(upbeat music) (gun firing) (upbeat music continues) (glass clinking) (birds chirping) (vehicle droning) (lids rattling) (plastic rustling) (vehicle droning) (birds chirping) (wheels skidding) (vehicle droning) (birds chirping) (bags rustling) (vehicle droning) (vehicle honking) (dramatic music) (bags rustling) - You're in trouble, sunshine.

- Don't come close to the vehic.

- Hey, how about this then, fellas, a bin diver?

What's your brown paper, sonny?

- I was just takin' the hat stand, that's all.

- You mean thievin' it, don't y?

- It's not thieving, it's in the bin, it's rubbish.

- Rubbish, are you collecting r?

Hey, hey, fill him up, fellas, he can have all the rubbish he .

- [Eric] Hey, now hold on a min.

- No, you hold on a minute, son.

It's ours, not yours, you got t?

And what's more, the tottin' rights are ours.

Del's, Ray's, Steve's and yours truly, Brian Nun's.

Do I make myself clear?

- Well, I only-- - We don't allow bin diving on .

Persistent offenders usually end up in the fracture clinic.

Is that right, fellas?

- That's right, Brian.

(garbage rattling) All this crap is ours.

From the porcelain to the parso.

That's our bonus, sonny.

I'm surprised Lovejoy didn't te.

- Lovejoy never tells me anythi.

- Oh, no, down to rummaging in bins now, is he, eh?

(laughs) Go on, lad, get stuck .

Hey, you never know, you might find there's a bit of Wedgwood wrapped up in a nappy liner, eh (laughs)?

(placid music) (lid thumping) (clock ticking) (placid music) - Do you give a discount for du?

Now, this'd do me very nicely.

- Ah, the King Charles the Second walnut chair.

Very interesting history, that .

It used to belong to Sir Christ, the architect of St. Paul's Cat.

Legend has it, when Queen Anne came round to visit him, she used to sit in that very ch.

Remarkable, isn't it?

- I thought the bottom fell out of that particular market several years ago.

- Hold on a minute, you're trade and I thought you were a punter.

- Well, (laughs) I'm tradish.

Betty Morgan, Betty's Bygones.

All I'm trying to do is earn a crust, like you, now.

- I want two grand for it.

- Two grand?

I'll give you 750 cash.

It's the best I can do.

- Betty, you'd be better off selling fish and chips.

I bought it in for a grand two .

- I tell you what, I think I might be able to manage 1,000.

- Get outta here.

(clock ticking) (mysterious music) (bell ringing) (mysterious music continues) (birds chirping) - It's the best offer you'll get all day, Lovejoy.

- 1,000 pounds, please, Betty, leave the field to the pros.

- I'm staying at the Plough if you change your mind.

- Fat chance!

(vehicle droning) And what sort of time d'you cal?

- I've been trashed by a crew o.

They reckoned I was nicking their hat stand.

Accused me of bin diving.

(vehicle droning) - Bin diving, now, there's an en to make you hold your breath.

Known amongst the dusters, sorr, refuse collectors as scratching.

The art of fossicking around in putrid, rotting garbage for , y'know, getting your hand right down inside the goo, in case you come up with a silvn that got caught in the liner bis along with the avocado skins.

"Oh, look, Granny's old whatnot," God, it's ugly.

Never mind that, could be worth.

But you gotta have the eye, you gotta have the feel and you've gotta have a stomach like a leather bucket.

We junk half our history every year, we throw away millions.

But it's there, believe me, ask any bin diver.

(placid music) (birds chirping) - They filled this full of stinp and then threatened to do me ov.

- What was the name of the bin ?

- A guy called Brian, built lik.

- Ooh, I hope you haven't rubbed Brian up the wrong way, I've had some very nice pieces out of Brian.

- Yeah, well, I got the impression he wanted to make some very nice pieces o.

- (laughs) Eric, please.

- Who was that woman?

- That was Betty Morgan of Betty's Bygones.

Staying at the Plough, can't have much cash.

Do you know, she offered me 1,0s for my Charles the Second walnu?

I mean, I ask you, Eric, pitiful, 1,000 pounds!

(water exploding) - Oh, God!

(dramatic music) (vehicle droning) (brakes squealing) (wind whooshing) (footsteps thumping) (paper rustling) (footsteps thumping) (birds chirping) - Thank you, Brian.

- Okay.

(footsteps thumping) (door squeaking) (placid music) - No, it's a very nice piece, a. Mm, sight unseen?

