[♪♪♪] -Hey!

-Ah!

-Ladies and gentlemen, we're back again.

-Right.

-Did you see that?

-Yeah.

-It's pretty amazing, don't you think?

You wanna see it with two of 'em?

-No, not really.

-Oh, whew.

Thank heaven.

-You know, you look at-- for a minute there, you looked like one of those rockstars from... -Why?

Is my toupee--?

-...20 years ago.

No, the way you were handling that salt and pepper shaker.

-Oh, okay.

-Like if it had a wire on it, you would've swung it around and bopped somebody.

-I was a rockstar at one time.

-Yeah.

Your Aunt Tootsie rocked you in the cradle when you were a baby.

-[laughs] In the cradle of love.

-Uh-huh.

-Yes, it is.

Well, Mr. Johnson.

-How are you?

-Oh, I have never been better.

Never.

-Well, I haven't been better for a long time.

For a while, anyway.

-I'm doing really well.

Thank you.

-Yeah, I'm doing good.

Let's get the witch in here and find out what-- -She just sailed through.

-Mighty fast.

The witch has got her act together this year.

-Well, you spoke too soon, Johnson.

-Oh!

She rammed that witch broom right up my finger.

-[chuckles] Witch broom, witch broom, that broom, that broom.

Okay, what do you got?

-All right.

"Dear Boys, is it possible for you two "to just do a regular meal?

"I mean, like, I know you're trying to be funny and all, "but you're getting too far out.

"Come back to earth and just do a plain, ordinary meal "that's not too complicated.

"After Wussy and I get home from our jobs at the bank, "we're too tired to do anything but use the microwave "and do some frozen thing.

"We've never used the stove in the townhouse we rent.

"Actually, we're Generation Xers who never had a lesson on how to cook in our background, okay?"

-Oh!

-"Sincerely, Bunny and Wussy Wiggle of Sparkling Times, Colorado.

[Laban laughs] -[laughs] I'm telling you.

I love to hear from those viewers out there.

-Oh, they're wonderful.

-So, what does it mean, Laban?

-Well, I guess we just need to do today a regular meal that's not too complicated, so I think you're doing a salad, and I'm doing a vegetable, and Doris did the entrée.

-Oh, and hey, Doris is coming by, and we have a new hand mic today we're going to introduce... -I know.

The first-- -...because I have been trained by the sound engineer in using a hand mic.

And so, for my safety, for my safety-- -And after-- after all these years... -All these years.

-...17 years we've been doing this show, we're finally going to let Doris speak into her own microphone instead of your bosom.

-And the Cook Sisters are also going to be here.

-You're kidding.

-It's true.

-Are those old broads out of the nursing home again?

-And Mr. Steve has been at it again.

Have you noticed?

-Oh, yeah.

He's put another-- -Skunk hair, skunk hair.

-You know, he has got to change that knittin' needle that he-- or what is it, a crochet hook-- that he pulls those because you really do look like a tiger.

-Like a tiger.

-Either that or for you This Old House fans, he looks like he is tiger cherry.

One of those cherry woods-- -See?

It--well, he got it fairly even this time.

Don't you think?

-Well, I don't know.

There's a big hunk of it-- -Oh, enough of this.

-[Laban laughs] -I'm gonna do a seafood salad.

And it's a real simple salad.

Simple salad-- -Simple salad.

-went to the fair.

-Simple salad says-- -Says-- -Read the recipe.

-And was sent in by Mrs. Jesse Kehol of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

I hope I said it-- how would you pronounce that?

Is it Kehol?

-Kehol.

-Kehol, all right.

And yours was sent in by?

-And mine was sent in by Linda Hall of Coeburn, Virginia.

That's out in the coal fields.

And Linda, we're gonna do your green bean Caesar right here on Cookin' Cheap .

-All righty.

All right, you're gonna do yours first?

-Yeah.

Let me just start here and then I'll display-- this is an extremely easy recipe.

You start off with a pound and a half of green beans.

-Did you snap those from your garden?

