♪ [siren wailing] Officer> 114 to County Dispatch.

♪ [siren wailing] There was a domestic disturbance at 18... ♪ ♪ Narrator> Why do women stay?

That's the age-old question when it comes to domestic abuse.

Why doesn't she leave?

But the more practical question should be how can men be stopped.

What's the pattern of an abuser?

Why do batterers get away with it?

Kathryn Barnett> If a man knows that he can do that once and get away with it... he may feel guilty later and feel some regret about doing that, but he got away with it.

Especially if the legal system wasn't involved.

So typically, he uses that as a tension reliever.

You know, the feelings escalate, the anger gets... more and more out of control, and he strikes out, and he beats again.

Narrator> Studies show a man who beats a woman once will do it again and again, and the beatings will worsen over time.

Lt.

Jeff Valentine> Over a period of time, it tends to get more and more violent.

It may start with pushing and shoving and then actual hitting.

And unfortunately, sometimes it is lethal.

♪ Narrator> In 2004, 37 women in South Carolina were shot, stabbed, strangled, run off the road, and beaten to death... all, according to batterers, in the name of love, all victims of domestic violence.

Mickey White> Most of the women who are killed have left their batterer.

Not all, but most, and that's a big signal there.

We've got to say whatever it takes to hold these people accountable for their behavior and put these women where they cannot be harmed and that an order of protection isn't just a piece of paper.

We hear that all the time.

No, it's a true order, and if you defy it, you're going to go to jail for a year.

We need to make the sentence ♪ fit the crime.

♪ Carl> What it cost me?

Uh, it cost me a lot of, um... trust with people, a lot of trust within me too.

I never--you know, when I was in high school, somebody said, "Who wants to grow up and be arrested for CDV?"

I didn't raise my hand up and say, "Oh, oh, me!"

(silence) Narrator> But he was arrested for criminal domestic violence and court-ordered to attend a batterers' program or go to jail.

We'll call him Carl because he wants his identity concealed.

Carl> Well, I thought it was a better agreement than trying to deal with the charge, but I still had some denials of whether it was warranted to even attend the class.

So that was still a difficult struggle for me to come to, to cope with that.

Narrator> Like most batterers, Carl blamed everyone else.

Carl> A self-defensive mechanism sort of kicks in at that time, where I wasn't going to deal with the feelings.

So it's not my fault; it's everybody else's fault.

And it's not me that has a problem; it's somebody else that has a problem.

And then, once again, I'll take care of it.

Dr.

Roger Rhoades> When you try to seek power and control by pressuring other people or reacting in some way that might be interpreted as abusive... Narrator> Dr.

Roger Rhoades works with about 100 batterers a week in a court-ordered batterers' treatment program.

He says abusers are good at making excuses.

Dr.

Rhoades> I think one or the things that you see in batterers is that sense that they're the victim.

Batterers very much see themselves as being put upon, done to.

It's, they're the good guy, everybody else is the bad guy, that they've gotten kind of the bad break in life.

Or if you're giving out, so to speak, in life, everybody gets a portion but them.

They seem to see themselves as the givers and the doers and that things are done upon them.

So that's a real big aspect of that kind of sense of victim.

Narrator> Counselor Kathryn Barnett also works with batterers.

She says it's tough to make them accept responsibility.

Barnett> They're in denial and see themselves as being victimized.

They get angry and strike out at their partner, but then it's like, "She made me do it," "It was her fault," and often when they're arrested, they can't understand why they were arrested because their denial is so extreme.

Narrator> After 20-plus years of verbal and physical abuse, Mary Lou Paschal's husband had convinced her everything was her fault, that she was nothing.

She took an overdose of pills because her husband told her to.

Victim advocates helped save her life.

Mary Lou Paschal> I probably would be dead now.

I don't think I could have made it.

I wasn't strong enough at that point.

I really believed that I was a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and that my family would be better off without me.

♪ Jennifer Wells> What I've learned about batterers is that the majority of them are con artists.

Um... They conned this lady, this victim, this woman into believing that they care about her and that they love her and that they're doing all these things that lead up to the battering because they care about her so much and nobody loves her as much as he does.

They con her, they con her, and then once she's under his control and he is exerting his power over her, that's when the battering begins.

