- [Announcer] "Nightmare Theatre" is made possible in part by The Fish House, a great Southern restaurant, supporting arts, entertainment, and local culture since 1998.

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Pensacon brings celebrities, artists, authors, and more together each February in Pensacola, Florida.

For more information, visit pensacon.com.

(soft music) (thunder crashing) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in two ♪ ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ ♪ On Nightmare Theatre ♪ - Listen up, jive Turkey.

It was bad, but it wasn't all bad.

The '70s were indeed a wild and wooly time.

It was a time of disco music and pet rocks, moon boots, leisure suits, CB radios, people wore bell bottoms with plastic combs in their back pockets, plaid pantsuits with huge lapels.

I mean, I had several of those myself.

Oh, oh, and punk rock.

That was great.

But the best thing about the '70s was this.

It was the pinnacle of human and primate alliance.

No, I'm serious about this.

Now listen, human and primates teamed up together like never before.

There was "BJ and the Bear."

What, what?

No, it was, it was a chimpanzee named Bear, not a real bear.

They drove around in a big truck getting into all sorts of shenanigans.

There was also the "Every Which Way But Loose" movies.

Clint Eastwood traveled around with a bigger orangutan named Clyde.

They got into fights with bikers and generally caused all kinds of mischief.

Clyde could actually perform some complex mechanical repairs.

Once he removed the engine from Clint's truck and fixed it all by himself.

Man and primate were equals on TV and in the movies.

The future was bright.

In fact, some futurists claimed the monkey would replace the dog as man's best friend.

They swore every Thanksgiving after the Macy's parade, we'd all watch The National Monkey Show instead of that boring dog show.

(sighing) But sadly it was too good to last.

Primates and humans had too many creative differences, so, there were so many problems and too many issues like what's the right way to peel a banana or is it okay to groom a friend at a dinner table while company is over, and sadly it all ended.

Sure, there was a brief resurgence in the '90s, with films like "Monkey Trouble", "Ed", and "Dunston Checks In", but it was never the same.

The golden age was over.

The day of the locust was at hand.

I, for one, long for the days when a man and monkey could unite as equals.

Wait, wait, we're on.

We'll talk more about this later.

Remind me to tell you about the great Lancelot Link.

Hello, my friends, and welcome once again to "Nightmare Theatre."

I am your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren, and here with me is Mittens the Werewolf.

We were just discussing man's true best friend, the monkey, as we sit and wait for everyone's worst friend, El Sapo de Tempesto, to show up with tonight's movie.

He really ought to be here by now.

I'm not sure where he could have gotten off- - Hey, hey, hey fellas.

Here I am.

- And a bad night gets worse.

- Hey, when I came in were you guys talking about ape movies?

- We were.

We were not talking to you, however, only about you, and ape movies.

- Oh I love ape movies.

You know, my favorite one was "Incident on Ape Mountain."

- That's not a real movie.

And why do you have that stupid thing on your head?

- It is raining cats and frogs and rats and dogs out there, worse than Noah's ark got rain.

- What, what were you doing out in the rain?

- Well, I was up on the roof and I was taking down the washing, and it started to rain.

There was lightning left and right, and right and left and I didn't know what to do.

So I climbed up onto the antenna to look for an escape route.

- Wait, wait, you climbed up onto a metal antenna in the middle of a storm.

Do you know how dangerous that is?

- I do now.

And while I was up there, I found a bunch of vultures nesting.

Well, the nest was empty except for a bunch of eggs.

- You didn't steal a vulture egg, did you?

- No, but it wasn't for lack of trying.

Then the vultures came back and I will tell you this, vultures in real life aren't like the ones in the cartoon.

They were mad, at yours, truly.

- Look, Jack Hannah.

That's a wonderful story.

But do you have a movie for tonight?

- No.

But I found this buried under one of the eggs.

Can you show it while I run, look for a movie.

By the way, they didn't put up a fight about this.

I think they were glad to see it go.

I bet it had bad things to say about vultures or something.

Oh, gotta go.

- I already know what this is.

I don't even have to look at the can.

It's gonna be "Flash Gordon, Chapter Seven, The Land of the Dead".

Now seven is normally considered to be a lucky number, but not in this case.

In fact, it just might be the unluckiest number of all.

Believe it or not, however, there are a few good things in this one.

There's a dragon.

There's also the rock men, and boy are they a bunch of weirdos.

They make El Sapo look normal.

There's also their mysterious language.

Spoiler alert.

It's just regular speech played backwards.

In fact, if you reverse it and play it properly, they're saying, "I did not agree to be in this thing.

I'm being held against my will.

Please call the police and my agent."

(sighing) Let's just get to it, folks.

Here's chapter seven of "Land of the dead."

(grand orchestral music) (thunder crashing) (dramatic orchestral music) - [Narrator] Chapter Seven.

Ming has his daughter Princess Aura removed from Barin's kingdom, which he is going to destroy with a fiery projectile.

Flash, to defeat Ming's purpose, takes off with Dale and Ronal in a ship equipped with Zarkov's untested Thermal Control, constructed to combat the effects of Ming's fiendish invention.

Dale and Ronal, operating the control from the ship, watch Flash, in a fireproof uniform, fighting his way into the blazing inferno as the first projectile falls.

The thermal control resists the terrific temperature, but suddenly the intense heat melts a connection.

The control fails and... (dramatic orchestral music) (fire crackling) (lightning zaps) - Oh, it's failed.

(explosion booming) It failed, he'll be killed!

- Overload it and burn out the connection.

- (screams) Oh!

(dramatic orchestral music) (explosion booming) He's alive.

He's alive, he's coming back.

- I'll get Zarkov.

(suspenseful orchestral music) Calling Prince Barin's palace.

Calling Prince Barin's palace.

(triumphant music) - Oh, Flash!

(menacing music) - [Flash] Calling Prince Barin's palace.

Calling Prince Barin's palace.

- Dr. Zarkov, calling Flash Gordon.

Dr. Zarkov, answering Flash Gordon.

- Hello, Zarkov?

Your counter-thermal is a success, Sir.

We've extinguished the projectile.

Let us know where any more of the projectiles fall.

It works perfectly.

We still have two more units.

- That's splendid, Flash.

Two more projectile's have fallen.

(engine buzzing) The locations are two- (explosion booming) (explosion booming) (flames crackling) - Zarkov, Dr. Zarkov!

There was an explosion.

The connections gone.

Zarkov!

- Your Highness!

A Ming bomber is over the palace.

- Controllers will take care of it, they've been warned.

- I'll have this prepared in a moment, Your Highness, if that bomber doesn't score another bullseye.

(engine buzzing) - You made a direct hit though.

Close to the wall of the laboratory.

I can see the flash when the bomb struck.

There's one of Barin's ships coming.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Two more coming in from above.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - They're surrounding us!

(engine buzzing) - Zarkov speaking.

- Yes, sir.

Yes, go ahead, Doctor.

- One of Ming's ships have bombed us.

The patrols have driven it off.

- Good, now tell us where those projectiles have fallen.

- One of the projectiles fell about 30 miles west of- (engines buzzing) (suspenseful orchestral music) - (screams) We're going to crash!

- [Torch] I want to make it look like a crash so they won't follow us down.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - A clear hit, Branch.

The last shot finished them.

(menacing music) (buttons clicking) - Calling Prince Barin's castle.

Calling Prince Barin's castle.

Enemy ship met and destroyed.

That is all.

(engine buzzing) (suspenseful orchestral music) - [Torch] Tom, get our location.

- My plan is failing.

Projectiles are being extinguished as soon as they strike.

- Your Majesty must remember that Dr. Zarkov is with Prince Barin.

The Doctor's a clever man.

He may have discovered some means of defense against you.

- The counteracting force is known only to myself.

But you, Carls, you knew and you were alone in my laboratory with Dr. Zarkov before he escaped.

If you dared but trade any of my secrets to him, I'll- - Captain Torch is calling from Alborea, Your Majesty.

- Get Alborea.

- Yes, Sire.

(trumpet music) - Yes, Your Majesty.

We found Prince Barin's power plant.

We were attacked, he wants to land.

- You have failed.

Zarkov is extinguishing our projectiles as fast as they land.

- You Majesty, we dropped the bombs directly.

- Get into Prince Barin's castle, by any way that you can devise.

Learn what the plans are and report to me.

The lives of all of you, are staked upon this venture.

- There's no need of all of us going.

The ship has to be repaired before we can make our escape.

- That's right.

I can repair the damage while you go to the castle.

(suspenseful music) - And you believe this instrument would be effective in an attack upon Ming?

- Unquestionably.

The difficulty is, that in launching its neutralizing cartridge, the gun destroys itself.

And the explosion releases a poisonous gas, that will destroy all life over a wide area.

- Oh, but it's- - Of course, it'll have to be operated by a fuse.

- Well, if the gun will do what you claim for it, we'll overcome the objection.

- How Barin?

- There's a desolate stretch of uninhabited land to the west of Ming's capitol, called the Land of the Dead, to which you might transport the gun and direct it upon the castle.