I'd say one and a half.

Ah, come on, Jack, this thing's a foot high.

Yeah, it looks like the King of, still in his can, what?

Got a hat stand, needs strippin.

- 25, it's a freebie!

- Shh!

You're on, Jack.

One and a half, right.

Right, you, on your bike, you'r.

- But where, Lovejoy?

- Dandy Jack's.

Collecting one and a half.

(paper rustling) Good morning, Lady Felsham.

- Morning, Lovejoy, morning, Er.

- No, goodbye, Eric, he was jus.

- Oh, I see, goodbye, Eric.

- It's a dog's life, fetch the stick, bury the bone, fetch the stick, bury the bone.

- (barks) Sit down, sit down, just a moment.

(bell ringing) There we are.

Now, tea, coffee, pint of gin?

- [Jane] No, thank you, Lovejoy.

- Well, to what do I owe this p?

- I've come to ask you a very big favor actually.

- Don't tell me, you're leavingr and you want to move into my spare bedroom.

Well, that's pas de probleme, m. I know I've got some clean sheets here somewhere.

- [Jane] I'm afraid not, Lovejo.

- No?

- [Jane] But it was very nice of you to offer.

- You know, I can see me giving you the same spiel when I'm 70, we'll be too old t. - [Jane] No, we won't.

- No?

- No, the things I like about you won't go away with age.

- Oh, all right, what's this fa?

- (giggles) A friend of mine's husband died and I suspect she's been left a little short.

She asked me if I knew anyone who might look over her house, see if she'd anything worth putting into auction.

- When do you want me to go?

- [Jane] How about this evening?

- Yeah, all right, I'll do it.

Perhaps you should go, dressed appropriate for the occasion.

- Lovejoy, what are you doing?

- These stockings once graced the legs of Queen Victoria.

Made for and worn by the Britis, you remember the fairy tale, "Cinderella And The Glass Slipp?

Well, this is my version, the black stockings.

- I suspect you've got the wrong fairy tale, Lovejoy, I think these were worn by Wido.

Anyway, I want you to go alone this evening.

It's embarrassing enough for he, having the valuers in the house.

You can pop in afterwards for a drink if you like.

- What's her address?

(playful music) (Jane laughing) (placid music) (birds chirping) (lid rattling) (plastic rustling) (dog barking) - Oh, jeez!

(dog barking) (birds chirping) (vehicle droning) (birds chirping) (tire skidding) (vehicle droning) You meatheads, never back out onto a main road, I nearly went under that bloody!

- Oh, it's the bin diver, what're you puffin' about?

- [Eric] You almost killed me, .

- What a shame.

What you got there, delivery for the Pasta Palace, hey?

Oh, oh, look, you've been at it again, haven't you, hey?

Oh, a Hardy Perfect, 50 quid.

- No, no, no, that stuff's mine, I'm delivering it to Dandy Jack, look, gimme that back now.

- Oh, what's this, ooh?

- [Eric] No!

- Oh, Staffordshire, King of Sardinia, a Wellington.

- That's Lovejoy's, it's worth , I'm taking it to Dandy Jack's, God's honor!

- Like hell you are.

You've been scratching again, h?

You know what we do with bin divers, don't ya?

- Look, please, Brian, take the, but the figure belongs to Lovejoy, he'll sack me.

Well, he'll kill me if I don't .

Please, Brian, it's the truth.

- We are talking three figures here, aren't we, fellas?

- At least, easy.

- Easy.

- [Brian] So we stomp on his he?

- Yeah.

- No, I think he's got the message.

- [Eric] Look, this is highway !

- No, it ain't.

(birds chirping) You ain't been inoculated like what we have.

We've just saved you from catching the typhoid or the plague, that's all.

You don't know where this stuff.

- Yes, I do, it's been at Lovej!

- [Brian] (laughs) Then we've saved him as well, haven't we?

Praise the Lord (laughs).

- Praise the Lord.

(footsteps thumping) (birds chirping) - And shift that bike, I'm coming back there in a minute.

(tense music) (vehicle droning) (upbeat music) (rain splattering) (door rattling) (door thumping) (upbeat music continues) (rain splattering) (thunder rumbling) (rain splattering) (knocker thumping) (rain splattering) (door rattling) (rain splattering) - Oh, come in, Mr. Lovejoy.

I said to myself, "What is the t "in keeping a dinner service when I no longer entertain?"

Archie's in Canada, Pru's in Cape Town, they don't want it.

