I'm just asking to spend a little more time with him.

-Is that unreasonable?

-Do stop whining.

But why can't I join your book club?

You thought Nabokov played left back for Chelsea.

Well, I was joking.

Aren't you being a little unfair, Marcus?

Philip would have known the answer.

I really don't want to hear about Philip.

No offence, Philip.

[Philip] Don't worry about me, bro.

Are you sure everything's alright, Philip?

[Philip] Why do you ask?

You seem a little tense.

-You're embarrassing yourself.

-You're not the boss of me!

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

-Private.

-Alright, then.

-She kicked me out the bedroom.

-Philip!

-It's been two weeks.

-What did you do?

I just said she reminded me slightly, slightly, of Noel Edmonds.

Yeah, no, she hates that.

Yeah, but I like Noel Edmonds.

We're not talking about this here.

I mean, can you imagine what it's like to, you know, go without for two whole weeks?

-Yeah.

-No.

Well, I can't take it any more.

I'm a very sexual person.

Wow, thanks for that.

Please take me back, my love.

I really don't think this is the place, Philip.

-This is exactly the place.

-Really?

There's nothing more natural than talking about sex.

Not in front of a child, though.

Especially in front of a child.

No, you know what?

You want to play?

Fine, let's play.

Because as of now, I am rejecting you.

So how do you like them apples?

Boom!

Yeah, way to go, Philip.

Yeah.

And Marcus, as for you and your lousy book club, I don't even want to - No, I do.

I really do.

I want to join.

Please, can I?

You can join when you demonstrate you've learnt something.

Alright.

How hard can that be?

Who wrote Bleak House?

I want to say Snow Patrol?

[opening theme playing] [upbeat jazzy music playing] Tim Elliot.

[computerised voice] Identified.

[swinging music playing] Useless.

The lie detector.

An invaluable tool for interrogation.

You'll see in your textbooks that for the most accurate results, you'll want to keep your subject absolutely calm and relaxed.

I disagree.

So, what is your name?

M-M-M-Moritz Skenk.

I don't think so.

-[electricity zaps] -[screams] -[zapping stops] -[whimpering] [The Examiner] Let's try that again, shall we?

Go on, please.

-Please?

-Shh.

Please.

What does that even mean, 'teach me culture'?

You know, books and art and books.

-Why would I want to do that?

-Because you're intelligent and kind.

-Mm-hmm.

-[Moritz screaming] And I'll cover all your overtime.

Go on.

And it would be your chance to have complete control over another human being.

You'll be like my Eliza Doolittle?

Right, like I'd be able to talk to animals.

-Go on then, I'll do it.

-Yes!

Yes!

He gets it!

So, once again, what is the cube root of 216?

Six!

-No.

-It is!

-Lies.

-[electricity zaps] [Moritz screaming] Come in, come in.

-[children] Hi.

-Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

Book club is upstairs.

I would join you, but I'm actually busy tonight.

Ha!

Yeah, right.

I am.

Git.

-Hello.

-What are you doing here?

-Judith was meant to babysit.

-Colonic.

[Tim] Right, of course.

Tuesday.

-Ah, you're looking cute.

-Thanks.

Mm, you smell good too.

Do you mind?

Yeah.

[inhales sharply and groans] You missing Judith?

-No, not so much.

-No?

Didn't think so.

-[keys jiggle] -OK, I'm off.

-If you need anything, just call me.

-Will do.

-Oh, and Philip... -Yeah?

...don't have sex with the furniture.

Ten-four.

-[door closes] -Ooh!

[sighs] [typing] Marcus?

Marcus, is the Wi-Fi on?

Marcus?

Where's the router?

Marcus?

[cards rifling] -[roulette ball rattling] -Oh.

Hey, Phil.

[Philip] Marcus!

[Caitlin] Are you ready for this?

Yeah.

-It does seem a bit, erm... -What?

Very not fun.

Well, just give it a chance.

You might enjoy it.

Yeah.

I'll give it a try.

I don't think you're gonna need that.

No?

Not really that kind of event.

Hmm.

[Baroque piano music plays overhead] Yeah, I'll just... [piano music continues] [sighs] [piano music continues] -Drink?