Narrator> For more than four years, Spartanburg Assistant Circuit Solicitor, Jennifer Wells has taken batterers to court as a violence against women prosecutor.

Wells> Most people believe not only that batterers are lower class; they believe they're poor.

I would say a majority of people think that batterers, you know-- I hate to say things like this, but I'm going to say it-- they either think that they're White trash, they're poor Blacks, they live in the projects.

It's not true.

In this county, I've prosecuted batterers from every single-- I can't think of a neighborhood that I haven't prosecuted a batterer out of.

I've prosecuted doctors, nurses, teachers, you name it... people who go to work wearing coat and tie.

Narrator> Mary Lou Paschal stayed in her abusive relationship because her husband was a minister.

Interviewer> He was presenting one face to everyone else and then a different one at home?

Mary Lou Paschal> Right, and that's another reason that made it hard to leave because you think your husband's supposed to love you and care about you and is supposed to want what's best for you.

So when he was telling me that I was stupid or that I was horrible, then I was thinking it's got to be true because here my husband is telling me this, so I've got to find ways to get it right.

And not only was my husband telling me this, but my husband, the minister.

So then I'm thinking it's got to be true because why would this be happening, why would a minister tell me these things if it's not true.

I grew up very involved in my church, very much aware of the vows I made when we were married, and really believed the part "till death do us part."

Narrator> Jennifer Wells says another misconception about batterers is drug use.

Jennifer> People also think batterers are drunks or drug addicts and that they only hit people because they're drunk or because they're a drug addict, and the drinking or the addiction makes them somehow makes them do that.

That's not true.

If somebody's a drunk and they're a batterer, then they've got two problems.

They don't have one that causes the other.

Narrator> She says batterers are good at conning the women in their lives and juries.

Jennifer> I think batterers get away with it for a number of different reasons.

One, because they are accomplished con artists, and they've spent their life talking people into doing things they want them to do and talking people out of things that they don't want to have to do.

So they're good at getting their own way, and they know how to talk to people, including juries, about those things, and they can talk a victim into lying for them, no matter what the consequences might be to her.

Narrator> Wells says the recent battering death of a college friend underscored the fact it can happen in any household.

(silence) Jennifer> Her husband beat her to death with a shovel.

And, um...she was she worked for a law firm in Greenville.

She was accomplished.

She had her Ph.D.

from MUSC.

I mean, I have cold chills right now talking about it because it was one of those cases where people actually said to me, knowing that our office was handling it, said, "Well, Jenny, that means it could happen to anybody."

I was like, "It took it to happen to Liz for you to realize that?"

I mean, it can, It can happen to anybody.

(silence) I have seen... you know, women beaten with a... you know, a belt... so I mean beaten...so badly that she was swollen for weeks and just, you know, marks across-- pictures you can't even imagine.

And then the women that come up and say, "Well, it was my fault.

"You know,... it's my fault he hit me.

"I didn't do what he asked me to do."

Or the women who come and tell stories about, "I have to turn in my gasoline receipts "to him when I go home," or "He makes me call him every day when I leave work", and then he times me, and then I have to call him when I get home if he's not already there, and then if he thinks that I have not-- if I had an accident, then I'm pretty sure I'm probably going to get beaten."

Narrator> She says for some batterers, penalties won't make a difference.

Jennifer> You see the guys with the dual problem of the substance abuse problem and then a battering issue.

You see guys where it is purely control, and they, those are the ones with the-- they want to keep the receipts.

They follow her to her job.

They come on her job.

Those are the ones that, probably the penalties will never make a difference to, but unfortunately that's a majority of them.

♪ Carl> I have a story to share, and that's to help other people as they come along, and that's why I'm here.

♪ Narrator> Carl's story begins in the agricultural fields of the South, where he and his migrant family worked hard and moved often.

Carl> I can't say that I had a bad family life.

But it was difficult growing up, working in the cotton fields, parents that both worked.

Weekends was a relief time for my father to drink and relax and do his effort to cope with the stresses that he had, and my mother ended up coping with a lot of aggression.

Narrator> Carl says he grew up in an isolated environment where it was almost shameful to seek help.

Carl> I do remember my mom going to churches and asking for help because we were financially having some difficult times, to clothe us and stuff like that.

