How are you?

Yeah, fine thanks.

Good, good.

Tim, you're fired.

-What?

Why?

-Why?

Why?

He wants to know why!

What's she doing here?

I had to inform HR.

This Incident Report is a disgrace.

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Oh, come on, Tim!

You exposed the identity of someone in the Witness Protection Programme!

-No, I did not.

-It's gross misconduct.

-A sackable offence.

-Yeah.

Read it, Leslie.

Please read it.

'T.E.'

that's you... negligently broadcast the name of Witness X over the Tanoy at Ikea while carrying out surveillance.

When confronted, 'T.E.'

claimed that the error was 'no big whoop' and that everyone should just... chillax.

'Chillax'.

Tim?

Sorry, Leslie, can I just, erm... Look as much as you like, but you cannot refute the allegations.

That's why they call them allegations.

Mm, yeah...

'T.E.'...

that's you.

-What?

-'T.E.'

The Examiner.

It's you.

-He's desperate.

-You've signed it at the bottom.

That signature could be anybody's.

And written: 'This signature is definitely mine, The Examiner.'

Circumstantial hearsay.

And there's a photo of you at Ikea.

It is unacceptable for you to harass my agents.

-You're the one... -I'm sorry, enough.

Enough.

Sorry about her, Tim.

She's emotionally unstable.

Er, Tim, listen, I'd like you to do me... a little favour.

The witness is not staying with me.

Come on.

It's just for a week, while we sort out a new identity.

I'm telling you right now, there is absolutely no way I - There you are.

I want you to meet Tim.

He'll be... looking after you.

[casually] Hi.

[opening theme music plays] [laughing] I'm- I'm telling you... [whispering] I'm telling you, she is really good-looking.

-[Chris] When can I meet her?

-Erm... How about never?

Sounds like someone's afraid of the Love Guru!

-[laughing] Yeah, right.

-I've got to go.

OK, bye.

So you like her?

-You're not jealous, are you?

-Jealous?

Of her?

Why would I be jealous?

That is ridiculous.

I am literally laughing, that is so ridiculous.

[tyres skidding] Wow!

He's such a show off, isn't he?

Lower primates can ride bicycles.

Seems to be impressing some people.

Hey Marcus!

Why don't you show us what you've got?

No, thank you.

Oh, is someone a chicken?

That's 'Gallus domesticus' to you.

Are you going to put up with that?

[children playing nearby] [tense, intriguing music] [school bell rings] Oh... damn, I was really looking forward to that.

It's OK. We'll see you here later... after school?

[stutters] Great!

Looking forward to it.

I can't wait for you to destroy him.

Is there a problem with my application?

No, I'm just surprised that you want to be a PE teacher.

-Sure, why not?

-Do you like sports?

No!

God, no.

Any physical activity?

Try not to.

It's exhausting.

Yeah, yeah.

What about children?

Not a big fan.

Any... teaching experience?

None.

-Never really interested me.

-I see.

Just remind me again why you want to be a PE teacher?

The same reason everyone else does, the absurdly generous holidays, easy hours, stealing school property, and the chance to hook up with demoralised drunk teachers and/or hot South American nannies.

-Well, I suppose it is only PE.

-Exactly.

-Do you wanna start this afternoon?

-Yeah, cool.

Is that true about the nannies?

Looks like your man has bottled it.

He'll be here.

Where the hell is he?

I'm sorry, he shouldn't be much longer.

You're very sweet.

Ah... -You OK?

-Yes, thank you.

Marcus, I'd like you to meet Elaine.

She's gonna stay with us for a few days.

Enchanted.

Can we go now?

Yeah, you wanna put your belt on?

[gentle ambient music plays overhead] I hope that was OK.

It was delicious.

You really can't go wrong with Viennetta.

You want some coffee?

Thanks.

Decaf skinny latte for me, ta.

How much longer are you planning observing me?

Deciding a child's custody is a duty I take very seriously, Tim.

And, er, mum's hosting bridge night, so... -You live with your parents?

-Yeah.

Not ideal, particularly if you're bringing back a lady... which I... usually am.

Plus mum's incontinent, so not the best aphrodisiac.

Not like your missus!

What you're married?

-You haven't met Judith?

-She's my ex-wife.

-Oh.

-She is knockout.

I mean you're fine, of course, solidly above average, but that one is something especial .

-Is that so?

-She's not a nice person.

No.

She's a savage, isn't she?

Untamed.

You just wanna...

Thank you!

I'm just gonna check on Marcus.

Maybe you'd like to think about, erm... leaving.

Or charades?

[upbeat music] This is easy!

Look at me, I'm Nick.

I can do silly tricks on my bicycle.

Marcus?

Are you OK?

What are you doing?

-Did you want something?

-Yes.

I want you to say goodnight to Elaine before you go to bed.

[sighing] You're such a cliché.

[door closes firmly] [sighs] Elaine?

Hello?

Why don't you come and sit by me.

Where's... where's Owen?

He had to go.

So, erm... it's just you and me.

It would seem that way.

