[ Music, laughter ] Someone's having a good time.

Let's go spoil it!

Come on, you lot, what are you waiting for?

Nothing.

Good, 'cause I liked him.

Sidelski is a thief, Sergeant.

Doesn't stop me liking him.

According to the Assistant Divisional Head of Criminal Militia, North Gdansk, that man is bleeding Poland dry, nicking its history.

Who's buying it?

Homesick Poles, I imagine.

They're everywhere.

Canada, South America, the States.

My governor said if we drew a blank this morning, we either drop it or hand it over to you.

Sorry, mate, antiques aren't worth the effort.

Trouble is, your boss and mine have been talking.

They reckon your crime figures need bumping up.

Oh, yeah?

And they both agree what this case needs is an expert.

It's here somewhere.

Bear with me a minute.

You know my motto, never chuck anything away, 'cause one day you might need it or you'll get a good price for it.

Hello!

Yep.

Aha!

There it is.

My daughter Vicki's, actually.

She plays a very good game.

She's got a strong backhand.

I guess that runs in the family.

But her spaghetti will never be a patch on mine.

Perfect.

Al dente... whoever he is.

Spaghetti alla puttanesca.

Mmm.

Delicious.

It's a native dish of the Lazio region.

Lazio?

I know someone in Lazio.

Gazza?

Beppe Signori?

Great left foot.

"Go, Lazio!"

More vino?

Thank you.

What do you think?

It's a little bold, Tinker, even for you.

But is it bold enough?

Mm-hmm.

Lovejoy, what's going on?

I mean, you've never invited me here to eat before.

Just trying to repay you for all those small favors you've done me over the years.

Are you trying to get money out of me?

Because it's a bad time.

I'm not trying to get money out of you, I'm just trying to be hospitable.

Are you going to hurl me onto that bed and make mad, passionate love to me?

LOVEJOY: Making love on that bed after the spaghetti, and your stomach would sound like an accordion.

CHARLOTTE: Such a romantic, Lovejoy.

LOVEJOY: That's why the Italians have three-hour siestas, Charlotte, hmm?

CHARLOTTE: Oh, no, Tinker, really?

LOVEJOY: Oh, that's the one Tink.

Yes.

CHARLOTTE: Where are you going in that foul thing?

TINKER: Women's Institute.

CHARLOTTE: What would Tinker be doing at the Women's Institute?

LOVEJOY: What everybody does at the Women's Institute -- talk about sex.

If the objects on this table are anything to go by, I'm sure his talk will be... fascinating.

Ladies, Major Dill.

[ Applause ] Ladies, can anyone define for me the word "erotica"?

[ Murmuring ] Now, don't all blush at once.

Your reluctance is not surprising.

for by its very definition -- "that which arouses and titillates" -- erotica has been sentenced to the deep, dark dungeons of our desires.

WOMAN: Best place for it!

TINKER: Thank you.

Is there a dark purpose behind this exquisite creature?

WOMAN: No.

TINKER: Beauty, yes, truth, certainly, arousal, hopefully.

What about these two, then?

Do you call what they're doing beautiful?

TINKER: I most certainly do, and please don't touch it -- it's irreplaceable.

It's disgusting.

You lot ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

AUDIENCE: Sit down!

TINKER: There you are, these ladies are committed to the liberation of art.

What, by listening to a dirty old man?

I beg your pardon?

Go on, pass it round, have a good look, then tell me it won't corrupt and deprave.

TINKER: Corrupt and deprave?

What do you mean?

There's a law against it.

Who cares?

I do.

And who are you?

I'm a copper.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

And you're nicked.

Maggie, I ask you to stitch the bloke up, you bring me the contents of his mantelpiece.

It's 3D porn, Skipper.

That blue-rinse beak, she'll hang him for it.

No, girl, his brief will have you for breakfast.

On the other hand, all may not be lost.

Follow me and be enlightened.

It belong to you, does it, the gear?

TINKER: Look, what's this all about?

-Valuable?

-TINKER: Yes, it is, actually.

Well, let's hope you said goodbye to it properly, then.

I'm confiscating it.

TINKER: Uh, excuse me?

This is not pornography, this is real art.

PULVER: Did I say otherwise?

Then what have you got me here for?

Your own good, Tink.

I mean, from little acorns great big whatsits grow.

Talking of which, did you grow this yourself or send out for it?

What is it?

PULVER: Hashish.