-Yeah, be great.

[exhaling] You got to send them home right now.

I'm still your headmaster.

I can't be associated with this!

-I thought we could just take a moment.

-Hey, now.

Don't you try and sweet-talk me.

As if I would disrespect you like that.

I'm hurt.

OK, OK, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to check in, see how you're doing.

How are things between you and Judith?

Much the same.

-Must be frustrating.

-Oh, it's...

I'm doing OK. You're strong.

That's why I admire you.

[whimpers] I love her so much.

[sobbing] Let it out, big guy.

You'll get her back.

Do you think so, really?

Hey, hey.

-Who can resist this face, huh?

-Oh.

Now, do you have a smile for me?

[whimpers] What am I like?

[sniffles] Oh, here's a thought.

Oh, no, no, forget it.

-What?

-No, no.

You wouldn't be interested.

Marcus, tell me, what is it?

I'm not interested in the tears, Princess.

I won fair and square, and you know it.

Now hand over the chips.

Cha-ching.

Everyone, your attention, please.

I would like you to welcome our newest platinum member.

Hello.

I'm Philip.

[winces] [whispers] They use code names, dude.

What would you like to be called?

[sighs] Oh.

-Are you sure?

-Hell, yeah!

Everyone, Cheetara.

[all snicker] -Nice.

-[purrs] -That's enough.

-[Marcus] Welcome to Book Club, Cheetara.

The first rule of Book Club is...?

You do not talk about Book Club.

-No.

-That would be ridiculous.

How would you get people to join?

-It's commercial suicide.

-Basic marketing.

I'm so embarrassed right now.

I'm sorry, Marcus.

There go the code names.

-Oh, come on!

-What is wrong with you today?

I'm sorry.

There's just so much pressure.

OK, people, let's make some money.

You and me, let's go.

'Sirens crack with a liquid spleen.

Ash-burnt bones velvet the unctuous chasm.

His heart, elliptical yet complete, empties awash with furious glee while alone she weeps a tearless soliloquy.'

[applause] Thanks.

[Tim] Wasn't that incredible?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Very moving.

Oh!

-I saw you.

-What?

-Eyes closed.

-Right.

-Listening hard.

-Yeah, exactly.

Listening, with the ears.

I really want to thank you for bringing me tonight.

I had a great time.

[chuckles] Me too.

-What was - -I should probably get going.

Yeah, good plan.

Marcus is probably wondering where you are.

Wouldn't bet on it.

Are you sure you're OK getting home on your own?

I'm carrying a snub-nose 9-millimetre, so yeah, I like my chances.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Alright.

Good night.

Good night.

Yeah.

Ah.

-See you at work.

-Yeah, work.

Excellent.

-Hello?

-[door closes] Philip?

Marcus?

And that basically is quadratic equations.

-Hi, Tim.

-Is everything OK?

Marcus?

Yeah, good as gold.

-How was the poetry night?

-Fantastic.

-What?

-Loved it.

Just give me a few more days, and I'm gonna be ready to join Book Club.

Yeah, well, let's not be too hasty.

It takes more than a few days to become literate.

-Yeah?

How long?

-It's hard to say.

Yeah, could be a while.

OK. [gaming tokens clatter] [all laugh] [laughter] [laughter halts] [birds tweeting] [Chris] Tim.

-Tim.

-Hmm?

Check it out, I've made it look like a massive... Must everything in your world be so base?

-Oh, what's your problem?

-No problem.

It's called being cultured.

Ah, yes, your literary dates with Caitlin.

-They're not dates.

-They're dates.

No.

We go out, we listen to poetry, we go home alone.

I didn't say they were good dates.

See, I'm not like you, Chris.

I'm just interested in the learning.

-Right, so you don't like her?

-Of course I like her.

Right, but you don't fancy her?

Sure, she's pretty.

Especially when she does that thing when she smiles.

That's really nice.

But you wouldn't be sad if she, I don't know, cancelled one of your evenings?

No.

Might be a little... disappointed, but certainly not sad.

Good to know, because she did cancel.

What?

Why?

She never... -There's nothing om there.

-Ah, you do like her!