You see, Mr. Lovejoy, it was a wedding present, Crown.

- Yeah, well, it's a bit chipped and there's a few pieces missin.

- Well, it has been to India and back three times, and East Africa.

(thunder rumbling) Damn servants, they break everything they touch.

No, not worth anything?

- I'm afraid not.

- I'm not doing very well, am I?

May I offer you another sherry?

- Thank you, come on, Ben, let's get the nice Mr. Lovejoy another sherry.

Sit down, sit down.

- Tell me, Mrs. Jaglom, how mucy are you trying to raise?

- [Freda] 10,000 pounds.

- May I ask why?

- Well, it's quite simple, Mr. .

I'm hard up, and the roof leaks like a colander.

Henry, that was my late husband, was pig-headed.

Against the advice of his broke, he plowed his entire pension into an overseas investment fun, which didn't survive close scru.

A bit like the Barlow Clowes af.

- Oh, yes, I remember that.

- So, now I'm reduced to selling all my goods and chattels to survive.

- Why don't you just buy a smal?

- Oh, we would if we could, wouldn't we, Ben?

Unfortunately, the house is owned by the building society.

We remortgaged it.

Henry blew that away too.

When I die, it goes to them now.

- No, thank you.

- You see, Mr. Lovejoy, drastic situations call for drastic solutions, as Henry.

Tell me, honestly, Mr. Lovejoy, you've got an eye for antiques, what is the value of all this?

- Well, if you were to auction off the entire contents of the house, at a pinch, I'd say you'd raise.

- Raise?

- 10,000 pounds, and you'd have an empty house.

- Follow me, Mr. Lovejoy.

Come on, Ben.

(rain splattering) (door rattling) The light's on the left.

(switch clicking) (rain splattering) Now, where is it?

I know it's here somewhere.

- Oh, allow me (grunts).

(rain splattering) - It was to be our nest egg.

Henry wouldn't insure it 'cause he said we couldn't afford to pay the premium.

And he said that he didn't trust insurance companies to keep their mouths shut.

That's why we've never been bur.

(rain splattering) (thunder rumbling) - Oh, yes, "Mary, Countess Howe, painted in 1763 by Gainsborough.

- My word, Mr. Lovejoy, you are an expert, aren't you?

- Well, the original's in the Kenwood Gallery in London.

- What do you mean, the original's in a gallery in Lond?

- Well, it's a bit bigger than .

I mean, this is a Victorian cop.

Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't know that, did you?

- How much?

- Oh, that's irrelevant, Mrs. J!

I mean, as Keats said, "A thing of beauty is a joy for, "its loveliness increases, "it will never fade into nothin" - It just has, and you didn't answer my question.

- And this'll be as painful for me as it is for you.

- Just tell me, please.

- About 1,500 pounds.

(rain splattering) - You knew, didn't you, Henry?

You stupid, thoughtless old buffer, you knew all along!

Well, all I've got to say to yo, is I hope it's bloody hot down .

(chair rattling) (chair thumping) (canvas ripping) I feel much better now.

(rain splattering) - Ooh!

- How about another sherry, Mr.?

(placid music) (upbeat music) (thunder rumbling) (upbeat music continues) (wipers whooshing) (vehicle seizing) (water splashing) (vehicle clicking) - Oh, Miriam, you bitch, you inconsiderate bitch!

This is all I bloody need!

(placid music) (door rattling) (rain splattering) (door slamming) (rain splattering) (placid music continues) (water splashing) (footsteps thumping) (thunder rumbling) (placid music continues) (rain splattering) (placid music continues) Lady Felsham, Alexander, Janey,!

(window squeaking) (gentle music) - [Jane] Lovejoy, what on earth's happened to you?

- I just popped by for that dri.

(gentle music continues) (fire crackling) Well, she smashed it to pieces and then attacked the sherry bo.

I was tramping about for ages.

It's a jungle out there, Jane.

(Jane giggling) Oh, where is Alexander, by the ?

- Oh, he's not here, he's gone to a conference in Harrogate.

- Well, if you think I should leave, Janey.

- Well, a friend dropping by fok is no grounds for divorce.

I mean, we are both grown-up pe.

Well, at least one of us is.

Let me get you a refill.

(fire crackling) (drink sloshing) There we are.

(fire crackling) (hand thumping) (tense music) (door rattling) - [Richard] Shh, shh.

