it?

My dispatch box, where is it?

A black tin box this size.

What have you done with it?

(crewman speaking foreign language) I told you to take the most particular care of it.

I shall not go onboard til my dispatch box has been found.

>> Having trouble, Chelm?

>> Nothing that I can't cope with myself, thank you.

(crewman speaking foreign language) >> He said he put it in your cabin, whatever it is.

>> Idiot, why didn't he say so in the first place?

>> Say, look, what's happened to Harry?

He's been giving me the fisheye all evening.

>> Oh?

>> What is it?

>> Perhaps it's because when I thought you were dead, I told him I was in love with you.

>> You what?

>> I couldn't help it.

It made you seem less dead.

>> And?

>> Oh, he didn't believe me.

He thought my nerves were upset, a sort of delirium.

He thought it quite a joke, the idea of my inventing a love affair with a middle-aged roustabout like you.

That's what he called you.

>> Well, now that I'm back in the flesh, he'll begin wondering about that delirium of yours.

>> I suppose seeing you alive is different from thinking of you dead.

>> It'll be just great cooped up on that tub with a suspicious husband.

(banging) (shouting foreign language) >> Billy, let's not go.

>> What do you mean?

>> I'm asking you to run away with me.

Now.

>> What about the millions in hard currency?

What's happened to you?

I thought you were my shrewd little manager?

>> I've changed my point of view.

I thought we'd get to Africa and you'd make your fortune, and everything would be wonderful, but now I think it's all too risky, too many things can happen.

I want us to cut and run for it right now.

>> You really mean that?

>> With all my heart.

>> Oh, no, that's impossible.

>> Why?

>> Well, for one thing, Mrs. Dannreuther might not go for the idea.

She's not quite as sophisticated as you are.

>> Please, Billy, listen to me.

I've thought it all out.

We'll take the bus and catch an express for somewhere-- >> No, no, the shot's not on the table.

>> You're not in love the way I am.

>> If I loved you a thousand times more than you say you love me, it still wouldn't make any difference.

I've got to have money.

Doctor's orders are that I must have a lot of money.

Otherwise, I become dull, listless, and have trouble with my complexion.

>> But you're not like that now and you haven't any money.

>> It's my expectations that hold me together.

>> You really mean that, don't you, darling?

>> Billy: Sure, I mean it.

>> And your main reason for wanting lots of money is so that you'll be ever so attractive and I'll love you more and more?

>> That's right, baby.

>> I'll help you, Billy, I can, too.

I'm something of a witch.

My old Spanish nurse said I could be a professional.

>> Don't look now but they're raising the gangway.

(shouting foreign language) (shimmering instrumental music) (Peterson sighs) The sea air, ozone.

What a pity we can't bottle it, gentlemen.

What a fortune we'd make.

Neptune's Mixture.

Now, breathe deeply.

Remember, every breath is a guinea in the bag of health.

(light instrumental music) Good morning, Chelm.

Why, that's good, very good, indeed.

I didn't know you were an artist, Mrs. Dannreuther.

>> I'd hardly call myself that.

I only dabble.

>> The nose is not enough long.

>> Jack: The ears are too small.

>> O'Hara: Only has one eye.

>> Now, come along, gentlemen, we must not dawdle.

♪ Blow the man down, bully ♪ ♪ Blow the man down ♪ ♪ Blow, blow, blow the man down ♪ ♪ Blow the man down, bully ♪ ♪ Blow the man down ♪ Good morning, Mrs. Chelm!

Let's hope she breaks her neck.

♪ Blow the man down, bully ♪ ♪ Blow the man down ♪ ♪ Blow the man down, bully ♪ ♪ Blow the man down ♪ ♪ Blow, blow, blow the man down ♪ ♪ Blow the man down, bully ♪ ♪ Blow the man down ♪ ♪ Give me some time to blow the man down ♪ >> Mr. Peterson!

Mr. Peterson, a radiogram.

>> "No Chelm estate Gloucestershire, stop.

"No landed gentry Chelm."

What do you make of that?

>> He's not a Gloucestershire squire.

>> Like Billy said.

>> Just as I was beginning to take Billy at his face value.

>> Yes, but if he is not what Billy said, then what is he?

>> We are at sea again, gentlemen, in more ways than one.

