[???]

-Howdy.

-Good to see you again.

-Huh?

-Huh?

-[laughs] -Oh, these are our fine new soup ladles.

-Fancy stuff.

-No, they are actually our spoon rests.

Rest is - -Yeah, well.

Let it rest.

-Well, we're glad to see everybody again.

This is Cookin' Cheap , the show that is not pretentious.

We try to be witty and funny.

-[laughs] Don't say that.

-We are not chefs.

Please quit writing and tell us about how to do stuff.

We know, but we do it the way we want to.

-Well, we try.

Goodness knows we try.

I'm just grateful that for one of the few times in our entire 16-year history that we're doing - we're doing this when I have a good tan.

[laughs] -I know, oh, no.

Well, you know, we haven't been around for a while because I've been sick.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Well, you still look a little pasty.

-Well, I am, and I've lost weight.

-Especially compared to me and my lovely skin color.

-Oh, let me do the Three Stooges move on you.

No, I have had several terrible things go wrong with me.

We won't go through the catalog, but it did include things like a slipped disc in my neck, and then I had cataracts in both eyes - -Two.

Three.

-and a stroke.

And finally - -Heart attack, four.

-a major league heart attack.

-Five.

-So, that's enough.

-Okay.

-Well, I sat around for four days, and didn't know I had it.

-Bless your heart.

-And it fried my heart just like Bly is going to do this beef in a minute.

-[laughs] -But anyway, we're back, we're healthy, we're okay.

And I'm not dead yet.

-And pretty much like I did my brain years ago.

-Yeah, let's put our - -We're today doing a Southern meal.

-Oh, wait a minute.

-And the reason for that of course is - -Yes.

-We are after all in the Star City of the South, ladies and gentlemen.

-Uh-huh.

-Is this incredibly tacky or what?

But it is wonderful.

-Yes, it is.

-I love it myself.

-And it does keep the light off your eyes, and we look like one of those country music stars.

You know, like Dwight Yoakam or somebody.

-And the great thing is, you know, when we get finished, we can wipe up the sink with it.

-Uh-huh.

-Because it's [indistinct].

-Yeah.

But you know, we got a letter - -The Mayor gave us this.

-Yes, the Mayor of our city in Roanoke, Virginia here, gave us this.

He's a wonderful man - Mayor David A. Bowers.

And God love him for giving us these hats.

And they are - -And it's ruined my hair for the rest of the show.

-Yeah, and they're sort of indicative of David's character.

But anyway, we got - Miss Witch - -Excuse me.

-would you fly in here, please, while Larry is fixing his hair.

-[laughs] She bounced off of my equipment.

-Uh-huh.

-Now, be careful.

-And this is a letter that came in to us to get us to do this.

Would you read that because I don't have my reading specs on?

-I don't either.

-Oh, [indistinct].

-Do a Southern meal - oh, do a Southern meal.

-Yeah.

-I thought it was "do" a Southern meal.

-Do a Southern meal.

-[laughs] We live in New Hampshire and want to know how y'all eat.

Uh, what is that?

-It's - [both] Juanita Yankee.

-Loudmouth, New Hampshire.

Well, how about that?

Well, we're gonna - we're gonna do that.

-Yup.

-We're gonna do that.

Only time I ever came on with my hair combed and I messed it up already, but what can you do?

No, don't get a close up, [indistinct].

Please, don't do that.

-Yeah, it's just real pretty.

-I have to - I'm gonna do a Southern Oriental dish.

Southern Oriental, ha-ha.

I don't know why that tickles me, but it does.

And I have to start out 'cause I - -Who sent it in to?

-Oh, it's sent in by the very lovely Ann Francis of - have you ever heard of this place, Nathalie, Virginia?

-Uh-uh.

-Nathalie, Virginia?

-I don't know.

-Nathalie, Virginia?

-We'll have somebody in the back that knows how to say it.

-I don't know, I've never heard of it.