Oh, my God, I really do.

-How long have you known this?

-Quite a while.

I want to know everything.

How long have I been feeling this way?

-Pretty much from the start.

-Are you saying I'm in love with her?

-Maybe.

-This is huge news.

Well, Tim... luckily for you, you happen to know the number one love guru in the district.

Yeah, I can't bother Mr Prakash again.

-I meant me.

-No, yeah, I'm - Go on.

OK, well, the trick is, you've got to play it very cool.

-Very enigmatic.

-I think I know how to be cool.

Thank you very much.

Alright, let's see what you got, big guy.

You look like you've had a stroke.

Copy me.

Come on.

-Come on.

-Alright.

Repeat after me.

You don't care.

I don't care.

Score a new chick every day of the week.

I score - Well, I don't.

-She doesn't know that.

-Kind of does.

-Tim... -OK. -You're a player.

-I'm a player.

You're a ladies' man!

♪ I'm a ladies' man ♪ -You're a prat.

-I'm a - Hey, Marcus.

-How long have you been there?

-Long enough.

We were just, erm, er, practising a ancient African ritual.

I'm surprised you haven't seen it before.

-Leaving in five minutes.

-Five minutes, check.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Tim... tonight, you are gonna unleash the Tim Tornado!

[imitating air whooshing] You're feeling it.

[jovial music plays] You have disappointed me, Alan.

I-I swear, I never said anything to anyone.

Haven't I looked after you?

Of course, Marcus.

I owe you everything.

I'd never do anything to hurt you.

Then why didn't Mrs Godfrey appoint me chess captain?

I don't know.

You have to believe me.

[gasps] I know it was you, Alan.

You broke my heart.

[Alan whimpering] I don't want anything to happen to him while Miley Cyrus is alive.

[Alan sobbing] Yes?

We've been going through the accounts.

Just give me the headlines.

Turnover up 67% -Memberships?

-Stable.

What about profits?

The profit margin isn't quite where we want it to be.

I asked you about the profits.

[sighs] We made a loss.

Turnover's up and we make a loss?

There were some unexpected write-offs.

What are you telling me?

For God's sakes, it's Philip.

You've given him these credit lines.

-Paul, don't.

-No, Daniel, he's got to know.

Philip is massively in debt to the house and can't pay it off.

I've let my heart cloud my judgement.

I'll deal with this personally.

[dramatic music rises] You've been seeing a lot of Kevin recently.

It's Caitlin.

Ugly name.

-It means 'unfaithful'.

-No, it doesn't.

-'Slutty' or 'slut-like'.

-Did you want something?

-You do know she's a lesbian?

-She's not a lesbian.

-She could be a lesbian.

-You could be a lesbian.

[laughing] No, but you might as well stop hanging around her.

She's not interested.

Well, we'll find out soon enough.

-What does that mean?

-Nothing.

[purrs] We'll see about that.

[Paula cackles] Morning.

[scoffs] Sure.

You alright?

Er, yeah.

If you need to pigeonhole me, I am alright.

-Tim?

-Shoot.

-Have you soiled yourself?

-No, that's how men walk.

-Incontinent men, maybe.

-More importantly, what is the dealio with tonight's 'activités'?

I've planned something a bit special, actually.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, it's gonna be at my house.

-I hope that's OK?

-That is perfection.

But I should warn you, there may be some nudity.

-Nudity?

-Don't worry.

I think you're man enough for it.

-[scoffs] Think I'm man... -[phone rings] [The Examiner, over phone] Tim.

A word.

Yeah.

-See you later.

-[scoffs] Tim, I want to know what's going on between you and Caitlin.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Tim, come on, do you think I'm a fool?

Well... No!

No way.

I mean, you know the policy on inter-office romance.

-It's forbidden.

-Forbidden?

Of course it's not forbidden.

God, no.

Why would it be forbidden?

Because some people feel inter-office relationships can alienate other members of staff, not to mention increase risk of blackmail, which could potentially endanger the safety of the government, the monarchy and the entire British population.

-Twaddle.

-Right.

Come on, where are you supposed to hook up with someone if it's not at work?

I mean, sure you can hang around rehab clinics, but, erm...