>> Mystery, more mystery.

>> Billy is a liar, heaven only knows what Chelm is.

>> CID, maybe.

>> You borrowed my thought.

>> What to do, what to do?

>> The time has come for direct action.

You remember last night when we came onboard, the fuss he was making about his dispatch box.

(whistling) (tense instrumental music) >> I love colors.

Working with them is an endless puzzle.

Your face, for instance.

10 minutes ago, it was all brown and pink.

Now the light has changed, and it's chalky white.

>> What?

>> Tinged with green.

>> Green?

It must be getting rough.

>> Just a little.

Don't break the pose.

>> I don't feel very well.

I think I'll go below and take a pill.

>> It's incredible, Harry Chelm is just-- >> Just Harry Chelm.

>> Nothing, nobody, a ruddy refugee from Earls Court.

>> Ravello: With a hot water bottle, look.

>> And a letter of introduction to the secretary of the governor.

The secretary, mind you, disgusting.

(whistling) >> Purser, my box.

>> A bit up and down, isn't it, sir?

>> It's gone.

>> Oh, yes, indeed.

Major Ross took it.

I saw him sneak it out of your cabin.

I like to keep my eye on what goes onboard the ship.

>> Where did he take it?

>> I believe Mr. Peterson's cabin.

In fact, I'm sure.

>> Ah.

Now, may I ask what explanation you have to offer?

>> He forgot his hot water bottle.

(knocking) >> Billy.

>> Come in.

>> Billy, have you heard what's happened?

>> I haven't seen a paper in days.

>> Gwendolyn: It's not funny.

They've stolen Harry's dispatch box.

>> Who stole his dispatch box?

>> Gwendolyn: That dreadful little major.

He took it to Peterson.

They went through it.

>> It's all your fault, I suppose you know that.

>> Gwendolyn: My fault?

>> Well, the poppycock you've been peddling, all that junk about the Chelm interest in London, uranium on your land.

>> Well, in a way, you're the one to blame.

>> I'm the one?

>> I mean, you acted so superior.

I was falling in love with you, and I couldn't bear for you to think I was just a nobody, married to the son of a boardinghouse in Earls Court.

>> The son of a what?

>> A boardinghouse.

That's what Harry's parents do.

They run a boardinghouse for decayed gentlefolk.

>> But the way he talks, the way he acts, I thought-- >> It's just that he sees himself in a place in the west country with trout streams and horses, leading the life of a country squire.

It's not his fault if people take it for granted that he has a place like that.

He's never once said that he had.

>> Well, country gent, son of a boardinghouse, whatever he is, I suppose I'd better get his box back.

>> Oh, he's got it back himself.

>> Well, then there's no harm down.

>> Except that Harry's gone to the captain.

He's going to have them put in irons.

>> He is what?

>> He says that's what they did in the Royal Marines.

>> Look here, skipper, there's a perfectly simple explanation for all this.

I happen to own a dispatch box which is very similar to Mr. Chelm's.

When I didn't find it in my cabin, I asked Major Ross to see if it had been stowed away somewhere else by mistake.

The major found what he thought was my box in the saloon with some other luggage.

>> The box has been in my cabin ever since we sailed, under the berth.

>> As soon as I saw the box, of course, I realized at once it wasn't mine.

I simply opened it to find out to whom it belonged so that I could return it to its rightful owner.

I can't conceive why this gentleman should imagine I should be interested in a box containing patent medicines.

I'm not a hypochondriac.

(laughs) >> Purser, tell the captain exactly what you told me about the box.

>> Why, sir, you asked me whether I'd seen it, and I said it might be the one I'd seen being carried along the passage by Major Ross.

>> You distinctly told me that you'd seen it being taken from my cabin.

>> Oh, you must've misunderstood.

You were rather ill at the time, if you remember, sir.

>> That's all, purser.

>> He's been bribed, he's in league with these criminals.

>> Just a case of a misunderstanding.

That's how I look at it.

Now what about a little cognac to wash away any ill feeling?

>> I don't care for a drink, and let me assure you that this matter is far from settled.

While rifling through my personal effects, I feel certain that you must've noticed that I had a letter of introduction to the secretary of the governor.

I suspect he'll be much more interested in what I have to say than this gin-soaked so-called ship's captain.