-Ann Francis.

-Ann Francis.

-I know an Ann Francis in where we are in Roanoke.

-She's a good person.

I had another half of this and I know it's under the seat of my new car.

-[Laban] Oh!

-That's what happens every time.

-It's melting, melting, melting.

-Yes, it is.

I'm gonna throw that in there and heat that up.

I'm using margarine rather than butter.

It calls for either one, it doesn't matter.

And you need to heat it up real good.

And the only other thing I'm going to do right at the moment while that's heating is I have some beef, and this is stew beef.

-Mm-hm.

-And because stew beef is - -I knew him.

He lived over on 13th Street.

-Stew Beef, he was a good man, he really was.

And he used to play the piano, as I recall.

But anyway, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna chop this up a little bit because I think these pieces are unconscionably large.

-They are.

For those that are, uh, toothfully challenged, it's real hard.

If you got a plate, you just can't handle a bigger piece of - -So, I'm just gonna - I'm gonna cut these in smaller pieces.

-Uh-huh.

-What I'm gonna do.

And that's all I'm gonna do for a while, so you just have a good time.

Go at it, Mr. Johnson, one time.

-Oh, all right.

Well, this recipe is a pie.

All of us in the South are just famous for loving pies, and we do.

But this one, I wanted to do because it's so peculiar.

It's called a Karo - it's a syrup pie, syrup pie.

You could use Karo, you could use any other cane syrup or honey.

We're gonna use honey today.

And it doesn't have any list of - it's got a list of ingredients, but it says, "Do it the way you want to, just like Grandma used to do."

So, lawsy, we're gonna try but we have no idea how this thing's gonna come out.

-Grandma used to get down the store and buy them, as I remember it.

[laughs] -Uh-huh.

Now, we're going to make a paste out of the ingredients at hand which is breadcrumbs - and please don't use the Italian ones.

Use the plain ones.

And you can make them yourself if you're real cheap and smart.

And a lot of people have gotten on to doing that.

You just let them dry out a little bit and you put them in the oven for just a tiniest little bit of time at low heat, and they'll dry out, and then you can run them through your processor.

Or if you got a little child at home, they can - with their little tiny, teeny, teeny fingers, just crunch them up, and that way, they can get all of their - kind of their anger out.

-By the way, I need - before I forget it, and I know I'm going to - I need to put on some rice.

-Oh, all right.

-I'm going to - I have some water boiling.

-Well, are you going to use that real sticky kind that will stick to your skin and look so good on you like a woolly shirt?

-[laughs] Yeah, I put that stuff in.

I'm using a little of this - a little Success rice today.

-All right.

-'Cause it's so easy to take on the road with you.

-It is.

Just throw it down in there.

Now, I've got some - I haven't measured this but that looks like about a cup and a half of breadcrumbs down in here.

And to that, I'm gonna add some nutmeg and we don't grate it around here too often 'cause we keep losing it or the mice eat it at night.

And nutmeg is a real strong spice, so don't use, you know, just tons of it.

It'll overpower everything you're cooking.

But I'm putting in a couple of pinches worth of nutmeg.

And for those of you that don't cook all the time, a pinch is just like put some in your hand and pinch it and throw it down in there.

That's what a pinch is.

And you get some lemon peel and just take your old grater and grate some peel off the lemon.

-People see me getting close to this Teflon surface with this knife.

I'll be getting letters, I know I will, but I've had this - Tootsie gave me this electric frying pan.

And Johnson, haven't you and I been on the road.

-We have used that - -Hundreds of times.

-All over this country.

-This thing, this frying pan has just logged thousands of miles.

-And you just keep on doing it down in here.

Now, this recipe that I'm doing, this syrup recipe, it is not for you that have diabetes.

Mm-mm.

And I've been cooking a lot with artificial sugar of various brands and kinds.

But this, you just have to have the sugar in it so I will only have a taste of it at the end of the show because I don't want it to affect my health, sight, vision or any of the other problems, feet and all that stuff.