I mean, is that really acceptable?

No.

Well, probably, but what would I know?

What do you think?

Spit it out lad, come on.

[whimpers] I agree with everything you say.

Good answer.

Well done.

OK, Tim... -[whimpers] -...you have my blessing.

-Thank you, sir.

-I just ask that you let me watch.

Oh, you're joking.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can see how that would sound more appropriate.

[sizzling] Is, er, he OK, do we think?

He's fine.

But he is a fire hazard.

It's OK. [zip fastener rasps] [Tim] I'm really not sure about this.

Would you please just trust me?

-OK, you're early.

-Yeah.

OK. Bye, then.

Well, hold on, look, I've left some food in the fridge.

[Philip] Yeah.

And my mobile number is on the side!

Bye!

Goodbye!

-What are you doing?

-We have orders not to let you in.

What?

Since when?

-Evening, fellas.

-Good evening, sir.

See?

Right, Marcus!

Marcus.

Marcus!

Marcus, tell your boys to let me in.

No can do, Cheetara.

I'm cutting you off.

Please, just - Just one more night!

I need you to follow these gentlemen now.

What?

What?

[sobbing] No!

[dramatic music rises] How can I ever repay you?

I'll think of something.

[majestic music playing] [funky music playing] Hi.

Hello.

Are you coming in?

I don't know, am I?

Yes.

Do you want me to take your...?

Oh, my.

You like?

Are those your nipples?

Hmm.

We'll just keep that our little secret, shall we?

We can try.

[indistinct chatter] Everyone, this is Tim.

[all] Hi, Tim.

Tim, this is my life study class.

Hi.

No more bets.

Looks like business is doing well.

Just giving the people what they want.

People want a lot of things that aren't necessarily good for them.

-I'm not here to judge.

-Just exploit?

Thank you for dropping by.

I want to play.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

I want to play you.

What do you want to play?

Twenty-one?

[military drum music playing] [indistinct whispers] -Your bet.

-I don't have any money.

-In that case, then - -So I'll just bet this.

[onlookers gasp] Is there a problem?

I gave that to you.

But you'll accept it, right?

[Marcus] Stick or twist?

I'll stick.

[boy 1] Did she just stick on 14?

[boy 2] I know.

Statistically, Marcus almost can't lose.

I'll twist.

He's got her now.

It's all over.

-Bust.

-What?!

-Bad luck.

-It happens.

Oh, and don't forget that.

We should set up a rematch sometime.

I'm thinking of retiring, actually.

That sounds like a smart move.

I'll see you around.

I don't understand how you lost.

What cards did you have?

I forget.

That was a bad beat, Marcus.

Sometimes you have to lose in order to win.

I'm serious, Martha.

I'm not gonna tell you again.

-Just ignore her.

-She's freaking me out.

Here's a funny thing.

When, er, you were talking earlier about there being some nudity, I thought you meant... -Me?

-You.

-Naked?

-I know.

-Get out of here.

-I wish I could.

What bit of what I said made you think that?

Erm, the words?

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Tim.

Well, I'm not disappointed, Caitlin.

I mean, who wants to see us naked?

[both] Put your hand down, Martha.

Hold on, if it isn't you getting naked, then who are we...?

[seductive music playing] Oh, no.

I have studied poetry, sculpture, architecture, and now the painting of the semi-human form.

In the name of all that is holy, please, can I join the Book Club?

Tim... you can join the Book Club.

-Really?

-Really.

Well, this is a huge honour.

-Thank you.

-Congratulations.

Here.

What is this?

My official appointment to the club?

Not exactly.

It's formal notice that the Book Club has, as of 7:00 this evening, been dissolved.

-Dissolved?

-Sorry about that.

Tough break.

I need to be alone for a while.

I understand.

Don't you think that was just a little mean?

He's fine.

He enjoys it, really.

What would have been mean is if I had omitted to tell him.

[snaps fingers] -[Tim] Oh, God!

-[Judith] Get out!

[Marcus] By the way, Philip and Judith are up there.

-[Tim] Yes, thanks!

-Hey, buddy!

Yeah, hey - No, no.

Don't leave on my account.

[closing theme playing]