[light-hearted intriguing music] Looking stressed.

Hm?

No, I'm fine.

I feel your pain, Tim.

-You so?

-Sure.

-Chlamydia can be a nightmare.

-No.

Hey, don't be ashamed.

I've got some ointment if you... No, Sir, it's nothing like that.

It's...

I've been invited to my son's Summer Ball, and I don't have a date.

Oh, yeah, I'd love to come.

No.

-Next Thursday.

-Mm-hmm.

Damn, I've got a waterboarding.

Ah, pity.

-What about asking Caitlin?

-No.

-Asking Caitlin what?

-Nothing.

Bye.

Tim wants to ask you on a date.

What?

That's completely misunderstood.

You just told me th - Just told you that I have an amazing date... lined up.

Remember?

Well, no, we were talking about your disease.

I don't have a disease!

I don't have a disease.

-Well, what's her name?

-Who?

Your date.

What's her name?

Kari... anna... suz... andi.

Karianna-suzandi?

Mm-hmm.

Tim, are you making this up?

No, I used to know a girl called that.

-Really?

-At the academy.

Oh, Well.

Where's she from?

-Hm?

-Karianna-suzandi?

Where's she from?

Very far away.

Ah, long-distance relationships.

Pppfff.

-Tricky.

-Hm.

Not ideal.

I'll leave you to it.

It's for the old, uh... [whistles] [opening theme music plays] [jazz-style music] What's the market cap on this one again?

290 mill.

What do you reckon?

I don't know.

It's PE is still sluggish... Mrs Godfrey.

-Seize the computer.

-What's going on?

-Sorry, Philip.

-Bernice, the CD Roms.

-Right.

-What are you doing?

Who's she?

We believe you've been embezzling school funds.

[Philip] What?

No!

[machinery clunking] -What the hell just happened?

-[Cohen] I don't know.

-Did you do something?

-No.

No, there must be some kind of mistake.

The evidence is on your computer.

But I only use it to check MySpace.

Now we know you're lying.

No one uses MySpace.

I do, actually.

I'm taking control of the school with immediate effect.

My daughter Bernice will be my acting deputy until we can find a permanent replacement.

What... what about me?

You will be given a non-operational role pending the outcome of the investigation.

What does that mean?

He'll be washing netball kit the rest of his working life.

[alarm sounding] I feel a great disturbance in the Force.

[light-hearted upbeat music] [sing-song] You don't have a date for the party.

[Tim] Yes, I do.

I bet you a hundred bucks you don't have a date.

Portis!

Leave him alone.

No you know what?

You know what you're on!

OK?

You are on!

And let's make it really interesting, shall we?

No wait, a hundred bucks, that's, like, 70 pounds.

That's plenty.

Come on, who else wants a piece of this action then, huh?

-20 on Portis.

-I'll take Portis.

-50 on Portis.

-I meant me.

[chatter] Portis... 50... [upbeat music] So where are we on the entertainment?

I finally got the call back from the juggler.

Let's just say his CRB check didn't go quite as well as he'd hoped.

What about the DJ?

He'll do it, but he can only play German Techno.

Oh come on, people.

The party's in ten days, and so far we have no music, a magician who may be available if he's out of rehab, and as for the ice cream vendor, the only things that are frozen are his assets.

I mean, seriously, is there anything else that could go wrong?

Well, isn't this cosy?

Mrs Godfrey.

-How are preparations going?

-Fine.

Good.

It won't be hard for your successor to get up to speed.

My successor?

I've decided that Nick should take over the Committee.

But Philip already appointed me three weeks ago.

Mr Quill doesn't make the decisions around here any more.

And you won't be needing this, will you?

I think you should sit detention this evening.

Give yourself some time to work on that attitude.

[Tim] Just the man!

-I need your cynical brilliance to help me... -Shh... What?

Can you hear that?

No.

The sound of the wind caressing the leaves.

