I hate you.

You hear me?

I hate you.

You really think you could seduce my wife, steal my son and get away with it, huh?

With your ridiculous suits and your flobbedy beard.

This world will be a better place with you gone.

-[inhales sharply] -[breathing heavily] And how does that make you feel?

A little blue, if I'm honest, but I'm pleased that Tim is finally sharing with the group.

Do we have to talk about Philip's feelings?

No offence, Philip.

You seem to have a lot of rage inside you.

-You got rage from that?

-I definitely did.

-Must be the acoustics.

-And Marcus.

-What do you think?

-I'm sorry?

What do you think about your Daddy's behaviour?

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying the slightest attention.

-Does Daddy get angry a lot?

-No.

-Could you let Marcus answer?

-No, he doesn't.

Bad luck.

Unless four or five times a week is a lot.

-What?

-Can you get that down?

I'm sorry, Daddy.

Please don't beat me.

[laughs] 'Please don't beat me.'

That is - OK, that's very funny.

I don't get angry.

-You seem pretty angry now.

-No, I don't.

Please don't shout at me, Tim.

I'm not shouting.

He always does this.

Yes.

I think a lot of this rage... -No rage.

-...derives from feelings of resentment towards Philip.

Oh, you poor thing.

[Paula] So, that's something we need to work on.

What do we think would be a good goal?

I think they should hug.

-Oh, that's a terrific idea.

-Never gonna happen.

Or even a hug and a little kiss.

You seriously expect me to get up... [breathlessly] Hug and kiss.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, well, of course you do, Paula, but unfortunately for you, even Philip has no interest.

-Come here, big guy.

-Alrighty.

I've got to get to work.

OK. -See you tonight.

-Tonight?

-Parent/teacher evening?

-Philip.

Could I have a word?

Why didn't you tell me about the parent/teacher evening?

Why would I?

Because I'm a parent.

-Well, technically.

-No, not technically.

Tim, I don't want you at the parents' evening.

Oh, you're ashamed of me, is that what you're saying?

I believe the fashionable expression is 'duh'.

But I can help you.

Tim, I've been scoring starred A's since I was 36 months.

I know, but...

This is not a battle you can win.

How can I put this most simply?

I'm the Persians at Thermopylae, the Portuguese at Cochin.

Do you see what I'm saying?

You're Persian?

I'm saying I will win.

I always win.

I always get my way.

I'll be in the car.

D'oh!

[opening theme playing] [jovial music playing] [computerised voice] Scan in progress.

Identified, low-fat organic tzatziki.

Two pounds, seventy-three.

Er, no, Tim Elliot.

Next customer, please.

[The Examiner] OK, pay attention, people.

Who's seen one of these before?

Yeah, this is a personal microcomputer, or PC computer.

Now, these machines have the capacity to process literally thousands of numbers and letters every hour.

-Excuse me, sorry.

-Yeah?

I think, erm, I think some of your technical information might be a little bit out of date.

Mm-hmm.

Right there, bang!

Look at him, because there is your top gun!

Only Tim, only Tim noticed that I had, in fact, sprinkled some tiny factual inaccuracies into my lecture.

You people are gonna have to raise your game if you're gonna keep up with this guy.

OK, so today we're gonna learn about computer hacking.

Firstly, no thinking.

Is hacking legal or illegal?

-Yeah?

-Illegal.

-Wrong.

You.

-Illegal.

-Wrong.

Go.

-Illegal.

Really?

Yeah.

I thought it was just frowned upon.

-No.

-Oh, OK. Well, it's just as well MI5 is above the law.

Would you please stop interrupting?

I'm so sorry about them, Tim.

Once you've settled into which site you want to hack into, start launching your XRF programmes.

What's your target, son?

I'm attempting to crack into a secure cache of orbital dominant images with high global significance.

You're hacking into celebrity surgical records.

-Yes, I am.

-OK, five minutes, budge up.

[laughs] What are you doing?

That'll show you, pal.

Oh dear, only a B in geography.

And what's this?

A C in history?

[Tim clucking] Have to do better than that if you're gonna run the IMF.

Just so I'm absolutely clear, you do know you're sabotaging your own son's school grades?

-Yep.

-And you don't feel bad about that?

