You don't know me.

But I know you.

I know everything about you: your name, your age, where you live, where your family lives.

Yes.

[water dripping] There's no way out of this And it's going to involve a lot of pain.

Unless you join us.

[water dripping] [Examiner, dramatically] MI5.

Join... or die.

[pops lips] [chuckles] Well, on a scale of one to ten?

-Ten?

-One.

-Ha!

Thanks, Tim.

-No... Sir, one as in 'not good'.

[chuckling] Sure.

Sir, you cannot use that as a recruitment video.

Really?

Tell me one thing that's wrong with it.

-It's threatening.

-Inaccurate.

-Upsetting.

-Inflammatory.

And far too arousing.

OK, right.

And none of that's good?

It's not ideal.

OK, right.

Well, you do it.

-Me?

-Yeah, we still need a video.

No, I'm n...

I can't act.

-I'll do it.

-Done.

-[Portis] Me too.

-Excuse me.

We're in the middle of casting here.

You gotta pick me.

I'm Black.

If you don't, that's basically racism.

Oh, come on, sir.

He's American.

And he's CIA.

-And he's bald.

-Hey, man, not cool to bring the hair into it.

OK, enough.

Tim, Caitlin... You've got the job.

Racist.

All we need now... is a director.

Not cool?

[opening theme music plays] [children playing] -What do you want?

-Can we talk?

Whatever you've got to say, you can say it in front of them.

Well, I was wondering if you would sign up for the quiz team.

Why me?

It's an inter-school competition.

We need to put up our strongest team.

And you need me.

Yes.

I want to hear you say it.

We need you.

Check.

OK.

I'll join.

That's great.

Thank you.

When is it?

-Oh, no!

-What?

There seems to have been a bit of a mix-up.

What are you talking about?

Yeah.

You see, you've just signed up to appear on Who's Your Daddy?

[Goldstein] I love that show!

-What is it?

-A quiz show for fathers and sons.

-On television.

-They're filming one of the heats next week.

That contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Scared I'm going to humiliate you in front of millions of people?

I'm going to enjoy crushing you.

Marcus, don't!

I'm told your dad's quite a character.

But don't worry, my dad's pretty unusual too, when he's not teaching at Harvard or advising Obama.

Checkmate.

I'm sure your dad will be fine on TV.

Yeah.

[light-hearted upbeat music] [laughter] [flatly] You have had an interesting day, Caitlin, have you?

-[Moritz] Yes.

-Yes.

[Moritz sighs] I just wish...

I just wish I could tell you all about it, -but it is top secret.

-[stiffly] Oh?

I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.

-[forced chuckling] -I entirely understand.

My work too is top secret, but it is interesting and rewarding and fun.

I wouldn't want to do anything else because I am so professionally fulfilled.

I am also fulfilled, and I am a woman.

[Moritz] OK, can we hold it, please?

-Tim, Tim's good, Tim's good.

-Well, yeah... but... You could get an autocue?

How bad was it?

[Moritz] Bad.

Twilight Eclipse bad.

[sighs disappointedly] I was so nervous.

Don't worry.

I know plenty relaxation techniques.

-I am not taking my clothes off.

-[Moritz sighs] Look, you've gotta stop thinking here and start thinking here.

With our nipples?

-Excuse me?

-Coffee.

One sugar.

Er, no, sir.

I'm picking up some worrying chatter coming out of the Yemen.

[Moritz] Let's go, people.

We're losing light.

[Gunther] Quiet on set!

Go.

Go.

No, now's not a good time.

Go, go go.

OK. From the top, guys.

And... -action!

-[stiff laughter] -[Philip] This is a disaster!

-I can't believe he tricked us.

[Owen smugly] A chipped mug!

The school's reputation is... it's gonna be destroyed.

Have you any idea how humiliating this will be for me?

-For you?

-For all of us.

Tim cannot go on that show.

-What show?

-Not now, Tim.

[Goldstein] I've got it!