Oh, OK. -Who is she?

-An angel.

Brilliant.

Just when I need you to find me a woman... you become a floppy mess.

Women aren't a commodity, Tim, to be traded like cattle.

They should be cherished like an autumn mist or the tears of a mermaid.

-Where were you?

-Oh, bloody hell.

You were supposed to pick up my dry cleaning.

I'm sorry, my acorn.

I was practising our song.

Bernice and I are doing a duet at the party.

-We're not.

-Isn't she amazing!

Okay, I, erm, should probably go and find Marcus.

He's managed to disappear.

Very nice to meet you, Bernice.

She's a keeper.

[strums a chord] ♪ Take me on a journey, Bernie ♪ Bernice.

[adds last syllable] ♪ ...ice ♪ ♪ Take me on a journey, Bernice ♪ Marcus.

[Philip crying] -[crying] -What are you doing?

I don't want to talk about it.

OK. Have you seen Marcus?

He's in detention.

Detention, why?!

She's too powerful, Tim.

Who?

Too powerful.

[sobbing] It's going to be difficult to get the governors to agree to your salary increase -while the school is running over-budget.

-Hm.

What if we cut back on Science equipment?

That could work.

And anyway, how many of these runts are actually going to become scientists?

-Not many now.

[laughing] OK, why don't you go and do a quick stock check.

[knocking on the door] [abruptly] Yes.

I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.

Spying now?

Detention again on Tuesday.

I did have a suggestion for you.

A suggestion?

Yes.

About your current financial predicament.

But I can see you're busy.

I apologise.

Thirty seconds.

If you set the school up as an offshore company with you and your daughter as joint directors, you could charge the guests an entry fee but take the cash out in tax-free dividends.

That might generate income, but hardly enough to get excited about.

But who's to say the company can't make larger investments secured against the school's assets?

All you would need is a sign-off from... -The headmistress.

-And her deputy.

I don't have time to run a company.

No.

But I do.

Cheers.

Well, no, uh... it's more of a government job, really.

So all rather top secret, I'm afraid.

-Um - -The toilets are disgusting.

-What are you doing here?

-Thank God, I bring my own.

[Tim] Ugh.

-You're in my seat.

-No.

Don't worry, Tim, I can handle this.

Come on, darling, push off.

Er... leave her alone.

How's it looking tonight, any action?

No.

No.

It is a bit flat isn't it?

She was quite tasty.

You should have taken a pop.

-Did you follow me here?

-Yeah, sorry.

Mum wanted me out for bridge night, so... Oi!

Oi!

Target acquired.

Excuse me, allow me to get these, ladies.

No, it's OK, thanks.

-I insist.

-No, really.

-It's fine.

-Who's next?

Er, yeah, we'll have, erm... -A mojito... -And a vodka and tonic.

Wow, OK. Little more expensive than I was anticipating.

Oh, sorry.

We... we can change.

No, damage already done.

Tim, have you got any cash?

-No.

-Please, don't worry.

It's OK. Can I pay with a card?

-£20 minimum.

-We'll just get our own.

[Owen] OK.

Here's the deal.

The good news is I am prepared to shell out the twenty.

But before I invest, let me lay my cards out on the table.

Tim is desperate, so will probably be prepared to take either one of you.

I prefer you.

Don't take offence, it's not a deal-breaker.

So what I am suggesting is this: us four, large bottle of cider, shotgun a Nando's, back to yours for a crazy hour, hour and a half, max?

What d'you say?

-No.

-One no, and you're a... -No.

-Sure?

-Yes.

-Wavering... Yeah, that's a definite no.

I am so sorry about him.

Fair enough.

[bar music playing] [upbeat music] [soft sigh] [light tap on door] [Mrs Godfrey] All done?

Yes.

You know the drill.

[muttering] You can go now, Philip.

I'll drive Marcus home.

-But... -I said I'll drive you home.