(door rattling) (tense music continues) (footsteps thumping) (door clicking) (tense music continues) (footsteps thumping) (clock ticking) (tense music continues) (Ben barking) (door clicking) (tense music continues) (Ben barking) - Who's there?

(Ben barking) (footsteps thumping) (door thumping) (tense music continues) (Ben whining) Who the devil's there?

(tense music continues) (Ben barking) (fist thumping) Oh!

(Ben barking) (footsteps thumping) - [Jane] Come on, Lovejoy!

- Huh?

- Wakey, wakey, it's a brand-ne.

- Room service.

(birds chirping) Jane?

- No, we did not!

You were out cold.

- Are you sure?

- [Jane] I think I'd be the firt to know about it, don't you?

- Not necessarily.

- [Jane] I've called the A.A.

They'll be by your car in half .

(shaver buzzing) - Five star rating next year.

- Lovejoy, there is just one ot.

I'd appreciate it if you'd didnn where you spent the night.

You know how close-knit communid to embellish worthless trivia.

- Oh, yes, whoops.

(birds chirping) (vehicle droning) (door rattling) (door slamming) (footsteps thumping) (birds chirping) (door rattling) - [Eric] Well, I can see you're on the go as usual.

- Detective Sergeant Bentley and Detective Constable Hubbard, we're local.

- Well, make yourselves at home.

Eric you haven't offered them any tea or biscuits.

- We wanted this to be amicable.

- So, who's stopping you?

- Can you account for your moves between 10:30 last night and two o'clock this morning?

- Why, I'm over 21?

- Because there's a certain Mrsm whom you visited last night, who got turned over and whacked across the head, th.

- I'm very sorry to hear that.

But what's that got to do with ?

- Well, you're dark curly hair and a dealer, fit the description quite well .

- Now, for your information, the car broke down, it was pouring down with rain, I had to leg it through the fie.

- If you were legging it through the fields, I'd say your clothing would be decidedly manky by now.

- Wouldn't you agree?

- What I suggest is, Lovejoy, that you come down to the station with us for a chat.

- Are you arresting me or what?

- Right now I think it falls into the "or what" category, but you never can tell.

- All right, Eric, get my solicitor on the phone.

Tell him to come down the police station right away.

- Right, Lovejoy.

(birds chirping) - I hate hospitals, Ben.

Never been in one in my life.

Anyway, I want to be around if those buggers come back agai.

(cane thumping) (clock ticking) - Oh, look, how many times do we have to go over this?

Everything I've told you is the.

You've checked it all out.

Okay, I did spend the night awae but I'm not prepared to tell yo.

It's as simple as that.

Now, my solicitor is outside and you either book me or I walk outta here.

- We've got a score card on you.

- So, what does that make me, a mass murderer, war criminal?

I'm not in the habit of whacking old ladies over the head.

- You've been bolted up before, next time it'll cost you.

Go on, on your bike.

Show him off the premises and watch he doesn't nick anyth.

(footsteps thumping) (birds chirping) - No, I don't know who did it but I'll find out.

(suitcase thumping) - Look, Lovejoy, why don't you just let me go to the police and tell them?

- Because of the embellishment of trivia factor, Lady Felsham.

- Oh, Lovejoy-- - Jane, let me do it my way.

(birds chirping) (dog barking) (door thumping) (clock ticking) (door rattling) (bell ringing) - Lovejoy?

(door thumping) Where are you, Lovejoy?

- [Lovejoy] In here.

(clock ticking) (footsteps thumping) (gun clicking) - [Eric] Staffordshire figure or your life, you fat slug.

- That was a real sleazy trick you pulled on my man, Brian.

- You should instruct your staff about lines of demarcation, Lov.

You know the rules about bin di.

He's taking the bread out of ou.

- You robbed me, I could've had you nicked.

- From what I hear, you lot oughta stay well clear of the law, there y'are.

- Oh (sighs)!

(gun thumping) - Count yourself lucky.

- Who did it, Brian?

- I thought you did (laughs).

Well, Bentley's gotta get a res?

He's the new broom round here, ?

He used to be C.I.D.

in the Met.

But he's come up here to make the local nick toe the line.

Too much of the old laissez-faire according to him.

How about this, then?

- Where did you get that from?

- Scratching, wouldn't mind the shooters that go with it.

- Neither would I, Purdeys.

Shame about the paint, though.

- Oh, a bit of modern technology will get rid of that.

- We don't stock that here.

- Then try turps.

- How much?

- 50.

- I'm skint, 20.

- I wish I was a pound behind you, make it 40.

