featuring creative performances from the WVIA Studios.

I'm George Graham.

This time we have a great comedic singer-songwriter who turns her satirical attention to all kinds of subjects.

Here is Carla Ulbrich.

(audience applauding) (guitar strumming) - Thank you.

You know, some folks are jealous of their boyfriend's or girlfriend's exes.

I'm grateful.

They paved the way.

♪ Thank you, Joe's ex-girlfriends ♪ ♪ He never complains ♪ Thank you, Joe's ex-girlfriends ♪ ♪ You make me look sane ♪ I never wore a hand puppet everywhere ♪ ♪ And demand to get respect ♪ I never read you a seven-page list of your defects ♪ ♪ At least not yet ♪ Anything strange I ever said ♪ Doesn't even hold a candle to ♪ "If you don't stop calling me irrational, I'm really gonna fly off the handle!"

♪ Thank you, Joe's ex-girlfriends ♪ ♪ He never complains ♪ Thank you, Joe's ex-girlfriends ♪ ♪ You make me look sane ♪ I never said "Oh my god, what's that noise?

You're blinking!

Could you stop that?"

♪ I never showed a headless naked selfie to your friends ♪ ♪ And said, does she look fat ♪ I wear goofy clothes and I sleep until noon ♪ ♪ I make poopy jokes and watch SpongeBob cartoons ♪ ♪ I sing to the dog and I talk to the plants ♪ ♪ When I met you, I lived in a van ♪ ♪ I'm unemployable and sing songs about butts ♪ ♪ But after bat poop crazy ♪ I'm only nuts ♪ Thank you, Joe's ex-girlfriends ♪ ♪ He never complains ♪ Thank you Joe's ex-girlfriends ♪ ♪ You make me look sane ♪ I'm practically Martha Stewart ♪ ♪ Without the insider trading Just 'cause I don't know anything about that stuff.

(audience applaud) All right, thank you.

So a while back I moved from South Carolina to New Jersey.

- Woo!

- Oh, one woo, all right.

Was that "woo" for Jersey or South Carolina?

For Jersey.

All right, well, I got some stuff for Jersey folks coming up.

But when I first moved up, all my friends from South Carolina asked the same thing.

When I said I'm moving to New Jersey, they all said, "Why?

Aren't you supposed to do it the other way around?

Everybody moves from Jersey to South Carolina."

Then I got to Jersey and all my neighbors had the same question.

"There's two Carolinas?"

So I told 'em it was east and west.

(audience chuckle) I don't think they ever found out any different.

But I don't know why people don't know anything about South Carolina, we have famous people.

We have Hootie & the Blowfish.

Stephen Colbert, he's from South Carolina.

And Vanna White.

We're very proud of Vanna White, 'cause she can spell.

Which brings us to what we're not known for in South Carolina, great public education.

We're not usually in the top 10 states, or even the top 48.

Which brings us to our state motto, "Thank God for Alabama."

(audience laugh) Oh, the other big thing South Carolina's known for is, of course, we are where the Civil War started.

Still going.

Still got people in South Carolina wanna break off and form their own country, because you know what they say, "If it first you don't secede, try, try again," okay.

If you hated that, wait till you hear this.

♪ In an orchard in California ♪ When two oranges were combined ♪ ♪ The strainer's needless because they're seedless ♪ ♪ And they called them clementines ♪ (audience laugh) I tried to warn you.

I get a lot of ideas for songs, lots of ideas.

And they're not all winners.

Shocking, I know.

And some of them, I'm actually, look at the first verse that I've written and I'm like, "This is just a stupid idea."

So I'd like to do some of those for you now.

(guitar strumming) ♪ When I wake up and I'll wake up eventually ♪ ♪ I'll get my butt out of the bed at least by two ♪ ♪ Gonna go out ♪ I'm gonna head right out the door ♪ ♪ I'm gonna get some exercise, that's what I'll do ♪ ♪ And I just jogged 100 feet ♪ And tried to jog 100 more ♪ Then gasped for air and called a cab ♪ ♪ He said, where to ♪ I said, see that door ♪ Ta da da ta, ta da da ta ♪ Ta da da ta ♪ Ta da dun diddle da da dun diddle da da da ♪ This is where you sing back.

♪ Ta da da ta ♪ Ta da da ta ♪ No, I'm really not in shape, I'm aiming low ♪ Alright, thank you.

(audience laugh and applaud) Have you, like I, always wondered what would happen if Fred Flintstone and Mary Poppins were to get together?

Wonder no longer.

♪ Fictitious caveman, magical nanny ♪ ♪ One drove with feet and one flew ♪ ♪ Put 'em together and what have you got ♪ ♪ Yabbadee dabbadee doo And now you know.

Have you also, like me, been waiting and waiting for Pink Floyd to put out a Christmas album?

(audience cheer and laugh) It's overdue, don't you think?

Well, I started without them.

(guitar strumming) ♪ You can't have figgy pudding ♪ You can't have figgy pudding ♪ How can you have figgy pudding ♪ ♪ If you don't eat your meat ♪ No dark sarcasm in the classroom ♪ ♪ No dark sarcasm in the classroom ♪ ♪ No dark sarcasm in the classroom ♪ ♪ Teacher, leave them kids alone ♪ ♪ Hey, teacher, leave them kids alone ♪ ♪ All in all, you're just another brick in the wall ♪ ♪ You can't have figgy pudding ♪ You can't have figgy pudding Everybody.