And it's a shame.

We're gonna do some recipes this year where we can throw some non-sugar stuff into it and make it real good, but not today.

-Okay.

I've got my beef on now.

Oh, there's that wad of stuff I was looking for.

Well, no, that's the one I cut it from.

Well, I don't know.

-That's - [laughs] I guarantee, it's in your car and will be melted.

-You see it when you see it [indistinct].

Yeah, about six months from now, I'll be going down the highway wondering what's going on in my car.

All right, now I've got this turned up way up on high.

It's up to about 2,000 degrees now.

And we're gonna start cooking that and the first thing you do is you add the onions.

And this actually calls for two tablespoons of dried, chopped onions.

So, that's what I got.

-Well, Larry, they've cleaned this kitchen up right smart.

-Oh, is that so?

-Uh-huh.

Well, you know, it was used for several other shows while we were gone.

I think they did one of those home shows where, you know, they put cabinets up.

-[Larry] Uh-huh.

-And all that stuff, so - -Woo, doesn't that smell good?

-[Laban] Yes, it does.

-Who could argue with that?

Now, you got to fry that for about five or 10 minutes or until it's brown.

So, there's all I can do for the moment.

-All right.

Now, I've got my lemon peel in with my breadcrumbs.

And that's the grated peel of a lemon.

You could put more if you wanted to.

-It smells good.

-Yes, it does.

And now, I'm gonna make a paste out of it with some honey.

And that will form the body of our pie.

Doesn't it sound kind of - the body of our pie.

It sounds like a religious ritual.

-Well, I've gotten grease all over my recipe already and I haven't been here three minutes.

I'm gonna be adding soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, garlic powder and meat tenderizer - I think that's right interesting - and pepper.

I guess that's the Southern part of this, don't you think?

-Sure, it is.

Sure, it is.

-The meat tenderizer part.

-Oh, I have so many things to mix with.

-I don't get it.

-All these little spoons.

Doris has just outdone herself.

-She has.

She's rustled up all of these fine dishes for us and you'll be seeing some of them later on.

She'll be in here a little bit also.

We've had a lot of people asking if she's been sick.

-And she hasn't.

She's been sick and tired [indistinct].

-She is the only one that hasn't been sick in this whole bunch, except for me, and my health is fine.

-But - -My life isn't too fine but my health has been real good.

-No, his health is fine.

He is robust.

-[laughs] Oh, I can't do that.

-As opposed to ro-gut.

-Ten minutes on that rice.

-All right, maybe you ought to go over all those ingredients in case anybody is cooking with us at home.

-All right, Southern Oriental by Ann Francis.

A half a stick of butter or margarine, three to four pounds of stew beef, that's not quite three to four pounds but I'm just fixing what I want to here.

Half a cup of reduced soy sauce, reduced sodium soy sauce.

A quarter of a teaspoon of seasoned meat tenderizer, half a cup of Worcestershire sauce, a tablespoon of garlic powder, two tablespoons of dried, chopped onion, pepper to taste, and cooked noodles or rice - I'm doing rice today.

-You know, Bly, your recipe sounds great.

-It smells good, too.

-And I'm glad you're using that low sodium soy sauce.

-Uh-huh.

-You know, most people don't realize how salty soy sauce is.

Can you say that real fast?

-Salty soy sauce is?

-Right, uh-huh.

And it is terribly salty, but you can get a low sodium variety of it that's quite good, so look for that.

And I'm just stirring this stuff; I've added some more honey.

I guess - what have I put in there, Doris, maybe a cup and a half of honey?

I'm not measuring because it said don't do it, but I'm trying to make this paste.

-Now that looks good.

-Well, it does.

-Isn't it pretty?

And it goes with the bowl.

Have you noticed it?

It goes perfectly with the bowl.

-These bowls are - -All the colors and everything.

[Laban] --are from our friends down in Bedford, Virginia at the Emerson Creek Pottery.