Afghani black, by the smell.

LOVEJOY: So, what's on your mind?

TINKER: You know Konrad Dekker?

LOVEJOY: Ooh, we have this mutual regard, Tink.

I hate his guts; he hates mine.

What's he done to you?

You know that picture of Lincoln Town Hall?

What, the one your dad gave you?

Valuable but horrible.

It's hanging in Dekker's gallery.

What, are you saying he nicked it?

TINKER: Well, of course he nicked it.

I didn't give it to him, did I?

So how come you didn't miss it?

Because it's so horrible I -- I -- I keep it under the bed and... You know what I'm like with housekeeping.

You, um -- you want it back?

Course I want it back.

It may be horrible, but it's mine.

[ Softly ] Pick you up around midnight.

Well, you don't have to.

[ Softly ] I know that.

TINKER: What did Dekker do to you?

LOVEJOY: 16 years ago he picked up this bronze horse and dog by Pierre Jules Monez.

Every so often there's a piece you'd kill for, right, Tink?

TINKER: Right.

LOVEJOY: Well, Dekker thought it was stolen, but he wasn't sure, so he gets me to clean it.

I take it home, and he sends round a young copper, Arnie Pulver.

TINKER: Who sees the bronze and realizes it's hot.

LOVEJOY: Right, and Dekker denies all knowledge, leaving yours truly in the card.

TINKER: What happened?

LOVEJOY: Well...

I guess it just wasn't my turn, Tink.

Arnie took the bronze away, stopped for a packet of fags on his way home, and, uh, while he was in the shop, some yobs nicked his car.

Bang went the evidence.

[ Dog barking in distance ] LOVEJOY: Let's go.

PULVER: Where to?

About half an hour back in time.

It's not my fault.

Stop looking at me like that.

LOVEJOY: Why, am I upsetting you?

[ Door closes ] Aha, such a pleasure to see you again, Lovejoy, and especially in so much trouble.

PULVER: This your picture, Mr. Dekker?

DEKKER: Indeed so, and quite by chance I happen to have the receipt with me, signed... by Mr. Dill.

[ Grunts ] Exquisite, don't you think, Lovejoy, hmm?

The light falling as it does, the children playing, the mothers gossiping.

The storm gathering.

I see no storm.

LOVEJOY: It's on its way, Konnie.

[ Telephone rings ] It's on its way.

MAGGIE: Follow me, sir, forms to sign.

DEKKER: Anything, my dear, anything to put a rogue behind bars.

And I'll take my painting.

PULVER: Ah, ah, ah, ah, all in the fullness of time, Mr. Dekker.

Right now, though, it's evidence.

[ Clicks tongue ] When will I get it back?

MAGGIE: Not for me to say, sir.

You stitch him up too, Arnie?

Man jumped at the chance to drop you in it.

Take this as flattery, Lovejoy.

We needed an expert.

Oh, I can't wait to work with you.

PULVER: Religious artifact heading west from Poland.

We know who's bringing the stuff in, some idiot of a sea captain, name of Sidelski.

We think it's big.

One of your mob will have a stake in it.

You'll need that.

Find out who, and you're off the hook -- both of you.

[ Foghorn blowing ] TINKER: You know, you've got to admire Pulver's knowledge of human nature.

He's right, I am a pushover.

I'm weak, I'm easy to bully, I'm unreliable.

LOVEJOY: Not to mention treacherous.

TINKER: And he knows the only person who'll go to the wire for me is you -- well, was you.

You've got to admit -- I looked after you for 10 years.

I cut you in on every deal -- okay, well, nearly every deal.

I put money in your pocket, I put brandy in your veins -- TINKER: Gin.

Okay, gin, I put gin in your veins.

It wasn't all one way.

Exactly!

Which makes it difficult to understand why you'd want to fit me up!

Don't ever speak to me again, Tink, and if Pulver thinks I'm coming out of this empty-handed, he's got another think coming.

Is Sidelski here?

He's over there.

[ Chuckles ] [ Men laughing ] LOVEJOY: Good move, Sidelski.

SIDELSKI: You play?

LOVEJOY: Yeah, sometimes.

SIDELSKI: If you will be Nigel, I will be Garry.

Come, I'll set up the pieces, uh, Mister... Cartwright.

You're not a sailor, Mr. Cartwright, the hand is too soft.

So what are you?

Antiques dealer.

Sidelski, this is Dill.

And you come to beg a favor, I see.