♪ You can't have figgy pudding ♪ If you don't eat your meat You guys are super polite.

(audience applaud) I have to say.

We gotta break down these walls of politeness.

We'll get there.

We'll get there.

Speaking of Christmas, in April.

♪ Well, you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas ♪ ♪ Even with your 10-page wishlist ♪ ♪ That was 25 years ago ♪ Let it go, let it go, let it go ♪ That's enough Christmas.

Send this one out to anybody who has roommates or anybody they share a refrigerator with.

♪ If you want me to pick up something next time that I go ♪ ♪ To the grocery store ♪ Put it on the list ♪ Honey, would you get some detergent ♪ ♪ And some milk and eggs ♪ I said, here's a pen, put it on the list ♪ ♪ Did he want a squash or a zucchini ♪ ♪ Ziti, macaroni, or linguini ♪ Shoulda seen me ♪ You can bet that I'll forget ♪ Why I cave if I don't have it in writing, so ♪ ♪ Put it on the list And finally, don't point at anybody.

but do you have anybody in your life who every time you wanna go somewhere, it takes forever to get out the door?

Don't point, don't even look.

Just know this is for you.

(guitar strumming) ♪ We're not gonna make it ♪ No, we ain't gonna make it ♪ We're not gonna make it to the store ♪ ♪ It seems each time we go out ♪ You give your hair a blowout ♪ Then curl and gel, man, it takes so long ♪ ♪ Why put on such a big show ♪ It's only Office Depot ♪ This is our life, this is our song ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ Oh, well, all right, yeah ♪ We got the keys, yeah ♪ The gas lights is on E, no ♪ We're not gonna make it (Carla and audience clapping) ♪ No, we ain't gonna not gonna make ♪ ♪ We're not gonna make it ♪ To the store ♪ We're not gonna make it, no ♪ No, we ain't gonna make it Why are you changing your clothes again?

♪ To the store Your hair looks fine.

(audience cheer and applaud) All right, thank you.

So for my Jersey and New York people, I learned the difference between Mets fans and Yankees fans.

That was important to find out.

Yeah, Yankees fans are like, "Mets suck!"

And Mets fans are like, "Mets suck."

(audience laugh) That seems to be the difference.

And, now, the big difference between Southerners and New Yorkers, you know, we don't...

It's not that we don't swear down south, we just wait till we get home.

You know, it's not that we don't get mad, we just bottle it up and then talk about you for the next 20 or 30 years, behind your back.

And I found it kind of refreshing after I got used to it, that you never have to wonder if a New Yorker is mad at you.

You'll know.

So I'm gonna devote this one to New York and New Jersey.

Let me just...

It has some swear words in it, and you know, I've gotta bleep 'em.

I don't wanna get WVIA in trouble, so this is safe song practices here.

Oh, let me just get this in tune.

(kazoo blowing) (guitar strumming) Perfect.

(audience laugh) All right.

♪ If I had the copyright on the word (blows kazoo) ♪ ♪ I'd say (blows kazoo) this job and yourself ♪ ♪ You dumb (blows kazoo) ♪ No need for hard work and no need for luck ♪ ♪ If I had the copyright on the word (blows kazoo) ♪ ♪ Not a gasp, not a sigh from my mouth would be heard ♪ ♪ Nope, just a cha-ching when I hear the F-word ♪ ♪ If people got jealous of all of my wealth ♪ ♪ I tell them to copyright (blows kazoo) and (blows kazoo) ♪ ♪ If I had copyright on the word (blows kazoo) ♪ ♪ I'd have no need for (indistinct) ♪ ♪ Dang, darn, shoot, or shucks ♪ Four-letter word usages, perfectly honed ♪ ♪ I could retire on Jersey alone ♪ ♪ Where they say (blows kazoo) ♪ The (blows kazoo)-en mother (blows kazoo)-ers ♪ ♪ I don't give a (blows kazoo) ♪ Here's a (blows kazoo), take a (blows kazoo) stroke ♪ ♪ And hey, what the (blows kazoo) ♪ ♪ Those (blows kazoo)-ers will (blows kazoo) you ♪ ♪ So don't get (blows kazoo) up ♪ ♪ Quit (blows kazoo)-ing around ♪ ♪ Or you're gonna get (blows kazoo) ♪ ♪ If I had the copyright on the word (blows kazoo) ♪ ♪ I'd says (blows kazoo) this job and yourself ♪ ♪ You dumb (blows kazoo) ♪ No need for hard work and no need for luck ♪ All together!

♪ If I had the copyright on the word (blows kazoo) ♪ (audience laugh and applaud) Thank you.

All right.

So I was at a Mets game with Joe, my husband, and some lunatic fan just decided to run out on the field in the middle of the inning while they were playing.

And of course, security came and tackled him.

And the New York Post the next day, in its usual understated manner, wrote the headline, "Mets fan obliterated by security."

It's like, wow.

He was reduced to a subatomic state and I didn't even notice.

(audience chuckle) I think adjectives and verbs have gotten a little out of control.

With the overstatement.

Let's just talk about that for the next three minutes.

(guitar strumming) How's my hair?