>> You mind your tongue!

Any more insults, you're the one I put in irons!

As far as I'm concerned, this is a closed incident.

>> Chelm, you got your box back.

Why don't you forget the whole thing?

What possible interest do you expect the colonial office to take in it?

>> On the contrary, I expect them to show considerable interest in a gang of crooks who are trying to swindle the country out of vast uranium deposits.

(dramatic instrumental music) >> Just one moment, sir.

What leads you to believe-- >> This gentleman obviously hasn't seen fit to inform you that during your supposed demise, he attempted to lure me into your nefarious venture.

Unfortunately for you, he acquainted me with all the pertinent facts, facts which I intend to communicate to the proper authority at the very earliest opportunity.

>> I thought you were dead, that's what they told me!

Everyone told me you were dead, and, if you were dead, we had to have fresh capital, didn't we?

>> You, Ravello, my own partner, sneak up behind my back, and try to cheat me!

>> The milk's spilt, there's no good crying over it.

Get after him, Billy, calm him down, talk to him.

See if you can't get him to change his attitude.

>> I'll try but I don't think it'll do any good.

>> I don't know why we have to worry about Chelm's attitude.

Talk's no good, conversation never convinced anybody.

I say put an end to words!

>> Shut up, Jack.

Time factor has entered the picture again.

This time, fortunately, it's working on our side.

Two weeks before we reach port.

That should be plenty of time to convince our friend Chelm.

>> I beg you, please, end all this trouble.

If things go on, either you will be done away with before we ever get to Africa or you will leave and denounce Peterson to the authorities, and that will be the ruin of all my plans and hopes.

>> In the long run, you'll do much better to get clear of these people.

They're thoroughly undesirable.

>> The long run, I'm tired of the long run.

I am not even thinking about them, or about myself.

It's only you that concerns me, Harry.

>> No need to worry about me.

>> Ever since I met you, you fill my thinking.

You are becoming an obsession.

Don't you understand, Harry?

I am deeply in love.

>> Maria.

My dear.

>> Only you could make a woman feel like this.

All I want is to be in your arms, now and always.

>> You forget I'm going to be done away with.

>> Oh, no, no, it will be easy to arrange.

What you must do is this.

You will write me a letter, a love letter.

You will tell me that you cannot denounce Peterson because then I will suffer, too, because you love me so much, you cannot bear to hurt me.

Such a letter they will believe if I show it to them.

>> My dear girl, you must see that this is quite out of the question.

I don't propose to make compromises.

>> Not compromises, Harry darling, but you can see that if you cause trouble, the whole of our plan, my plans... You would not want to make the innocent suffer.

>> It'll be much better if you don't interfere, my love.

I must handle this as I see fit.

>> Then you intend to go ahead with this business, tell stories and ruin everything?

>> It will be much better if you cut loose from these people.

No happiness can come from such an association.

>> Harry, I'm asking you not to do this.

Please, write a letter.

Then there will be no trouble for you, no trouble for us, no risk when we get to Africa.

>> I'm sorry, my dear.

We English are a very pigheaded lot.

>> You think you can get away with this?

>> But, Maria, my dear good Maria, listen.

>> First you make love to me, now you tell me you will ruin me.

>> You'll forgive me, but it was you who made-- >> Oh, shut your trap!

Go on, do what you like!

You think you're such a brave man.

I'll tell you what you are, you are a heel.

>> What the blazes now.

(alarm rings) What's happening, what's going on here?

>> The oil pump's on the blink.

The electricity's failed.

>> Utter folly, a ship lying in darkness this way.

We might well be rammed at any minute.

I'll tend to this myself.

Which way to the engine room?

>> The passengers are not permitted-- >> I'm sure your chief engineer would welcome the advice of an ex-officer of the Royal Marines.

(alarm rings) (shouting in foreign language) >> Look here, you fool, are we simply abandoned to our fate?

I insist on something being done.

>> For instance?

>> Give out the life belts.

Organize the boat drill.

>> The clientele are requested to remain calm.

>> To remain calm?

Did the captain feel no sense of responsibility for the lives of his passengers?

>> It's my opinion that the captain doesn't feel much of anything at the moment.

>> Peterson: Do you mean to say he's drunk?

The fellow ought to be made to walk the plank.