Na zdrowie.

LOVEJOY: Na zdrowie.

Na zdrowie.

From who do you come?

Mutual friend in customs and excise.

You, -- you know they've given up on you, you know, don't you?

[ Speaking Polish ] [ Chuckles ] You are sure?

I'm positive.

He is, uh, how do you say?

One of us.

Oh.

Cur-ved.

I think he means "bent."

I prefer "cur-ved."

[ Clears throat ] Uh, if I gave you a list of stuff that, uh, people wanted, could you get it for me?

Perhaps, but I ask myself, what will Mr. Cartwright do for me?

Could he get for me perhaps a Lada?

I think he means fridge.

I mean Lada the car.

In Poland, in Russia, they sell for big moneys.

Why?

Because we have none, they are all gone west.

[ Laughs ] Yeah, that can be arranged.

But this trip, you, uh, you have nothing left?

SIDELSKI: Oh, no, no, nothing.

And soon we go home to Gdansk.

Mm-hmm.

Let me put it this way -- you don't just deliver the stuff and watch it go down a hole.

I mean, where does it go?

I'm just a poor sea captain.

Fair enough.

Benedict Farm, Great Furlow.

You ask for Mr. Adam Bailey, but you do not say where you heard his name.

Na zdrowie!

Na zdrowie!

Red!

The Lada you get for me next time, he must be red.

In Poland, believe me, we need bright colors.

LOVEJOY: Pigs, cattle, sheep?

No...money.

CHARLOTTE: Thanks for a lovely lunch, by the way.

MAN: Pleasure.

Come on, you two.

We'll take Charlotte back.

TINKER: Beth, express to Lovejoy my surprise, will you?

BETH: Lovejoy, Tink says Gordon Bennett -- Blimey, it's Charlotte.

Seatbelts, please.

[ Engine starts ] TINKER: In Xanadu did Adam Bailey a stately pleasure dome decree.

LOVEJOY: Where does Rosebud Cavendish fit in?

TINKER: You don't think she's fallen from grace, do you?

LOVEJOY: On the fiddle?

Why not?

Things change.

BETH: You spoke to each other.

LOVEJOY AND TINKER: No, we didn't.

LOVEJOY: Just thinking out loud.

TINKER: Polish relics seem a bit thin on the ground.

BETH: Oh, very tasty.

What is this place?

LOVEJOY: It's very tasty indeed, Beth.

We used to call it Uncle's.

Many's the time Mum used to send me down to Uncle's with Dad's watch or his suit or, uh... pots and pans.

BETH: But what are you talking about?

TINKER: Adam Bailey is a pawnbroker.

CHARLOTTE: Hello.

LOVEJOY: Would you tell me what you were doing at Adam Bailey's?

That is none of your business.

TINKER: Seems that he deals in stolen antiques.

CHARLOTTE: Rubbish!

He's a decent man who's put some business my way.

Like what?

An auction.

Anything unclaimed after six months, the broker sells off to get his money back.

Polish relics?

I've no idea.

I haven't seen the list yet.

What's it to you, anyway?

We're helping the police with their inquiries.

CHARLOTTE: [ Laughs ] Yes, of course you are.

You are?

LOVEJOY: The auction, when is it?

CHARLOTTE: Friday.

TINKER: Harley, do you mind?

PULVER: If you two were speaking, she wouldn't be here.

We'd have more elbow room.

BETH: Beats me why they're still teamed up.

TINKER: Can Mills survive without Boon, gin without tonic?

LOVEJOY: Jekyll without Hyde?

Oh, look, there he is.

PULVER: Mrs. Bailey and the Bailey-ettes, I take it.

LOVEJOY: Perfect family man.

PULVER: They're always the worst.

BAILEY: Thank you, boys.

PULVER: Mr. Bailey?

Yes, morning.

Morning.

I'm Detective Sergeant Pulver.

This is Mr. Dill.

-BAILEY: How do you do?

-TINKER: Morning.

CHARLOTTE: Um, can I help, Sergeant?

Yes, the paperwork for this stuff, all kosher, I take it?

You won't fault me, Sergeant.

Every item, description, name and address of the owner, value, credit given, date of the contract.

Mr. Dill, your opinion, please?

George I, walnut, Daniel Delander, £6,000.

PULVER: You gave the owner 1,500 quid.

He must have been desperate.

BAILEY: They always are.

I try to help.

Has someone complained?