He's like, "I'm neutral, I have no opinion.

I'm here with a camera.

I'm not hair and makeup," all right.

I feel like I messed it up with the harmonica holder.

(guitar strumming) TMI.

Back to words.

♪ No one simply says good job anymore ♪ ♪ Everything is perfect and awesome ♪ ♪ Seriously, would people even recognize now ♪ ♪ Perfect things if they saw some ♪ ♪ My brownies came out pretty good this time ♪ ♪ I appreciate all of the praise, y'all ♪ ♪ Delicious, tasty, yummy, okay ♪ ♪ But really they aren't amazeballs ♪ ♪ Word inflation ♪ Words are meaningless ♪ Word inflation ♪ It's a hot, hot mess ♪ A trend that cannot be reversed ♪ ♪ Everything is either the best or the worst ♪ ♪ I can't stand it ♪ Word inflation ♪ It's like the totally worst thing to ever happen ♪ ♪ On this planet (guitar strumming) ♪ He annihilated the arguments ♪ No, he simply raised an objection ♪ ♪ Benny went on a deranged rant ♪ ♪ It's called having a vocal inflection ♪ ♪ I get when you want to make a point ♪ ♪ Why do we need all the hype, though ♪ ♪ Oh man, what an epic fail ♪ Dude, it was just a typo ♪ Word inflation ♪ Language is eroding ♪ Word inflation ♪ It's literally exploding ♪ When every little thing is breaking news ♪ ♪ You got no choice words left to choose ♪ ♪ Where do you go ♪ Word inflation ♪ ROTFLMAO ♪ Rolling on the floor laughing my ♪ ♪ Oh, come on, you're just sitting in a chair ♪ ♪ With the death of the superlative ♪ ♪ We'll need wheelbarrows full of adjectives ♪ ♪ No words left for future generations ♪ ♪ They're gonna have to use scientific notations ♪ ♪ It'll be a disaster to the hundredth power ♪ ♪ Word inflation ♪ It caused a fall of Rome ♪ Word inflation ♪ A verbal thunder dome ♪ It's taking the world by storm ♪ ♪ Hyperbole is now the norm ♪ And it's a crime ♪ Word inflation ♪ I've said it a million times A million?

Oh yes, at least.

♪ Word inflation Kid I was always, you know, writing parodies of things and not, I didn't keep any of 'em.

We were just making up goofy things in the car.

And then I started writing songs in college, and I wrote all these heartbreak, serious introspective songs.

And then when I started going out and doing gigs, I would do these serious introspective songs and then tell ridiculous stories in between, which was kind of weird.

And eventually, someone looked at me and said, "Why don't you turn that story into a song?"

And that was what kicked off the whole...

It just never occurred to me that I could take those ridiculous stories and turn them into songs.

You know, strangely, one of my influences is Joe Giacoio, my husband.

A lot of songs, they're just rants.

He comes home and rants to me about something and I'm like, "Uh-huh?"

(laughs) And I'm just writing it down or typing it into my phone, or I'll surreptitiously turn on my voice recorder on my phone.

"Oh, what else?

Oh really, go on."

And he's naturally funny.

And so we...

He's one of my co-writers.

Although, he doesn't consider himself a co-writer because we're not sitting there with a guitar at the table.

He's just saying all this funny stuff and then I'll go away and turn it into a song.

And then I'll bounce it off him and he'll be like, "What about this, and what about that?"

But that's co-writing, but he doesn't think it is.

♪ I was just wondering, hypothetically ♪ ♪ What would you do, theoretically ♪ ♪ If something should happen accidentally or medically ♪ ♪ What if your girlfriend was gone ♪ ♪ If she died in a fire from a broken light fixture ♪ ♪ Or happened to swallow a poisonous mixture ♪ ♪ Would I find my way back into the picture ♪ ♪ If you were suddenly alone ♪ Would you call me up, would you write me a letter ♪ ♪ Would you tie a message to your Irish setter ♪ ♪ Try to get through so we could be together ♪ ♪ What if your girlfriend was gone ♪ Lemme just stop right here, 'cause I can see you're all wondering, "Why isn't this song a huge hit?"

(audience laugh) I too am baffled by this.

But I know you're also thinking, "Carla, don't give up.

The key to success in any meaningful endeavor is persistence, so just keep singing that song.

Don't ever change a word of it."

Wow, thank you.

That's really nice, but you're too late.

I've already rewritten the whole song.

I had some health problems a while back, and then I, as part of my healing, I went on a macrobiotic diet.

You ever been on a macrobiotic diet?

By silence, who's been on a macro... (laughs) All of you, okay.

Yeah, it's really hard.

No wheat, no dairy, no caffeine, no sugar, no chocolate, no reason to live.

I actually got too thin.

All better now, but for a brief period I was too thin.

Wrote this.