- Your Highness's pardon, but would not such a course endanger the life of the Princess Aura?

- Thanks for considering the safety of the Princess, Roko, but she's not in immediate danger.

Sarkov's instrument, as he explained it, has a powerful magnetic action designed to paralyze Ming's power plant, so as to render his ships and guns useless.

- Flash, Flash?

I just caught part of a message from Ming on the short wave set.

- From Ming?

- Well, I'm sure it was the voice of Ming.

But I caught only a few words.

He said, "The lives of all of you are staked upon this venture."

I waited, but he said nothing more.

Do you think it means that we're to be attacked?

(suspenseful music) - Stand there, he'll know you.

- Of course, but I caught his attention for a moment.

- Alright, keep his back to me.

(suspenseful music) - It's necessary that I have wordings with Prince Barin at once.

I will explain everything to His Highness, let me- - You'll go as my prisoner.

Yes, the Prince will see you.

And if I am not mistaken, he'll have you hanged from the hightest turret, for the abduction of Princess Aura.

(suspenseful music) - Quick!

(suspenseful orchestral music) - If Ming is planning an attack, our best defense is to beat him to the punch.

If we can place a neutralizer in the Land of the Dead now, at once.

- Ming must be keeping a strict guard over Aura, or she would have communicated with us before now.

However, ship made ready for the journey.

- There's something about this gun destroying itself that I don't understand.

- The Emperor will be unable to put his spaceships into the air, nor to maintain contact with those already there.

His water supply will be in danger.

- Put up your hands!

Both of you!

- What's this mean?

You should be reported.

- Just a moment, Professor.

This is Captain Torch.

- You have good eyes, Roka.

Now stand aside while I destroy that deadly machine.

- No, no you should not destroy it!

- Suit yourself.

You first, and then the machine.

(explosion booming) (man coughing) (majestic music) - Your Highness wishes to see me?

- We'll not stand on ceremony, Father.

I demand my instant release and return to Prince Barin's domain.

- Since Barin entertains my enemies, the Earthmen, he too, becomes my enemy, and you a hostage.

- Unless you release me at once, Father, Flash Gordon and Dr. Zarkov will return here and pull you from your throne as they did once before.

- As they did once before.

Yet I still survived and still rule the Universe, while they- - Yes, while they?

- Are at this moment headed for certain destruction in a trap that I have prepared for them.

The audience is at an end, Your Highness.

(somber music) (engine buzzing) - Flash, we're not endangering Aura by turning this machine against Ming's palace, are we?

- Why, no, Dale.

You see, it's purpose is to generate a magnetic influence that will paralyze Ming's power plants and weapons of defense.

Making it impossible for him to defend himself against an attack.

- What, what will happen to us in this Land of the Dead that we're heading for?

- I've never been there but I heard tales that at one time is was inhabited by a race of Rockmen that long ago passed into oblivion.

- Look!

A Ming ship!

(engine buzzing) - I think we can beat them off.

- No, Flash.

We dare not risk being hit.

The fate of Alborea is in our hands.

We go into our disappearing stream.

Make a long circuit, approaching the Land of the Dead from the other side.

(engine buzzing):¦ (suspenseful orchestral music) - They're gone, Sir.

- One of Zarkov's disappearing acts again.

Take the controls, Tom.

Captain Torch, calling Emperor Ming.

Captain Torch, calling Emperor Ming.

(somber music) - Alright, Torch, you know their destination.

Your speed ship will get you to the Land of the Dead before them.

When they come, destroy their ship.

Plant your blastic mine in the vicinity of Giant Dome Rock.

It is the only place that Zarkov can direct his new weapon at my palace.

- It shall be done, Your Majesty.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (engine buzzing) - Careful.

- We got enough senzonite there to shatter a convent.

We gotta weigh this mine and be well under the air before Prince Barin's expedition arrives.

- [Man] Better place a guard to warn us in case they get here before we're ready to clear out.

- I'll watch for their ship from that ledge.

(suspenseful music) (Rockmen speaking foreign language) (Rockmen speaking foreign language) (dramatic orchestral music) (speaking foreign language) (engine buzzing) - It's a desolate place.

Well named, the Land of the Dead.

- Those rocks ahead must be the Giant's Dome Rocks.

Set the ship down to them as close as you can.

- [Man] Yes, sir.

(dramatic orchestral music) - [Man] One of Ming's latest developments.

When the ray reaches number five, the blast goes off.

- [Man] Alright, men, cover it up.

(suspenseful orchestral music) That's enough.

We'll find Sonja and get to the ship.

(Rockmen hollering) - [Man] What kind of devils are these?

- [Man 2] Not as bad as the one we planted.

If they don't get us out of here quick, we'll all be blown at 'em.

(engine buzzing) It's Barin.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (Rockmen yelling) - Yes, it is the Giant's Dome.

- Good, we'll get the military on face there at once.

Come on, boys.

- Not so fast.

We must make an inspection first.

Discover some cave where we can take refuge from the poisonous gasses resulting from the discharge.

- That's right, Doctor.

- Your Highness, you remain here with Ron, while we look things over.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - The Land of the Dead.

- This is a dreadful place.

Why those rocks look positively menacing.

- Well, let's get going.

Ming may attack us before we've accomplished our purpose.

(suspenseful music) - [Man] They're right near where we laid the mine.

(suspenseful music) - This is the place.

It isn't so far from the ship.

And there are plenty of caves to take shelter in.

- We won't have any trouble getting our equipment in here.

- [Man] Now, they might find the timer and stop the explosion.

(Rockmen yelling) (suspenseful music) (explosion booming) (triumphant music) - Now that's the way to end this thing.

A big explosion with a sky full of smoke.

Sadly, I think the explosion will not be as bad as it looked.

If I had to guess, I would say every single one of those people are fine.

Maybe even still alive today, sitting in some rocking chair, maybe in an elder care center or hopefully in a prison deeply regretting agreeing to be in this thing.

Speaking of regrets, where is El Sapo?

- Hey fellas, here I am.

And boy, have I found a movie tonight?

- The question is not have you found a movie, the question is, have you found a good movie?

I think all the world can raise a collective hand and answer that question.

- Now, now, now, don't count your chickens until they scratch you.

- What, what, what does that, you know what, nevermind.

Do you have a movie for tonight?

- Do I ever, but before I do that, let me ask you a series of questions.

Do you like romance movies?

- Nope.

- Do you like love stories?

- Nope.

- Romantic comedies.

- Most assuredly, not.

- Stories about monkeys maybe?

- Well, now you have my interest.

Mittens and I were just talking about monkey movies.

- I don't remember that.

- Because you weren't here.

You were late, but we'll deal with that later.

You mentioned monkey movies.

- Yes I did.

And you said you liked them.

What about movies about gorillas?

- Well, gorillas are, I guess, a part of the monkey family.

And wait, did you say romance and gorillas?

- I sure did.

- Mittens, be ready to catch me.

If this is what I think it is, my system is just gonna collapse.

Sapo?

- Mm-hmm.

- Slowly- - Okay.

- Very slowly, tell me the name of this movie.

- It's "Bride of the Gorilla".

- (sighing) Catch me, Mittens.

No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm a professional.

I have faced stronger challenges than this.

I survived that "Police Academy" movie marathon, and I can make it through this.

- So you are happy with tonight's movie.

- Look upon my face, Sapo.

Do I look happy?

- You know, I can never tell.

You got one of them gin rummy faces, and I can never read you, but I think I have known you long enough- - [Baron] Too long to be fair.

- I can say for sure that you are pleased with two tonight's movie.

- No, I am not.

This movie is beyond horrible.

- Oh, oh, oh.

But there has got to be something good about it.

- Nope.

From the opening scene to the closing credits, it's all terrible.

- Now you don't mean that.

Any movie with a gorilla in it can't be that bad.

- This one is.

It's bad with a capital B that rhymes with D, and which stands for dummy, which is what you are for bringing this to me.

- Oh, oh, oh.

So if I'm reading you, you're telling me there is nothing good about this movie right here.

- Nope.

Well maybe except for- - A-ha, Mittens.

I think we have a bingo.

Come on, spill it.

- Okay.

It was directed by Curt Siodmak.

- Now that's gotta be a fake name right there.

- No, he's real - Real good.

- Not as a director.

He directed this movie and other stink bombs like "Ski Fever" and "The Magnetic Monster", and I swear, I'm not making this up, "Love Slaves of the Amazon."

- So what makes him good?

- Well, he excelled as a writer.

He actually wrote the screenplay for the Universal classic, "The Wolf Man."

He also wrote "Earth Versus the Flying Saucers."

- And those were good?

- Classics.

Maybe I'll regale you with more trivia later, but for now let's lace up our gloves and step into the ring with "Bride of the Gorilla" here on "Nightmare theatre."

(dramatic orchestral music) - [Taro] This is jungle.

Lush, green, alive with incredible growth.

As young as day, as old as time.

