[light-hearted upbeat music] [Moritz] You're making me nervous!

Why are you so slow?

Sir, this is an incredibly complex cryptogram.

I've already had to write an advanced quantum algorithm to maximise integer factorisation.

-[bleep] -My God, you're boring.

[Portis] Can I have your attention, please?

Now, as you already know, Caitlin and I... stand up, honey.

Caitlin and I recently got engaged.

[Examiner] Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

-[laughing] -What are you doing?

Now I could talk about this lady for hours, but I actually want to say something about you guys.

Because... Because since I arrived here... [emotional] You have taken me into your hearts... That's an excellent speech.

I think back to work, everyone.

And that goes for nobody more than Tim.

Huh?

Tim, you're gonna be my best man.

[scoffs] What?

-Get up here.

-No.

-Give me a hug.

-I don't want to.

-Give him a hug.

-If he doesn't want to.

[everyone chanting] Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug... All right.

All right.

[Portis] Come on.

[Examiner] Oh, this feels incredible.

Speech.

[chanting] Speech!

Speech!

Speech!

Speech!

Go on, say something, Best Man!

Oh... Wow.

What can I say?

Erm... Erm... the British often think of Americans as being... brash, loud, shallow morons, but, er, with Portis, er, there is so much more to dislike.

[laughter] [laughing] This guy!

I actually feel physically sick at the thought of being his best man.

-[laughter] -Crazy British humour!

In fact, I think I can honestly say that I hate you!

-[laughter] -And I hate you too, buddy.

[laughter] And, hey... you're all invited to the wedding.

Just as soon as we've set a date.

The date's already been set, baby.

Three weeks from tomorrow, people.

What?

Don't you think we've waited long enough?

Mm-hmm.

[Moritz] The decoded message, sir.

About bloody time.

My name's on this.

-This is a - -A hit list?

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Anyway, to the happy couple.

-Yay.

-[applause] [opening theme music plays] [Harris] And when do you think humans started using fabrics for clothing?

The earliest known woven textiles date back to around 6,000 BC.

Actually, the earliest textiles date back to around 6,500 BC.

Actually, I think you'll find that for woven fabrics...

Shut up, just shut up.

You too!

I'm sick of both of you.

-Justine, please... -Not now, Alan.

-Right, sorry.

-I've had enough.

Any leads on the assassin?

-We're check - -I don't care.

You can't be best man, I don't wanna be.

Tell him you can't do it.

You're busy that weekend.

What you... You're not actually gonna marry him?

-Tim.

-It's a simple question.

-I don't expect you to understand.

-But, wh... Why?

Look at him.

[laughter] I don't know, cos he asked.

Because he asked?!

Are you serious?

-Keep your voice down.

-That is ridiculous.

Anyone could ask.

I could have asked.

But you didn't.

Didn't that kiss mean anything?

I don't want to talk about this any more.

Tell Portis you can't be best man.

-No.

-I'm sorry?

A... hey!

Here he is.

-Bestie.

-Hey, buddy.

[Tim] Hey.

-Catch you later?

-Oh, you bet, homie.

-All right.

-Isn't he great?

I'm warning you, tell him no.

-I can't.

-Why not?

Because he asked.

Don't say you weren't warned.

[whispering] Oh, I'm scared.

[light-hearted upbeat music] [children playing] [Philip] You OK?

Relationships are complicated, aren't they?

Yeah.

But don't worry, you know, it always turns out all right in the end.

-But what if it doesn't?

-What do you mean?

Well, what if we've already met our soul-mate, but the timing's wrong?

Well... What if we're forced to spend our lives knowing that true love was within touching distance, yet forever untouchable?

Oh, my God!

Are you dying?

No.

[desperately] Why, God, why?!

I'm not dying.

-Really?

-No.

Then why the hell are you talking like this?

You're 11.

What about me, I'm...nearly 40.

I'm not married.

I don't have children.

Would you like to be married?

-Yes.

-To Marcus' mum?

She's my jagged angel.

Do you think she wants to marry you?

I...

I really don't know.

I'm sure it will all work out.

-What if it doesn't?

-Er... What if she never wants to marry me?

I don't know.

Sorry, I'm only 11.

She's never gonna marry me.

[childlike] I want to die!

[sobbing] Why God, why?

[sobbing] Ah, Moritz.

Good, good.

Come in.

Come in, come in.

Sit down.

Ooh, look at you... you, er... -are you working out?

-No.

You're looking buff.

Jaffa cake?

-Did you want something?

-Straight to the point.

That's what I like about you: professional.

I... think I may have been a little harsh on you before.

You said I was a moronic parasite.

Did I?

Really?

Well, if I did it was Tim's fault!

He poisons me against you.

I knew it!

Yeah.

He's jealous because... you are my guy.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Because you know I would gladly give up my life to save yours.

That would be great, thank you - If only I could.

Look, can't you just go back into the system and tinker with the list?

I suppose we could try and make the assassin go after someone else.

Yeah, exactly.

It's just such a busy time right now.

-What do you want?

-You know.

-Never.

-I understand.

And I'm sure I can get around to the lists... early next week?