♪ I was just wondering, hypothetically ♪ ♪ What would you do, theoretically ♪ ♪ If something should happen accidentally or medically ♪ ♪ What if your butt was gone ♪ If sitting in a wooden chair felt like tax ♪ ♪ And you found you had nothing to hold up your slacks ♪ ♪ 'Cause instead of a butt, now you just had a crack ♪ ♪ Something would have to be done ♪ ♪ Would you write Dear Abby for advice in a letter ♪ ♪ Put a cushion in your chair to make it feel better ♪ ♪ Try to fatten up with brie and cheddar ♪ ♪ What if your butt was gone ♪ If your butt disappeared without a trace ♪ ♪ And everyone looked all over the place ♪ ♪ Why do you have that look on your face ♪ ♪ It could happen to you ♪ If that booty patootie, that sweet derriere ♪ ♪ Were now inexplicably no longer there ♪ ♪ How soon would you miss it ♪ How much would you care ♪ What do you think you would do ♪ ♪ Would you call me up, would you fall into pieces ♪ ♪ Would you make it the topic of your doctoral thesis ♪ ♪ Try to go out and find a prosthesis ♪ ♪ What if your butt was gone They make them, you know, a prosthesis.

I saw one at Spencer's.

That's where I get all my medical devices.

♪ A butt, as you know, could be curvy or flat ♪ ♪ Dimpled or pimpled, skinny or fat ♪ ♪ Just like an opinion, everyone's got one ♪ ♪ But what if your butt was suddenly not one ♪ ♪ If something should happen, hypothetically ♪ ♪ What would you do, theoretically ♪ ♪ If something should happen accidentally or medically ♪ ♪ What if your butt was gone ♪ Would you call me up, would you start confiding ♪ ♪ How you tried to make it grow with fluorescent lighting ♪ ♪ How you had to give up horseback riding ♪ ♪ What if your butt was gone ♪ Would you realize there's a good selection ♪ ♪ Shopping for clothes in the children's section ♪ ♪ Go to your closet, make a commotion ♪ ♪ Take all your pants and throw 'em in the ocean ♪ Here comes the sing-along.

♪ Does your butt hang low, does it wobble to and fro ♪ ♪ Can you tie it in a knot, can you tie it in a bow ♪ ♪ Can you sling it over your shoulder ♪ ♪ Like a Continental soldier ♪ What if your butt was gone (audience laugh and applaud) I know, it came back.

Brought some reinforcements.

(Carla sighs) This next one's about finding the perfect man.

It's fiction.

♪ I could always find a reason ♪ Why a man was not my style ♪ He was rude or crude or married ♪ ♪ Or he didn't ever smile ♪ But you are kind and charming ♪ ♪ And the model of restraint ♪ Just what I was looking for ♪ And that is my complaint ♪ Won't you please do something stupid ♪ ♪ So I can get over you ♪ If you really cared about me ♪ It's the least that you would do ♪ ♪ The perfect man's not in my plans ♪ ♪ I got too much to do ♪ So won't you please do something stupid ♪ ♪ So I can get over you ♪ At the dinner table you did not show me your scar ♪ ♪ You did not say you were in movies ♪ ♪ And I could be a star ♪ You didn't show up with your toothbrush ♪ ♪ Expecting you could stay ♪ You never asked how old I was ♪ ♪ Or how much I weigh ♪ Or on the way to take me home ♪ ♪ Your car did not run out of gas ♪ ♪ You did not stop to hock some loogies off the overpass ♪ ♪ Won't you please do something stupid ♪ ♪ So I can get over you ♪ If you really cared about me ♪ It's the least that you would do ♪ ♪ The perfect man's not in my plans ♪ ♪ I got too much to do ♪ So won't you please do something stupid ♪ ♪ So I can get over you (guitar strumming) ♪ It's always been so easy not to sweep me off my feet ♪ ♪ I was happy with my Irish setter and my parakeet ♪ ♪ Do you have to be so handsome ♪ ♪ Do you have to be so sweet ♪ I was sure I'd set my standards ♪ ♪ For someone I'd never meet ♪ I never date comedians because they never laugh ♪ ♪ Or anyone whose love letters are not at least a paragraph ♪ ♪ Or someone else's boyfriend ♪ Or anyone named Steve ♪ Or anyone in high school ♪ But you are none of these ♪ Won't you please do something stupid ♪ ♪ So I can get over you ♪ If you really cared about me ♪ It's the least that you would do ♪ ♪ The perfect man's not in my plans ♪ ♪ I got too much to do ♪ So won't you please do something stupid ♪ ♪ so I can get over you (audience applaud) Thank you.

Sometimes people ask me, "Carla, you write a lot of songs about relationships, has anybody ever written a song for you?"

As a matter of fact, yes.

It's a guy I was going out with.

Announced to me, "Hey, I wrote you a song."

And I was so excited and flattered until I heard it.

♪ I've got a totally average woman ♪ ♪ Stands about 5'3 ♪ I've got a totally average woman ♪ ♪ Weighs about 153 Do we really need to share that?

♪ She's a mean, mean woman ♪ Statistically mean You know, average.

♪ When she walks down the street ♪ ♪ Some people notice, some don't ♪ ♪ When she walks down the street ♪ ♪ Some people notice, but in general, most people don't ♪ ♪ Some guys will whistle ♪ Twice as many won't ♪ She can make a blind man hear ♪ (audience laugh) ♪ Make a deaf man see ♪ She could have any guy who is no better or worse than me ♪ ♪ I've got a totally average woman ♪ ♪ IQ of 100 That's it, just 100.

