(orchestral music begins) (glass breaks) - You all right?

You still haven't given me your.

- No.

- Mary, it's the same for me.

- Honestly?

- I was just as nervous as you .

In that bathroom I was a teenag.

These things happen.

I didn't plan it.

Any more than you did.

Don't spoil it.

(Mary crying) - Please, come on.

It's all right It's all right.

It's all right.

- [Tinker] It's gone in, so it's got to come out.

- What make is that?

- Boeing?

- Keep at it Lads.

- Lovejoy, let's go shopping.

(camera shutter clicks) (orchestral music playing) - Ah.

I suppose you want to know what Lovejoy's doing swanning around the country in a limo and swilling champagn, what is it?

11:20 on a Thursday morning.

(Lovejoy tsks) Well, I'll tell you.

Greg Veitch of Sydney.

That's Sydney, Australia.

Where the soaps come from and the ashes go to.

He's up from Oz to buy a few an.

Don't knock it.

10% of whatever he buys.

And there's so many dirty, unscrupulous types about.

You know what I mean.

Part of my brief is to make sure he does not get done over or if he does get done over it's me, that does it.

- Lovejoy.

- Greg.

Excuse me.

- Look at the patina on that.

Centuries of use, regular polis.

- You like it?

- Like it, I love it.

It's beau.

Talk me through it, Lovejoy.

- You're testing me again.

- No.

Well, I'm here to learn as well as lighten my wallet.

- Silver.

- Hmm.

- George the First.

Approximately, uh, approximately 28 ounces.

- 28 and a half.

- I've failed again.

(Greg laughs) - So, do we haggle?

- There's no hurry.

- It's a bargain.

- Sure, it's a bargain.

Tell you why.

(Lovejoy whispers) Not the real.

- You're kidding.

What, in here?

- It happens.

- Yeah, but it's got a hallmark.

Look.

- Yeah, sure it has.

But look at the space between the hallmark and the base.

The hallmark's been cut from a genuine piece and then put in here.

- You sure?

- The hallmark genuine.

Coffeepot, isn't.

- Lovejoy, you're an ace.

We're in great trim.

Well, I'm still looking for a E. - Eureka?

What's that?

- Ah, the biggie.

The great white.

I won't know it till I see it, but we got to give it a burl.

I can't go home without my Eure.

- That's what I'm here for, Gre.

(muffled voice speaks on CB rad) - [Shand] Is your husband at home Mrs. Russell?

- No, he's in court.

Identification.

May I see some?

- Do you , uh, recognize him?

- No.

- His name is Blaine.

Jerry Bla.

You sure?

- Yes.

I'm quite sure.

- You, you had lunch with Blaine last Tuesday.

- That's not true.

No.

Were you following me?

- [Shand] No.

Ma'am we were fol.

- Why?

- [Cliff] He has form.

- He's got prison record.

- Recently released from Wormwo.

- I don't believe it.

- No, it's true.

We thought he had a meet fixed with another villain.

- I don't know what to say.

- [Cliff] Blaine was killed, la.

He was shot with a small calibe.

It's what's known as a virginity protector.

It's a lady's gun.

- I see.

- A known villain with form, still on parole and a judge's wife.

- I don't understand.

Are you accusing me?

- But do you have an alibi for ?

Say late afternoon, early evening four till nine o'clock.

- Yes.

I think I was here.

Yes, I was.

- Alone?

- Yes.

- [Shand] Can you prove that?

- I don't know.

(phone rings) Yes, yes, I think I could.

(phone rings) Excuse me.

6 0 9 5 0.

Yes, he is.

It's for you.

- Shand.

Yes, guv.

Yeah.

With her now.

No, not yet, no.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Will do.

It's the super, he wants a resu.

- Look inspector.

If this story gets.

- Yeah, but it's not a story though, is it?

- It will ruin my marriage and damage my husband's career.

Well, he's already had one hear.

This could kill him.

- Well, what you suggesting, Mr?

- I'm not suggesting anything.