Got what?

What's going on?

'In the event the biological father is unavailable, or deemed unsuitable for broadcast, the contestant may appoint a substitute father figure.'

-Could work.

-Yes!

-What's going on?

-[Owen] It's nothing.

Some TV show they don't want you on.

Apparently, you're ignorant and embarrassing.

-Oh, right.

-Why can't I go?

-Do you have a penis?

-Does she?

So, basically, we're looking for a man.

With a first-class education.

-Who's incredibly confident.

-Available at a moment's notice.

-Really?

Guys!

That is, I can't tell you.

-Out the way, Tim.

-Hm?

-[Philip] Yep.

What?

[light-hearted intriguing music] Ah, here they are.

My Scarlett Johansson and my Morgan Freeman.

Yeah... the thing is.

We are, er, very grateful for the opportunity.

But we don't think we can be in this video.

What?

Oh, this is about the nude scene, right?

No... wait.

What?

Never mind.

You go.

No, sir, it's just... although we are... thoroughly enjoying the experience.

-Seriously enjoying it.

-Right?

Er, we are just concerned about the lack of anonymity.

And how that might compromise our ability to do our jobs.

Mm.

Mmm.

Yeah.

I must admit, I hadn't thought of that before.

-It is such a bummer.

-We're devastated.

If only there was some way round it.

[thoughtful] Mh-hm.

Maybe there is [Tim] I'm really not sure about this.

What do you think?

Hm, I don't know.

[Moritz] Look at me.

Yes.

Shall we go and make movie history?

-John Everett Millais.

-Correct.

The world's largest desert?

-Antarctica.

-Correct.

-The Greek god of music?

-Apollo.

-Correct.

-Who shot JR?

-Kristin Shepard.

-Correct.

[Owen] They're good.

-What are you doing here?

-Supporting my team.

What do you mean 'your team'?

...carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, fluorine, neon, sodium, magnesium... Why aren't you supporting Marcus?

Yeah, not a fan.

Rude.

Well, I think you might've backed the wrong horse this time.

-Oh, really?

-Hm.

-Care to make it interesting?

-Maybe.

What about £5?

Make it ten.

-Twenty.

-Forty.

Yeah, actually, I'm parked on a yellow, so let's just cut to the chase: what about £311.57?

Mum's ISA.

Oh... You're on!

I am so looking forward to spending your mum's savings on a romantic holiday with Judith.

Me too.

Double yellows.

Car.

[slow, smooth music] [record scratches] [music continues] Out the way, sister.

MI5 agents in need of cooling down.

Nice job breaking down that terrorist.

Right back at you.

One more bad guy off the streets.

And they said we had no evidence!

Who needs evidence when you've got a really strong hunch?

MI5 makes me feel so horny!

You have no idea.

[Moritz] Cut!

And that's a wrap!

Well done, everybody.

-[Examiner] Yes!

Yes!

-[applause] -Good.

-That was incredible, guys!

-Really?

-[Examiner] Are you kidding?

I don't know which one of you I want most.

Well, probably Tim.

I'm telling you, you're gonna be huge stars.

[Tim] Ah, well.

We'll see.

I'm sorry, sir, but we've just intercepted another transmission.

-This is cast only.

-What?

Can someone get her out of here?

-OK, come on.

-No, er... it's important!

Thank you for trusting me with your talent.

Thank you for the words.

Oh, group, come on.

Group, group, group, group.

[Moritz groans happily] [Tim grunts] Someone's touching my bottom.

[light-hearted upbeat music] Sorry.

[bird singing] I think we're in good shape.

We've still got four days until the quiz.

-Plenty of time.

-You're going to look handsome on television.

What do you mean on television?

This is a TV quiz.

You knew that.

No, I didn't Is there a problem?

No.

What on earth are you wearing?

Do I make you... nervous?

-Do you have a throat infection?

-No.

[splutters] -No.

-You look ridiculous!

I was just gonna take it off.