I, Taro, Police Commissioner of Vintinin County which borders the Amazon River, know it as well as any man will ever know it.

Isn't it beautiful?

But I have also learned that beauty can be venomous, deadly, something terrifying, something of prehistoric ages when monster superstitions rules the minds of men.

Something that has haunted the world for millions of years rolls out of that burnt labyrinth.

Let me tell you how the jungle itself took the law into its own hands.

This was Van Gelder manor.

Built to stand against the searing sun.

Built to shelter generations of Van Gelders.

It also has become prey to the powers of the jungle.

That terrifying strength that arose to punish a man for his card.

(suspenseful music) (upbeat music) - Hello, Barney.

- Good afternoon, Mrs. Van Gelder.

Been an unpleasant day.

Your husband pays me to run his plantation, not to be killed by the heat.

- It's part of the job.

- Rubber's going up in price every day.

I can't get enough workmen.

When I do they run away to go into business for themselves.

Now, when they had slaves.

- Aren't we all slaves?

- Sure.

- Not me, I'm free.

- You call this freedom?

With bars in front of the windows?

- No thank you Larina.

- This is no place for a beautiful woman.

A woman like you ought to travel, wear pretty clothes, have some fun.

Life runs away too fast if you don't hold on to it with both hands.

- My life is here with my husband.

After all he did offer to share his name and his home with me.

- You're confusing gratitude with love, Mrs. Van Gelder.

There are other things much more important.

A woman wants to be loved.

- [Dina] Hello Klaas, hello, Doctor.

- Nice to see you Dina.

- I was looking for you Barney.

You should have been at the warehouse.

- The heat got me down Mr. Van Gelder.

- There was an accident Barney, a man got hurt.

- They always get hurt, that's the chance they take.

- This one died.

He wouldn't have died if you'd been there.

- I can't be in two places at the same time.

- Don't fight before dinner.

- Pardon me Dina.

- White people shouldn't live too long in the jungle.

It brings out their bad side.

Jealousy of his patients.

Klaas isn't well.

I told you, it's his low blood pressure.

You can hardly hear his heart beat.

- I haven't had a chance for quite a while to get that close to his heart.

- Dina, it's his complaint that you neglect him.

You don't understand him.

- Does he try to understand me?

He's only too happy being left alone.

He likes to read his books without me around to bother him.

If you were married you wouldn't act differently wouldn't you, Viet?

- I was married once.

Long ago.

- You wouldn't know either, would you, Barney?

- Come again?

- I was just talking about marriage.

What do you think about marriage?

- Marriage is a contract, a civil contract isn't it?

- It has nothing to do with love?

- It's a relation either of sympathy or of conquest.

But every couple isn't a pair.

- You must have read that some place.

- Sure, everybody knows I can't think of anything clever.

- I too am not clever Barney, but I know where to find wisdom.

Thank you Al-Long.

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked.

Who can know it?

I the Lord to search the heart.

I try the reigns even to give every man according to his ways and according to the fruit of his doings.

- We had a case of smallpox down in the harbor, Klaas.

I think it would be wise to inoculate all your workers.

- You know about the complaint of that worker and his daughter?

- That's my own business Mr. Van Gelder.

- You're living in my house.

I demand that you conduct yourself accordingly.

You've not done so.

You can pick up your pay and leave.

- That's all right with me.

- What's the matter?

What are you mad at Barney for?

- I don't want him here any longer.

- Do you mind if I have my dinner first?

- Excuse me, will you?

- Stay here.

- What's gotten into him?

- I'll find out.

- Did you pick a fight with Klaas today?

- No, but I'm old enough not to be pushed around by anyone.

I don't like his spies.

That old woman Al-Long, 10 to one she gives him a report every day.

I want to be treated right, that's all.

Just because he has money doesn't mean he owns me.

- Don't go away.

Don't leave.

(soft orchestral music) - That's all I need to know.

(soft orchestral music) (suspenseful music) - Barney?

- What do you want?

- Don't go away.

- Talk to Van Gelder.

Ask him to change his mind.

- You take me with you, remember you promised.

- I don't even know where I'm going.

- I don't care, I just want to be with you.

You said you'd never leave me, why did you say it?

- Because you wanted to hear it.

- You want to take Dina with you.

- Be quiet.

Now leave me alone.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Hello and welcome back.

Isn't this every as bad as I said it was?

- I recognize one of those actors, boss.

- Really?

- I think so.

Wasn't he like a guy on a lawyer show on TV or something?

- Yes, he was.

- He was Matlock, wasn't he?

- No, that's not Matlock.

The actor is Raymond Burr and he plays Barney in this movie.

He played lawyer Perry Mason for 185 years on TV.

Lon Chaney Jr. is also in it.

He's a legend whose credits are too lengthy to name.

- [El Sapo] I never heard of this Lon Chaney Jr. Fella.

- He was in almost 200 movies.

"The Wolf Man", "The Mummy's Tomb", "Son of Dracula", just to name a few.

- Huh?

Well still drawing a blank up here, boss.

- No, no, no, no surprise there.

- But, boss, before we get any further into this, I need to ask you something.

- Right now?

I mean we're in the middle of this.

- Yeah, yeah.

The bride business in this movie got me to thinkin', got the old wheels turning.

- Oh no, no, no.

Oh no.

- Is it legal for a woman to marry a gorilla?

- It makes no difference to me one new way or the other.

- Well, can a man marry a gorilla if he wants?

- Who cares?

What are you asking?

Wait, have you been talking to a gorilla online?

- No, no.

I was just thinking out loud.

There are thousands of gorillas out there probably.

And I know there are thousands of lonely single people.

- No, stop it.

You aren't gonna set people up with gorillas.

You're not open in a matchmaker service down at the wildlife refuge.

- But, but, but, boss.

- Can you just do me one favor just once.

Can we have a night where nothing crazy happens.

No crazy products.

No strange visitations, no new inventions.

Let's just dissect this bad, bad movie.

- Okay then, okay then.

- What are you, what are you doing?

- Note to self.

- What are you writing?

- Cancel billboard order.

Well, can you just tell me about this movie?

- It was shot in seven days.

- That's just over a week, isn't it?

- Yeah.

Seven days a is just over a week.

At any rate, Raymond Burr was in another movie with gorilla in the title.

in 1954, he was in a 3D picture called "Gorilla at Large" "Perry Mason" also had a gorilla episode.

- See, people love gorillas.

I'm telling you.

- Well, let, let me continue.

The director considered switching Lon Chaney and Raymond Burr's roles, but he decided not to because Chaney just looked so bad.

He was not doing well at that point in his life and the director felt he was, well, too ugly to be a leading man.

- That's happened to me too.

- I bet that's happened to you many times.

- Do you know anything else about this movie?

- The working title was "The Face in the Water".

- You know, speaking of water, it's still really coming down out there.

- I suspect we're in for a long rainy night.

- Folks, let's get back to "Bride of the Gorilla" starring the guy who played Perry Mason here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- You shouldn't excite yourself.

- What do you want me to do?

Smile and keep my eyes shut?

- You do love her, don't you?

- Without her, I have nothing.

- Well you got rid of Barney Chavez, that was right, but still I'd take her away from here.

It's the climate.

A woman bedded in a place like this, you must understand if she gets a little mixed up.

- You too like her, don't you?

- Of course.

She looks good to any man.

That's a compliment to you.

(chuckling) Listen to who's giving advice.

My private life isn't perfect either, but then, I live alone so nobody cares.

That makes the whole difference.

- Barney Chavez, he's like a beast.

An animal with animal instincts.

I never thought Dina, that it would come to this.

- You'd better go to bed.

I should too.

I don't like to see you taking so little care of yourself, but you'll be all right.

- Thank you Viet, good night.

- Good night.

(Larina crying) - Larina?

Larina?

What happened?

Talk to me, my child.

- Barney, he lied to me.

He doesn't love me anymore.

- I want you to stay with your people.

But he will never hurt you again.

Never.

(peaceful music) - [Klass] What are you doing here?

- Waiting.

I wanted to talk to you.

- I don't care to listen to anything you have to say.

- You chose your time to talk Van Gelder in the presence of your wife, your doctor, and your servants, what I have to say I wanted to say to you alone.

- All right.

Go on.

- I've done a lot of good work for you.

- Anything else?

- You read from the Bible tonight Van Gelder, but you didn't finish what you were reading.

- I thought I'd made myself clear.

- It goes on, let them be confounded that persecute me.

Bring upon them the day of evil and destroy them with double destruction.

- I'm glad you remember something out of a Bible.

- A man sometimes gets in a spot where he has to make a big decision Van Gelder.

- My decision's been made.

- Mine too, you're standing in my way and Dina's.

- Did she ask you to tell me that?

- We love each other, what are you going to do about it?

(dramatic music) - Help, Barney.

Help.

(groaning) (dramatic music) (door knocking) (suspenseful music) - You can't come in here.

Are you insane?

- I want to talk to you.

- You've been hurt?

- I'm leaving in the morning, you're coming with me.