>> I'm afraid just now he cannot walk at all.

>> Well, this is outrageous!

>> Oh, sit down, old man.

What have you got to worry about?

We're only adrift in an open sea with a drunken captain, and an engine that's liable to explode at any moment.

>> Perfectly ordinary situation.

Happens every day, but, just in case any of you are still at all anxious, let it be known that Mr. Chelm has taken charge in the engine room.

(Gwendolyn sighs) >> Who's taken charge?

>> Harry, and he'll foozle it for sure.

>> Shall I get out the hymn books?

>> Your husband claims to have learned all about the engine and such things when he was an officer in the Royal Marines.

>> If he ever was.

>> In point of fact, not only was he an officer, but he once won a medal for jumping into a sea of fire to rescue someone.

It was only a bit of wreckage and not a man, but that wasn't Harry's fault.

>> Just a slight error in judgment.

>> The lights, they come on.

>> He must've fixed it.

>> Impossible.

>> The engines are turning.

>> We are under way.

>> I still say it's impossible.

>> Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for a moment?

I'm happy to inform you that the oil pump is now in perfect working condition.

Putting it right was no great accomplishment for anyone with the slightest mechanical bent.

Anyhow, we may now proceed without further delay and in absolute safety.

(booming) (shattering) >> Oh, Harry, you did, you did, you foozled it.

>> Captain: The pig who wrecked the ship, where is he?

I'll tear out his gizzard!

>> Peterson: Mr. Chelm, forward, please.

The captain wants to see you.

>> There you are, you devil, you wreck my beautiful ship!

>> Nothing of the sort!

Some scallywag down there sabotaged my work out of pure malice!

>> You explode my engine, I'll break your bones!

>> Now keep your heads, boys.

Let's all behave like little gentlemen.

>> Stay out of this Dannreuther, I can handle the brute.

>> What happens now?

Do we get the life belts?

Do we abandon the ship?

>> There's no immediate danger.

The passengers will please to return to the saloon.

We're heading for the nearest port, and there seems to be some chance of our making it.

>> Great.

>> Let's go.

>> Come along.

Now who was last down?

>> Blast!

>> Billy-Boy, be a good fellow, and make a fourth for bridge.

The major has no head for cards.

A few rubbers will soothe all our nerves.

>> No, thank you, I'll soothe mine with a double scotch.

In fact, I think I'll make it a triple.

No ice, no water.

>> Right, sir.

>> How about you, Mrs. Dannreuther, a little bridge?

>> Oh, so sorry, I have the most fearful headache.

I think I go to my cabin.

>> Peterson: Oh, what a shame.

Well, boys, we'll have to make it cutthroat.

>> Billy: What about Harry here?

Maybe he'll take a hand.

>> That, under the circumstances, is a most unsuitable suggestion.

Gwendolyn, I must ask you to either move to another table or else leave the saloon.

>> Oh, Harry, for heaven sake.

>> I don't care for my wife to associate with an associate of criminals.

>> Don't be absurd, Billy's not a criminal.

He's the best friend we have on this boat.

>> Harry: We're not in need of such friends.

>> You need any friends you can get.

The only thing standing between you and a watery grave is your wits, and that's not my idea of adequate protection.

>> Purser, how much longer before this ship reaches port?

>> If we ever do get to port, it should be within 14 or 15 hours.

>> That's a long time.

Sit down, make yourself comfortable, have a drink.

Enjoy the major's piano recital.

Come on, Peterson, buy us a drink.

>> Harry: I'm afraid I can't accept hospitality from persons who I intend in a few hours time to denounce in a place of justice.

>> Two spades.

>> I admire your (speaking foreign language), Mr. Peterson, or perhaps you don't think I'm serious.

We shall see.

>> Three clubs.

>> Gwendolyn, are you going to do as I say?

>> Not when you speak to me in that tone.

Not when you try to order me about.

>> In that case.

>> Gwendolyn: Where are you going?

>> On deck, where the air is less polluted.

(rollicking piano music) >> Purser, four tonics.

>> I think you'd better go after Harry.

>> Why should I if he's going to be so childish and unreasonable?

>> Take my advice, go to him, stay with him.

>> I suppose you think we should keep up appearances, the loyal wife at her husband's side.

