Stuffed.

Do you want that?

Your half-dribbled sausage?

Yeah, go on.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

What do you mean?

It's not goodbye.

The custody hearing's not until this afternoon.

I know, but I think we both know it's all over.

-It's not over.

-It's over.

-Tell him it's not over.

-No, it's definitely over.

I would like to say that I've enjoyed this time we've spent together... Oh, me too.

I know we haven't - No, please, let me finish.

I would like to say that, but I can't.

I still find you a staggeringly hebetudinous individual.

Yeah, right, well, that's not even a word, so... You don't know what 'hebetudinous' means?

No, Marcus, no one does.

Oh, dear.

Well, anyway, as they say on L.A. Law, see you in court.

-What a tool.

-Shut up!

-Just shut up!

-What's your problem?

Do you have any idea what it's like to face losing a child?

My parents only died when I was 6, so no, please, do tell me some more about abandonment.

-Your parents live in Sussex.

-Well, we don't speak.

No, you don't speak, Chris, because you're incapable of having an adult relationship.

I've worked my behind off to improve my life.

I don't have a quarter of your intelligence.

-An eighth, probably, but... -And what do you do with all this talent?

Nothing.

You waste it away in a crappy dead-end job picking stupid fights with stupid customers.

-And you want to know why?

-No.

Because you're scared.

It's so much easier just to reject everything, everyone, life, before life rejects you.

Oh, sorry, I drifted off at the end there.

-Get out.

-Fine.

You're the last person I need around me today.

You know what?

Marcus is right.

You are hebetudinous.

Yeah, well, I still don't know what that word means!

[opening theme playing] [computerised voice] Scan in progress.

I'm telling you, every time.

-Identified, Tim Elliot.

-See?

What?

No.

Seriously, that's never happened before.

Identified, Tim Elliot.

OK, gang, here we go.

Final exams.

Come on, start taking your places.

-Tim, quick word.

-Sir?

I have a proposition for you.

I am very grateful, but I don't want to go on holiday with you.

No, no, no, not that, no.

Every year we send one of our new recruits on secondment with the CIA in exchange for one of their guys.

-You thought of me?

-What do you say?

Well, I can't give you an answer right now.

I've got my son's custody hearing this afternoon.

About that.

Are you sure you don't want my people to, er... [imitates gun cocking and firing] You know?

Absolutely positive.

OK. -Consider it done.

-What?

No.

No?

But I thought...

Listen to me very carefully.

Do not shoot my ex-wife.

Is that understood?

Relax.

Oof.

But apart from the kid, you're good to go?

I could give you an answer by the end of the day.

The villa in Tenerife is booked if you change your mind.

-Never gonna happen.

-Perfect, let me know.

[whispers] What did he want?

[quietly] It was nothing.

[The Examiner] OK, ladies and gentlemen, please, turn over your papers.

[Marcus breathing heavily] [clapping] -Terrific.

-Bravo.

-Very moving.

-Wasn't too much?

-No way.

-Definitely not.

I don't want to alienate the judge.

Trust me, the court will lap it up.

So what's next?

What do you reckon?

Tim's cross-X?

No, I think we need to do more work on Judith's examination-in-chief.

I agree.

OK, we've got a case to win, people.

Do you mind?

-Well, I was sitting here first.

-Yeah.

Unbelievably rude.

Sausage?

No, thanks.

It seems like a lifetime ago that we first sat here.

Yeah, and to think we now know a 137 different ways to kill people.

We do, and not just innocent bystanders, but even the occasional bad guy.

Absolutely.

How do you think the hearing will go?

-Well, you met Paula.

-Right.

I'm sure Marcus wants to stay with you more than he lets on.

Yeah.

I woke up this morning with him nailing a 'farewell' banner to my roof.

-You sure you don't want me to come with you?

-No.

I'm fine.

I could poison some of the witnesses.

[laughs] That's very sweet.

But no, really.

-Hey, shouldn't you get going?

-Yes.

Yes.

I... Yeah, damn.

-What?

-Nothing, it can wait.

No, go on, what is it?

OK, there was something I wanted to say.

To ask you, really.

Yeah?