- 25.

(money rustling) - See you.

(footsteps thumping) And no more diving, right?

- He can't even swim.

(Brian chuckling) - How can you deal with people ?

- Salt of the earth is Brian.

This thing must be worth at lea.

(wood scraping) (birds chirping) - [Eric] Hey, take a look at th, that geezer's name's on it.

- Well, well, well, discover something new every day, don't you?

- I've already given the policet of what I think was stolen.

Snag is, stupid Henry's accumulated so much junk, it's really hard to tell what w. - Mm, but did he have a pair of Purdey shotguns, Freda?

- He certainly had guns, Henry shot anything that moved.

Caused trouble a couple of time.

Shot some native bearers by mis.

I think he bought them just before we went to India.

- Any idea what happened to the?

- No, hated the damn things.

Can't remember seeing them for .

Probably lost them for all I kn.

They will catch those buggers, won't they, Jane?

- You can count on it.

(clock ticking) (upbeat music) (door rattling) (door thumping) (upbeat music continues) (footsteps thumping) (bell ringing) - [Lovejoy] Brian?

- [Brian] What d'you want, Lovejoy, I'm very busy?

- Where'd you get all this from?

- 20 years on the dust.

It's not for sale, Lovejoy, not one single piece.

You don't mind if I carry on, d?

I'm at a very crucial stage with this recipe.

(placid music) - What are you making?

- Poulet et morel a la Normande.

That's chicken, toadstools and cream to the uninitiated.

- I thought you were more of a pie and chip man.

Never realized you were a chef.

- Me, cordon bleu (laughs).

No, the wife's more of a pie and pint woman, but I like to give her a good ml when she comes home from work.

She's a midwife, you know?

- I know.

- Oh, well, what can I do you f?

- The gun case, I got a lead on it, where'd you find it?

- The tip, spotted it when I was unloading.

- Was there anything else there?

- I dunno, there might have bee.

Oh, bloody hell, I need some mo.

Tell you the truth, I'd had enough of wading througp for one day.

- It's delicious.

- I was doing an Alexander Dumas salad that night, so I didn't wanna stink too much, you know how it is.

- Oh, I know how it is.

Could you show me where you fou?

- Lovejoy, I'm going critical h. The cream could curdle at any m. - We don't want that to happen, do we, Brian?

- No.

(placid music continues) Would you like a cappuccino while you're waiting?

- I would.

- Well, sit down there, I'll make you one.

- All right.

(placid music continues) (garbage rustling) Wait, how do you work in all this stink, Brian?

- That's perfume, Lovejoy (laug.

This place is a bed of roses.

Heh, you wanna go where they're tipping knacker's gear.

- No, thank you very much!

- [Brian] It was up here anyway.

- What, here?

- [Brian] Yeah, over this.

- [Lovejoy] Brian, I can't go in all this crap.

- [Brian] Go on, course you can.

- [Lovejoy] Oh!

(Brian laughing) (seagulls squawking) - It's easy, innit, eh?

- Where do I go?

- Just over that way a bit.

Oh, look out for that cat litter, it's very tasty is that.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

- Well, where does this stuff come from, Brian?

- If you open some of them bin bags and mooch around a bit, you might find a couple of old addressed labels and env.

- Never thought of that.

- Yeah, mind that just, there's!

(playful music) (seagulls squawking) (footsteps thumping) - What are these for?

- [Eric] They're torturer's ton.

- Get off.

- [Eric] No, that's right.

(footsteps thumping) (Eric grunting) - What have we got here, then?

Well, I never.

How about that then, Malcolm?

(birds chirping) Signs of recent occupation, I'd.

Well, we're talking shooters he, and that moves it up a few notc.

Now, you just take a deep breath, think hard and tell us where you got it fr.

- Well, I'm sure there's a very simple explanation.

Come on, Eric, get it off your .

I'm sure you'll feel better for.

- It came from the tip.

- What crap, you don't expect us to believe that, do you?

- No, it's the truth, we got it from a bin man for 25 quid.

- What bin man?

- Oh, well, I can't remember hi.

- You're lyin'!

- No, I'm not, I can't act that good (laughs).

(chest thumping) Oh!

- I'm gonna count to three, one, two, three.

- Ow, Brian, Brian, I can't remember his second name.

Nun, Brian Nun, ah!

- Surprising how there's a diree from the fingers to the brain, ?

(birds chirping) (Eric grunting) (birds chirping) - I phoned Purdeys in London.

