caring careers here.com providing connections to the lives of Aging motans by helping people discover careers in caregiving more information at caring carear here.com I go through caregivers guilt about every day your emotions are up and down it's like a roller coaster ride so the decision to get my own apartment was a tough one as a caregiver you have to have your own breathing space hi I'm Melissa Fritz host of inside senior living as a senior living consultant during the covid pandemic and a daughter who lost her father to alzheimer's dementia my inspiration for this work comes from a deeply personal place I've seen firsthand the challenge es family face when navigating the complexities of Aging over the years I've dedicated myself to equipping older adults and their families with the information and resources they need to make the best decisions whether that means receiving care in their own home or making a move to a senior living community and as we all age this need is only going to grow that's why we're on a mission to spark conversations support caregivers provide valuable resources and promote a more age-friendly World meet Cammy a woman in her 60s who's juggling the intense demands of caregiving for not just one but two loved ones her mother Don is in her 90s and has been in hospice for over a year on top of that Cammy is also the primary caregiver for her partner Bob I had the best childhood ever I was an only child and I lived with my mom and my grandpa only about three blocks away so I grew up in this community my grandpa spoiled me so bad I never had to walk to school in the rain I never had to walk to school in the snow the car was always heated before we got into it we were a close family we still are a close family my aunt my mom's sister my auntie my cousin who cares for my auntie her daughter uh we all grew up together and at one time we all lived in the same house I believe there was nine of us when I was a baby all of us my mom's brother his wife we were all living in the same house my childhood was really really special tell me about your mom my mom is an incredibly strong woman she raised me on her own with her father and it took courage my dad was an alcoholic a Charming Man an alcoholic and she came back in the 1958 and was pregnant with me and I have thanked her so many times for giving me the life that I was brought up in with the stability and the love and compassion that I had I got a a a cashiering job and uh I was there for 16 years until they closed my aunt by who was out in California in Los Angeles she called and asked what I was what I was doing and she says well can you come out here come out here I'll pay your way to come out and help me with my uh patients okay so that's what I did I went there and that was how I became a home health aid family has always been at the heart of cammy's life and her commitment to Bob remains unwavering though they live separately her dedication to him is clear so when Bob and I committed to one another many many years ago this was my ring and this is reminds me that I am still committed to this man this ring is my birthstone and inside it says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and so I'm committed to this man and I'm committed to this man and it's just a constant reminder on my hand until the end yeah last summer we took a trip to Chipawa Falls and we went to a zoo and Bob just connected with hyenas they got to liking me so I got them down and I could get them down on the ground with me and they would would roll back up and they would they just run back and forth we would and the Zookeeper even commented that she said I have never seen the high ever respond to somebody like they did him animals come up to me no matter where I go yeah an animal will come up to me I don't know why they just know you're a safe person on Valentine's Day we opened up a box of memories we open this box maybe every 3 or 4 years but this time it hit me so hard we come to my apartment and we sit down and the box is huge it's like this and this deep and it's every card Bob has ever given me every little trinket from the last 25 years and when Bob writes in a card he writes in uses all the space but what I realized this Valentine's Day is that I have been so busy caring and doing and caring for him that I forgot about the man who so passionately swept me off my feet that many years ago and so the emotion that it brought up was that's who he was but no that's who he still is this is the card from Bob and I don't know what year it was but this is when he could write what he wrote Camy the princess of my life and the one and only one that fills my life with joy I want you to know how special really special you are for putting up with me and loving me no matter what I love all the little things you do your smile when you don't feel like smiling you being yourself trying to help with me and the girls at work you are so much to so many people around you sometimes you don't even know what you do and you get tired but you just keep on going like that Energizer Bunny but your life with me is great and your love like mine is always safe together thank you for what you do and who you are never change love always with all my heart Bob just reminds me of who he was and still is in here in 2016 when Bob was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment and I saw his personality changing I saw everything changing with him I had to make a decision whether I was going to stay with him or apply for my own apartment I applied for my own apartment and it was 5 years before I was able to get one it was very difficult not knowing what was going on with him and how I approached him was we're not separating we're just getting more living space we're still going to have dinners together we're still doing everything together we're together we're committed to one another but we're just having more space and I think that was a misconception that some people had thinking that I was abandoning him and I said no I'm still available to him 247 I honestly don't know if living together with your person who has memory loss is easier or living separate I just called and he's having a tough time now and he's having trouble getting the words out and then he yells I just wish I would die I'm tired of doing this and I said you've got to do these to prevent blindness and he said I don't care I don't care if I go blind generally the the large the most