OK, OK. Erm, yeah, no, it's... OK, no, so... OK, well, yeah, no, the thing is...

I think I know what the thing is.

-You do?

-Yeah.

No, I've been wanting to say...

Ask the same thing.

-Really?

-Really.

Because that's - That's good then.

-It is good, isn't it?

-So can we talk later?

-Absolutely.

-Do you promise?

Promise.

Now go.

You'll be late.

I know, yeah, yeah.

-I'm not sure if I care.

-Tim, go.

-OK. -Good luck.

[jovial music playing] Need any help?

Yes, these scanners... -Oh, it's you.

-Sorry?

-You stay away from me.

-Do I know you?

It's so easy to mock me, isn't it, Mr Smarty Pants!

Just because I don't know exactly which scanner to buy.

The XR10's a good model.

Oh, is it?

Is it?

Yeah, well, bad luck, because I'm not falling for your cynical ruse!

No, honestly, it's our best seller.

How dare you!

I am a strong, independent man.

I control my environment.

I will... -Are you even listening to me?

-No.

[jovial music plays] Good luck.

[bailiff] Court rise.

[judge] No way.

You're kidding?

That is hilarious.

[laughing] That's madness.

Listen, Dave, I should... Alright, mate, yeah.

Take care.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Yeah.

[laughs] Wednesday.

Yeah, looking forward to it.

OK. Bye.

Bye.

That was Dave.

He was just, erm... Ah, no, it doesn't matter.

It's - it's fine.

Okey doke.

-Everyone here?

-Yes, sir.

Crikey, you don't have many supporters.

No, sir.

-Bit screwed, aren't you?

-I am now.

Wait!

-Who are you?

-I'm Mr Elliot's counsel.

Christopher Cecil Pitt-Goddard, son of the Right Honourable Lord Hugh de Malmsly Goddard.

Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife.

Sorry, I'm a bit overexcited.

Cecil?

Is this correct?

Is Mr Pitt-Goddard your counsel?

-Yes, sir.

-Marvellous.

Let's get this party started.

Bang!

Mr Wilkes, shoot.

Take all the time you need.

[tearfully] I'm sorry.

This is just such a difficult time for me.

A mother forced to battle for the love of her son.

It's awful.

It's so, so awful.

Shame on you, sir.

With respect, Your Honour, my client, being the father, is equally distraught at having to negotiate for the affection of his only son.

Yes.

Forgotten that.

It's a good point.

One all.

-How am I doing?

-I'm sorry?

I'm a bit out of practise.

I've been off for 10 months, travelling round Indonesia with the family.

Tremendously rich country, culturally.

-You been?

-No, not yet.

Mr Goddard?

Oh, erm, I was an aid worker in the Palangkaraya district in '98.

Really?

Get on with it, Mr Wilkes.

[quietly] Idiot.

Please, could you tell your findings to the court, Ms Abdul?

Your name is Paula Abdul?

Over the several weeks that I worked with the family, it became increasingly clear to me that Mr Elliot was not capable of forming the emotional bonds necessary to be a satisfactory guardian for Marcus.

[Wilkes] And so it's your recommendation that Marcus ought to live with his mother?

Absolutely.

With immediate effect.

Blimey.

That rather ballses up your case, doesn't it?

Ms Abdul, would you please remove your shirt?

-What?

-I object!

Mr Goddard, I like to relax as much as the next man, but this is hardly the time.

If you will indulge me, sir, I will prove beyond doubt that Paula Abdul is, in fact, obsessed with my client, and as a result of him consistently rejecting her advances, she is now seeking to punish him in the most grotesque way imaginable!

-Nonsense.

-Your Honour, I strongly object to this.

Come on, off with it.

-What?

-It's kit-off time.

I'll tell you what, so you don't feel persecuted, I'll take my top off too.

Can't say fairer than that, eh?

[sighs] May I get dressed now?

[whispers] What were you thinking?

Turn around, please.

[sighs] [spectators gasp] -Oh, bloody hell.

Wow.

He's dead inside.

He doesn't know how to love!

Yeah, well, your evidence is like totally whatever right now.

This is ridiculous!

Your Honour, Tim cannot offer the balanced home life that Marcus needs.