I'm, I'm begging you not to take it any further.

- See the problem is, you lied, didn't you?

You said you didn't know Blaine.

- I was frightened.

- Cliff.

- Well, you're the governor.

- You didn't know Blaine was a .

- I knew nothing about the man .

- I believe you.

Now at this stage, it may be co.

Your name could be left out the frame, for a price.

Cliff.

- Not my decision.

- He plays by the rules, does o.

See the trouble is, is he's gone higher than us.

There's others involved.

- How many others?

- Well, there's the super, the Blaine family brief.

- Police lab that process the p. - Us.

- I haven't any money.

- Mrs. Russell, please.

- This is my husband's house.

He handles the financial affair.

I've got a few shares, a PEP and a small amount in a buildin.

That's all.

- Well you'll have to sell up a few baubles.

- [Cliff] It shouldn't be too d. - If you move quickly.

- Very quickly, - We may be able to persuade th.

(machinery whirring) - [Greg] Did Jameson make all o?

- [Lovejoy] Yeah.

- [Greg] All of them?

- [Lovejoy] What do you reckon?

- Oh, they're fun, aren't they?

- I think so.

One London dealer bought a lot .

- Uh-huh.

- [Lovejoy] Jamie.

- Hey, Lovejoy.

- Greg Veitch.

- G'day.

How are you?

- Fine.

- How are my lamp brackets?

- Ready by the end of the week.

- Bit meat potatoes, isn't it?

Lamp brackets?

- Nine to 12, work.

Two to six,.

- I'll show Greg around, okay?

- Aye, carry on.

Did you hear about the Giacomet?

- 20 million quid worth.

- What happened?

- Somebody nicked old Alberto's.

Copies have been popping up all over the place.

- Oh, naughty.

No chance of us getting hold of?

(orchestral music playing) - No, no, you really should see.

It's on the beach.

Three stories.

View of the ocean from every ro.

10,000 squares.

Six bedrooms.

Five state of the art baths.

- Oh.

A lot of room for two.

- Oh, we've got Viv's oldies with us at the moment.

- Vivian's your wife?

- Yeah, she's my third.

I always marry little women.

Takes fewer furs for the coat.

- And was yours a family busine?

- Lady Jane, my old man was so b when he died they made him into a stock cube.

He couldn't pour piss out of a t with instructions on the heel.

Oh, sorry.

I'm being a bit crude there.

(Greg laughs) (People clapping) - What's this, Guy Fawkes?

- Someone's birthday.

Oh, it's Mary Russell.

- Anybody you don't know?

- Excuse me.

I must just go and say many hap.

- [Greg] That's a class act.

Where do you fit in Lovejoy?

- Family friends.

- You never thought of giving O?

- No.

- You sure?

It's changing.

It's changing fast.

But 10 years ago they used to j, what's the difference between Australia and yogurt?

Yogurt has a culture.

And how can you tell that Jesus wasn't Aussie They searched, they couldn't find three wisemen or a virgin.

Ah, they don't do those jokes a.

Just as well.

- Wasn't a birthday.

It's their anniversary.

- Lady Jane.

It's time for you to sing for y.

- Oh, dear.

Well, singing never was my stro.

- Jane, Lovejoy and Associates have worked wonders, but I still need two or three special pieces.

I mean, I've got the crown.

I've got the pearls.

I've got the sundries, but I've not got the coal and ore. Are you with me?

- Hmm.

Not easy.

- Oh, if I go home without it, Viv will throw it tantie.

- Oh, thank you, Andrea.

- [Andrea] Welcome.

What about Fairford Hall?

Sir M. - Ah.

- Who's he?

- Impoverished aristocracy.

He's just been clobbered with death duties.

- Well, if I have another one, you're going to have to stay ovr because I won't trust myself to drive you home.

- In which case, don't have ano.

- Yeah, I knew you were gonna s. Well, if you won't do the indec.

Did I tell you, by the way, about this old edition of the Karma Sutra I've been reading?