- Let's tell Klaas, I'm not afraid to talk to him.

- He can't hold you here.

This isn't a prison.

- Where will we go?

- Does it matter?

I can get a job any place.

- Nobody will hire you around here.

They all know Klaas and they stick together, you know that.

- The world's a lot bigger than this jungle.

- Barney, I'm afraid.

- You'll be happy, I promise you.

You'll be happy.

(dramatic music) - Where shall be the murderer these eyes have seen?

Curse shall be Barney Chavez.

He shall be like an enemy that's hunt in the jungle.

Jungle, shall hunt him to his death.

- Hello and welcome back to "Nightmare Theatre."

We hope you're enjoying "Bride of the Gorilla."

Personally, I'm trying to ignore it.

(phone ringing) What the heck?

Maybe the boss is calling, telling me we can stop showing these movies.

I better answer.

Hello?

What?

No, this ain't Sapo's Marry a Monkey service.

Don't ever call back here.

- Look, I'm sorry about that boss.

Let me just, there we go.

That's not likely to happen again.

I'm very sorry about that.

- I'm gonna let that go.

You know something, Sapo.

- What is that, boss?

- We have an awful movie.

It's raining.

I'm having an okay time, but I need something to revivify my lagging spirits.

I could go for a snack.

A good snack makes even the worst movie better.

- You know what?

I could go for one too.

How about you, Mittens?

- Well, it's unanimous.

- What would you like, boss?

- How about a baked potato?

Potatoes are both delicious and nutritious.

- It's very, very funny that you should say that, boss, 'cause I got this here microwave at the surplus store.

And when I woke up this morning, I filled all of pockets with potatoes.

- Really?

Say, but that looks like a pretty old microwave.

Are you sure it's gonna work?

- Oh, I'm sure it's gonna work.

At least, I hope so.

The guy I bought it from said I shouldn't use it on rainy days though.

- You, you know, it's raining outside, right?

- Yeah, but it's not raining in here.

I think we're gonna be fine.

(microwave humming) Shouldn't be but a couple of minutes now, but do you smell something?

- I think I do.

Wait.

Those potatoes were covered in foil.

Good gravy.

Do you know what happens when you put metal in a microwave?

- No, I don't.

- Well, neither do I, but I'm sure it's bad.

I don't like the way that thing is sparking.

That thing's gonna blow up.

Cover it with your body, Mittens.

(all shouting) (electricity crackling) Looks like we blew a fuse and shorted something out.

- Sapo, fix the light.

- I'm on it, boss.

Just gimme a minute.

(electricity crackling) - Oh, oh no.

Leonard Abernathy.

- Oh, bless my soul.

Hi guys.

Say, do I detect a pleasant tantalizing aroma of baked potatoes?

- The short circuit must have caused Mittens to revert back to his blabbermouth human form.

- Well, bless my soul.

I believe I do smell potatoes.

Yes.

Potatoes.

Nothing beats the humble potato when it comes to a tasty nutritious snack.

The potato is generallty identified with Ireland, but in fact comes from Peru.

The Spanish brought potatoes to Europe in the 16th century.

Did you know that a potato has almost twice the potassium as a banana?

- No.

- And most people consume them as French fries.

- [El Sapo] Amen, brother.

- But they overlooked such dishes as lyonnaise potatoes, potato souffle, and even gnocchi.

- Gnocchi.

- There are an infinite number of recipes from the humble potatoes.

- Sapo, you gotta do something.

- What was that you said again?

Lyonnaise, how do you pronounce that?

- Lyonnaise, it's a French dish using potatoes, onions, and parsley, named after Lyonne France.

Lyonnaise means Leon's style.

- You know, I wonder if mayonnaise names means Mayo style.

- It's highly possible.

- I think it is.

- I shall devote some of my time to studying the derivation of that word.

I love all mayo, from Hellman's to an exotic blue plate to Whitman.

- I got that one.

- Please, please stop, please.

Please no more about that.

- There are more than 200 varieties of potatoes.

I am intimately familiar with each one.

In fact, I wrote a monograph on each varietal.

Subindex with a correct way to pair them with other food.

There's a cross index on wine and spirits, as well.

No better way to spend a rainy day than reading about potatoes.

- Let's get back to the movie.

We're in deep trouble here, folks.

- You insist, Mr. Chavez, that the last time you saw Mr. Van Gelder was in this room?

- You have it in writing.

- Yet footprints the size and shape of your own were found near the body.

Are you sure that you weren't in the garden last night?

- Why don't you come right out with what you want to say, Commissioner?

Why don't you ask me if I killed Klaas Van Gelder?

You know I had a quarrel with him.

You've got witnesses for that haven't you?

- I have, that's true.

But the evidence I have is not strong enough to bring charges against you.

What is your opinion, Dr. Viet?

- Klaas Van Gelder died from shock and suffocation caused by snake venom.

He was a sick man.

It may well have been that he had a fainting spell in the garden and the snake attacked him.

Anyway, that's my official report.

- And your private opinion?

- My private opinion is of no value.

- It might have been that during the struggle Mr. Chavez knocked Mr. Van Gelder down and the snake bit him.

These reptiles often attack when frightened.

- The doctor just told you Van Gelder died of suffocation caused by snake poison.

That is official, isn't it?

- You have a discoloration on your jaw, a fight perhaps?

- Yes, with one of my men.

- What about?

- Why don't you stick to the point?

Why don't you arrest me?

- I would, but for one thing, these leaves.

They come from a plant called the peteguan, the plant of evil, do you know about such a plant?

- No.

- These leaves worry me.

They're used to put an evil spell on people.

- Listen Taro, don't accuse me of using magic.

- I don't.

Al-Long, would you come here please?

I want you to answer me truthfully, what do you know about Mr. Van Gelder's death?

- He was bit by the snake.

- He was, how do you know?

- I saw it.

- You did, then did you also see Mr. Chavez?

- No, he was in Mrs. Van Gelder's room all the time.

- [Commissioner] Is this true Mrs. Van Gelder?

- Yes, he came to say goodbye.

- Dina?

- This would seem to prove that Mr. Chavez had nothing to do with Mr. Van Gelder's death.

Al-Long?

Where is the plant that these leaves came from?

You know it's against the law to own such a plant.

It's dangerous poison.

- You can't make her talk Taro unless she wants to, you know that.

- I know, I guess we'll have to search her room.

Nato, take Al-Long to her room and search it for a peteguan plant.

As you say, there's no use asking her questions.

I sometimes feel as though I don't even speak my own people's language.

Since I became an official I seem to be standing outside their code of law.

The inquest is closed.

(peaceful music) - It's here, in the chest.

Would you like to have such a plant for your own?

- It's against the law.

- It wards off sickness, keeps away the evil spirit, brings money into the house.

- I must destroy it Al-Long.

- But this power also brings evil.

If you hurt it, you are cursed.

You're wife will fall sick, your children die.

I bring such a plant to your house tonight.

- No, I don't want it.

I don't believe in black magic.

- Don't tell anybody I have such a plan.

- No I won't, but you keep away from my house.

I don't want witches near my children.

(dramatic orchestral music) (romantic orchestral music) - Hello.

Thanks.

- I'm glad Al-Long saw it happen.

I didn't want you to get involved.

- That was lucky, wasn't it?

- Don't go away.

- I won't, you know that.

- Oh peteguan, flower is mine.

Change Barney Chavez into an animal.

In his eyes he shall be an animal, he shall be an animal in the animal's eyes.

- Hello and welcome back, folks.

We're in trouble and I can't guarantee we'll be able to continue with tonight's movie.

- Oh, don't worry, my good man.

Courage, keep a stiff upper lip and all that.

Keep calm and carry on.

I'll be glad to step into assist you.

- You know, that is a kind offer, boss.

If you want to go lay down, I'll sit here with him while he talks you.

You like to take naps on rainy days.

- Quiet, you.

This is your fault.

Everyone knows not to put metal in a microwave.

Didn't anyone ever tell you that?

- Nobody ever hipped me to that, dude.

- Microwaves can be deadly.

- Oh, the microwave.

Did you know a man named Percy Spencer is generally credited with inventing the microwave oven.

- I didn't, I didn't know that.

- It's a very interesting story.

Spencer was born in 1894, incidentally, and you'll love this part, his middle name was LeBaron, LeBaron, which means the baron.

You can claim vicarious kinship.

- That is pretty cool.

- Oh dear, oh.

- Spencer was once standing too close to a military radar unit when he noticed the candy bar in his pocket melted.

It was due to the magnatron in the radar.

He was not the first to notice this effect, but he was the first to investigate.

- Sapo, we gotta do something.

- He began an experiment.

Get this.

He put an egg in a tea kettle near the magnatron.

(El Sapo laughing) One of his fellow workers was observing the egg and the egg blew up in his face.

- Oh, that's happened to me before.

I tell you what.

- Oh, Sapo, I bet that was a sight to behold.

- I had egg on my cheek for an entire week before anyone told me about it.