PULVER: Not yet.

BAILEY: Just because I make a profit doesn't mean I'm public enemy number one.

TINKER: It's not all profit, you know.

Kinkozan vase?

BAILEY: Yeah, Kinkozan vase, worth £2,000.

TINKER: Worth 2p.

This vase and Japan are complete strangers to each other.

BAILEY: What, a fake?

TINKER: 'Fraid so, old bean.

PULVER: You need an expert more than I do, cock.

We'll have a look round, okay?

BAILEY: Police never bothered us in your father's time.

CHARLOTTE: Really?

BAILEY: Don't worry.

Always trying to catch me out.

They never do.

I'll tell you what I think, shall I?

You've done a deal with Bailey.

What?

PULVER: So where are these Polish relics, then?

They're not in his barn.

They weren't at the auction.

Finding the stuff is your job, surely?

PULVER: Yeah.

Well, as marshal of Suffolk County, I'm deputizing you lot.

Look, you may have something over them, but not over me.

PULVER: You could be up to your neck in it.

You knew I'd show up at the auction.

Maybe you warned him.

That is outrageous, Pulver, for you to accuse me of some conspiracy.

PULVER: Ooh, touchy!

What does that mean, I wonder?

Secrets?

LOVEJOY: Cut the psychology, Arnie.

What do you want?

You -- go back to Sidelski, find out where the stuff goes and how it gets there.

We're getting him a Lada car.

Has your cousin Roderick come up with anything yet?

BETH: Oh, he's working on it.

CHARLOTTE: What's my part in all of this?

PULVER: When Bailey asks you to do another auction, fall over yourself to help.

And what if he doesn't ask?

Oh, he will.

Lovejoy will see to that.

Can I help you?

LOVEJOY: If you can't, I'm in terrible trouble.

Cash flow problems, you know how it is, hmm?

Indeed we do, sir.

Is this the article you'd like us to take a look at?

BAILEY: Morning.

LOVEJOY: Morning.

Yes.

Charlotte Cavendish is a friend of mine.

She put me on to you.

BAILEY: Charlotte?

LOVEJOY: Hmm.

I'm Lovejoy.

Adam Bailey.

I'm strapped.

[ Laughs ] Not anymore, Mr. Lovejoy.

Come in.

Go straight through.

Thanks, Julie.

Take a seat.

LOVEJOY: See, it's a Van Moyen, 1756.

BAILEY: Right.

You've provenance for this?

Hmm.

And it's worth about 15,000.

I don't expect -- BAILEY: Okay.

Do you mind if I phone Charlotte, just as a matter of course?

LOVEJOY: No, no, no, no, you can't be too careful, can you?

Oh!

Bouchet de Roy, eh?

Louis XVI.

[ Line ringing ] Do you know, Mr. Bailey, that he only made -- -BAILEY: Hang on.

-CHARLOTTE: Hello?

Charlotte.

Adam Bailey.

Morning.

Just doing your account.

You did rather well.

BAILEY: Oh, that means you did, too.

Uh, I've got a gentleman here, a Mr., uh...?

LOVEJOY: Lovejoy.

BAILEY: Lovejoy.

I gather you know him?

Know him?

Oh, couldn't live without him -- professionally speaking, that is.

BAILEY: Why's that?

CHARLOTTE: Well, the man's brilliant.

Big dealers come from all over just to get his advice.

BAILEY: Right, thanks.

By the way, I'd like to discuss another auction with you.

I thought we agreed just the one.

Well, you've just told me how well we did.

Bye.

[ Dial tone ] BAILEY: She's a big fan, Mr. Lovejoy.

Yeah?

Oh, sorry, you were saying about the clock?

LOVEJOY: Oh, yes, you know, he only made 12 of these.

BAILEY: So I was told by the man who pawned it and never reclaimed.

LOVEJOY: Lord Bensham.

Yeah.

It's okay.

I sold it to him 10 years ago.

[ Chuckles ] You have dealings with the rich and famous, then?

I did.

Arnie, ha, you give me a break?

Oh, I'd love to.

Round about the fourth vertebrae.

-Hmm.

-How'd it go?

I made contact.

He even gave me 5 grand for a painting worth 3.

Lovejoy, let's get one thing crystal.

This is not a way for you to make money.

Arnie, it's him!

Out the back!

You play this for your own ends, Lovejoy, and I promise you -- LOVEJOY: Arnie, please?