significant contributors to stress for carriers do tend to be these behavioral issues that occur for the person living with dementia ranging from asking the same question over and over to wandering to potentially even uh aggressive verbal Andor physical Behavior taken together these behavioral issues can cause a great deal of stress on the part of families and a key element to intervention and support for family caregivers is helping them identify what are potential triggers to behaviors and then two how to cope with behaviors once they occur um that often takes uh a lot of work it's challenging for families particularly when families maybe don't necessarily uh fully grasp the notion that behaviors are really due to the Alzheimer's they're not due to some personal issue emotional issue Etc and helping families get to that point and and then developing a plan to approach and effectively uh address and or manage behaviors is is I would argue a core element of good caregiving support the stress level on some days I will get or I could get 23 phone calls in a day and you're ready to throw the phone out the window by that time but they can't help it because they can't remember you know but uh the stress uh I have migraines I live in chronic stress in my body but I still push forward and I just you have to do it there's nobody else to do it my responsibilities on a daily basis are at start in the morning and Bob calls me and checks in with me and then my call my mom and check in with my mom to make sure she's okay and then at supper time I'm very busy because I uh prepare supper for both of them my mom and Bob on Monday through Friday okay so all of these meals are cooked in the space yes in my little Easy Bake Oven you can't even get two big pans on here because there's only one big burner but I do it five nights a week Monday through Friday I cook for Mom I cook for Bob and then I deliver mom's I call Bob he comes up and gets his and we're good to go I am so blessed to be in the same apartment building as you know Bob is on first floor mom is on second floor I'm on the third floor and it works I do not have to get out in the winter time and start my car and deliver meals to one and the other we're all here so with that I always count my blessings and I'm very very [Music] grateful every day I count my blessings that you are willing to take care of all my needs I try to do as much as I can because I know that you have a million things to do every day on your schedule and even with the pain that you are in so often you still help me thank you with my love that could reach the moon and the stars that's how my daughter is she does everything for me I get meals on flipflops not Meals on Wheels but meals on flip-flops in the N9 years that I've been caregiving I feel like I it's like a finely oiled machine it just keeps on going but every now and then you get a you know something in there that that throws you off and then you have to deal with that but my community here is with my mom living on second floor she's been here 27 years and then my auntie across the hall and Bob on the first floor um I'm hoping to keep all of them here that's my intention is is is not to have them go anywhere and to care for them as long as I can and people always ask me well how are you going to do that what if what if what if and I say well I will cross what if when those things come cammy's goal has always been to keep both Bob and her mom close by so she can care for them together Donna was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer and this changed the trajectory of what her care looked like my mom had thought she had breast cancer for four years and she never told me go figure and so one day she was going to the hospital and for a different unrelated situation and she says I have to tell you something I have breast cancer and I said how did you know you've never gone to the doctor and so she told me that and so then we said well let's go get it officially diagnosed and so we did and immediately after that the uh oncologist said we're going to set you up with hospice and within days hospice was calling and set up and it has now been 13 months mom has been on hospice of my h a caregiver I love her oh she is so good she is she just takes care of me I can you know I cone on her I can call her anytime and you know tell her something's going on and she would be right here Donna what's different this week anything different uh I'm just going slower mhm and uh slower and like you're just tired you just feel tired yeah okay but your appetite is good my appetite is very good everything else is normal with you I'm snacking uh at 11:30 yeah at night okay that's noral that's normal Donna as a person to work with is um very easy I really don't have to do anything for her um she doesn't ask for anything um she pretty much takes care of herself it's just um a joy to come and visit with her and the whole team fights over who's going to come next time because we love her poems and she's so um Donna is so positive you know she is just so positive and has such a will to live and bring such joy to everybody that she meets even with the demands of caregiving for both Bob and Donna Camy knows the importance of taking care of herself Camy who takes care of Camy good question um I have found little ways to do um to take care of myself I can take care of myself through maybe little pedicures every now and then I enjoy reading I'm still able to go and have lunch or dinner with friends so I can still get out at this point in life okay so are you ever in the kitchen for you oh I am in the kitchen big time for me my therapy is in this kitchen Melissa when I'm really stressed out I love to bake so baking is and I love to eat but then I share it with people in the building I share it with Mom I share it with Bob I share it with Auntie I share it with my mom's neighbor so of course yeah it's great therapy the meetings I attend attend our monthly caregivers meetings and without them I think I would lose my mind because we are all like-minded sitting around the table we're all going through different phases of this journey of memory care of memory loss of of Life self-care is also a great challenge for caregivers um because there's an element I think sometimes of guilt if a caregiver feels like they're doing something good for themselves or fun for themselves um they feel guilty if if they're not bringing their person with them