-No, are you crazy?

When we're taping this show, there's been a big freeze in FLA., and we can't get decent green beans here on the East Coast right now.

They don't look good.

-LARRY: Oh, that's true.

-So I used frozen ones, and I cooked 'em.

And you just put 'em in-- you don't have to grease the bowl or anything.

You just turn 'em out into a bowl.

LARRY: Oh.

Aren't they pretty?

They look like real beans.

-Well, they do.

But you could use fresh ones, or you could use canned ones, for those of you that are not adverse to using a canned vegetable.

There's nothing wrong with 'em.

So, the green ones just happened to be cheap today.

So, you start with that, and then we're going to add to it, two tablespoons of salad oil.

You remember salad oil, don't you?

-LARRY: I remember her.

-All right.

Here is one, and just sprinkle that around.

Two, and that's-- -You know what we used to say?

-What'd you used to say?

-Lay down, salad.

[chuckles] -Salad.

And now I'm gonna use wine-- you can use any kind of vinegar.

I'm gonna use-- -LARRY: What kind you gonna use?

-Some wine vinegar.

-LARRY: Oh.

-And I'm gonna put in one tablespoonful of the wine vinegar and just sprinkle it all around.

-Ooo, that already sounds... -Oh, it is.

-LARRY: ...wonderful.

-So, that's all I'm gonna do right now.

I'm gonna shake it around and I'm gonna put in some seasoning.

So, show people what you're doing.

Oh, you're doing such a good job cutting up those peppers.

-Well, this seafood salad looks to be quite simple, and also, it looks to be quite delicious.

So, the first thing I'm doing is I'm taking a green pepper-- a lady stopped me at a store yesterday and just laid me out, while I'm holding a huge piece of furniture, trying to-- I got 70 percent off at a going-out-of-business sale.

Stopped me, I'm holding a piece of glass this big, stopped me and laid me out because we don't leave the recipes up long enough.

And you know what I said?

I said, "Well, you know, we do the best we can, ma'am."

-Yes.

-"And if you'll just get out of my way, I'd like to get to my car."

[chuckles] No, I didn't say that.

I was very nice to her.

I thought I was exceptionally nice considering-- -Ninety-eight percent of the people we talk to are just as nice as they can be.

-Oh, they really are.

-And the other two percent are [indistinct].

[chuckles] -Well, she didn't mean it in a bad way.

So anyway, just some plain old bell pepper here.

Just chop it up, and chop it up fairly fine into nice little pieces.

I have actually taken the time to do a nice job of it because you don't want real big pieces for this salad; it'll just get in the way.

So, anyway, that's more than enough, actually.

It only calls for a quarter of a cup of green peppers.

That'll be just about enough.

Also calls for a couple of-- one tablespoon of diced onion.

So, that's not very much and I'm just going to cut a little bit of that up right now, too.

I notice my fingernails have gotten pretty long.

I need to chop those things back a little bit.

Anyway, that would be about enough, and chop that up real fine.

Johnson, what do you got?

-Well, now we come to a problem in the recipe.

-LARRY: Oh, no.

-Yes, it's true.

Linda says use a tablespoon of instant minced onion.

Well, I've got-- I had it on hand, but she didn't say whether to reconstitute it or if the recipe would soak it up.

She didn't say anything about it, so I'm gonna put 'em in, just dry like they are, and instead of trying to soak 'em in water for a little while.

I suspect you could do it that way if you wanted to, but it didn't say.

-Well, let me ask you this.

What would you do if you were doing it at home instead of in the studio?

-I'd experiment.

-Oh, okay.

Well, see, that's what-- you gotta keep that in mind.

-So-- and I cooked one of these already at home a little while ago, so we'll find out if it's any good.

-LARRY: All right.

I also need to chop up a little celery.

You know how irritated people get 'cause we spend so much time chopping on this program.

But ladies and gentlemen, as we always explain, if we didn't take time to chop, the show would last about two and a half minutes.

So, I have to chop some celery.

