Right, well, if everyone's ready, then.

My name is Paula, and I'm here to help you all get along a little better.

Good luck with that.

Oh!

Isn't he a treasure?

Now, Marcus, we're gonna meet here every few weeks, and when it's time for me to report back to the court, if your naughty daddy has failed to show that he can look after you properly, then you will go straight back to live with your mummy.

-Is that all clear?

-Translucent.

Right.

How have things been?

-Great.

-Appalling.

-General agreement.

-No agreement.

What problems have there been living together?

-May I?

-Yes, of course.

[Paula] Psst.

[Marcus] Thank you all for coming here today.

This is obviously a very difficult situation, and I know we all want what's best for the child.

-Nicely articulated, Marcus.

-Little bit pretentious.

How can I describe Tim's parenting skills?

-Exemplary.

-[Marcus] Feeble.

Tim is a dreadful father.

-Oh, that's not true.

-It is.

-He is always late.

-I object.

This isn't a courtroom, Tim.

His cooking is abysmal.

What?

Updated classics.

Gary Rhodes.

The house is a death trap.

-Terrifying.

-Give me one example.

OK, so there might be a little tiny bit of snagging.

And he has unsuitable friends.

[Tim] Right, well, that's absolutely not true because I don't have any friends.

So bad luck.

Objection!

-Sustained.

-[Marcus] I withdraw.

In summary, I humbly request that Social Services allow me to live with my mother and Philip.

Really don't want to talk about Philip.

-No offence, Philip.

-Don't worry about me, bro.

[Judith] That was a very impressive presentation.

It certainly was.

[whispers] I want you.

-I'm sorry?

-Sorry, what?

You said you want me?

I don't think so.

-You disgust me, Tim.

-Sly goat.

Tim and I would never enter into a relationship.

-No.

-God, no!

-A forbidden romance?

-Absolutely not.

-Like in The English Patient.

-Never.

Never.

Very unlikely.

-Never.

-Watch this space.

-Ignore the space.

-We'll see.

But for now, to help everyone achieve their goals, I have prepared this special chart.

Every time Daddy does something good, you give him a gold star.

And every time he does something bad, you give him a black star.

That is genius.

-It's not exactly scientific.

-It's for children, Tim.

Still, it's pretty meaningless.

Do you see how this works?

-I do.

-Unfairly.

-And Tim?

-Yes, Paula?

Do you know what I tell fathers?

Try and be a hero to your son.

-It's that simple.

-Hmm.

That's not simple.

Negative attitude.

OK, good.

[opening theme playing] [computerised voice] Scan in progress.

Identified, Louise Webster.

Er, no, no.

It's Tim Elliot.

Have a good day, Louise.

OK, come on.

Yeah, yeah, sit anywhere.

So, first day.

-Nervous?

-No, sir.

Of course you are.

Listen up, people.

I am The Examiner.

It's a good title, isn't it?

Powerful.

Over the next few months, you will be undergoing extensive training in all the key operational areas, but I will repeat, if anyone discovers you work for MI5, you're out of here, is that clear?

[all] Yes, sir.

I definitely haven't told anyone.

What is the first rule of weaponry?

-Safety.

-Restraint.

-Have fun.

-Really?

-You bet.

-I'd have gone with 'safety'.

[laughs] Have you seen this stuff?

This is seriously cool.

Two-way earpieces.

Recordable pen.

Smoke grenades.

Check out the Taser.

[The Examiner laughing] Fifty thousand volts.

[kiss] Thank you very much.

Don't you just want to sink that charge into someone?

Only if the use of force is reasonable.

But who's to say if it is reasonable?

-The courts.

-Or is it us, Tim?

-No, it's the courts.

-It's a grey area.

-Not really.

-But as long as we had fun, eh?

-Am I right or am I right?

-Legally, you're not right.

-Absolutely spot on, sir.

-Good lad.

OK, pair up, grab some gear.

Target acquisition exercise in 30 minutes.

Whoa-pah!

Oh, brilliant.

[jovial music plays] [Caitlin over radio] Have you located the target?

[Tim] I am The Examiner.

-Powerful.

-[sighs] Stop messing about, Alpha One.

Sorry.

I've found it!

Ah!

Yes, OK, I heard you, Alpha One.

Just get the bag and bring it back to the RV.

-My bag!

-Whoa.

-My bag, thank you.

-No, no no, it isn't.

Yes, evening bag.

Just ignore him and let's go.