Their records go back to the la.

Major Jaglom did buy a pair of s from them in 1938.

I've got the number somewhere.

- Then I'll just have to find t. I shall resort to plan B.

- Plan B?

- Yeah, that rubbish came from round the Kiverton area, see?

No, don't touch, Jane, I know where they've been.

Plan B is the free antique valu.

- Oh, you've lost me.

- It's the oldest trick in the .

You poster up a town, set up shop in the Women's Institute, and then offer the local punters free valuation of their antiques.

Well, they're mostly skint, so you skim the cream off the t. - That's dishonest.

- No, it's not.

They don't have to sell them if they don't want.

But you go back later with a be.

- (sighs) Well, what's plan A?

- Ah, plan A, that is the short walk from here to there, with the woman of my dreams.

(birds chirping) Jane, Jane?

- Have you fellas got a boiler e between your ears or what?

I'm not puttin' me hand up for .

If you wanna nick the geezers who did old Mrs. Jaglom, you wanna get on your bikes down to Kiverton.

- You know more than you're tellin', don't you?

- I'll tell you one thing.

I work with a crew of three fels and their memories ain't what they're cracked up to be.

You know what they do?

They sometimes forget to empty bins on the rounds.

They go for weeks, months even, without collecting from certain.

I don't know why.

It's always been a mystery to m. You live in Wifford Street, don't you, Sarge?

(bell ringing) (footsteps thumping) - [Seller] Actually, Dorothy, I couldn't care less if we only get 30 quid for the .

It's been cluttering up the hall for months now and I'm fed up with tripping over the blasted thing.

- My great-grandfather had it at the Crimean War.

He warmed his feet on it at Bal.

- Have you any idea how much it?

- 1,000 pounds?

- 15's nearer the mark.

- 15,000 pounds, well, I never.

Would you like to buy it?

- 15 pounds, madam, not 15,000.

- You're not up to much, are yo?

You don't know what you're talking about, wasting my time!

- Oh, Eric, this is purgatory.

Their idea of antique is something made last year.

What have we got so far?

- Three toffee hammers.

- [Lovejoy] Hm!

- [Alistair] Hi, there, we hear you're valuing antiques.

- [Lovejoy] That's right.

- How about buying them?

- Has been known, oh.

(paper rustling) Is this yours?

- Of course it's ours, it's a r. - How much is it worth?

- Hard to say.

- What about 50 quid?

- 50's a bit steep, what do you think, Eric?

- You can't give this stuff away, I'd say 15.

- Well, how about 20?

- Well?

- [Eric] All right, 20.

- Just a moment, just a moment, proof of ownership.

- But it's ours.

- Sorry, not good enough, where did you find it?

- [Richard] Still 20, right?

- Still 20.

- [Richard] We found it on a tip, actually.

- What tip?

- Well, the municipal tip.

When head of house confiscated the dirty mags, he said he was gonna burn them but we knew that they'd end up , didn't we, Richard?

- Hoped we'd find them on the t. Drew a blank, plenty of cat shi.

Came up with that instead.

Is that good enough for you?

(money rustling) - Yeah, it's good enough.

- Pleasure doing business with you, "Lovejoy".

(Richard laughing) (footsteps thumping) (fist thumping) (birds chirping) (placid music) (vehicle droning) (vehicle honking) (placid music continues) (birds chirping) (door rattling) (door slamming) (birds chirping) - What's the rush, Lovejoy?

Trying to make it back before c?

- No rush, Sergeant, and between you and me, young Miriam here has never reached 70 in her life.

- Looks like somebody's been po.

- Been far, have we?

- Kiverton.

- Kiverton, eh?

- Says Nyasaland here, Lovejoy, "Major Henry Jaglom, 1" - Bought it from a couple of schoolboys for cash?

Lovejoy, cabbage-looking we may be, but green we ain't.

This is on the list and in my book, that's receiving.

It's not good any way you look at it, is it?

- I didn't do it, I had nothing to do with it, it was pure coincidence and I wanna see my solicitor.

- We phoned, he's out of town.

- All you've done is trot out your alibi number.

I think your alibi lives in Playboy land, if you ask me.

- Well, nobody's asking you.

- And then why don't you get your alleged lady friend to stand up and be counted, or does she make her living lyi?

- Enough with the cheap insults.

(footsteps thumping) (door thumping) - [Graham] This is our think ta, you think about it.

(lock rattling) (energetic music) (vehicle droning) (birds chirping) (vehicle droning) - Oh my God!