Just teaching him a little lesson.

It's actually quite good parenting, if you think about it.

Now, English language.

Er... C, methinks.

Make it a D. Well, if you're gonna do it properly.

-[pounds keyboard] -[Tim] D it is.

What are you doing?

Hacking into Johnny Depp's holiday photos?

Yeah, because that's what women do.

No, actually.

The boss has asked me to infiltrate an anarchist chat room.

Ah, get you.

When you say holiday photos - No, never mind.

-[Chris] You're kidding!

-[Tim] No.

-You changed his grades?

-Yes.

-He's gonna go ballistic.

-I know!

And so what, you just hacked into the website?

Yeah.

You know, it's quite easy.

You can hack into almost anything.

Businesses, hospital records, bank accounts.

Bank accounts?

And businesses, and... -Cool.

-Right.

Yeah.

It's all in the book.

[door slams] Hey, here he is.

You're back early.

How'd it go?

Not well.

-But you always get starred A's.

-I know I do.

So you can imagine my surprise when I discovered several of my grades appear to have fallen below that standard.

Well, I mean, it can't be that bad.

Show me the report card.

You're treading on very thin ice, Tim.

Come on, let Daddy see.

A C in history?

I thought you liked history.

I devour history.

He devours history, and yet a C?

Ouch.

And a B in German.

What's happened there?

[speaks German] [in German accent] Ja, I can well imagine.

[in normal voice] It looks like you've got a little bit of knuckling down to do, young man.

Maybe I can help with your homework, you know, if you're struggling.

-[sighs] -[Chris gasps] -A D in English language?

-Stop it.

It says it here, English language, grade D. It's your native tongue.

Too far, Tim.

You went too far.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

There'll be consequences.

You can count on it.

Why don't you count on it, Mr C in Maths?

Oh.

-I should head.

-OK. You're not worried about him taking his revenge, are you?

No.

A little bit, yeah.

I suggest you sleep with the door locked tonight.

-[laughs] -No, seriously.

No, I'm gonna, absolutely.

[Chris] Night-night!

[door closes] [coins rattling] Where were you last night?

-What are you doing?

-I waited up, but you didn't come home.

-I don't... -No, don't tell me.

You were working late.

-I don't live with you.

-You lost track of time.

-I don't live with you.

-Oh, the car broke down.

-I don't live with you.

-Don't you get it?

We could make a life together, a life built on truth and honesty.

-Wow.

-But if you don't care enough to even fight for us, maybe we should just call it quits.

Yeah.

Let's do that.

-It's your choice.

-I think we should call it quits.

-Whatever you say.

-I say call it quits.

I'm not a mind-reader, Tim.

You're gonna have to open up to me eventually.

[laughs] OK. -Why don't you... -I wish I knew how to quit you.

[soft sob] [hysterical sobbing] That's not what it looks like.

[exhales] -Still nothing?

-Not a thing.

They're not a very chatty bunch, these anarchists.

No, well they're probably all out somewhere doing anarchy.

-Brilliant.

-You should spice it up.

Draw them in with a bit of virtual flesh.

[scoffs] Yeah, alright.

'I am so hot in here.

-Air con broken.'

-Nice.

'Must take off shirt.'

Dress.

[Caitlin] 'Dress'.

Good.

Yeah.

How did Marcus take his newly imposed mediocrity?

-Not that well.

-[laughs] No.

-I felt a bit bad, to be honest.

-So you've changed it back.

-Not yet.

-Tim!

We've been summoned to his headmaster's office this afternoon to, er discuss his grades.

I just want to see his little Persian face.

-What?

-Nothing.

And hi to you, Karl276.

[upbeat music playing] Can you go and take the delivery... -Hmm.

-...James?

Nosy.

[school bell ringing] So, why do you think Marcus's grades have dropped off?

I don't know.

Nothing to do with me, -and you can't prove a thing.

-It's OK, Tim.

Parents often feel guilty about their children's failures, but they're completely innocent.

-Completely.

-How's his home life?

Are you serious?

Tim, this is just a routine conversation between a concerned father and an education professional.

Hmm.

-Well, if you must know... -Yeah?

-...things haven't been going very well at home.

-I see.

-It's Marcus's mother.

-Oh?