- That must have made the flies happy.

You know, I always thought a movie about the man who invented the microwave would be interesting.

- There's no way that would ever get made.

- I would go see it twice.

- Sapo, you are not helping.

- I've written a spec script about it.

May I show it to you?

- No, no thanks.

- Sapo, figure something out.

I can't discuss this movie with him here.

- Oh, mon ami, never fear.

If you cannot discuss this film, I shall do it for you.

You are watching the 1951 classic "Bride of the Gorilla."

- He is right, boss.

Wow.

- Such an interesting and fascinating film.

- It's not at all.

No.

- Did you know Edward G. Robinson was originally cast in this film?

- Holy cow.

That is amazing.

I bet not even you knew that, boss.

- Of course I did.

Sapo, do you even know who Edward G. Robinson?

- Of course I do.

He was that kid on "Lost in Space."

The one that was always in danger.

- Yes.

Robinson was cast, but he was fire by the producers because- - He got arrested for writing a bad check in Laguna beach.

Everybody knows that.

- I didn't know that.

- Everyone who counts knows.

- Touche, my good man.

I am impressed.

Did you know how much the check was for.

- Boss, I've been busted multiple times for writing bad checks.

- Quiet, I'm busy.

The check was for $138.

- You are a worthy opponent.

The battle of wits is well enjoined, Lay on, Macduff and damned be he that first cries hold enough.

- Hold enough what?

Boss, don't let him call you a Macduff.

You're not a crime dog.

- He's quoting Shakespeare, you dolt.

- Well, well, well, someone has been watching the fine programming here on PBS.

- I have watched PBS for years.

I was in the "Sesame Street" readers club until they kicked me out.

- That must have been a painful time for you.

- It was, but I won all of the reading contests.

- Well, that is nice.

We must take our victories as they come.

Every accomplishment should be celebrated and recognized.

- [El Sapo] Thank you.

- I myself have received many honors and accolades from the literary world.

- Oscar the Grouch once sent me a birthday card.

- Sapo, you are a 45 year old man in a club for kids and they kicked you out.

- I feel sorry for you, Sapo.

How about this to make you feel better later.

We can have more time.

I can tell you all about the history of PBS and why we should all support it.

But the Baron has good naturedly slapped me across the face with his velvet glove, as it were, and challenged me to a bit of a friendly duel.

- A friendly duel?

There's nothing friendly about it.

- Well, challenge accepted, my good man.

Let the duel commence.

- A duel?

What are you fellas talking about?

- He wants to have a contest to see who knows the most about this movie.

(El Sapo laughing) - That would be like someone challenging me to a sardine-eating contest.

Get 'im, boss.

Let him have it.

- I can't do this right now.

We have to strategize here.

Sapo, start the film back up.

- If I may offer a suggestion, I am fairly good at strategizing.

I am intimately familiar with all forms of- - Now, Sapo, now!

Cut to the film.

Just do something.

- Hello, Dr. Viet.

- Hello.

- [Man] Van Gelder, this is quite a party.

Cigarette?

- [Woman] No thank you.

- Is this your first marriage Mr. Chavez?

- My father used to say try everything once.

Once I marry, I'll stay married.

- I've been married for 26 years, I keep my marriage going.

My wife does the rest and believe me we both have to work at it.

- Is it really true you've been a dancer?

- Stella, it's not polite to ask questions.

- Why not, Mrs. Van Heusen?

Yes, I've worked all over the world, Rio, London, Paris.

- I've never been to a night club.

It must be exciting.

(dramatic orchestral music) - For the master.

- May I drink?

May I drink to you neighbor?

We're only 40 miles apart, that's practically door to door in this part of the world.

- I see you're getting service in your house.

- Here's to good service.

(dramatic music) - I'm very unlucky, every time I meet an attractive man he's either married or just going to be married.

- Better luck next time, excuse me, Doctor.

From now on, it'll just be you and me, nothing else matters, nothing.

Promise?

- Oh yes, I do.

- I've come a long way to find you.

(dramatic orchestral music) - What's all that about?

- Mr. Chavez the papers are prepared.

All you have to do is sign them and pay for the government stamp.

- Every step in life starts with paying money.

No, you sign first, I'm afraid you might change your mind.

- How shall I sign, my maiden name?

- Your legal name, Van Gelder.

(dramatic music) (door knocking) - Barney?

(door knocking) Barney, let me in.

What happened?

- Close the door.

It's, it's my hand.

- What's the matter?

Let me see.

I don't see anything wrong with it.

- It's all right.

Yes, it's all right.

But it hurt.

Suddenly it hurt bad.

- Where did it hurt, in the fingers?

- I'm all right, don't worry, I'm all right.

- Let's go back.

- No, I, tell them I got sick, tell them I got a fever, tell them anything you want.

- You better lie down.

I'll send Dina in.

- No, I don't want to see anyone.

- Are you sure you don't want to see her?

- No, now leave me alone, will you?

- All right.

(door clicking) - Don't you like me?

- Of course I like you.

- Pour me a glass.

- Sure.

- Something's bothering you.

You sorry you married me?

- No, why should I be?

I never thought I'd have such a beautiful wife.

- You've changed so much.

- No I haven't.

I haven't changed.

Listen Dina, listen.

- What is it?

- The jungle.

- Close the door, I don't want to hear it.

- No, it sounds like music.

You hear that?

You hear that high sound?

That's a bird with long red feathers.

It flies without making a noise but it's voice gives it away.

- I know it, it's a vicuna bird.

- I even hear the snakes.

I have to leave.

- Barney, you've got a fever.

- No, no, I haven't but, but I have to leave.

- Well you can't go in the jungle at this time of night.

- You hear them?

Dina, go to bed, Dina.

I'll be back soon.

- If you love me, don't go.

- I'll be back.

- Barney, you can't leave me.

Barney.

(dramatic music) (animals chittering) Barney, take him into the house, quickly.

- Hey, hi, David Naughton from "An American Werewolf in London."

Hope you're watching "Nightmare Theatre."

(upbeat music) (Baron sighing) - Folks, welcome back.

This is exhausting and and you can see we're still up to our necks in trouble.

- Hey boss, boss, don't forget.

This guy challenged you to a duel.

Is there anything you need from me?

I got a sock full of nickels in my pocket.

- Sapo, I'm fully capable of handling myself in any kind of duel.

- Don't you gentlemen find the whole concept of duel fascinating?

- Not particularly.

- Alexander Hamilton, Andrew Jackson, Henry Clay.

Just a few famous duelists from history.

- Fascinating.

- And I can't forget the great duelists in literature.

There's a duel in "Sense and Sensibility", believe it or not.

Several in "The Three Musketeers."

- Now that's some good candy right there.

- Dueling is even mentioned in the Harry Potter novels.

- Oh, those books scared the very bejesus outta me.

- Sapo, did you really read all those big thick books?

- No, I couldn't get past that guy on the cover with the glasses and the scar.

I'd hate to meet that guy in a dark alley.

- Sapo, you gotta stop encouraging him to talk more.

I can't take anymore.

(indistinct) - As he lay dying.

Yes, duels are fascinating.

I could, and have, talked for hours on them, hours and hours and hours.

- I see what he's doing, Sapo.

His weapon, it's boredom.

- Baron, my friend.

- I'm not your friend, Palooka Joe.

- Let us settle our differences and agree that we are both experts in our fields.

Well, you in your field, and me in my fields, if I may employ the plural.

- Well, if you wanna admit defeat.

- There's no defeat if your effort is sincere.

Besides I would rather talk.

- Yes, you most certainly would.

- You are as close to an equal as I am likely to find.

I can never find anyone who can handle my intellect.

- I bet.

- Can we talk about the film?

I should note Lon Chaney Jr's presence in this film.

- I wondered who that guy was.

- Sapo, I told you earlier who he was.

- I don't remember that.

- Such a talented, but troubled man.

Shame we could not air his last film.

- You actually wanna sit through "The Female Bunch"?

- (laughing) Oh my dear, Baron.

His last film was "Dracula Vs.

Frankenstein."

Now that's a film I'd like to see.

- [All] And how!

- Your position is a common one and an easy mistake many people make.

So I do not fault you, but I would rather light a candle than curse your darkness.

Here's the truth, my fine fellow.

Both this fine film and "The Female Bunch" were released in 1971.

And while he did film this one, first, it was released second.

So this was his last film release to the public.

- This is gonna be your last film.

if you don't stop yapping.

Sapo, let's get back to the film while we try to figure something out here.

- Oh, there's no need for the blown gasket.

We're just two film scholars passing away the hours discussing our passions.

Well, film history is but one of my many, many interests.

- Say, what do you boys know about aardvarks?

- Oh, where shall I start?

It's probably best to begin with the Latin name.

- Sapo, we gotta start the film now.

We just can't keep doing this.

Start the film.

- It's in my hands, it's not my arm, it's not my eye, it's not my face.

- Hello Dina.

- I thought you would never get here.

- It's 100 miles away.

How long has it been like this?