No, Billy, I'm experiencing something that is rare and beautiful, and I shall not deny it, either by word or by deed.

I love you, let the whole world know it, I love you, I love you.

>> Well, keeping up appearances isn't exactly what I meant.

>> Then why do you want to send me tagging after Harry?

He's being such a deadly bore tonight.

>> Deadly, but not dead, not yet.

>> What do you mean?

>> They killed one man just because they thought he might try to get in their way.

Now, Handsome Harry here has threatened to blow the whole thing wide open.

>> They killed a man, really?

Who?

>> Just a man.

>> Well, for all Harry's being too, too tiresome, and my loving you to distraction, I still wouldn't want to see him down in.

I mean, he has some perfectly darling traits, really.

I mean, like always remembering one's birthday.

No, we simply mustn't let anybody murder Harry.

>> Then keep him in your cabin.

Never let him out of your sight.

Keep him under lock and key.

(rollicking instrumental music) >> Oh, Billy, that awful music, it's so loud!

It comes right into our cabin.

>> Peterson, tell the major to soft pedal it, and, while he's about it, he might change the tune.

>> Oh, don't you like it?

It's one of my favorites.

I'm afraid he doesn't know any others, do you, Jack?

(thudding) (Harry groans) (Harry thuds) (rollicking instrumental music) >> Billy: Major.

(rollicking instrumental music) (Harry groans) (Gwendolyn screams) >> Do I hear a lady screaming?

>> One down.

(Gwendolyn screams) >> Purser: Captain, Captain!

(rollicking piano music) >> What happened?

Oh, Billy, all that screaming!

I thought someone had been killed.

>> Billy: Someone nearly was.

>> Indeed they were, look at the major.

>> Billy: Better get a new act because the curtain's going down on this one.

>> Every time I turn my back, someone makes trouble.

They mustn't just break the engine, they beat each other with fists, they throw each other overboard!

>> That man attacked me.

>> Hey, you, you again!

>> If I struck him, it was in self-defense!

He came sneaking up behind me and tried to run me through with his sword.

>> Is that true?

>> Well-- >> It's no use, Billy.

I'm not trying to protect Harry any further.

I may as well tell the whole truth.

Captain, it grieves me to confess this, but, in point of fact, my husband has an illness of the mind.

The medical word for it is paranoia.

On occasion, he displays homicidal tendencies.

The psychiatrists say it's because he believes people are plotting against him, and so he strikes back and tries to kill them.

>> Gwendolyn!

For heaven's sake, woman, what's the meaning of this treachery?

>> Believe it or not, Harry, I'm doing it for your own good.

>> He knows, he saved my life.

He'll tell the truth.

>> I wouldn't contradict the lady.

>> You wreck my ship!

You try to kill the passengers!

>> But I'm the only sane person on this ship!

That's why you're all against me!

Let me go, I'll kill the lot of you!

I warn you, Captain!

>> Poor Harry, it's awfully sad.

We tried everything to cure him.

>> Harry: How dare you lay your hands on me, you hooligans!

I'll have you put in irons!

You'll be the ones in irons!

>> Good, good, we'll have no trouble from you.

>> Scum, mongrels, I'll bring you to book, every one of you, ever man jack of you!

>> After all, it was the only solution.

Harry's safely locked in his cabin where those beastly men can't do him any harm.

On the other hand, he can't say or do anything now to interfere with your making that fortune in Africa.

I mean, the authorities would hardly listen to the ravings of a lunatic, would they?

>> They won't even let him off the boat.

>> Well, in that case, he'll just have to stay shut up for a few weeks.

>> It's a bit hard on the old boy, don't you think?

>> Yes, but, after you've amassed all those African millions, we'll make it up to him.

We'll buy him a country place in Gloucestershire with some rough shooting and a trout stream, like he's always wanted.

Maria will marry him, perhaps.

She seems to have a very real feeling for English country life.

>> And everybody lives happily ever after.

>> Especially us, Billy.

(thundering boom) >> Boat stations, everyone.

Prepare to abandon ship.

>> Billy: What's going on?

>> I believe, sir, that we're sinking.

>> Purser: Boat station, everybody.

Board the lifeboats, we're sinking.

>> Gwendolyn: Harry, Harry, open the door!

You must, the ship's sinking!

>> Billy: Here, get back.