[metal clunking] Has the food arrived?

Being unpacked now.

Where are you going?

Me and Bernie need to practice our duet.

But Miss Godfrey told me she wasn't doing it.

She's teasing you.

[laughing] God, she's so funny!

-Don't worry, I'll speak to her.

-Hurry, the party starts in three hours.

Oh, and Philip...

I've got a special assignment for you.

Mrs Godfrey's request.

Oh.

Yes?

Yeah, Tim.

I heard this Karianna Suzandi had to cancel?

Who?

Oh, right, yep.

Yeah, so you've no date for the party?

Apparently not.

I have an idea... Sir, if you don't mind, I'd really rather you didn't interfere any more.

OK. Fair enough.

I've got you a date!

I thought you weren't going to interfere.

-I lied.

-Right, well... tough, because I don't want to know.

OK, fine, fine.

If you wanna make a fool of yourself in front of Portis and Caitlin, and your son.

-It's not you, is it?

-No.

I'm not going with you.

You've made that painfully clear.

No, her name is 'LA69'.

That's a strange name, I thought.

-Is this from a dating website?

-No.

-Is this from a dating website?

-Yes.

-Cancel it!

-I've got a photo.

I'm not interested... although, it would be rude not to show up.

-Want me to cancel?

-I don't wanna let you down.

Listen, it's fine.

I can go.

-No, you're right, I'll cancel.

-I can go!

It'll be fun.

This is exciting!

You send a photo of me?

I sent a photo of Ryan Gosling.

We have a similar bone structure.

She's gonna meet you at the school gates at 6:15 sharp.

Thank you, sir.

[upbeat music] [Mrs Godfrey] 86,000.

And that's just from the last four days.

You've done some good work, Marcus.

It was nothing.

But I'm still not sure I have your full respect.

No.

I think another month of detention could set you straight.

What do you say?

Thank you, Mrs Godfrey.

[Chris] I made it for you!

I don't want it.

Have it later, then.

We need to get rehearsing anyway.

Rehearsing?

The duet, silly!

When are you going to get it into your stupid head?

I am not singing with you.

But the song stands as a beacon of our love.

It's called 'A Beacon of Our Love'.

But I don't love you.

What?

How could I ever love you?

You're nothing to me.

Don't say that.

I can change.

Just tell me and I'll... change.

But I love you.

I love you.

[sobbing, eating] I love you so much.

I love you.

Bernie!

I love you!

[gentle intriguing music] Are you feeling a little better?

Don't know what I did wrong.

It had nothing to do with you.

The Godfreys are pure evil.

How would you like a chance to get even?

So, Tim... did you find your hot date for tonight?

Leave him alone.

-I did, actually.

-Yeah, right.

Ignore him, Tim.

Forget about the bet.

The hell he can!

-Portis!

-I'm serious.

I have a date.

-Really?

-Mm-hmm.

I'm meeting her at the school gates.

We're just gonna have to tag along, then.

Not that I don't trust you.

You can't come.

Aha!

No, because you need tickets.

You mean, like these?

[gasps] Oohh.

You're not seriously coming to my son's school party?

-Yeah, we're coming.

-Whoo-hoo, party!

♪ Mm, mm, mm-mm ♪ ♪ Yeah, it's summertime In my little town ♪ ♪ There's sunny faces All around me ♪ ♪ Summertime Whoa oh oh ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Summertime In our little town ♪ ♪ There's sunny faces All around me ♪ ♪ Summertime Whoa oh oh ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Summertime Whoa oh ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ Maybe we'll have one of these little rug rats someday.

What?

You'll have to quit your job, of course.

I was thinking, move back to Nebraska.

Nebraska?

[Nick] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the St Benjamin Wildcats!

[rhythmic music rises] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ One, two, three, four ♪ ♪ The Wildcats Go, go, the Wildcats ♪ ♪ Wildcats Go, go, the Wildcats ♪ ♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪ ♪ The Wildcats ♪ ♪ Go, go, the Wildcats Wildcats ♪ [music continues muffled] [low] Please no, please no, please no.