- Since I found him in the garden.

- When was that?

- Six hours ago.

- He must have a fever.

- (groaning) My hands, they hurt, they hurt.

- Yes, he complained about his hands before.

- But the things he says don't make sense.

- Things he says in his fever, of course not.

- The face, the face in the water, face.

Watch out.

- That's all we can do for him now.

He will sleep now.

Give him quianine when he wakes up.

Happy?

- Very.

Barney loves me.

It's the difference between my two marriages and I love him.

- Klaas was my friend.

- What do you want me to say?

I've already told you I'm unhappy that he had to die such a horrible death.

- At such a convenient time.

- Yes, at such a convenient time.

Klaas died of shock and suffocation or would you like to change your diagnosis?

- I know the cause of Klaas' death, but not the motive.

- An accident.

Al-Long saw it happen.

- She may have been lying.

- It was an accident.

- It must have been since Barney was in your room at the time.

- And you wish that wasn't the truth?

- Yes.

- A woman always knows a man's feelings about her.

It's no use Viet, Barney's my husband for better or for worse.

- Dina?

Barney's going to be all right.

I'll stop by in a few days.

You know where to find me if you need me.

- Thank you Viet.

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Hello Taro.

- [Taro] Hello doctor, come in.

- Am I interrupting important affairs of state?

- No, sit down, make yourself comfortable.

That's all Paula.

- Si senor.

- Have you heard of this big cat that's supposed to be around?

- Of course, some say it's a puma, others a giant ape, and still others say it's the sukarat.

- A sukarat, that's a new kind of animal to me.

- That's a famous jungle demon that tears living animals to shreds with its claws and then feeds upon them.

Has been known to attack humans also.

- It hasn't so far I hope?

- No, but I'm sure it will.

- You're sure?

- Someone will use this rumor to kill somebody, blame it on the sukarat.

It's happened before.

- It has?

- I closed the Van Gelder case today officially.

Death due to suffocation caused by snake venom.

That's your report, Doctor.

It's not my opinion, but of course my opinion doesn't seem to carry much weight in this case.

- After all you're only the police commissioner, who'd be interested in your opinion?

- You know, Doctor, I was born in this little town.

- I know.

- I sometimes regret that I went to university and then returned to this jungle with its superstitions.

It only served to confuse me.

- You never impressed me that way Taro.

- How can I help being confused?

My native mind is filled with these superstitions.

My legal mind was developed through books written by people without emotion.

- Yes, but justice must detach itself from emotion.

- That I realize.

But I know that Barney Chavez murdered Van Gelder.

I know it emotionally.

I should arrest that man and charge him with murder.

- Why don't you?

- The case I have is not tight enough to get a conviction.

I know that Al-Long lied to protect him, but I also know that he cannot escape punishment.

- Why?

- The sukarat.

- The sukarat?

The jungle demon?

(chuckling) Taro, you're joking, you don't mean it.

- Barney Chavez will be brought to justice.

The jungle will see to that.

- The longer I live here the less I understand you people.

- Drop in again, Doctor.

(phone ringing) Hello?

This is the commissioner.

Oh Mr. Van Heusen.

On your plantation?

It's killed already?

This is serious.

Yes, I'll be right over, immediately, good bye.

(speaking foreign language) - What's all that about?

- Three rubber tappers have already seen the sukarat.

- They have?

- I told you it would be like this and here it is.

It's killed already, next time it might be a human.

- What does it look like, this mystical animal?

- It takes various forms, but seriously, Doctor, why don't you come along, talk to the people that have seen it, it'll enlarge your knowledge, and we might need a man of your professional ground.

- I wouldn't miss having a look at it for the world.

- Hello and welcome back, and folks, if you're expecting my normal joyful self, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to disappoint you.

Sapo here accidentally transformed Mittens into his know it all form again.

- Oh, you are too kind.

I'm not quite a know-it-all.

There are many gaps in my old noggin.

For example, my knowledge of 15th century flatware leaves a lot to be desired.

- Yeah, I'm sure it does.

Sapo, can't you do something to help here?

- I can't help him out there, boss.

I don't even know what flatware means.

- No, stupid.

I mean, can't you do something about this guy?

- The whole concept of cutlery fascinates me, from the chopsticks in Asian culture to the knives and forks of Western culture, to the shovel Sapo probably uses when he eats his weekly allotment of cold uncooked beefaroni.

- I even put it on a plate now.

Well, usually.

No more eatin' right out of the can like a goon for this fella.

- Well, good for you.

You guys must agree the tools and implements man uses to nourish himself are endlessly fascinating.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now how we eat a steak is certainly worthy of 10,000 pages.

- I'm up to 13,000 and pages.

- Of course, of course.

- But my mind is always racing at speeds beyond the ken of moral men.

- Oh, clearly.

Yeah.

- Let us dovetail back to the original subject.

The potato can be eaten with a fork, a spoon, if they're mashed or in a soup, or even with your fingers, if they're fried.

- You know, I eat mashed potatoes with my fingers all the time.

- I imagine you do.

Baron?

- What?

- Have you ever noticed how often the potato has been featured in movies?

- Why anyone noticed that?

- In "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", Richard Dreyfus makes a model of the Devil's Tower outta mashed potatoes.

In "Empire of the Sun", Christian Bale says people will do anything for a potato.

- I know I would.

- Stop encouraging him, Sapo.

- In "A Christmas Story" the little boy loves mashed potatoes and who can forget Belushi in "Animal House."

- Fascinating.

- Yes, from art house films, like "Everything is Illuminated" or "Ladies in Lavender" to classic comedies like "Animal House", the humble, but noble potato- - Sapo, we gotta do something.

- Why, without potatoes, the entire American cinema would collapse.

But luckily I would be there to rebuild it.

- Sapo, start the movie now.

- Have I told you about the sweet potato yet?

- Oh no.

- If these fools hadn't trampled all over the place like a herd of elephants we would have found footprints.

- Net's been broken, teeth marks, hide's been torn to shreds.

- You?

Come over here.

Did you see this animal?

- Yes, I have seen the animal.

- And was it the jaguar?

- No, no, Doctor, it was huge and red.

- Red?

- Yes, it has a head like a man and teeth like an alligator.

- What did I tell you doctor, the sukarat?

- That it was.

My wife saw it too.

For a couple of nights it was sneaking around our hut.

It walks on his hind legs.

- Like a man?

- No, like a beast that walks like a man.

Oh the terrible voice.

Not only I have heard it, my friends here have heard it too.

- Well, there's only one thing to do.

Set traps and see if we can catch the beast.

- We can put many traps all along the grading and in the jungle.

- [Taro] What did you use for bait?

- Young goats.

- Well if you catch the sukarat just call me and I'll sell it to the circus and make a fortune.

(thunder crashing) (dramatic music) (thunder crashing) (glass shattering) (thunder crashing) (dramatic orchestral music) (thunder crashing) (thunder crashing) - Al-Long?

Larina?

(suspenseful orchestral music) (thunder crashing) (gun shooting) - Dina?

Dina, it's me, Viet.

Don't shoot.

- I'm so glad you came.

I was scared.

- Of what?

- I don't know, somebody was here.

- Tell me who?

- I don't know, I don't know.

- What did you shoot at?

- I don't know.

- Easy Taro, easy, her nerve's on the edge.

- Where's Mr. Chavez?

- Out in the jungle, I haven't seen him since last night.

- In the jungle?

- Yes.

- It doesn't make sense, what's he doing in the jungle?

- Hunting.

- Hunting, he didn't take his gun along?

- He hasn't need one.

- We came to warn him that the rabbit tampers have set traps in the jungle.

- What for?

- There's a strange animal about.

It's killed many cattle already.

- What kind of a beast?

- It's an unusual animal.

It walks on its hind legs.

Don't forget, warn Mr. Chavez to be careful of traps when he goes in the jungle.

- Oh come, come Taro.

Next thing you're going to say is that Barney's the jungle demon, the sukarat.

- The sukarat is only a symbol.

- What are you talking about?

- You better take Barney away from here.

- And what if he doesn't want to go?

- He'll go if I ask him, but I wish I knew what he was doing out there.

- Mrs. Chavez, the next time he goes into the jungle, why don't you accompany him and find out.

But if you should, be sure and go well armed.

- Welcome back, folks.

As you can see, we are still dealing with a massively bad situation.

It's bad enough that we're stuck with flappy mouth McGee here, but the rain has gotten much worse and we can't even escape.

- Oh, you shouldn't fear rain.

Rain is nature's replenisher.

It provides nourishment for our plants, water for our river.

- Bath time for me.

- Yes.

See, rain is wonderful.

No need to slight Mother Nature for making rain.

- Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Okay, I get it.

- But if I could, I would go for a walk in the rain right now.

I've been known to burst into song while enjoying heaven's rain.

Not unlike those fine people in the 1952 Technicolor masterpiece "Singing in the Rain."

- Well, yes, that is a great film.

It really is.

- Oh my, yes, it was.

And such great casting.