- You mentioned it.

- And this chapter on the Hastini or elephant woman.

- Lovedjoy, I don't want to hea.

- And this position known as the "twining of the creeper".

- Lovejoy.

- Don't knock it till you've heard about it, Jane.

- Stop it.

- And it's to do with honey.

- What?

- And black pepper.

- No, Lovejoy.

- Black pepper.

- Something wrong?

- [Lovejoy] I don't know.

- [Lady Jane] What is it?

- Silver spoon.

Probably the one Alex was born with.

- How did that get in there?

- I have no idea.

It's a Carolean, sealed top.

Initialed with a W, no, no beg your pardon.

That's an M. I've never seen you before in m. Certainly wasn't in my jacket before we went to Andreas.

- And it certainly doesn't come from any restaurant.

- Somebody has put it in the wr.

- Lovejoy.

- Yeah?

- What exactly do they do with black pepper?

- Janey, Janey, Janey.

- Number five was the judge and Mrs. Russell.

Remember the cake?

- Every calorie and Andrea.

You got a number for him?

- No, but everyone knows him.

He's the Honorable Judge Raymonl or something like that.

- Right.

Two to go.

- One couple, table three.

I never saw them before they we.

- Plastic?

- Cash.

- Quaint.

- Two fifties.

I remember.

- Yes.

So would I.

Right.

That's one to go.

- One businessman, table one.

Mr. Simpson in the corner.

He's in your line of business, .

- Really?

(Andrea speaks Italian) - You got a number for him?

- Yeah.

Bishop Stortford 6 5 8 4 6 3.

And he's booked for lunch.

- Thank you, Andrea.

- Hell of a lot of fuss about t. - I don't like it when people give me things.

(Eric answering phone) - Hello, Lovejoy and Associates.

Can I help you?

- [Lady Jane] Hello, Eric?

- [Eric] Oh, hello Lady Jane.

- [Lady Jane] Hello.

Tell Lovejoy I'm on my way to s, Sir Max Spence.

And I'll ask if today's a good day for him.

- What about this afternoon?

- Oh.

That would be suitable.

- Yeah.

I'm free.

- Silly sod.

I put it in the wr.

- Careless.

- Very.

- Why didn't you mention it to ?

- I wasn't sure where it happen.

I just knew I was a spoon short.

- What does the P on the spoon ?

- My wife, Pat, Patricia.

- Ah.

- What's wrong?

- P's an M. - Ah.

- [Tinker] Don't let him see what you're looking at.

Move down the window a bit, Eri.

- It's George the Third.

- That's right.

Peter and Anne Bateman.

1790s.

Isn't it a beauty?

- 20 odd ounces, I'd say.

- Anybody would be thrilled to own something like that.

- It's not my Eureka.

- No, it's not, but it's worth .

- Yeah, but don't go straight t. We look at something else first.

- What's its price, Eric?

- A B E O - That's a big help.

- 800.

- Start at five.

- You'll be lucky.

- Make it six and they might take you seriously.

- Eric.

People always take me seriously.

- Yeah, of course they do Greg.

Of course they do.

- [Mary] I put it there.

- [Lovejoy] Why?

- Because I needed to know if I could trust you.

- Just ask Jane.

- I didn't know how well you kn.

- This could be an expensive way of checking people out.

- I was desperate.

Am desperate.

- You need help.

- I need to sell some spoons and replace them with lookalike.

Good enough to fool most people.

Please, sit down.

- Including the judge, for exam?

- And at a fraction of the cost.

- How long have you got?

- 24 hours.

- Not me you need Mrs. Russell.

It's the magic circle.

All of t. - Not a chance.

- Well, there are other things.

With respect, there's the Van Der Elst in the hall.

- No, the spoons are mine.

The other things aren't.

- How much cash do you need?

- Several thousand.

- And you really can't talk to your husband about any of this?

You can't talk to me about it?

Will you talk to Jane?

- Thank you, James.

We won't be needing you again t. - Thanks, boss.