[low] Whew.

You have got to be kidding me.

[music playing] Would you like to dance?

No.

Want some food - Justine, can't you see I'm busy?

We have a similar bone structure.

Anyway, what about your photo?

What about it?

At least that's actually me.

That was you?

What are you trying to say, Tim?

What about all that 'LA69' stuff?

I was born in 1969.

And my initials are 'L.A'.

Leslie Ash.

-Your name is Leslie Ash?

-What's your point?

-Tonight couldn't get any worse.

-We agree on something.

[Portis laughs] Shut up!

-You going to introduce me?

-No.

Hi, Leslie.

-Look, it's Leslie.

-Yay.

Are you at least gonna get me a drink?

[laughing] [electric guitar strums] ♪ Why'd you have To hurt me, Bernie?

♪ ♪ You drained my heart like taxidermy ♪ ♪ I'm gonna kill you, better get an attorney ♪ ♪ Bernie ♪ ♪ I hate Bernice ♪ ♪ You're a disease like scurvy, Bernie ♪ ♪ And all that food makes you curvy, Bernie ♪ ♪ Want you to die, you don't deserve me, Bernie ♪ ♪ Bernie, I hate Bernice ♪ ♪ You're a disease like scurvy, Bernie ♪ ♪ And all that food makes you curvy, Bernie ♪ ♪ Want you to die, you don't deserve me, Bernie ♪ ♪ Die ♪ What do you want?

We don't have much time.

Call this number in ten minutes and say what's on the back.

Why should I do anything for you?

It's not for me, it's for you.

Why would I trust you?

You betrayed me.

You're wearing a skirt and pompoms.

Seriously, what have you got to lose?

It's up to you.

♪ Why can't she just miss me ♪ ♪ when I'm gone?

♪ ♪ And why won't she just kiss me ♪ ♪ when she's wrong?

♪ [laughing] Look at them!

Aren't you glad we've got each other?

Mm-hmm.

[Philip sighs] [music continues faintly] Yes, yes, erm, I'd...

I'd like to report a crime.

Can we go yet?

Soon.

It's nearly over.

[guitar solo plays] Do you want to dance?

[Nick] What's going on?

What are the police doing here?

Mr Quill has made serious allegations against you involving improper financial dealings.

I can assure you Mr Quill is grossly mistaken and motivated solely out of bitterness.

How dare you!

Would you mind opening the safe, please, Mrs Godfrey?

[gasps] What's this?

That little... Hey!

He sat right here.

-He did all the accounts.

-Who did?

Marcus Elliot.

He's in Year 6.

Are you saying you had a child doing your accounts?

My god, he planned it all along.

There must have been others.

-Of course.

- [drilling] Someone had to drill through the wall.

And the badge.

They're all in on it.

It's a conspiracy.

Sarge, looks like Mr Quill was right.

This appears to show large sums of money being paid into the private accounts of Mrs Godfrey and her daughter.

No, you've got it wrong.

Tell them, Philip.

You saw Marcus in here.

I'm sorry, Mrs Godfrey, I didn't see anyone, but then again I was quite busy washing netball outfits.

Mrs Godfrey, Miss Godfrey, we are arresting you both on suspicion of fraud.

You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not...

Thank you.

I don't know what you mean.

[chuckles] But where did all the cash go?

-It's safe.

-[Philip] Hmm.

So, erm, did you enjoy seeing me make a t*t out of myself?

A little bit, yeah.

Has anyone seen Chris?

He said he'd make his own way home.

Mm, all right.

Come on, then.

Let's go.

Who's up for ice-cream?

Me.

♪ Bernie, I hate Bernice ♪ ♪ Want you to die, you don't deserve me Bernie, die ♪ [closing theme music plays]