It started Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, Rita Moreno, and believe it or not, Sid Charice.

- Well, yeah, you're making some good points.

That was an amazing once in a lifetime collection of talent, never duplicated or equaled.

- I could not have put that better myself.

And the choreography.

- Yeah, it was the stuff of legends.

It made those Busby Berkeley movies look like a drunken flash mob.

- Did you know I once trained as a dancer?

- No.

- I'd be happy to show you a few moves.

In fact, I have Gene Kelly's part memorized.

- I'm gonna pass on that.

- I'd like to see it.

Here's a nickel, I'll pay.

- Stop it, Sapo, you're encouraging- - I'm quite the hoofer.

Would you care to see me try to measure on yon carpet?

- No.

- I bet Sapo here can sing.

- Oh yes, I can sing.

Listen to this.

♪ Hey, I can sing and you can do a buck and wing ♪ ♪ And workin' together we can make it swing ♪ ♪ Let's get together and do our thing ♪ ♪ If anyone asks we'll just call it a fling ♪ - Don't you encourage him either.

Sheesh, these two are driving me crazy.

- Sorry, boss.

I got lost in the emotion.

- I'll lose you in a mo...

Wait, tell me, can you really do Gene Kelly's part?

- Better than he could ever do it.

- In the pouring rain?

- Oh yes.

- So in addition to all your other talents, are you telling me that you can sing and dance?

- Like an angel, a brilliant, talented angel.

- I don't believe it.

- I'm serious.

- Well, I'll tell you what.

You go outside and dance in the rain and we'll watch you from that window over there.

How would that be?

- It would be a pleasure for me and heaven for you.

How do I get outside?

- I normally just go out that window there and shimmy down the dream pipe.

- Yes.

But as a guest, you are free to use the door.

Just follow the signs and you'll find the exit.

- Why, thank you.

But to be fair, after you see me sing and dance, you'll be thanking me.

- I'm sure we will.

Just head that way, my fine fellow.

- Just go, go.

You'll find the exit.

Just keep going that way.

That way.

- Make sure he's gone.

All right, Sapo, listen up.

We gotta come up with a plan.

Maybe that guy in the sub sub sub subbasement can help us.

Folks, get back to whatever the heck we're showing while we put our heads together and try to find out a way to do this.

I mean, while I put my head to the task.

- Wait, wait.

Aren't we gonna watch that fellow dance first?

- No, no, we're not watching him dance.

(dramatic orchestral music) (gun firing) (animals screeching) - [Barney] Dina, Dina.

- Where are you?

- [Barney] In here.

- Where are you?

- In here.

I can't get out.

- Your leg.

- I can't get out.

Give me that gun.

Just don't stand there, give me the gun.

(suspenseful music) - Stay here, I'll get help.

- No.

- But you're hurt, let me cut off your boot.

- There, I'll hold onto you.

Al-Long, did you want to help me out at the inquest, or where's Larina?

I haven't seen... - You mustn't get up.

- I'm all right.

That old woman really knows her stuff.

Much better than your quack doctor.

- I think I'd better call my quack doctor just to make sure.

- No, I don't want you to talk to him.

I don't want you to talk to anybody.

I told you nobody should know.

- Why not?

It's not your fault, anybody could have stepped into that trap.

- No, anyone but me would have known.

- What do you mean?

- I, I heard something.

Something I never heard before, something strange and beautiful.

A voice, calling me.

I couldn't resist going out there.

I couldn't resist getting closer and closer.

The next thing I knew, I was in the trap.

- Oh, let's go away.

- I wanted to right after Klaas, right after.

But I didn't dare, the people.

- I don't care what the people say or think about us.

The past can't hurt us once we're out of here.

- Let's leave right away, tomorrow.

Remember I told you once a woman like you ought to travel?

Let's go to Paris.

Now I've never been there.

I'll buy you clothes in Paris and then we'll go to London.

- And I'll buy you clothes in London.

Barney, I love you.

Please don't let anything happen to us.

- Darling?

- What is it?

- It's nothing only, here, come here.

All my life I've had to fight, as long as I could remember.

I knew I'd get hurt if I ever stopped fighting, but with you in my arms- - As long as you hold me, as long as we're together.

- I know, I know.

I love you Dina.

For the first time in my life I'm not afraid of saying it to you or to myself.

I love you.

- I'll never forget, never.

- I'll never give you the chance.

I'll always be there reminding you, always.

- Always.

(dramatic music) - Barney Chavez, is an animal in his eyes.

(thunder crashing) (upbeat rock music) - I tell you, this guy better help us come up with a plan or he better help us bury a body.

- I bet he's got that shovel Lorraine Newman used in "Cool Hand Luke".

There he is right there.

- Folks, welcome back.

We're down here in the sub sub sub subbasement of the TV studio with a mysterious curator who's in charge of the Merrill Movie Museum and he looks like he's brought us another piece here tonight.

- Hello, Baron.

Hello Barron.

Tonight, I have- - What is this exactly that you have here on the table?

This looks like familiar to me.

- We Can't talk back this tonight.

We're on a mission.

Don't you understand we're in a very dangerous situation right here.

- Well, the mission can wait.

I'm so excited to show you this piece from "Swamp Thing."

- What?

- (speaking foreign language) young man.

Let a master peddle his wares.

This is actually a maket, or a proof of concept for the layman among us, for the Arcane monster played by Louis Jourdan from Wes Craven's 1982 Man versus nature, man becomes nature, nature man versus man sci-fi classic "Swamp Thing".

- Do you mind, this is my job.

What, who the heck are you anyway?

And what are you doing with this beautiful piece that was an amazing find.

If you look at this, it's just very detailed, and went on to be a very scary creature in, well, let's be honest, an okay movie.

- The creature actually, because of illness for the stunt actor, was played by the creator of the creature, William Bill Munns.

And if you'll notice this has taxidermied eyes, but so he could see in the film, there were actually washers on the real costume.

- Well, the most amazing thing about this is the amazing condition this is in considering it's 40 years old.

- The most amazing thing about this is the fact that it was found at a dirt mall or a flea market if you will, in lower Hades, for a pittance of what it should have gone for.

It's in excellent condition.

- If you don't get outta my way, you're not gonna be an excellent condition.

This is my job here.

- Fisticuffs.

- Yeah.

You want to go?

We can go.

- Beneath me.

- Well, you know, so much tell us more then.

- Well, you know so much, tell us more.

- Well, again, this would've been done to demonstrate the makeup before it was placed on an actual actor.

So this was done to create the look of the creature.

Originally, they wanted to go with a werewolf.

- But, but, but they didn't because "The Howling" and "American Werewolf in London" had just come out and they figured audiences would suffer from werewolf fatigue, as if that's a thing.

- I'm starting to get some pretty serious fatigue here, myself.

- Sir, take a seat.

- I just, I, I don't even know what to do with you anymore.

How did he even get in here?

This is this supposed to be a secure sub sub sub sub basement.

- The door was unlocked.

- (sighing) Sapo, it's gotta be Sapo.

- I don't know who chimpo is, but okay.

- Just, I, I gotta talk to the Baron.

If there's not gonna be proper security in here, we may have to end this.

- Here I am with 100,000 in cash in my pocket waiting for a man to pick it up.

- Have you seen Barney?

- Have we seen Barney, we thought he was with you?

- No, the last time I saw him he was talking to you.

Al-Long?

- Where is Mr. Chavez?

- He went away.

- Went away?

- I saw him crossing the garden for the jungle.

- Well, he should be back soon.

- [Viet] Dina?

- He won't be back tonight.

I told Van Heusen that there's no use waiting.

- But what's he doing in the jungle at nighttime?

It's suicide.

- It's suicide for me too waiting for him.

- It's silly.

I can't concentrate.

10 o'clock.

I think we should send the servants out to find him.

Something must have happened to him.

- It's no use, he won't be back until late.

- Then you tell Barney if he wants to sell his plantation to see me at my house.

Tell him this is no way to behave, running away without an excuse.

- Mrs. Chavez can sign the papers, she's the legal owner.

- She could?

- My husband's the boss in this house.

- I wish my wife could hear that.

- You tell Barney to show up tomorrow or our deal is off.

(dramatic music) (animals chittering) - I'm glad they left.

- They left the day before yesterday.

- I've changed my mind, I'm not going to sell the plantation, I like it here.

- Barney?

- No use arguing, my mind's made up.

- I won't stay here.

- If you want to leave, I won't hold you.

- Barney you've been poisoned.

Viet's sure of it.

- Poisoned, he's been lying to you.

Oh don't tell me different, I've had my eyes open.

- Why should he?

- He's in love with you.

- There's nothing between Viet and me and you know it.

- It doesn't matter, I don't care.

I'm not happy here.

I'm happy out there in the jungle.

- Barney please.

- Why shouldn't I tell you?

Why shouldn't I?

Out there in the jungle, out there everything's different.

I seem changed.

My hands, my eyes, I can see further than I've ever seen before.

The smallest leaf on top of the highest tree.