(purser shouting) (alarm ringing) (dramatic instrumental music) (captain shouting in foreign language) >> We simply can't leave without finding out what's happened to Harry.

>> Maybe we'll run across him out there.

He's a strong swimmer, isn't he?

>> Gwendolyn: Do you really think-- >> I don't say we will, but it's possible.

Anything's possible.

(captain shouting in foreign language) >> Harry!

Harry!

(solemn instrumental music) >> Where do you suppose we are?

>> Africa.

>> What part of Africa?

>> Yes, that's important, what part?

>> Not a bad place to land.

No customs, no forms to fill out.

>> Tell us at once where we are.

It's important I know.

>> You mean to say there are parts of the dark continent where you won't be received like the prodigal son?

>> Arlio.

>> What's that?

>> Arlio.

(gun bangs) (men shouting) >> Better get down, everybody.

(shouting in foreign language) >> Get rid of your passports, boys.

Mrs. Chelm, Billy-Boy, my identity must remain a secret!

(dramatic instrumental music) (shouting in foreign language) >> Arlio, what's that?

>> It was a company that sold arms to the Arab legions.

>> Wait a minute, that rings a bell.

>> Some of the equipment we sold to them was defective.

Been too long under the water in the Gulf of Leyte.

>> The Arabs claim they lost the war because of rusty guns and dud ammunition.

>> For heaven's sake, be quiet.

If you go on like that, I'll be-- >> I'll see you drawn and quartered.

(shouting in foreign language) >> Are you going to allow them to bully you in this way?

Why, it's simply-- >> Shocking.

>> Harry wouldn't have let them do it.

He had a sense of dignity.

>> I have a sense of survival.

>> Billy, what is going to happen?

Do you think they will torture us?

>> Just let them try.

I'm a British subject!

>> I wouldn't say it too loud.

(sinuous instrumental music) >> We shipwreck.

Big boat go down, bottom ocean.

We take little boat.

Row all day.

Row all night, savvy?

>> There's only one way to deal with these swine, walk up to them and kick them in the belly, show them who's boss right away.

>> We sight land, your land.

Praise Allah.

Come ashore, suddenly, boom, boom, boom.

No good way treat shipwrecked people.

>> You will please to hand over your passports.

(sinuous instrumental music) There seem to be four missing.

Will those who have not handed over their passports hold up their hands?

>> All left onboard ship, Your Excellency.

A terrifying experience.

An incompetent crew, a burning ship, put overboard in a small boat in dead of night.

>> [Customs Official] What was the name of the vessel?

>> The S.S. Nyanga, she's a Portuguese ship.

>> I will investigate whether such a ship has been reported lost at sea.

>> Well does it stand to reason, Your Excellency, we should come to this shore in a small boat if we'd not been shipwrecked?

>> [Customs Official] Our country is in a state of unrest.

>> Oh, I am sorry.

>> Agents of certain foreign governments sometimes try to enter it by stealth, hoping to fan the flames of revolution.

Therefore, we check carefully on the activities of strangers.

>> Surely, Your Excellency, in our case, one look is sufficient to convince you of our innocence.

(light instrumental music) >> No, one look is not enough.

>> If you think we're the enemies of your country, the logical thing is to boot us out, send us packing by the first available boat or train.

We shan't object, we've got important business elsewhere.

>> Where is elsewhere?

>> Central Africa.

>> And what sort of business?

>> Vacuum cleaners, sewing machines.

>> Ah, yes, businessmen, all going to Central Africa to sell vacuum cleaners.

Hut to hut, I suppose.

And you, sir, I take it, are the head salesman, the ringleader of this group.

>> Oh, no, no group, we met for the first time onboard ship.

Complete strangers to one another.

>> Liar!

The others all look at you each time I ask a question.

I am a keen observer.

You four are together.

Oh, no, my fat-gutted friend, I'm not the illiterate, simple-minded native you are fool enough to take me for.

I am a great man, a serious man.

I spit on you.

I spit on you and all your lies.

>> Off to the wrong start, Peterson.

There's only one way to deal with these swine!

Swine, swine, swine, swine!

>> You'd better be careful!

My husband, my late husband who was drowned in the Nyanga disaster, happened to be one of the most important figures in the British government.

Sir Harry Chelm.