- Thanks Greg.

Nice doing business with you.

(singing) - Aha.

Who is he?

- What?

- The other man?

- How did you know?

- Oh, Janey, please.

- Lovejoy, she and Ray are devo.

They've been married for 17 yea.

They've got all this together.

- Janey, get to the point.

- An indiscretion.

- Well of course, go on.

- With a crook.

Prison record.

And now, he's been killed.

- Is she a suspect?

- Two policemen from the Met have offered to help.

- How?

- By omitting her name from inqs for a large consideration.

- Janey, this stinks.

I don't believe a word of this.

- Lovejoy, Alex and I have known them for years.

Mary, she's such a sweet woman.

- I'm sure she is.

But just because a friend of yos committed an indiscretion.

- Yes?

- It's nothing to do with me.

- Well, I said we'd help.

- We?

- You.

- Thank you, Jane.

- It's a vase.

Rare?

Yeah, it's as rare as rocking horse droppings.

Argy-Rousseau.

Cost me 11,000.

That's 22 Australian.

It's a beaut.

No, I just want to know if I need an export license.

Were you going to put them on a?

Hang on just a minute.

Can you go a bit further down, ?

Well, I'll keep it in the safe, and you talk to the airline about shipping.

- You got trouble right here iny with the capital T and that rhyP and that stands for police.

- I'm too young to go to prison.

- And I'm too old.

- Tinker, where's your sense of?

- I left it behind the NAAFI in.

- Lady Jane will be very upset .

- Is she in on it?

- Oh, her and Mary Russell are .

- Well, you never said.

- Didn't think I had to.

Anyway, Jane and I told Mary to stall them.

Tell them she needed more time.

They were going to call today, .

We were going to set up a meet and then we were going to be th.

- We?

- We.

- To do what?

- Surveillance.

Eric is our security expert, after all Tink.

- Yeah but, he didn't finish the course, Lovejoy.

- Nearly.

You want to bug the meeting, right?

- Oh my God.

- Well, it's easy peasy.

Because I can get one of these electronic briefcases.

Right?

You open it up.

There's a microphone inside.

- Get one.

- Wilco.

- And after the meet, we tail t. - Oh my God.

- I'm on the Harley, right?

- I'm in Miriam.

Tink, that butchers van.

- Oh my God.

- Melgraves.

You remember?

- That's the one.

See if you ca.

- Must I, Lovejoy?

- [Lovejoy] Well, why not?

- Smell of animal blood makes m. - Oh my God.

(orchestral music begins) - This was designed by Archibal.

- Celtic tracery is beautiful.

- Yeah.

Do you see many like it?

- Oh, it's really rare.

- Uh, Sir Max, what did we decide about the Pugin?

- [Sir Max] 25,000.

- 20 wasn't it?

- No, 25.

- 20.

(Sir Max sighs) - Enameled cabochon.

- What do you think Greg?

- Oh, I like.

- Three.

- I'd have thought two.

- Three.

- Uh Greg, a word.

- I make the deals, you sign th.

- If you say so.

- That's the way it works.

Two grand, top whack.

- No, I'm not so sure.

- [Lovejoy] All right, then.

- Don't be too hasty.

I can live with two.

- Oh, Greg.

Burne-Jones.

- What is it young fellow?

- You can ask Sir Max.

- Do you have a toilet I could ?

- Straight out and first turn l. - What do you think, Greg?

- Ah, it's terrific.

That will look great over Viv's.

Eureka.

You beaut.

- No point hanging your noses over that, boys.

Not for sale.

- What is it?

- Tell him, Lovejoy.

- It's a Benin bronze.

The only other place you'll see one of these is the Berggruen collection.

- It's a head for a king's alta.

Oba, they call them.

You know, Benin city was sacked by the Brits in 1897.

Well, they still make them, but not like this.

- [Greg] Where's Benin?

- Bendel State in Nigeria.

- Must be worth a power of mone.

- Oh, it's worth a million.