or sharing in that moment with their person um so at most of our group meetings we do touch on what are you doing for yourself because self-care is so important we want our caregivers to make sure that they are as healthy um holistically healthy as they can be and that makes them um in turn um to be able to provide more support um in a healthy way for the person that they're providing care for as we go around in the support group and people are able to share and especially if they've had a really hard challenging month Mimi and I will make it a point to say how are you taking care of yourself and so they're almost like in the hot seat until you know they can come up with something which I think makes them stop and think oh this is pretty critical and then the group can step in and maybe offer some suggestions but self-care is really critical and we talk about you know when the caregiver gets sick then what so it really hits home with people that self-care is certainly a priority Cammy understands that self-care is essential especially as she navigates this challenging Journey yet the reality of her mom being in hospice brings its own emotional weight there are two types of grief that I am going through together one is anticipatory grief and as a dual caregiver this is the first time I heard about this anticipatory grief is when a loved one who has a terminal illness but hasn't died yet and you see them losing little bits and pieces each day as they're getting close to the end then there's disenfranchised grief and that's when you're grieving the loss of their memory of someone who's still alive and you see them grieving because they're aware of what they can't do anymore and it is so hard and I'm dealing with both of these griefs at the same time as my mom has cancer has Donna talked to you about being on hospice oh yes oh you should hear our conversations and about passing on to the next Dimension oh yes we understand that very very well it's one step closer to meeting to leaving and I'm not sad about that because uh it's no fun anymore when you can't go someplace without worrying about what you have to do uh you know I get a shot in the eye which I can still see I can still walk with my Walker but it'll be nice to be to to leave to be with my mom and dad and uh my nephew who's gone it'll be sad to leave Camy but she feels like I do that Mom will be out of her pain mom will be free my mom has lived a really good life and she always tells me she's lived a good life and that she's ready to go I respected her decision by never going in to get this diagnosed and I asked her why didn't you tell me and she said I didn't want you to feel like you wanted me to go and I said I would have respected those feelings and so we've discussed this journey openly for a long time we talked about death when she was healthy and so we've always had an open mind towards death it's part of life every time it's sad I feel like you know end of life is sad but um I think if the family I think that's where hospice is so vital because we prepare the family as a unit for what's going to come and we sit and talk with the patients we have a grievance counselors that'll just come and listen you know they'll just come and listen and help patients to get over any kind of anxiety that they have uh personally um as a hospice nurse I kind of equate myself to a um birthing nurse because they help the patient to come in I'm helping them to go out to go to be reborn so I feel like at the end of life if you came in with love and you can go out with love isn't that what it's all about and so that's what we try to to achieve is let that person know that they're cared for that they're respected and they're going out with love I went up and stayed with my mom and I spent the night at the hospice facility for the last several nights and uh it was absolutely amazing escorting her out it was I've never been around anybody that has passed before and uh I told my mom mom you were there when I took my first breath and I will be there when you take your last wow oh and as only child and it was just her and me and it was it was absolutely beautiful the most beautiful thing I think I've ever gone through if I should go anytime soon don't be sad look look over the moon so close I will be never forget I live this long with no regret my life was good in fact it was great how lucky I was that this was my fate to be blessed with a mom and dad so fair and kind and a brother and sister as nice as you can find a daughter who you can't beat and a niece who is just as neat my grandsons turned out to be good men just as though they were Heaven Sent also a great nephew and niece how could I now not rest in peace what do you think the future looks like what do you hoping for the future the future I'm not sure really about that uh right now I'm doing good and and I'm enjoying my life in my times you know do you think about what you're going to do when you're your mother's in your mother's position honestly I just pray and ask God when Bob's gone please take me home because even though I have sons they're raising little ones and they've got lives and my mom used to say as a caregiver Cammy don't do this put me in a nursing home I don't want you taking care of me funny her mother was a caregiver my mother was a caregiver and now here I am a caregiver so no I I I don't know I will just go to the the nursing home and I'm good with that I don't want to put this on my kids call Cammy at the end of the day Bob and I will call one another and he'll usually call me at 8:00 p.m. and say are you ready to sing and then he sings a song to me and we both sing good night's sweetheart it's very special and we've been doing this for a long time and many many more I love you I love you too bud sweet dreams good night cammy's story is a poignant reminder of the emotional complexity that comes with supporting loved ones through illness cammy's commitment to both her mother and her partner showcased the strength and resilience that many caregivers embody next week we'll meet Jerry and Darlene an inspiring couple in their 80s facing different health issues and the endless tasks of home ownership join us as we explore their story tackling the tough conversations about independence and the realities of [Music] Aging production of inside Senior Living is made possible by Elder Mark Senior Living software helmouth and Johnson Lotus Pharmacy and kickernick gallery [Music]