In point of fact, we had letters from the Prime Minister and the Queen, telling everybody to be particularly courteous to us and our friends.

So, you see, if any harm befalls us at your hands, it will become a major international incident.

>> Would you instruct that one that, in my country, a female's lips may move, but her words are not heard.

>> Oh, Harry, Harry, if only you were here.

>> And now, sir, you will stop abusing my intelligence and tell me who you really are and what is your actual purpose in being here.

>> I'm a sick man, I've got a bad heart, I mustn't talk anymore.

>> You refuse to answer?

Well, that is interesting.

It makes of it a contest, a contest in a game at which we excel.

We of this country have had 4,000 years' experience in asking questions and getting answers.

(gasping) Who are you?

Why are you here?

>> Don't hit me again, my heart, I'll have an attack!

(exciting instrumental music) (shouting in foreign language) (exciting instrumental music) (chanting in foreign language) >> Billy's led a thoroughly decadent life, but, I must say, I thought he had more backbone than that.

Backbone, either you have it or you haven't.

Did you see the beating I took at the hands of that great ugly brute without even flinching?

Billy was crazed with fear before they'd even laid a finger on him.

>> Tell me more about Rita Hayworth.

You really know her very well?

>> Do I know Rita?

(chuckles) Do I know her.

I'll give you a letter of introduction.

She'll fall immediate victim to your charms.

>> You really think so?

>> Oh, but certainly, a man like you, suave, intelligent, darkly handsome.

You have everything, Ahmed, except money, and, if you'll listen to me, a boat will be placed at our disposal, a very slow boat so that Fat-gut's check will have plenty of time to clear.

>> You will trust me for your share?

>> Does one man of the world ask another to trust his own brother?

Oh, no, Ahmed, you'll give me a check for half.

>> Your demands are very great under the circumstances.

>> Why shouldn't they be?

Fat-gut's my best friend.

I will not betray him cheaply.

>> You are certain that you are the friend of the peerless Rita?

>> Come, come, Ahmed, mind back to business.

>> Very well, 50-50.

>> Oh, by the way, Fat-gut's nature isn't noble like ours.

He might try to bargain.

>> I do not bargain with a puffball like that.

It's beneath my dignity.

>> It'll be dawn soon, the correct hour for a firing squad.

>> But if we have him shot, what about the money?

>> Well, I was just thinking that if he heard a volley at a psychological moment, he might not be so inclined to haggle.

>> I believe you must have Arab blood.

Westerners are not usually so subtle.

(speaking foreign language) >> Where are you taking me?

I won't go, I demand to see a doctor!

>> Would you say that in Paris, among smart people, the Rolls-Royce or the Cadillac is considered more chic?

>> Well, that's no problem, no problem at all.

A man in your position should have both.

>> Ah.

Mr. Dannreuther, I believe, would like a word with you.

>> Billy.

>> Sit down, Peterson.

I've been talking to Ahmed here, and (Billy whispers).

>> It's blackmail.

I can't pay.

(shouting in foreign language) (guns bang) What was that?

>> Firing squad.

It's execution day.

>> Will he take a check?

(light instrumental music) (shouting in foreign language) >> Billy.

(shouting in foreign language) Billy, look, the Nyanga.

(shouting in foreign language) >> Stay away, stay away form my ship.

If you try to come aboard, I will shoot you!

I will shoot you!

Get my gun, get my gun!

>> Give it to him, maybe he'll shoot himself!

>> My gun, my gun!

(lively instrumental music) >> Excuse me, are you Mr. William Dannreuther?

>> That's right.

>> I'd like to ask you a few questions, if I may.

>> I'm sorry, not now.

>> Forgive me but it's rather important.

>> Yes, it always is.

I was a newspaper man myself once.

Very well, you may quote me as saying that everybody was heroic except Mrs. Dannreuther, who ate all our boots.

>> Very amusing, but I'm not a reporter.

>> Billy: Oh?

>> Jack, go to the phone, make reservations.

The first plane to Nairobi, six seats.

>> Yes, and if they don't have any, talk to the right man and tell him if he kicks other people off the plane, we'll make it worth his while.

>> I always said we ought to take a plane.

You remember I said that, Mr. O'Horror?

I said we ought to take a plane.

>> Mustn't dawdle, Billy-Boy.