I have to dice up about a half a cup of celery.

I'm gonna do that right now, and I washed it all off a few seconds ago.

This was the filthiest celery I've ever seen in my life.

So I'm gonna go do that real fine... -LABAN: Now, I'm-- -...and then I'm gonna chop that from there.

Go ahead.

-LABAN: I'm-- [chuckles] -LARRY: Sorry.

I got in your camera space, didn't I?

[chuckles] -It's okay.

Oh.

I am adding a quarter of a teaspoon of salt.

The ones that we'll eat on the air today because of my heart are made with salt substitute.

And now we're just to have an eighth of a teaspoon of pepper.

-You know, there's nothing wrong with my heart that I know of, but I really do believe that as a result of the last two or three seasons of eating your food, I think that my heart is better than it was when I started this show.

-LABAN: Well, I'm so glad.

-I'm really happy to say it's really healthy.

-Well, we do try.

I get-- matter of fact, a woman came up to me today in the store-- -[Larry laughs] -and said-- it's true, people talk-- it's all right.

LARRY: They talk to us like we're their old friends.

-We enjoy it.

She inquired about my health and started telling me what a hard time she was having.

She had a lot of problems.

And we commiserated with one another and found out many of the same things we had all found out, that, you know, with sugar-- -That too much drinkin' isn't good for you?

-Well, no.

-LARRY: Oh.

-But this was a very fine, upstanding woman.

I'm sure she would never partake of the fruit of the vine.

But in any event-- or the fruit of the field in the matter of corn-- -[Larry chuckles] -But she was-- she was real nice.

-LARRY: Fruit of the field?

-We noticed that, you know, if you put a-- if you get a no-fat product, a lot of times, they'll ooch up the sugar and the salt.

LARRY: They'll what?

They'll what?

-They'll ooch it up a little bit.

-LARRY: Ooch it up.

-Uh-huh.

-Is that a southern term, ooch?

-Yeah, ooch.

-Yeah.

I grew up in the South, I never heard that one.

-Well, anyway, they'll ooch it up a little bit and it'll have extra salt and sugar.

So, you gotta read those labels, that's why they made 'em easy to do it.

And enough said for the-- now I've got my oil, my vinegar, and my salt and pepper and my instant minced onions in here, and now I have to put in a clove of garlic that has been squashed.

-Into an inch of its life.

Do you need a knife for that?

-No, no, no.

I'm all right.

-Our lovely assistant Doris has gone running down the hallway to find one for you.

-Well, that's all right.

Just put the garlic in and they're squashed.

And now, I'm gonna stir all of this up a little bit... so that it takes up the flavors.

And just toss it around-- -Well, it looks interesting.

-Well, it does.

And it smells interesting.

-LARRY: Looks fascinating.

-So, just rub it around.

You know, just kind of roll that garlic through there and it'll take up the flavor and everything.

So we're in good shape.

All right, there it is.

Now I've got to make a topping for it, and I'll do that in a minute, Larry, or do we want to risk it and see if the Cookers will come in here now for a minute?

-Let's have the Cook Sisters come out.

And when we get back, I'll review recipes and I'll start putting this thing together.

I have to assemble mine yet.

The grand assemblage will be momentarily.

-Right, yes.

And here comes that dynamic duo, Sister and Tootsie Cook, the Cook Sisters.

TOOTSIE: Oh, sis.

Your skin is getting so dry.

Oh, and you know what that-- what cause that is?

SISTER: Yeah, they don't make lard like they used to.

[laughs] -TOOTSIE: [chuckles] Well, that's not exactly what I had in mind, but you're right about that.

We've let the air in the house get too dry, and you shouldn't do that.

It's not a good idea.

You ought to have some boiling water on the stove, or maybe some bowls of water setting around.

SISTER: Oh, we can leave the you-know-what lid open.

[laughs] TOOTSIE: Well, I never thought of that.

-I'm Sister Cook.

-And I'm Tootsie Cook.

-And we're the Cook Sisters.

-Okay.