[ Knock on door ] -Bailey!

-Mind if I come in?

-No.

-Thank you.

Listen, Mr. Lovejoy.

I've been checking up on you.

Your record.

Please, no offense -- LOVEJOY: I was in prison, fact.

BAILEY: Which tells me that you see life as I do -- a chance waiting to be taken.

If there's a profit at the end of it.

Believe me, there is, and from the most unlikely places.

[ Chuckles ] It's the home market I'd like your advice on.

You see, pawnbroking is good business, but it's an even better front.

[ Clattering ] LOVEJOY: Oh, that's the uh, the pub dog, I think, scavenging.

Yeah, go on, get out of here!

Go on!

Keep threatening to have him done.

They should.

Go on!

Scarper!

[ Chuckles ] Sorry about that -- Yes, so you were saying -- good business, even better front?

Picture this.

I walk into a house that has wall-to-wall antiques.

Do I know the good stuff from the bad?

No, I don't, so I take the lot.

Which is dangerous.

But what if you came too?

An expert.

LOVEJOY: Yeah, well, stealing is -- has never been the problem, Bailey, it's -- it's selling, it's selling it on, you know, to people like Charlotte, you mean, like, unsuspecting people?

Oh, completely, and at no danger to themselves.

If we find in Land's End, we sell in John O'Groats.

LOVEJOY: Six months later?

BAILEY: Or a year, two, five, maybe.

By which time every piece has its owner on paper.

I paid out to him, he didn't reclaim.

We could make a fortune, Lovejoy, I mean, a fortune.

Sleep on it -- and maybe dream about our first victim.

PULVER: Problems with Bailey?

LOVEJOY: He wants me to rob a house with him.

PULVER: He what?

You heard.

PULVER: This is getting out of hand, brothers.

You seen Sidelski yet?

TINKER: Is he back?

You should've told us.

PULVER: That's "no," is it?

"No, I have not seen Sidelski, I'm dragging my feet."

Now, steady on, young man.

You've already made two grand.

Now you want to go house breaking.

If all else fails, do Bailey for that.

PULVER: Lovejoy, I'm running this show.

Not you, me.

Which house?

I was thinking of Konrad Dekker's.

[ Horn honks ] BETH: Lovejoy.

This is Roderick.

LOVEJOY: Good to meet you, Roderick.

BETH: And this is a Lada.

LOVEJOY: Bursting with design.

BETH: No, they're more functional.

RODERICK: And you're looking not only at a functional car, but a functional car you can afford.

BETH: Save it, Rod, you're talking to King Spiel.

LOVEJOY: Oh, yes, class.

Front seats brown, back seats blue.

RODERICK: There's a reason for that -- safety.

LOVEJOY: And the 12,000 miles on the clock, one careful lady owner, right?

I've got the logbook right here.

-For the front half or the back?

-Pardon me?

Come on, Roderick, we both know this is two wrecks welded together.

RODERICK: So you get two cars for the price of one.

LOVEJOY: He's good, isn't he, eh?

How much?

RODERICK: Two grand.

LOVEJOY: You deserve it for your cheek.

Tell you what, it's a deal if you spray it red and the seats all the same color, hmm?

[ Horse whickers ] BAILEY: All right, darling?

GIRL: Yeah.

BAILEY: [ Chuckles ] Over you go.

Thought any more about my suggestion?

LOVEJOY: Well, I've got a question.

Suppose I decline your offer?

BAILEY: Well, no harm done.

It was only a conversation.

Pity, though.

LOVEJOY: I've only said suppose, didn't say I had.

The drive's about 400 yards long, there's a -- BAILEY: What kind of vehicle do we need?

LOVEJOY: Well, we'll use your Land Rover.

It doesn't matter what we use.

We're coming out of there with a fortune anyway.

BAILEY: What?

You know the people?

His name is Dekker.

Right, and there's an alarm here -- BAILEY: Yeah, I'll see to that.

LOVEJOY: Done this sort of thing before, have you?

BAILEY: [ Laughs ] LOVEJOY: Well, I suggest we move on Friday, which is the 28th.

There's a dealers' bun fight that night in Thetford, and Dekker will be there.

BAILEY: Are you sure?

LOVEJOY: Guest speaker, and his chosen subject is one that he will soon be an expert on -- fine art insurance.

BAILEY: [ Laughs ] CHARLOTTE: Thanks, that was a lovely dinner -- JULIE: Oh, an absolute pleasure.