OK, if it's your bag, what's in it?

-A dog?

-A dog?

Microwave?

Do you need backup?

No!

No, negative.

Negative.

I'm on my way, over.

-You Immigration?

-No, I'm not with Immigration.

You spy on me naked.

OK, bye-bye.

Oh no!

-Yes!

Spy!

-Give me that back!

No!

-[static crackling] -Alpha One, come in Alpha One.

Oh, that's - that's disgusting.

[muttering in foreign language] -[grunts] -Ah!

[sharp groan] Sorry.

Are you OK?

[groans weakly] Thank God.

[grunts] Come in.

Alpha One?

Tim?

-[alarm blaring] -[distant police sirens] [heroic music playing] [laughing] It really is an incredible story, Tim.

-Stop it.

-Are you kidding?

My viewers are gonna love this.

'Single father rescues terrorised homeless man.'

Well, when you put it like that.

And to think that only yesterday, you were just a pointless Civil Service computer dweeb.

Yeah, I wouldn't quite say - And now you're this huge local hero.

Whoo-hoo!

Come on!

This is ludicrous.

Your son must tell you all the time how proud he is of you.

Oh, he does.

-With his eyes.

-I assume this earned you a gold star?

-Not yet.

-Marcus!

Well, let's remedy that straight away.

Do you want to give your dad a gold star for his bravery?

Sadly, we're all out of gold ones.

Bought some more.

[laughs] -How about that, Marcus?

-How about that, Marcus?

Well played, Tim.

And what about you, Jarek?

Can you still not remember anything about the attack?

Nothing.

One minute, it's OK. Next minute, it's blackness.

-Pity.

-Isn't it?

Well, if you do remember any of the details, I would love to hear them.

I think your viewers will have forgotten by then.

So, where will Jarek go now?

I don't know, it's very sad.

I stay here.

No.

No, I don't think that's ideal.

Ideal.

-Not really your call.

-That's an excellent idea.

Perfect.

Yes.

And what do you think, Marcus?

Can Jarek please stay with us, Daddy?

Please!

This is turning into a terrific story.

You know what?

I'm gonna fast-track you onto my show tomorrow.

-I beg you not to.

-Don't mention it, Tim.

Urgent toilet!

Again?

We're joined now in the studio by single father Tim Elliot, who really does have an extraordinary tale to tell.

Tim, welcome.

Great to see you today.

Thanks ever so much for coming.

Yeah, lovely.

I'm watching it now.

A sort of Mother Teresa meets Steven Seagal.

-And?

-[Chris] OK. -You look a little... -Fat, I know.

I was gonna say effeminate, but who cares?

You're a bona fide hero.

This is gonna net you some serious action, dude.

-Really?

-Are you kidding?

For some women, being heroic is even more important than money.

You are a deeply cynical man.

-I'll see you later.

-Word.

I know him.

...the breathing, the man.

Yes, a-a homeless dirty man.

-A homeless dirty man.

-Yes.

[giggling] Are we crazy?

One of us might be.

-This can't go on, Tim.

-OK. And yet, it must.

Really?

-You can't put a name on this.

-Sexual harassment?

-Do you want me to lose my job?

-Increasingly, yes.

You must be strong for both of us.

-Tell me what to do.

-Leave me alone.

-I'll do anything you say.

-Leave me alone.

-Just say the word.

-Leave me alone.

-Your silence says it all.

-Sod off.

I know, baby.

I know.

[soft sobbing] [hysterical sobbing, laughter] [jovial music playing] So were you scared?

No, sweetheart.

I don't do scared.

Listen, this isn't just my job, you know, this is who I am.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Ooh, sorry, love.

Are you alright?

Oi, Blue Thunder, The Examiner wants you.

I'm sorry, ladies.

Duty calls.

Yeah.

Ah, Tim.

Come in.

-Sit down.

-Thank you.

-Whisky?

-Er, it's 10 a.m., sir.

-Gin?

-Er, I think I'm fine.

You know when I first started here, Tim, drinking was only allowed after hours.

But I changed that.

You want know why?

You have a massive drinking problem?

Because I am a maverick, Tim.

I do what needs to be done.

A man of action.

-[snaps fingers] -I think you are too.

Thanks.

-I like you, Tim.

-Thank you.

-Almost too much.

-Bit weird.

-You showed tremendous courage yesterday.

-Yeah.

In a way.

So, then, Action Man, when are you gonna kill the hobo?

-I'm sorry?

-The Bulgarian.