But I don't remember going out and just getting help for other reasons... you know, to deal with family issues or to deal with raising children.

When I became an adult, I took those tools-- or lack of tools is what the case might be-- with me, and even though I graduated college with honors, that was book smarts.

It didn't teach me for raising children or being a husband or growing up in the world.

Narrator> Dr.

Roger Rhoades says an abusive environment can be a predictor of domestic abuse.

Dr.

Rhoades> The number one thing that makes a person a batterer is background.

Most fruit does not fall far from the tree.

Most batterers have been part of a battering situation or some type of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, sexual abuse, you will see some element of that in most battering backgrounds.

Narrator> Another predictor is alcohol, a drug John says he turned to, to help him cope.

Carl> I started using drugs as my coping skills to deal with stress and difficulties, and that was, um-- and I consider alcohol a drug too-- and that didn't help the environment, didn't help the situation... ...of the beginning of the end for our marriage and me being arrested.

That started a very explosive, um... yelling conversation that I initiated, and that continued.

And then there was a pull-away from her, trying to spend less time with me and keep the children away from me, and that made me become even angrier.

Valentine> People think alcohol is to blame or drugs, and most of the time when we respond, there is some type of alcohol or drug situation going on, but it's less about the substance abuse and more about the power and control.

Narrator> Counselor Kathryn Barnett says batterers don't want to talk about feelings.

Barnett> I think with a lot of these guys that things they have heard and seen in the home heavily influenced the way they think and believe.

I've had guys who say, "Well, when I was growing up, "a woman's place was in the home.

"A woman knew her place."

And I think a lot of that goes back to, um, you know, the cultural and legal principle of treating your wife as chattel.

It's like they have a right to tell her what to do.

♪ Mickey> What it costed me... trust in male relationships.

I've never dated since.

I've never remarried.

But I did that mainly because I never wanted to expose my children again.

We needed to heal.

We needed time to break the cycle.

I came out of an abusive home myself.

My husband did as well.

That is so cyclical.

You talked about the cycle.

The biggest cycle is the generational one.

That's where we learn how we behave in relationships.

♪ Narrator> Mickey White literally had to leave her home state and sever ties to her hometown to get away from a long-term abusive relationship.

Mickey> My battering took place over a 13-year period.

It was severe.

And I was very fortunate to be able to walk away and to be alive.

Narrator> Ironically a former victims' advocate, today she works with batterers at a state-certified domestic batterers program.

Mickey> My thinking had changed because I now had three children who had been exposed to that violence, and two of them were boys.

And my thoughts began to change on that, that it really is a family problem, and that if we don't address that within the children who have been exposed to it, the stats say they are 600 times more likely for instance to batter themselves.

Narrator> Mickey says she has her own version of the abuser's power-and-control cycle because she lived it.

Mickey> There's this period of time I call it the "homework" of the batterer, to feel out his victim and to find out what makes her tick and what hurts her, what's important to her, where he can support her.

They are usually described as, you know, the sweetest, kindest human being I ever met, the one that made me feel the most special, the one who gave me all the attention, who made me think he was my knight in shining armor prior to the abuse starting.

Narrator> Dr.

Roger Rhoades agrees and says if someone looks too good to be true, he probably is.

Dr.

Rhoades> Here's another real good sign of a lot of batterers.

I'm glad that it came to my mind is that they are great at romancing, the initial romancing.

They will put the full-court press on.

When they meet someone-- I can't tell you how many women have told me, "Gosh, when I met him, he was charming.

"He was wonderful.

He bought me flowers.

"He took me everywhere.

He was wonderful.

"He never touched me.

"He was just the most gallant, "romantic guy I'd ever met, "and he just wouldn't give me "a moment's rest.

"He'd call me.

"He just showed all kinds of interest, and I thought, "Oh, my goodness, he's the one.

"And then I married him, "and we went home... "and he did a 180.

"All of a sudden, "this person I had never seen "throughout my courtship "was now abusing me."

Narrator> Mickey says when the violence starts, the abuser always says... Mickey> "I'm sorry, but..." or "I did it, but I would have not done it if you had not..." So they never take full responsibility for what they do, and they have slowly but surely got the victim to believe, got her to a point where she will believe, that she is really is the one responsible for his pain.