- Oh, why wouldn't you sell it ?

- Well, I would tomorrow, but the dDpartment of Trade vetoed an export license.

I can't apply again for seven y.

The Waverly Criteria.

- What's that?

- Well, red tape.

Can't flog things of national and cultural interest.

Blah, blah.

Well, knowing that, domestic buyers think they have me over a barrel.

Sod 'em.

- It's stunning.

- [Sir Max] That it is indeed.

Well, come on Lulu.

"Do not go gentle into that goo.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

- Lovejoy.

- Hmm?

- Eureka.

- Greg, you heard him.

- Lovejoy.

I want it.

(phone rings) - 6 0 5 9 0.

Yes inspector.

Um, not here.

I have the decorators in.

The Green Man.

No, but I'll find it.

Two o'clock.

Yes.

Yes, I'll see you there.

Goodbye.

- Well done.

- I feel sick.

- Leave it to Lovejoy.

He'll sort it out.

- And it's terrible, terrible, .

(phone ringing) - Veitch.

Sir Max.

I was just thinking about you.

- Cymbidium Rievaulx Hamsey.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

It's not a rare orchid, as orch, but it's a terrible blighter to.

- The Benin bronze.

You wanted to talk about it.

- Oh, very direct Anzacs, alway.

I've been thinking, and chewing it over.

Metal.

I'd rather buy plastics.

There might, just might, be a way around our problem.

- Our problem?

I approve.

- Won't even bring Lovejoy into.

Need we?

- I see no reason.

- I mean, you know what they sa?

A commission saved is a... - Is a commission saved.

Split two ways, your way, my wa.

- The trouble is, is it involves a slight, how shall I put it?

Slight bending of the law.

- Well.

What are laws for Sir Max, if not to be bent?

- Yeah.

(accordions playing) - Friesians, Hereford.

- Oh!

- [Sir Max] The same principle as the Trojan horse.

- I don't understand.

- Well, hide it inside somethin.

- Oh, I see, right, right.

So, it's legal?

- Oh, well not entirely.

No, the damned Department of Trade, you know, they won't grant me an export l. Dreary farts.

Can't appeal again until '99.

I shall be dead by then.

- It is yours, right?

- Of course it's mine.

That has been in the Spence family since the 1890s.

- The question is, can you do i?

- Oh, aye, I could.

Just not sure that I should.

- How much?

- For all three?

- Yeah, the lot.

- Two grand?

- Four.

I'll give you four.

That help make your mind up?

(accordions playing) - You got a good look at Shand and the car, right, Tink?

Tink?

- I'm not a baby.

- Oh, you look terrible.

- I'm not well.

- Hey.

Sit down.

Would you like something to dri?

- No.

No thank you.

- So where is it?

- I haven't got it.

- What?

- I need more time.

- I told you.

- You didn't give me long enoug.

Please.

- [Shand] Well, if you haven't got the money, then our report has to go in with the photos.

- Inspector, please.

Just another 24 hours.

- No.

- Listen, I'm selling some silv.

I should have the money by the end of today.

That plus some shares I'm selli, but it'll be enough.

What difference can one day mak?

Please?

- All right.

- Thank you.

- I'll call.

Same time tomorrow.

Be ready.

- I promise.

- The thing is gentlemen, I can't fire another bronze aro.

Why not?

Cause it might crack the origin.

- [Sir Max] Good point.

- So, I'll have to model over i. Oh.

Plaster.

Yes.

Why not?

That'll do fine.

And then when that's dry, sculpt it and then special paint.

How much?

Uh, six coats.

- What for?

Why?

- Oh, to harden it up.

Give it that coldness.

I mean, have you ever kissed br?

Doesn't kiss you back, does it?

That's right.

Not a problem.

- When can you start?

- Whenever you want.

- Now.

- Do I not get a cup of tea fir?

- Must you?

Excuse me.

- Do you not trust me?

- I trust everybody.

Once.

(orchestral music playing) - [Lovejoy] So where are they?