I have-- aren't they wonderful.

I have to now take some shrimp-- and I got the small ones that are already thawed and deveined.

You can get fresh ones and save a little money, but I just didn't have time to save money.

So, anyway, I'm gonna chop this up a little bit.

It does need to be chopped.

And if you can get the little miniature popcorn ones-- I guess they're available, I have no idea.

Can you buy the popcorn ones?

-LABAN: Yeah.

Sure you can.

-LARRY: I reckon you can.

-That'd even be cheaper.

-LARRY: That would even be cheaper still, because the smaller they are, the more money you save on 'em.

There was not much cheap about these.

This is the most expensive part probably in the entire recipe.

So, I'm gonna chop on those for a few minutes and I have a whole package of 'em that have been thawed.

They're really pretty.

And there were some people just-- -What size package was that?

-These-- well, about half a pound, I think, or so.

-Let me [indistinct]-- -So, anyway.

And I'm gonna continue chopping on those.

-Twelve ounces.

-Twelve ounces, okay.

I'm gonna tell you what's in mine right now, while I'm chopping.

This will save a little time.

The Seafood Salad.

A package of crab meat, a package of small shrimp or medium shrimp cut in pieces, mayonnaise or salad dressing.

I'll be using a little salad dressing because it's not quite as caloric and a little bit easier on Mr. Johnson and myself, too.

Half a cup of diced celery, quarter cup of green peppers, tablespoon of diced onion, and we'll put a little salt and pepper to taste.

Mr. Johnson?

-Okay.

Now, I'm going to make a topping to go on the beans before they bake in the oven.

And I've got a tablespoon of softened margarine in here, and to that I'm going to add two tablespoons of dry breadcrumbs.

So, there's one, there's two.

And two tablespoons of grated parmesan, preferably one that is actually grated and in a plastic bag rather than a cardboard box.

The flavor really does tend to be a lot better when you have it that way.

Now, let me see if I can get into this-- oh, this is a complicated one.

How did I do this?

Don't you just-- I can't.

There we go.

LARRY: There seems to be a lull in the program.

-Well, you know, it's one of those things where they got a bag that's sealed so well you can't get into it.

I really do feel sorry for some of our elderly viewers that have a hard time getting into stuff, 'cause I know I am.

Two tablespoonsful of shredded parmesan cheese.

I'll put this over here.

And now, we're just going to mix all that together until it forms crumbles.

So, I'm doing that-- Larry, why don't you go through your recipe and then we'll bring Aunt Doris in.

-[chuckles] Well, Laban.

Funny you would mention that 'cause I just did it.

-Oh, you did?

-[chuckles] But you have-- -Now, wait a minute.

You went through every ingredient?

-I certainly did.

Let me assemble-- -Oh, well, let me do mine.

-All right.

-The Green Beans Caesar.

-[Larry chuckles] -[laughs] Pound and a half of fresh green beans.

I'm sorry, folks.

I'm just a little discombobulated.

Two tablespoons of salad oil, a tablespoon of vinegar, a tablespoon of instant minced onion, a quarter teaspoon of salt, a clove of garlic, crushed, one-eighth teaspoon black pepper, two tablespoons of dry bread crumbs, two tablespoons of grated parmesan cheese and a tablespoon of butter or margarine and some paprika to come.

-LARRY: Okay.

I'm gonna assemble mine right now.

It will only take a couple of seconds.

I've chopped everything.

The shrimp and the diced celery and the onions and the green peppers, and I'm now gonna take all of 'em, we're gonna put it all into a nice big bowl.

Oh, it's a pretty salad, too.

And it's also going pretty much all over everything.

It all goes in there, there we go.

And then also, we will put into that a package of crab meat.

LABAN: How big a package is that?

-Well, a package is one of those cans.

-LABAN: Oh, okay.

-You can get a bigger one.

And then, to that, we will then add some salt and pepper.

A little salt and pepper to taste.

Not an awful lot, we don't need to overdo it.

And I'll probably add a little more pepper to it in just a little bit.