I can climb as if I had wings.

I can smell 1000 smells, flowers, plants, the animals, I'm strong and powerful.

The jungle's my house, it belongs to me.

- Barney, listen to me, please.

It's all in your mind.

Barney, please listen.

I love you.

- I can hear voices.

Voices miles away.

The animals talk to me and I understand them.

I understand them.

They're afraid of me.

Afraid of me.

- Yes I know.

Barney, go to sleep, you're tired.

- Tired?

Tired?

Yes, I'm tired.

- I'm tired too, very tired.

Please, go to sleep.

- I will until the night.

When it's night, I'll show you the jungle.

Then you'll know I'm telling the truth.

(door knocking) What do you want?

- We cannot go on working for you.

- Why not?

- It isn't safe, there is an animal around.

We are afraid.

One was caught in a trap but it got away.

Now none of my men will go to the jungle any more as long as it is alive.

- What does it look like?

- (stammering) We don't know.

We just came to get our pay.

We are going to move away from here to some else place.

- You can have your pay, I won't stop you.

- You owe us two weeks pay, that's all.

- Okay.

- Look at your hands.

- What's the matter with my hands?

- It looks like dry blood.

- Hello and welcome back, folks.

Sorry to be so terse, but Sapo and I just gave that blabbermouth the slip.

We left him down there with a curator.

Sapo has locked the door and for a moment, the dangerous has passed.

- What are we gonna do, boss?

We can't make a run for it.

It's still raining out there.

- Calm down.

The door is locked.

He can't get in here.

- That guy probably knows how to pick locks.

- (sighing) You're probably right.

He probably wrote a book about every guy in every movie whoever picked a lock.

"Did you guys know the lock picking was first introduced by the Venetians.

If you like lockpicking, thank the Venetians.

- Here he comes, here he comes.

- Hello again, stout fellows.

Pardon my tardiness.

I got into a series of conversations with that charming man in the sub sub sub sub basement.

He has a lot of great items.

Shame he is so misinformed on each and every one of them.

I tried to teach him the error of his ways, but he said he had a meeting to get to and left.

- How did you manage to get back in here?

- Well, the door was locked, locked with multiple locks.

There was a simple padlock, a cam lock, a REM and Mortise lock, two Euro profile cylinder locks.

Interesting, one of the locks was a pre-1955 lock and it was made of steel from the Iris steel mill, which closed in 1964.

That's a valuable lock that would doubtless fetch a pretty penny on the collectible lock market.

And then there was a plebeian deadbolt.

- And you managed to pick them all that fast.

- Oh no.

The kind young man in the basement gave me his keys.

- (sighing) I'll fix him good.

(sighing) - Locks are fascinating, as his lock picking.

- Yes, a thrill a minute, - But enough of locks and lock picking.

While I was on my way back up here, I caught a little of the movie on one of the screens in the elevator.

You know, I don't mean to complain, but have you noticed the quality of the video of this film?

- Well, sometimes when it's raining, the reception is not as, hmm, say, what do you know about antennas and television tuning?

- I wrote a book on this subject.

- Of course.

- I called it "Putting the You in UHF: How to Tune any TV."

- Well, that's great.

Say, do you think you could help us with our antenna?

- Nothing in this world would make me happier.

- We happen to have it right here on the table.

- Boss, boss, boss.

It's still raining out there in the- - Shhh.

Sapo, don't be rude.

This kind man has offered to help us.

We should let him, - I'd be glad to.

Should I do this first or should I sing and dance?

I never found my way to the exit so you fellows never saw the floor show.

- That's right.

- Well, here's an idea.

If you could fix the antenna, we could tape you and broadcast it all over the world.

- You're right.

I should fix this first.

Let me see that.

Oh yes.

You're using a Selectrics Mark Seven series.

These were obsolete when "Dobie Gillis" debuted.

You should upgrade.

There have been many advances since 1942 in the field of TV antennas.

- But boss, boss, if he's tuning that and it's storming outside and lightning- - Sapo, let the expert work his magic.

- Not magic, my friend, but science.

Here, just let me set the diameter to 67 megahertz and we should be- (electricity crackling) - [El Sapo] Lightening must have blown the antenna and blown a fuse, boss.

I told you that was gonna happen.

- [Baron] Sapo, replace the fuse quickly.

I hope this worked.

- You did it, boss.

- Success.

Folks, I can't tell you how happy I am right now.

- How did you know that was gonna work, boss?

- Well, it was a calculated risk.

I figured that the short circuited microwave caused him to revert one way, a lightning strike through an antenna he was holding might send them back the other way.

- Is there nothing electricity can't do?

Did I say something wrong, boss?

- No, I was just making sure there were no residual traces of his human form.

I don't want him to launch into a diatribe about how Ben Franklin didn't really discover electricity.

I was making sure he didn't hold up a book he wrote called "Electricity: What Your Electrician Doesn't Know", or something like that.

- It's really good to have you back there, Mittens.

- What's that?

Oh, the potatoes.

I forgot about those.

Tell you what?

When it stops raining, let's all go get in the Mondo-wagon and go to Ominous Buds for loaded rice baked potatoes.

It's ultimate topping night.

Sapo's treat.

- Boss, boss.

The movie ain't over yet.

- Dang.

I forgot about this movie.

Folks, let's watch the exciting conclusion of whatever movie it is we showing here tonight on "Nightmare Theatre."

- The servants have run away.

- They have?

- All the workers have quit.

Everyone's gone.

Why don't you leave?

- I can't.

- Sure you can, you're free.

- That's what Viet told me.

That I can go wherever I want, that I'm free.

- He's right.

- I told him that I belong to you and only death can part us.

- Death can't touch me, I just started to live.

You don't know the jungle.

- Now I do, and I hate it.

I hate it more than any woman that would take you away from me.

- What else did your doctor tell you?

- He said you killed Klaas.

- Did he?

- [Dina] Taro thinks so too.

- I don't care, they won't find me.

- I will, I'm going with you.

- You wouldn't like it out there.

You haven't got the eyes to see or the ears to hear.

It wouldn't protect you.

You hate it, that's why it hates you.

- Don't go, let's stay here.

Don't go tonight.

We'll go tomorrow together.

Remember the night you said you love me?

You said you'd always love me, always.

You said you'd always remind me that you love me.

(dramatic music) Barney?

- How do you like my jungle?

- Let's go back Barney, please?

- I'll never go back, never.

- Stop.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Go on.

Why don't you shoot?

You can't miss, but you won't make me go back.

You and I don't belong together anymore.

Bye Dina.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Barney.

- Dina where are you?

Dina?

Al-Long?

Larina?

There's not a soul around.

The servants must have gone too.

- I expected that as soon as I found this.

- What is it?

- It the peteguan plant.

Al-Long had it all the time.

It's the poison she used on Barney Chavez.

She wanted to take the law in her own hands.

- Dina must have followed Barney into the jungle.

- Right.

- How can we find them at nighttime?

- I know my jungle, Doctor.

Out there my senses are those of an animal.

Come.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (gun shooting) (suspenseful orchestral music) (gun shooting) - What's that?

(Dina screaming) - Over here.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (Dina screaming) Over there.

(jaguar roaring) (suspenseful orchestral music) It's in there.

(guns shooting) (Barney groaning) (suspenseful music) (dramatic orchestral music) - [Narrator] Like something that has been haunting the world for millions of years, the jungle has risen to punish Barney Chavez for his crime.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Hello folks, and welcome back.

Those of you who made it anyway.

As you can see, things are once again, back to normal or as close as normal as we can get.

- Amen.

And I for one have had enough excitement for one day.

- Yes.

We've had quite a series of unfortunate events befall us today, but there's something I'd like you all to remember, an important life lesson, if you will.

- What's that, boss?

You know how I love to learn.

- When you're hungry, always remember your pal the potato.

Potatoes give so much and ask so little.

They are truly nature's noblemen.

- That is correct, boss.

When you are hungry, nothing but nothing hits the spot like a potato.

But wait, wait, say, don't you think we ought talk about Mittens in his human form.

- The less we talk about that, the better.

Let us focus our attention on the great and wonderful potato.

Boil them, mash them, stick 'em in a stew.

- Or lovely golden chips with a big piece of fried fish.

- Yep.

There's nothing they can't do.

Let's cook some right now.

But before we go, Sapo, what do we have on tap for next week?

- We have this, boss.

(eerie ambient music) (woman screaming) - Oh my God.

(ominous music) (woman gasping) - Something is not quite right.

(ominous music) (woman screaming) - And I think we ought to call the state police.

(ominous music) - Now look, you either let me handle this my own way, or you go call in your army.

(man screaming) (creature roaring) - Oh no.

Did I tell you folks potatoes also make great weapons.

Wielded properly, a potato can cause quite the bruise, especially on a soft, empty head.

I'm about to show Sapo another way to use this wonderful, heavy, solid as a rock, piece of nature's bounty.

So until next time, my friends, may all your dreams be nightmares.

(thunder crashing) (upbeat rock music)