And they have given us a lot of fine dishes to use this year on the air, so that we don't look too terribly trashy.

It's okay to look tacky but you don't want to look trashy.

All right, now, I think I might - -What are we gonna do about us?

-I'm just - -[Doris] Yeah, really.

-[Larry] Hey, you.

-I'm just thinking maybe I want to put - -It's already started, Johnson.

She's already started.

-She's over there nailing us again.

-We haven't been here 15 minutes, or at least I don't think we have.

And she's already started with her little snappy remarks off to the side.

-You know, when I was laying there nearly dead in the hospital, I kept seeing this - -She came in and hit you, remember that?

Smacked you.

-Oh, yes.

She dressed up like a nurse and came in and smacked me.

-And came in and smacked you upside the head.

-Oh, it was terrible.

-I'll never forget, it was terrible.

-They were just horrified.

We had to put a sign up on the door to keep everybody out so I would not be noodged.

Oh, this lemon smells so good.

Lemon is just wonderful.

I guess, if you wanted to, and I don't right now, you could actually squeeze these bad boys and put the lemon juice in this pie, too.

But I want to tell you, the essence of the lemon taste and smell is in the oil that's in here.

So, I'm just keeping away at that.

While we're talking about her so much, why don't we bring in the Queen of Backstage at Cookin' Cheap , the hardest working woman in show business, the lovely and ever popular, Doris Ford.

-Okay.

That sounds like - -Doris has made something up.

-Doris, just step right over here.

Don't be shy.

-[Doris] I'm not.

-Let me move these - -Can you find a place to put - -[indistinct] out of the way.

-Oh, look at this.

This is a beautiful corn pudding she has made up here.

[Doris] This corn pudding is from Diane Anderson from Waynesboro, Virginia, up near Charlottesville.

-That's near my neck of the woods, you know.

[Doris] And it's very, very simple to make.

You just whip together sugar and six eggs, and you mix them and then just add your corn, creamed corn, whole corn and then put a little nutmeg on top and some butter and bake it in the oven for about an hour.

It takes a half a cup of sugar and that to me, might be a little too sweet.

I don't like sweet.

But I guess Southerners like sweet, right?

-Oh, we like sweet.

That's why we have Miss Doris around.

-Doris, what can we do with this to make it safe for me to eat?

We could use Eggbeaters or something, couldn't we?

[Doris] I could probably, yeah.

Because it has six eggs in it and when I make it at home, I use - -Six eggs?

-Yes, six eggs.

And when I make it at home, make my own, I use what I call fakey eggs.

-Six eggs.

-Yeah, right.

-I don't think Johnson ought to be eating this.

Six eggs.

[Doris] Six eggs, and this'll kill him too, a half a cup of sugar.

And you said that you can get this new - -Yeah, you can use - there's a relatively new product out now that you actually can use and bake with, that measures out the same for sugar.

So, you could use that and - or not the same as sugar, but close to it.

It will tell you on the box about it.

[Doris] And you could - and there's no salt or anything in it, so you could adjust it for somebody that's not well.

-Yeah.

So, you just have to experiment, folks.

And that's what this show is all about.

And actually, Southern cuisine is that you know, if you taste something that tastes good, it might taste better with peanut butter on it or something like that.

-I gotta do something over here or you're gonna give your recipe?

[Doris] No.

Well, am I supposed to?

-Well, my beef is burning.

-[Doris] Is this something that we're supposed to do now, put the recipe and say it as you go along?

-If you want to, go ahead and do it.

-Being that you brought it up.

-Yeah.

[Doris] I didn't, you did.

A half a cup of sugar, six eggs, one can evaporated milk, two cans corn - one cream style, one whole kernel, a dab of nutmeg and a dab of butter on top and bake it for an hour at 350.

-And you can use the evaporated skim milk in here, too.

So, there's all kinds of ways you can do it to make it come out to suit you.