And a little bit of salad dressing goes in there, and you just have to play this one by ear and just mix it around until it has a nice consistency to it.

And that-- then you chill it for a little while before you serve it because it will just be lovely.

Why don't we have-- are you ready to [indistinct]?

-Yeah.

We better bring Doris because she threw that fork down on the floor a minute ago.

LARRY: She did?

-So that she would get our attention.

While Doris is explaining her recipe too, I'm gonna put this topping on the green beans.

So, Doris.

-Well, isn't that pretty?

What is that?

-DORIS: Okay.

My recipe is from-- -You didn't say hello.

DORIS: Oh, yes.

I know I should say hello to everyone 'cause everyone says hello to me, and I'm real happy with that.

And you guys might complain, but I'm happy when people stop me in the store and say hello.

-We never complain.

All right.

Hit it.

DORIS: Anyway, it's from Sue Fisher from Philadelphia in Pennsylvania, and it's a Chicken Meatloaf.

-You know, you sound just like yourself on mic.

DORIS: [laughs] I hope so.

Well, anyway, I couldn't find ground chicken, so-- nobody's got a light on here.

You know, they tell me to look at the camera.

One time I'm looking there-- -LARRY: Just show 'em your food.

-DORIS: Okay.

-[Larry chuckles] Just get to it here.

-DORIS: Okay.

I've got time.

And my horoscope said for me to really play up, build myself up, and I'm building myself up here.

[laughs] -Oh, we're gonna be out of a show here in a couple of minutes.

DORIS: But anyway, I couldn't find ground chicken, so we bought the breast of chicken on sale and ground it up ourselves to do this, and I think it's a lot-- -You went to all that trouble for this show?

-DORIS: Yes, and it's a lot cheaper, and you know what's in it.

-Well, that is true.

DORIS: You don't know what's in that other stuff.

[laughs] -[Larry laughs] DORIS: And it's got a lot of stuff.

It's got two pounds of ground chicken, an envelope of onion soup mix, two eggs beaten, and I used the Egg Beaters this time so that... -LARRY: Good for you.

-DORIS: ...Laban can eat it.

Four slices of white bread, soaked in water and squeezed out.

Eight tablespoons of Italian breadcrumbs, two tablespoons of mayonnaise, four tablespoons of ketchup, four tablespoons Dijon mustard, two tablespoons of steak sauce, two tablespoons of white wine, one small onion grated, four garlic cloves, minced.

-And a partridge in a pear tree.

DORIS: And then you put some ketchup on top and some more breadcrumbs, and I felt like, by the time I got done with that, it didn't matter if I found the chicken or not.

-[Laban laughs] -DORIS: I probably coulda used turkey and nobody was gonna know the difference.

-I'll be honest with you, Doris.

Doris, I'll be honest with you.

It wears me out just hearing about it.

[chuckles] -DORIS: And just bake-- put it together and bake it for 45 minutes, and I would suggest putting it in maybe a loaf pan because it's hard to shape.

It was very soupy, and I let it set for a little while to absorb the breadcrumbs so I could shape it.

Because otherwise-- -It does have a beautiful shape to it.

-DORIS: But I think if you put it in a cake-- -A loaf pan.

DORIS: A loaf pan, then when you turn it out, you would have something nice.

-A wonderful job as always.

DORIS: Thank you.

LABAN: We look forward to digging into it.

-Go ahead, Laban.

-All right.

Let me sprinkle a little paprika now here on the top.

I have no earthly idea what this paprika is gonna do.

This is a mild one as opposed to a hot one, so it's not gonna add a whole lot of flavor.

But there is the paprika.

And Larry, I baked one ahead of time, and here it is.

-Well, why don't you tell us what's in yours, Laban?

[laughs] -It's-- I've already done it.

You're paying me back.

Oh, you dog.

Dog of dogs.

-LARRY: Well, that's pretty.

-Yes, it is.

It's real lovely.

It might have stayed in the oven-- you really only need to heat it through, so that's maybe 15 minutes, 20 minutes, and this was in a little longer than I wanted.