What's the matter?

You look ill. Well, then.

Where were we?

[banging] Caitlin?

I don't know a Caitlin.

You're not allowed in the men's locker room.

Arrest me.

Make me feel the full force of the law.

What's the matter?

-[whispers] Are you scared?

-Yes.

-What?

-I'm sorry.

I'm just not good at role play.

Oh.

-You're angry with me.

-No, I'll wait outside.

Actually!

Damn eczema's back again.

Would you mind?

[light-hearted upbeat music] [music fades] Not on my watch.

...important you're in sync.

Look, I'm sorry about this...

It's unacceptable.

That's not his father.

Well, as I've said, they did apply to make a substitution.

This is totally unacceptable!

The decision has already been made.

Why don't you both just sit back and relax.

Hey, you're gonna have a terrific show!

You're gonna hear from my lawyers about this.

-I'm gonna sue your butts off!

-Blood pressure.

Screw the blood pressure!

[Chris] Second cousin?

No!

Richard II was Edward III's grandson.

Oh, right.

I knew that.

What is the matter with you?

Er, nothing.

I'm fine.

Is it hot in here?

I'm hot.

Have you ever been to Marrakech?

No.

Could you leave on a Tuesday?

We can talk about it later.

-There's something wrong.

-You're looking sexy.

Take care of your woman... ...or I might take care of her for you.

[phone rings] Talk to me.

[buzzing] Yeah, Tim.

Erm...

I, I think we've got a problem.

[buzzing] [buzzing] Next!

Could I have a word?

It's about the Yemen situation.

Sit down.

What's your name, sweetheart?

-Lisa.

-[Examiner] Lisa.

Hmm.

Where are you from, Lisa?

Out there?

-Hm.

-Hm.

And tell us, are you willing to do nude scenes if the work demands it?

I think that's a maybe.

Definite maybe.

[light-hearted upbeat music] [subdued laughter] -Standard room with shower?

-Shh.

Yeah, that should be fine.

[host] We can't wait much longer.

I told you, he's coming.

[host] Hm.

Christopher?

It-it's Philip.

Erm... we were just wondering if... if you might be ready to come out soon.

[banging] Where is he?

Get up!

I can't.

Get up now!

You don't understand.

I can't go on television.

Not again.

What do you mean 'again'?

Blockbusters.

1994.

I was going for my fifth gold run.

The pressure got to me.

I had... an accident and passed out... in it.

But that was years ago.

You'll be okay.

No!

Don't make me!

Please!

I'm begging you!

Please!

Look, I'm sorry, Marcus.

We're gonna disqualify you, unless your father - [Tim, gruff] Not so fast.

Who are you?

I'm his dad.

You told us your dad had learning difficulties.

Look at him.

Fair point.

Right, let's start the show.

-[game show music] -[applause] I don't believe we've met.

-What?

-I'm the new guy.

I was just wondering if you felt like showing this... cowboy round the neighbourhood.

Oh, I see.

Look, Portis, you really don't have to... Portis?

Who's this Portis?

No, my name's... Brad?

No.

-Ryan?

-No.

Zac?

-Dirk.

-Dirk?

Dirk... Blumenstein.

Rectal oncologist.

Wow!

You really are bad at this.

[Examiner] OK. What's the latest?

The Intel suggests Yemen is preparing to launch a... Oh, Yemen.

Yemen, Yemen.

Not that.

Come on, turn it over.

-[game show music on TV] -OK. Phew!

That was close.

-But, sir?

-Shhh!

Shh please!

Correct.

A car with the international registration code 'BG' -comes from?

-[buzzing] -Bulgaria.

-Correct Invented by Marc Chavannes and Al Fielding in 1957, this textured material is... [buzzing] -Bubble wrap.

-Correct.

The condition gynophobia is a... -[buzzing] -[Tim] Fear of women.

[chuckles] Correct.

Not something you suffer from, Tim, I bet.

-You know me, Mike.