Philip and I would provide the guidance of a father and a mother.

Tim has no one in his life.

No wife, no girlfriend.

He is incapable of love.

But Your Honour, Tim is in love.

-Are you?

-Am I?

Tim is in love with the woman he works with, Caitlin Banks.

-Is this true?

-I think so.

Sir, it is the best kind of love.

The kind of love you dare not admit to yourself in case you're mistaken.

A love born out of a friendship and a trust.

A love of which you're not even aware until one day the very sight of her causes all the oxygen in your lungs to escape, leaving your heart a vacuum.

And so it remains, gasping, until resuscitated by a simple smile.

Tim is capable of love, sir.

Love for a woman.

Love for a friend.

And love for a son.

[uplifting music playing] [applause] That was excellent.

And tell me, does this Caitlin, does she reciprocate?

I don't know.

I think so.

I haven't actually been able to tell her exactly how I feel.

-Well, you must.

-Yes, sir.

-Now!

-Right.

-Aren't we...?

-I've heard enough.

-Your Honour... -Shut your face, Wilkes.

No, I will consider this matter and issue my judgement later today.

-Now go!

-Thank you.

-Go!

-Yes, right.

No, I'm going.

Yes!

Whew!

[sighs] Still got it.

[uplifting music playing] [computerised voice] Go get her, Tim.

[cheers and applause] Tim.

Tim, this is Special Agent Portis.

-Special Agent...?

-CIA.

-Call me Marion.

-Why?

-It's my name.

-Your name's Marion?

[laughs] Yeah, I know.

-It's a little... -Gay?

-Unusual.

-Sorry, just saying.

It's OK, sweetie, I heard 'em all before.

I'm sure he's just kidding around.

-Well... -And if he isn't, I'll have to kill him.

[all laugh] Terrific.

Why does he keep kissing her?

It's a remarkable story, isn't it?

-They haven't told him yet.

-Told me what?

-Can I tell it?

-No.

No, Portis should do it.

No, you tell it, honey.

-No, it's OK. -Tell me the damn story!

If you feel like it.

I mean, I'm easy.

Well, erm...

I was on a deniable black ops mission in the Chengguan district of Tibet, infiltrating the regional Chinese-backed administration.

The United States government had been worried -about the Chinese economy... -Right, right, right.

Sorry, could we just skip to the capture and brutal torture?

Well, the good news is, I wasn't tortured.

[all laugh] -So just roughly groped?

-What?

No.

Why would you say that?

-Sorry, I just thought that's what you meant.

-[Portis] Absolutely not.

Good.

Brilliant.

I was held in captivity, unmolested for about 20 months.

Twenty months.

Until I eventually escaped and walked...

Walked.

...all the way to Nepal and freedom.

I love that bit.

Incredible story, isn't it?

Incredible story, it really is.

It is particularly incredible that I'm only hearing this for the first time now.

Portis was declared dead over a year ago.

Right, well, they were wrong about that, weren't they?

They sure were.

Sorry, so just to recap, erm, how exactly did you two become friends?

I'd say we were a bit more than friends.

-[all laugh] -Oh?

How much more?

Well, we were... We were engaged, Tim.

What?

They were engaged.

What do you think of that, huh?

I... All I can think right now is... [alarm blares] We have an intruder in the building.

You know what to do.

Let's go.

[gunfire on video game] -[knock on door] -Come in.

-Is this a bad time?

-Rats.

I don't know if you remember me from court.

Yes, of course, and I'm really not allowed to discuss the case with you.

I understand, it's just that I have some important new evidence which I think you need to take into consideration.

-What kind of evidence?

-The best kind.

Exhibit 34-B, My Lord.

I love my job so much.

Why are you being like this?

-I don't know what you're talking about.

Are you angry with me?

Why would I be angry?

One of my work acquaintances has just been reunited with the love of her life.

It's a glorious day!

He's not the love of my life.

Well, don't worry, I'm sure he'll love himself enough for the both of you.

Stop it.

I thought he was dead.

He was my fiancé, and he died.

Can't you see, I'm going a little bit crazy here?

I really thought you of all people would understand.

God!

-How did the hearing go?

-You were gonna tell me something before.