LOVEJOY: It was, and say hello to the kids.

JULIE: Oh, you made a great hit there, Lovejoy.

BAILEY: Uh, Lovejoy?

Here.

Go on, take it.

LOVEJOY: What?

BAILEY: A gesture -- [ Chuckles ] Between friends.

LOVEJOY: Oh, Adam -- -BAILEY: Go on.

-LOVEJOY: Thank you.

BAILEY: Safe journey.

Good night, Charlotte.

Mind how you go.

CHARLOTTE: Thank you.

LOVEJOY: Thanks again.

I'll talk to you soon.

Yeah.

[ Starts engine ] BAILEY: It's a long drive -- -CHARLOTTE: Bye.

-LOVEJOY: Bye.

BAILEY: Nearly 200 yards.

[ Laughs ] What a great evening.

JULIE: Hmm.

Would you ask him what he's doing here?

CHARLOTTE: [ Sighs ] What are you doing here?

I -- I came to see how it went.

LOVEJOY: [ Sighs ] I can't do it, Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE: What do you mean?

LOVEJOY: I can't set Adam Bailey up.

CHARLOTTE: Just because he gave you back a painting?

He wants to rob houses, Lovejoy.

He steals relics from Poland.

LOVEJOY: He's a nice man with a nice family.

Betrayal does not come easily to me.

Nor me.

LOVEJOY: I'm going to go and see Arnie Pulver tomorrow, call it off, and see what he does.

TINKER: Oh, I know what he'll do, he'll charge us.

LOVEJOY: And whose fault is that, eh?

TINKER: Oh, Charlotte, help, he's got that look in his eye.

LOVEJOY: Why should she help you?

You've dropped her in it, too.

Last week she was a blue chip auction house.

You've changed that, Tink.

TINKER: I'm sorry, Lovejoy, I'm sorry.

CHARLOTTE: Look, he can't keep on apologizing, Lovejoy.

LOVEJOY: Oh, why not?

Go on, say it Tink, keep saying it till I tell you to stop.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, leave him alone!

Oh, don't take it to heart, Tink, I'm sure he doesn't mean it.

[ Seagulls calling ] Captain Sidelski?

SIDELSKI: Ah, the friend of Mr. Cartwright.

TINKER: Look what I've brought for you.

SIDELSKI: Ah.

Now, that is not a red Lada, my friend.

That is a red Lada!

Such a car I pay good moneys for -- £300.

TINKER: [ Laughs ] I didn't know you Poles had such a sense of humor.

SIDELSKI: Oh, we don't.

But you have, I see.

Come, make your joke.

TINKER: 2,500.

SIDELSKI: Oh, that's a very bad joke.

Are you a betting man?

TINKER: You bet.

SIDELSKI: We play for him.

Come!

Check.

SIDELSKI: [ Groans, swears in Polish ] You play a good game, Mr. Dill.

You do to them what they cannot do in three years.

Na zdrowie.

Best of three, perhaps?

What did we say, 2,000?

TINKER: 2,500.

BAILEY: Mr. Dill?

The expert?

TINKER: Mr. Bailey.

Your money, Captain.

You won't stay for our drink?

BAILEY: Not this time.

See you next month.

Mr. Dill, just a moment, please?

TINKER: Uh, yes, Mr. Bailey, what can I do for you?

BAILEY: Last time we met, you had a policeman with you, Detective Sergeant Pulver.

TINKER: That's right.

BAILEY: Today here you are with my supplier.

-What am I supposed to think?

-Small world.

Today you're not working for the police?

-No, no.

-Then who are you working for?

TINKER: Nobody.

Myself.

Doing what?

Sidelski -- I sold him a car.

But your field is antiques.

TINKER: It was an old car.

No, no, I asked him if he had any antiques to sell that you didn't want.

Are you moving in on me?

You're beginning to sweat, Mr. Dill.

It's the gin.

And I haven't been too well.

Oh, dear.

Let me make something perfectly clear to you.

Sidelski supplies me and only me.

I understand.

BAILEY: I wish I could be absolutely sure that you did.

Mm.

SIDELSKI: A lift, Mr. Dill?

BAILEY: Oh, it's okay, I'll take him.

TINKER: Well, this relieves much angst.

CHARLOTTE: Business as usual, then?

BETH: Whatever usual is.

CHARLOTTE: Lovejoy, I've been thinking.