♪ She's a mean, mean woman ♪ Statistically mean ♪ She takes all my money ♪ Invest it in a mutual fund ♪ She takes all my hard-earned money ♪ ♪ Invest it in a highly diversified ♪ ♪ Dividend-producing mutual fund ♪ ♪ We will probably retire ♪ In a style to which we are accustomed ♪ ♪ Well, every night she beats me ♪ ♪ Oh Lord, she beats me so bad This took a very dark turn.

♪ Every night she beats me ♪ Oh Lord, how she beats me so bad ♪ ♪ She's the toughest Scrabble partner I have ever had ♪ ♪ She can let a sleeping dog lie ♪ ♪ Send a dead man to his grave ♪ When she was a young child ♪ She would occasionally misbehave ♪ ♪ I've got a totally average woman ♪ ♪ Stands about 5'3 point seven ♪ She's a mean, mean woman ♪ Statistically mean Baby, I would walk over room temperature coals for you.

(guitar strumming) (audience applaud) ♪ I am not saying you're a liar ♪ ♪ That you say things that may not be true ♪ ♪ I'm just saying when I look around ♪ ♪ There are things that I trust more than you ♪ ♪ Like pet food from China ♪ Tap water from Flint ♪ Subscriptions that auto-renew ♪ ♪ A mohel with tremors ♪ A psychic who's broke ♪ The cleanliness of a bowling shoe ♪ ♪ Miracle water from a TV creature ♪ ♪ A somewhat burned surge protector ♪ ♪ Nigerian email promising cash ♪ ♪ The meatballs at Hannibal Lecter's ♪ ♪ I'm not saying you're a liar ♪ That you say things that may not be true ♪ ♪ I'm just saying when I look around ♪ ♪ There are things that I trust more than you ♪ ♪ Like a guy reading the paper in a non-descript van ♪ ♪ Sitting across the street ♪ Gas station sushi ♪ A blind hairdresser ♪ A plate of Taco Bell meat ♪ My life savings in the stock markets ♪ ♪ A fart when I've got the flu ♪ A Bigfoot sighting, a set of used tires ♪ ♪ My cat with Pepe Le Pew ♪ Yeah, I'm not saying you're a liar ♪ ♪ That you say things that may not be true ♪ ♪ I'm just saying everywhere I look ♪ ♪ There are things that I trust more than you ♪ ♪ Like a $3 bill ♪ Hair in a can ♪ A period that's overdue ♪ Clean white walls and a toddler with crayons ♪ ♪ A hastily-packed parachute ♪ The ingredients in a hotdog ♪ Being in a cage with gorillas ♪ ♪ The five-second rule is an actual thing ♪ ♪ And OJ will catch the real killer ♪ ♪ Yeah, these are things ♪ That I trust more than you (audience applaud) All right.

Thank you.

All right, I got a really, pretty new one here, and this just happened last night, actually.

I mean, the song happened a few months ago, but it's about something that happens quite frequently.

And you can probably relate.

(guitar strumming) ♪ I got something that I need to confess ♪ ♪ All week long my house is a mess ♪ ♪ But someone's coming over and the place is a sight ♪ ♪ Gotta get it together, gotta do it tonight ♪ ♪ I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ No one else on earth could have made me ♪ ♪ But I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ Yeah, I tear through the house like a hurricane ♪ ♪ And I clean all the gunk and the hair from the drain ♪ ♪ Got my stuff put away, no more clothes on the floor ♪ Nobody open the closet door.

♪ I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ It sounds ridiculous, okay, maybe ♪ ♪ But I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ I don't rake the yard for the lawn guy ♪ ♪ The plumber's seen the bathroom all cruddy ♪ ♪ I don't straighten up for the handyman ♪ ♪ But this is not just anybody ♪ I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ You do it too, so don't y'all call me crazy ♪ ♪ We're all cleaning for the cleaning lady ♪ (audience applaud) All right.

True story, I'll just let you know when it's not a true story, they're all true stories.

This next one's a true story.

I think everyone knows about this from the last few years.

♪ When you're out on the town ♪ Going through the drive through ♪ ♪ Or heating up a can of pork and beans ♪ ♪ Or dancing up a storm in your living room ♪ ♪ It's the official uniform of the quarantine ♪ ♪ Sweatpants, they go with everything ♪ ♪ Sweatpants, be on trend if you dare ♪ ♪ Sweatpants, there's just no better choice ♪ ♪ For your long commute from the bed to the chair ♪ ♪ They're wearing them in all of the trendiest cities ♪ ♪ From Paris to Rome to Berlin ♪ These baggy cotton knickers never go outta style ♪ ♪ Because let's face it, they were never in ♪ ♪ Sweatpants, bow chickie bow bow ♪ ♪ Sweatpants, hey, they're pajamas too ♪ ♪ Sweatpants, not just for the self employed ♪ ♪ Because no one can see your pants on Zoom ♪ Paired with an oversized T-shirt, these versatile trousers feature a forgiving, nonjudgmental drawstring.

Seamlessly go from day to evening, to day, to evening, to day, to evening.

With color choices of dull, drab, or blah.

♪ Sweatpants, everybody's wearing 'em ♪ ♪ Sweatpants, come on and vogue ♪ ♪ Sweatpants, you work it, you work it ♪ ♪ Sweatpants One more from quarantine.

♪ Everybody's on Zoom ♪ Everybody's on Zoom ♪ Video conferencing all day long ♪ ♪ Everybody's on Zoom Ah, this is on?