When are you gonna punch his card?

I'm not sure I understand.

Obviously, we can't have this Jarek creature discovering that you're MI5.

-No, obviously.

-So then when are you gonna terminate him?

I'm so sorry, I'm not gonna terminate him.

Hmm.

I get you.

-What?

-I get it.

[whispers] Why are you winking?

-Am I?

-Yeah.

Well, you know, winking is hard to prove in one of your law courts, Tim.

It could be just a... twitch.

Is it?

Who knows?

-Alrighty.

-OK?

Hey, give me the nod when you need the Cleaners.

Oh I won't need the Cleaners.

Oh, you're gonna need the Cleaners.

Not gonna need the Cleaners.

-Hey, I hear you, Tim.

-Pretty sure you don't.

You and I are the same, Tim.

-[Tim] No, we're not.

-Yeah, ruthless.

Ruthless man.

Get in there.

[folk music playing faintly] -You're looking guilty.

-I'm not.

No breakfast.

Jarek, a black star, if you please.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not so fast.

[timer dings] Here we are.

Two organic free-range Columbian Blacktail eggs, poached for four minutes and 17 seconds.

Homemade soy and flaxseed bread and unsalted Venezuelan goat's butter.

-I'm not hungry.

-Good to know that now, thank you.

-I have?

-Knock yourself out.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Egg no good.

Oh, dear.

-What?

-Again.

-You just want me to redo it?

-No, I am only homeless guy.

You treat like rubbish.

No, no, no, it's fine.

I'll just redo it.

[electricity crackles] You fix wire.

It's very dangerous.

Maybe you could have a little look at that while I'm at work.

Oh, so Jarek only useful as house slave?

He Eastern European guy, so you treat like animal.

Why not you put saddle on back and ride round kitchen like Eurasian moose?

[muttering in foreign language] I quite agree.

Whoa, hey, why two stars?

One for each egg.

I have to go to work.

Toilet blocked again.

Of course it is.

[Marcus] And we need more black stars.

[boxing bell dings] It's been like this all week.

He's a nightmare.

-Yeah, so throw him out.

-I can't.

-Why not?

-Because I'll get more black stars.

And then Paula will write up a bad report, and then I'll lose custody of Marcus.

Yes!

I am your god, and you worship me.

Say it.

No.

Will you talk to him?

He just ignores me.

You want me to talk to a tramp?

-Yeah.

-Why would I do that?

Because that's what friends do for each other.

No, I don't understand.

Just talk to him, please.

I don't care where he goes, I just want him out.

OK, on one condition.

Yes, fine.

You are my god, and I worship you.

That is such a nice thing to say, but I was actually gonna ask you to help me move that display.

Oh.

Aren't you supposed to open up by now?

Yeah.

Look at them.

Imbeciles.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Go on, get!

[upbeat music playing] Sorry, could you make any more noise?

If you wanted to get someone out of your house, how would you go about doing that?

Probably ask them to marry me.

Knowing my luck, Jarek would probably accept.

Ah, yes, your Bulgarian bromance.

-You live alone, don't you?

-Why?

Maybe Jarek could come and stay with you.

-[Caitlin] Oh.

-Aw.

I've just got so much work to catch up on, I don't get any peace at home.

Don't worry.

I'm sure he'll leave soon.

I've asked my friend Chris to talk to him, so... -Well, there you go, then.

-Yeah.

You haven't met Chris.

Tell you what, if Chris has no success, I suppose I could always help you study.

-Really?

-Sure.

Why not?

-I could study at your place.

-My place?

I thought that's what you meant.

No.

Yes, that is what I meant.

You come to mine.

Easy.

I mean, it's just a study session.

it's not like it's a date.

No.

-How about Saturday night?

-Saturday?

-Since that's when Marcus stays with his mother.

-Right.

That is such a relief.

Oh, I feel less anxious already.

Hmm.

Me too.

[exhales] [Chris] First, may I say that my client has enjoyed your company.

Thank you.

But he feels the current situation cannot continue.

Why not?

Let's just say irreconcilable differences.

However, in recognition of your contribution, we are prepared to offer you a very generous severance package.

[percussive military music playing] That's not going to fly, Chris.

We think it's a pretty substantial offer, given the economic climate.

Fine, well, we'll just have to see what the media make of it when we disclose the real circumstances of Jarek's 'accident'.

-You mean... -[Marcus] That's right, Chris.

We've known all along that Tim fell on Jarek.