What actually will Pulver do if you don't cooperate?

LOVEJOY: Oh, nothing.

If Arnie knows one thing it's when to quit.

CHARLOTTE: In spite of wanting Bailey?

LOVEJOY: Why are you so keen to nail this guy, Charlotte, eh?

He's just trying to put some business your way.

CHARLOTTE: Yes.

LOVEJOY: Oh, would you ask him how it went, Beth?

CHARLOTTE: Oh, God, they're not still at that, are they?

BETH: How did it go?

TINKER: Tell him money-wise, it went okay.

Money-wise, it's okay.

TINKER: Tell him otherwise, I'm not so sure.

BETH: Otherwise, he's not so sure.

No, tell him otherwise, I am sure.

Cancel that, he is sure.

TINKER: Tell him I think Bailey threatened me.

Tell him that's rubbish.

TINKER: Tell him how does he know?

He wasn't even there.

Tell him he's playing for sympathy.

Tinker, will you please tell us what's happened?

Bailey recognized me at the sale, asked me what I was after, who I was working for, and to get off his patch.

Ask him to show us the bruises.

TINKER: Tell him it didn't get that far.

I was saved by a Lada.

Another two minutes, and I'd have been cat food.

LOVEJOY: Poor cat!

[ Purrs ] CHARLOTTE: You didn't believe him?

Oh, the old fool's just trying to get some more sympathy, not to mention Adam Bailey banged up.

Listen, Lovejoy, Bailey isn't all sweetness and light, you know.

LOVEJOY: Oh, and we are, I suppose, eh?

CHARLOTTE: Bailey and my dad had an understanding.

Sam used to auction the unreclaimed stuff, only it wasn't unreclaimed, it was nicked.

Sam pawned a piece of furniture with Bailey, a piece which didn't belong to him, and when Bailey found out, he had him over a barrel.

He put Dad on his list of auctioneers.

What, and said to you, like, you know, "One -- once more for old times' sake, otherwise I'll tell this story to everybody," is that it?

Not exactly, but that's what he meant, so I agreed.

Well, just the once.

And then the other day he asked me again.

And you said...?

CHARLOTTE: "No."

So did he blackmail you or not, Charlotte?

No.

No, well, I'm not going to grass somebody up for just trying to put some business your way, am I?

[ Scoffs ] Beth!

I'm off to the cop shop.

PULVER: Knocked off his bike?

What do you mean?

Well, where, for God's sake?

Call me back.

Sarge, Lovejoy wants a word.

PULVER: It's all right, I know what it's about.

-LOVEJOY: You do?

-PULVER: Tinker.

Now, take this or leave it, Lovejoy, but I'm sorry -- LOVEJOY: No, Tinker be damned.

I came round to tell you I wasn't going to set up Adam Bailey for you.

Tink?

Just a second.

I ask the questions.

What do you mean it's off?

No, no, no, tell me now about Tinker.

PULVER: Someone's knocked him off his bike, hit and run.

Relax, we're on to it.

Now, what do you mean it's off?

Where is he?

PULVER: He's okay.

It looks worse than it is.

Take me to him now!

PULVER: What am I, a taxi?

LOVEJOY: Yep!

[ Monitor beeping ] LOVEJOY: You prat.

Look at the state of you.

It's in my caravan, under the bed.

What?

An old tin box, Lovejoy, there's some things in it with my will.

Oh, leave it out, Tink.

Oh, no, Lovejoy, I'm not long for this world, and I don't want to leave you feeling bad.

Who's to say I would?

I've left everything to you.

Well, I -- I tried to change it when we weren't speaking to each other, but who else is there?

LOVEJOY: How much?

Blimey, Lovejoy, there's a time and a place!

Before you go, Tink, who did this to you?

Sidelski?

No, no, no, Bailey.

PULVER: Didn't I say?

Family man, always the worst.

LOVEJOY: I came round to see you to tell it was off with Bailey.

It's on again, tomorrow night.

BAILEY: Well?

LOVEJOY: Come on.

LOVEJOY: I'll choose, you wrap.

BAILEY: Any good?

LOVEJOY: Pierre-Jules Mêne.

BAILEY: How much, do you reckon?

LOVEJOY: Rough guess -- 100 grand.

BAILEY: [ Laughs ] Two hours!

Some people work a lifetime for that.

I'd slow down on this road, Adam.

Bit dangerous.

Old geezer got knocked off his bike round here the other day.