She's dating this guy who, between us, is a * Right.

Well, let's try not to focus on - He's really annoying and clingy.

You know the type.

Emotionally fragile, mentally not quite right.

I'm sure he must have some redeeming qualities.

He doesn't.

Perhaps he's an hilarious raconteur or a surprisingly gifted salsa dancer?

-No.

-No?

Nope.

Right.

He thinks he's funny, but really, people are just laughing at him.

-What a fool.

-Yeah.

And as for the dancing... -Yeah.

-Well, I mean, to be honest, he just doesn't have the hips for salsa.

How dare you?

These hips were born to swing to the rhythm of the bongo.

Thought you were an education professional.

An education professional with Cuban lightning coursing through his veins.

You've gone too far this time, Tim, too far!

Alrighty, I take it this meeting is over.

[salsa music plays] [salsa music continues] [music fades] What are you doing here?

I thought you had double entry bookkeeping this evening?

I did.

And?

I've been suspended.

What?

What for?

Philip said you'd know why.

Philip.

What have you done, Tim?

Nothing.

[ball bouncing and thudding off wall] Marcus?

[thudding continues] You know you have to come out some time, even if it's just to eat.

I know you miss being at school.

Do you want to talk about it?

I'm gonna get you back in, I promise.

Marcus?

[ball resumes bouncing] [chuckles] Hey, you're dead, you're dead, you're dead.

-[laughing] -[racks rifle] Sir - -Sir.

-Ah, Tim.

-You wanted to see me?

-That's not loaded, is it?

Er, no.

Sorry, sir, I need to ask you for a few more days off.

You've already had a week off, Tim.

I know.

I-I have a domestic situation I need to deal with.

-I see.

-What?

[laughs] Why didn't you say so?

What's her name?

-Who?

-The girl, you dirty squirrel.

-There's no girl.

-In the family way, is she?

-Of course she is.

-No!

What?

No, no.

It's my son, he's - He's been suspended from school.

No ladies involved?

Absolutely not, sir.

I swear.

In that case, I'm sorry, Tim.

I can't give you more time off.

You'll fall too far behind on your training.

There must be someone who can help out.

[racks rifle] Hmm.

Oh, until what time?

Oh, go on, then.

OK. OK. Bye-bye-bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

[car engine revs] He'll be fine.

-He will, won't he?

-Of course.

Look, there are plenty of worse people you could leave Marcus with.

Yeah, you're right.

-Like who?

-I can't think of anyone.

-Not one.

-[The Examiner] Yeah!

Here we go!

Hey!

Ha!

Of course.

It's obvious, really.

Shoot!

[birds tweeting] [TV host] On today's show, brothers at war.

[man 1] And you owe 600 quid!

[bleeped audio] ...benefits, so far 600 - [Chris laughing] What are you watching?

Only television, genius.

[Marcus] How can you watch this dross?

The guy on the right is sleeping with the girl.

So?

The girl is married to the guy on the left.

-Boring.

-The girl is the sister of the guy on the right.

Go on.

The guy on the left is the brother of the guy on the right.

Shut up!

They're siblings?

And they're about to bring out the dad, who is gay and sleeping with the uncle.

...fiancé, who she claims drinks excessively, does nothing around the house, and has even been violent to her on numerous occasions.

[computerised voice] Your theories on dollar redistribution v interesting.

Thanks.

Are you cute too?

Maybe.

Is there a Mr Strike1886?

Not yet.

Good.

What are you into?

You first.

Theatre.

Golf.

Spanking.

Spanking?

Oh, what?

Come on!

-No.

-Strike1886 ?

Karl276?

You make me sick.

[Moritz] Wait.

-[Caitlin] Stay away from me.

[Moritz] I was joking!

I was joking.

-I can explain!

-[Caitlin] I have a weapon.

[indistinct chatter on TV] So, what do we think?

Very sharp.

I think so too.

That was a wonderful shopping excursion.

Good.

How do you have such an expensive car on such a modest salary?

It's complicated.

Did you consolidate your debts into one easy-to-manage monthly payment?

Something like that.

So.

What's next?

I suppose you want to watch Countdown.

Oh, a quiz.

Boring.

What else is there?

Well, I normally tuck into another one of these.