You wouldn't dare.

Try me.

[both slurp] [gulps] Fine.

One thousand pounds and a one-way flight to Bulgaria on Ryanair.

Two thousand pounds and a KLM flight.

-Fifteen hundred, easyJet.

-Bulkhead seats.

Regular seats, but priority boarding.

-Lunch.

-A sandwich.

-On board.

-You're dreaming!

Boots meal deal, and I don't introduce our friend to UK Immigration.

[speaking quietly in foreign language] My client also wants 13 litres of industrial-strength toilet cleaner.

Industrial!

Done, as long as your client's out of the house within the hour.

Agreed.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Thank you very much.

[Jarek] Thank you.

Now gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, Hannah Montana is on.

[traffic ambience] [urinating] [door opens] [sighs] How's our little problem?

Being handled, sir.

Roger.

Just let me know when you need the Cleaners.

-Not gonna need the Cleaners.

-Oh, you're gonna need 'em.

Can we not get into this again?

I like everything about you, Tim.

OK. [The Examiner] Oh!

[laughs] Jarek, your taxi will be here in 10 minutes.

OK, OK. [jovial music playing] [electricity crackles] Jarek?

Jarek?

Oh, dear.

Still nothing?

No, I don't know what he's doing.

I told him to call me straight after.

So I was thinking for Saturday, I might as well make a bit of dinner.

Nothing flash, just a little nibble.

So I was wondering, is there anything you don't... like?

-I really wish people would stop doing that.

-I'm sorry.

You know you're not supposed to come to my work.

-How'd it go?

-There's good news and bad news.

What's the bad news?

Jarek's dead.

Any chance the good news offsets the bad news?

Not really.

I asked you to negotiate with him.

I did!

It sounds like you were a little inflexible.

He electrocuted himself on your dodgy light switches!

Oh God.

Does Marcus know?

Not yet.

I hid the body in his yoga mat.

Ew!

What are we gonna do?

[gasps] [whimpering] -Alright, leave it to me.

-OK.

I think I know someone who can help.

[sobbing] My fingerprints are everywhere.

[The Examiner] Don't you worry about a thing, Tim.

My boys will take it from here.

Really not what you think.

I know, of course, an accident.

Boo-hoo.

-It was.

-[laughs] Damn it, Tim.

You complete me.

Everybody, that guy, ruthless.

Learn from him.

[sharp whoosh] Permission to call an ambulance, sir?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, permission granted.

That was a good result, then.

It's really not what it looks like.

I only asked him to go round - Actually, I'd rather not know the details, if that's OK?

OK. At least I won't have to bother you at the weekend, so, you know, you're off the hook.

Hooray.

I guaranteed my viewers a follow-up, and now I'm gonna look like a complete t*t. Yeah, I just came home, and he was gone.

[Martin] Damn, damn, damn!

Sorry.

[sighs] It's OK.

I'll just have to make something up.

-Well, when you say 'make up'?

-Oh, I don't know.

The usual veiled character attack on you, unsubtle innuendos suggesting foul play and perversions.

I'll figure something out, don't worry about me.

-OK, good.

-Unless of course, Tim comes on your show and confesses to, I don't know, having Jarek deported?

-Absolutely not.

-That's a brilliant idea.

Hero disgraced on national television.

It has a ring to it.

I'm never - There's no way I'm doing that.

But, you see, if you don't, then I'll have to dig into every part of your life.

Your family, your girlfriends, your work.

-My work?

-Everything.

This is ridiculous.

And remember, Tim, we're gonna need plenty of tears.

-Forget it.

-Oceans of tears.

You're a despicable person, aren't you?

Yes.

You're a spiteful, heartless, perverted monster.

-Yes.

-Say it.

I am a spiteful, heartless... -Perverted.

-Yes, thank you.

Perverted monster.

You're basically a total sh...

I think we've seen enough.

They made it seem worse than it was.

This makes it hard for us to be together.

Us?

There is no 'us', Tim.

Let it go.

But you just said, this...

But you just said this... OK, fine.

-Hey!

-In anticipation.

It's been a tough couple of weeks, Tim.

Currently, there's no contest between you and Philip.

Really don't want to talk about Philip.

No offence, Philip.

None taken, bubba.

But who's for giving Tim another chance?

-No.

-No.

Absolutely.

So, let's see if we can't turn things around and start over.

-Oh, terrific!

-Oh, negative attitude.

OK, good.

[sighs] [closing theme playing]