- [Richard] Lovejoy in?

- No, he's not here, I'm only h. Now hold on, there's no need for any of that.

I've told you, he's not here.

(birds chirping) - [Richard] How much?

- How much for what?

- [Richard] I've got a pair of , Purdeys, worth thousands.

- Oh, well, that's not really o.

No, I'd try the gun shop.

- [Richard] I'm trying Lovejoy, 1,000 for both of them.

Come on, I haven't got all day!

- Look, we don't keep that sort of money in the house.

It would have to be tomorrow.

- [Richard] I'll phone at four o'clock, cash, no checks.

(footsteps thumping) (vehicle droning) (birds chirping) - 1,000 pounds, 1,000 pounds, 1,000 pounds, 1,000 pounds.

(door rattling) (footsteps thumping) (phone rattling) (phone ringing) (table rattling) Ah, the Plough.

Betty Morgan, please.

Hi, Betty Morgan, Betty's Bygon?

Ah, it's Eric here.

Well, Lovejoy's partner, of cou.

I understand you want to buy the Charles the Second walnut chair.

1,000 pounds, wasn't it, you wi?

Well, tonight seems as good a t. Cash, no checks though, I'm afr, if that's all right with you.

Great, well, see you then.

(phone thumping) Yes!

(hand thumping) (footsteps thumping) (lock rattling) - Oh, he's sleeping like a baby.

(upbeat music) (footsteps thumping) - What's the matter, don't you ?

- With a rig like this, you must be joking.

(machine droning) (upbeat music continues) - [Graham] Wake him up.

- Wake up, Lovejoy, come on, shake a leg, it's not a hotel.

- Oh, what time is it?

- [Graham] I'm not happy with any of this, Lovejoy.

- No?

- We're bailing you to reappear back here in two da.

Don't think about heading off to the sun, will you?

(footsteps thumping) - Oh.

(Lovejoy yawning) (gate squeaking) Oh.

- I'm determined to nick you, Lovejoy.

- I admire people who are big on principles.

(footsteps thumping) (money rustling) (door rattling) - [Eric] Ah, Lovejoy, where you?

I've been phoning all over.

- Oh, well, you didn't try cell three at the nick, did you?

Where'd you get all that money?

- Betty Morgan, sold her the chair, didn't I?

Just making sure she hasn't rip.

- [Lovejoy] How much did you ge?

- Got 1,000 pounds for it.

- [Lovejoy] Oh, 1,000 pounds.

- Yeah, all cash money (laughs).

- You sold my Charles the Second walnut chair for 1,000 pounds?

- Yeah!

- I'm going to kill you, Eric.

Say goodbye to be because I'm the past person you'll ever see alive.

- Now, now, whatever I've done, Lovejoy, I'm sorry.

- Oh no, it's too late for sorr.

But when you get to the other side, tap on the table.

- [Eric] No, I only did it to buy the bloody guns!

(door slamming) - Guns, what guns?

- [Eric] The pair of Purdeys, he wants 1,000 pounds for 'em.

- I'll make a dealer out of him.

- [Narrator] When you look at ws with royals, how hard they work, when they go along for an hour f or two hours to something, you imagine they-- (wheels grinding) - On your bike, you skank, you're banned.

- [Lovejoy] What're you talking?

- Your man grassed me up over the gun case.

I got dragged in by the Old Bil.

I'm bailed to appear because of.

Well, if it's any consolation, .

What do you reckon we should do?

Go to Rio or nail this villain once and for all?

- [Brian] I'd like to nail your man to the war memorial.

- Hold onto your hammer for a while, Brian.

The maggot who did Mrs. Jaglom has come out of the woodwork.

He's offered me a pair of Purdeys for a grand.

- What's that gotta do with me?

- Well, I might need some muscle when I meet him, Brian, I don't know who I'm dea.

- [Brian] Take your moron with .

It's what you pay him for, isn'?

- Well, not really, besides, he's locked in the kitchen.

There'll be a drink in for you,.

(tool clanging) (wheels grinding) - It better be a big 'un.

(gentle music) (Brian speaks in foreign langua) Game's up, Lovejoy.

- No, it isn't, he'll phone.

(gentle music continues) (paper rustling) (phone ringing) (gentle music continues) Lovejoy Antiques, get off the phone, you brick-brain.

No, he hasn't phoned yet.

Just Eric being his conscientio.