I want to get to know you... much, much better.

-OK. -[Marcus] Goodnight.

Hey, Marcus!

-Are you... off- s- off to bed?

-Obviously.

OK, well, sleep excellently, and, erm, I will see you very soon, in the morning, in fact, around a quarter- a quarter to breakfast.

Goodnight, Elaine.

Marcus.

Do you think he suspected anything?

Like what?

I don't know, like... [office chatter] Can I help you?

Elaine types.

-Oh.

yeah.

-Mm.

She's got lovely, long, slender, delicate fingers.

That's nice for her.

Elaine's right-handed.

Is she now?

She said the funniest thing this morning.

Erm, something about... er, what was it?

Er... Something about, erm... Marmite... -Oh.

-[Tim laughs] no it wasn't, it was, erm, oh... what was she... Oh, oh, er...

Absolutely hilarious.

Classic Elaine.

That's quite a story.

Isn't it great that we've both found someone?

-Yeah.

-You know what, I've got it!

The four of us should go and have lunch!

-Oh, I don't think... -Portis!

-Hm?

-The four of us.

Next week, lunch.

Yeah, sure.

Sounds fun.

-Settled, then.

-Yay!

You're gonna love Elaine.

She is so... sweet and kind.

I was just saying that... [continues indistinctly] [Elaine] Can I help you?

-Who are you?

-You must be Judith.

-Do I know you?

-No, but I've heard a lot about you.

I'm Elaine.

-Are you a friend of Tim's?

-A friend?

[giggles] Yes, I guess you could say that.

Would you like to come in, I'm making breakfast?

No.

I was just dropping off my old bicycle helmet for Marcus.

Oh!

He's such a sweet, delightful boy!

We've been getting on brilliantly.

He actually called me mummy the other day.

-But I'm his mother.

-Of course you are.

Well...

I guess we both are.

I must go.

Make sure he gets that.

He'll get it, alright.

Mnh-mnh.

Oh, here it is.

Are you nearly ready?

-Tim's going in late today.

-What?

I haven't finished with him yet!

You're so naughty!

Tim, you said you'd take me.

We've got hockey practice... [sniggers] [laughing] Look at him.

-Yeah.

-[laughter] -Why?

-With his silly outfit!

[laughter] It is a silly outfit, isn't it?

[childlike] My name's Chris.

And I'm 30, but I like playing games 'wiv ickle childwen'.

[Owen] That's actually quite a funny voice!

-And as for you!

-Yeah.

What can we say about him?

He's a bit fat!

Fatty!

And he lives with his incontinent mother!

[laughing] yeah... That is hilarious and factually accurate, so double sussed!

Why do they have to be so cruel?

Are you gonna take me or not?

Not.

[Owen] I'll take you.

I don't wanna stay here a minute longer.

Plus I've gotta get mum more Imodium.

-Who's my big boy!

-I am.

Yes you are, who's my big boy!

[Tim] Hey.

Oh, hi.

-Haven't seen you for a while.

-No, sorry.

-Erm, a lot going on at home recently.

-Hm, hm, hm.

How is... -Elaine?

-She's, er, she's good.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, good.

-How've you been?

-Me?

-Good.

Very, very good, actually.

-Yeah?

Yeah, I'm having a really good time.

Things are going really well.

-You know, loving my job.

-Hm.

Great social life and, erm... really s... supportive friends.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

Er, it is, and I'm in a... a good place... right now, and, er... -taking a bit of me time.

-Yeah, I'm pleased.

-Yeah.

-I should probably... Yeah, sure.

It's all yours.

OK. And, erm... -Really great to see you again.

-You too.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, you've forgotten your, erm... What is this?

[door opens, bell tinkles] [Marcus] Erm, excuse me.

Which of these has the greatest distance between the ground contact point and the steering axis?

-What?

-I'm looking for something with a low torque ratio but a high centre of mass for increased stability.

That one there.

-This one here?

-Yeah.

This bicycle has all the properties I asked for?

-Yeah.

-I'm impressed by your knowledge of the merchandise.

I'd like to take out fully comprehensive cover.

Can you arrange that?

No problem.

[upbeat music] It doesn't work.

I think I might have just the thing for you.

[light-hearted music] Thank you for coming.

-Can I get you something?

-Nothing.

Thank you.

-I know you and I haven't always got on.

-No.

I've always thought of you as a satanic demon who ripped out Tim's heart and crushed his soul.

I think of you as a supercilious, manipulative drain on society whose arrogance is matched only by his appalling dress sense.

Right.

But I think we can both agree we've got a real problem -on our hands with Elaine.

-Yes.

-We used to be so close.

-I know.

-You've met Tim's boss before?

-Briefly.

Good to see you.

You know, he used to make me feel... -what's the word I'm looking for?

-Superior?

-Yes.

-Good about myself?

-Exactly.

-And now she has stolen him away from us and given him this... -Don't say it.

-[whispering] Self-esteem.

Oh, God no!

It's OK. Let it out.

The point is, what can we do about it?