But the hit's going down tomorrow night.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, well.

We tried.

Great knowing you.

OK, OK.

I'll give you a week in Tenerife.

-Two weeks.

-Ten days.

Done, but I pick the hotel.

[muttering] Whatever.

[laughs] Watch out, ladies.

Here come the party boys.

I'll book.

Window or aisle?

-Window.

-Whoo-hoo!

Exciting!

[light-hearted upbeat music] Oh, great, you got the invitations, then.

Yeah.

We thought it would be fun to hang out properly, didn't we?

Yes.

I'm looking forward to it.

Me too.

See you tomorrow.

-[Marcus] Bye.

-Bye.

What a bitch.

No, it's OK.

I'm sorry about before.

I was out of line, I'm sorry.

OK. Actually... You wouldn't mind coming to meet my friend?

-She's gonna be maid of honour.

-What now?

Only if you have time.

You and she will probably need to liaise quite a bit over the next couple of weeks.

Yeah, OK. Just gimme a minute.

Really?

Thanks so much.

Item 2: Guests.

My client wants a minimum of 75% of the seating allocation in the registry office.

Well, I think I'll leave you to it.

Counter offer?

No?

Then that's agreed.

Moving on, Item 3.

-Forget it!

-It's not negotiable.

My client cannot afford Lionel Richie.

So what are you offering?

I would need to take instructions, but we might stretch to Terence Trent D'Arby.

Are you out of your mind?

My client will accept nothing less than Phil Collins.

Caitlin doesn't even like Phil Collins... wait... Cocktails at the Inland Revenue?

Pickled herring and pasta?

Honeymoon in the Antarctic?

This isn't Caitlin's perfect wedding, is it?

It's yours!

OK, fine.

I admit it.

I got a bit carried away.

But I never had a proper wedding.

We did the best we could.

I know.

But come on, Tim, we spent our honeymoon in a tent in Essex.

It rained all week, and we did nothing.

Well, I wouldn't say we did nothing.

What do... Oh.

In fact, I seem to remember us doing 'nothing' for... four days straight.

Yes, OK. Do you ever miss... us?

No.

Now then, where do you stand on Gloria Estefan?

[slow-paced music] [music continuing] [office chatter] -[cheering] -[party blowers] -[cheering] -[laughter] What's going on?

[theatrically] I'm alive!

I'm off the list.

Ha ha.

Oh, that's... that's great.

How come?

Because of this little genius!

Come on, tell him.

-Well, I don't like to brag.

-OK.

But it was a fiendishly complex process, actually.

I created a digital echo of the hit list and mapped it onto a dummy target identity visible to the assassin when he accesses it.

A dummy target identity?

-He's accessing the list.

-[beeping, whirring] [beeping, whirring] He doesn't know what to make of it.

[Tim] That's my house.

Why's he looking at my house?

You gave him my postcode?

Oh, no.

-How embarrassing.

-[panicked] Delete it.

There's nothing I can do about that.

It's been accessed.

Don't worry, Tim.

We'll do everything we can to protect you.

[light-hearted intriguing music] [birds singing] OK, we're in position.

Roger that.

This one's a little pricier, but we do get sea views.

Oh, wait, no, no we don't wanna go full board, do we?

Wanna explore a little.

Is he out there now?

Come away from the window.

Think he'll shoot you in the face first or chest?

Ooh, I don't know.

Chest first I reckon.

Then finish you off with two in the head.

-Douff!

Douff!

-Oh, good.

-This is perfect.

-Thanks.

No, you idiot.

Don't you see?

This is your chance to get it on with Caitlin.

-She's only coming as back-up.

-So what?

What have you got to lose?

Think about it, by tomorrow you could be alive and going out with the woman you love, or dead, and still single.

-I wanna be alive tomorrow.

-Highly unlikely.

This is my last chance before they get married.

That's the spirit.

Thanks, Chris.

It would mean a lot if you stayed.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

There's a killer out there.

Come on, let's hug it out.

[groans] Good luck, Timster.

Don't get dead.

[light-hearted upbeat music] Zulu One approaching.

[door closes] I'm going to go and get changed.

Thanks for, erm... bringing him home.

That's fine.

Can't stop, though.

We're going out for a romantic meal.

I don't know why you keep going on.

I told you, I have a voucher.

Whatever you say, my darling.

Well, come on, let's go.

Wait.

Goodbye, Judith.

You take care.

It's just dinner.

You're all right, Philip.

[energised hugging noises] Thanks, Tim.

It means a lot to get your, er, blessing.

Do you want to drive?

I do.

You, er, you looking forward to your dinner?

No.

I hate Nick, and Justine is a terrible cook.

Worse than me?

Nearly.

-Wow.

-Quite.

I just wish he wasn't there.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be around an obnoxious, pedantic know-it-all?

Must be annoying.

It is, I can tell you.

If only he could be taught a lesson.

Just once.

Maybe we can help each other out.

[sizzling] Remember, the scallops need to be lightly seared before being served.

The Madeira jelly is prepped.

You need to reheat the almond velouté.

Got it.