-Tim... -What were you gonna tell me?

I don't remember.

It's gone.

Well, maybe it'll come back to you, eh?

Maybe.

So is he gonna live with you?

Or are you both gonna move into his crystal fortress?

-Don't be like that.

-Sorry.

Seriously, though, is his cape machine-washable?

[screams] All I can say is, wow-wee.

And I assume I can expect another favourable judgement from you?

Hmm?

Oh, the case?

I'm afraid I've already written that.

What?

Sorry, didn't I make that clear?

I've sent it up to the senior judge for sign-off.

I feel bad now.

[exhales] [door opens] [door closes] [alarm blaring] Please don't hurt me!

What the hell are you doing?

-Caitlin?

-You're pathetic.

No.

I'm preparing an ambush.

-Slut.

-Knob.

[suspenseful music playing] Armed police!

Don't move!

[grunts] It's OK, I've got him now.

Crisis over.

CIA, baby!

Whoo!

So... let's see who we've got here.

[laughs] Hey, hey, that was tremendous fun.

Well done, everyone.

Thanks, Portis.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was your final test.

And I'm delighted to say, you've all passed.

Yeah!

Well, everyone except Jackson.

I never liked you, Jackson.

Get out of my sight.

But for you, ladies and gentlemen, congratulations, you are now all officially MI5 agents!

[all cheer] -Congratulations.

-Congratulations.

-That was quite a... -Hey, sweetie, come over here.

I'm just telling the guys how I won my third Purple Heart.

-I should probably... -Yeah.

[indistinct chatter] [woman] There's someone outside for you.

[indistinct chatter] Hey.

Hi.

-Bad news?

-Afraid so.

You still have custody of the little toad.

What?

Really?

-Yeah.

-How come?

Well, in light of Paula's less-than-expert testimony, I made a section 94 application to have the hearing nullified.

Yes!

Ooh!

I have no idea what that means.

It means that if you still want it, Marcus will continue to live with you for the next six months, until a new and hopefully sane family counsellor has had a chance to assess you weirdos.

That's great.

[sighs] Listen, I have to say this, Tim.

It's highly unlikely you'll win permanent custody of Marcus, so you should consider now what's best for you, as well as what's best for him.

Tim?

Yeah.

No, I understand.

You never told me you were a lawyer.

I never told you a lot of things.

-Oh, how did the exam go?

-Yeah.

-I passed.

-Congratulations...

Agent Elliot.

[low] Agent Elliot.

Nah, it isn't quite... See you later.

Word.

Chris.

Thanks.

[indistinct chatter] [indistinct chatter] You did well today.

Thank you, sir.

-You look good with a weapon.

-Thanks.

-Very arousing.

-Bit weird.

You have an answer for me?

Can I tell the CIA you're on your way?

Is he staying?

[The Examiner] Portis?

Yeah.

He's attached to this branch for the foreseeable.

[Tim] I think I have an answer for you.

Are you just going to stand there all day?

-Hmm?

-Put the suitcase down.

You look like a demented bellboy.

Alrighty.

How was the holiday?

It wasn't a holiday.

-No, I know.

-It was an archaeological dig at the Mycenaean ruins of Atreus.

No, I know.

I got the postcards.

I didn't send you anything.

Must have been Philip.

Really don't want to talk about Philip.

No offence, Philip.

-[speaking Greek] -What?

That's 'no problem' in Greek.

Shut up, Philip.

-What's for supper, Tim?

-Lamb tagine.

I'm vegetarian.

Since when?

Since the meat industry started dealing in wanton barbarism.

-Right.

-Well, it is late.

I suppose you could just rustle me up a celeriac and spinach quiche.

Yeah, I don't think I have any of those things.

You're seriously gonna make me live here again?

You know the deal, Marcus.

Hang in there.

It won't be for long.

-Make a note of the quiche.

-No quiche, check.

Sorry, Kemosabe.

-[Judith] Come on, let's go.

-[speaks Greek] -No.

-No?

I can make you something else.

Forget it.

I'll go round to Justine's.

I think they're having risotto alla Milanese tonight.

Right.

Good to have you back, Marcus.

I only wish the feeling were mutual.

[closing theme playing]