Can you hear me?

Think you could turn off the TV?

Maybe turn down your speakers, they're feeding back.

Hello, what, are you talking to me, me, me?

♪ Everybody's on Zoom ♪ Everybody's on Zoom ♪ I didn't say everyone knew how to use it ♪ ♪ Just that everybody's on Zoom ♪ Work meetings, book clubs, 12-step groups ♪ Using virtual calls to resume ♪ ♪ what really is needed most right now ♪ ♪ Are some meetings on how to use Zoom ♪ ♪ Everybody's on Zoom ♪ Everybody's on Zoom ♪ Video conferencing all day long ♪ ♪ Everybody's on Zoom The perverts started crashing the meetings and flashing everybody, that's just sick.

♪ Of course, when you invite every Tom, Dick, and Harry ♪ ♪ Don't be surprised when you get Tom's hairy ♪ ♪ Everybody's on Zoom ♪ Everybody's on Zoom ♪ Fish gotta swim, flashers gotta flash ♪ ♪ Everybody's on Zoom (audience laugh and applaud) Just dancing right up to that line.

Okay, so I'm allergic to latex.

Anybody else here allergic to latex?

No.

It's not really that widely known of a thing.

So I thought maybe we should get some of those awareness bracelets made for the cause, you know?

And then not only would the bracelet draw attention to latex awareness, allergy awareness, but the big, red, swollen rash around the bracelet would really drive the point home.

Also allergic to gluten.

Anybody else here gluten-free?

No.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm one of those annoying gluten-free people.

And my friends are like, "Oh, you're just being picky."

Oh, yeah, 'cause I hate those things with gluten.

Cake, cookies, pies, pasta, pizza.

If I was gonna pretend to be allergic to something, I'd pick something gross, like canned peas.

I would love to try your tunabunga, but I'm casserole intolerant.

(audience laugh) And it's not helped that I'm a bad cook.

I mean, that doesn't help matters at all.

In fact, I am such a bad cook.

- [Audience] How bad are you?

- Thank you.

I can ruin takeout.

(audience speak indistinctly) (laughs) Thank you.

Yeah, I am such a bad cook.

- [Audience] How bad are you?

- My trash can is like, "No, really, I'm stuffed.

Why don't you try the garbage disposal, he looks hungry."

So that brings me to a solution, sort of a solution.

It's not a permanent solution, but occasionally I'll take a day and just eat nothing.

(guitar strumming) ♪ Lemme tell you what's great about fasting ♪ ♪ Why I changed my attitude ♪ No meal planning, no dishes ♪ Of course, the downside is no food ♪ ♪ Lemme tell you what's great about fasting ♪ ♪ It'll clean you out, by gosh ♪ It'll rid your body of toxins ♪ ♪ Of course, the downside is you can't nosh ♪ ♪ Why do they call it fasting ♪ That's what I'd like to know ♪ 24 hours of starving ♪ Actually goes by pretty darn slow ♪ ♪ Lemme tell you what's great about fasting ♪ ♪ Losing weight, that's pretty neat ♪ ♪ And more time for meditation and all that crap ♪ ♪ And eventually you get to eat ♪ Solo!

(imitates trumpet) ♪ It's quite an ancient practice ♪ ♪ It's in the Bible, don't you know ♪ ♪ But it's easier to resist a loaf and a fish ♪ ♪ Than a box of double-stuffed Oreos ♪ ♪ Lemme tell you what's great about fasting ♪ ♪ How it's made my life complete ♪ ♪ Tomorrow I'll be dining ♪ Stuffed full and reclining ♪ Abusing my stomach lining ♪ When I finally get to eat You know, it's really...

The way I like to write is a great conversation If something has to really...

I either have to...

If I'm gonna write a parody of something, I either have to love that song or I have to hate that song.

You know, I have to be like, "This song is so awful, I'm gonna lamb base it."

Or, "I just love this song so much and I can't do it justice, so I'm gonna change the word and just have fun with this song that I really love."

So the parodies, you know, those songs, I either love them or hate them.

And you can just guess which are which.

So (laughs) I won't say.

But, the regular songs, the best ones, especially the humorous songs, they come from conversations.

They're always sparked from conversations that I have.

Occasionally it's something I overhear of other people saying.

That's kind of a Nashville way to do it.

It's a lot of eavesdropping on other people's conversations.

I don't do that very much, but it's usually a conversation that I have with a friend and we will either be texting, or we'll be talking, or we'll be hanging out, or somebody will be ranting, and one of us will go, "Oh, that's a song."

If it's gonna be at all compelling, it's gotta have emotion to it.

There has to be a strong feeling to it.

And same with comedy, and the same with straight songs.

You know, you have to care about it or, you know, you're gonna lose interest in it.

And from the complete other end of the spectrum...

This is a crime in Texas, but we're not in Texas.