Now, you need to get Nick next to the rear window by 20.00.

Understood.

The turbot is roasting on a low heat.

It needs to be served with the braised celery and artichoke jus.

Right.

Under no circumstances are you to come to the house.

All right, but if you burn the fennel and cider emulsion, -I will hunt you down and kill you.

-Fair enough.

[doorbell] -That'll be Mia.

-All right, go.

-Good luck.

-You too.

-I love you.

-Don't ruin it.

Sorry.

Bravo One approaching.

Listen...

I'm sorry for earlier.

What I said about you and Portis.

Me too.

-Truce?

-Absolutely.

It smells amazing in here.

Yeah, erm... a little something I threw together.

-If you're hungry.

-OK. [slow ambient piano playing] [Philip] Hm.

[Philip humming expectantly] -What are you doing?

-Oh, I don't know.

Erm... You're acting very strangely tonight.

Am I?

Ah, thank you.

Thank you.

[Philip mutters] [gasps] I knew it!

Philip?

[Philip gasps] It's squid.

Th-that's right.

And... you know how much I love squid.

Yours OK?

Ooh... ow, it's hot!

I just picked myself up a rather tasty BMX Diamondback.

Oh, yeah?

-She's a real beauty.

-Mm.

Your hair looks nice.

Have you done something to it?

-Not really.

-Oh.

That was... incredible.

Yeah, thank you.

I was particularly pleased with the celeriac fondant.

I'm sure Portis is a very good cook?

Portis' idea of haute cuisine is a barbecue burger with extra relish.

I'm sure those fundamental differences aren't gonna destroy your marriage.

Behave.

Would you excuse me one second?

I just need to... take care of a couple of things.

-Who's the chicken Bhuna?

-[Moritz] Me.

And a Lamb Pasanda, that's mine.

-[Moritz] Keema nan?

-Keema nan... here.

OK, ah, what's this?

-Barbecue burger?

-Yo!

Up front.

[exhales] OK, poppadoms.

[bleep] Oh, we haven't got any knives and forks.

I mean... yes, of course, I have doubts about Portis.

I know my dad's not keen.

-How was it?

-[Mia] Yeah.

[Nick] Honestly, it was pretty disgusting.

[Marcus] I thought it was good.

Where's your bathroom?

I'll show you.

I mean, what?

Do I ever think about you and me?

Of course, I do, Tim.

Is that the new Chinese satellite?

Losing your touch, Elliot?

Which one?

That one.

-Where?

-There.

That's not a satellite, you muppet.

That's Venus.

Oh, yes.

Of course.

The goddess of love.

Oh, God.

[crying] Listen to me.

You must think I'm dreadful.

Are you being mysterious in there?

[suspenseful music] Tim?

[music intensifies] Tim, what are you... Black treacle parfait with star anise foam and stem ginger ice cream.

[pleased] Oh.

After you.

[humming] OK, enough, what's the matter with you?!

[sighs] To hell with it!

I can't wait any longer.

Yes.

Yes.

I will marry you.

Are you proposing to me?

-No, you're proposing to me.

-No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

I saw you.

With the... in the wedding dresses, and the magazines.

That was for Caitlin.

I'm her maid of honour.

-Oh.

-You silly goat.

Oh, I feel like a complete fool.

No, don't.

It's sweet.

Come on, let's go home.

Have you ever spent the night in a tent?

-I might die tonight - -Tim - No, please.

It's true, and I can deal with that, but there is something I wanna say.

-And the thing is... -[Portis] Scorpion detected.

Scorpion detected.

[clattering] [Tim] Go.

[exhilarating music] [rifle clicking] [Marcus] How is he?

I'm really sorry.

You poisoned me with that disgusting food.

That's not fair.

Because of your crappy cooking, I've had to spend the entire evening in this ghastly toilet.

Seriously, who's still got wallpaper like that?

Don't speak to her like that.

Oh, that's right.

Here come the waterworks.

I'm the one with gastroenteritis, and you're crying.

I don't wanna go out.

That's fine by me.

You're a horrible person.

[stomach churns] Oh, no!

You all right?

I didn't wanna have to tell you like this, but...

I'm going away.

We're moving.

-When?

-Soon.

Sorry.

[emotive music] -[exhilarating music] -[Portis] Scorpion on move.

Looks like this is it.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[Chris] Oh, you guys.

Whoa!

Easy!

You came back to be with me?

I actually forgot my iPod, but, yeah, let's go with yours.

-[Portis] Scorpion moving.

-Get down.

This is what we live for.

[Portis] Hell, yeah!

Hooray.

[husky] Let's lock... and load.

[exhilarating music intensifies] -[gunshot] -[choking] [thud] [van door creaks] [footsteps running] -What happened?

-[Examiner] Scorpion's dead.

Who got him?

Wasn't that awesome?

Can we have a quick chat?

I told you I'd protect my superstar.

-Uh-huh.

-[Marcus] What's going on?

Erm, I don't know.

I think it's a car accident or something.

How was your dinner?

Not good.

How was yours?

[Portis sobbing] Perfect.

[closing theme music plays]