Then they immediately turn around and honeymoon you.

I tell guys in group all the time, you know "I know you recognize the honeymoon "when I describe it "because the flowers come, "there's breakfast in bed.

"The sex gets good again."

That's how you know because that's what batterers do.

They turn on the charm, and they're so sorry that it ever happened.

"I'll never do it again."

And these women love these men, and they want to believe that that's going to happen, and they want to believe that it really will change.

And for a short period of time, it does change.

He will do whatever it takes to assure her, to keep her in the relationship, until he sees that she's there again and committed to staying.

But what signal that sends is that I can do this and get away with it.

So the next time that it happens, it's escalated a little more.

Because now the violence is a little greater and let me see if I can push you to this level, and then I just honeymoon you again.

So the cycle starts right back over again.

♪ Dr.

Rhoades> What we see, what we grow up with has a profound effect on us.

The messages we receive, the messages that are reinforced, about that "women are objects," that "women should," " all women," these are the kind of things you will hear batterers say all the time.

They tend to generalize the population.

>> You're never home!

You don't do what I ask you to do.

Narrator> Batterers assume macho roles.

They see women as inferior and less intelligent.

Mary Lou says she should have seen the warning signs when she and her husband were college sweethearts.

Paschal> It started then too that he would tell me, "You're not as smart as I am."

I was getting a degree in elementary education.

"So you know, smart people don't do that.

If you were smart, you would be working with adults and not children."

And so it started that... I guess little by little that he started making me feel like I wasn't smart enough to be on my own and that I needed somebody to tell me what to do and how to do it.

Narrator> Batterers have strong beliefs about traditional roles, a woman's place, in the home, in society.

Rhoades> "All women are users."

"All women are witches."

"All women spend money and don't do anything."

"All women are out to get "whatever they want."

"All women will use sex to get what they want."

Again, they're putting this all in a general, all-inclusive thing because that objectifies women, and when you then try to go up against that and say, " All women?

Wait a minute...you mean no other woman would do that?"

They don't want to hear that.

They will stand fast to the idea that, you know, "the women I know, "all the women I've ever been around with," and that's just distorted belief that reinforces their lifestyle.

It is not the truth.

It's the truth they've chosen that makes it okay for them to do what they do, which is dysfunctional.

♪ >> What you learn is... Narrator> Legal experts and counselors agree education plays a critical role in stopping batterers and breaking the cycle of violence.

Dr.

Rhoades> Most batterers, unless they hit something like this, have such adaptive behavior that they're going to keep on doing it 'cause it works.

Why...if it ain't broken, don't fix it, and they don't see abusing as a broken issue.

Abusers don't see that, even when they're court-ordered in.

Our program lasts 26 weeks.

That's six months.

On an average, it takes 13 weeks, heck, three months, for a batterer even to begin to think about a different approach.

And that's seeing them every week, every week, telling them every week.

Three months later is about the time.

For three months they're able to hold their breath and maintain that they believe the truth.

And then there are some people, I don't care if we had them here ten years, they would believe what they believe.

This is the way it is.

This is the way I've been taught.

This is the truth.

You're, you know full of it.

There's nothing you can teach me.

And for those, I'm sorry, that's why we - I tell them in the class, I say, "Thank God for the penal system."

Barnett> I think it starts with education, teaching young boys that it's okay to have feelings, it's okay to talk about your feelings, because so many of these guys, it's like when you try to get them to talk about feelings, they'll look at each other, "Well, I don't have any feelings.

Do you have any feelings?"

And they make a big joke out of it.

Jennifer> I think the answer is education.

I don't think that we as law enforcement have made enough of an effort to proactively stop domestic violence.

We have prosecuted it.

We've done everything we can on the back end.

I think now, we've got to make a commitment to on the front end to educate children about what domestic violence is, to tell them that they can say no to that type of behavior, and also so they can learn because they learn from their parents, and sometimes at home that's what they see.

They need to know that's not appropriate behavior.

♪ The community has to step up and say we're not going to tolerate it.

And that... I think once we do that, we'll start to see the end of domestic violence, as we know it today.

I'm not saying it will ever be gone.

I'm not saying I will ever be out of business.

But I think we'll stop the numbers that we see ♪ will start to go down.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (Slam)