♪ On the commode again ♪ Just can't wait to get on the commode again ♪ ♪ Some people call it making music with your rear end ♪ ♪ I can't wait to get on the commode again ♪ ♪ On the commode again ♪ Going in places that I've never been ♪ ♪ Seeing things I hope I never see again ♪ ♪ I can't wait to get on the commode again ♪ ♪ On the commode again ♪ On the can, the John, the throne, the loo, the crapper ♪ ♪ For all this time I spend ♪ I've read everything from novels to knee-slappers ♪ ♪ And tampon wrappers ♪ On the commode again ♪ Passing the time on the commode again ♪ ♪ Hope no one hears this music coming from my rear end ♪ ♪ I can't believe I'm on the commode again ♪ ♪ On the commode again ♪ It can really be a problem on the highway ♪ ♪ We're improvising them behind a tree or bush ♪ ♪ All I need is a little privacy ♪ ♪ And some TP ♪ Till I find a commode again ♪ I just can't wait to get on the commode again ♪ ♪ I'd rather be out on the trampoline with my friends ♪ ♪ But I can't wait to get on the commode again ♪ (audience applaud) Well, tomorrow, is it tomorrow?

Yeah, tomorrow it's gonna be super hot again.

Usually it's Memorial Day, is the weekend where we get to stop complaining about how cold it is and start complaining about how hot it is.

(guitar strumming) ♪ Well, it's 100 degrees out again today ♪ ♪ And my air conditioner quit ♪ And no one can fix it till next week ♪ ♪ I was about to throw a fit ♪ So I decided to go to Costco ♪ Just to stand inside and cool down ♪ ♪ Then I ran into a friend in the cereal aisle ♪ ♪ And I guess he was joking around ♪ ♪ He asked me, is it hot enough for ya ♪ ♪ Is it hot enough for ya ♪ Man, it's gotta be about 103 ♪ Is it hot enough for ya Everyone's a comedian.

♪ It's annoying, I tell you what ♪ ♪ When your heat rash has got a heat rash ♪ ♪ And your bra strap is melted shut ♪ I mean, even the weeds were wilted.

♪ When I went to mow the lawn ♪ Then I barbecued some hamburgers ♪ ♪ And I didn't even turn the grill on ♪ ♪ And you ask me, is it hot enough for ya ♪ ♪ Is it hot enough for ya ♪ Man, it's gotta be about 103 ♪ Is it hot enough for ya ♪ Well, I burned my hand on the driver's seat ♪ ♪ My cursing made a sailor blush ♪ ♪ Snow white changed her name today ♪ ♪ Now she's just called Slush ♪ The itsy bitsy spider ♪ Made it up the water spout ♪ All the sculptures by Salvador Dali ♪ ♪ Yesterday they straightened out ♪ ♪ You think you're so dang funny ♪ ♪ With that old worn-out cliche ♪ ♪ I've been in this store 10 minutes ♪ ♪ You're the third one I heard say ♪ ♪ Is it hot enough for ya ♪ Is it hot enough for ya ♪ Man, it's gotta be about 103 ♪ Is it hot enough for ya (audience applaud) All right.

I'm gonna break pattern a little bit.

This song is based on a scientific study done on rats.

They were trying to understand the cause of addiction, and so they picked this group of 20 rats and they gave them two bottles.

One had morphine and one was just plain water.

One was morphine water, and regular water, and they wanted to play around with the different things and figure out why they might get addicted, so.

(guitar strumming) ♪ In the basement of the science lab studying addiction ♪ ♪ The experiment was conclusive ♪ ♪ Matching their prediction ♪ Each one had two bottles ♪ One with water, one morphine ♪ 20 rats in 20 cages ♪ None of them stayed clean ♪ Many times in many places ♪ The trial was replicated ♪ Drugs as powerful as this should have never been created ♪ ♪ We got to keep them off the streets ♪ ♪ By every possible means ♪ 20 rats in 20 cages ♪ None of them stayed clean I tried to warn these rats about how this would go.

I told them, "Use willpower, just say no."

Told 'em about their strung out friends and relatives I'd seen.

♪ But those 20 rats in 20 cages ♪ ♪ None of them stayed clean ♪ Then Dr. Alexander came onto the scene ♪ ♪ He said, "I'm looking at these rats, disengaged.

These are social creatures trapped in isolation.

Problem's not the morphine."

♪ The problem is the cage ♪ He sprung them from confinement ♪ ♪ Gave them toys and space ♪ Lots of room to exercise ♪ And even room to mate ♪ They still had two bottles, one with water, one morphine ♪ ♪ Those 20 rats, free from their cages ♪ ♪ None of them, no, all of them stayed clean ♪ ♪ All of them stayed clean (audience applaud) Thank you.

So sometimes when you get to meet someone from another culture, it's hard to bridge the language.

So this is a duet for myself and a Klingon.

Klingon couldn't make it, so I'll be doing both parts.

♪ I say potato and you say (speaks in Klingon) ♪ ♪ I say tomato, and you say (speaks in Klingon) ♪ ♪ Potato, (speaks in Klingon), tomato, (speaks in Klingon) ♪ ♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪ ♪ I say pajamas and you say (speaks in Klingon) ♪ ♪ I say bananas and you say (speaks in Klingon) ♪ ♪ Pajamas, (speaks in Klingon), bananas, (speaks in Klingon) ♪ ♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪ ♪ But oh ♪ If we call the whole thing off then we must part ♪ ♪ And oh, (speaks in Klingon) What?

(speaks in Klingon) (speaks in Klingon), can't speak Klingon.

(speaks in Klingon), no idea what you're saying.

(speaks in Klingon), and I don't care.