-[laughter] George Deme... Come on!

Phew!

He's incredible!

Isn't he incredible?

Did you know he was a quiz genius?

[Caitlin] No.

What is 162.5 kilometres long?

[buzzing] -Is that the Suez Canal?

-Correct.

[chuckles] My word.

Now then, which country... ...has the highest population density?

-[buzzing] -Monaco.

-[Tim] It's Monaco.

-Correct.

Who was the youngest President of the United States?

That was... [Tim] That was... [electric interference] Gonna have to hurry you, Tim?

No, it's gone.

Ah!

I'm afraid you lose five points.

It was Theodore Roosevelt.

Good news, Nick, he is human after all!

[laughter] Now, who can tell me, what is the common name for ascorbic acid?

-[buzzing] -Vitamin C!

Correct.

Come on!

[upbeat music] [buzzing] J Lo?

Er, no.

I'm afraid, the correct answer is, of course, Angela Merkel.

[Examiner] What?

What happened to him?

Don't know.

[host] ...known as?

[buzzing] Manchester United?

Err, no, the answer is Hamas.

[Philip sighs] [host] Which mammal can kneel on all fours?

-[buzzing] -[Nick's dad] An elephant.

-Where's Owen?

-I don't know.

What's the matter?

Oh, erm, nothing.

[buzzing] That one is John, Paul, George and Ringo.

Er, no.

I can offer it across.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

-Ah, hallelujah!

-[jingle plays] Oh!

Now, that can mean only one thing.

With the scores tied at 165 apiece, we move into Sudden Death!

Now, please don't go anywhere, because we'll be right back after these.

[music playing] Back in a sec.

[upbeat music] Chris?

I want to go home.

Who did this?

-[Owen] I did.

-Why?

Because he wants the other team to win.

What's going on in here?

Philip bet on the other kid to win.

What?

Philip, how could you?

I bet on Marcus to win.

-Don't lie.

-I'm not lying!

Listen, listen.

Listen.

None of this matters any more.

I have to get up there and win this quiz.

[Owen] He's right.

But before you go, can I just... [office phones ringing] That was the Home Secretary.

Something about an attempted air strike?

What?

What?

Why wasn't I told about this?

But I've been trying to!

I don't want to hear excuses, OK?

Go on, get out of my sight.

-[game show music] -[host] Welcome back.

Er, Tim, are you alright?

-Yep.

-What the... -You look ridiculous.

-I'm aware of that, thank you.

So, with the scores absolutely level, we move into Sudden Death.

[dramatic jingle] [host] Now, for a place in the next round, who can give me the chemical formula for dynamite?

-[buzzing] -C6.

H2.

(NO2) 3.

CH3.

That is correct!

[applause] -[buzzing] -Get in!

Excuse me, that isn't right.

-[buzzing] -Hello?

Shh, shh, shh, ey!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

-[buzzing] - Hello?

-That's not right.

-Don't make it worse.

That's what I've got on the card.

No, but that's wrong.

Erm, he gave you the formula for TNT.

The formula for dynamite is C3.

H5.

(NO3) 3.

-Just saying.

-[host] Err... Er, Tim... You are absolutely right!

-[jingle playing] -[applause] Yes!

Yes!

I'm sorry, Nick.

That makes Tim and Marcus today's winners!

[applause, whistles] -High five!

-Don't even think about touching me.

I'm gonna sue every single one of you.

Shut up, Dad.

I wanna hear you say it.

Do I have to?

OK, fine.

You're the daddy.

[applause continues] Ever been to... Marrakech?

[light-hearted upbeat music] You've had a haircut.

Oh...

Sorry.

I got a bit carried away.

Forget about it.

You actually looked, erm, not that bad.

Well, you too.

[phone ringing] You should get that.

Yep.

I'll be right in.

Duty calls... [whispers] ...sister.

[delighted giggle] Hello?

Sitting right here.

Yeah, sorry.

[closing theme music plays]