Great deal to do and not much time.

>> Those the other members of your party?

>> Yes.

>> I'd like to talk to them, too.

>> What's it all about?

>> I believe you were acquainted with a Mr. Vanmeer, now deceased.

>> Peterson, you and the boys better come back down.

The gentleman here wants to speak to you.

A Mr. Jack Clayton of Scotland Yard.

>> Waiter: You take your wine here or upstairs, Mr. Dann?

>> Oh, we'll have it here?

Care to join us in a drink, Clayton?

>> No, thanks, it's a bit early in the day for me.

>> I read somewhere that a Scotland Yard man never accepts a drink from anyone he intends to arrest.

Is that true, Mr. Clayton?

>> Quite so.

Mrs. Dannreuther?

>> No, I'm Mrs. Chelm.

This is Mrs. Dannreuther.

>> Well, how do you do?

Well, I wouldn't dream of alarming you lovely ladies, so perhaps I'll have a glass of bubbly, after all.

>> Peterson, how do you do, sir?

>> How do you do?

>> Ravello, and Mr. O'Horror.

>> O'Hara, Julius O'Hara, delighted.

>> I'm the one to be delighted.

It had begun to look as though I'd never catch up with you people.

That would've been a bit embarrassing.

You see, this is the first time I've ever been abroad on an investigation.

I've spent quite a lot of money, and my chief can be very sarcastic about the money one spends, particularly if you fail to deliver the goods.

>> Mr. Clayton is presently interested in the Vanmeer murder case.

>> The Vanmeer murder case?

Oh, yes, yes, that fellow in the Colonial Office.

Yes, I read about that in the paper.

It was a shocking affair.

>> According to Mr. Vanmeer's appointment book, Mr. Peterson, you had lunch with him at the Savoy a few days before his death.

>> That's quite correct.

Mr. Vanmeer was expert on African matters.

We wanted his advice about affairs in British East.

>> Do you recall the subject under discussion?

>> Vaguely, crop yield, the native labor situation.

>> The inches of rain.

>> Vaccination shots.

>> How long had you known Mr. Vanmeer?

>> Oh, a couple of months.

We met half a dozen times.

>> Did he ever make mention of any enemies, business or otherwise?

Did he say anything about romantic attachments?

I mean, did he name any women.

>> No, I should have been very surprised if he had done.

Mr. Vanmeer struck me as being every inch a gentleman.

>> Of course, of course.

Well, that's all, unless somebody has anything further to add.

>> I have.

I think you ought to know that the business of one of these businessmen is murder.

>> I beg your pardon?

>> Major Ross, I mean.

I can't guarantee Major Ross murdered this Vanmeer person.

I assure you, however, he attempted to murder my husband with a long, thin dagger, which he always carried about in what looked like an innocent swagger stick.

>> Go on, Mrs. Chelm.

>> You see, Major Ross is employed by Mr. Peterson there to do his dirty work.

One might say he's a professional killer.

My husband found out certain things about Mr. Peterson, things, in point of fact, that are a matter of Empire, involving, as they do, a plot to exploit our Kingdom's uranium resources, and that's why Mr. Peterson decided to have him done away with.

Don't run away, Mr. Peterson.

That's always tantamount to a confession of guilt.

Tantamount is what I call it.

>> More champagne, Clayton?

>> No, thank you.

(brassy instrumental music) >> Billy: As I said before, very smart fellows, indeed.

(brassy instrumental music) >> Should you ever think of me in Earls Court, that's where I'll be, helping Harry's parents with the lodgers.

Should you ever think of me, try not to let it be too harshly.

>> You kiss her, too, Billy, and tell her she's forgiven.

>> Billy: Sure, sure.

>> Goodbye, Billy.

>> Bye.

(Gwendolyn weeps) >> For Mrs. Chelm, just came on the ship's wire.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Dannreuther, do you know that your associates are all in the hoosegow?

Oh, not that I'm a bit surprised.

I put them down as thoroughly bad characters right off the bat, but, then, there are so many bad characters nowadays.

Take mine, for instance.

>> Harry, he's alive!

(brassy instrumental music) (Maria moans) (brassy instrumental music) (Billy laughs) >> Billy: Oh, this is the end.

(brassy instrumental music) The end.