- I had to pop off into a hedge.

- You're cracking up, Tink.

- Hi, John.

- Afternoon, ma'am.

- Thank God that's over.

- Oh darling, how was it?

- Awful.

- Did anything go wrong?

- Not that I know of.

I just feel so, so soiled.

Having to crawl to him.

(orchestral music playing) - Ah, don't tell me.

The smell of blood.

I've got some scotch in the off.

- Scotch!

- Eric's tape.

- Tape we hear from the tumbrils on the way to the tower.

(tape playing) - [Eric] Surveillance.

The Green Man Pub.

Field agent E Catchpole.

1400 hours, 17th of the seventh.

- [Man In Pub] See some of them horses at Hunsdon Beach?

They're average eat last year was 77 kilos.

Those Frenchmen, though, they made over a hundred.

Your frog always were a hungry .

They are famous for it.

- Your froggy always was a hung.

- [Eric] Marvelous.

Marvelous.

There I am out risking life and.

And here you are having a laugh.

- How did it go?

- Have I got news for you?

- Where did he take you?

You hungry bugger.

- (indistinct) - To a council estate on the outskirts of Ipswich.

- I thought he was in the Met.

- No, that's what he told Mary .

- Wasn't really a policeman at all, was he Eric?

- Well, how do you know?

- Instinct.

Gut reaction.

- Well, he used to be in the jo.

He used to be a DI, didn't he?

But he got thrown out over three years ago.

- How did you find that out?

- Well, I don't suppose you ever were a paper boy, were you, Lady Jane?

- No, as a matter of fact.

No, I wasn't.

- Well, if you ever want to find anything out, go to the local news agents, cause they're like the Ministry of Information they are.

- Very good, Eric.

- Mind you, I had to dig deep t. - How deep?

- Well, an ice cream cornet, a quarter of jelly beans, fizzy, and a comic.

For a nipper.

(orchestral music playing) (doorbell rings) - No, gentlemen.

This way please.

- Good afternoon.

What a lovely.

- Who the hell are you?

- Lovejoy.

Who the hell are you?

- What is all this?

- Ah, Shand.

I have here some lovely pickiesu and Mrs. Russell at The Green M. Actually, they're all of you and Mrs. Russell at The Green M. Plus some background music.

(tape playing) - [Mary] I need more time.

- [Shand] I told you.

- [Mary] You didn't give me lon.

- [Shand] Well, if you haven't got the money, then our report has to go in with the photos.

- Enough of that.

After a protracted illness, Detective Inspector Michael Shad was declared permanently unfit for police work last week.

He will therefore retire in December 23rd, 1988.

Detective Inspector Shand was sd from police duty in 1987.

- So what do you want?

- What's the penalty these days for impersonating a police offi?

- All right, Lovejoy.

You want to make a deal?

- My pickies, for your pickies?

- Yeah.

- And you never bother Mrs. Russell or her husband again.

- Shut it.

- Shand, tape.

Wait until they play the rest o.

- Abracadabra!

Cold, huh?

- All right to lift?

- Of course.

- It doesn't often happen.

I'm speechless.

- [Greg] Lovejoy?

Greg Veitch.

This is farewell and goodbye.

I have to go back sooner than e. Sorry we didn't crack the Eurek.

Leave something for next time, .

So, thanks to you and the boys for your help.

You should have got the check b.

As they say back home, your blood's worth bottling, sp.

If you get to Sydney, first sho.

Give us a thought when you next get your leg over Lady Jane.

- Lovejoy!

- What?

(koala squeaks) - [Greg] Charlene?

Get me on the first flight out .

And listen, have Torchy Jacobson call me from England, will you?

- Ah, Jameson?

Some act.

How about a couple more bronzes?

- [Greg] Count the hours, Lovej.

What am I talking about?

I'm talking about a Benin bronz.

I'm talking about $600,000 Aust.

I'm talking about Sir Max Spence and Jameson, and you!

Because you are the bastard who introduced me to them.