What do we even know about her?

Well, I've heard, on the grapevine, of course, that, erm, she used to be in the Witness Protection Programme.

Apparently, she snitched on this... er, organised crime syndicate.

-I'm starting to feel sorry for her now.

-Don't be.

No, no, no, my understanding is that she is the most violent of them all.

I have a plan that I think might work.

OK, let's get on it, we haven't got a moment to lose.

Absolutely.

-We're going to have lunch?

-Oh, yeah.

-I'm starving.

-The club sandwich is good.

-I thought you were thinner.

-Thanks.

Can we have the wine list, please?

So... so what part of Colombia are you from?

-Barranquilla.

-Sounds magical.

Why did you leave?

Didn't wanna be a drug mule no more.

I love animals.

You are funny.

-Am I?

-You must really love the children.

-I guess, I do.

-[Goldstein] Sir?

Not now.

I mean, what is it, you little scamp?

Mr Goddard hasn't turned up for hockey practice.

OK.

So, Barranquilla...

But we've got a match against St Joseph's this afternoon.

We really need the practice.

Perhaps I can watch you play?

Ooh, yeah.

So, what's it like working with this hunk?

-[Tim] Stop it.

-I will not.

Isn't he wonderful?

-Yes, he is.

-Yes, you are.

Don't you just wanna eat this lovely face?

[gnawing sounds] [Tim playfully] Aw, maybe not as a starter, eh?

[loud giggling] Oh... am I embarrassing you in front of your friends?

Well... Silly squirrel!

We just have this amazing connection, you know?

Oh, yes.

It's like me and him.

What are you...?

Oh, right.

Our relationship is getting very serious again.

-It is?

-Oh, shush you!

Women are allowed to be mysterious.

That's what makes us so endlessly fascinating.

Isn't that right, sweetie?

Yeah, sure.

Erm, s - So... how serious is serious?

Well... let's just say we are thinking about taking the Big Leap.

-Did you hear that, baby?

-Yeah.

At this rate, they're gonna beat us down the aisle!

Yeah.

Wait, what?

Oh, come on, it's not like we haven't talked about it.

Erm, kind of is.

But I thought you were out of here once you got the new identity.

Well, that's before I met my guy.

Or should that be my spy?

Order for me, sweetie.

I'm going for a poo.

She seems nice.

She's odd, isn't she?

-Dude, she is certifiable!

-Yeah.

-Tim, You have to get rid of her.

-I see that now.

Is it rude if we leave before she comes back?

-I don't think so.

-[Portis] No way.

[light-hearted, upbeat music] [dog barking in the distance] I think it's down there.

You could have told me, I would have changed.

Why are you dressed like that?

You only wear that when you're trying to flirt.

I don't know what you mean.

-Can I help you with something?

-We're looking for Keith.

-Keith don't know no one.

-What terrible grammar.

[Philip] We... we were told he... worked here.

Yeah, well, you was told wrong, Xanadu.

We have information about Elaine Whiting.

We know where she is.

And we really don't care where she goes.

-Oh!

-Surprise.

[childishly] Oh, did I frighten you?

-Little bit.

-Good, because I'm a teeny-weeny bit cross with you.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

Yes.

You left me all alone in that horrid restaurant.

Did I?

-Oh!

Silly me.

-[chuckles] I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached.

You better not do that when we're married, or it might not be attached for very much longer.

-OK?

-OK. [nervously] Huh... Hey, while we're on the whole marriage thing, erm, looking forward to it immensely, obviously.

Hm.

Erm... we have only known each other... a week.

And?

Do you not think that maybe... we should... wait a little while?

You know, just to be... absolutely sure that we are perfectly suited, and that... one of us isn't...

I don't know... a psychopath.

It almost sounds as if you don't want to get married.

Are you kidding?

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life... with you.

I'm just going to pop out and get some air.

Alright?

[chokes] OK. Yeah.

-[chuckling] -Oh.

OK, here I go.

[intriguing music] [Elaine] You told them I was here.

-What?

Who- who are they?

-Dead men.

And so are you!

-[suspenseful music] -OK, look... this... you do - we can... [Tim] Guys!

Maybe just think about honeymoons and... Hawaii and things like that.

Oh... You know, I'm thinking nice sort of... OK... Guys!

[exhilarating music] Guys!

[Justine] Look!

Get on!

Go!

That's for hockey practice, bitch!

[brakes screech] -[Chris gasps] -Thanks.

Are you OK?

Yes, thank you.

Aaw.

-What's that for?

-Just wanted to say sorry for... acting like a knob.

You didn't.

-I did.

-You did a bit.

Thank you.

I think I just enjoyed having a girlfriend, you know?

Yeah.

[coughing] Man, what's up with my teeth today!

[groans softly] Ah... Alrighty, well, that was all.

Oh, by the way, what happened to Elaine?

Erm, dunno, actually.

The boss said he was sorting it out.

Ooh!

Is that a gun, or are you just pleased to see me?

[Examiner laughs] It's a gun.

[playful barking noises] [theme music]