BENJAMIN KLUTSEY: When we engage in conversations with people across differences, and when we facilitate these conversations, we talk about three very, very important principles.

Well, even before those principles, we go in saying, look, we're not trying to change your mind about anything, because once you say, I'm going, I want to change your mind about something.

Or they perceive that you want to change their minds about something, they become very defensive.

It's about who wins and who loses.

But we say, look, there are three principles that we care about.

Number one is respect.

The ideas that we're one another as dignified equals in a democracy of, you know, self-governance among equals.

We have to respect one another.

So we're equal.

We're going to respect one another.

If we agree on that principle, we can go on to the next principle, which is authenticity.

I'm not masking my views, youre not masking your views.

I'm going to be as honest as possible because I respect you so much.

And then we can move to the third principle, which is curiosity.

We cannot learn anything about each other if we are not able to ask questions.

So, so long as we agree on these principles, respect, authenticity and curiosity, we can now begin to have a conversation.

And oftentimes, the way we start is that we're engaging in reflective listening.

It's not about, hey, tell me why you're pro-guns or tell me why you're anti-guns.

No, we say, why might Angie think this way about guns?

I might go through some ideas and I try to put myself in your shoes when I'm putting myself in your shoes, I'm being very charitable, very generous, and giving a lot of grace.

Right.

And then you'd say, well, what did I get right?

And what did I get wrong?

And then you can correct me, fill in the blanks.

But you notice that I'm really making an effort to understand your perspective before we even get into the conversation.

And you do the same for me.

And I think that eases and brings the tension down.

And it makes for a much, much, much better, productive conversation.

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