-I need to add some stuff.

-Okay, go ahead.

-Half a cup of soy sauce at this point goes, 'cause this beef is perfectly - oh, I'll just put a little bit more.

This beef is perfectly brown at this point.

And half a cup of Worcestershire sauce goes in at this point.

So, we'll put some of that in there.

Oh, dear.

The hole has sealed up and it won't come out.

A half a cup, that's an awful lot, isn't it.

-Uh-hm.

-That will go on that.

And at this point, you put your meat tenderizer and your garlic powder in there too, which is a teaspoon of seasoned meat tenderizer - that's a tablespoon.

That's a quarter of a - well, one, two-- -Oh.

-[Larry] --three, four?

That should be more than enough.

-I think that's more - -And then, a tablespoon of garlic powder.

Boy, that's a lot of garlic powder, too.

I think I'm gonna go just a little light on that.

-Oh, I think so.

You might offend somebody as the evening goes on if you put that much in it.

-All right, and now, what you gotta do is cook this stuff down.

That's why I needed to get it in there, so it has a chance to sort of thicken up just a wee little bit.

Mr. Johnson, it's all yours.

-Have you noticed something?

I've been watching while I've been sick, a lot of other shows on TV - -Well, now that's your first problem right there.

-and some of those high-priced shows will say, "And you put in this much garlic," and they show it's all - I know that's canned garlic, that it's jarred garlic.

They have not been around.

They're cutting that garlic up into all those little things.

And actually, it is better to use that than the garlic powder, but if that's what the recipe calls for, that's what it calls for.

Do it that way first time, then the next time you do it yourself.

-She never forgets anything.

-Oh, Doris brought the - -Doris brought the breath savers, ladies and gentlemen.

-Oh, good for her.

-[Larry laughs] -But can she do anything about the gas that will appear later on.

-[laughs] I'm gonna add a little pepper also at this point.

And remember, you don't need to add any salt to this by any stretch of imagination.

And now, we just got to let it caramelize and thicken up.

-While you're doing that, I'm gonna put the pie crust on for this pie.

And not being like Miss Nathalie Dupree who makes, you know, her own crust, we're just using the boxed, fresh kind and it is just fine.

You're supposed to flour the bottom of it a little bit, but I didn't bring the flour, so that's okay.

And I gotta tell you, when you're putting it down in your pan, don't just push it in there.

Try and lift it up and help it down in there 'cause if you stretch it too much, it won't do right while it's cooking.

-Do right?

-Do right.

-Do you remember Dudley?

-Dudley Do-Right.

-What will it do, pucker up?

-Yeah, it won't do right.

-Oh, do right.

-And then, you wanna go along and put your crust down a little bit like that.

And I'm gonna show you how Grandma taught me to do pie crust later on and make it look pretty.

So now, I'm going to put all of this - oh.

-That is really thick.

Looks like Mount Vesuvius or one of those mounts.

-Well, I haven't cut the one we brought in today, but we'll see.

Doris is saying "Right" over there.

Oh, look at this.

Anyway, you put it - oh, there's still tons of it in here.

Holy cow, I might have another heart attack just holding this bowl up this long.

There we go.

-And it's just the right amount, Johnson.

-Hm-mm.

Came out real good.

-I haven't been here in so long I forgot where the paper towels were.

I'm running around trying to find stuff today.

-Oh, let me just scrape that on down in there.

I hope this is good.

-Ooh-wee.

I'm gonna cut this off because it has finally reached a nice - I don't know whether you can see that or not, a real nice, thick consistency.

See?

Almost like a gravy.

It's just real pretty.

In a couple of minutes, we'll do something else with it.

-Now, I'm gonna put the other crust on top of this.

Be sure you let these things warm up a little bit.

'Cause if they're real cold, they'll break or tear sometimes.

Now, I'm gonna put it on like this.

-I'm draining my rice.

-All right, now, you now have your pie, and you wanna do your crust real neat.