(speaks in Klingon), oh hush ♪ We better call the calling off off ♪ ♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪ Okay, here's the part where the Klingon tap dances.

(guitar strumming) Just use your imagination.

♪ But oh ♪ If we call the whole thing off then we must part ♪ ♪ And oh, (speaks in Klingon) Ugh, don't you know any English?

Surrender or die.

Okay, then if you say (speaks in Klingon), I'll say "okay".

You say (speaks in Klingon), I'll say "no problem".

(speaks in Klingon), whatever.

(Carla speaks in Klingon) ♪ We better call the calling off off ♪ ♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪ (Carla speaks in Klingon) (audience applaud) Thank you.

All right, I'm gonna go out on a limb for y'all.

This is another new one.

I'm not sure I have it memorized.

This is so new, I didn't even do it on the Homegrown Late Night session.

I hadn't written it yet, so.

Before I met my husband, I dated a lot of what we'll call people.

(guitar picking) I wanted to date a plumber, but I just couldn't take the plunge.

So I dated a lawyer, briefly.

(audience laugh) The postman was nothing to write home about.

The lumberjack had an ax to grind.

The garbage man dumped me.

I thought my relationship with the cemetery groundskeeper was solid, but it turns out it wasn't etched in stone.

It was a grave mistake that I shouldn't have undertaken.

I was going out with a NASCAR driver, but it felt like we were just going around in circles.

So I went out with a magazine editor, but it turns out I wasn't his type.

Dated a cartographer.

He didn't like my latitude.

The professional bowler never had time to spare, and his mind was always in the gutter.

It wasn't up my alley, so I split.

Dated a boxer, total knockout.

But the accordion player was my main squeeze.

Trying to communicate with the dentist, that was like pulling teeth.

So I went out with a chef, but he had too much on his plate.

I was at this party and I met a guy who told me he was a whale hunter.

He was lying, but I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

When I found out the truth, I couldn't stop blubbering.

The abstract poet broke up with me.

There was no rhyme or reason.

And then I finally met a great guy, but I broke up with him because he had terrible taste in women.

(audience applaud) All right, you're just going to encourage me.

I'll pull another one outta the deep catalog here.

This is a true story of the youngest person to ever graduate from college.

It wasn't me, not with my math skills, or anyone else from South Carolina, as a matter of fact.

But he was 11 years old when he got his college degree.

His record, his Guinness Book record, it has since been broken by a 10-year-old and a 9-year-old, but at the time, they did this interview with him when he turned 21 on late-night TV and they're like, "Well, what have you been doing for the last 10 years?"

So this is his story.

(guitar strumming) ♪ I was 11 years old when I finished my degree ♪ ♪ Got my picture in the paper, my story on TV ♪ ♪ To be so young and so amazing ♪ ♪ Took a genius, they were sure ♪ ♪ I was the center of attention ♪ ♪ My future was secure ♪ I'm the boy wonder ♪ They all know my name ♪ They call me the boy wonder ♪ But still, I feel the same ♪ Talk about boy wonder and the glory that it brings ♪ ♪ But I'm the boy wonder and it doesn't mean a thing ♪ ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪ I was told it was an honor when I made the Guinness Book ♪ ♪ So I opened up a copy, I just thought I'd take a look ♪ ♪ My perusal was revealing, I still see it in my sleep ♪ ♪ Haunted by the volume of the company I keep ♪ ♪ The largest ball of twine and the longest fingernails ♪ ♪ People struck by lightning ♪ The fastest moving snails ♪ Tallest totem pole and the longest loaf of bread ♪ ♪ Most objects juggled while turning pirouettes ♪ ♪ Largest jigsaw puzzle and the biggest piece of cheese ♪ ♪ My years of study had earned a place with these ♪ ♪ So I forfeited my childhood living in the public eye ♪ ♪ And a paragraph in Guinness was my consolation prize ♪ ♪ Now my future lay before me ♪ My options open wide ♪ So when I graduated college ♪ I went back to junior high ♪ I'm the boy wonder, but now I've changed my name ♪ ♪ Because I always wondered what it's like to be the same ♪ ♪ No longer living under the attention that it brings ♪ ♪ Yeah, I was the boy wonder and it didn't mean a thing ♪ ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo (audience applaud) Did you know Jersey has no state song?

Yeah, it's the only state in the country that has no state song.

Other states have multiple state songs.

They tried to get some legislation going to make "Born to Run" the Jersey state song.

And then somebody read the words.

(audience laugh) "I wanna die with you, Wendy, on the streets tonight."

Not exactly drawing in the tourism, so I thought I'd make a few tweaks.

(guitar strumming) (kazoo buzzing) ♪ There's a Missouri Waltz, Rocky Mountain High ♪ ♪ And I love you, California ♪ Georgia on my Mind, New York, New York ♪ ♪ And Blue Moon of Kentucky ♪ Tennessee's got nine official songs ♪ ♪ But Jersey, we ain't got diddly squat ♪ ♪ No, well, maybe there's a reason for that ♪ ♪ It's a death trap with high property tax ♪ ♪ But still is just plain wrong ♪ ♪ It's the only state that doesn't have its own state song ♪ (kazoo buzzing) Take it, Carla.

(kazoo buzzing) ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (audience applaud) Thank you very much.

I'm Carla Ulbrich.