(gentle music continues) (phone ringing) Lovejoy Antiques, that's right.

Yeah, so I hear, a grand for th.

No, I've got the cash right her.

Where'd you wanna meet, do you wanna come up here?

The road leading to Blackwood Lodge, the end of the lane.

Yeah, I know it, what, seven o'?

Yeah, I'll be there.

No checks, no tricks.

(dramatic music) That's it.

- See you there.

(suspenseful music) (vehicle droning) (vehicle roaring) (suspenseful music continues) - [Richard] Got it?

- Yes, I've got it.

- [Richard] So where is it?

- Well, I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

(suspenseful music continues) (paper rustling) - [Alistair] That good enough f?

- [Richard] The loot.

- Put 'em in the back seat.

(vehicle roaring) (Richard laughing) (dramatic music) (vehicle roaring) (bike crashing) (suspenseful music) (vehicle droning) (suspenseful music continues) (door slamming) (suspenseful music continues) - Where the hell were you, Bria?

- Sorry about that, Lovejoy.

I suddenly remembered I needed t for me rochers congolais, who have we got here?

- Well, well, well, it's the to.

What will mater and pater say about this, hm?

(vehicle droning) - [Brian] Come, up you come.

- [Richard] No, no!

- Come on, there's a good boy, up you go, get in there.

The best is still to come, boys.

(machine droning) - For God's sake, Lovejoy!

- [Brian] Get back, get back!

- Lovejoy, Lovejoy, Lovejoy, please!

- Lovejoy, Lovejoy, please!

- [Richard] Lovejoy, Lovejoy, Lovejoy, please, Lovejoy!

- [Alistair] Lovejoy, Lovejoy!

- [Richard] Lovejoy, Lovejoy!

- All right, lads, get it up.

- Come on then, let's have a go.

- What're you doing, Brian?

- You'll like this bit, Lovejoy, it's great.

Are you ready?

Drop it down then, go on.

(motorbike thumping) (refuse collectors chattering) Great, great, great.

(machine droning) (refuse collectors chattering) - [Richard] Lovejoy, Lovejoy!

(machine droning) - [Lovejoy] You all right, lads?

- [Richard] Lovejoy, Lovejoy!

(vehicle droning) - This had better be good, Love.

- Oh, it's good, all right, com.

(vehicle droning) I want you to listen.

I want you to listen very caref.

Alistair, can you hear me, Alis?

- [Alistair] Yes, yes, I can.

- Now, Alistair, was it you who broke into Mrs. Jaglom's and whacked her over the head?

- [Alistair] Yes, it was, for God's sake, stop, Lovejoy, we're suffocating in here.

- Are you sure it was you, Alis?

- [Alistair] Of course it was us, it was Richard's idea.

He's her bloody nephew.

- [Richard] You lying bastard!

You're the one who beat her ove.

All I wanted was the Purdeys.

- Good enough, Sergeant?

Hit it, Brian.

(machine droning) - You're extracting a confession under duress, Lovejoy.

- Oh, well, do it your way then.

(machine droning) - [Alistair] What's he doing?

(upbeat music) (machine droning) (garbage thumping) - Oh, look, (laughs) a couple of bin divers.

(refuse collectors laughing) (upbeat music continues) - My, oh, my, a falling out amo.

(vehicle droning) (upbeat music continues) - Selling at 1,500.

(gavel thumping) Coleman, 26, lot 200, a matchedr of Purdey shotguns, made in 193, together with the original brass-bound case.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, who'll start me off at 15,000?

15,000 I'm bid, 15,000 I'm bid, 16, 17, 20?

20,000 I'm bid, 22,000.

The bid's with you, sir, at 22,.

25, 28, 29,000, the bidding's with you at 29,000, sir.

Do I hear any more?

Do I hear any more?

30,000, at 30,000, any more at ?

30,000 once.

(gavel thumping) Pincher, 88.

- I should get whacked over the head every week, Lovej.

- Once is enough, Mrs. J.

(Freda giggling) - Lot 201, a Charles the Second walnut chair.

Previously the property of Sir Christopher Wren, used by Queen Anne on her visits to him, fine condition.

Now, who'll start the bidding a?

- Come on, the sherry's on me.

- [Auctioneer] 2,000 I'm bid, 2,100, 2,300, 2,500, 2,700.

(footsteps thumping) two-nine, 2,900, 3,000.

(upbeat music) - How much?

- (laughs) Look, I know that look, Lovejoy.

(upbeat music continues) (dramatic music)