So, you can do it any number of ways but the way I do it is like this.

Just put your thumbs together and around the edge and squeeze it.

-Put your hands together and everybody clap.

-Hm-mm.

Oh, no.

Don't talk about the Hokey Pokey.

We'll get in trouble because it is of dubious origin.

-I don't know whether you've all noticed this or not, but back on the sink, they have installed a new device.

It's just wonderful.

It is a rice holder.

Your hand is in the way, Johnson.

Your hand's in the way.

It's a rice holder.

-I'm trying, I'm trying.

-Isn't that just clever.

That is completely - -Oh, how nice.

Off our water freshener.

Now, I'm still mashing this.

You see, you just put them on the edge and you kind of feel the edge of the pie plate and push together.

-I need some scissors.

-This is called the thumbprint style.

-Oh, here's a knife.

"Here's a knife," she says.

"Here's a knife."

-All right now, I'm gonna trim the edge of this.

If I can figure out which side of this is the blade.

Oh, look at this.

It's gonna do, I think, just fine.

Now, I know we've said it on this show a million times, Larry, but once you get through trimming and you're gonna put it in the oven and cook it until it's done and brown at about - what, 350 degrees?

-[Doris] [indistinct] over.

At least 350 but [indistinct].

-Okay.

So, it might need to go 375 until the crust gets brown and looks good.

Now, if we were really in the South, which we are and Grandma was still alive, you'd take this piece of pie dough and roll it out real thin.

And then spread it with sugar and cinnamon and raisins and a little bit of nuts if you've got the time.

And then, you roll it up and put it in the oven and we called it a beehive.

And it's real good.

-This is what this looks like when it's all finished up.

And I think that we need to eat it.

-Oh, okay.

-Isn't it pretty?

It's lovely.

I think I've made a little more sauce if I had a little more time.

I'd play a little more around with it.

-All right, here is one pie.

- Well, there's a large chair in the way.

-Oh, that was my highchair in case I fell out.

And what is this pie, Doris?

Come on in here.

[Doris] One's got an H, the other one's got an [indistinct].

-What's the H pie?

-[Doris] Honey.

-Honey, oh, this one is made - same pie.

One is made with honey, and one is made with Karo syrup.

[Doris] Yeah.

I knew you might wanna see what the difference in the taste was.

-All right.

-I'm gonna try this corn pudding.

Put your plate over here.

-All right.

Thank you.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

Let me cut a - while you're tasting that, I'm gonna cut a - -I'm gonna try this Southern stuff.

- Ooh, this pie is definitely - -[Doris] [indistinct].

-Mm, the Southern Oriental rice is real good.

Really, it's very simple.

-[Doris] [laughs] -[Larry laughs] -This pie, I'm telling you - -Too bad we didn't bring that hatchet along.

-All right.

No, it looks - -The corn pudding is - -Yeah, it looks real good.

-Real sweet.

I'm gonna try this pie.

-You could probably leave the corn pudding out of it.

Let me try your beef oriental.

Mm, you got a good flavor to it.

-You know, Johnson, I hate to tell you this.

I'm not real wild about this pie.

I know that lady over in Ventnor will write me a horrible letter says, "You never like anything Johnson does."

I do, you know I usually do.

But it's real gummy, gummy pie.

It's a gummy pie.

-Let me try.

-But I do like the beef oriental.

[Doris] You should make it soupy.

-What do you think, Johnson?

-You're right.

It's gummy.

-[Larry laughs] -It's got a nice flavor.

It really does, but it's definitely one for people with good teeth.

[Doris] You could have some ice cream.

-And I'll tell you, I don't like real sweets, you know.

I don't like for things that aren't traditionally sweet to be sweet.

So, I think this is just a little tad on the sweet side.

-Well, you could leave the sugar out.

-Leave the sugar out, it'd be perfect.

Well, that's it.

We're gonna leave ourselves out of here right now.

[???]