But I think I'm ready to take it over to the table.

-Well, speaking of pretty, I want you to see this because this really is also-- this is a very pretty salad.

You may wanna top it with a little something.

That's not real pretty around the edge because I mixed it in that bowl.

I would transfer it to something else, prettify it all up, you understand, and make it look lovely.

But it is very pretty and put that in the refrigerator and chill it.

You might wanna put a little parsley on top or something like that.

So, there you go.

That's the Seafood Salad.

Sorry, just took that thing and snapped it right across there, right out from in front of the camera.

-[Laban chuckles] -And here we are in our lovely little... -LABAN: Dining room.

-...dining room area.

Oh, it looks nice.

You have all the utensils over there for serving up-- where should I put that?

-I'll serve the loaf here, and you serve some of your salad.

LARRY: Oh, thank you.

-I want to give you a big piece of chicken-- LARRY: You didn't give yourself any beans, so-- -Well, I'm going to.

-LARRY: Well, let me help you.

Here you are.

The serving goes on and on and on.

It smells great, all of it.

-Yes, it does.

Lovely.

-Smells wonderful.

-Thank you so much.

-I think that I would not normally serve seafood salad with chicken, but that's okay.

It won't hurt a thing on this show.

Anything-- -LABAN: Oh!

-I thought he was gonna knock over the flower arrangement there for a-- -I know.

-We have a lovely floral tribute to Ms. Doris today from a friend.

Isn't that pretty?

-LABAN: Mm-hmm.

-It's a dear friend of hers who wanted to make sure that she was treated properly on the program for a change today.

We appreciate that.

Well, this certainly smells great.

What have you tried?

-Your salad.

-LARRY: And?

-Not bad.

It's really good.

-LARRY: Absolutely.

If it had set up for the night, it would have been even better, probably.

Let me try the green beans here.

They're pretty good.

-How are the onions?

LARRY: They're all right.

-Should they have been-- -Well, they're not overpowering, and...

I don't know.

I can't give you an answer.

I just don't know what to say about it.

I think they're okay.

But once in a while, you hit one of those little things and it-- -You get a little, like, burst of flavor.

-Yeah, yeah.

Like you won't be able-- I won't be able to be smooching up on anybody for the rest of the day.

Hm, now what's this chicken stuff?

-This is chicken loaf.

Just like a meatloaf except it's-- -Doris, you did wonderful.

-This is really good.

-LARRY: Just wonderful.

-All these recipes are tasty, full of flavor.

-LARRY: Mm-mm-mm.

And we always like for people to send their recipes to us from all around America.

I haven't tried the seafood thing yet.

Hm, I like that.

That's wonderful.

Let me taste it again just to make sure.

Can you tell we're stretching a little here?

-Well, you know, sometimes you have to do that.

-You have to do that.

Even in your kitchen at home.

You're not used to doing things in a given amount of time.

-Right.

Now, you'll find a way to send the recipes to us by looking at the end of the show.

And please send 'em in because we love to get 'em and see what you're cooking.

And remember, you don't have to send in one that came off the box or the bag two weeks ago.

Even though Grandma's old recipe may indeed have originally come from a bag or a box... -LARRY: You know, that is true.

We have-- -...it's a tradition of American cooking.

LARRY: We have discovered that down through the years that people send us their grandmother's recipes and we find out they came off of a can somewhere.

Grandma was a bird, I'll tell you.

-Right.

Back in the late 1800s or early 1900s, but it's true.

-Right after they started making cans, of course.

-Right.

But send it to us and we'll look at it, and if we can fit it in, we'll do it right here on Cookin' Cheap .

-Some of our recipes were so old, they were actually written on the side of rocks, we've discovered.

But anyway-- well, I think this is a good round of recipes.

-Excellent.

-So anyway, Mr. Johnson, my best to you, and have a nice day.

And come back again some time.

[chuckles] -I already plan to do that.

I don't have to be wished it.

[music fades out]