Don't think I told you.

I have this Polish connection, religious stuff.

I trade it on through a bloke in Birmingham.

Does he give you a good price?

Well, as a matter of fact, I was gonna ask you about that sometime.

Now maybe?

Mind if we take the long way home?

No.

BAILEY: I pick the stuff up at sea, way up the coast, different place every time, and I bring it here.

Where exactly are we?

Morton's Wharf, Great Furlow.

Is the guy screwing me?

No, as a matter of fact, he's giving you a good price.

But why the canal boat?

Police think if you steal something, you get rid of it quick.

Planes, cars, helicopters.

Yeah, they wouldn't suspect something going at 4 miles an hour all the way to Birmingham.

BAILEY: Exactly.

LOVEJOY: You're a class act, Bailey.

BAILEY: Lights, Lovejoy, by the door.

PULVER: I love this moment.

It's called job satisfaction.

Why?

LOVEJOY: The old boy you knocked off his bike -- friend of mine.

Hey, why isn't this man behind bars?

First he robs my gallery, then my house!

What next, my very soul?

Where would I find it, Konnie?

This way, Mr. Dekker, we'd like you to identify the pieces.

And why isn't he in chains?

Why's he drinking coffee and not hemlock?

LOVEJOY: Careful, Croft, he's waxing poetic.

This way, Mr. Dekker.

DEKKER: What about flogging?

Branding with a hot iron?

CROFT: Calm down, sir, calm down.

LOVEJOY: Beth, it's me.

Just listen to me.

Morton's Wharf, Great Furlow.

Yeah, I want you to meet me there in half an hour.

What do you mean, you've got this stuff but you don't know where it is?

PULVER: We've got Bailey.

He's not talking, but he will.

Now go find a corner and do a crossword or something, okay?

Lovejoy, get off that bloody phone and come here.

I want a full statement from you, everything you know about Bailey.

Yeah, I'll bet you do.

Sit down.

I said sit -- LOVEJOY: You're forgetting something, Arnie -- I want all the paperwork on a certain break-in at a certain gallery and everything you have on Tink.

Right, you've got it.

Well, not now, Lovejoy.

There are people to see, wrinkles to smooth out.

LOVEJOY: Fine.

Give me a shout.

You know where I am, Arnie.

PULVER: Lovejoy!

TINKER: Just a little steamed fish followed by a bowl of rice pudding will do, Lovejoy.

LOVEJOY: No can do, Tink, you'll have to settle for beef stroganoff and a double brandy.

That'll do nicely, thank you.

LOVEJOY: Grub up!

CHARLOTTE: Uh, we're not sharing ours.

LOVEJOY: Well, do you want to sit down and watch us eat, Arnie?

PULVER: Not stopping.

One box of erotic antiques plus relevant paperwork.

CROFT: And the gear you nicked from Dekker you wanted to see.

PULVER: We're quits.

LOVEJOY: Well, I wouldn't say quits, Arnie, but -- PULVER: It's all over.

Bailey just told us where to find the Polish gear.

LOVEJOY: Good.

TINKER: And Sidelski?

PULVER: Can't touch him.

That's okay, I liked him.

CHARLOTTE: So where did Bailey hide this Polish stuff?

PULVER: On a barge, of all places.

Customs are dealing with it, thank God.

LOVEJOY: Well, they'll never find it.

PULVER: Why not?

Lovejoy, I said, why not?

LOVEJOY: I've got it.

Oh, not here, Arnie, don't be daft.

So what do you think?

TINKER: Like you said, Lovejoy, every now and again there's a piece that you could kill for.

LOVEJOY: [ Chuckles ] I tell you what, Arnie, I'll make you a deal.

I'll tell you where the Polish stuff is if I can hang on to this.

Oh, yeah?

What do I tell Dekker?

I don't care what you tell him.

But then you can arrest him for nicking a police car while you went in to buy a pack of fags.

TINKER: Fifteen years ago.

You're kidding!

Same piece?

Same geezer?

[ Laughs ] You don't half keep a grudge going.

Fifteen years!

[ Laughs ] I hope I never get into your bad books.

I'm not, am I?

What, you, Arnie?

No chance.

-PULVER: Come on.

-CROFT: What?

PULVER: Box, out, come on, let's go.

Come on.

LOVEJOY: So, any suggestions?

CHARLOTTE: What about?

LOVEJOY: How to get back at Pulver.

Perfect.