The mafia have a saying Lovejoy.

"Never hate your enemy.

It affects your judgment."

But I'm finding it very hard.

(airplane soaring) (Eric knocking) - He's not here!

- He must have had a phone call from Sydney as well and decided to go away for the .

- Lovejoy, about those few days holiday you owe me.

- Come on.

We're going to see Jameson.

Okay, Eric?

- Whoa!

(orchestral music playing) - Arson.

They reckon the whole place reeked of kerosene when they got here.

- What about Jameson?

- No sign of him.

(phone ringing) - Personally, I'd soon be dead when I'm cremated.

- [Lady Jane] Lovejoy.

- [Greg] Hello, Lovejoy?

You want to know what happened to Jameson's studio?

Yeah, well, I said frighten him and they thought I said, "fry h. You tell Sir Max that's what has to drongos who cross me.

You're next Lovejoy.

- Janey.

(boat motor whirring) - Max!

Max!

- Oh.

- Ah, Max.

- Is there anything wrong?

- The Benin bronze.

- What?

- What happened to it?

- I have no idea what you're talking about.

- Sir Max, please.

- You made a deal with Jameson, didn't you?

- Oh, fantasy, Lovejoy.

- Someone set fire to his studi.

- Who?

- Greg Veitch.

- He's gone.

- No, he's back and excuse me, .

Wants your balls on a fork.

- Oh my goodness.

- What'd you do with the money?

- I spent it.

- All of it?

- All.

- What on?

- [Sir Max] Well, I sent it straight to the Inland Revenue.

Death duties.

- Oh, that's great, Max.

What about the bronze?

- In Jameson's studio?

- There is no Jameson studio.

- What was it doing there anywa?

- Come on, Max.

Tell us.

- I sold it.

- Again?

- To a Chinese gentleman.

And a Russian.

And one to an awfully charming .

- What've you found?

- Not sure.

- Could it be, uh.

- It looks kind of like it, eh?

- A million quid's worth?

- [Eric] You sure Lovejoy?

I mean, are you sure you haven't just cooked this up?

Well, it was just a thought.

- [Tinker] I have an auntie in , pining for a visit.

- Look at your chair, Lovejoy.

It's like a fairy on a Christma.

What's that smell?

I've smelled it before recently.

- Kerosene.

- Oh my God.

I mean, what are we going to do?

I mean, how are we going to get this bloke off our backs?

- "If you can keep your head whilst all about you are losing" - Yeah?

- I've forgotten the rest.

- Oh, jeez.

- [Lovejoy] Shand.

(Shand knocking) - Mr. Veitch?

- Yeah?

- We're police officer, sir.

I'm Detective Inspector, Shand.

This is Detective Sergeant Reds.

We're making some inquiries abo.

A suspected arson attack at a local sculptor's foundry.

- You look well for a dead 'un .

- What do you want now?

- What do you think I want?

Half of what Veitch gave you.

And this will be the final farewell performance, won't it, Inspector?

Ahem.

Plus the negs.

Ta.

- Uh, Lovejoy.

- Your negs.

I'll give your a love to Mary R. Still thinking of popping down to Lyme Regis, Tink?

- Oh, there's no great rush.

She can wait till summer goes.

- And those days off Eric?

- Ah, well, I don't think so, L. Cause, I mean, there's too much to do around here, isn't there?

- Oh, there's far too much.

Yeah.

- Can I ask a question?

- Certainly, as long as it has to do with black pepper.

- No, it certainly has not.

Whatever happened to the Benin ?

- It, it melted in the Jameson .

- Yeah.

It's probably stuck to e of some fireman's size 12 boot.

- Okay.

What do you say, Lovejo?

- Well, being an incurable roma.

I think it's like the Maltese F. We haven't heard the last of it.

- Oh.

- But you heard what Jameson sa.

- But I'm a divvy.

I sense these things.

Didn't I ever tell you that?

- Oh, put the kettle on Lovejoy.

- Ha, ha!

(orchestral music playing)