[applause on TV] [Marcus] Brilliant!

What the hell's going on?

Well, Tim, have you seen this show?

Yes.

Yeah, it's rubbish.

How can you say that?

Look how wise and majestic he is.

-What are you wearing?

-I know.

My trousers actually have towelling material inside them.

I might literally beat you to death.

Don't do it here.

Do it on the show.

Have you eaten anything today?

Plenty, thank you.

[Tim] You don't look very well.

That's not organic chicken, you know that?

-[retching] -Oh.

[groans] I was actually still eating that.

She's in with him now.

You've really done it this time.

Can I go and see him?

Best not.

He's sleeping now.

-How is he?

-Not good, I'm afraid.

This is gonna play out beautifully in court.

[Justine] I tried reading to him, but his body is just too weak to digest 19th century post-industrial literature.

And you tried Elizabeth Gaskell?

Yes.

No response.

I can't wait to tell Paula all about this.

I took my eyes off him for one moment.

-I should go.

-Yeah, sorry.

Thank you, Justine.

I'll check on him again in the morning.

-OK. -Oh, this is perfect.

I will fix it.

First thing.

[mellow guitar music being played] [man singing in Spanish] -[knock on door] -Yes?

Hiya.

-Hello.

-[door closes] Thanks for seeing me at such short notice.

Uh-huh.

-May I...?

-No.

Alright.

Philip, I wanted to apologise for the other day.

I think we both said some things that we regret.

I didn't.

Just me, then.

I am sorry that I called you unfunny and clingy.

And a * You remember that.

Whoops.

And I am also sorry if I suggested that your hips were not designed for salsa, when it is clear to see that they are perfectly engineered to invoke the Latin beat.

Yes, well, thank you.

I won't pretend your words did not wound, but I know that at heart we are very dear friends.

Yeah, so with that in mind, I wondered if...

Wondered if you would consider readmitting Marcus.

Well, under the circumstances...

I am prepared to readmit Marcus.

Really?

Well, that's - that's great.

Thank you.

Now, if only we could find a way to mark this milestone in our friendship.

-Forget it.

-What?

-Not hugging you, Philip.

-You're right.

Must be wonderful having him at home all the time.

-One hug.

-Yes!

-But no kissing.

-Of course, no kissing.

-I mean it.

-I never even wanted to kiss.

What is wrong with you?

-Sorry, got confused.

-Unbelievable!

Let me know about Cirque du Soleil.

[upbeat swing music playing] -Morning.

-I didn't kiss anyone.

-What?

-What?

What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong.

Why would anything be wrong?

I'm absolutely fine.

What's wrong with you, if anything?

Excuse me for breathing.

Sorry, I've just, er, bit of a bad morning.

-[spits] -Oh.

Is Marcus still not well?

No, he's doing better, thanks.

He, er,.

watched a documentary this morning on quantitative easing, so... Well, that's good, I think.

Yeah, I should probably put his school record straight.

Yeah.

-What happened to you?

-He slipped.

[chuckles nervously] Clumsy me.

You want to be more careful in future.

I definitely will.

-What?

-Nothing.

Am I doing something stupid?

No.

How are you feeling?

Juvenescent.

[sighs] Right.

Listen, I'm sorry you got suspended from school.

Why are you sorry, Tim?

It wasn't your fault, was it?

No.

No, I...

But I do feel responsible in a strikingly indirect way.

Listen, I promise, I'll never interfere in your academic career again.

-Never?

-Never.

No parent/teacher evenings?

Especially no parent/teacher evenings.

OK, then.

-Oh, and Tim?

-Yeah?

I told you.

I always get my way.

-[car tyres squeal] -[siren wails] [knocking on door] I think I'm in a spot of trouble!

I don't suppose you can amend criminal convictions, can you?

Thanks, mate.

I really appreciate this.

I owe you one for - Tim?

Tim?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're still angry, and I understand that, but it... Marcus!

Hey, buddy!

Remember who got you the clothes?

It was Uncle Chris, wasn't it?

You're an accomplice, I'll tell them it was your - Evening, officers.

[sighs] You let me know if you need more jasmine tea.

Will do.

[Chris] Ow!

Brutality!

Brutality!

[closing theme playing]